Tuesday, 4:30 pm and so sign of the Thingy. We have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to see if there is any sign of him or her gracing us with his or her presence …………..meanwhile, I sit here, a nervous blabbering wreck.

Heidi doesn’t want me to leave the house except for grocery shopping in case something happens. ………so as Heidi watches the Horror Channel………or The Baby Channel to give it its proper name, I woke up this morning and decided to write a book.

I won’t give too much of the plot away but it starts with a pirates taking over the Carnival Magic on her maiden voyage. The ship has just sailed from Cannes in France so the French Special Forces immediately surrendered leaving 3,000 guests to be held hostage. Then Micky Arison contacts the U.S. Government refusing to pay the ransom of $200,000,000,000,000,000 plus Dwyane Wade being traded……..for free…….. to the Somali Bulls. Instead he tells President Obama not to worry because the Senior Cruise Director who may look like a fat bastard who’s as fit as a three-legged donkey was in fact a Navy Seal or something and will take the pirates out one by one.

I’m not sure what happens after that. I quite like the idea of a motivated man, trained to kill, disguising himself as Fun Ship Freddy, shooting pirates in the head and still finding time to host bingo.

Anyway, the book is called Carnival’s Got the Gun and on the front cover is a rotund man with a square jaw, a Glock pistol, a Latvian woman in a bikini and a speedboat bursting through a building that has just exploded
I actually do want to write a book one day. It must be a work of fiction; I know that but maybe………..with some of my life experiences thrown in. Obviously if the book were turned into a movie I could never play myself. I am losing weight and am very proud of the pounds I have lost so far………but lets face it ……….I am no Brad Pitt.

One of the reasons for this is my teeth. My front tooth was bent back at an early age when Sally Pool kicked me in the face for pinching her bottom…..OK……I actually was born with it and since I had a deathly hatred of dentists and would vomit over anyone in a white coat………even if they were just selling ice cream……..I never did anything about it.

Today my teeth are so ramshackle that I’ve developed a condition known as “tramp-teeth.” This is when the various gaps and cracks hold so much food that one seems to be permanently wearing a sort of bread-based gum shield. Here is an example of a physical imperfection that is actually an aid to good health. My tramp-teeth help to keep me slim because I end up flossing away more food than I actually swallow.

However…….there is one other reason I could never play the hero in the movie version of Carnival’s Got the Gun………I am too pale. I have never been able to lay in the sun. It’s boring and if I do I don’t ever go brown. I therefore over the years have grown to accept that if I do sunbathe I go the color of a nun who has just seen a thingy and therefore spend my time in hot destinations scuttling from tree to tree.

I remember once a spa manager on the ship suggested I have a sun bed……I guess she was used to seeing cruise directors with brown skin and white teeth, not the other way round. I didn’t actually lie on a sun bed, as I expected, but instead stood in a sealed cubicle, bombarded by loud crappy music and ultraviolet light. All I wore were two shiny gold-foil cones that I’d been told to wedge into each eye-socket so I didn’t burn my retina. Thus, blind, naked and slightly scorched, I stood, dancing badly to Justin Timberlake, like an extra in a low-rent musical version of Dante’s Inferno. I had never sunbathed naked so I ended up burning parts of me not previously exposed…….at least I think I did but I couldn’t actually see my Thingy to check if it was smouldering until I looked in a full length mirror.

Such was the redness of one particularly sensitive area that, when I went back for my second session a week later, I asked for not two, but three, gold cones. When I’d slotted them all into place I looked like a naked version of C3PO………I never went back ……… suntan my arse…………I don’t need one of those to have a brown bottom……a few curries will be all I need to achieve that.

Let’s answer today’s questions marked for my reply…………here we go.

Melissa Asked:
(please reply)
John, (reply if you would like)
I can’t wait to see your schedule for the Dream when Todd is on vacation. Myself, husband, 2 children (ages 7 & 3), my Mom, stepdad and 2 friends of ours are all going to be sailing on the Eastern Caribbean itinerary from Sat Feb 13th-Sat Feb 20th. We will be coming from the cold states of South Dakota and Wyoming for this cruise and we are so excited. My Mom has been on at least one cruise with you before and we thought you going to be on the Valor with them this last Feb, but you left the week they got on board. Can’t wait for June for new pics of the Dream, do you know what dates you are going to Italy yet so we can start watching for information to be posted? Hope the Thingy comes oon (but not during the soccer game)

John Says:
Hello Melissa
I have a feeling there is a good chance that I may be with you in February. I will chat with Todd when I see him in Italy We are going to visit the Carnival Dream together and I will of course make sure we discuss vacation dates, etc. The visit is planned for the first week in June and as soon as I return I will post as many photos as I can as I know you and many others are looking forward to seeing all the amazing features this ship will have.
Thanks for the kind words and my best to you and the family
John

karen Asked:
My husband and I are booked on the Splendor in June. Needless to say we are a little disappointed about the port changes but totally agree it was necessary. But Carnival has done loyal customers a disservice. This will be our tenth cruise with Carnival. We have sailed other lines but come back to Carnival for the fun. We wanted take advantage of putting this cruise off until the ports opened back up in 2010 and rebook this cruise at a considerable lesser price. Since it is going to ports with little or nothing to do, we felt we should take advantage of lower price more than 1/2 of what we paid. To our surprise, Carnival will not take another $1000.00 dollars from us for this cruise. It seems to us to be a win- win situation. Carnival gets my 2400 dollars for a year and another 1000 now for another cruise. Why will they not allow this? I am not asking for any money back just to be allowed to book at a lower price since it is not the cruise I wanted. Can you help me out? Reply please

John Says:
Hello Karen
Thank you first of all for your support of Carnival over the years and we absolutely love it when we hear people say that after trying another line that they return to us for “the fun” ……..so thank you again. The last few weeks have been very complicated and obviously we have done our very best to appease as many people as we can that have been affected by our forced change of itineraries. From what I understand you wish to move your cruise to 2010 and then book something else for this year. Let me look into this and get back to you. I am going to need you to send Stephanie and I your booking number and last name and as soon as we receive this I am going to direct this to someone who may be able to assist with your request. As I said, we are truly trying to help as many people as possible and I will do everything I can to help you.
Please send me your information and send my best wishes to you and the family
John

Lon & Roxianne Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY!!!
I just read this on the Carnival Cruise Talk (Carnival Legend):
‘Rotan was cancelled because of labor unrest, seems this has been going on for awhile, *meaning they knew this port was iffy* . The $40 isn’t really a credit, they’ve returned the port fees they collected from us, CARNIVAL has really done NOTHING for us. How’s that for Customer Service!’
The post was named “Stuck at sea”. Can you please find out what is going on with this. We will be on this cruise on May 24th.
Thanks for your help. We have been talking to folks on the “Roll call – Legend May 24, 2009. I am going to post that I asked you the question and I will get back with them once you get back to me.
Roxi

John Says:
Hello Lon and Roxi
Yes, unfortunately there was some civil unrest at the port of Roatan which meant that all the cruise ships could not dock there. . I am sorry to say but the person who posted the Carnival Legend thread is totally incorrect. Carnival had no idea that this was going to happen. I am sure this gentleman was upset because of the port cancelation which of course is totally understandable. Here’s Carnival’s statement on the matter –
STATEMENT REGARDING CARNIVAL LEGEND

Carnival Legend’s seven-day western Caribbean cruise from Tampa that departed May 3 was forced to skip its port call Roatan, Honduras, due to civil unrest on the island.
The ship also cancelled its regularly scheduled port call in Cozumel due to the ongoing H1N1 advisory against non-essential travel to Mexico. Guests on the Carnival Legend were given the option of postponing their cruise because of the H1N1 situation prior to the voyage’s departure. The ship did make its regularly scheduled calls at Grand Cayman and Belize.

We realize that guests are disappointed in not being able to call at Roatan, however, please understand that canceling this destination was done in the interest of their safety and that calling at the island simply was not an option as there was a genuine risk involved.

In these sorts of situations, Carnival strives to provide guests with an alternate port of call. However, since we were unable to find a substitute port, guests were provided with a $20 missed port credit as per company policy.

We feel that given the circumstances – and considering that guests enjoyed all other aspects of their cruise, including all on-board dining, activities and entertainment options – we believe that the compensation provided was fair and equitable.

Carnival Legend departed on another seven-day cruise from Tampa on May 10.

I know that missing one of the ports that people plan to see is never a good thing but I do find it quite strange when people write things like “The Cruise From Hell” or in this case “Stuck at Sea”…….you mean stuck at sea with great food, fun, entertainment and all the iconic features that we have onboard. And as for the cruise from hell……..well if everyone looked like Judge Judy or all the guests were French then I can understand it. Seriously though……….. a cruise from hell or stuck at sea is understandable if the ship loses power or something terrible happens then that is a plausible headline.
Anyway, we apologize to all the guests who missed Roatan but from what I understand our ships have begun calling there again as scheduled.
Regarding your group, do you need help with a meeting place for your roll call? If so I would be happy to help.
Please do post this and if the gentlemen who wrote it wishes me to help in with any follow up I would be happy to do so.
Best wishes
John

Evan Asked:

Please Reply
Hi John,
I know you have passed on Andrea’s and Meredith’s comments about the Carnival Splendor cruise of April 26th (AKA the “Mexico is Closed” cruise) to Carnival management, but I wanted to make you aware that there are a very large number of dissatisfied customers who are growing angrier by the day at Carnival’s apparent indifference to our concerns. Check out the following cruisecritic thread:
http://boards.cruisecritic.com/showthread.php?t=980016
I realize that this is not your responsibility. However, since you have a direct communication channel to those who are responsible, I would appreciate if you could make them aware of the fact that this is not a handful of people, but a significant portion of those on the April 26th cruise. We understand that Carnival needed to make some quick decisions, but these decisions do not appear to be consistent nor necessarily in our best interest (not the decision to cancel the Mexican ports, but the decision to go to San Francisco and the reneging on the Carnival Vacation guarantee) and Carnival management’s handling of the entire situation is severely deficient compared to how other cruise lines handled the situation. Please continue to pass on our concerns to those at Carnival who should be aware.
I do want to say that the on-board staff and officers (at least those who were visible) were great and handled the situation as best they could under what appeared to be dubious orders from Carnival management.
This was the first cruise for my family and my first dealings with Carnival, but I must say that the way the situation is being handled does not make me want to try a second time.
Best Regards,
Evan

John Says:
Hello Evan (good Welsh name)
Thanks Evan for taking the time to write. I can assure you that the feelings of some of the guests who were on that first Carnival Splendor cruise that was effected by the H1N1 virus are very much known by everyone at Carnival from the president on down.
I certainly understand why these itinerary changes upset some people, however please realize that this is a highly unusual situation and we really have no other recourse than taking the ship to the Pacific Northwest and Canada. On behalf of everyone at Carnival Cruise Lines, I sincerely for the upset that these changes may have caused. Please let me know if you have any questions.
Best wishes
John

Susan V Asked:
Hi John, Heidi & Thingy:
I know you are getting excited and should be! We look forward to pictures of your beautiful thingy. Wait, that didn’t sound right. Let me rephrase that. We look forward to beautiful pictures of your baby!
JOHN PLEASE RESPOND ASAP: We were lucky enough to take advantage of the Pack and Go rates and will be sailing on the Imagination (whom I love and have sailed on twice already) May 18th. Our 19 year old daughter decided she “HAD TO GO” with us as she needs a vacation from college! Well my question is, on a 4 night cruise do they have a guest talent show. She performed on the Celebration before the ship moved. I tried to get us booked on the Inspiration (which would have been 4 hours closer for us) but darn it, it sold out before I could get in touch with my wonderful PVP Charlene and it was a 5 night cruise. She loves singing and sharing her talent (she actually got into college for vocal, not the mom bragging syndrome). Is there a talent show on the shorter trips? She loved doing it just for the plastic ship on a stick since they wouldn’t give her the champagne (hey they could have given it to us!). She wants to add a ship from this trip. Any suggestions besides the obvious, trivia? We would also like to know who the Cruise Director is. I looked on the old schedule and it showed Ryan Fitzgerald (I think he is haunting me since I had him last year, going on a different one this year and he will be on that one as well!). I just read he was going to be on another ship. Fill me in.
I applaud the crew of the Imagination for the rescue and feel great that we will be sailing with that crew.
Thank you for being you! We have a good laugh every time we read your blog!
Susan, Scott & Heather Vidi
Cabin M—-
Imagination 5/18

John Says:

Hello Susan
I will promise to send photos of my Thingy and once the Thingy is born you can have photos of him or her as well. Now that’s cleared up let me answer your question.
The cruise director on the Carnival Imagination is the brilliant Karl with a K who you will find to be full of fun and energy
I will make sure a solid gold plastic trophy will be delivered to your daughter’s cabin. I do not think they have a talent show on the four-day cruise but I will check. Just in case they do not a trophy will be delivered as a reward for your daughter’s hard work at college.
Thanks so much for recognizing the captain and crew of the Carnival Imagination for there rescue efforts and I know that you and the family will have a fantastic fun cruise vacation together. Please send me a review of the cruise
Best wishes
John

Mark Asked:
Please Reply
John, we are all waiting with great anticipation with you and Heidi for the birth of your first child. Thank you both for sharing a bit of your lives with us.
One thing that has me wondering and I wish I had the guts to ask when I was on the Liberty on January 10th this year. After taking in a marvellous show after our 6:00 pm dinner seating, we were leaving the Venetian Palace and in front of me as we left, there were about 4 older folks women and men that wore dark blue navy blazers with Carnival Insignia on their chests. They appeared to be “Senior” types of officials and judging by their age probably not ships crew…don’t get me wrong not that folks into their later parts of their lives can not work on a cruise ship, but I really got the sense that these were VIP’s are maybe even Head Office personnel.
While I don’t expect that you will know off hand nor do I expect a for certain answer, do you have a sense of who these folk might be? I was just curious. They seemed to have enjoyed themselves and I now wish I would have been bold enough to strike up a little small talk and asked them. Obviously wearing the Carnival blazers, I am sure they wouldn’t have mind answering their role on the ship or within the corporation. I almost had the feeling that these were very senior senior VIP people.
Also, in your answer today to Brittany and her mom about dining for two and the fact they are too shy to meet other people, I must say that my wife and I generally are like that too, BUT are actually kind of curious to see who will be at our table – you never know the friendships that you may forge during these times and even if they are for the duration of the cruise they will hopefully be fond memories.
Good luck John and Heidi!

John Says:
Hello Mark
Thanks firstly for the kind words which are so appreciated by us both.
Well, that’s a good question. Now I can tell you that they were not senior management at Carnival as none I know would ever wear a blue blazer. So, that’s who they are not. I am guessing…..and with what information you gave me…..it is just a guess…….that these people were probably members of staff for a large travel agency or incentive group. Often when we have a large group booking the company or agency will send on members of their staff to work at their hospitality desk and be around the ship. Whenever this happens, the standard dress usually seems to be blue blazers with a “cruise” logo somewhere on the uniform. That’s my only guess. The only staff who wear blue blazers are entertainment staff and security but it doesn’t seem as though they fit into either of those departments.
That’s all I have mate unless you can give me any other details….it will remain… a mystery.
Thanks for the posting and I remain here should you need anything else
Best wishes
John

missingthesmokefreeparadise Asked:
John – PLEASE REPLY
>>Over the last eight months I’ve seen my wife change wonderfully, both physically and mentally, as she prepares for the arrival of her first child.
Does this comment imply that there are other Healdy Thingies running around this fair earth that you are not acknowledging?
Seriously, I know that you will be a great help to Heidi during the birthing process – just remember to get your hand x-rayed after the birth to determine how many bones she will break when she squeezes your hand.
Best of luck and our thoughts are with the three of you at this time. We wait for the announcement of the birth of Thingy Heald.
Blessings be on Heidi, you, Thingy, your doctor or midwife, all the employees of the hospital and whomever else will be involved in this blessed even.

John Says:
Hello Jon
I would gladly have my hand broken today, now, immediately…………this waiting is driving me mad. But it is made easier by the kind thoughts and fun words written by you and so many others so thanks mate for that
Best wishes to you and Mrs Jon
John
Missingthebirthofthingy

Nancy Asked:

Hi John, (please reply)
How nice to read your inner most thoughts of being a dad. You will be great at it. It’s OK to let your sappy side show through. I believe it takes a real man to let that side show. And as far as not having done things that you thought you would, you will now have new dreams and exciting adventures to do your family. I remember my hubby being so nervous. He used to drive me crazy. I made him do the deep breathing techniques. So my advice to you is sit on the floor, do a few hee hees, ha has and who who’s and you’ll feel a lot better. However, don’t do them so fast that you hyperventilate because that would not be fun for Heidi!!
Best wishes and looking forward to seeing the pictures of the cute little Thingy!
Happy Mother’s Day to Heidi!
Nancy

John Says:
Hello Nancy
As soon as I have finished writing the blog I will take your advice and sit on the floor and do my hee hees and ha ha has. Honestly, I am so nervous and anything I can do to calm myself will be great. Heidi on the other hand is as calm as a Sloth in a coma.
Thanks for your wonderful words and hopefully we will have some good news to share very soon
Best wishes
John

Ike Asked:
John……….please reply
The missus, son and granddaughter and I had a wonderful time aboard Valor sailing 4/26. Even though we did not get to Cozumel, we had not been to Key West, so all was not lost. It had been 3 years since we sailed with you on Liberty.
Couple of questions, thoughts or whatever:
Why can’t the “Golf Channel” be seen, especially on Thur & Fri when they carry golf in lieu of the major networks??
The room TV’s are in dire need of an upgrade – small flat panels wood (I can’t help myself, I’m a woodworker) be nice!!
The embarkment was sooooooo much better than the last one from Ft Lauderdale – we got there early and pounced on the comfy sofas. However, it wood be nice to have some sort of reading material, TV’s or something to wile away the time.
Lastly, I took a couple of pics of our Bronx Bar bartender “Pat” that I wood like to send to her. Can this be accomplished??

Thanx, Ike – The Woodbutcher

John Says:
I am glad you had a great cruise despite you missing out on Cozumel and thank you for the positive words.
Unfortunately the Golf Channel is one of those that is scrambled and requires a license to be seen. This license costs an fairly sizable sum of money and unfortunately with us already carrying the network channels plus TNT, The Cartoon Network and ESPN makes it difficult to carry this particular channel doesn’t really have the attraction that some of the others do to our guests. Carnival’s TV package is among the most comprehensive at sea as we now include CNN and other news channels as well. I am sorry that we didn’t show the Golf Channel and hopefully you did not miss out on too much of what was happening in the world of Tiger Woods and friends.
You are though correct, some of the TV’s do need an upgrade and we have already done this on many of our ships with the addition of the flat screen TV’s. Its great to hear from someone who works in wood like my Dad and it seems to be a dying art with everyone these days learning design and technology on computers rather than picking up a hammer and a plain and becoming another Norm Turner…..my dad brought us up on a diet of This Old House and New Yankee Work Shop.
I think that Fort Lauderdale is a home port where guests need the biggest dollop of patience during embarkation and debarkation. It is such a busy port and the facilities are not as comfortable as our new building in Miami. Your suggestions of a TV in the terminal is a good one and I can tell you that there is a special committee of top Carnival executives who are looking at ways we can improve what happens before you embark the ship. You will start to see for example our Fun Force entertainers providing unique fun during the embarkation process on certain ships very soon and that will certainly make the waiting process far more enjoyable.
Please send me permission to send Pat your e-mail address and I will do so you can communicate together.
Thanks for the great posting and if you have any other thoughts from the cruise and would like to post a review we would be glad to read it
Best wishes
John

tracy Asked:
Hi john please respond. I know we got 6 months till our cruise on the Splendor but I have a few ?s to ask. We asked for the dinning room in the back but since Chris will be 4 wed like to know if we could get the balcony booth please by the glass. We sat in a booth when we went on the destiny. And if it’s ok if I ask for grilled cheese again. And say u said it was ok? ty tracy

John Says:
Hello Tracy
I am sure you will be OK to ask for a grilled cheese sandwich and yes……..tell them I said so and that you should get extra cheese. Please remind me a week or so before you sail and I will assist you in your request
Best wishes
John

trixie Asked:
Hi, just found your blog searching for carnival cruise stuff. I am looking for old commercials. Like from the mid 90’s. Do you know if they are online somewhere?
thanks so much

John Says:
Hello Trixie
Welcome to the blog thingy we are all glad you joined the 4 million plus readers who have clicked on the blog over the past two years. I think you may be referring to the Kathy Lee Gifford commercials and if so maybe these are the ones you are looking for
http://www.youtube.com/results?search_type=&search_query=kathy+lee+carnival+commercials&aq=f
There. Hope that’s what you were looking for. If I may be so bold……………why did you want to see those? Just curious. Have you seen our new “Fun Director” commercials? Anyway, drop us a line here on the blog when you can
Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and as ever I will be here should you mark your comments “John, please reply,” I will be ready to do so.

For those of you who have been waiting on information on our Galveston program for April 2010, here’s some exciting news.

CQ7DC_GAL_G

CQ7DC_GAL_I

CQ7DEWC_GAL_G

CQ7DWC_GAL_G

CQ7DWC_GAL_I

Galveston is a terrific port and I’m so glad to be able to share this news with you.

You know I was thinking recently about my very first memory as a kid……I don’t know what……..I just was.

Earliest memories are usually based on home-video footage and photos. Often they are vague – but mine is very clear. I know exactly what my earliest clear memory is, and exactly when it happened. It was 40 years ago this summer. I was four. My Dad took me out to our back yard and handed me a rusty old pair of binoculars and asked me if I could see the astronauts on the moon………….and I said that I could.

This memory came back to me when I was watching a program called Conspiracy Theories on TV. The theory – perhaps rumor is a better word – that the 1969 moon landing was faked by NASA was the topic. The program argues that conspiracy theories such as this have become more prevalent in recent years because of the Internet, and certainly the wild entries about Diana, Princess of Wales, being assassinated, or about the 9/11 and 7/7 terror attacks being planned by the Bush administration, bears this out.

Yet I wonder whether the internet actually means we are ultimately less likely to believe conspiracy theories, not more. One of the main pieces of evidence cited by those who thought it was faked was that the Stars and Stripes appeared to flutter in the non-existent lunar breeze. This works because your memories of watching that ghostly footage are vague enough to believe that there might have been a flutter. But now, thanks to The YouTube thingy, you can look up the original footage and see for yourself that the flag is absolutely still.

I also think the mountainous, steaming quantity of Yak poo out there on the internet makes you naturally more suspicious of conspiracy theories, not less. It has forced us to use our common sense. The swine flu conspiracy theories, for example have bloggers and internet conspirators busy claiming it has all being hyped up to sell newspapers. Anyway ……. my point is that the internet is full of conspiracy theories and opinions and of course they include those within the cruise industry. Many times these theories are correct but many times they are not. It is because of this that I think blogs like mine are so important ……. what I mean by that rather self proclaiming comment is that a blog like this allows me to apologize personally when we at Carnival make a mistake…….and to defend Carnival when those conspiracy theories………. are just plain wrong.

I have decided that I need to know more about Canada.

It’s a place I want to discover and spend some time cruising there. I want to do this because I know little about Vancouver and I am starting to get questions about the Carnival Splendor sailing to this beautiful port and I realized that I don’t know enough. The trouble with Canada is that it lives in the almighty shadow of the United States.

It’s overshadowed geographically, too. America has the Grand Canyon and vast deserts. It has tropical everglades, mountain ranges and, with a skilful use of recent mapping techniques, most of Niagara Falls, too. There’s a similar problem with culture. We listen to American music, watch American films, wear American clothes and every teenage child has now adopted a Los Angeles speech syntax that is, like, so fun….. whateeeeevvvver ……… Whereas the biggest thing to come out of Canada is Donald Sutherland.

Using Mr Google I discovered that Vancouver was named by the London-based Economist Intelligence Unit as the best city in the world in which to live. It’s even better than Zurich and Melbourne, apparently, thanks to low crime, a good infrastructure a minimal risk of terrorism and lots of lap dancing clubs.

I have a friend……..Doctor Timothy Lawrence who I went to school with who moved to Vancouver from the UK………..and he says its paradise. Actually I should take what he says with a pinch of salt because he isn’t a real doctor…….he is an animal surgeon and a vet’s life is actually quite bleak. They spend longer at college than doctors, get paid less, and then go through life with their hand up a cows arse before returning to their surgery in time to put down some poor child’s sickly cocker spaniel.

Anyway……..I know very little about this port so……….if anyone has been or actually lives there………how about telling us about your city………..why it’s the best place to visit and what you would suggest your blogger friends do on a days visit to Vancouver. One day I hope to visit your great city myself but for now……..I need your help so please …….as they say in Canada ………post away……….”eh?”

Well, my nerves are now totally shot to pieces and last night every time Heidi moved in bed I shot up to see if this was it…………it wasn’t and today my eyes have big enough bags under them to cradle both of Pamela Andersen’s breasts in them.

I am very short with everyone and I find myself snapping at everyone around me. This morning I had to call Barclays Bank and clenched my fists as a recorded voice asked for my date of birth. Now, I like to think I have pretty clear diction . Nevertheless, when I said “22nd January, 1965,” the staccato message that came back was: “You said… 12th August, 1992… is that correct? So I tried speaking in an Indian accent……and got straight through……….bugger.

I am also not getting enough sleep because of another issue………Heidi’s snoring ……. she has never ever snored……until a few days ago………and oh boy is she making up for lost time. Heidi begins her Fifth Symphony in A Minor by noisily sucking in air and then wheezing it out through its nose – it sounds like the noise I would make if you were to hit me in the testicles with a cactus. Heidi then compliments this with popping sound some people can make by clicking their tongue off the top of their mouth – she then brings the curtain down with a gurgling throat death rattle.

Nobody prepares you for the fact that toward the end of the pregnancy, your once softly sleeping angel will probably sound more like a 20-stone, beer swilling, getting-home-late, Taco Bell eating man.

As the arrival of the Thingy is imminent, we’ve spent the last week getting the hospital bags ready. This is a rather complex affair for the woman, as she’s no only packing for herself but for the newborn Thingy as well. There are so many things to consider and so it does take some planning and forethought.

In my bag I’ve got a two magazines (Playboy and Carnival Currents), a book called Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin (actually, I might have to rethink that one), a pack of sugar free cookies, some sugar free jelly beans, water, piles of change for vending machines, deodorant, a change of clothes, Valium and a bottle of Scotch ……. and most importantly…….a change of underwear.

I have been told I should prepare for a long exhausting day – which I why I guess ………… they call it labor.

I will let you know if there is any news via the raspberry and thank you all for your continuing kind words.

Goodnight
Your friends
John, Heidi and the Thingy

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

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