No Left Turn

August 24, 2009 -

John Heald

So here I am sitting on the third row of the economy section of American Airlines flight 57 to London Heathrow…………and I am bored………..and so ………I thought I would get the raspberry out and do a little blog………….oh hold on………Mrs. Whiplash the flight attendant has told me that unless I put my pants on I will be arrested upon arrival. I tried to tell her that I can only blog in my underpants but she doesn’t seem to understand.

Next to me is a young man in his twenties who has had his eye pod thingy on since take off and has said bugger all. He is a spotty Brit and has the conversational abilities of a washing machine ………not that his clothes have seen one of those for a while. He smells musty and unclean and I could grow potatoes on his neck considering all that dirt that is lodged behind his ears.

Obviously when he sat down next to me based on the smell and the way he looked I said, “bonjour” ………..but embarrassingly he said “allo” in an unmistakable British accent ………… and what’s even more embarrassing is the fact that he now thinks I’m French !…….sacra bleur dans le bugger

A few rows ahead of me is of course the business class section and I have decided that more than babies on a plane……more than snakes on a plane………the most annoying thing on a plane ……are business people.

I mean…. Just because you are in business class and have a laptop with spreadsheets on, doesn’t make you better than everyone else. It is unlikely you paid for your own seat and if you did, that was a waste of money. Sip your champagne more humbly. Feel compassion, not smugness, toward us cattle class scum who turn right when we board…… you bastards. Don’t get to smug because if you do I may be tempted to walk past your extra wide seat and fart…..crop dusting the business class section is something my economy class arse is more than capable of.

When you look at yourself in the mirror, you see a winner. An international jet-setter. A tiger. You may even growl sexily. But you are not Pee Diddly or Usher but a toilet brush salesman who has saved up for twenty three years of air miles to get this upgrade.

Also, please don’t abuse the cabin crew because they’ve been a bit slow bringing your fourth class of Chateau La Woo Hoo. It puts them in a bad mood, which they take out on the rest of us by spilling our first Diet Coke all over our laps.

If you’re not in business class, congratulations on not squandering your company’s cash — but accept the lack of curtain. Accept that the parent with the screaming baby is doing everything he or almost certainly she can.

Accept that the spreadsheet may have to wait. If you are a business lady or businessman, priority boarding doesn’t give you the right to elbow everyone else out of the way and look at us as you do as though we have no more right to live on God’s earth than a dung beetle ……or the French.

Oh yes….. For the love of God ……keep your bloody seat belt fastened until the plane has come to a complete standstill. Jumping up, grabbing your oversized hand luggage and racing for the exit while we’re still taxiing is not only dangerous, it’s annoying. We all know you don’t have an important meeting to go to. We saw it on your spreadsheet.

Anyway time to watch a movie….or count the number of Zits on the kids face next to me.

Bugger ……seen all these movies.

1 … 2 ……3…….4…….

Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.