Good morning …….it’s Sunday and it’s 1:05 am. I should be in bed asleep, dreaming of Cameron Diaz and a large tub of green Jell-O. But that avenue of pleasure is closed because of the location of this fine hotel. It’s right on the “party street” and there is a nightclub right next door and I can clearly hear the drum and bass listened to by boys with pants that are too short and girls whose skirts are even shorter you can see their lady gardens.

Bugger.

Therefore I thought I had better write a quick blog thingy before this day of days gets underway. So, here I sit in my underpants which in the uber-modern neon mood lighting have taken on a curious purple glow………..they look like something Barney would wear.

Yesterday, I wrote about Magnum PI who had kept me company on light night TV. Last night I treated myself to a pay per view movie…..for $15.99 plus tax…………..and I want my money back…………..and I want to tell Harrison Ford never ever to put that hat on again. Yep, the movie was Indiana Jones and The Crystal Thingy……………….it was complete and utter bollocks.

I loved the old ones especially the one where Sean Connery plays Indy’s father even though in real life Connery is only 12 years older. I grew up on the Indiana saga ………….and I learned so many of life’s lessons from the first three.

Don’t become an Archaeologist because they earn bugger all money. Never trust a monkey. Especially a Nazi one. You don’t need a gun or a knife or to be a black belt in Kung Karate Po…………all you need to defeat your enemy is a bull whip. Nope, I gave up half way through this new one and I reckon that the TV and Mr. Spielberg owes me $7.

And so for comfort I returned to TV and there on the Sci-Fi channel was my old friends Captain James T. Kirk and Commander Spock. Now don’t worry, I am not going to get all “Trekky” on you but after watching an episode last night I feel the need to write.

Back in the 1990’s Carnival hosted a Star Trek convention on the Sensation. I have clear and vivid memories of introducing Captain Gavino to Klingons, Cardasians and the Smurf ones with the blue faces…………..formal night has never been the same since ………….. except, of course, at the nude cruises when guests wear bow ties …………….. nothing else ……………just bow ties………………and I can’t even begin to tell you where they kept their sail and sign cards and if they had been swiped………….it wasn’t a credit crunch………………it was the credit crack. I digress.

Back to Kirk and Spock…………………..Many of us males have a mate who is way better looking than us………..a friend who is so cool. Or, you have a friend who is a bit of a nerd and smarter than you……………..but you never want a combination of both. And that’s what you had with Kirk and Spock………they were perfect mates.

Captain Kirk was human and got to sit in front of that giant Sony Plasma TV on the bridge while old pointy ears was at the back……..quiet and a little aloof. Of course, it was thanks to Leonard Nimoy that millions of kids like me were subjected to the Vulvan death grip which bullies all over the world would use in school playgrounds. Then again, considering that Vulcans can only have rumpy pumpy once every seven years its no wonder he had a violent streak in him…………………….come to think of it…………….based on the rumpy pumpy schedule I just mentioned I have suddenly realized that during our teenage years…………..Alan and I were Vulcans.

Captain Kirk was the the Enterprise’s stud. A man who could seduce any woman of any color and some who could shape shift to become the girl of his dreams. It didn’t matter who many Klingons were decloaking on the starboard side our brave Captain always found time to spread the love and no doubt some good old fashioned sexually transmitted diseases. Let’s face it………..he was a very blessed man as those tight fitting Starfleet uniforms used to show and his Phulton Torpedo was always ready to fire.

I am not sure if it was William Shatner’s choice that all the women crew members wore very short skirts…………..no political correctness back then, of course. Oh, and while I think about it, those bloody doors were too noisy. Old Scotty the Chief Engineer could fix a broken warp coil and build a phaser out of a toilet role but he wasn’t smart enough to slap some WD40 on those “whoosh” doors.

Kirk was replaced with Jean Luc Picard who was more cautious and compared to Kirk ……….utterly boring. Both fought the Borg. Picard celebrated with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea while Kirk would have had rumpy pumpy with half the bridge crew before the kettle boiled. Picard always wanted to talk his way out of a difficult situation………..he would talk to the Romulans and find a common ground. Kirk meanwhile would just rip their heads of and use them as paper weights.

Nope, Kirk was the ultimate Captain of the Enterprise and I thank him and his crew for keeping me company last night.

This morning I have to wear make up for the film shoot……………I am dreading this. Women will go through intense make up and hair regime and try on 305 different outfits before realizing the one she tried on first is the one she wants to wear……………just to go to buy some milk. Heidi is always telling me that “No, I cannot go out to dinner with friends wearing the T-shirt I have had on all day especially as it has a ketchup stain down the front.”

Nope…………make up is a woman’s world……………..if men see a woman with no make up on we always ask…………”What’s wrong? You don’t look very well.”

So, today, I get to be in the land of TV. The director asked if I could wear a smart suit and tie and thank goodness I listened to Heidi and brought one with me.

I had a dream a few months ago that this little blog thingy may turn into a situation comedy or TV drama………that dream now looks as possible as someone calling Judge Judy a sex kitten. But today, just for a few moments I will enter this strange and exciting world of advertising.

In the olden days, advertisements were limited to magazines, television and city center billboards, but now you find them everywhere. 

The nozzle of the gas pump urges you to buy a Diet Dr. Pepper when you are in the Exxon shop and, as you queue to board a plane, the airport tunnel is festooned with reasons for switching to Verizonattcingular.

Then, when you get off the plane, the luggage trolley advertises all the new and exciting ways of getting to the city centre.

Because Heidi and I had approached an adoption agency a few months ago, we got a letter in the post days asking us to sponsor a child. Does that mean some poor African orphan has to walk around with “I read John’s blog” on his forehead? Advertisers have bought up every square inch of everywhere where people stand still. I went to a restaurant tonight here in Dallas where in the men’s bathroom there were adverts in front of the urinals reminding me that State Farm had the best auto insurance in America ……….. that’s taking the piss.

However, this commercial………….well …………it has the world’s largest beach ball rolling down the street in a city and state where everything they say is bigger ………… and now they have the biggest cruise director in the world as well……………so for these reasons and because it oozes fun………..I think that this commercial will be…………the best commercial…………….in the world.

Goodnight

Your friend
John

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.