Zippitti Doo Da

July 24, 2008 -

John Heald

“Can you unzip me please?”……….These are words I never thought I would have to say to anyone…………but……….once every 12 days I have to ask one of the dancers to unzip my dress and do it slowly so they don’t take any of the hairs with it…………something me and Dolly probably have in common.

For 35 years or more I have raised and lowered the zip in my trousers without getting it caught in the fabric (or anything else) once. However, my hatred for zips comes from the one time I went camping.
In the world of tenting, every single zip gets stuck all the time. So there you are outside in the freezing cold, jiggling the damn thing backwards and forwards, knowing that with each tug, and each muttered expletive, more and more of the tent is being swallowed by the fastener.

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Drugs for Breakfast

July 23, 2008 -

John Heald

Let’s talk about Drugs.

Guest: Mr _________ Ref: 002801440A Owner: (EVSI) Evgeniya Ishkova
Cabin: ________ Booking#: ________ Added-Changed: 07/20/08 – 07/20/08

_______ – Cruise Director Mentioned Drugs at travel talk.

Mr ________ called the desk saying that the Cruise Director had promoted the Red Light District in Amsterdam and the use of drugs. Guest thought this inappropriate as there were children in the room and that she was a drug treatment volunteer at a prison in Philadelphia. Guest wanted to speak to Cruise Director. Purser informed guest that she would advise John and that he would be calling her.

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A Song for You

July 22, 2008 -

John Heald

A guest asked me last night how I manage to think of things to write each and every day………and after I analyzed that for a moment I realised it was because of school.

At my school, punishment detention usually involved being asked to write a 1,000-word essay about a tree……..I usually ended up writing 2,000 words much to the annoyance of my teacher…………..I guess therefore writing about the greatest industry in the world with a ship full of 3,000 guests from all over the world as subject matter……it is pretty easy.

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Footnote

July 22, 2008 -

John Heald

It seems my comic look and personal opinions about the Environment and Mr Gore have sparked some difference of opinion.

While I value everyones opinion I certainly never meant to turn this silly thingy of mine into a political debating machine. Therefore, I promise that I will keep my political and environmental thoughts to myself and lets get back to talking about the things we all love………cruising, life and friendship. Today’s blog to come in a few minutes.

Cheers
J
PS – the French are not off limits though

Sorry Al

July 21, 2008 -

John Heald

Obviously I live in a crew cabin. Yes, it’s bigger than most but its still a cabin and not furnished to the luxurious standards of our guest staterooms and suites. I remember the days when there were no amenities in the cabin………nothing………..it was a bed, a TV that had two channels, a bathroom and that was that. Nowadays the Carnival fleet all have amenity baskets, hairdryers, flat screen TVs are a feature on many of the ships and all are fitted out to be of the highest standard. We never get anything but praise for our cabins…………….always ……………well, except this one. (more…)

Russian Jeans

July 20, 2008 -

John Heald

I miss Steve Irwin……………I loved his zaniness and his devil-may-care attitude to danger he showed as “The Crocodile Hunter.” I also loved his catch phrases especially when he had a huge snake by the tail and the thing would be trying to bite him Steve would say “who’s a little grumpy then.”………….well, I used that phrase this morning…………..not to a snake………………but to 1,600 guests gathered for the second day of their Grand Tour of St.Petersburg. They waited in the lounge and as I greeted them I could feel their grumpiness……………it was 7 am, they wanted to see St. Petersburg but at the same time they wanted to go back to bed. It didn’t help that unlike yesterday where we were blessed with beautiful sunshine, today it’s cold and damp. Anyway, they will be fine once they get going and they all loved the city and yesterday’s tours were magnificent they said.

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So, yesterday I had everyone have the photo copy of their passport stamped because that’s what we had been told to do. This morning the Russian Immigration Officials changed their minds and said that a stamp wouldn’t be needed…….. and if hadn’t been for the fact they he was armed to the teeth and that I didn’t want to spend 20 years sharing a Siberian prison cell with a man called Boris the Butcher ………I would have punched him in the face.

This meant that yesterday we spent hours and hours stamping everyone’s photocopy and this meant wasted time for the guests and the staff…………and this was only part of the fun this morning. It started at 6:45am when the officials came onboard. Usually this means a few Immigration officers, one from Customs and maybe the Port Manager accompanied by a representative of the Agency who we pay to look after us…………so maybe ten at most. Today, in St.Petersburg we had a few more than usual……………..28 to be precise. I have no idea what they all did or who they were but I do know they were hungry as they devoured the huge tray of pastries we had prepared for them…………one man………….who had a green uniform and a hat the size of a massive frying pan on his head took half a dozen pastries, wrapped them in tissue and put them in his briefcase.

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It’s 7:08 am and we are heading into Helsinki, Finland. Good Morning and while Heidi prepares herself to dispatch 1500 people on tour by spending 7 hours doing her hair I have just finished reading the news online. I always start my mornings by clicking onto the CNN, BBC and SKY news internet sites and seeing whats happened in the world while I have been asleep dreaming of Jessica Simpson and a swimming pool filled with whipped cream.

This morning the news really made me mad.

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Eine Kleine Nacht Blog Thingy

July 17, 2008 -

John Heald

Good Evening.

Let’s start with some photos of Berlin taken by Lauren and Jamie.


Berlin Wall
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Here I am at 6:15 am ………….in Germany……………..blogging. Guten Morgen everyone from a very cold (12 degrees Celsius/53 degrees Fahrenheit) Warnemunde as Heidi and her team prepare to disembark 1,200 people on tour to Berlin. The railway station is just a few minutes walk from the ship and waiting there are two private trains to take the guests to the capital.

This is quite an operation as each has to be given a sticker as they leave through the terminal building. This sticker will state which carriage they are on as well as which bus and restaurant they will eat dinner at. Heidi as ever has marshaled this plan brilliantly and I am sure all will be well. All I have to is make an announcement on the open decks to make sure people leave on time. I hate making announcements this early but needs must. Of course, they are not made in the guest cabins so hopefully I will not disturb anyone who maybe sleeping.

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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.