Twit

March 31, 2009 -

John Heald

I miss American Airlines…………yes, I know have moaned about them in the past but after flying on United Airlines yesterday I will never say anything bad about them ever again …………….well probably not.

I am not going to bore you with details about the seats being old and that mine was as soft as Judge Judy’s inner thigh or that the choice at dinner was grouper in a sweet and sour sauce or Beef Stroganoff and that after choosing the fish I was told by the cabin stewardess that the caterers had brought on no fish, only a few beef strogothingies but plenty of the vegetarian dish which was according to the flight attendant “a bowl of pasta”…..which was so al dente that it was nearly as hard as the chair I was sitting on. ……..and I was in business class so goodness knows what the poor sods in economy were eating.
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Welcome to the Hotel California

March 29, 2009 -

News From Steph

Today when the Boeing thingy lifted its wheels off the ground I fear I may have seen California for the last time. As Captain America took off from Los Angeles today, I looked out of the window and thought: “I’m 44. I’ll probably never get the chance to come back here again.” And it made me sad.

I’m also sad that, in all probability, I shall never again drive an Aston Martin or be the cruise director of the Carnival Splendor…….its Goose’s ship now. I also know I will never have rumpy pumpy in the back seat of a Ford Escort with Sally Poole. In fact, the list of things I’ve already and unwittingly done for the last time is endless.

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For Those About to Rock……We Salute You

March 28, 2009 -

John Heald

It would be acceptable if you were a beard-wearing math professor or a Soya milk drinking accountant……….you are allowed to be hopelessly, mind-numbingly dull.

But in a pop star dullness is not allowed. What is the point of being an internationally famous and worshipped god of rock, with groupies and millions of pounds and an incurable and as-yet-to-be-diagnosed case of compensatory narcissistic personality disorder, if you don’t decide on the spur of the moment, for example, to become a door-to-door Jehovah’s Witness (Prince, 2001) or, as Keith Moon did, bowl up at a tennis match in a tank and dressed as Erwin Rommel?

The reason is, in 2009, that none of your fellow pop stars would find it remotely funny. They’re more likely to report you to the Association of Singing Superstars (A.S.S.) or suggest you might want to sit on Oprah’s couch, cry …………….and say sorry to the world.
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A Quick Hello

March 27, 2009 -

John Heald

Red Carpet

March 26, 2009 -

News From Steph

Preparing for a Rock Star

March 26, 2009 -

John Heald

Hello Everyone,

Here we are aboard the Carnival Splendor preparing for the VH1 Save the Music “One Splendid Evening” Concert. Look out for more updates throughout the day!

Stephanie

Gerry Makes You Feel Good

March 26, 2009 -

John Heald

So I feel a lot better today about the world we live in despite AIG fund managers making my savings hit the floor quicker than Paris Hilton’s underwear. I don’t want to seem indifferent to suffering, and I don’t want anyone to accuse me of minimizing the likely effect of the recession, because the coming months will very probably be a lot tougher – for millions of people – than the boom times we have all recently enjoyed.

But after listening to our president and CEO Gerry Cahill speak about the economy today and Carnival’s position within it all of us felt somewhat reassured. Gerry’s message could be translated into Whoa! Steady on people! This isn’t the plague. Pinch yourself. Are you still there? Got a pulse? Thought so. Look out of the window. Those aren’t zombies. They are men and women engaged in the normal business of getting and spending and wanting to go on vacation.
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A Pain in the Back and The Beard

March 25, 2009 -

John Heald

I am writing to you while sitting in a hard back chair and sitting as straight and upright as a meer cat that’s just eaten a few Viagra pills………….because I have a terrible back pain. I know it’s not necessarily a sign of aging – young men have bad backs too – but as I stood tentatively doing stretching exercises this morning I realized there was a difference between old men’s bad backs and young men’s bad backs.

I realized this when Goose the cruise director of the Carnival Splendor asked me how I injured my back. Now, a young man would have been able to give him an answer like “Oh, I was running in the Iron Man contest and just as I finished the 300 mile run a felt a twinge…………or………..I was having rumpy pumpy with 23 Latvian women and while I was hanging from the chandelier I pulled a muscle.” Anyway, Goose looked at me expecting such tales of heroics…….instead, I just said, with an air of resignation: “I don’t know.” Such was my condition I couldn’t even accompany my answer with a decent shrug.
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The Lotetry of Life

March 24, 2009 -

John Heald

So here we are in Los Angeles a place full of crazy people. OK, I had better rewrite that and say “crazy person.”………her name is Angela. She is 33 years old and according the news here she won $22 million in the state lottery………….and she is nuts.

She has returned to her job as a $10-an-hour diner waitress serving greasy food to factory workers, and her congratulatory bottle of champagne remains unopened in her refrigerator. “I’m not going to go out and spend it just for the sake of it,” she said. “I never had money before and don’t want to waste it.”

Oh, for God’s sake. This kind of talk isn’t going to put any lead in the economy’s floppy pencil, is it? If new millionaires can’t be persuaded to crack open their wallets then who the hell can? It’s pathetic: we expect better from our lottery winners. We want to see them living the dream – buying quad bikes, mansions, white leather sofas and having neck-to-buttock tattoos of a tiger caressing a naked Latvian woman. We don’t want them schlepping around on a bus to the everything’s a dollar store. But they continually let us down.
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Bringing Home the Bacon……….in a limo

March 23, 2009 -

John Heald

Ever since I was a teenager with a face full of zits, I’ve wanted to be a rock star. I used to look at the pictures of Mick Jagger getting onto the Rolling Stone’s personal jet and think: “What in the name of all that’s holy will be going on in that thing after it takes off?” None of it, I suspected, would involve accounting or ordering a Perrier.
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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.