Tuesday Night is All Right for Fighting

December 17, 2008 -

John Heald

Last night while waiting for Heidi’s delayed Easy Jet flight from Amsterdam to London Stanstead Airport to arrive……which it did…………..1 hour and 15 minutes late …………. Easy Jet my arse……anyway, while I was waiting I saw two grown men fighting — and when I say fighting I mean punching, kicking and scratching…………….over a parking space. As I parked my car, I saw someone drive straight into another space even though it was obvious that the other chap had been waiting for it……..and that was a cue for a good old fight. Did I jump out of the car and try and stop them?…. ummmmm …….. nope.

When I was at school and in my teens I was viewed as a bit of a girl by some of my classmates because I thought it was possible to have a good night out without shoving someone’s head through a window. The problem is that if you shove someone’s head through a shop window they will be very angry with you.

And that means they are going to pull their head back out again and hit you in the stomach, or kick you in the testicles or punch you in the face. I have never been punched in the face but I bet it hurts like hell. Which is why, whenever someone calls me a rude name or threatens me with violence, I immediately opt for a spot of self defense.

This is also known as “running away.” Often I’m able to run away even before a fight has broken out. I do this mostly by going to small country pubs in Essex rather than drinking dens in downtown London.

The result is that I’ve never had to turn up for work with a black eye, or have to walk out on stage with a limp. You may think I’m a bit of a girl, but come on. There is nothing quite so daft as the spectacle of two grown men fighting. Apart from two grown women fighting. It’s not like Bond versus Jason Bourne. There are no deft punches, no subtle jabs. No smooth moves. And no handy swords which can be employed as weapons. It’s messy and clunky and usually involves a lot of rolling around in the gutter, calling each other rude names and getting all dirty. I’ve never understood why this is so.

Why not go straight for the wedding vegetables or, if they are inaccessible, try to bite off your opponent’s nose?

Is there a code of conduct in fighting which stops you from doing this? I don’t know. I’ll have to ask Mike Tyson……………or Naomi Campbell
The fact is that in my entire life I’ve only ever hit one person and that was a chap who was messing with my sister and would not leave her alone.

Happily, he didn’t hit me back.

Either way, it didn’t matter because the net result was that I went home with a broken finger. I therefore won the fight……………… and lost it.

Should I have tried to separate these guys?…………..Well, probably and that’s why I feel a little guilty this morning.

Good morning everyone, how are you?

Heidi is home and we are also preparing for Heidi to have her scan tomorrow where ……… if we choose to…………..we can find out if the Thingy is a he or a she. As we speak we must have changed our minds more often than Paris Hilton changes her bedroom friends (allegedly) and I have a feeling we won’t decide right up until the point when Dr. Ramitin asks us if we want to know.

At the end of the day it will be her choice ……………personally, I would like to know ……….don’t know why………….I just do……….Heidi though is leaning toward making it a surprise. Anyway, the scan is tomorrow afternoon at 3:30 pm GMT so …….fingers crossed…………….all I really care about is that the Thingy is healthy and blessed with Heidi’s beautiful looks and my…………..ummmmm………….bugger……….can’t think of anything.

Let’s see what happens tomorrow.

Of course while I am excited by the prospect of seeing the Thingy live on TV and as much as I want to support the Mrs………………it means I have to go to hospital………….the scene of the crime………..where Doctor Ramitin’s best friend Doctor Longfinger recently checked my ummmm……….bottom. I spent the afternoon pretty much naked, in a darkened room while Dr. Longfinger had a good look around.

I have been sucked dry, pumped up, bent double and asked a range of questions so impertinent that even Judge Judy would turn red. I’ve been probed, hit, tickled, smeared, X-rayed and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to pee in a lavatory. Since becoming diabetic, I only ever relieve myself into small plastic vials……..my fingers permanently smell of pee.

After my fluids have been checked, the doctor normally sticks his whole head in my bottom. Well that’s what it feels like.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh,” I normally say, until he comes out again to explain that it was only his finger.

OK, back to the world of cruising

Now, the Carnival Dream blog was supposed to be taking place tomorrow but with your kind permission I have postponed it until Friday. There just has not been time to download all the videos, etc. so tomorrow’s blog will be a random pointless affair as usual and Friday……………well…………….Dream on.

Oh, by the way, have you seen the Carnival Christmas card thingy…………..well, here is Steph to tell you all about it

Hi Everyone,

The card speaks for itself, so without further ado, here it is:


Happy Holidays from everyone here at Carnival!!  We hope to see you in 2009 🙂


I thought you would like to see a Christmas wish from all the great people who work each and every day on my blog thingy. Here then is a card from the Internet Marketing team………..you would never guess they worked in computers would you.


Well, its 2 degrees (Celsius) here, the sun is shinning but it is absolutely freezing. However, I just enjoyed a touch of sunshine because as I watched the morning news a commercial came on that I have never seen before here in the UK………it was advertising holidays (vacations) to Puerto Rico.

Caribbean island is making new ripples on the tourist map — and the reason has a lot to do with Viagra. Puerto Rico, the leading maker of the drug, is being featured for the first time by several British holiday companies, and has just opened its first tourist office in the UK. It was a strange commercial because it started by telling me and my fellow Brits that produces Viagra and pacemakers (ignoring the joke about how they go so well together) and about 80% of all the prescription drugs sold in North America.

Puerto Rico is different from the usual stop-and-flop destination in these seas. It is the Caribbean, you can tour. Some 120 miles long and 25 miles wide, it is big enough to drive around and offers lots of reasons to get out of your tour bus. The Puerto Ricans are a friendly lot, too, so you’ll enjoy mooching around and hanging out with them …………… hello Nani.

The island’s diversity will leave you reeling. It is Miami with malls one minute, small-town Central America the next, with some of the best Caribbean beaches in-between. There is a dry forest at one end, a rainforest at the other, and America’s oldest and biggest fort El Moro. I love Old San Juan and I was glad to see the commercial showed the old streets alive with salsa bars, candlelit restaurants, galleries and shops. If you have never sailed into San Juan you have missed a gem of a place.

Also on TV was an interview with plain talking John Prescott………our ex Deputy Prime Minister. He was talking about his new biography and how some of it talks about his life onboard the ships of Cunard where he worked as a cabin steward…….not bad, eh? …… …………..cabin steward to Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. This got me thinking. Who else worked in the industry and rose to fame and fortune?

Then, of course, there is Silvio Berlusconi who used to be a cruise ship crooner …………. yep, the now Prime Minister of Italy used to perform old Sinatra songs coupled with some cruise ship humor. He has a brilliant sense of humor which if he had fine tuned could have led him to even greater heights than a Prime Minister………he could have been a cruise director.

Here are two “cruise director” type gaffes that make him one of them most unique politicians in the world.

“Italy is now a great country to invest in… today we have fewer communists and those who are still there deny having been one.

Another reason to invest in Italy is that we have beautiful secretaries… superb girls.”

On his career as a politician:

“I don’t need to go into office for the power. I have houses all over the world, stupendous boats… beautiful airplanes, a beautiful wife, a beautiful family… I am making a sacrifice” …………….brilliant

How about Darlene Love?………….wow …………what an incredible voice. Darlene was invited to work with us at Carnival by Roger Blum. Her shows remain some of the most popular ever. Now Darlene will be known to most of you from the Lethal Weapon movies where she played alongside Danny “I’m too old for this shyitttttttttttttttttttttt” Glover. She then went on to star in the Broadway musical Hairspray. If you ever get a chance to hear her sing…………take it……….she is dynamite.

Then of course there are the world’s most famous magicians……..Sigfried and Roy.

Siegfried & Roy met in 1957. Siegfried took a job on an ocean liner, first working as a steward. Roy got a job on the same ship as a waiter. While working one night, Roy heard people applauding and looked over to see Siegfried on a makeshift stage, taking a rabbit out of a hat. The two young men became……………ummmm………….friends and the rest as they say is magic.

They became two of the most famous people in the world until one day when as we know one of the cuddly loveable tigers bit Roy’s head off.

Apparently, according to the news, the two kings of magic have fallen on hard times………well, I can help. As the population of China becomes wealthier, demand for illegal tiger parts is booming. Up to 600 million Chinese people believe that tiger bones, claws and even penises will cure any number of ailments, including arthritis and impotency. So chaps, sell the tigers to China’s equivalent of Walgreens……. Wongreens and come back home to the ships……….you can do a show on the bloggers cruise……..but you will have to help sell bingo cards.

Well, that’s all I can think of……..does anyone else have any additions to the “Before I was famous I used to work on a cruise ship” list?…………….if you do, let us know please.

Well, it seems the credit crunch thingy is still making the news with interest rates being slashed more than a group of teenagers in a horror film. I’m not going to pretend I understand it. The credit crunch makes not the slightest bit of sense to me. Every time I open a newspaper, or click on to a news website, I am hit with the sort of blind panic that comes from thinking: “Bloody hell, I seem to have forgotten how to read while I was asleep.”

It’s all bollocks to me. All those graphs and numbers. All these financial institutions with ridiculous names, like Exane BNP Paribas. The sky seems to be falling as fast as shares in banks and I have not the faintest idea why.

If billions of taxpayers money has been handed over to the banks, does that mean my overdraft has now been paid off? And if not, can I ask my Prime Minister Gordon Bugger to nationalize me and my debt? Well, if you don’t ask…

What I can work out is that there seems to be an awful lot of doom, gloom and talk of economic depression about. But every cloud has a platinum lining.

As I wrote on a blog thingy last week, for some people (the likes of me, who never had any money in the first place), the credit crunch is a great leveller. And for others it is a great chance to actually make money.

According to reports, cobblers (shoe repairers) are making loads of money as people opt to repair instead of replace shoes, while pizza delivery firms are also raking it in because the rich, or formerly rich, are no longer eating out ………and then there is the big one …….. cardboard box manufacturers. Watching forlorn bankers slouch out of the Lehman Brothers and Citibank offices carrying boxes full of coffee mugs and photos of the wife and the girlfriend, the hearts of cardboard creators across the globe must have soared.

At cardboard box HQ – probably a lair carved into a volcano somewhere exotic – the cardboard box bigwigs were rubbing their hands in glee and stroking a cat, cackling things such as: “At last, our time has come! We shall take over the world!” The other really good thing about cardboard boxes is that you can live in them. Worth buying shares in, I’d wager.

Robert Preston look-alikes Not very long ago, you were just a normal bloke who had the bad luck to look a bit like a chipmunk. Now you are raking it in as the most famous man on telly, and the chicks love you. Get in!……….Good luck perfecting the voice, though.

Personally, I blame the media. I mean, if they hadn’t reported any of this we would all have thought that the credit crunch was a breakfast cereal. However, now I need my fix of daily doom and gloom and when the news media report happy stories I get mad. I want to hear about a new Millennium Bug, SARS, Bird Flu, Melting Ice-Caps and that an Asteroid is plummeting toward the Earth and will make a direct hit on Paris.

Apparently, someone on the news had the immortal gall to be cautiously optimistic amidst last week’s blood and bullets of financial disaster. It is not what I want. I want to be back on the edge of her seat, and I feel that the news media could play a more active role in trying to keep me depressed

Wolf Blitzer could surely wear a black hood – and carry a scythe. There is nothing to prevent Tom Brokaw wearing sackcloth and ashes, and ringing a bell while intoning “Bring out your dead.” And why not Katie Curic riding a black stallion, wearing a skeleton suit?

The media should try harder — we’re not depressed enough.
Seriously, though, I am to report that Carnival has the perfect antidote to the current climate of misery…………..and that, of course, is fun…….with a capital F. This last week our President and CEO Gerry Cahill met with all the vice presidents and together they formulated a plan to make 2009 a brilliant year…………..for all of you. We will make sure than Carnival’s affordable vacations remain the best value in the vacation business.

Now, I could start using all that marketing speak but as you know ………….that’s not me. So let me just say this………the bankers can’t help. They, like everyone, are caught up in a whirlwind of uncertainty. I asked mine a million questions and they haven’t been able to answer one. Advice? There’d been plenty in the good times – but now? I might as well have asked my seven-year-old nephew for guidance.

And so it’s up to me to come up with what I hope, for once, is a spot of sensible advice for those who are in the same boat. …………..if you will pardon the pun

Because there is no safe haven for your money, you need to give it to someone else. That way, it becomes their problem. So, why not call your travel agent or a Carnival Personal Vacation Planner? We all need some fun and as I have said many times here on the blog thingy…………..Nobody delivers fun like Carnival…………so, let’s all book a cruise or seven………….and let’s make 2009 the most fun year we have ever had.

Your friends
John, Heidi and the Thingy

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.