You Will Start to Feel Sleepy

June 23, 2009 -

John Heald

“What a load of bollocks,” I cried when one of the entertainment staff here on the Carnival Freedom revealed that her dramatically slimmed-down figure was not the result of the latest Hollywood diet or a hot new personal trainer, but was in fact due to……………. hypnotherapy.

That a woman could magically drop three dress sizes and go from having an arse the size of a Hummer to having a one that makes the boys wink as a result of lying on someone’s couch sounds, frankly, unbelievable. And the person who helped her was in fact the entertainer in last night’s show. I won’t mention his name as that probably isn’t appropriate but I will say before I dissect what he does that from an entertainment point of view it was a great show and the audience laughed a lot at the antics he had allegedly had their fellow guests doing under his hypnotic spell. I spoke to him afterwards and he assured me of the effectiveness of hypnosis for weight loss and a range of other issues, from anxiety and sleep disorders to infertility, compulsive shopping and I.H.T.F.D (I hate the French disorder.).

Let’s face it. Hypnosis does not exactly have the best reputation, what with the ritual humiliations employed by stage hypnotists. The stage scenario has given the process a bad name. Is it mind control……… can someone really control someone else’s mind? Or is hypnotherapy like Google. It puts helpful information into your mind so the brain can find it next time it’s doing a search.

Gone are the days that the hypnotist swings a pocket watch in front of his victim whispering “Look into My Eyes.” Nope…………..last night he just spoke to all 15 audience members over the microphone and before you knew it one thought he was Britney Spears, one ate an onion because he had been hypnotized into thinking it was an apple and two buggered off because they weren’t able to fall under his spell. The highlight of the evening was a guest who every time the entertainer said the word “Swim” he would take off his shirt and swim across the stage.

Now I have to say that I thought it was remarkable that he was able to hypnotize 15 people all at the same time although as I said a few didn’t go under. Maybe he should have used something more hypnotic like Donald Trump’s hair. It’s mesmerizing. Just wave a photo of Donald Trump before your eyes and, as you struggle to work out which laws of physics might explain the anti-gravity properties of his hairdo — wham! — You’ve drifted into a trance. A comb-over is just too mild a word to describe it. It looks more structurally complex than a DNA molecule.

It’s like Angelina Jolie’s cleavage………once you know it’s there, it’s hard to keep your eyes off it. If you met Trump your mouth would be saying, “Nice to meet you. I’m visiting New York for a few days. It’s a beautiful city . . .” but your brain would be saying, “Nice to meet you . . . MY GOD, LOOK AT THE HAIR! . . . I’m visiting New York for a few days . . . THE HAIR! THE HAIR! LOOK AT IT! . . . It’s a beautiful city . . . HASN’T ANYONE HERE NOTICED THE HAIR?”

I just saw the Donald on the TV last night in my cabin and in one sequence Trump was talking while standing within a few feet of a helicopter whose blades were whirring overhead, generating tornado-speed air currents beneath, and Trump’s hair style barely moved. Either the ensemble is held in place by superglue, thereby creating a protective helmet capable of deflecting an airborne attack by bowling balls, or else Trump’s hairspray consumption is a sufficient enough threat to the ozone layer to merit Al Gore making a movie about it.

Sorry………as usual I digress. So, the show was fantastic and he had people doing outrageous stuff. I will just say that all of his volunteers were younger people and to me one or two looked like they were acting………..just a bit.

But maybe I am a skeptic………maybe I should try it …. maybe it could help me lose weight…….maybe it would help me become more of a stud muffin……maybe it would help me understand that the French are a beautiful race of people who smell only of fresh roses…………….hypnosis my arse.
Time for today’s questions……………….here we go.

mickeyspal Asked:
John: PLEASE REPLY (by email if you prefer)
Just read this in an article.
Britain is well along the road toward totally controlling health care. Steyn says, “Under Britain’s National Health Service, for example, smokers in Manchester have been denied treatment for heart disease, and the obese in Suffolk are refused hip and knee replacements. Patricia Hewitt, the British Health Secretary, says that it’s appropriate to decline treatment on the basis of ‘lifestyle choices.’” Steyn adds, “Smokers and the obese may look at their gay neighbor having unprotected sex with multiple partners, and wonder why his ‘lifestyle choices’ get a pass while theirs don’t. But that’s the point: Tyranny is always whimsical.”
Is it true? It’s kind of like your comments regarding the two adoptive “fathers” when you were turned down because of…what? Your lifestyle?
This is the “health care system” the bama wants to “give” us, and frankly it frightens me.
Your pal, Myra

John Says:
Hello Myra
Goodness me, how this blog thingy has grown over the last few months and here I am starting today’s Q & A session with a question about the British National Health System. Well, first of all I should point out that we (that is the UK) never voted for Gordon Brown. When His Royal Highness Tony Blair buggered off we were given Gordon Brown. There was no election ……… he was just…….well…………there. It’s a bit like arriving on the Carnival Freedom to find out that the captain has been replaced and instead of an experienced Italian master leading your cruise vacation you find Paris Hilton is in charge………….it’s the same with the UK………..and with Paris and Gordon in charge there is a good chance that someone is going to get screwed!
However, those comments made by one of Brown’s cronies Patricia Hewitt were comments she later had to apologize for. I will tell you this. Having experienced the NHS myself with my Dad and more recently Heidi I have nothing but immense gratitude and praise for the nurses and doctors who work within the system. Yes, there are waiting lists for non emergency treatment but break a leg, have a heart attack, suffer from explosive hemorrhoids or have a baby…….you will be taken straight into brilliantly staffed and operated modern hospitals and as you are wheeled into surgery you won’t be worrying about how you are going to pay for it. I will just say this.
Health care should be available to everyone and if you can give it for free………well then ……..why wouldn’t you. I know there are complications and I know America is a vastly bigger and more complicated story but for me……..even though Carnival provides me with first class medical insurance……..having seen the NHS deliver my darling Kye…..I cannot say anything but thank you to the system and the staff that work within it……. Yes, it would have been nice if some of the books in the waiting room had been more adult in nature; and in the same vein, I do think that some of the prettier nurses could have been wearing stockings. But that’s about it.
If I were running the NHS, frankly, I’d give everyone a hearty slap on the back and the Nurses a free cruise and a pay raise.
Just my opinion mate.

Bill Russell Asked:

John, (Please Reply)
Good news and bad news.
1st looking forward to seeing you on the Dream Dec 3.
The bad news. On our last cruise to the Caribbean Joan got a free charm bracelet and charm from Diamonds International. On Dec. 1, 2008 she bought the whole thing. A new bracelet and all charms in the series for $39.95. It was listed as Caribbean Diamond Charm Bracelet #. As of today most of the gold plating has worn off and they look sort of a silver/goldish color. Not very attractive to wear anymore. Why do they sell this stuff if it cannot keep the gold color. Very disappointed and never will trade with DI again.
Bill and Joan Russell
John Says:
Hello Bill and Joan

Having read your comment I spoke to the shopping specialist here on board. She told me that the free bracelet is not made of real gold but is in fact gold plated. However, the charms themselves are 14 carat gold. So, I guess that why the bracelets are free. However, it seems that the gold plate should not have worn off so quickly so I have a replacement here for you. Can you provide Stephanie with a mailing address please and I will have the Shopping Specialist mail it to you straight away. I will say in their defense that Diamonds International have many happy customers from the cruise industry and their prices on diamonds are very competitive indeed……………unfortunately I have spent money in their stores on Heidi and could have used the cash to buy a piece of an Aston Martin. Please accept my apologies and I can truly understand your wife’s disappointment and hopefully the replacement bracelet will help. When we send you the new one I would like you to send me the old one so I can show the store who it has tarnished.

Look forward to hearing from you and look forward more so to seeing you on your Carnival Dream in December

Best wishes to you both

Jackie Says:
Hi John, Please reply
I might have forgot to mention in one of my comments that Stu and I are booked on the Dream Bloggers Cruise with you this November 15th. We were also on the Fantasy bloggers cruise in Feb. 2009. I guess what I was trying to say is that since Freedom 2007 with your Mount Holly and Bedtime Story we try and book only when you are on board. Either bloggers cruises or as the CD. We did return to the Freedom the next year 2008 and really missed you as the CD. Your sense of humor is unique and your daily blog has put a smile on my face through the last 6 months of difficult days.
I hope the fact that you do so much for many people will help comfort you while away from your beautiful wife and beautiful baby.
Counting the days till Nov.

John Says:
Hello Jackie
For some reason quite a few people seem to book their vacation based on which ship I am serving on and that never ceases to astonish me. I also hope that I can meet and exceed the expectations that people have in me each time they walk on board. I have great memories of our times together and I hope there will be many more times when we can share the laughter together. I read that the last six months have been difficult for you and if there is anything I can do please let me know. I also hope that the blog thingy brings you a wee diversion from the trials and tribulations of life.
My best wishes to you and your family

Bill (Zydecocruiser) from Asked:

John, Please reply…
How about a status report on the construction of Carnivals new terminal at Mahogany Bay in Roatan? Is it still going to open this summer??
Has there been any progress on the on again, off again one in Belize?

John Says:
Hello Bill
As always you are on the ball. Carnival is investing a lot in Roatan as they have done in places like Grand Turk and Cozumel. Mahogany Bay is currently under construction and in fact I was talking about this with Roger Blum and Captain D’Aita on Saturday. It is going to be a great facility and I will ask our VP of Development Giora Israel for an update on the completion date.
Hope you had fun in Alaska and congratulations again on the brillinat photographs.
My best to you and Elizabeth

Mike Asked:
I will be sailing on the Freedom on July 26, 09
Will you still be onboard?

John Says:
Hello Mike
Yes indeed I will be. Please make sure you and anyone who is sailing with me leaves a little note at the guest services thingy desk and I will be able to send you a little something.
See you soon mate

Bunnyette Asked:
I am taking my husband on the Carnival Liberty on November 7 to celebrate his birthday (60 years young) on November 8. Aside from booking the supper club, I would like to make his day really special. It is a day at sea…Will there be any tours of the bridge? I know he would be thrilled with this – I would even pay for it. He is not much of a spa man and I don’t think the Liberty will allow him to fly his model airplane off the deck. Anything else you can suggest would be greatly appreciated.
btw Heidi looks fantastic, looks like she has lost most of the baby weight. Kye is adorable.

John Says:
Hello Bunnyette
Let me start by saying a big thank you for the kind words about Kye who even if I say so myself is indeed adorable. I am sure you are looking forward to celebrating your husband’s 60th birthday…..did you know 60 is the new 40? Anyway, the bad news is that there will not be any bridge tours due to the various laws and regulations imposed on the industry and due to the world we now live in. The good news is that you are going to the supper club which will be a very special way of celebrating and if you can, one week before you sail, please send me your cabin number etc and I will send him a little something to say happy birthday. I promise you will have a fantastic time and you might want to think about having the cabin decorated as a surprise.
Best wishes to you both and don’t forget to remind me.

Michael Tomlinson Asked:
John, (Please reply if you would like)
As you have requested, here is my friends address. I am also including my address if you should need it…

By the way……There was one other thing I wanted to mention about our cruise on the Liberty from 5/30-6/6…..As you know there is a past guest party held for people who have sailed on Carnival before. On our cruise this party was held from 4:30-5:15 on the day we were in Grand Cayman. Since our excursion was a little late in getting us back to the ship, and since we had been swimming with the stingrays, we did not have enough time to get cleaned up to make it to the past guest party. We did notice that on the following night which was a sea day that there was nothing going on in the Venetian Palace lounge during the same time frame. It occurred to us that it would have been nicer if they held the past guest party on a sea day instead of a port day. Just a suggestion.
And this is my opinion on the dress code….My thoughts is that if there are rules in place then people should follow them. I like the current dress code….However, if someone was under-dressed I would not let that ruin my dinner….
I wanted to thank you once again for everything you do for Carnival’s guests to make us feel so special.
Mike Tomlinson

John Says:
Hello Mike
Thanks first of all for the address and I will send your friends the gift they never received. You have a good point about the past guest party. It is always difficult to find the right time to do this and sometimes when you have only one or two sea days it is even more difficult. I can tell you that the following night would have been a night where the big productions shows are performed thus the time frame of 5 pm onwards are used to set scenery and run rehearsals and sound checks etc. However, I have sent your comments to the hotel director of the ship and maybe reading them he will try and see if they can find a better time for the parties to take place.
Thank again and please let me know when your friends receive their gift……… would also be interesting to know what you thought of my remarks about dress codes yesterday
Best wishes

Joko Joan Asked:
John: (Please answer if you can but no hurry):
My question has to do with making phone calls. As I have never had any need to make phone calls out of the U.S., we do have an unusual situation for us this coming September.
We will be on the Sept. 12th sailing of the Glory and two daughters will be sailing on another ship. We will all be docked in St. Thomas on the same day. Can you advise us about making phone calls while there? I notice that the crew all run to the phones in port to make their calls. Should we purchase a phone card or an international one? I’m not sure yet if our cell phones have international calling.
Would you know if there is international phone cards that can be purchased. Thinking about it – St. Thomas is a holding of the U.S. Would I still need an “international” card??? Thanks for any help that you can give me.

John Says:
Hello Joko Joan
Today we are in St. Thomas along with the Carnival Liberty and Carnival Glory as you will be in September. Now, your phones will have service. Remember that St. Thomas is part of the United States and has no international dialing code…….you just dial a 1 and their area code which I think is 340. So, if you are dialing home from St. Thomas it is not considered an International call and therefore your usual rates will apply. The crew do use the “calling stations” that provide cheap international calling but I don’t think you will need to worry about this. I hope this helps and if you have a follow up question please let me know
Best wishes and hope you and your daughters have a brillinat fun ship vacation

Sean L. Asked:
I would appreciate your help with something that happened on my wife’s Mediterranean cruise earlier this month. Even though it was on Holland America’s Oosterdam I was hoping you could answer my question. When they were visiting Greece they were told they had to surrender their passports to the ship’s crew in order to avoid going through customs at each Greek port. This surprised my wife and her friend (both Canadian citizens) and they were very reluctant to do this but decided to follow the crew’s request. Is this normal practice for all cruise ships visiting Greece?
Thank you for your response.

John Says:
Hello Sean
I hope your wife had a great time on the Oosterdam. She is a beautiful ship and I am sure she enjoyed Holland America’s Signature of Excellence. Yes……this is indeed normal practice. The reason this happens is because in between sailing to the Greek ports I am sure your wife and her fellow passengers went to Istanbul or another Turkish port or maybe Dubrovnik, Croatia. The reason the passports are taken is that Turkey and Croatia are not part of the European Union and thus when you leave Greece which is part of the “EU” to go to Turkey and then return to a Greek port afterwards, passport presentation is required. The good thing is that passengers do not have to stand in line twice……..and it would be a very long line…….to produce their individual passports. Having them collected and stored securely means that the passengers can enjoy uninterrupted time ashore while the Immigration officials come on board and look at the passports.
I hope this helps.
Best wishes

Juan & Maria Santana Asked:
John, please reply
We are so sorry about the news of Robert’s passing. Our condolences go to Suzann and the family. We look at his picture and his face is very familiar to us. By any chance do you recall if they were on the Freedom sailing to the Caribbean from Miami last year on 3/8/08? That’s the cruise where we met you and we remember this gentleman volunteering on your shows and he definitely was, as you said, the most recognized person on the cruise! Anyway, if Robert was or not that person, he’ll be greatly missed.
The Santanas from Miami Beach

John Says:
Hello Juan and Maria
Thanks so very much for your kind words for Robert who was a great friend and a great supporter of Carnival Cruise Lines. You did in fact sail with him on the Carnival Freedom and as always Robert volunteered giving his all to make people laugh.
We will all miss him
Best wishes to you both

Leanne Brown Asked:
Dear John,
Hope you can reply,
First let me say congratulations to you and Heidi on the birth of the beautiful Kye and Happy first Father’s Day to you! How difficult it must be for you to be away from your gorgeous girls so soon. Reading the blog has brought us easily back in time even though ours are now 18 and 15. I was touched to read about the loss of Robert. I am writing today as a follow-up to an e-mail from April. I am sailing with my family on the Splendor on July 5th. I had mentioned that my 18 year old daughter is a dancer and dreams of working for Carnival in the future. You had kindly offered to put her contact with the dance captain on our cruise and she is really looking forward to it. Her yearend revue was last week-end and she was named dancer of the year by her dance school. You asked for a few days reminder before we cruise but I am contacting you now since I know you have so much going on. Thanks in advance. Her name is Chelsea Singer, and our family will be in staterooms 7280 and 7282, we were able to upgrade to a suite for next to nothing and we can’t wait to cruise with Carnival again, in only 14 days!! Is there any chance we will be treated to sail away music?
Thanks again,
Lianne Brown & Howard Singer

John Says:

Hello Lianne and Howard
It was indeed very difficult to be away from Kye on Father’s Day and it is difficult every minute I am away from her. But, I have a job to do and I will do it as .long as I am able to stand not being with her and Heidi. Thank you to for those kind words about Robert.
I will be more than glad to help Chelsea meet the dancers and I am sure she will be thrilled when she sees them perform. I have sent this to Goose and Claire on the ship and they will make sure that she has a wonderful time.
I hope you have a fantastic family vacation and please send me a review when you get home.
Best wishes to you all

That’s all for today…….there will be more questions answered tomorrow. Please keep your comments coming as each one is read by many of the top folks here at Carnival and therefore your words can and do make a difference.

As I said just now we are here in St. Thomas and it is hot……so hot……….in fact it is so hot I saw a squirrel holding it’s nuts with a pot holder……groan…… my friend Mrs. Bentley would say.

We are here with the Carnival Glory and Carnival Liberty…… the way, I think I am the only bugger who says the word Carnival in front of the ship names…….it drives me crazy when I hear CD’s and the crew shorten the names. Anyway…….I would love to have gone ashore and taken a photo of the three ships in port but I can’t……because I am an alien……and because I joined the ship in Miami and have not yet gone through US Immigration (which I will when the ship returns to Miami) I am not allowed by United States Customs and Border Patrol to go ashore in San Juan or St Thomas ……..what a load of bollocks………..sorry to vent.

Now, Todd will be taking a very exciting team of entertainment staff to your Carnival Dream and over the next few days I will be introducing you to them. Let’s start with ………….. Melissa.




1. Can you tell us all about yourself, where you are from, and where life’s journey has taken you so far.

I’m from a small town north of Toronto in Canada. My family has never traveled much, and none of them are quite sure where I caught my bug, but I’ve been poring over atlases for as long as I can remember. I went to school for Tourism, and knew I wanted a job that would allow me to see as much of the world as possible while working. Cruise ships were the option that most appealed to me, and shortly after I applied, I was hired as a SeaMiles Consultant. I signed on to the Carnival Miracle in April of 2006, a week after I had graduated. As soon as I arrived on the ship, the entertainment department intrigued me. I had no idea the position of Social Host (as we were called then) even existed, but as soon as I met these energetic, crazy people, I knew I wanted to be a part of it. I’ve always been a talker (as my family and friends would certainly tell you) and all through school and at every job I’ve ever had, I’ve gotten in trouble for talking too much – I couldn’t believe there was a job where this was not only encouraged, but a necessity! As soon as I completed my contract with SeaMiles, I was lucky enough to be hired into Entertainment and since then have done 4 contracts as a host. My last two contracts have been on the Carnival Freedom, this past summer in Europe. I still have no idea how I ended up there, but am thankful to those who made it happen for me.

2. Congratulations on being chosen to be part of the Carnival Dream start-up entertainment team. What are you most looking forward to?

I am so honoured to be chosen for the Dream, and can’t wait to get over there to see her. The part I am most looking forward to is seeing the ship come together. Knowing that I had even a small hand in getting her up and running is overwhelming. When I knew I was being considered as Entertainment Staff for the inaugural, the idea of starting up this department from scratch was so exciting, that I knew I definitely wanted to be a part. The sheer amount of logistics in cruise ships is something that I don’t fully understand, and probably never will, but I love the idea of getting some more insights into how everything works. There’s going to be some familiar faces and some new ones as well, and I know we’re going to have a fantastic team to bring to the guests on the Dream.

3. What is the best part of your job?

I have spoken with so many guests over the years who have stories to tell. Some who have never been on a proper vacation. Some who have suffered loss in their lives, and are cruising to get away. Some who are celebrating milestones. What makes my job worth it, each and every day, are the people who tell me that by what we do, made their vacation worthwhile. Hearing that I have made a difference to someone, even in a small way, like putting a smile on their face makes this job more valuable than some people know. Of course the free travel doesn’t hurt either!

4. What is your favourite activity to host and why?

I love having activities that are “mine”. On the Carnival Freedom I’ve taken the reins of Towel and Napkin Folding and have had a blast – to the point that I won’t let anyone else do it! I know that for a lot of guests, the nightly Towel Animals in their staterooms are a big highlight, and teaching them to create them on their own is something I’ve enjoyed greatly. I love hosting any activity to smaller groups of people where I can interact more closely, and everyone is more informal – some very interesting, and very funny things can happen when a group of people feel comfortable at an activity, and let their guards down!

5. If someone asked you why were chosen to be part of Todd’s start up team out of so many that applied, what would your answer be?

I’ve always been a “project” girl. For so many Entertainment Staff, the office, the paperwork, and the behind the scenes projects that go on is their least favourite part of the job. I’m the anomaly – that’s the stuff I love. I’m so lucky to have worked on the Carnival Freedom for the past year with Todd, and he knows that if there’s a project that needs to be done, give it to me, and I’ll actually enjoy it. I’m weird like that.

6. What’s your favourite Caribbean port and why?

I actually have a three way tie – they were all on different contracts, so it’s hard to pick ONE favourite:

St. Maarten on the Carnival Miracle – I love the “tropicalness” of it – I know that sounds obvious, but the feeling is there as soon as you step off the ship. The pier ITSELF is fun, which makes St. Maarten so great.

Calica on the Carnival Imagination – well not Calica (it’s a pile of rocks) but Playa del Carmen. I’m a big fan of 5th Avenue – the road that runs parallel to the beach with no cars, and all the shops and restaurants. It was a late port for us, so we got to have a nice dinner out and meander back to the ship.

Key West on the Carnival Freedom – I have just never, ever had a bad day in Key West. The ambiance is amazing; it’s so relaxed and chilled out. We went every other week, which was a perfect way to never get bored of it.

Close other favourites are San Juan, Puerto Vallarta and Half Moon Cay. And Grand Turk. And Cabo San Lucas. And Cozumel. Alrighty… next question.

7. And which of the European ports are most looking forward to?

Being lucky enough to do the Carnival Freedom’s 2008 European season, I’ve already been to all of the ports we’ll cover on the Dream. My favourites of those are Monaco (great scenery, great food, great everything), Dubrovnik (one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen) and Venice (it’s an OVERNIGHT – what’s not cool about that?). However, the ONE thing I didn’t get to do last summer was see Tuscany – I’m really excited that I will have another opportunity to do that. And I am also really looking forward to Bermuda on the Transatlantic, and the arrival into New York, both of which I have never done, but have heard are spectacular.

8. Let’s find out about you. Fill in the blanks:

What’s your favourite ship? The Carnival Miracle – it was my first ship as SeaMiles, and I did an Entertainment Staff contract there in 2007-2008. Both times I had a blast, and I think some ships are just like that for some people. For many it’s their first ship that stays close to their heart, and that’s the Miracle for me. Close second is the Carnival Freedom – I’ve now been here for 13 months (with a break in between!) and feel like I’ve grown personally and professionally in the time I’ve been here, mainly because of the fantastic people that have come and gone in the last two contracts.

What’s your favourite movie? I’m going to be really, really clichéd, and admit – it’s Dirty Dancing. I KNOW that everyone says that, but it really, really is. My mom bought it for me when I was 4, and didn’t understand a bit of the storyline (which is a good thing at 4) but loved the dancing and watched it over and over again. Even now, I put it on as a comfort movie – I know it so well that I don’t even need to pay attention to it; I just like having it in the background.

What’s your favourite show on board?
Hands down, The Big Easy. When I arrived on the Carnival Freedom and heard there was a show that was a tribute to New Orleans, I attended the first one with trepidation – another show has a New Orleans section, and it’s very slow, and I thought that’s what The Big Easy was going to be like. I was completely wrong – in my opinion it’s the most fabulous show I’ve seen on the fleet, and Carnival’s decision to put the show on more ships was a great one – everyone should see it.

What’s your Dream?
Even after all my worldly travels on Carnival, I’m still a small town girl at heart, and being away from home as much as we are is hard for me. My ultimate goal would be to figure out a way to combine doing the job I love here, but sticking closer to my roots. Unfortunately, I don’t live near water, but entertainment is now in my blood, which was a life turn that was completely unexpected for me. My Dream for myself is to be able to keep doing what I’m doing, and making people happy for as long as I can. My Dream for everyone else is to be able to enjoy their job as much as I do!

Congratulations Melissa and I know being part of a start up team will be very special indeed ……. enjoy every minute and be very proud!

I desperately want the microphone. I want it now! But I have five more days until I can do what I love to do the most……..entertain……..I also love to fart and in fact……………I just did.

Here are a few photos of me hosting the UK cruise convention, something I was very proud to do.



I need your help. Can anyone tell me what is the correct procedure to follow when you see someone wearing one of those stupid face masks? I say that because here on the Carnival Freedom this cruise there is a group of guests from Japan who are wearing them on Lido Deck, at dinner and at the shows. The obvious thing – to kick them hard on the shins and then explaining that their chances of being sucked into one of the cabin toilets far outweigh those of catching swine flu.

Or I could slip a pork chop in their pocket which will be discovered later sending them to buy another sack load of Tamiflu at the doctor’s. I understand that’s it’s a culture thing over there in the Far East but do they really need to wear them here on the ship.
Maybe, I am being rude. Maybe they have germs themselves and are making sure none of us get them. Anyway, despite all of this it is great news that next week and on my first cruise the Carnival Freedom will return to Cozumel after all this time…..and that is great news for everyone in Cozumel and of course for our guests

It was great to see Butch and he is doing so well as a CD as many of you have told me. I was also visited by Ryan the CD of the Carnival Glory and along with Todd it was nice to have a CD chat. But……..I was also made to feel very grumpy. Let me explain.
When Heidi finally reaches the start of middle age there are many ways for her to pretend that it isn’t happening. Breasts, ravaged by gravity and Kye, can be re-upholstered. Tummies distorted by pregnancy can be vacuumed away. And shops sell exotic creams made from crushed yak testicles that soothe wrinkles and cellulite.

But us men………we are doomed. And as I sat with Todd, Butch and Ryan…………..or The Back Street Boys as I call them……..I felt old and very ugly. But then I realized I was more a man than they were.

They are CD’s who wear “product” in their hair, whatever the hell that is. Men who put on sun cream. Men who have combs and hairdryers. Men who wash their bottoms after taking a poo. CD’s who wear fashion sandals. CD’s who go to the dentist when they don’t have toothache. CD’s who take vitamin tablets and as I learnt today……..they are all CD’s who do something called “manscaping”………and I can’t even bring myself to tell you what that is.

I looked at them today and realized I was old and different to my colleagues. I wear clothes so that people cannot see my genitals. I have a stomach like a Space Hopper because I like eating food. My hair is cut with scissors. My bathroom scales are broken. I haven’t combed my hair since I was 12 and if I did want to “Manscape”…………….I would need a lawn mower to do it.

Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.