A Halloween Horror Story….And Yes….It's True

November 1, 2008 -

John Heald

The bidet is as pointless as the Koala Bear.

 A Koala bear sleeps for 20 hours a day, only waking up to feed on tasteless eucalyptus leaves, which make it as stoned as a Rastafarian monk. ……….if a Koala Bear could get one of his mates to braid his fur…..he would. The plant makes the Koala so high that whenever it sees anything that isn’t a eucalyptus tree or another koala, it becomes so frightened it gives itself Chlamydia………..that’s a fact. 

This can’t be much fun. Sitting around in a tree all day, singing Bob Marley songs, in Australia, sleeping, hallucinating and having a sexually transmitted disease that you caught without actually Rumpy Pumpy with another Koala. I know all this because I spent the morning watching Animal Planet. This not only made me more knowledgeable in the world of Koala Bears but also made me realize how much I miss Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter……………..there really will never be anybody like him.

Anyway, I wondered as I watched just why God had made the Koala Bear in much the same way as I wonder why he made the Flamingo, the Duck Billed Platypus and Paris.

Anyway, I am sure the Lord has his reasons for creating these oddities but we only have ourselves to blame when it comes to the Bidet. I have one in my room here in Philadelphia. I have always refused to use one as and when the opportunity has been there. I mean, what’s wrong with a slice or two of paper or in extreme circumstances the toilet brush or if you are at a friends house who you don’t really like………..the shower curtain.

However, as I was getting ready for dinner last night and only because there was bugger all on TV except more totally unbiased election coverage on Fox, MSNBC and CNN………………I decided to try it out.

Now, you will be happy to know that I am not going to tell you how a hot jet of water spurting up your rusty sheriffs badge feels like…………….but I will tell you that I will never ever use one again. Now, before I tell you why I must apologize to the people at Arnold our brilliant advertising agency who took me out for dinner last night. I am embarrassed and this morning I am probably as popular with them as someone who serves barbecued Cocker Spaniel at a dinner party.

You see, what the people who invented the Bidet tell you is that after depositing a spicy curry or a huge plate of Mexican food into the toilet that there is nothing better than a good session on the Bidet. ………….ok, that’s fine. But what they don’t tell you ………………..as I found out last night………………is that some of the water that spurted up your chocolate starfish may reappear hours later……………and that is exactly what happened last night…………………..honestly………………..it was as we were walking to the restaurant that I suddenly felt an oozing sensation around my bottom area………………some of the water from the Bidet must have been trapped and had now decided it was Steve McQueen and the Great Escape was on. There is no more embarrassing feeling than having to walk down Main Street in Philadelphia with your hands clasped behind your bottom hoping that the people who are taking you for dinner wont notice the now perfect circle of dampness now appearing on my Dockers…………..bugger.

So, forget the Bidet. It’s a nasty vicious invention which could have only been invented by French. If you insist on using one, save your money, and use your neighbors sprinkler system in their front yard……………they won’t mind.

Ok, it’s time to go to the site and see the giant Piñata and interview loads of people with beards.
Stop by throughout the day as we will be posting lots of video’s for your viewing pleasure.

See you later
Cheers
John

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.