Dream By Night

September 11, 2009 -

John Heald

You may have read in yesterdays Q and A section of the blog thingy that a blogger was asking about Skype and its availability on the ships. As I mentioned it is not normally available due to something called “bandwidth” people with beards tell me that reception is more up and down than Paris Hilton’s knickers.

And that’s a shame because it would be just perfect for me if Heidi and I could talk via video phone and I could look at Kye and Kye could look at me going “fluba luba poo poo nicky nacky noo noo” ………….yes……….I now speak fluent baby.

Skype though is brilliant and Heidi and her Mum use it all the time to chat which makes me happy because…………….it costs bugger all.

I would dearly have loved to have been in the bank manager’s office when the inventors strolled in and asked for a loan to get their idea off the ground.

“Yes. Our idea is that you download a program from the internet, which costs customers nothing, and then they can make completely free video phone calls to anywhere in the entire world. How brilliant is that?!!!”

Right. So it doesn’t cost anything to buy. And the calls cost nothing either. I bet the bank manager exploded from laughing so much.

But I bet he’s not laughing now because Skype was sold to eBay in 2005, netting the inventors $8.2 million. I still don’t understand how it makes money but I do know it’s brilliant.

I have it on my computer now – under a false name – and sometimes, just for the hell of it, I ring up people in Paris just to laugh at them for living in Paris…….I hold my nose and say “Bonjour Madame Stinky”…………and hang up…………..brilliant.

And here’s the really good bit. You can have a conference call. This means you could have a dinner party, for all your closest friends. And not bother cooking anything. Or even inviting them.

The only drawback is the video bit. The idea that you can see the person you’re talking to.

This worked fine on Mission Impossible but when you are being watched, it is very difficult to lie. On a normal phone, it’s very easy to say you are working hard. You only need to get your voice right. But when you have to get your face right as well, that’s tricky. Especially when the caller can see that, actually, you are sitting at your lap top dancer computer in your underpants ……………I suppose the only good thing about video calling is Skype rumpy pumpy!

I am very surprised that Carnival has not adopted Skype to Skype calls yet. You know, every Carnival executive I speak to tells me that they have 300 e-mails in their in box thingies and if they are not e-mailing each other they are in meetings. Using Skype would mean they wouldn’t have to leave their desks, talk to each other answer emails and do so…in their underpants because nobody would ever know.

There is no getting away from the fact that the calls, Skype to Skype at least, cost nothing and if the people with beards could get this to work on the ships………….it would be absolutely brilliant.

Time for today’s Q and A………………away we go.

JAS1178 Asked:
John (PLEASE REPLY)
I just wanted to personally thank you for helping me with a pretty bad situation from our last cruise.

Carnival responded, and resolved the issue.
Thank you again for being willing to help. We are looking forward to seeing you on the Carnival Legend in just a few short weeks. It will be an honour (spelt correct) to meet you personally on our favorite ship in the fleet.

Speaking of Legend. So many of us LOVE the Spirit Class Ships. We are hearing that Costa has improved on the Spirit Class Design with the NEW Costa Luminosa. My question is will the folks with beards that read this blog see the light, and introduce an update to the hugely popular SPIRIT CLASS? Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to a Carnival Dream or Carnival Magic cruise, but would LOVE to see Mr. Farcus have his way with this new class for a CARNIVAL Ship. Am I just dreaming?

By the way, Kye is getting cuter as the days go by. My 7th month old son enjoys reading your blog, just for the Kye pictures…so keep them up! 🙂

Please don’t let complainers ruin the wonderful thing you have created here on this blog. Thanks again from a lurker…from the beginning.

John Says:
Hello JAS1178
I can tell you that I am truly looking forward to seeing the Carnival Legend. It has been 7 years since I was onboard her or any Spirit class ship for that matter. It’s understandable why you and so many other people think that this class is the best we ever produced. Certainly, having seen the Costa Luminosa for myself I can confirm that Costa did a spectacular job with her and Joe Farcus’s interior designs were simply epic. Will Carnival Corporation ever order another Spirit class ship for Carnival Cruise Lines……well the answer is I don’t know. But never say never ……………….certainly not in this industry.

The future was a little murky what with us all munching on credit crunch for breakfast every morning. But it looks like there is now light on the horizon and that means that the possibilities of what you may say at Carnival Cruise Lines are endless. I am glad I could help resolve your situation and thanks for all the words of support and there will be more photos of Kye later today.

Best wishes to you and your family
John

Mike and Janette Asked:
Hi John,
PLEASE REPLY
We are leaving in 4 hours to get on the Carnival Inspiration here in Tampa. I was wondering if you would be able to get my wife and me a table for two, at a window, with a waiter who will remember our names, make sure the captain comes by to say hello, have a bottle of champagne ready for us since we had to stand in line for 10 minutes to get onboard. Thanks. Oh by the way it’s my wife’s birthday so could you arrange for some free gifts, decorations and food in the cabin? I know it’s only a five day cruise, but could you make sure that the sun is always shining and that there be no tropical storms or I swear I will raise holy heck at the guest service desk. Please make sure there are no kids running around. They should be in school, shouldn’t they? I would appreciate the comedians having a politically correct show with no foul language regardless of the time, and for the dancers please make sure their bottoms are covered. We have been married now for almost 7 years so I was hoping that you might be able to arrange for us to be on the Newlywed Game Show. I need a ship on a stick and a pin for a souvenir. Well that should do it. I thank you.
JUST KIDDING except for we really are getting on a cruise in 4 hours. BON VOYAGE.
See ya in December on the Carnival Dream
Mike & Janette

John Says:
Hello Mike and Janette

By the time you read this you will probably be back home which shows how desperately behind I am with my blog answers. I would have done all you asked by the way plus moved the ship to the left. I hope you had a great time and the next time you sail please let me know and this time I will try and do at least one or two things to make your cruise even more special.

Best wishes to you both and hope you had the best cruise vacation ever.
John

Susan Asked:
Hi John (PLEASE REPLY)
Susan from the West Midlands here. It has been a while since I sent a comment but I still enjoy reading your blog. Welcome back to England – thanks for bringing the remnants of Hurricane Bill with you earlier this week. Hopefully all the rain is now gone and we will have a good Bank Holiday Weekend.

I noticed all the comments recently on your blog about the Carnival Pins. I have collected a few of these over the years but am more interested in collecting the pictures that are given out by the waiters on the last night of dinner. I have a collection of 10 different pictures now. (I think I have all but two ships I have sailed on) I have them displayed at home and it is great to look at each different picture and remember all the different Carnival cruises I have taken. One waiter also suggested laminating the pictures and using them as place mats. It makes an interesting talking point at dinner parties. Does Carnival still give these out?

I am off on the Grand Princess next weekend sailing from Southampton to Rome. Initially we had planned to do this route on the Carnival Freedom before she was pulled from Europe but like you are keeping my fingers crossed that Carnival return to Europe soon.
Love to Heidi and Kye
Susan

John Says:
Hello Susan

I am so glad you still read the blog and sorry for the rain I brought home with me. At least the rain was followed by sunshine and it made me miss air conditioning that I take for granted when I am on a ship and in North America. The place settings we used to give out were very popular and as you will see from the word “used” you will see that this is something we no longer do. I am not sure as to why we stopped doing this but I am sure it was a cost effective decision but maybe not a popular one. I did manage to get the pins back for the Platinum guests and have them available for everyone else for purchase from the onboard shops……..which is a step in the right direction. I am sure you are going to have a brilliant time on the Grand Princess. I love that class of ship and of course I am a huge fan of the Princess brand. Please give the Cruise Director my kind regards and like you, I truly hope that Carnival will return to Europe in 2011.

Best wishes to you and the family
John

Wanda Asked:
John, please respond:
Horrible dream last night! This week we booked the Legend for Oct. 11. When we boarded we found that you were not there. Horrors! Please, don’t tell me that the schedule can change. You took a picture with my cousin and me in Dallas, Texas when the big beach ball commercial was being filmed. We treasure it. We’re booked on two Holland America cruises now, but we just can’t stay away from Carnival! This Legend cruise will make me Platinum.

John Says:
Hello Wanda
The fact that you are dreaming about me means that you need immediate medical help, maybe therapy or hypnosis. Meanwhile I can assure you that I have no plans to change my schedule and I will therefore see you on the Carnival Legend in October where the dream……………..will become a nightmare………..especially if you see me in my underpants.
See you on your Platinum cruise
Best wishes
John

Lisa Asked:
HI!
John, can you respond please?
OOOHH!!!
Loving the pictures above of the lounge with all of the Remington artwork and sculptures! Where is the lounge located and what is it called?
Thanks!
Lisa

John Says:
Hello Lisa

The lounge you are referring to will be located on the port side of deck 4 forward just outside the forward dining room. It will be used for pre dinner drinks and possibly after dinner cigars ………. we are waiting to have that confirmed. Best wishes and let me know if you have any other questions
John

April Z Asked:
Hi John! (Please reply),
My Great-Grandmother sailed the Holiday in 1987, it was her favorite vacation of all time. She still talks about how much fun she had with her sisters on the ship. In fact, one of the few personal items she took from her apartment to her nursing home was the golden ship on a stick, which she proudly displays on a shelf near her bed.
We are sailing on the Holiday in October and I would love to be able to get one of my own to take back and show her the Holiday ship on a stick from 2009. Can you tell me if this is possible? I know that generally the ship on a stick comes from winning a contest, but the odds of winning are low. Can you purchase them?
Thank you so much, you are such a good man to all your readers!
April Z.

John Says:
Hello April

Bloody hell I am so old. Your Great Grandmother sailed on the Carnival Holiday the same year I started with Carnival. I could have been there with her as a bar waiter bringing her a pina colada ……. even though she probably asked for a martini……….because I really was a dreadful bar waiter. April, it would be an honour to send her another trophy so please make sure you send me an immediate reply marked for my response and include the sailing date, name and cabin number please and one will be sent to your state room.

Please send your Great Grandmother my warmest regards.
Best wishes
John

Shawn Asked:
John (Please Reply)
Hello, this is my first time posting! I just completed a four day cruise aboard the second best rated ship the Imagination (my first cruise)! I traveled with a friend and had a fantastic time. We got to the ship very early, around 1030a and check-in was a breeze, we were onboard by around 1130a. The ship was in great shape for its age and crew was very friendly, always saying hello. Once to our room we met our wonderful room steward, Rommy/ Rommie, I forgot the correct spelling. She was so great! But wouldn’t that make her a room stewardess? Every evening we had a towel animal greeting us. I am very glad I got a photo with her. Is there anyway I could send her a copy and a nice letter? I know every crew member is away from home for months, I would like to make her smile.

Karl with a K was our cruise director and was a blast along with Assistant director George with his wild white framed glasses. The food was great; I will be working it off for some time. Entertainment was amazing, I enjoyed every minute of it. All in all I had a great time and am looking at the Destiny for January.

A couple questions. I noticed on the top deck of the Imagination atrium that there are private cabins with large windows. Our those the captain and cruise director rooms? They look very nice and homey.

I was trilled to see the Holiday in Mexico, where will this ship be heading after its last cruise?
Thanks so much!

ps- I am not a drinker or a party guy (weird, I am 21 yrs old) and I can say to those who say it, Carnival has Fun Ships, not Party Ships. I never say one drunk person acting out. Bugger off HugeArsh of the Seas!
Partyer

John Says:
Shawn
What wonderful words and the ones that jump of the page are when you wrote “Carnival has Fun Ships, not party ships.”……….brilliant and believe it or not we are still fighting to prove this fact to some in the travel industry……….but it’s a fight we are definitely winning.

I was glad to hear that the crew treated you so well and your comments for Rommie were just fantastic. I will be sending your comments to the Hotel Director and asking him to send you an e- mail with the ship’s address so that Rommie can indeed receive the photo and the letter of commendation you wrote can be placed on her employee file.

The cabins you refer to are on Deck 9 forward of the Fantasy class and are indeed ones belonging to the Captain and Senior Officers. Heidi and I got engaged on that ship in that cabin and as for the desk……..well……….let’s just say that it must be made of oak………very strong oak.

The Carnival Holiday will be leaving us in a few weeks time and will be heading to our sister company Iberocruises to join another recently departed Carnival ship the Celebration. So, one quick question for you. You said that the Carnival Imagination was the number two rated ship. What is the first? Just curious.

I am so glad you had fun and hope you will join us for another Carnival fun cruise very soon.
Best wishes
John

SemperFi Asked:
John, (please reply when you have the time)
Hello…sorry I have been away so long but I had a few medical issues however I am now all better and back to 100%.

I was spending the day catching up on all the Blogs that I missed and found my self getting a little aggravated, so I decided that while you have to be politically correct I DONT
Was good to see ya back on the Carnival Freedom and back doing what you are the best at…being a cruise director.

While your roll as Brand ambassador is important you primary roll as a cruise director is even more important not only in my eyes but also the eyes of a whole lot of folks who have had the pleasure to sail with you.
What aggravated me was some of the negative comments that I have been reading as of late.

While I certainly do believe in freedom of speech, to use that freedom to be vindictive or intentionally hurtful to some one, especially one who bends over backward to help anyone who asks, is what has me aggravated.

These folks are just plain mean and hurtful. Here you are away from your family doing a super job making sure that other families have a great vacation while they sit back on their fat rumps and fire off spiteful notes is disgusting to me and I for one won’t stand by while one of my friends is being attacked, and do nothing.

while I understand that by writing this I may just be doing what they want, I feel that it needs to be said at least to you so you will remember that there are by far a lot more of use that appreciate what you do each day then of the hurtful IDIOTS.

John, I am sorry but these narrow minded Bastards just get my blood boiling, and I know that you are too nice of a person to say it but if they don’t like what you say in the blog then they can’t use your term” “BUGGER OFF” or to use my term would cause you or Stephanie to have to censor me, but my question to them would be …do the letters KMA mean anything to you at all????

You just remember that there are literally 50,000 folks who enjoy what you do each and every week plus the 3000 or so who get to partake of your musings live when they are sailing with you.

Enough said on that topic and I feel better now.
On the topic of Heidi and Kye I was just looking at the pictures of Dad and Daughter and you can see the pride all over your face. (Thank God she took after Heidi and won’t grow up being and ugly sod like her dad)
Can’t wait to actually see you on the crossing of the Carnival Dream. Cindy and I have come up with some Brilliant ideas that we want to run by you to drive poor Todd Crazy for the 16 days lol (i hope he dont read this lol)

In any case my friend, Please continue to do what you do as there are a lot of us who turn to the blog daily to brighten our days.
Your Friend and Cohort in crime
Bill
Its not necessary to publish this if you decide not to I just want you to know how I feel.

John Says:
Hello Bill
Please allow me to start by saying I hope you are feeling better following your medical concerns. I wish you nothing but wonderful health for the future. How wonderful of you to take the time to write and support me. I must be honest that there were a couple of days when I did get very down on myself when it was suggested that I was making people angry by helping them with table assignments etc. I guess I couldn’t understand why ……….and still can’t. Still, as you said, there are many thousands of people who appreciate what I do and providing I am asked in a reasonably courteous manner, I have no problem trying to do what they ask of me.

And when I read posts like yours and so many others I know the early mornings and late nights me and my underpants endure are not in vain.

Please stay well and welcome back to the blog thingy SemperFi.
John

Karen Kutter Asked:
John please reply

I am back from a sensational cruise on the Sensation. The food, shows and service were great and Wayan our waiter was the best we have had on all our cruises.

I do have two questions. Has there been any thought of putting the Supper Clubs on the Fantasy class, I really missed this feature on the Sensation. Also, as we were leaving our cabin we saw ship security emptying a passenger’s suitcase and removing some towels and other items which bizarrely looked like toilet paper and a remote control for the TV. Is this usual?

Keep up the great work
Karen

John Says:
Hello Karen

Great to hear you had such a wonderful time on the Carnival Sensation. I am sure many would appreciate the addition of a steakhouse (the new branded name for the supper clubs) on the Fantasy class but unfortunately space does not allow it. Did you try the Mongolian Wok by the way, I simply love that? Wayan will see your words of praise and I am sure he will be thrilled to do so.

Now, as to the guest taking the towels………..well, let me do some research and I will answer that part of your question late on in today’s blog.

Welcome home and best wishes to all.
John

Juan & Maria Santana Asked:
John, please reply…
Juan’s still waiting for a reply to the one he sent you about 3 wks. Ago, but it seems that either it got lost on cyber space…. it never showed up under “Comments” so we believe that your “Stephanies” never got it, or it may still be stuck somewhere! He was saying, among other things, how irreverent & funny you are & that you should be CD on more Carnival cruises instead of doing “Miami Office work” so you could justify the $1 Million salary Carnival pays you! Ho, Ho, Ho! How do you like that! Juan has a lot of nerve! I already told him that a couple of days ago you already said that the 2010 CD schedule would be ready the coming weeks. Hurrah!!!

Well, now here is my question: About a week or so ago you were replying to us re Weee Jimmy being the CD on our Nov.21/09 Freedom cruise…. then you said that in a moment you were going to talk to us more about him…. We kept watching the blogs for it but you never said anything else about him, although you have been showing pictures & information about different CD’s. Is he coming up soon on that very same list? He sounds like lot of fun and we are looking forward to meet him.

A reminder: What’s happening about the possibility of Carnival crediting cruises of 2 + days as 2 instead of one? A month or so ago you said that Carnival executives were discussing the matter and possibility of changing the current policy. Have you heard anything new about it?
We have been away in Daytona Beach, Orlando and Vegas, that’s why you haven’t heard from us as much as usual…. but that doesn’t mean we don’t keep reading your blogs, etc… we always take our laptop to keep up with everything.

About what you recently commented re American Airlines and their onboard service or lack of it…. You are 100% right. We have been flying with them more than 18 yrs. and it is going from bad to worse. In fact, I’m pretty mad. The only reason we stayed with them is because we travel a lot, we have their Citibank/ AAdvantage credit cards and we get a lot of miles when using them and, of course, when we fly with them too. Their domestic policy about charging $15 for the 1st. checked bag, $25 for the 2nd, and so on, is terrible. On 9/15 or so, they are also going to charge for checked bags on the transatlantic flights…. We read it on the paper & heard it on the news, but when we were talking on the phone yesterday and asked about it , she said that there was nothing about it…. yet….. Well, the funny thing is that Juan & I have not received a communication from them (e-mail or regular letter) announcing that policy change. Would you believe that on their 5 hour flight to Vegas from Miami and 4 hour flight Miami to Vegas they don’t serve any kind of snack? They only serve soft drinks, coffee, juices & water. If you dare to ask for a can of beer or a tiny wine bottle that would costs $6, a cookie $3, small turkey wrap $6, and most recently an Italian sandwich I believe $10-12…. I can’t remember exactly. What a rip-off! Do you know that when oil prices went up long time ago the airlines imposed a fuel surcharge on their tickets & when it went down they never reduced the air fares? Months ago the cruise lines discontinued charging the fuel surcharge although they left “open” the possibility of imposing the fee again if the oil prices climb again. Well, sorry for dumping on you my gripes, but after reading your “flight experience” going home I just couldn’t resist sharing our discontent with the airline.

Kisses to Kye & Heidi and warmest regards to you!
The Santanas of Miami Beach

John Says:
Hello Juan and Maria
My apologies for the time it has taken to reply to this post which didn’t get lost in cyber space but did end up in the huge pile of questions that are awaiting my response. It appears that I am three weeks behind now. Triple bugger.

I hope you saw my schedule for 2010 and you will have noted that I will be on your Carnival Dream, Carnival Conquest, Carnival Fantasy, Carnival Pride and possibly Carnival Spirit. Hopefully this will mean that we are able to sail together again next year.

I know you will love Wee Jimmy your Cruise Director in November. I will be featuring his bio next week as I continue the interviews with the CD’s. He is doing a great job on the Carnival Freedom and I know that you will love his sense of humour. Plus, he awards any guest who manages to take a photo “up his kilt” with a wonderful prize…………so go on and have a go.

I have not followed up on the 2 + 2 topic you mentioned but for sure I will and I will advise you as soon as hear anything.

You know my feelings on the airlines and I think while the cruise industry continue to improve their quality of service and the value for money they provide, the airlines are way, way behind…….and for the money we pay that $6 bag of peanuts should be a bag of lobsters.

Hope you had fun on your travels and I can not stop saying thanks for Kye’s beautiful dress.

Best wishes to you both
John

Denis Asked:
John Please reply…
My wife and I will be on the dream for Halloween, do you know if there is a special night with costume.
Thanks
Denis

John Says:
Hello Denis

Yes indeed. Even though your Carnival Dream will be on her trans-Atlantic voyage the celebration of Halloween will be in full swing so if your luggage allows it, please bring a costume. It will be a fun night for sure.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today. I will be answering as many as I can over the weekend for posting on Monday’s blog. Thanks again to all of you for writing in.

Next week we have many more Cruise Director interviews, including Kirk Benning, Tory Secoy, Ryan Fitzgerald, James Charlton, Risa Barnes, Dan Gataluci, wee Jimmy and many more. Today though we are going to feature an Assistant Cruise Director and blog friend Jaime and a much belated Dear John Letter

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Dear John,

In an attempt to dispel the rumors that the Senior Cruise Director’s former Assistant Cruise Director had fallen into the abyss of the deep dark ocean and mysteriously disappeared… I decided it was finally time to write a Dear John letter confirming my existence… That and I truly miss writing letters I had just been very busy while on the Carnival Freedom, and then in my any spare time I may or may not have had I was locked in my cabin with no electricity.

As of now, I offer confirmation that I am living, breathing, smiling and greatly enjoying my vacation time. For the past 14 months I had been going non- stop going from ship to ship, and finally I decided it was a good idea to take a few weeks off. I couldn’t be happier! You will never guess what I have chosen to do in my first few weeks of freedom…. The vacation options were endless… I could go to Maccu Piccu like I had so desperately wanted during our South American itinerary, I had the option of visiting family and friends in California and Michigan and filling them in on all of my adventures at sea. However, rather that taking part in either of those incredible vacation options, I opted to start my vacation with what I truly wanted to do: sail on the Carnival Pride as a guest. Crazy…. I know, but I think I may be addicted to the ship itself, or maybe someone on the ship! That and I cannot afford an army of servants to rock my mattress back and forth as I attempt to sleep on land.

I had an absolutely wonderful time working with John on the Freedom. I am most certainly having withdrawals, because I am still noticing guests that would be perfect for his Bedtime Story. I was so fortunate working with John because it led me to the unique opportunity to learn all about the inner workings of the entire cruising industry. I now know how having a positive and solution oriented team can truly affect ones sanity while working on board. Most importantly I had first hand exposure to the unfortunate issues John constantly faces due to his overactive flatulence.

September 6 celebrated my two year anniversary working for Carnival Cruise Lines, and I can hardly wait to see what will arise in the years to come. As of now I am scheduled to sign back on the Carnival Pride on November 8. The cruise director conference will start not long after that, so I am taking this vacation time to work on my Welcome Aboard Show and other talks that I will need so when it comes time to sit in THE BIG CHAIR once again, I will be prepared.

I am greatly enjoying my vacation; longing to get back to work. I will include from pictures from the ports we visited last cruise. It is so interesting to see how the ship runs from the guest perspective. I must admit, this is only my fourth Carnival cruise sailing as a guest, so I have a long way to go before I become a true cruising pro.

Can’t wait to see you on the Carnival Pride.

All the best,

Jaime
(while on vacation!)

Thanks Jaime for all the hard work and I am sure you will be happy to be on vacation and happy to be back with Kirk. I hope you feel what you felt in the disco when you were on the Carnival Freedom and we all wish you both much happiness. It was wonderful to work with you again.

Coffee table books are big, stylish and handy conversation-starters if you’ve run out of things to say to your friends and relatives and sometimes…….your wife or husband. I have three on my coffee table at home. Two are mine one is Heidi’s and I will let you guess whose is whose. We have: The World’s 100 Most Luxurious Homes and Gardens, Beauty, Passion and Sou……. Aston Martin and Latvian Strippers: A Pictorial History. Well know there is another one that I just ordered…………….here it is.

http://www.qm2book.com/

In the world of sparkling new ships that arrive almost it seems every month there is still one ship and one ship only that is guaranteed to drop the jaws of everyone who sees it and that of course is the Queen Mary 2. What a fantastic book. I wonder if anyone has sent the Queen a copy yet.

Now, let’s take a Friday look at your Carnival Dream and we will start with this amazing photo followed by more of the Piano bar and the interior …………..wow.

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As promised I am going to answer Karen Kutter ‘s question as to what items are stolen from the ship. What do you think……..or ……should I say…………..what would you steal…………..or should I say………what HAVE you stolen?

No, don’t tell me. I can guess. It’s toilet roll, isn’t it? Or “toilet tissue” as the Queen and posh people prefer to say.

Don’t deny it, because I have the evidence as the fleet’s Housekeeping Managers have all written in and told me that the “bog roll” as we non-posh Brits call it was in the first place of stolen ship items. In second place are the bathroom towels which some guests have complained are so fluffy they can’t close their suitcases.

And PA 007 our super spy who will have some breaking news for us later this month tells me, toilet paper is often stolen from the toilets at our Miami HQ.

Now, I can understand how people onboard steal the toilet rolls by packing them into their suitcases but how the heck do people who work in offices get away with it? How do you people get this stuff home anyway? A bit bulky to shove under your suit jacket, surely, and even the roomiest purse could only hold two rolls…. Ah, that’s why you dragged in that suitcase, claiming you were going straight from work on vacation.

Still, it explains why the paper in most public bathrooms is either as rough as a camel’s tongue, or flimsy as fairy dust and dispensed in tiny four-inch pieces, shiny on one side and only fit for tracing pictures or putting on a comb and zumming a tune……….because it was invented so no one in the world would ever want to steal it……we should put it on the ships…………no bugger would ever steal it. Oh by the way, the Housekeeping Manager of the Carnival Valor told me that last cruise someone stole a stateroom Steward named Ketut…………..so if the thief is reading this……………..can we have him back please.

OK, it’s Friday and after a busy few days in Holland we are back home again. It was as I said so great to show Kye to Heidi’s family and to discover that Kye has sea legs. That’s because on our crossing back to the UK the English Channel was pretty rough and yet Kye was as good as gold and that’s a great sign for the many cruises she will hopefully take in the future.

I can’t get over how beautiful she is especially considering how boil on a baboon’s arse ugly I am. It seems that us ugly people have a new hope though as the commercials for various male face lifts and rejuvenating $700 creams keep telling me……..What a load of bollocks. I know there’s already stuff available to help ugly men and women. It is called “alcohol” and its powers are in full view every week on the ships, when passengers you’d have rejected in favour of a Judge Judy at 9 pm suddenly acquire magical new hotness a few minutes before the disco closes.

Men with beards who invent these creams and lotions can’t bring anything new to this party. Pig-ugly men like me long ago developed a pant-based device to make them attractive to women. This is known as a “wallet,” and has controlled the emotions of women world over to miraculous effect. Heidi and many women like her also have their plan as well when they start wearing stockings 24/7 to gain a proposal, then the instant they are back from honeymoon revert to full length pajamas with the sensitive areas protected by minefields and barbed wire.

Anyway……..love is not about signing a marriage certificate or looking like Brad Clooney or Megan Jolie…….Love means not having to hold your farts in any more………and that means Heidi must love me very much………………just as I love her…………..and my gorgeous daughter Kye.

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Goodnight
Your friends
John, Heidi and Kye

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.