Mexican Food and Russian Vodka….With Videos

September 8, 2008 -

John Heald

Good Morning

Liars Club is one of the most popular activities onboard. I stole it from an old BBC-TV program named “Call My Bluff.” The basis of the show is that four people (in this case, the entertainment staff) give definitions to a strange word provided by the host. Three are telling lies…… is telling the truth. The audience has to decide who. Everyone loves this event ………….well…………nearly everyone.

Guest: Mr_________ Ref: 002847997A
Cabin: _____ Booking#: ______ Added-Changed: 09/07/08 – 09/07/08


Mr ________ came to the desk to say how upset he was about a comment made at the show about Mexican food. Guest says he is of Mexican origin and found the comment offensive. Mr________ said that he was embarrassed and angry and wants an apology. Purser said his comments would be passed to the department head who would contact him. Guest left the desk. E-mail sent and phone call made to cruise director who will call the guest.

OK, let’s start with the word we used and let me remind you that the idea of this activity ……… like all our activities…………is to have fun.

The word used was “crapulence”…………….there were three wrong answers with the correct meaning taken here from the Oxford Dictionary

Origin: 1650–60; < drunk or drunkenness < Gk kraipálé drunkenness, a hangover;

So it means drunkenness, or having a hangover …………….as per the Oxford Dictionary.

So, one of the staff had this as the answer :

CRAPULENCE………….. Crapulence is a Spanish word pronounced “carp u lensay” used in the Riviera areas of Mexico. It means ambulance and is a special ambulance used to assist tourists who have eaten too much Mexican food and drunk too much Tequila. A crapulence can often be found parked outside of Carlos and Charlie’s in Cozumel.

And that was that……….maybe I should have read the staff’s answers beforehand but honestly, it really was not said with any disrespect to the people of Mexico.

And, so, it was with this apology in mind that the staff member and I met with Senor El Mado and apologized to him. And, for the second time this cruise, I was threatened with my job. He really was upset and said that he would be suing me for defamation of character. Now, when a guest says something like this, obviously, I have to document everything and fill out reports and it is a huge pain in the el bottomo.

I really tried to apologize but Senor El Mado would not accept it. The serious side of this is that the staff member is so upset and distraught. She would never do anything to intentionally upset anyone and she is very upset. I have told her not to worry and to move on but I know that she feels really bad.

This proves yet again how impossible comedy is, especially in these politically correct times — and how 500 people can laugh until their sides ache and one person will want to stab you with a knitting needle. Anyway, I have to be careful now so I can’t say too much more. And, I shall refrain from any more Mexican jokes, just in case. By the way, Senor El Mado works for the Mexican phone company…………Taco Bell.

And here is an old favorite.

Guest: Mr ________ Ref: 002703972A Owner:
Cabin: ______ Booking#: ________ Added-Changed: 09/07/08 – 09/07/08

Mr._______ called the pursers desk from his cabin very upset that there was no American football playing on the TV. Purser called AV manager who explained that we would not be getting the sports here in Europe. Purser called guest and guest shouted and used bad language wanting to speak to someone in charge. Purser asked guest kindly not to use bad language. Cruise director and hotel director informed and CD will call guest. Follow-up and apology letter sent.

I called……..he didn’t listen……I apologized and he hung up on me……..oh well. I sent him the newsletter with all the scores highlighted today so hopefully he will appreciate that.

So, good morning from a beautiful day at sea. We awoke to mist and fog blanketing the sea but as I write now the sun is shining, the roof is open, and the guests are enjoying the fresh air. The temperature maybe just 67 degrees but it’s a gorgeous day and the guests are loving it.

I have had so many great comments from guests. I have read 145 letters at the Morning Shows and, although there maybe one or two people who are unhappy with certain elements of the cruise, everyone has told me this has been a wonderful vacation…. except Captain Rude who even if I had given him the penthouse, allowed him to steer the vessel, had beautiful women serve him grapes and wine as he reclines on a silk laden couch and had resurrected Frank Sinatra to perform a show ……..he still wouldn’t be happy.

Now, one of the questions I was asked recently was about the supper club, or steakhouse, as it is now called. I was asked if it was still popular and how many people take advantage of it. I promised the blogger I would send him some figures but then I thought you may all like to see them. Here, then, are the figures from this cruise so far with three days to go.

Voyage SL12 08302008

So, 801 dined in this fantastic restaurant, not bad. I do promote the steakhouse quite a bit as it is exceptional value and the service is just outstanding. …………..I don’t get a chance to eat there myself that much but when I do, this is what I enjoy.





Now, obviously, desserts are off limits — but if I had not been a stupid bugger and become diabetic then I would have been able to enjoy the four chocolate deluxe deserts or the Dutch apple pie with homemade ice cream. If I wasn’t as a romantic as a cactus I would have taken Heidi for a dance to the beautiful sounds of our duo and all…….for $30.

Yep. The supper club is still the best value at sea and if you cruise on a Spirit-, Conquest- or Splendor-class ship you really must give it a try……….it’s brilliant.

Now, time is not on my side today as I have had a Morning Show, travel talk, debarkation talk, Q & A, Marriage Show and met with about 50 bloggers. So, I hope you will forgive me if I keep the blog a bit shorter than usual. However, before I go, I have a very special interview blog coming up around 8 pm EST and I hope you will check back and read a superb interview with a true gentlemen of the sea.

Before I go though I want to share two videos with you from last night’s talent show, First of all you will meet Vladimir. He is originally from Russia but now lives in Boston. When he had signed up for the talent show, he had rehearsed a three-minute routine where he would invite a few kids on stage and sit at the table making balloon animals.

However, when I introduced him in front of 1,500 people something had changed. What he did next is indescribable and maybe you can work it out……….however, what I can tell you is he was sponsored by Smirnoff and he was very very very ….ummm…….happy.

Luckily, Heidi was sitting with her Mum and managed to video some of …………… ummm …..his…..ummmm……show. I just stood there in disbelief and every time I thought he had finished………..he carried on again. So, sit back, pour yourself a glass of vodka and enjoy the unique world of Vladimir.


Following on from Vladimir, who by the way wears a G-string on Lido deck………..yes, he does………and it ain’t pretty…….we have this wonderful fairy tale from Mike.

And here is small treat for you

I hope you enjoyed the videos which clearly show both sides of the talent show and why it is often one of the highlights of the week.

Well, I have to rush off and host the show now. I do want to say thank you to the 50 or so bloggers who joined me for a gathering today. We had drinks and a chat and once again I was totally humbled by how important the blog thingy seemed to be to so many… it never ceases to amaze me each day that so many people want to read my mutterings every day.

The blog will return to its usual format tomorrow and please stop back to meet an exceptional man in a few hours time.

Your friends
John and Heidi

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.