The Queen of the Seas…..And the Skies

July 31, 2008 -

John Heald

Surely one of the greatest achievements engineering of the last 30 years was Concorde. Wherever the hook-nosed, sleek machine was you knew there would be crowds of admirers and people who would be standing on the observation deck dreaming that they were one of the pop stars, hedge fund managers or George Hamilton’s who would experience the thrill of traveling faster than the speed of…well…….everything.

But now………it’s gone.

I don’t feel sorry for the people in suits who now need seven hours to get across the Atlantic. It was, after all, their meanness that caused Concorde’s demise in the first place.

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The Green Green Grass of Home

July 31, 2008 -

John Heald

Good Morning from St.Petersburg, where things went a little smoother than last time. We had 2,300 on carnival tours today, with about 1000 on the evening shows and 2,000 plus again on tomorrows. Well, things started with a bit of a bump. We arrived at 7 am but the officials arrived a little later and by the time they had devoured to full trays of pastries the ship was not cleared until 7:35 am. By that time we had 600 people ready to disembark on the Grand Tour and about 500 people on private tours.

So, we started a little late.

Yes, there were longish lines at the huts used for Immigration but overall things went very well. The Carnival tours and the guests on private tours were allowed to disembark at the same time contrary to speculation on some of the boards. Once ashore, there are two lines……..one for Carnival tours and one for “Independents “as they are called by the Russian officials.

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I Can Help You….Stop Yawning

July 30, 2008 -

John Heald

In the years I have been a Cruise Director I have had passengers tell me I need to lose weight, I have had passengers tell me that I am not funny, I have passengers even tell me that I should dye my hair ………however, last night it was something new……..a passenger told me I should get my teeth fixed.

There I was, standing at the lobby bar after the show buying a bottle of water when I felt a tap on my shoulder. Now, its amazing that a few people really feel that as I am the Cruise Director on their vacation that it gives them the right to say what they want………….”You’re too fat”………..”You’re not funny”……….”Your grey hair makes you look old”…………and last night at 11:55 pm it was………..”You should get your teeth fixed.”

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I met a man today who was not very nice and not very pleasant. He has been beyond demanding since day one and has been extremely rude and nasty to the waiters and service staff.

He is staying in one of our top suites and after continuing to be not very nice and not very pleasant he told me that he just paid $35,000 for one week in a hotel in Barbados…………I fainted.

When I came to he told me that for paying what he had paid for this cruise he expected to be treated as a “first class” guest and to have everything else complimentary…..Supper Club, Drinks, Casino Chips, Driving the Ship, 12 Latvian ladies and all the gold he could eat.

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Bloggers Cruise Update 2009

July 29, 2008 -

John Heald

Hello Everyone,

Just a quick blog thingy to say that preparation for the Bloggers 2009 cruise onboard the Carnival Fantasy moved up a few gears today and will continue to do so over the next few days. I just had a conference call to discuss the free giveaways and I think we have some items that will have everyone smiling and one that will have everyone laughing out loud!

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Friends

July 28, 2008 -

John Heald

Here I am……..well, so far I am alive and well and neither myself or the ship has been fined because we all went ashore before the official clearance of the ship and my new best friend seems to have let me off with a warning.

It’s now 11:35 am and apart from me sneezing every 5 minutes everything went very smoothly. Both Berlin trains have left and the Warnemunde tours have all departed. There are only 117 guests onboard the ship which shows the immense popularity of the port.

Last nights show featured the comedy and juggling of Gronway Thom……..he is Welsh by the way and if you see his name on a billboard rush inside and see the show…….he is brilliant as the two huge standing ovations he received showed.

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What a Start to the Morning

July 28, 2008 -

John Heald

Guten Morgen from Warnemunde, Germany which last cruise was my favorite port and I am sure it will be today as well. It’s a beautiful day and as I write to you at 7:55am the temperature is already pushing the low 70’s………..I still have a cold by the way but this morning ………….that is the least of my problems ………………because I got myself and my staff in trouble with the locals…………….wunderbugger!

More on that in a second. First of all, let’s set the scene. This morning we have 1,100 people heading to Berlin on our private trains. They are off to see the Brandenburg gate, Checkpoint Charlie, the Wall and of course Berlin’s top tourist attraction, the Avalon Hotel where Michael Jackson proved what a great father he is.

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The European Union

July 27, 2008 -

John Heald

Here we are in Copenhagen Denmark where today, out of absolutely nowhere the Danes have announced that they own the North Pole, and just in case anyone gets any fancy ideas that they don’t, they’re embarking on a series of surveys which will prove it.

Over the next few years they will spend $23 million demonstrating that the top of the world is connected by a vast underwater mountain range to Greenland, which is one of Denmark’s dependencies along with, er . . . the Faroe Islands and, um . . . Iceland. Oh no, hang on a minute. They lost that.
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Getting Lost…..Around the World

July 26, 2008 -

John Heald

Good Morning………..hope this Saturday morning finds you all well……………..what shall we chat about today?………………I know, lets start with this.

Guest: Mrs. ________ Ref: 002801710A Owner: (KAAC) Kamilla Camilo
Cabin: ____ Booking#: _________ Added-Changed: 07/25/08 – 07/26/08

_____ – CANNOT FIND THEIR WAY AROUND SHIP

Mrs. came to the desk stating that she had been trying to find the Black Pearl dining room for the last hour and she still could not find it. Guest stated that she and her husband had asked lots of crew and they had sent them in wrong directions. Guest started shouting saying that the passengers should be given guides to walk them around as they do on other cruise lines.

Purser asked guest if she attended the ships tour earlier in the afternoon but guest said she wanted a guide now. Purser left the desk and escorted Mrs.________ and her husband across the lobby to the dining room. Guest demanded that Purser collect them after dinner to show them where the casino is as they could not find it either. Purser arranged for a deck plan to be given to guests but said she was busy and could not stay with the guests but would ask someone from the dining room staff to assist. Guest said that the service onboard was dreadful and also complained the ship was too bright.

Dining Room notified and Purser to follow up.

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The View

July 25, 2008 -

John Heald

Good Morning ……it’s 6:08 am and as I look out of my window I see the white cliffs of Dover, a ferry returning from Calais, France and standing on the pier are at least 50 people ……..and they are all knitting…………..or as some people call it………..fishing.

As I look out at these men and yes….they are all men……I wonder if they don’t like their wives any more and would rather spend six hours playing with maggots standing in the pouring rain. And I wonder why they just don’t go to the supermarket and just buy a fish.

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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.