Bond is Back………….Or is He?

November 16, 2008 -

John Heald

Just before I start venting let me start by saying Good Morning less I forget to do so later…………………”Good Morning.”

Well it’s going to be quite a day. I have to pack……..or…….as I like to call it “throwing everything into a suitcase and then sitting my buxom bottom on it to make sure it closes.”…………..Heidi would not be happy. Then I will have to check out of the hotel.

This has been my home for the last month and I shall miss it………………..like a bleeding hemorrhoid. It’s not a bad hotel………in fact it’s very good and I have come to know the staff all of whom call me “Mr. John” and are very pleasant. However, I am tired of having to pay $5.95 for them to wash one pair of underwear ……I don’t even pay $5.95 for a pair of underwear.

I shall also not miss the lonely nights or the fact that if I am thirsty I have to summon up all my strength and open the Arc of the Covenant or the mini bar as it’s known and pay $5 for a miniscule bottle of water……….$5………that is absolutely bonkers ………..that’s only 95 cents away from being able to have your underwear washed.

Then it’s on to the airport for yet another flight……………….oh joy.

Anyway, before we get into today’s topic I wanted to tell you about something you can expect to see across the fleet immediately. Your cruise director and the entertainment staff will be hosting daily events called “Just For The Fun Of It.”………….”What’s that?” I hear you cry. Well, each and every day you will see the staff do sudden and random acts of kindness……….like…………appearing at your dinner table with a bottle of champagne …….. why?………….Just For The Fun Of It…………..decorating your cabin ……….. why? ………..Just For The Fun Of It…..moving you from the back row of the theatre to the front row reserved seat…………why………….Just For The Fun Of It.

Those are just a few examples of what will be happening…………….let me know if any of you are lucky enough to be involved. It’s going to be great.

Thank you for all your kind words of support and words of kindness. I will answer all the outstanding comments next week I promise but thank you for taking the time to write and I will reply soon.

A year and a half ago I wrote my first blog thingy. And I am proud to say that we have started a bit of a phenomanan……phenaonmernan…..phernomanon……a brilliant thing.

Now our sister companies have all started their own blogs and rather than you have to go googling I had an idea to put all the blogs on one page……and thanks to a chap called Bill at Carnival Corp that idea is now reality. Carnival, Costa, Holland America, Princess, AIDA, Seabourn, Cunard and P & O are the best cruise lines at sea. Each has their own individual style and identity ……and so do their blogs. I hope you will all take the time to make regular visits to the site and I hope the Internet people with beards at each company take the time to add link thingy’s to their web sites. I am sure that Cruise Critic and Cruise mates will all be writing about this brilliant site.

So, it is with honour and pride that I ask you to visit www.bestblogsatsea.com.

I wanted to call it www.lotsofthingies.john…….but was told to bugger off.

OK, it’s time to start packing and head for the airport……………..but first it’s time to vent.
Feeling sympathetic toward my lonely nights in the hotel, Roger Blum and his wife Marie invited me to see the new James Bond movie with them last night. So armed with my medium sized Diet Coke which was as huge as the lady who served it to me and with my nachos and cheese sauce ready to be munched on I sat down to see everyone’s favorite action hero.

I will give you my opinion on the movie later but first I want to talk about Bond Girls. You would think that having the part of a James Bond girl would be a career launch pad more explosive and powerful than my bottom after I have eaten a huge plate of baked beans.

Nope.

Have you heard, for instance, of Olga Kurylenko?

Well, since she’s the Bond girl in the new 007 movie Quantum of Solace, her name will be in all the papers for the next few weeks and then, if history repeats itself, she’ll bugger off and never be heard of again.

I mean it. Twenty-two actresses have slipped out of 007’s bed over the years but the number who has gone on be mega stars can be counted on the hand of an Iranian shoplifter.

Let’s start at the beginning with Dr. No and Ursula Andress, who stepped out of the sea and straight into a million men’s fantasies. The bikini. The knife. The hair. I was only nine when I saw that movie but when I saw her stunning body rise out of the sea……. It has been burned in my brain forever.

You’d imagine that having made such an impact, Ms Andress would go on to become the next hot thing. OK………..name a hit movie she was in……………..no Googling allowed …….. nope………….you can’t can you?

Next we got Daniela Bianchi, who cropped up as a sexy secretary in From Russia with Love. And then what? Does she work at Home Depot or did she marry the King of Botswana? Nobody knows.

Yes, Diana Rigg bucked the trend after On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and the same, I suppose, could be said of Honor Blackman, who played Pussy Galore in Goldfinger.

But this, I’m afraid, simply encouraged a million more girls to try for the role. Only to find their 15 minutes of fame lasted for less than 12.

Maryam D’Abo, Carey Lowell, Talisa Soto, Izabella Scorupco. They arrived. They screamed a lot. They had some rumpy pumpy. And for all I know they’re now working in Publix.

So what is it then that causes the Curse Of The Bond Girl?

Maybe it’s because in the early days, when the role was being set in stone, most of them stood around looking scared while Bond dodged the steel hat or fought the tall man with lumps of steel in his mouth.
They never picked up a gun and helped out. So we got the impression they were a bit thick……………all breasts and legs and nothing upstairs.

Certainly, in those days, they were cast for their looks rather than any ability to act, speak or operate a Walther PPK.

And by the time women’s liberation arrived on the set and Mr. M became Mrs. M-ess, it was already too late.

So, what of this new Bond movie……….well let me start by saying that if you loved the Bourne series (Bourne Identity, etc. etc.) then you will love this movie………….if though you are a Bond fan then ……….maybe ………like me……….you will think this movie is the biggest piece of crap since Eddie the Elephant was constipated for three weeks and finally had a bowl movement.

Yes, the action sequences are clever and yes, Daniel Craig, is I guess handsome and brooding but I want my Bond back. He was what every man is inspired to be………but not any more.

In the previous movie Casino Royale Bond fell in love……in love…….what a load of bollocks and the move began with James explaining how much he loved Vespa his girlfriend played by…….ummmmm….see……I have no idea. This is not what Bond should be saying.

The movie should have started with a bit of random killing before we find Bond in bed with a girl who he had met a few minutes earlier. Hearing his Omega watch go beep which meant his Queen and country needed him he would haul himself from under the sheets, look at the long-legged beauty with no name and say, “My darling. You were spiffing last night. But I am a James Bond and I must go now because I have to blow up an oil rig before returning to have rumpy pumpy with your sister.”

But not in this movie. And there was so much more missing. Bond is all about gadgets, explosions, wisecracks and improbably large men who’ve had their hands replaced with a hook.

Let’s start with the car chases. The movie started with Bond in Italy…………….and what a load of bollocks it was. Firstly, Bond was in an Aston Martin DBS………….it has a V12 engine and a top speed of 200 mph. The villains were in an Alfa Romeo 157. That’s a V6 with a top speed of 120mph………….and Bond………couldn’t lose them on a straight road ……………….bollocks yet again.

Now, normally, this wouldn’t matter because James would press a button and Hellfire missiles would shoot out of the exhaust pipe. He would also have a machine gun in the front and the back and if things got really tough he could turn the car into a submarine or as in a previous Bond movie………….flick a switch and turn the car invisible. ……………… in this movie, he had bugger all gadgets and weaponry in the car ………… nothing …………. except a CD player.

In fact there were no gadgets…………none. I want the pen that can blow up a tank …………I want the shoe that can make cappuccino……………and I want one of those watches that using magnetism can unzip Pussy Galore’s dress without even touching her.

Then there was Rumpy Pumpy………….the center piece of all Bond movies. Sean, Roger, Pierce and the other two all had Rumpy Pumpy on tap…………..in this movie Daniel Craig had it once…………once…………well based on that I guess I have a chance to play Bond.
He never said, “The names Bond……………..James Bond.”

He flew on Virgin Airways where according to the movie he discovers his favorite drink ……….Vodka Martini ……….shaken………not stirred…………………….NO! ………..Bond discovered this in Harry’s Bar in Venice or the Savoy hotel in London…………….it wasn’t invented by a slightly limp-wristed flight attendant called Quentin.

But the one thing that got on my nerves more than anything…………….the one thing that as a true Bond fan made me want to weep…………..was that through out the movie Bond was disheveled, look tired and was cut and bruised and bleeding.

Wrong wrong wrong. Bond cannot be damaged. Even if he were to fall out of a hot-air balloon and into the spinning blades of a helicopter he should emerge with nothing more than a slightly disarranged tie knot.

I want my Bond back………………….I give this movie two thumbs down.
Time to pack and I will write a goodnight blog from my raspberry on the plane.

Goodnight
Your friend
Heald………………….John Heald

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.