No Thingy Yet

May 10, 2009 -

John Heald

It’s 8:30pm here in the UK and I’m not going to tell you about the day just gone, as I spent most of it shouting at people. My soccer team (incompetent over payed big girls blouses), the check out girl at the supermarket (Polish), Vodaphone ,the suppliers of my new phone (incompetent, amateur, liars……….and in India). Recounting a day of rage is not good for the soul and as the media are doing such a good job of trying to make everyone feel miserable……………………..I think it’s better if I focus on some positive stuff.

So it was all fingers and toes crossed that today would be the day for a timely and trouble free birth for Heidi and the Thingy……………but there has been more action in the soap and deodorant section at La Publix in Paris then between Heidi’s legs. Don’t worry she told me…………..”statistically 75% of all births are late” she declared . I asked how she new this ……………bugger………..stupid question………..so as my soccer team were showing they had the footballing skills of a drunk Penguin…………I concentrated on Heidi’s ” Mother and Baby ” magazine . There I discovered some tips on how to get the Thingy to hurry up …………………..these include:

Eating copious amounts of pineapple – Pineapple contains the enzyme Bromelain, which is thought to help to soften the cervix and so bring on labour. Although there is so little Bromelain in it, she’d realistically need to eat 7 whole pineapples a day for it to have much effect! ………………we didn’t have any pineapple so Heidi is eating Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream instead…….she says it’s the same thing.

Guzzling down red raspberry leaf tea – No real evidence, however, an Australian study has shown that it will speed up the second stage of labour and reduce the need for forceps delivery ……….what a load of bollocks. Any study by an Australian will have been made after they have drunk 24 cans of Fosters ………………raspberry tea my arse

Going for walks – Good old gravity can work wonders. The explanation appears to be that the pressure of the baby’s head pressing down on the cervix from the inside stimulates the release of Oxytocin, a hormone that causes contractions, hopefully bringing on labour ……………………………..walk……………………..me………………………ummmm…………….why………….we have a car.

Eating hot or spicy curries – Stimulates the gut and bowel and may encourage the uterus to get going. ………………..this may work as a spicy curry certainly gets my arse moving and I am surprised that considering the spicy vindaloos I have eaten over the years that I haven’t given birth to twins.

Nipple stimulation – Can encourage the start of contractions. The theory is that Oxytocin is again released in the body when the breasts are stimulated…………….This one sounded the best bet but Heidi told me to bugger off as apparently her nipples are extremely tender at this stage.

So, there is little it seems I can do. However…………..I am determined to do my bit and follow the magazines advice So, tonight I ordered an extra spicy Indian curry with extra pineapple and after I have eaten it I shall drink a cup of raspberry tea……..take a walk………………..up to my bedroom………………….lay on the bed……………and stimulate my nipples

Goodnight
Your Friends
John, Heidi and the Thingy

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

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