Toilet Humor

January 12, 2009 -

John Heald

Oh bugger………it’s my last week at home and in a moment of weakness I asked Heidi if there was anything special she would like to do before I bugger off back to work. I realized as soon as I had asked the question that I was going to be in trouble and hoped I would get away with something like a romantic dinner at an overpriced restaurant that serves bits of food stacked on top of each other and with a sauce that is drizzled. This would have been OK….but unfortunately it’s much much worse………… because ………she wants to go and see a musical……..and not just any musical……………she wants to see…….The Sound of Music at the London Palladium………please give me a few minutes to projectile vomit into a bucket.

OK, I am back.

If you have just started in a relationship and are trying to make an impression that will lead to rumpy pumpy then by all means go to a musical, otherwise, let’s be honest, most men have a genetic hatred of the things.

Cats, Miss Saigon, Phantom, etc………….just typing those names makes my hemorrhoids flare up. Musicals, in my opinion, have less plot than a Steven Seagal straight to DVD movie. They last for days and have bugger all explosions. If only some computer nerd would invent a pair of contact lenses that men can put on just as the nun comes mincing over the hill because it’s alive with the sound of music. These contact lenses would look like we are watching the singing nun when actually we are watching Tony Soprano whack Big Pussy on his yacht.

Musicals are one of the differences that separate men and women……….another, of course, is the toilet.

Now, please don’t worry , I am not going to go into details about my number twos or mention the fact that yesterday I managed to poo the letter “S”………….nope, that would be disgusting and some of you may be having your lunch or dinner so I won’t mention it.

Men though are programmed to enjoy quality time in the toilet. I like to think of it as my own library or gentlemen’s club. There has to be something to read. Not those magazines my wife reads like Woman and Home. Home and Garden. Garden and Hair. Hair and Beauty. Beauty and Slimming. Slimming and Slimmers. Slim Women. Slim Home. Slim Garden. Slim Hair…………..none of that rubbish………….nope, I like a newspaper which in case of emergencies can be used as toilet paper of course. So, with newspaper in hand I lock the door and escape into the luxury of my Gentlemen’s Club which I have called “Browns.”

Locking the door drives Heidi crazy and often she comes by, rattles the door and shouts “Why is the door locked?” followed by “What are you doing in there?” Why do women ask these questions, I mean what is it they think we are doing in there?

One thing I could be doing if I forgot to take my newspaper in with me is count the number of bathroom products Heidi has in the cabinets or that are festooned around the bathroom. My stuff which is deodorant, shaving cream, soap and my nose hair scissors are kept away from her products in case they contaminate them in anyway. Except, of course, my razorblades which Heidi will use on her legs and not tell me so the next time I have a shave the blade has half a Brazilian forest in it and I end up cutting myself badly.

My shampoo is shampoo……nothing else……….just plain old shampoo.

That’s one bottle……..not four or five……….just one. Heidi has shampoo, conditioner, strengthening conditioner, shampoo for when she has just done her highlights and a vitamin enriched something or other by a company called Bed Head who seem to think its ok to charge $899 for a bottle of shampoo…….what a load of bollocks. Who ever discovered this must be a millionaire and laughing his arse off that women are buying this thinking its extract is taken from the rare Ubaguba plant that is found only in the depths of the Amazon ………when it is in fact Head and Shoulders with a bit of lemon in it.

Anyway……….it is my last week and of course the packing has to begin for my two months or so away from Heidi. I am actually feeling lots of mixed emotion. I want to go back to work………desperately I do……….but of course I am nervous about leaving Heidi. I know she has a great support system around her with my family and friends and her Mum coming to stay for a week or seven………..but I do feel guilty all the same.

However, I have a job to do and one that Heidi totally understands and supports and, of course, it is a job that I love. I am sure there will be more thoughts about this in later blogs this week. Of course, on the 14th Heidi has the amino test which she is very nervous about and I definitely made the right decision to be here with her for that.

I want to thank you all for your comments about our onboard shops. I think you have given us a great insight into what you already enjoy and what you would like to see on the shelves in the future. It seems we must improve our logo quality, selection and above all sizes as well as coming up with some new merchandise. It was interesting to read that many of our repeat guests also do not like the “today only” sales as it appears you are aware that it may be ummmm………….on sale again at the end of the week. This blog is a great forum to discover what we can do to make your time onboard that much better and those comments will I promise be past up the line and acted upon.

So, let us move on to the next subject………….The Art Auctions.
These have remained popular onboard our ships and those of most other lines for some years now. The auctioneers take you into a world that some of us have never explored before, the fascinating world of art. However, does this continue to interest you? Do we have the art that people want to buy or should we move away from Peter Max and the gang and be looking more at giving you great bargains on signed memorabilia and autographed movie posters and photos? Have you attended the auctions during past cruises and will you go on your next voyage? Please let me know your thoughts on this…..your opinion once again will help shape your future onboard experience. Thanks in advance.

Now, make sure you catch up with James Cusick aboard the P&O ship Arcadia as they start their world cruise. They just arrived in Palma in Spain and how amazing that the passengers will be onboard for such a long time and get to visit many of the wonders of the world. James includes many photos of his adventures and his blog is brilliant …….well done mate. He can be found at

I also invite you to have a look at……….HAL’s new blog site. As soon as you open the page you will see an amazing photo of the Ventura and the Eurodam……..bridge to bridge. It also includes reports from the Amsterdam and her call in Hong Kong and much more. It’s a great site and I am proud of Holland America and their continuing blog efforts.

It seems that our new commercials continue to cause passionate conversation ………… which, of course, is brilliant. As soon as I arrive in Miami I will be interviewing on video the star of our new commercials that will be broadcast very soon and that I know ……… will be something that all of you will enjoy. It’s been a long time since I posted any videos and photos and one of the things I look forward to in the coming weeks is posting the videos and photos of my new adventures. I also know that many of you enjoyed the behind the scenes footage of my friends in our Miami office including those who never usually get any recognition. So, there is lots to look forward to……….oh and the Miami Heat are playing the Boston Celtics …………….yipeeee.

This morning the news showed lots of clips from last night’s Golden Globes where brilliant actors and actresses and Tom Cruise gather to see if they have won an award. There’s a moment in all award ceremonies when the nominations have been read out and Leonardo De Crapio and friends are sitting there waiting to find out whether they have won or lost. I can imagine that should you ever find yourself in this spot, it would be best to think only about what face you’re going to pull when the envelope has been opened and the winner has been revealed.

Someone obviously forgot to tell Angelina Jolie this because when they announced that Kate Winslett had one the best supporting person in a bra award or something like that …………Angelina looked like she had just sat on cactus.

Anyway, the reason I mention this is because one of the winners of a globe thing was a low budget film called “Slumdog Millionaire.” I just saw this movie and even though there are no explosions or car chases, it is something very special. It tells the story of a young Indian kid from the slums of Mumbai who wins the Indian version of Who Wants to be A Millionaire. You have to see this movie…… is absolutely brilliant.

The press here in the UK are awash with articles and comment about Mr. Obama and how he is going to save the world. I noticed today that he has said he is going to close down Guantanamo Bay……….bloody hell…………..the credit crunch must really be bad if terrorists are losing their homes.

I actually have a photo on my laptop dancer computer. It is of Barack Obama, in a baseball cap, jogging bottoms and running shoes. This picture is not there for political reasons but to remind me that if the President-Elect can manage 45 minutes in the gym six days a week, then I am not too busy to hit the treadmill, quit smoking and get fit. …… although I prefer the French Prime Minister’s exercise regime of having rumpy pumpy with Carla Bruni every day.

Last night we attended the charity auction at a posh hotel in London. Heidi looked magnificent and, of course, with the Thingy showing attracted lots of attention. One man came over and without even saying a word to me, rubbed her belly up and down …………. he is currently in hospital eating his dinner through a straw.

While Heidi shone I was dressed in my tuxedo which made me look like one of the waiters …….but this was for charity and the £150 a head steak I paid for was going to a wonderful cause.

I don’t get to go to London that much and the last two times I have been I have noticed how much it has changed. Don’t get me wrong it is still the most fascinating city in the world ………but there are people and places that I just do not recognize anymore.

The policemen have replaced their iconic helmets and cheery demeanor with body armour and Heckler and Koch sub-machineguns, the pubs have been replaced by Starbucks and Micky D’s, no one is allowed to feed the pigeons in Trafalgar Square and the absolute last language you will hear spoken on any London street is English.

London is now further away from its image than any other city in the world. The postcards still paint a picture of the day when men went to work in a bowler hat while the women stayed at home pressing wild flowers and getting the dinner and slippers ready.

The reality is a city where tourists are greeted at reception by a Latvian and shown to their room by someone from Poland. They want Spotted Dick and cups of tea, and we give them Polish goulash and a frappcrapaamocacino. Coming to London now is a bit like tuning in to BBC America to watch the BBC News to find it’s being read by Paris Hilton…….. in a lime green thong

I also noticed on my trip to London this weekend that the Houses of Parliament have now been encased in a “ring of steel” to protect them from those with their ticking backpacks. Outside, the entire building has been ringed with an electric fence, but you can bet that the Health and Safety chaps will ensure it does not carry death-dealing 8 million volts.

Nope, it does not and while a lower, less lethal voltage may deter people with beards complaining about my Range Rover hurting the icebergs and polar bears from breaking in, I doubt a “slight tingle” would be much of an obstacle for someone who’s spent the past three years in a cave dodging the 101st Airborne. The intelligence services are said to be worried about someone driving a car bomb into the Big Ben clock tower, which could then fall over, landing 150 tons of Big Ben on Gordon Brown, our prime minister.

But then our spies were worried about Iraq having nuclear weapons, so we can take these concerns with a huge dollop of salt. And anyway, if Mr Brown has to spend the next few years trapped inside a gigantic brass bell, it wouldn’t really be the end of the world ……… would it?

Anyway, joking aside I understand that the Houses of Parliament must be protected but I have one other observation. This set of buildings are some of the most famous and photographed in the world, a position it may well lose if we continue to decorate it with anti-aircraft guns, mines and concrete mantraps.

Now I know money is tight in the credit crunch world of today. But……….Could Joe Farcus be employed to design fencing which blends the traditional lines of Sir Charles Barry’s building with the Spectacular Theatre on the Carnival Splendor? And instead of a boom trailing out into the middle of the Thames, why not build an elaborate Lido Deck ……with a pool and, of course, a huge steel retractable roof…… that would be secure. Joe………get your pencils out………..the British Government has a job for you.

Your friends
John, Heidi and The Thingy

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.