Poo TV

May 18, 2009 -

John Heald

In days gone past had Heidi woken up and revealed her breasts the first thing I would have done would not have been to turn on the TV. However, as her exposure was to allow Kye to have a drink that’s exactly what I did…….turn on the TV. I am not sure about North America and other parts of the world but here in the UK late night TV is totally and utterly crap.

I flicked through dozens of infomercials including one self help thingy that for a moment I thought was being hosted by Richard Kiel who played Jaws in the Bond movies of old………turned out it wasn’t him. Not wanting to pay £89 for a series of DVD’s that would help me to become a better person and a millionaire all in three months I flicked over to the Home Shopping Network where the actress who played Bobby Ewing’s wife, Pam, was selling me some face cream that would make me look younger and if that didn’t work she suggested that I take a shower where like her husband did in Dallas I would find that I wasn’t really an ugly overweight sod but in fact……..it was just a dream.

Then the next flick of the remote control brought me to a chap selling Ginso Knives. The man in question was according to the title on the screen Dennis Haysebert (or something like that) Actor. Now I am sure Dennis is a fine actor although I have not actually seen anything he is in.

However, I wonder why he was chosen to try and persuade the public to buy some Ginso Knives. Surely someone Japanese would have been more suited for this…………or if he wasn’t in prison………maybe OJ Simpson?

Finally during my channel hoping I struck gold……….Laurel and Hardy gold………………… a film called Sons of the Desert. I have always loved Laurel and Hardy and that look of despair that Ollie gives the camera is pure genius. In Sons of the Desert our buddies try and get some time away from their domineering wives or “bitches” as they would be called today in street slang. They feign illness to get to go to on a boys trip to Honolulu and chaos obviously follows.

As I watched I learned that men of today could learn from Laurel and Hardy …. for example kicking your wife in the arse was acceptable and never marry a woman who is a crack shot with a rifle.

I do love a good buddy film and although some have tried they don’t make them like they used to. One of the movies I chose to show on the Seaside Theatre on the Carnival Freedom for classic movie night was Lethal Weapon. Mel Gibson plays a Vietnam vet Riggs while family man Roger Murtaugh (had to Google his character by the way) is played by Danny Glover……..whose wife in the movie was of course ex-Carnival entertainer the fabulous Darlene Love.

What is it I love about this movie? Probably because the fact that it’s about two characters who hate each other. Riggs is always trying to get Murtaugh to do stuff he does not want to do and these acts usually ended with Danny Glover saying “I am too old for this shit.”………except it’s pronounced “I’m too old for this shhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyytttttt.”
Lethal Weapon is just the same as most men’s relationships at work. We all know a guy at work like Roger Murtaugh. I worked with a pain in the arse hotel director who had been in the cruise industry for years and only wanted to get on with his job. I always used to send him stupid e-mails or dragged him to the cigar bar for a late night drink but he would just say “I am too old for this shit.” ……………..and bugger off to bed.

Anyway, I loved the film despite the fact that Mel Gibson’s character is shot at by dozens of drug smuggling psychos yet not one can hit him and that’s despite the fact that his mullet was so large it had it’s own zip code……..oh and one more thing. Riggs was supposed to have fought in the Vietnam War but that would have made him 12 years old…..I know he’s supposed to be a hard bastard but come on.

Anyway, before I lose the temptation to write more about Kye I had better answer some questions……..here we go.

Lisa Asked:
Hi John!
This is Lisa (AKA cruzlovinmom) one of your blog friends. I’m ‘Princess Elaine’ sister, and I was on the first bloggers cruise in Big Eds group (unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make the second trip).
First off, although I responded on your blog, I just have to say ‘congratulations’ again on the birth of your daughter. She is just beautiful, and I LOVE her name….its just as perfect as she is :*)
I apologize in advance, as I know this is a very busy time, but I have a small favor to ask of you.
My husband and I were booked on the new Carnival ‘Dream’ in a wonderful ‘aft’ balcony room for Jan 2010, but unfortunately, (due to my husbands job) we had to cancel. As you can imagine, we were really disappointed, but decided to book Glory (since it has the same itinerary as our ‘Dream’ cruise would have had) for June 6th, 2009. Because the prices are much higher in June compared to Jan, we had to give up our ‘aft balcony’ for an inside room,…..but I know we will still have a ‘great’ time on our cruise, as all our Carnival cruises have been ‘wonderful’. 🙂
We were disappointed to learn that (unlike the ‘Dream’) Carnival Glory does not (yet) have ‘Your Time’ dining. My husband and I will be celebrating our 22 wedding anniversary on this cruise, and as parents to seven kids, we rarely get a chance to eat a nice ‘quiet’ meal alone together, and we would really LOVE a table for two. Do you think you might be able to arrange that? I completely understand if you can’t, but ‘if’ so, we would GREATLY appreciate it 🙂 Our trip is less than 3 weeks away, so I’m including all the information you might need, in the event that you can help us out with this 🙂
Again, thanks so much for all you do. I love reading your blog, and you have a wonderful way of making me laugh and cry …..sometimes at the same time! lol My best to Heidi, and please give that beautiful daughter an ‘extra’ kiss from me. 🙂
Lisa (Cruzlovinmom)
(Table For ‘Two’ Request)
Reservation Information
Richard and Lisa Alte
Sailing on Carnival Glory, June 6th 2009
Late seating (8:15)

John Says:
Hello Lisa
I still have many happy memories of our time together during the first of the Bloggers Cruises on the Carnival Freedom. I know that time with the one you love is precious so I will certainly do all I can to help you reserve a table for two during your cruise on the Carnival Glory. I hope you both have a wonderful time and I hope we get to cruise together very soon. I look forward to reading your review here on the blog thingy
Best wishes

Wes and Liz ,Manchester England Asked:
Reply if you get chance.
Hopefully there will be some movement on the Thingy front by the time
you get this.

I see neither of our soccer teams performed particularly well over the
weekend. Still there’s always next season.

I noticed your deployment dates for September on the Dream. Is that
right that you are only with us for the first 3 days of the inaugural
and a disembarking in Dubrovnik before coming home?

We were looking today for our next Spring cruise for 2010 and saw that
you are listed as returning to the Dream as CD in February. Have you
any idea how long you will be there or are you just filling in for
Todd for a short period.

Anyway fingers crossed and hope all goes well. Best wishes to Heidi.


Liz and Wes

John Says:

Hello Liz and Wes.
I was counting on the blues to beat United so it would give Liverpool a chance to win but it was not to be………..bugger. I will definitely see you in February as I am on the Carnival Dream for sure. In fact in a few moments I will tell you the exact dates and show you some more photos of this stunning vessel. It will be great to see you especially if you bring me some PG Tips (That’s a tea by the way for the non-Brits.)
Anyway, see you soon and hope the sun is shining in Manchester………..but I doubt it 🙂
Best wishes to you both

JenniLynn Asked:
Here is the info that John requested I send you so that we will be
able to get the shore excursion booking issues straightened out. The
names on the reservation are Kevin and Jenni Fitzgerald the booking #
is —-. Thank you so much!

The sail date is May, 30 on the Glory. The excursions we want to book
are the “Sail Grand Turk and Snorkel” in Grand Turk, and the
“Bobsled Jamaica w/ Dunns River Falls” in Ocho Rios.

Thanks again for all that you do!
Jenni Lynn

John Says:

Hello Jenni Lynn
I have forwarded your request to the shore excursion manager on the Carnival Glory. I am sorry that we have had some problems with the online booking service with these particular tours so I will ask the staff to hold these for you and please stop by the shore excursion desk on deck 3 when you can to collect the tickets.
Best wishes and please send us a review of your cruise
Have a fantastic time

Melissa Jurgensen Asked:
John please reply.

Who will the CD on the Destiny be in July? My father and brother are
taking their first cruise and I’ve got them booked on the Destiny for
July 13. I would love it if Stephanie will still be CD when they are
on board!

Anyway, my best to you, Heidi and the Thingy. I’m anxiously waiting with you!


John Says:
Hello Melissa
The cruise director for your parent’s Carnival Destiny cruise will be Brent Loyer who is a very popular cruise director indeed. Stephanie will have completed her time by then but I am sure she will get another chance very soon to be Cruise Director. I hope you parents have a great cruise and please let me know if they need anything
Best wishes to you all

Annette Asked:
Hi John (please reply) – I read in a thread in the Carnival Connections that Captain Nogara sailed his last cruise on the Liberty a week ago. The comment made it sound like he was not coming back. Is he just taking his break or moving to another ship, or possibly
retiring? I’ve cruised the Liberty twice and have found him to be a very
accommodating Captain. The last trip, April 18, 2009, I found him
looking a little gaunt and just wanted to make sure that he was not

Thanks for your response.

I’ll offer early congrats on the birth of thingy because I’m sure it
will be happening any hour now

John Says:

Hello Annette
Like you, I am a big fan of Captain Marco Nogara. I had the honor of sailing with him on the Carnival Liberty’s inaugural cruise which included a visit to his home town of Venice. It was a very proud day for him and his family. Captain Nogara has decided to retire and become a gondolier. He has already bought the striped shirt and the tight pants and his boat will be called the Flying Pasta. He has promised to give a discount to all Carnival cruisers……….kidding. Captain Nogara is on vacation and will return to the Carnival Liberty in July and he is very well but………like all ship’s captain’s who have a somewhat stressful job I am sure he is enjoying a very much needed vacation
Best wishes and I am here if you have any further questions

Waiting4acruise Asked:

Please Reply.

We were on the April 27, 2009 Ecstasy cruise to nowhere. This was my
wife’s birthday cruise. Today we received a response from Carnival
about this cruise. We appreciate and thank Carnival for its offer to

I also want to Cruise Critic Host Mach in contacting you for us in
behalf of my wife’s birthday on the cruise. We want to thank you for
the gift basket and contacting the crew on the Ecstasy. Even though we
could not be in Progresso for her birthday, CD Steve Cassell and the
dining room staff made her birthday special.

With the Galveston itineraries just being published for 2010, would
consider tweaking the Conquest itinerary some cruise could go Rotan
and Belize?

John Says:

Hello Waiting4acruise
I want to thank you for being so positive about your cruise to nowhere. This was something that I no came as a big disappointment to many and your understanding of what we needed to do and why is much appreciated. Host Mach is a great friend and I will take the time to thank Steve Cassel the CD for you as well.
The new Carnival Conquest itinerary for 2010 has both Eastern and Western Caribbean cruises scheduled and I know many of the people who love the ship and having Galveston as the home port will appreciate the chance to see ports like St. Thomas. Certainly in the future we will look at Belize and Roatan which are both up and coming ports and ones that Carnival continues to invest its fleet in so I would say there is always a good a chance that you will be able to sail there on the Carnival Conquest as we are always looking to keep our itineraries as fresh as possible.
I hope you had fun despite the changes and thanks again for taking the time to write
Best wishes

Chance H. Asked:
Hello John,
Sorry to bother you at this very important time in your life but I had to ask this question. You see my Thingy is now 10 years old and will be going on a back to back cruise with me from June 7th-June 21st on the Splendor and she is growing more and more concerned about her swim time. I understand now that the pools will most certainly be open but she wanted to know about two things. First, what is the water temperature in the pool like when the itinerary is in such a cool place. Secondly but most importantly, is the water slide open when the temperatures are as cool as the weather page predicts? (Mid to late 60 degrees)

Now, Mom has a question. We have a category 11 suite for the first cruise (June 7th – 14th) but we will be moving into a 9A cabin for the second cruise (June 14th – 21st). Will we have to get off the ship in Los Angeles and re-board or is there something that is regular protocol for this type of situation? Thank you in advance for your reply. I
can’t wait to hear the good news about your Thingy. Hoping it comes soon! Hello John, Sorry to bother you at this very important time in your life but I had to ask this question. You see my Thingy is now 10 years old and will be going on a back to back cruise with me from June 7th-June 21st on the Splendor and she is growing more and more concerned about her swim time. I understand now that the pools will most certainly be open but she wanted to know about two things. First, what is the water temperature in the pool like when the itinerary is in such a cool place? Secondly but most importantly, is the water slide open when the temperatures are as cool as the weather page predicts? (Mid to late 60 degrees) Now, Mom has a question. We have a category 11 suite for the first cruise (June 7th – 14th) but we will be moving into a 9A cabin for the second cruise (June 14th – 21st).
Will we have to get off the ship in Los Angeles and re-board or is there something that is regular protocol for this type of situation? Thank you in advance for your reply. I can’t wait to hear the good news about your Thingy. Hoping it comes soon

John Says:
Hello Chance H
Congratulations on booking a back to back cruise on the stunning Carnival Splendor. Let me start by telling your 10-year-old that she has nothing to worry about. You see, the Carnival Splendor has a retractable roof which means that if the weather is chilly or rain is in the air, we press a button and the roof will close cocooning the lido deck from all that nasty weather. Plus, the pool is heated and while I do not know the exact temperature the water is warm…………and she will be able to enjoy the pool all day long. The only time we close the water slide is if there is a lot of wind. remember, the slide is quite high so we do have to be very safety conscious here but I am sure she will have many hours of fun on the twister slide…………make sure you show her photos of the water park on the Carnival Dream on carnival.com/dream……I have a feeling she will be saying ” Mummy, I want to go ………….NOW.”
Please do not worry about the change of cabin. We have a protocol for this where your stateroom steward will take your suitcases to your new cabin. Also, any clothes hanging in the closet will also be taken for you. So, just pack accordingly and they will take care of this. The guest services desk will inform you of the immigration procedures in California. You will have to disembark and take a new photo for your Sail & Sign card but you do not have to go through the check-in process twice.
I know you will have fun and I hope you will send a review of your cruise here to the blog thingy
My best to you and the family

Irene Garner Asked:
Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful heaven sent little
angel, Kye. You can’t call her a thingy anymore….instead…

“Daddy’s little girl”……..music please

You’re the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold.
You’re daddy’s little girl, to have and hold.
A precious gem is what you are;
You’re mommy’s bright and shining star.

You’re the spirit of Christmas, the star on our tree.
You’re the Easter Bunny to Mommy and me.
You’re sugar, you’re spice, and you’re everything nice
And You’re Daddy’s Little Girl

You’re a treasure I cherish, all sparkling and bright.
You were touched by Holy and beautiful light;
Like the angels who sing, a heavenly thing;
And you’re Daddy’s Little Girl

Dear John…Please reply,

I marked the last message, please reply but there’s no need to. This
one does need your reply though.

I am not sure what the gift was that you planned to give to my
grandson for his 18th birthday. From what I gather it was left with
the CD on the Carnival Paradise, but he thought we were on a later
sailing. You did mention a picture in previous email, so not sure if
that was of you, or the ship, but he would be just as happy with a
trophy, it that was what it was meant to be.
Here’s his mailing address once again
Mackenzie B.

Thanks again and enjoy your time with your new baby.

All the best…Irene Garner (hooked on cruising)

John Says:
Hello Irene
Thank you for the beautiful poem which we both enjoyed reading in fact Heidi has only just finished saying “Aaaaahhhhhhh.” I thank you for the address and will now make sure Stephanie Meads mails this to you. It’s solid gold……..with a bit of plastic.
Once again sorry we let you down the first time
Best wishes

Mike Asked:

John Please Reply

Congratulations on Beautiful Kye, Best to Heidi too. Hope you bring her on the 12/3/09 bloggers cruise so we can spoil her a little. John, I just reserved 40 cabins on the Inspiration for a social club cruise February of 2010. Does Carnival have any promotional material they can send to entice the members to sign up for this cruise?
Flyers, banners, etc?



John Says:
Hello Mike
Thanks for the kind words and I will also say thank you for booking 40 cabins on the Carnival Inspiration. I will forward your request to someone who can maybe help you with some advertising material etc. Maybe you could remind before you sail as well please.
Thanks again and my best wishes to you all

Jrmende63( Julie Mendenhall Asked:

I was just on Cruise critic reading where someone posted that Carnival
is doing away with the past guest pins. Please say it isn’t so…I
collect those pins and really treasure them. I have my pins on my hat
and Randall, hubby has his pins on his hat. They mean a lot to lots of
people. I know some folks don’t like them or don’t want them or sell
or give them away, but lots of folks do want them.
I really hope it is not true. Julie

John Says:
Hello Julie
Well, I am afraid it is indeed true. We have for the time being stopped the pins. You see, while many people wear them with pride there are many more who just discard them as you said. So, we have stopped them and once the ships have used up their supplies they will cease all together. Meanwhile we are looking at other ways of saying thank you to our past guests who are so very important and as soon as I know of any new details I will of course let you know. Please let me know if you have a follow up question
Best wishes

That’s all for today. Please let me know if you need my help in anyway by marking your comments with a “John, please reply.”

The Carnival Dream is just a few months from her maiden voyage and now is the time where some of the department heads start to head to the shipyard.

One already there is my old friend Marchin Myszewski (he’s Irish) who is the company’s senior housekeeping manager.

I have lost count at the number of ships we have delivered together and we always share a lot of stress and a lot of laughs. Marcin is already in Monfalcone and sent me a few Carnival Dream photos including one of the piano bar, the aft pool and pizzeria ……..as you will see, she really is coming along now.




Aft pool-Dream

Anyway, I will be there in a few weeks to take many more shots and if I am honest ………..I am a bit disappointed with myself for saying “no” to bringing out the Carnival Dream. You see, I had planned on being in Europe for the whole season on the Carnival Liberty which would have kept me closer to Heidi for longer but the more I see of her and the more I write about her the more excited I get. Anyway, I live in hope as I know do many of you that Carnival will return to Europe in 2011 but before then I will get to experience being the cruise director of the flagship at least once.

As you know Todd Wittmer is the ship’s deserved CD and I know he will do a fantastic job and is totally the right man for the job despite having a girly hairstyle and boy band looks…….. personally, I think he needs a good smack in the face with a frying pan…..it would make him an even better cruise director. Anyway, bringing out a new ship is a rewarding but exhausting job and he will need a break. So, I will cover his vacation which has now been set. This means that the first part of my 2010 schedule will have me on the Carnival Dream from January 28 to March 20……….and I can’t wait. There will be lots of new features on the ship, some of which I will start telling you about very soon including something called…………The Fun Hub!

Of course I get to be with many of you during the bloggers cruises and as promised I will now concentrate on getting news to you about these voyages this week. And of course in my role as brand ambassador I am hoping that I will be allowed to host the naming ceremony and meet the Carnival Dream’s godmother…………..whoever she may be. I have been wondering if there really is such a thing as a complete cruise ship. We talk, often, about the world’s biggest cruise liner, and the world’s most impressive onboard feature, and the world’s most expensive on board suite. We bask in the magnificence of the Queen Mary 2’s magnificence and we marvel at the extraordinary reliability of the Fantasy class ships.

But is there a ship that brings all of these things together, wraps them up in an easy-to-digest, value-for-money package and is sitting there waiting to be experienced .I think there just might be such a ship……..the Carnival Dream.

Let’s just drop by the world of Kye. She has been wonderful and after her 2 am session of sucking on Heidi’s left top bosom……… She then slept until 7:45 am………..that was pure heaven. The nurse came over today because in the UK there is a free home service for every newborn baby where a nurse or midwife will visit the house twice a week for 6 weeks offering help and suggestion and making sure Mum and baby are well. I was going to ask her to look at my hemorrhoids as she was here but considering Heidi’s emotional state I didn’t think it wise. Anyway, Kye is healthy and apart from a touch of jaundice which can be cured by a few naps in sunlight all is well.

Heidi has been brilliant and has been so patient with the breast-feeding thing. You see Kye is a girl, so unlike boys who when offered a nipple would suck on it for an entire year, she takes her time and Heidi sits there encouraging her. Breast-feeding is very popular in Europe and once again I am proud of her patience.

We have had one argument though. Heidi wants me to put a “baby on board” sticker on the back of the Range Rover………..”Yes,” I said……..it can go right next to the one that says “I love Polar Bears.”

Anyway, here is one last Kye photo and I promise this will be the last one for a bit as I am sure some of you must be getting fed up with all the baby talk……..so here she is aged three days.


OK, time to go and do my jobs around the house. I really have had to learn how to do basic stuff. I guess I have been living in an old-fashioned dream. I provide the money and Heidi does the looking after but even though that Kye has only been with us a few days I am already finding out that the dream………is over. Now I have to find out how the washing machine and dishwasher work. I’ve messed up a lot of things like today I put in the dishwasher tablet without taking off the wrapping……..but I am really trying ………… honestly I am.

However…..I am looking forward to Heidi’s Mum coming on Wednesday for a week or 12! Hopefully she can help with the cooking, the cleaning, the dishwasher, the washing machine, the ironing, the shopping and well ……… everything ………. she is welcome to have full control of every electrical appliance in the house …….. except the remote control, of course. I just realized, apart from late night TV which I watch while my little poo monster has her diaper changed………I haven’t watched TV in 4 days………I think I feel faint.

Talking of TV, I doubt I will have the Range Rover when Kye is four or five years old but if I do she will be very happy because there are two TV’s in the back of the headrests and she can watch Pepper Pig (if it hasn’t got swine flu) and endless episodes of Dora the bloody Explorer. I have friends who have filled their cars with PlayStations, MP3 systems and DVD players, all designed to protect themselves against the nightmare scenario that one of their little darlings might suffer a moment of boredom during the 10- minute journey to kindergarten.

Apparently looking out of the window is not “cool.”

Heidi and I see our lives beginning to change but that’s OK. We don’t mind very much that the days when we can simply disappear off to a cruise together are over. Sure, we could take Kye too, but I really do believe that no-one should ever be allowed to take a baby on a long-haul flight. Airlines ban smoking because it inconveniences other passengers, yet children are allowed to howl all the way from London to Miami. Having flown so many times across the pond and back I have always said that babies should not be allowed on a long-haul flight until they were old enough to grasp the concept of reason. It is simply not fair to impose your screaming child on other people who have paid lots of money for an airline ticket and want their crap meal before a night’s sleep while crossing the Atlantic.

There’s talk at the moment of introducing planes with standing room for economy class passengers. Fine. So why not soundproofed overhead lockers into which babies can be placed? Or how about flights where under-twos are banned?

I once flew with the young baby seated right behind me. The crying began before the 747 was airborne, and built to a climax as we took off. And this was the longest climax in the history of sound. It went on, at Black Sabbath volume, without hesitation, until we began the descent eight hours later. At which point, thanks to a change in pressure on the baby’s tiny ear holes, the noise reached new and terrifying heights. I honestly thought the plane’s windows might break. And what do you suppose the mother did to calm her infant? Feed it some warm milk? Read it a nice soothing story? Nope. She turned her seat into a bed, puffed up her pillow, and pretended to go to sleep.

It was then that I swore I would never take my kids on a long haul flight. But now …….. all that’s changed and all I can think about is leaving both Heidi and Kye in June. I still won’t inflict an eight-hour flight on them or the other passengers .And that means Kye will have to wait until 2011 and hopefully a European contract for Daddy and her first cruise………..and when that’s finished her daddy will see her every day ………. because by then he will be president of P&O.

Your friends
John, Heidi and Kye

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.