Anytime Blog

September 30, 2009 -

John Heald

You Tube is full, mostly, of young men falling off their skateboards and setting their farts on fire. But in addition to this you can log on if you wish to see a teaser of the new series of 24.

This means the producers of 24 have gone to all the trouble of making a show, and paying the actors, and getting all those phones to go “beep beep eeoooh” and then finding that no television company in the world is all that bothered about screening it, because everyone’s seen it already on the web. And all though I am no Jack Bauer……it seems that there is an ever growing menu of videos featuring me.
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A Web Of Fear

September 29, 2009 -

John Heald

I had not time to unpack before writing yesterday’s blog…….but after doing so you probably heard me scream ‘BUGGER’…………..let me explain.

As you know I hate to fly…..not just the bit in the plane but the aftermath……….the baggage reclaim hall. This isn’t because I don’t like crowds or trolleys or people in flip-flops and shorts ………….No, I’m scared my bags won’t turn up.
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A New Leg End

September 28, 2009 -

John Heald

Surprisingly my British Airways flight to Tampa was remarkable only by the fact that bugger all happened. We took off, spent nine hours in a metal tube breathing in each other’s farts.

However after landing and with me panicking that I would have nothing to write about…….until I reached United States Immigration.
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Peter The Great

September 25, 2009 -

John Heald

I know you were not expecting a blog today but I wanted to post this message from the President of Cunard and our man in London…………Peter Shanks.

It is quite amazing that such an important and influential man like this should take the time between running the world’s most historic and famous Ocean Liner company and enjoying his daily serving of spotted dick and custard ………………to write to us.
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A Blog Full Of Holes

September 23, 2009 -

John Heald

Later on in this blog I am going to be asking you for a big favor in requesting for your permission in taking Thursday and Friday off and spending time with Heidi and Kye before flying off to the Carnival Legend on Saturday morning…………….more of that later.
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Your Carnival Dream

September 22, 2009 -

John Heald

I hate roller coasters, rides of any kind and would rather have Captain Hook give me a rectal examination than go down the water slides on your Carnival Dream. However, I made a promise to you …………so I did.
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Tease

September 21, 2009 -

John Heald

Well, my Dream is over for now but there are many more memories to share with you which I will do tomorrow complete with extraordinary photos and my usual musings.
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Dream Machine…A Smokin’…Dream Machine

September 19, 2009 -

John Heald

Obviously I miss Heidi more and more each time I am away from her. I miss hearing Kye gurgle and occasionally fart. However, as I lay in my bed in my cabin here on your Carnival Dream with my legs spread wider than Paris Hilton’s on anyway that ends in a “Y” …….I started to think how things change when it comes to sleeping with your partner.

I am positive that in every relationship whether its a man and a woman…………and because I have to be politically correct here on the blog thingy…………a man with a man………a woman with a woman……or for my readers from France……….a man with …….well…………..anything …………. when the immense pleasure and exuberance of sleeping intertwined amongst the limbs of your sexy lover……………. buggers off for ever.
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Hello everyone

As I mentioned a few days ago the next couple of blogs are going to be a bit different as I am running around like Usain Bolt with a cattle prod shoved up his bottom. Today was a great day though as Captain Carlo Queirolo took the ship away from the side of the pier and finally, after much hard and passionate work by thousands of men and women…….your Carnival Dream set sail. Onboard are 1,300 crew along with some Fincantieri personnel, Carnival executives and a fat bloke called John.
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PA 007 – Has Some Breaking News For Y'All

September 17, 2009 -

John Heald

Yes, I was on Ryan Air yesterday…….yes……….that means I am about to turn into a grumpy old man. And that’s because I have something which goes right onto my list of worse things in the world. It’s worse than constipation, than call centers, than people who talk loudly in restaurants. It’s worse than passengers who ask the Captain “who’s driving the ship?” and nearly as bad as waking up every morning to discover that you are French……….It’s Ryan Air’s priority boarding.
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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.