Daddy's Girl

May 30, 2009 -

John Heald

Live From the Writing Room

May 29, 2009 -

News From Steph

I knew it was going to be a difficult day because I had no idea what I was going to write about in today’s blog………….let me explain. During the last two years I have always gone to bed and in the time from putting my head on the pillow to falling asleep I usually plan what I am going to write about the following day. I used to spend this time thinking about Aston Martins and rumpy pumpy or rumpy pumpy in an Aston Martin but nowadays I go to bed thinking about subject matter, questions, photos and Big Ed……..God how my life has changed.
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A Career Change

May 28, 2009 -

John Heald

I have decided to leave Carnival Cruise Lines……………..well…………..I will if I get the new job I am going for. Yep, this year may be my last with this great company.

If I get the job it will mean a small increase in my annual salary which will rise to it $36 million a year. It involves two days work a week (with half the year off), and the only skill you need is the ability to be a total bastard who is prepared to be brutally unpleasant to people’s faces. Candidates with a British accent will definitely have an advantage, so that’s me with an advantage then – although they’ll need an American work visa because the job is based in Los Angeles….and I already have one of those as well ……so no problems there then.
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The Crying Game

May 27, 2009 -

John Heald

Bloody Hell………I am so tired. Please don’t tell Heidi I told you that but I feel like doing a Rip Van Winkle impression and sleeping for the next 40 years. Last night was our first difficult one with beautiful Kye. Our daughter has been sleeping for 3 – 4 hours between feeds without so much as a whimper but last night all that changed………because she got something called colic………or to give it its Latin medical name “Screechingmaximus Nosleepius.”
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Loads of Mushy Stuff….Sorry

May 26, 2009 -

John Heald

For those of you who don’t care about babies and all things related to the little buggers …………NY advice is switch over to www.carnival.com or www.latvianwomeninsuspenders.com or www.bloodyhellwhatanuglyship.ncl …………… because I woke up this morning feel mushy and all sentimental and therefore I cannot help myself ……..I have to write about Kye……………sorry.

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Bubba's Alaska Adventures

May 25, 2009 -

John Heald

Let’s start today’s blog with an amazing story about………….a bank. You remember banks don’t you? What with global warming, swine flu and Kye they might have slipped your mind. So, just to recap, they are quite big places – some of them have thousands and thousands of staff, even though they can only find one person to man the cashier’s windows at lunchtime. They’re where you put what little money you have left after the people who work there borrowed recklessly and invested fecklessly, causing the economy to go into free fall, people to lose their jobs, houses to be repossessed and the family pet to be roasted on the fire just to get something to eat.
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My Two Girls

May 23, 2009 -

John Heald

Google….My Arse

May 22, 2009 -

John Heald

One of the most annoying and frustrating aspects of working on stage and performing a show, activity or talk is hearing people in the audience talking……………..loudly. It throws of my comedy timing which is already as poor as a 50 year old Timex watch. I guess some passengers do not have the understanding that a live performance is different to watching television. You can talk back to the TV…………but live entertainment ………… well that’s very different.
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LOST

May 21, 2009 -

John Heald

Went to the gym this morning………..OK…….let me give you a few minutes to recover ……………..yes, I really did……. My diet is going well but I new that sooner or later I would have to start working out and after deciding not to spend thousands of dollars on home gym equipment I thought I would spend thousands of dollars to join a place called LA Fitness.

So, there I was and while ad a big person I can feel comfortable in most walks of life ……. in a gym…….there is no disguising it……..I was a fat bastard. It’s not the fitness freaks that get to me though as they run at 300 mph on the treadmill without breaking a sweat …….I don’t mind them……no the ones I can’t stand……are the body builders of which there were many in evidence this morning. I truly do not understand why men and women want to look like they do.
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Baby Blues

May 20, 2009 -

John Heald

This morning was the first time since Heidi gave birth to Kye that she has left the house. She desperately needed some fresh air and instead of me taking the Range Rover to buy some cheese and nipple pads…….Heidi said she would go leaving me home on my own with Kye. She would only be gone 20 minutes but that thought was enough to feel a little tear………running down the inside of my leg.
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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.