Language Problems

August 5, 2009 -

John Heald

I had to apologize to an entire audience yesterday………because during the marriage show a lady swore………….badly. Let me explain. We should celebrate those who swear well. Great swearers in my humble opinion include Eddie Murphy, Ricky Gervais in the British version of the Office, Robert De Niro in ……well………everything and of course James Gandolfini in the Sopranos. But nobody does it like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers ……….shouting at his car, “Start you vicious bastard”…………brilliant.

Meanwhile, dreadful swearers include Gordon Ramsay …………84 f***s in one episode of Hell’s Kitchen……Scottish idiot. Also bad are Paris Hilton, Ozzy Osborne and anyone under 18.

This lady was not a good swearer although she summed up what was a very, very strange marriage show.
She wasn’t drunk, she was just a normal looking honeymooner in her mid-thirties I would guess. I asked her how long she had been married……..2 weeks…..where she was from …….Rochester, New York……and what she did for a living…….worked for Sears ……… Oh I said…….if I mention your name will I get discount…….”No,” she said ……….. “they’re motherf****rs.”

She said it with pure hatred in her voice and seemed to have no remorse about doing so ……. in fact she seemed quite proud about it. The audience didn’t know what to do……….I did ………I immediately apologized and told her that she should be ashamed. There was no funny comeback………nothing but a huge apology from me.
Why………..why would she say such a thing?

Apart from suggesting that the owners of this famous department store have carnal relations with their mothers, how sad was it that she decided to use such a despicable word in front of 500 people……….at 2:30 pm?

Of course, the F-word is one that many of us have used at least once or twice. If used too much it makes a bore of the user. If used sparingly and at precisely the right moment, it is unparalleled as a from-the-heart swear word.
As sports fans know, whether you are watching soccer, cricket, baseball or a referee making a terrible decision that denies the Miami Heat an obvious foul, it is one of our most versatile tools as we call him a f***wit, f***face etc.

I try never to swear but if I do I sometimes get “Ooh, is your vocabulary so limited that you haven’t the imagination to think up another word?”
That’s the point – there is no other word. Our swearwords are unique. And this is why in the right hands – hands such as John Cleese or Chris Rock…….. they are priceless.

However, this woman was neither and her outburst left me to apologize most profusely to everyone and obviously she did not get the microphone for the rest of her time on stage. I expected a barrage of complaints but bizarrely……….there have been none. That’s because either my apology was well worded and accepted……..or that most of the audience don’t speak English and didn’t understand a fu***** word I said.

However, that wasn’t the only incident at the show……..oh no. I had only been on stage for five minutes and was underway with my opening monologue when suddenly I heard a commotion from the center stage of the balcony. I looked up and saw that people were moving away…..rapidly…..and that there was a bit of a to-do. My first fear was that someone had been taken ill or collapsed but after a few seconds I saw that one chap and his wife was walking away gingerly and the way that other guests around him were moving quickly in the opposite direction I thought that someone had been sick…. the ship was moving a bit after all.

Anyway…..as I carried on I thought my suspicions were correct when I saw the housekeeping clean up team arrive.
After the show I returned to the cabin and read that I was mostly correct……I just got the wrong end.

From: FREEDOM HOUSEKEEPING
Sent: Tuesday, August 04, 2009 3:59 PM
To: FREEDOM HOUSEKEEPING MANAGER; FREEDOM GUEST SERVICES; FREEDOM HOTEL DIRECTOR; FREEDOM CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc: FREEDOM HOUSEKEEPING
Subject: Victoriana Lounge – Fecal accident


Good afternoon to all.

Please be advised, deck 4 middle part of Victoriana lounge sofas are closed for usage due to fecal accident during the Marriage game with John. Fecal accident is reported at 2.45pm, area is sanitized and sofas and carpet shampooed.

This area will remain closed till further notice
Thank you for your attention.

Regards,

Nemanja Skakavac
Asst.Hskp.Mgr.

Poor chap. I guess the guest had laughed so hard at something I said that he didn’t make it to the bathroom in time…………or the swimming pool.

Talking of the marriage show…..meet Tracy and Stephen Oliver. They have been married for three months. What’s great about this couple is how they met. They were trapped in an elevator in a building for five hours……they were married a month later…….Here is Stephen laughing after I suggested they probably have had some “ups and downs.”

IShow - Elevator Couple

One thing’s for sure…………it was an unforgettable marriage show……although the first five minutes …………….were crap.

Time for today’s questions…………………here we go.

Robin Asked:
John (please respond)–
I really appreciated the pictures of Bubba on the Ocean Raft Adventure trip, as we’ll be going on it in just three weeks (Spirit 8/19/09).

This will be our 10th anniversary cruise–and the first vacation for just the two of us (without kids, and without visiting family) in the 10 years since our honeymoon.
Do you have any suggestions on romantic/fun couple-y things to do for two second-honeymooners (who don’t drink!) on the Spirit? We already have the Supper Club (oops, Steakhouse) planned for the night of our anniversary (8/21). Also, what are the vegetarian options for the Steakhouse?
Thanks,
Robin

John Says:
Hello Robin
Glad you liked the rafting photos and please let me know what it was like after your Alaskan adventure next week. The vegetarian options for the steakhouse are a bit limited but what we do have I am assured by fellow vegetablists is superb. The appetizer is “Pumpkin and Feta Cheese Parfait” and the main course is “Mushroom Streudel.” Obviously you will enjoy all the side dishes which are meat and fish free and you must ……I mean you must……try the wasabi mash potatoes. The chocolate quartet dessert is also a vegetarian dish.

As for what to do that’s romantic. Well, apart from see all the shows make sure you make a whole night of your visit to the steak house. Have a drink before dinner…..I know you don’t drink but at least some sparkling water or something……then after dinner ………… hold hands and take a romantic walk around the open decks which at night, under the stars, is breathtaking.

I hope you have a brilliant time and may I wish you a very happy and romantic anniversary.
Best wishes to you both
John

Erik Valentine Asked:
John (please respond),
I’ve seen a few people mention it previously, and as a First-Time Cruiser (Conquest, 1/3/10) I’ll go ahead and ask…

What is the “infamous upgrade phone call”? *grin*

John Says:
Hello Erik
I know that many people have written about this elusive and mysterious phone call where the person on the other end says “Hello, this is Carnival…..would you like an upgrade?” Well, they do exist but are as rare as using the words pole dance and Judge Judy in the same sentence. That’s because much to the discomfort of our competitors we very rarely sail anything but full. However, when the opportunity arises certain people do get the call and get an upgrade. Although there is no official written law as to who gets this I can tell you that it is past guests who often are called first. Saying that though, there are many past guests reading this blog who have never had the call.

If you booked through a travel agent there is no harm in asking them to put a good word in for you with us before the cruise. I hope that between now and your Carnival Conquest cruise you will keep reading the blog and if there is anything I can do to make your first Fun ship experience even better………apart from an upgrade………..please let me know.
Best wishes to you and the family.
John

Jarrett Asked:
Dear John, (please reply)
my family and I recently sailed with you on the Carnival Freedom. It was an amazing vacation, and we won’t soon forget how great and funny of a cruise director you are. Since we have returned home we have been dreaming about our next Carnival cruise maybe next summer. By that time I will be 18 and have just graduated high school. Therefore, I will be too old to enjoy Club 02, which has been a great experience my last two Carnival cruises. I went back and looked at the capers for events for those that just graduated high school and are in college (18-20 year olds). I found that there was one event the whole week. This event was the third day and at 11 a.m. First of all, those in college don’t ever get up that early especially on vacation. Second of all, it took place after a good portion of the cruise was complete. And finally, it was only about 30 minutes. I repeat 30 MINUTES. I looked at your count of those on the current cruise, (departing on 7/26) and there were 197 between the ages of 18-20. That is more than each group at Camp Carnival and slightly less than those of Circle C and Club 02. With that said there is just not much on the Carnival ships for those folks in college. We might be old enough to go into the adult disco bar, but college kids don’t want to hang out at a place with adults that are the age of their parents. Does Carnival have any plans to try to appeal to this age group a little more than what they currently do? Surely, Carnival can do better than what they are currently doing to appeal to this age group.
Sincerely,
Jarrett M.

John Says:
Hello Jarrett
Thanks so much for the wonderful words mate and I am so glad that you and the family had such a great vacation here on the Carnival Freedom. As I have mentioned here on the blog before the 18 – 20 year olds are a difficult age bracket to entertain. We think of you as adults. You can go to the dance clubs and all the bars, you can go to the late night R rated comedy shows and every other area of the ship. I know you can’t drink yet but hopefully you will meet new friends in all the locations I just mentioned. We do an ice breaker on the first night, maybe you missed it. It’s called Fast Friends and is designed like a dating event strictly for your age group. This is held at 7:30 pm in between the dinner sittings. Now, take this cruise. We have 219 guests aged 18 – 20……..yet only 4 showed up……sometimes nobody comes at all. So, I guess my point is that while we won’t have a specific 18 – 20 year old lounge just for that age group it seems that you think we could do better. So………..how about I make you my 18 – 20 year old blog executive and empower you to come up with a few ideas on what you would like to see us do. Obviously we are not doing enough so who better to tell me what we need to do then you……….someone of that age.

I am excited to read your thoughts and I am very happy to hear that you had such a great time.
Hope to hear from you soon
Best wishes
John

Renee Lynch Asked:
Hi John,
Please respond
We just got off the 07/19 Victory sailing. There are a few comments and 1 suggestion I would like to leave for you.

I’ll start with the great:
Somehow our comment cards went missing, but I want to say that our waiter Zefrey was the best waiter we have ever had. We were sailing with our 3 boys ages 20, 18, and 11. Each one of them loved coming to dinner to see what magic tricks Zefrey had for them. I can’t remember his last name but we were table 160. He also made sure that my Happy Birthday song was sung as loud as possible, much to my embarrassment! Please make sure that he gets all the credit he deserves plus a big, fat raise lol!

Now the not so great:
I had already read that the ship pins were a thing of the past, but I was extremely disappointed that Carnival has done away with the ship picture on the last night of the cruise. We always look forward to getting these signed by our waiters and cabin steward and then framing them when we get home. My youngest especially loves to show these off to his friends. Please persuade Carnival to bring these back.

And lastly, one suggestion:
Publishing the menus for both the dining rooms and the buffet in the Capers or putting it on the television every day would have definitely made it easier to plan our days. The Southern Caribbean itinerary is very tiring with no days at sea, and knowing where I am going to eat dinner in advance would have helped in planning shore excursions, spa treatments, and playing in the “adult arcade” as we like to call it.

All in all, this was a great cruise and we can’t wait to do it again!

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to make everyone laugh,
The Lynch Family
Mark, Renee, Josh, Jordan, and Jacob

John Says:
Hello Renee
Welcome back from your Carnival Victory cruise. Zefrey sounds amazing and I will make sure that your words of praise about him are read not only by him but by the hotel director and maitre d……….Zefrey will be so proud.

There will be news on the pins soon I promise. The table placements have indeed disappeared some time ago. I know many people liked them but once again many, if not more discarded them completely. I know a lot of people have started making cruise scrap books instead and take photos of their favorite staff and have them sign them just like the old days. Maybe you could consider doing that as well and of course we have scrap booking classes onboard for you.

The menus on the TV……..mmmm………not a bad idea. There is no room in the Capers for them but on the TV………that’s an interesting idea. Would other bloggers find this useful?

I am so glad that the family had such a great time and I hope one day to meet you all so we can cruise and laugh together.
Best wishes to you all
John

Jack & Geri Asked:
Hello John (please reply)
We are sailing on the Freedom on August 29 and wondered if you can help us. Jack and I are celebrating our 51st Anniversary with our daughter and son-in-law. Would you kindly put in a good word for us to please have a table for 4 and if at all possible a window table for our special cruise? We have sailed on many Carnival cruises before but have never had a window table. We reserved two times for the fabulous Steakhouse that week as well through your Blog site.

Thank you for all you do. Compliments again on your beautiful family.
Your 4 sailing friends,
Jack & Geri (near platinum) and
daughter Sharon & JM (their 2nd cruise)

John Says:
Hello Jack and Geri
It looks like I will miss you by just a couple of weeks which is a shame. However, you will get to have Wee Jimmy as your cruise director…..here is the little Scottish ball of fun.

Pic of Man in Skirt

I will speak to my friend Manuel the maitre d and see what we can do for you. I am sure he will be able to give you a great table.

Have a wonderful cruise and I look forward to reading your review
Best wishes
John

Stacey Asked:
John (Please reply),
I also agree that Platinum status should be based on days spent at sea, not cruises AND should be based on cabin category. It honestly doesn’t make much sense to have someone who books 10-3 day cruises in inside cabins to be VIP before someone who books BL or OV cabins on 7+ day sailings.

I do have (*sheepish grin*) a few more questions for you. I’m the organizer of a group of about 45 of us (and counting!) and was wondering if it would be at ALL possible for me to arrange (prior to boarding) to have 15 minutes of a ship’s photographer’s time to take a quick and simple large group shot of us. I think I’ve heard it’s possible to arrange this after boarding, but with that many people, all going their separate directions, I think it’d be almost impossible to track everyone down and make sure they all get the message on when the picture will be taken.

My other question is this…my 81 year old grandma (who is the BEST, by the way) has recently been persuaded to join us on the cruise. She’s not a swimmer, and therefore won’t be joining us on some of our snorkeling trips, etc. I was wondering if you had any suggestions for excursions (or onboard activities) for her on our sailing. We’re on the Glory 11/29 sailing.

Thanks, John. As always, keep up the good work with the blog and your daily duties onboard and everything ELSE (I get tired just READING about your daily schedule).
Stacey

John Says:
Hello Stacey
Thanks for the comments on the Platinum benefits. One of the 344 Stephanies has collated everyone’s opinions and presented them to our marketing department. One thing is for sure, we will do whatever is needed to keep our Platinum rewards scheme the best at sea…………I promise.

I will be happy to arrange a group photo for you. Once you have a final number and idea of when you want this, please send me the details and I will arrange this forthwith and then you can let all your group know where and when to meet before the cruise starts.

How wonderful that your Grandma is sailing with you. She must see all the shows and activities and make sure you write a letter about her and give it to the Cruise Director so he can read it out at his morning show……..how proud she will be to hear how much her daughter loves her.

As for excursions…………..well a lot depends on what her walking abilities are. Please send me some more details and if you can tell me what ports you are interested in her doing something I will send you my recommendations.
Please remind me about the photos two weeks before you sail.
Best wishes to you all and thanks for the kind words
John

Stephen Smith Asked:
Please Respond
John,
I just read your response regarding comment cards. As a business owner my criteria for success has always been one thing and one thing only. How likely is it the client will continue to do business with my company? With that said may I suggest the following questioning format?

Based on the entertainment how likely are you to cruise on Carnival again?

Based on the quality and presentation of food how likely are you likely to cruise on Carnival again?

Obviously the question would be repeated for each department. You could use a numeric scale of one to ten or the verbiage such a “likely” , “most likely” , ” definitely” or in a worst case scenario “when hell freezes over” . I would also suggest that after each question a space for comments so further feedback can be offered.

I agree with you. The whole “expectation” thing is obsolete and subjective based on, as you said, what their expectations were in the first place.

If a customer is willing to be a repeat spender or cruiser in this case, you know you are doing things right. I welcome your thoughts.
Stephen Smith

John Says:
Hello Stephen
For me, you hit the nail right on the head and your opinion is one that is shared by many at Carnival……..I just have to try and influence the right ones to change the cards. This would…..as is the law in corporate America ….require 238 meetings before someone makes a decision. However, maybe we can change this a bit quicker because as you said ……..and in my humble opinion as well……the “exceeded your expectations” thing is obsolete. Nothing is more important than making sure that the first thought our guests have as they walk off the gangway is “Wow, that was so much fun, I can’t wait to come home to Carnival and do it again.”

I wish you much success with your business and thanks so much for the brilliant posting.
Best wishes
John

Dorothy Asked:
John,
Please reply
Who would you classified as a friend? I have my hubby, 2 sons, one daughter-in-law and one granddaughter, but can’t think of anyone else that I can call a friend. I have a sister that I cruise with once or twice a year, I don’t call her a friend, she my sister. You really got me thinking about who would I call friend, I can only think of 2 people and they live far away from me and we really don’t keep in touch very much. I don’t go visit anyone, my life is mostly taken up by my oldest son who is totally dependent on me for his everyday needs. I don’t leave him with anyone, they are all scared that he will have a seizure, or they will have to change his diaper. I cruise with him, but no excursions, he can’t leave his wheelchair, so we do a little shopping and then back to ship, he gets tired very easy and will start crying because he is hurting. We are taking the cruise on the Carnival Dream the week of December 12th, had to cancel the one you will be on because we did not think he would be able to handle a 9 day cruise. I’m hoping that we will be able to enjoy this one; the last couple of cruises have been so-so. I have offered family members a free cruise if they would help me with my son, I want to spend a little time with hubby which we don’t get very often, but everyone turns me down, so I don’t have any friends there. I’m a loner, no one to call friend except for my immediate family. I’m blessed that I have a very special young man in my life and that I gotten the chance to be his mother, I would not change it for nothing in this world. I know what I will do, I will call you FRIEND, and at least I will have one friend. Thanks friend, I needed that.

John Says:
Hello Dorothy
A true friend is they say hard to find and here on the Carnival Freedom while I know many, many people I seem to have no true friends who I have anything in common with or who don’t treat me as though I am some big shot……because I am not……I am big ……. but not a big shot. It seems that you deserve so much credit for the love you give each and every day to your son who depends on you so very much. We all salute you for being such a wonderful person.

I wonder………hey………..BIG ED…….can we induct Dorothy into your group? You have many who have become lifelong friends through the blog and your Evil Krewe so….. how about you and the guys having a chat with Dorothy and inviting her over ….. thanks mate.
Dorothy. I can’t imagine how strenuous it must be to cruise with someone who needs so much attention yet you seem to have so much love in your heart that it is for you …… second nature. Please have a good think and if you can think of anything …… anything at all that I can do to make your Carnival Dream cruise easier and more relaxing please, please let me know.
Until then I remain your friend now and always
John

Betty Asked:
John please reply
Hello John
I have been reading your blog for over a year and really enjoy it but this is the first time I have sent in a comment. I will be on the Carnival Legend 9 Aug 09 sailing with my 3 daughters ages 14 7 and 7. Yes they are twins 🙂 . This is their first cruise and I chose this trip because I had such a great time on the Legend last year. Is it possible to see if Ryan from Jamaica is still a waiter, if so is it possible to sit in his section? We are cabin 6291, booking # 16G8J1 with early dining. I enjoyed Malcom on the Victory and Trevor on the Fascination and the captain on the Fascination in May was wonderful, saw him several times and he was very entertaining. I hope to sail with you sometime in the future. Best wishes to you and your beautiful family. Also my thanks for the service Carnival shows members of the military. I have traveled 3 times with groups from the military and have 3 more trips scheduled.

John Says:
Hello Betty
Thanks so much for writing your first ever comment. I am honored that you took the time to do so. I have sent a request to the maitre d on the Carnival Legend and if Ryan is still there I will ask him to seat you at his table. Your cruise director this time will be Jen Baxter and I know you will find her energy and fun outlook on life so infectious. Please let me know all about your cruise when you get home and have a wonderful time
Best wishes
John

Host Mach from Cruise Critic Asked:
John, please respond…
“They had eaten that night in the steak house and had laughed so hard at the welcome aboard show. They loved their state room steward and apart from the fact that they thought the ship decor was a little “over the top” ….they both said that they were having a brilliant time and value for money……..this could not be beaten.

So, there I sat with two Rolex-wearing professionals who probably would never had considered Carnival as a vacation choice. But because like so many people they woke up one morning and realized they also wanted value for money……..they gave us a try …….and as they both said “we will be back”…………brilliant.”

It’s more than just value for the money, John. Cindy, who’s review you posted yesterday, said that her family save over $7000 on their Splendor cruise over RCCL… impressive, indeed but not nearly as impressive as her comments regarding the food and service. Those comments got to the meat of the matter… Carnival is just better… end of story.

I love the daily photos of the Carnival Dream. We can see her coming together before our eyes! Wonderful.

Earlier today I emailed you about a ridiculous rumor that’s reared its ugly head on Cruise Critic… again… The claim is that Carnival is going to buy or merge with RCCL. I really appreciate you giving me the truth of this matter. Could you please address that for us here and put this nonsense to bed once and for all??
Thanks so much, my friend!!!
Ciao!!!
Host Mach

John Says:
Hello Host Mach
Before I get started let me say thanks for all the support you give to the blog. Thanks mate.

I actually wrote about this yesterday in the same sentence as me confirming that the rumor thread thingy stating that I would become President after Gerry Cahill left to become a professional surfer……..was in fact……….total bollocks. The last time someone was as wrong as the man who started this ridiculous thread, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany.
As for Carnival Corporation buying RCI…………..well let me just say this.

There is more chance of Carnival Corporation using a photo of me in my underpants as there new advertising campaign with the slogan………Fun For all and All For Fun…………. Written on the crotch (in very small writing)…………… than Carnival buying RCI.

There is more chance of finding the Carnival Board of Directors climbing a wall on the Shopping Mall of the Seas ……naked……..then Carnival Corporation buying RCI.
To Carnival Corporation buying RCI must have the appeal of kissing a camel with gingivitis.

But we do know one thing. Carnival gives the best value for money cruise vacations in the world. And that’s not a rumor………….it’s a fact.

Hope that clarifies that rumor as nonsense and as always mate I would appreciate it if you would post accordingly.
Best to you and Stitch and all the Cruise Critic readers
John

That’s all for now. Stephanie N told me today that I am now about 70 questions behind and so I do ask for a huge dollop of patience from anyone who is waiting for an answer. I will continue to catch up as quickly as I can.

Talking about well ………I refuse to mention their name ………again……….but I thought you might like to pop over and read a great column by our friend and expert cruise thingy writer Anita Dunham Potter………I think you may find this very interesting.

Here is the link thingy.

Commentary: Royal Champions walk the plank

Great article Anita and even though they have canned the Royal Champions thingy …… a wise man told me………..that they will have a new trick up their sleeve soon.

Time for today’s photos of your Carnival Dream which our friend Boris took this morning concentrating on Deck 9 aft pool area….by the way…….and before you ask …… the little stand thing on picture one is where the dock yard workers are allowed to smoke under…………here we go.

Lido aft 01

Lido aft 02

Lido aft 03

Lido aft 04

Lido aft 05

Wonderful photos Boris and tomorrow we will have a look at the work ongoing in the Lido Deck restaurant………….have you booked your Carnival Dream yet?

Now let’s talk about Michael.

Guest: Mrs.———Ref: 840009097A
Cabin: ____ Booking#: ________ Added-Changed: 08/04/09 – 08/04/09


UPSET AT COMEDIANS JOKES
Guest approached the Guest Services Desk and said how unhappy she was at the comedians joke about Michael Jackson. Guest claimed that the comedian should not be making references to him in shows. Mrs_____demanded that she receive an apology from comedian or the Captain.
CD informed and will talk to guest.

So, let me explain the circumstances here. There was one joke about MJ and it was said by an African American comedian in a midnight R-rated show. I will be calling her to apologize later today but it seems strange that in a show that included jokes and observations on rumpy pumpy, getting old, all the bodily functions and political humor as well — all totally 100% uncensored………she was upset about one Michael Jackson joke. I won’t repeat it here but I can say that it was pretty mild.

Back to the Marriage Show. One of the questions I always ask newlywed couples is “how did you meet” and you would be shocked just how many of the twenty something couples I talk too met on the Internet.

Old-fashioned dating has been replaced it seems by some speeded-up version of romance, where relationships are as changeable as Facebook status updates or Twitter thingies.

Take a couple I had today on stage with me. They both met on match.com and they amazingly had all their own teeth and were reasonably good looking…….I am joking of course. But why did two young and attractive people need the internet to meet each other……..how the heck did we all meet our loved ones…………how did we ever manage?

Technology has also more or less killed the language of love stone dead. Love letters and cheeky cards that Alan and I used to pin under girls wind shield wipers have been replaced with A text message that reads “I think U R Gr8″………and that’s sad.

I realize that yesterday I might have been a tad rude in the blog yesterday when I wrote about the lady sitting next to me at the captain’s table. I referred to her as Mrs. Botox because she had ………ummmm…….large lips. I saw her again today …….and they looked even bigger…….she looked as if she has taken a right hook in the face from Mike Tyson.

Call it what you like, but when historians record what women of the early 21st century they will note that it was a time when perfectly good-looking women decided that oversized lips were the key to attracting us men and getting some rumpy pumpy ………….. yep……….the Donald Duck look drives me crazy……….how about you?

Talking of women…….while I am writing this blog thingy today there is an item on CNN that has me sitting here…….in my underpants…….mouth wide open. A woman……….with a beard………is talking about men becoming redundant now that the stuff that makes babies (I am too shy to write sperm) has been manufactured in a lab. This chills me to the bone and shakes me to the core. The idea of a world without blokes is …….. ummmm …. bollocks. Men can be a lot of things – warmongers, heartbreakers; incapable of putting the toilet seat down …… they at least won’t spend almost a year of their lives deciding what to wear.

This is why women don’t rule the world…… they are too busy worrying about what outfit they should be wearing. And it is why we will always need sensible, sane men…… sitting at a computer at 7:40am………..blogging…………in their underpants………and besides …….. you need someone to tell you whether your arse looks big in that.

Goodnight
Your friend
John

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

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