Raspberry Post

October 20, 2008 -

John Heald

Saying goodbye today was very difficult. Heidi and I have not been apart for some time and the fact that she is carrying our thingy made it even more difficult. She was very brave but I knew as soon as I closed the front door their would be tears. And not just hers.

Anyway, here I sit in the Flagship Lounge for my business class flight to Miami. I use the word business class because it seems that as the credit crunch continues all the men and women here are determined that they can save the world from financial ruin.

They look very serious as they open their laptop computers. This maybe though that like me they have spent the last 20 minutes trying to log on to the web thingy and remember what their password is …….. probably it’s password.

By the time they actually do log on the flight is called and they have to bugger off. Why bother, if you haven’t saved the world by now the 45 minutes you spend in the lounge won’t change a thing. So, my advice, read a book. It will make you more intelligent, calm you down and stop people like me wanting to stab you with a cocktail stick every time I hear the start up tune for Microsoft.

And then, there are the mobile phones. Right now a man is sitting opposite me. He has one hand holding his phone while the other is covering his mouth. Why?

Does he think I can lip read, does he think it makes him look like he is discussing a secret deal with Mr. Arison to sell him a climbing wall for each ship………does he want us to think he is Madonna’s lawyer and is worried we will find out she divorced Guy because he used to wear her underwear while singing Vogue.

Well, you don’t mate. You look bloody ridiculous and chances are you are on the phone with your wife getting a bollocking because she found out you had been logging onto Bangkokladyboys.com

And, I feel very much out of place the way I am dressed. Everyone is in suits and there have been the odd look at the “big bloke in the sweatshirt and sweatpants”……..all are hoping I am not sitting next to them. I feel as out of place as Sarah Palin in a vegetarian restaraunt.

OK, time to read my book. I have bought a biography about Ian Fleming, the creator of James Bond and in case that’s too heavy a Tom Clancy book called Rainbow Six.

Back soon.

Well, here I am on the plane in seat 10 H. There is a lady next to me and as God is my witness…….and on the love of my thingy …….. she’s French.

She has already complained that the plane is too hot and is now buried beneath a blanket. I tried to be nice and say “Bonjour” but all I got was a watery smile.

Ok, time for take off. Just my luck ……I bet the plane crashes and I end up burnt to a crisp with my body intertwined with bits of Madame La Grumpy.

Last time I flew you may remember that I had two ladies on the other side of me who liked each other a lot. That was fun. This time I have a guy who has the biggest lap top dancer computer I have ever seen. He is obviously not bothered about who sees his work. So, let me introduce you to Hank Riggenbach who works for a company called Fizer.

I can tell you that they manufacture drugs and that he has a meeting tomorrow in Tampa and that he is crap at solitaire……..I so desperately wanted to him to put the Jack on the Queen but the idiot missed it.

Apart from that it has been an uneventful flight. Madame La Grumpy has slept the entire time. I have no idea how people do this. Maybe she took something to knock herself out……a pill……..or maybe she just smelled herself and that was her …unconscious.

Anyway, it’s been a nine hour flight.

I will write a short blog before bed. Please excuse the raspberry blogs today. Normal service (including Jaime’s next letter) will be resumed tomorrow when I collect my Carnival Lap Top dancer.

We are about to commence our descent so time to switch off and hopefully you will read this while I am enjoying the hospitality of Officer Gonzalez and his mates at US Immigration.



Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.