Dream Full of Laughter

August 26, 2009 -

John Heald

I don’t have many friends in the United States or on board and only a few here in the UK. Twenty three years of traveling and an arse that smells like rotten ostrich eggs have meant that friends have come and gone. However the friends I do have…….Alan, Danny, The Bentleys, Roger, Chris etc all have one thing in common……..if they want to contact me they never ……….ever……….use the phone.

My phone never rings. It just sits there, sadly, willing someone, anyone, somewhere, anywhere, to dial its number and let it play its irritating ringtone…….the theme from the Sopranos which considering that bloody annoying Nokia thing “bada da da da bada da da da” isn’t that bad I guess.

Anyway, whatever my ringtone is, it is rarely heard. My cell phone will ring about once a week, if that and it is usually Heidi or someone from a call center in India trying to sell me insurance, a new credit card or a bigger penis.

Obviously there is little reason to answer in either case, given that they only want to shout at me, sell me things I don’t need (OK, maybe the later of the offers from India is one I should consider) or ask me to do things I really don’t want to do, such as go to IKEA.

People don’t phone me anymore not because I am deeply unpopular – though that may play an ever-so-small part. Mostly, people never phone because they are too busy using their cell phones to text or tweet me…….. phones have essentially become elaborate mobile messaging systems that also play music and take pictures and, I am told, double up as spirit levels (there is an EYE Phone app for that).

Nobody really emails any more, either. I am afraid that email, like the letter, has become terribly old-fashioned; the only ones I receive nowadays tell me that someone has sent me a message on Facespace.

You used to get up in the morning, go to the mail box in your underpants and see what mail is there. This then changed and the art of writing a letter became as rare as soap on a rope in France or Judge Judy being voted People magazine’s most desirable woman of the year. So the written word and the underpants trip to the mail box disappeared and this was replaced by waking up in the morning, walking to your computer……..in your underpants………to open your in box to see who had e-mailed you and to check the price of Viagra and that would be that.

But now I am forced to open my inbox, Twitter, Facebook, the blog and the new instant chat system that my mate Danny now corresponds to me on……. which means I never again have to use my voice to speak to anyone at all……oh and the next person who sends me one of those bloody smiley emoticon thingies I think I may just go slightly mad.

I finally realized that I have been suffering from message fatigue when the Sopranos theme tune blasted out across my kitchen the other night and I looked on the little screen and saw it was not Mr. Patel from the Indian penis factory calling me, but a friend. I answered it tentatively, because if a friend calls you it is obviously to tell you that something has gone terribly wrong. But no. Turns out, they just wanted a chat.

By and large, families do not sit down and eat meals together any more. They do not play board games such as Monopoly together. The kids spend their time on their laptops upstairs as Mum and Dad ponder what is going on in the lives of their children.

I fear that the phone will one day become extinct, and then, shortly after it, the human voice. I know the blog thingy is all about internet based communication but today……..Wednesday August 26, 2009 I encourage you all to pick up the phone or knock on a friends door and say hello…. as an old British Telecom commercial here in the UK used to say…….”It’s good to talk. ”

Let’s get on with today’s questions………….here we go.

Geri & Jack Asked:
Hi Stephanie or John – IMPORTANT
I wrote to John awhile back (maybe I missed the post) to please ask the Maitre’d if my daughter and her husband Sharon & JMLessard (Anniversary) and our 51sr Anniversary (Jack & Geri Scott) could possibly, please have a table for 4 (window – again if possible please) on the FREEDOM sailing next week on the 29 Aug for 8 day Western Caribbean. Thank you if this is possible.
Geri & Jack Scott
(Sharon’s 2nd cruise with Carnival)
Ours’ soon to be platinum.

John Says:
Hello Geri and Jack
I did reply yesterday and once again sorry for the late reply, I am now about five days behind with the answering of comments marked for my reply. Anyway, as you will have read by now I have asked the maitre’ d’s to assist with your request. Have a wonderful anniversary cruise
Best wishes

Rhonda Friedman Asked:
Hello John,
My husband and I sailed on the Freedom with you the week of July 4th (the Dick Little cruise). We had a wonderful time, you are absolutely hilarious! While on that cruise, we went ahead and booked a cruise on the Dream on July 3, 2010!

We sailed on our 12th Carnival cruise on July 27th, on the Destiny, cabin#****. We met up with much disappointment with our cabin on that cruise and have mailed a letter to customer service and were very disheartened by their reply. The problems were as follows: there was a constant offensive odor in the room, the bathroom door would not completely close, the drawers were broken, the window curtain was in disarray, the telephone and remote controls did not work, and there were ants in our cabin! Although Guest Services did try to resolve our problems, we feel that we wasted too much of our precious vacation time trying to find resolutions to our multiple problems. (We only found out that the phone did not work when Guest Services left a note asking us to contact them because they tried repeatedly to reach us by phone. Some more wasted time for us, having to go back to visit the Guest Services Desk again!)

The response from Carnival’s Guest Care representative was extremely insensitive. They basically told us that their records show that the on board staff completed all repairs successfully, and they apologize and could not give us any compensation for this matter.

John, the point of my letter to Carnival was to express that as Concierge Club members, we did not expect to waste any of our cruise vacation time running back and forth to Guest Services to request repair after repair! Fine, they resolved most of the problems, but we should never have had to deal with repair issues on a Carnival cruise!

Don’t you think we deserve anything for all of our wasted time? We’re not asking for a refund, but a little onboard credit on a future cruise would have been a very nice solution.

Please let me know who you think I should contact on this matter.

Thank you and we hope to see you on the Dream!

John Says:
Hello Rhonda
I am so glad you had such a brilliant time with me and the crew of the Carnival Freedom a few weeks ago and I was also disappointed to read of the obvious concerns that you had on the Carnival Destiny. I am also very sorry that you thought the response from our headquarters was less than sympathetic, especially when as a Platinum member you were writing as much to let us know what happened rather than to expect or demand any kind of compensation. I know it is difficult to make a letter like that feel personal rather than “corporate” and maybe we need to look at our replies. However, it seems that you do have legitimate concerns and therefore I am going to address this with a vice president and ask that someone contacts you and re-addresses your concerns. Please let me know how that goes and I want to thank you again for taking the time to let me know and thank you also for your loyalty to Carnival.
Best wishes

Cruzin1025 Asked:
Please reply
I’m fairly new to this blog thingy, but would like to thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to share with your adventures at sea. It’s just amazing some of the things you have to deal with! I bet you count the minutes until you can get home to that wonderful, beautiful baby girl of yours!

I am a Carnival Platinum cruiser, but will be doing something new this October. We’re booked on our first Back to Back cruise aboard the Carnival Destiny. I am so excited to have one of the larger ships doing the 4/5/5 day itineraries. We’ve sailed the Carnival Imagination 5 times when she did that route and always said we should someday book two in a row and make one long cruise. Well, we’re finally doing it, and since it’s a Destiny class ship, we were able to get a balcony! With that said, I’ve got a couple questions about the B2B that I hope you could please answer.

I’ve read all the info on how we don’t have to pack up our stuff between cruises (have same cabin booked) and that we’ll have to do a quick customs/immigrations check in before getting our new Sail & Sign cards. Once we’ve done that, what will be available to us? I know the crew will be busy turning around the ship, so we don’t want to be in their way. Will we be allowed back into our cabin? Are any of the bars open? What about the pools/hot tubs? Also, I’d kind of like to do a load of laundry – those things that require a little more special care and can’t be sent in the Platinum laundry bag – but I’ve heard that sometimes the laundry rooms are locked in port. Will they be open in Miami?

One other possibly odd question. We’ve got three of us who will be doing the first leg of the B2B, and 6 more joining us on the second leg, including two newbies. Do you think the room steward will let us in their cabin to leave them some little gifts? The newbies are just a couple doors down from us, so I’m hoping we’ll have the same room steward.
Thanks for your time. Can’t wait to read more of your adventures

John Says:
Hello Tracy
Welcome to the blog thingy and I hope you stick around and read as often as you can. Back to back cruises are wonderful and give you a unique opportunity to go on two different itineraries ……on the same ship. On debarkation day at the end of your first cruise you will have to pop outside and take care of a quick immigration check, have your photo taken again for the coming voyage before being free to leave the ship to shop and or tour Miami (remember we have a brilliant selection of Miami and Everglades excursions) or just coming straight back to the ship. You can indeed go back to your cabin and your stateroom steward will most likely clean your cabin first to allow you to relax in there if you so desire. The bars are all closed until 11:30am again to allow for cleaning and stores to take place. The hot tubs and pools are open though and so are indeed the guest laundries so those….ummmm……..articles that need special care can be taken care of. Of course you can place the gifts in the cabins, just ask the stateroom steward and he or she will make sure that the surprises are ready for when your friends arrive.

Usually the stateroom stewards remain in the same sections so I am pretty sure you will have the same one for both cruises which will be great of course.

It will be interesting for you to see the ship without guests and if you can take a walk around the vessel and see the amazing operation that goes on between disembarking 2,600 plus guests and embarking 2,600 plus new ones………we truly do have an extraordinary crew. Have a wonderful 2 cruises and if you can think of anything else I can do for you please let me know.
Best wishes

Karen Schmier Asked:
John (please reply)
Today for the umpteenth time I spoke to a 70 something about an Alaskan cruise and I, of course, told her about the Carnival Spirit. The response I got was “oh no dear, that’s a party ship”. Will you please get someone in advertising to do a spot showing “older” people having the time of their life on a Carnival ship. You would make my life (and others) as a travel agent so much easier. Kye gets prettier every day.

John Says:
Hello Karen
What a very interesting comment that is and one I have heard a few times before in the past but less and less these days. However, it does seem that we can do a better job because if someone who is 70 years thinks that the Carnival Spirit is a “party ship” and thus not suitable for them …….well maybe we need to look at doing what you say and putting older people in one of our commercial spots. Hold on a minute though……..I wonder what she means by party? Does she still picture the Carnival of years ago with the beer drinking contest and the wet T-shirt competition ……I miss that one by the way. You know, Carnival carries more retired people than any other cruise line and I wonder at 70 what your clients expect to find. OK, there will be young people on board, children and teens and many middle aged couples with or without families and certainly the ship should not be linked just to elasticized-waist pants and sandals worn with long black socks.

I have seen many active 70 plus guests involved in all of our activities and events and loving the care and attention given by our attentive staff. They love the food, marvel at the shows and if party means having a martini and a dance to the sounds of the Beatles or some nice and easy tunes then yes……..the Carnival Spirit is indeed a party ship.

So, I agree , we should show some people of that age having fun……and by that I don’t mean making a jigsaw or playing shufflebollocks……..we need to show them dancing, eating, enjoying the shows and experiencing everything a fun ship has to offer ……….to every age. Thanks then Karen…..you have empowered me to launch myself into this project and I will take your words of advice and add my thoughts as well, put it all together and send it up the Carnival line.

Thanks again for the great idea and thank you also for the beautiful words about Kye
Best wishes

Randy Smith Asked:
Hey John (Please Reply)!
I know I have asked this question before, but I never received an answer. I’d really like to know if this rumor is true or not before we get too excited about the possibility of it being a fact.

We are booked on the Holiday for November 2, 2009. This is the Holiday’s last voyage as a Carnival Fun Ship, and there is a rumor going around in Cruise Talk that you may be joining us on this cruise as Cruise Director.

Although my wife, Diane, and I are Concierge Club Cruisers, we have never enjoyed the pleasure of cruising with you as our Cruise Director in the past. Should we get our hopes up that we’ll indeed be sailing with you as our CD on the Holiday, or should we just dismiss this rumor? Thanks!
Randy Smith

John Says:
Hello Randy
Thanks for taking the time to write and a big hello to everyone on cruisetalk.com. I can tell you that I am not going to be the CD on the last ever voyage of the Carnival Holiday however…….I am trying to plan to be there for two nights to say goodbye to my first ever Carnival ship. If I do I will ask Tory the CD to allow me to perform something on stage or host a bloggers get together. I will confirm all of this very soon.

Thanks as always and my best wishes to you and all the readers at cruisetalk.

Juan & Maria Santana Asked:
John, please reply….
The question will follow this comment:

Sorry to tell you this… but the fellow blogger who just told you that you cheated on us because the Dream pictures shown 8/14 already been shown on 8/13 is right! Those are the Venetian Carnival masks and they are absolutely beautiful….But like he said, you are forgiven because this Friday’s picture of Kye wearing a beautiful white dress & a big smile is a winner!

We wrote you a few days ago asking for you to reply but since we haven’t seen an answer yet, here it goes again… As we told you earlier, we are once again booked on the Freedom on an 8-night cruise sailing from Ft. Lauderdale Nov. 21. On the Cruise Directors’ schedule shown on the right hand column of your blogs, it shows that Ralph Valente will be the CD but in one of your blogs you said that “Weeee Jimmy” was the one. Please clarify: Is Ralph Valente & Weeee Jimmy one and the same? You mentioned that he is a ball of fun and we really would be looking forward to meet him! Thanks.

Please give Heidi & Kye hugs & kisses for us when you see them…. we hope that this will be real soon!
We hope that you have a nice trip home. Regards.
The Santanas of Miami Beach

John Says:
Hello Juan and Maria
Heidi loved the dress and can’t wait for Kye to wear it and when she does we will send you a photo………..thanks again for your wonderful kindness.

Sorry to you and Bill Z, I did re-send the same photos and for no other reason that I am a bit thick sometimes if not all the time. I hope you like today’s photos of your Carnival Dream.

Sorry again, this time for the length of time it is taking me to reply to all the questions and yes Wee Jimmy and Ralph Valente are one in the same and he will indeed be your CD for your November cruise. Wee Jimmy is Ralph’s stage name and I am actually going to be talking about him in a moment. He is a true joy and you will love his cheeky grin and wicked sense of humor.

Thanks again and I wish I could be with you in November
Best wishes to you both

Zannett Asked:
John (please reply),
First, I have to say the picture of Kye is simply beautiful. I am hoping she and Heidi will join us on the 12/3 sailing.
I was wondering if there was a chance of getting a list of the movies on the Lido deck for the week when we board. We really wanted to do this one night on the Freedom, but we missed the only one we actually wanted to see.

John Says:
Hello Zannett
I will be happy to do this for you and please can you remind me 2 weeks before you sail and I will post the current list. Watching a movie under the stars is something you really must do and I will let you know which movies you can choose from.
Best wishes

David & Lucy Asked:
John, question at bottom of page…..
John, my wife and I really enjoy your blog and as another reader said, it is addicting. We especially enjoy reading the passenger ages and quantities when you start a new cruise.

I must admit I do agree with Gary when he spoke of all the people writing to ask you to arrange for tables and room gifts etc. I know there are certain situations when help is really needed for arrangements but most can be left until the ship is boarded. I imagine many Maitre d’s like you for “prearranging” seating as this lessens his line on sailing day. Call me old fashioned but I won’t bug you unless it’s REALLY important. Besides, learning the “cruising ropes” on how to fix and arrange your own particular dilemmas is all part of the cruising experience.
In reference to the ship pins, our next cruise on the Carnival Dream on Oct 3rd will be our 20th Carnival cruise. We have EVERY pin we have been given and finding them waiting on our beds with the previous cruiser invitation is part of our cruising ritual. I’m sorry for the non platinum guests that must now purchase them, but you know about Jack and pulling up the ladder!

I have a question for you that I have asked many times to many different staff members in all sorts of positions and most have given the same answer.

In your opinion what is the worst job to have on the ship?
Oh, and by the way, you have the patience of a saint putting up with the things you do from some passengers. You have so much restraint you are entitled to lose it on occasion.

John Says:
Hello David and Lucy
I know that me helping various people with table assignments causes mixed emotion…..rather like finding out you have won a free cruise………but finding out its on a ship that has been chartered by the French Over 70’s Nudist Association……….that’s mixed emotion.

My concern is that saying no punishes those I really want to help, those with specific needs or those who truly need my help.

The pin thing also touched a few nerves and I can understand that as well. I look at it this way. Before the comments started arriving here on the blog about how unpopular the decision was to stop them, that was that………there were no suggestions or thoughts to even consider returning them. However, thanks to a constant bombardment from me and because the VP whose decision it was to remove them knows I have a photo of him in a bar in Amsterdam called The Banana Bar……I got them brought back. The first step in getting them back for everyone……… because I know they mean so much to many people.

What is the worst job on the ship? I could say the guys who work in our garbage rooms……or the guys and girls who work throughout the wee small hours of the morning cleaning up our mess before we all wake up again……..but in my humble opinion the hardest job onboard is still the captain. Yes, he has the biggest cabin, a phone in his bathroom and the attention of women who want a photo taken with him……..but……..he also has the total and utter responsibility of 3,000 guests, 1200 crew and a $600 million cruise ship.

Oh hold on……no…….actually the worst job on the ship is the cabin steward assigned to looking after me and having to pick my underpants off the bathroom floor………now that’s a shitty job.
Best wishes

Cindy56 Asked:
I am having a disagreement with my sister and a friend about Grand Cayman. They both say that there isn’t a pier because the water is too shallow for ships to dock there. But I could swear that you have mentioned in past blogs that the Grand Cayman government won’t build a pier there because of the cost or some other reason. Could you please clear this up for me and prove to them that I’m right and they are wrong? Thank you. The only other port I’ve ever gone to with Carnival that was tendered was Belize and I believe that is because the water is too shallow.

I think you handled the situation with those two “idiots” the right way. Too bad they had to spoil your last week on the Freedom.

Kye is absolutely adorable and I bet you can’t wait to get home to her and Heidi this week. Have a safe trip home and I look forward to hearing from you when you get back to England.
Cindy 🙂

John Says:
Hello Cindy
Well, I am sorry that I have caused you two sisters to argue and I hope we haven’t reached the food-throwing stage before I have time to stop someone being seriously injured by an overripe plum. I really don’t know the answer why to be honest but the real shame is that so often people come away from a day on Grand Cayman remembering the pain in the bottom that getting ashore and returning back to the ship was rather than the amazing beaches and incomparable snorkeling the island has

Thanks again for the kind words for Kye – it is great to be home with both my girls.
Best wishes and give your sister a hug.

And that’s all for today. There will be more questions answered tomorrow of course. I once again apologize for the delay it is taking me to get to them and please therefore bare with me wont you?

OK, time for today’s Carnival Dream features and let’s start with a press release written by mate Vance and one that will be guaranteed to make you laugh.

Comedy Club Concept to Debut on New 130,000-ton Carnival Dream

This is so great on so many levels. The comedians we will have perform these shows are some of our very best and will include favorites such as Al Ernst, Happy Cole, Percy Crews and many , many more. It also gives you the guest so much more choice meaning you can now decide what show you want to see…….a production or variety show……or a standup comic. Choice……..I love it. I also love laughter and let’s face it laughter, more than love, makes the world go round and it oils the wheels of family life.

You have only to see Kye laugh as I do my silly voices to realize just how important laughter is in our relationship. Laughter is then so important and at your Carnival Dream Comedy Club ……..laughter is confirmed……..6 times a night.

Talking of your Carnival Dream let’s start looking at some of the staterooms. Now remember ……….the cabins are not furnished yet but thanks to Boris we can take a peek inside starting with the now very famous cove balcony cabins.

Cove Balcony 1

Cove Balcony 2

Cove Balcony 3

Cove Balcony 4

Cove Balcony 5

Cove Balcony 6

Remember these cabins are on deck 2 and give you the most amazing feeling of being close to the ocean more than ever. I wonder how long it will be before we have to reprimand a guest for fishing and hauling in a grouper or two.

Tomorrow we will feature the family cabins with the much anticipated two bathrooms.

Now, a little later after this blog thingy has been posted you will find a bonus photo blog of twenty or so photos taken by Boris today……….Wednesday ………that shows the latest work being carried out on your Carnival Dream……have you booked yet?

I hope you enjoyed the photo and Q & A with Big Sexy yesterday and here is another one of our CD’s who like me is celebrating being a Dad for the first ever time………..it’s Jeff Broooooooooonnnnnsssssooooooonnnnnnnnnn.


PR 10 08 p a Joker_

1. Please tell us about yourself and your journey to the Cruise Director chair.

I used to be a DJ playing in various clubs and running a mobile business. I applied to Carnival and was hired as a Social Host. From there I was promoted to Assistant Cruise Director and then to Cruise Director. I joined Carnival 12 years ago and have been a CD for 6 years now.

2. What ship are you currently serving on.

Carnival Paradise.

3. Before we talk about you lets talk about the ship. What are you favorite areas of the vessel and what is it that makes your ship the best in the Carnival fleet.

I enjoy the Promenade Deck and the Main Lounge the most. There is always something going on when visiting Promenade Deck and it is a great place to meet people. The main lounge is also a great place to meet others and play with the guests on a large scale. The Carnival Paradise is the best ship in the fleet because it is an absolutely beautiful vessel. It is the 8th of 8 in the series of the Fantasy Class vessels and is one of the most successful designs in ship building. Plus, the energy of the crowds that visit here is outstanding. Everyone really is here to have a great time and it shows.

4. Can you tell us about your itinerary and please pick your favorite shore excursion from each port and tell us why you like it so much.

We do 3 and 4 day itineraries here, visiting Catalina Island off the coast of California and Ensenada in the country of Mexico. For Catalina, I enjoy the Inside Adventure Tour. It is the best way to see the most of island as it takes you to all the normal stuff and then to the interior of the island, giving you a perspective that only a few get to see. There is an airport on the top of a mountain and it is in the middle of nowhere. You truly get away from it all. For Ensenada, I enjoyed the Wine Country Tour. You get to see a beautiful valley and tour two magnificent wineries. At the tail end of each, you get to enjoy some “happiness” with the many free samples. I don’t drink really, but do enjoy a nice red wine once in a while. They have excellent ones there to sample and I find after the tour, everything is right in the world. Ahhh!

5. If someone were to ask you ” what does a Carnival Cruise Director do ” how would you reply.

As your Cruise Director, I get to bring you the important information that affects us here on the vessel and also bring you the fun, that is a completely different show every night, in some cases more than one show, a whole bunch of fun events and activities and lots of great diverse types of music.

6. What is your most favorite part of the job.

Meeting and playing with the guests. When the guests are having fun, so am I.

7. If we were to sail on a ship where you are the CD what would be the must not miss activity or show that you host .

I would hope that everything would be attended, but if I were to pick the one thing, I would say the Debark Talk. It is one of my favorite events to host and I think it is because it is relaxed, a bit like a comedy show as well as passing on important info, and it is a moment where we all get together and reflect on the truly blessed lives that we have.

8. What is the hardest and or most challenging part of the job of Carnival CD.

Not sure. Being organized is very helpful for this job. If you’re not organized, things can get pretty tough when trying to keep up with everything going on. I always feel like I’m stepping into the middle of a tornado and you do what you can to make sense of it all.

9. If you could sail on any other cruise ship ( not Carnival ) what ship would you like to sail on as a guest and why.

From the movies, I’d want to sail on that one from The Fifth Element because it goes into space and you could see the planet from there. For reality here on Earth, I’d like to visit a Seabourn ship because of the itineraries and the ships. I understand they are beautiful.

10. Finally – please fill in the blanks

Johnny Depp

Jessica Alba

John Mayer, The Corrs, Craig David, Nickelback, Santana, Janet Jackson, New Order, Pearl Jam, Dixie Chicks, Rascal Flatts, MercyMe, Steven Curtis Chapman, Mr. Mister, Brenda Russell, and about 7GB of more stuff from the 80’s until 2009. Also, about ten movies, some photos and the video game Bejeweled 2.

I have about 21 favorites in all. The Count of Monte Cristo is one at the top of that list.

My friends.

That’s a tough call. I’ve met so many good ones along the way. Steve Knisley, because he always has some sort of fancy toy or gadget that wows me and he makes me laugh.

Be very nosy. I’d go to places I’m not supposed to be and listen in.

Thanks Jeff and congratulations to you and your wife and I hope like me…..you smell of baby poo.

I also hope you are enjoying these looks at the CD’s and there will be more interviews soon.

I am not a standup comedian and I could never be. I watch my friends like Al, Happy and many of the other Carnival comedians and I am envious that they can do what they can do. I try and make people laugh by spontaneity and by finding the fun in everyone and making sure the first person I make fun of is I. Humor in its many forms is not for everyone. For example I received a comment sent directly to my e-mail yesterday stating that the reader felt I wasn’t funny…… just sick.

I discussed this with Stephanie and after some discussion we decided not to post it as it was a personal attack on me and written by someone who …..well……..has become infamous recently on the blog thingy. I decided not to post it because I knew it would be welcomed with a return barrage of defense from you my wonderful friends and I don’t want the blog to become all angry and stuff.

Anyway, back to the comedy club………these days of course you have to be so careful. If you’ve got a joke about men and women being different, everyone’s comfortable laughing at that sort of stuff. If you’ve got something about politics or people with one leg missing it had better be funny. Because you think “why did you bring that up?” if it isn’t a brilliant one-liner……this happened to me many years ago. It was on the Sensation back in 1994. I was doing a marriage show and I had a honeymoon couple on stage……….they were a very New York Italian American couple.

Anyway…..to cut a long story short I asked them what kind of music they had at their wedding as I wanted the groom to sing to his new bride. They told me that they had a calypso band as the both loved Caribbean music……….and as a young 26 year old CD and without a care in the world….and putting Italians and Calypso together I took the song ” Dayo …. Dayaayoo ….. daylight come and me wanna go home.”…………..and turned it into ….”Oh, Italians with calypso music….what were they singing “Daygo Day a a go…” and while many including the honeymooners laughed………..many didn’t and some of the many told me after the show what they thought of me. And they had every right to……….it wasn’t funny.

I now always try and remind myself that the audience is my friends. So if you tell jokes that are off-color, then those should be the same kind of jokes you would tell to your friends. If you credit the audience with intelligence, they will reward you.

I was talking to a comedian on the Carnival Freedom just recently about this. He told me it’s a strange time at the moment. He can make fun of Jews, Catholics, Protestants, Buddhists and the Amish, that’s no problem. But if he says the word “Muslim,” people are frightened……the room falls apart. You can talk about well, anything, but the word Muslim? No. And he showed me a comment card that the CD of the Carnival Glory had given him stating that this guest……a non- Muslim……had complained about a joke he had made. I won’t mention the joke here but I can tell you it’s pretty harmless……no really it is……and is definitely current.

Now I do think that the Comedy Club early shows should be family friendly and all of our comedians must adhere to the strict guidelines we give them. However ………….it does amaze me that people go to our late night shows and comment that they found something offensive.

Just my opinion….. If it says comedy show in the Carnival Capers and then features a big capital R meaning adults only, I think that really is a get-out-of-jail-free card. For all our comedians …… their comedy is uncensored……….and more importantly………it means…….. It’s just a joke ……… yep……………it’s just a joke.

And talking of jokes and in rather an unusual way to finish today’s blog…….here are four of my favorites:

An old couple is sitting in church. During the service the wife whispers: “I’ve just done a silent fart, what shall I do?” Hubby says: “Put a new battery in your hearing aid!”

I answered a knock at the door to find a huge cockroach standing there. He punched me in the face and told me I was a fat unfunny cruise director……. Apparently there’s a nasty bug going round

Q: What’s E.T. short for?
A: He’s got really little legs

Heidi stood naked in front of the bedroom mirror.
She said: “Look at me. My boobs are sagging, my stomach’s fat my bum is huge. Can you compliment me on something?”

I said: “There’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

Your friends
John, Heidi and Kye

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.