Tattoos, Horoscopes And Bugger All For Breakfast

October 29, 2009 -

John Heald

Well…..I have no words. Heidi is going to get a tattoo………on the side of her ankle ……a small heart……with Kye’s name written through it. Apparently it’s cute and “all the Mum’s are doing it”…………..well all the Dads are going out on Friday nights and having Latvian women do the hokey pokey on their laps………so I guess I can as well then.

I know I am old fashioned but come on…………back in the day, tattoos used to demonstrate that you had been in prison or the navy, but now pretty well everyone I ever see has some kind of art work peeping out of the back of their pants. “Everyone has tattoos these days,” cried my wife down the phone yesterday.
Oh really……….everyone has one do they? Do I have a great white shark with the President of France clenched between huge bloody teeth tattooed on my arse…… of course I don’t.

Of course, when I was 16 I fancied the notion of having a tattoo because I felt it would make me look tough and street wise thus attracting the women and thus attracting bucket loads of rumpy pumpy.

I didn’t for two reasons. First, the law states that you can’t get a tattoo unless you are drunk or adopting a child. Second, a tattoo artist once ran his needle over my forearm to show me just what a painless experience it was. He was lying. It felt like I was being stabbed in slow motion… hence I had no tattoo… women……and no rumpy pumpy.

We have those Henna tattoo thingies on the ships and wow…….how the kids love them. But to me – and I remind you that this is just my personal opinion – tattoo art is bloody awful. Angelina Jolie (as I expressed in a blog last month) used to be stunning and the constant subject of this blog thingy…………..these days she looks like an Iron Maiden album cover.

It’s also the tattoo artists themselves that make me nervous. I am sure they are nice people but there is no way I am letting a bald 400 pound Hell’s Angel with most of Office Depot’s stockroom stuck through his nose near me with a needle.

I wouldn’t mind, but most proper artists spend weeks thinking about their work and how it should be approached. What you get from the Hell’s Angel is a five-minute consultation and what you end up with is a doodle. Furthermore, most successful artists learnt their craft by wearing berets and walking along river banks eating Tofu.

Still, I realize that I am in the minority because it seems everyone has one these days. One of our blogger friends “Mr. Carnival” even has Fun Ship Freddy tattooed on his body…………now that’s total dedication to Carnival.

Lets crack on with today’s questions………..away we go.

Jetskier Asked:
Hi John,

To let you off the hook, someone had already posted the Aruba schedule on Cruise Critic on Oct 14th a full day before you posted on the blog.

It seems someone has a better spy. 🙂


On the new pull cards, more specifically the raffle. What if the person who wins is a non-drinker and does not have a “bar tab”? Does that mean they have won nothing as there is nothing to pay off? You would probably get more response if the offer was to pay off the S&S account up to $500. I figured I would go ahead and bring this up before you have a guest irate at y’all.

Still have not heard from you if you are going to be in Cozumel on Nov 4th. I was going to treat you to lunch if you were. The Legend and the Holiday are both in port that day.
Take care,

John Says:
Hello Dave

This is a good point. I think it would be silly not to admit that this is a great promotion but one we hope will impact our bottom line………..I have to say so far it has proven to be very successful here and the cards have been more popular than the old scratch thingies. The winner last cruise had a bar bill of $340 so he was a very happy man as was the winner of the instant $1,500 prize. However, it is certainly a good idea and one that I am sure others would agree with and one that I will present to the people at the top.

Now, unfortunately I am disembarking the Carnival Legend on November 1. This means that not only will I not be able to meet you both for lunch which would have been a delight, I will now not be able to say goodbye to the Holiday. So, you will have to do this for me.

Can you send Stephanie your cabin number please?
Have a great cruise
Best wishes and hope to see you soon

Maribeth Kring Asked:
Dear John, Please Reply

If you find out what is causing the cursor to jump around and such please let me know as it is happening to me too and, apparently, my people with beards are not nearly as smart as yours!
Maribeth Kring

John Says:
Hello Maribeth

Thanks so much for the help with my jumping cursor thingy. I got one of our bearded IT guys here to come and fix it and he did. I will call on you next time though.

Thanks again and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
Best wishes

Leanne Asked:
(Please respond)

Be careful, John! Remember the time you asked, “What the heck is a …….” you were bombarded with Slinkys! It was on the Carnival Triumph out of New York to Nova Scotia 10 years ago (October, 1999). It was my boyfriend (now husband)’s first cruise. The slinky became the running joke of the week. Care to bet how many Pop Tarts you’ll get now? Was that also the same cruise that your suspenders broke on stage and your pants fell down, too? Or, was that a different time? Either way, every cruise with you is an adventure and we look forward to cruising with you (and hopefully your girls) someday soon. In the meantime, I will live vicariously through your blog. I love it. My favorite part is when you post the ridiculous complaints people have on the ship. Everyone makes me laugh. Be well and hello to Heidi & Kye.

John Says:
Hello Leanne

Ahhh yes……the Slinkies. I once told guests that I didn’t know what one of these contraptions was and so as Leanne says I was bombarded with little buggers………at least 30 of them. I tried the same thing by saying I didn’t know what an Aston Martin was ……..but it never worked.

Well, I see that the wonderful Erik and Sharon sent me everything I ever wanted to know about Pop Tarts and I thank them for that as well. In fact, I received my first box this cruise thanks to blogger Patricia Nelson who is sailing on the Carnival Legend with me this week and I tried a small piece as it wasn’t sugar free…..and I have to say it was very tasty.

Thanks for the kind words. I have superb memories of my time sailing out of New York and I hope we all get to cruise together again very soon.
Best wishes to you all

Mary M. Asked:
John, (Please respond)

I’ve been considering the Legend for an extended family cruise next August. I’m still waiting on family members to finalize their schedules before booking, but that doesn’t stop me from logging onto the Carnival website frequently to check out prices, etc.

Today when I checked I noticed that the cabin categories have changed! I would love to have an explanation of what each category now represents.

I always thought Carnival’s classifications made so much more sense than some of the other cruise lines…but all of these extra choices are confusing me. (But then it doesn’t take much to confuse me…)

John Says:
Hello Mary

My time here on the Carnival Legend is rapidly coming to an end and I will be recapping the many reasons why I have fallen back in love with the Spirit class ships. I know you and your family will feel the same. Anyway, as you requested, here are the categories you requested.

Spirit Class Ships
Interior Cabin categories
Description Old Category New Category
French Door Interior Stateroom (Obstructed View) 4F 4K
Standard Interior 4A – 4E 4A – 4E
Interior Guarantee IS IS
Interior 1A 1A

Ocean View Cabin Categories
Standard ocean view staterooms are still only available in the 6A category and are located forward and mid-ship on Deck 1 Rivera.

Balcony Cabin Categories
Name – Description Old Category New Category
Aft – View Extended Balcony 8I 8M-8N
Extended Balcony 8G – 8H 8J – 8K
Standard Balcony 8A – 8F 8A – 8F
Obstructed View Balcony 7A 7A
Balcony Guarantee BL BL

Premium Balconies
Name – Description Old Category New Category
Large Stateroom with Large Balcony 9A 9B
Large Stateroom with Large Obstructed Balcony 9A 9A

Name – Description Old Category New Category
Grand Suite – Large Suite 12 GS
Vista Suite – Wrap Around Balcony 11 VS
Ocean Suite – Large Balcony 11 OS
Junior Suite – Standard Balcony 11 JS
Suite Guarantee ST ST

If you have a follow up question, please let me know
Best wishes

Kris & Tabby Asked:
John, Please Reply

My girlfriend and I are cruising on the Inspiration on 11-07. I have 2 questions for you if you can please…. I saw that Felipe is the CD for our trip and just wondered….well I guess I wonder is he a good CD. I have sailed with Wee Jimmy (Loved Him!!) and Steve (also a great CD), and am just curious.

Also, we are looking at another cruise for May on the Valor. My question is what kind of special great fantabulous offers does Carnival offer if you book your next trip while at sea on a ship? I haven’t sailed in about 2 years and just cannot remember.

I lost track of the blog for about a year and unfortunately missed Kye’s birth, but I have been reading back the months past to catch up…. she is simply adorable. I look forward to when you can post pics again!
Kris & Tabby

John Says:
Hello Kris and Tabby

Well girls you have had two brilliant Cruise Directors in Wee Jimmy and Steve and now get ready for a third as Felipe is a also a wonderful CD, He is full of Brazilian charm and I know you will both enjoy his fun personality very much. However, I am not sure if he will indeed be the Cruise Director as the 2010 schedule is still being completed and as soon as it is I will post it here on the blog.

The booking of future cruises is currently only on the Carnival Liberty, Carnival Valor, Carnival Freedom, Carnival Splendor and Carnival Conquest however , you can use your past guest discount when booking your next cruise so don’t forget to do that.

I am sure you will have other questions before you sail so please let me know if I can help answer them.
Best wishes

Cindy56 Asked:
John, please reply……

I must be completely “daft” (I love that expression as I hear it on Corrie Street all the time… but I don’t know which ship will have that wonderful trip. Is it the Carnival Dream or another ship?
Cindy56 🙂

John Says:
Hello Cindy56

How do you get to watch Coronation Street? The word “daft” is a Northern term which is pronounced “daaaaft” and means someone is or has acted in a silly way. Now, I am not sure to what tour you refer. Can you please let me know because I feel “daft” not knowing.
Best wishes

Debbie Hansen Asked:
Hi John, (please reply)

You mentioned Christopher Alan Graves in a recent blog. We were lucky to see him perform on several of our Carnival cruises and thoroughly enjoyed his performances. Is he still performing on board?

We’re looking forward to celebrating our 25th Wedding Anniversary aboard the 11/15 sailing of the Carnival Dream. The countdown has begun!

John Says:

Congratulations on booking your Carnival Dream for your 25th anniversary. What a wonderful way for you to celebrate this wonderful milestone. Christopher Alan Graves is one of our premier entertainers and still graces the stages of the Carnival Liberty and Carnival Miracle each week. His “Singing with the Big Band” show is brilliant and one of my all time favorites.

Anyway, let me wish you a happy anniversary in advance and hope you have a brilliant cruise.
Best wishes

Jeanette Asked:
John, please reply…

I am curious, who does the table seatings for the dining room and does it matter if you book a year in advance or six weeks? Does platinum status guarantee you a better table. I have been on nine cruises and not once have I had a table in the center of the lower level of the dining room where the best tables are located. Don’t get me wrong, a window is nice, but do all the platinum guests get the good tables…, wait, no they don’t cuz we had a crummy table on the Liberty and Alex was kind enough to move us and Miguel showed us a good time!

John Says:
Hello Jeanette

This is a good question and I think rather than me answer this I will send it on to Ken Byrne, the companies Senior Maitre D. I have never actually been present when they do the table assignments and although I am pretty sure how it is done I think I should ask Ken just to make sure.

I will post the answer for all to see once Ken sends me his reply.
Thanks for the great question
Best wishes

Mark from Alberta Asked:
John Please Reply

I had previously asked about Carnival’s statement about passports needing to be valid 6 months after the end of the cruise.

You had one of your staff check with the US Customs at the port of disembarkation and they stated as long as the passport is valid that we are good to go. However you were going to check further into this as it is stated on Carnival’s web site.

Anyways I have renewed my passport as I would only have four months remaining on my passport for my cruise on the Freedom in February. I asked the Canadian Passport processing officer why Carnival may have made this statement. The answer she provided is “that some countries make this a requirement for entry into their country and if your passport is not valid 6 months from the end of your cruise, you may not be allowed to disembark.”

Sounds plausible, however, you may not have seen or heard this before? I know that each foreign port Carnival visits, Customs officials from that country board the ship to make sure all paperwork and passports are in order…maybe the six month requirement maybe more for countries where there may be a higher risk of someone getting off the ship and not returning with intentions of staying.

My question after all this is…I know a lot of the passengers leave their passports on board the ship. If some terrible or unfortunate issue arises and a passenger is not on a Carnival excursion and they are without passport and perhaps identification (lost or stolen) is there a way for us to contact the ship or the Port Agent for assistance?

John your blog answers so many good questions and many very unknown services and good work done by Carnival staff…the story about the poor couple that had their scooters stolen allegedly by young’uns and vandalized. I was happy to hear how the ship’s technical staff and the ship’s upholsterer tried to make the scooters serviceable again. Keep up the good work! You do it (writing) with such panache and humour (spelled correctly!)

John Says:
Hello Mark

Thanks for taking the time to post this comment and I am sorry if I did not reply sooner. I do remember posting something about passports some time ago so I am glad that you have given me the chance to clear this up.

I checked with the guest relations manager here on the Carnival Legend about this. They are the people who liaise each cruise with United States Customs and Border Patrol so they have all the latest news. Anyway, the rules in the United States are that for the countries that have the United States Visa Waiver program (Canada, EU countries, UK etc) as long as the passport is within date during the period of travel this is fine. Hope that clears this up for you.

Now, as far as disembarking the ships…………well as you know we do not need photo ID as the guests photo is embedded within your Sail & Sign card cabin key. However, we always recommend that guest take a photo ID ashore. This can be your passport or drivers license, military ID etc. Now, we always recommend that guests take their Carnival Capers ashore with them as well because each port day Caper has the emergency contact details of the agents we use at each destination.

In the case of guests not being onboard at sailing time then there are procedures in place to allow the agent to arrange travel to the next port of call even if the passports are still onboard.

I hope this helps and sorry again for the delay in answering. Thanks for the kind words and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
Best wishes

John & Susan from Frisco, Tx Asked:
Hey John….

Please Reply….It has been a long time since we have written but, we read the blog every day. Susan and I need a favor….we are taking the family cruise I spoke of before, using the winnings from the casino on the Legend last year.

We have spoken with our wonderful PCP and she assures me that she has it taken care of it but, I really want to make sure that our family can all be seated either together or at tables next to each other at dinner. We will be going on the Conquest out of Galveston on the October 25th. Do you need the others numbers as well? I can provide them.

Thanks for anything you can do for us.

By the way, I read with great interest the negative response you got when you honored our service people. As a former Marine, I would say someone does not understand that “Freedom is not free”!
Some are willing to pay the price and some are willing to let them!

One other thing…..when Susan and I left the bloggers cruise we decided to follow your lead and go on a diet. We started in February and Susan has now lost 60lbs (and is getting skinny) and I have lost 100lbs and still have a ways to go. Man on man what I would give for a big greasy hamburger. Anyway, I noticed you hadn’t mentioned your progress lately and wondered if you would fill us in?

Please give Heidi and Kye our best. They are two beautiful people!

John Says:
Hello John and Susan

Thank you for reading the blog so often and I am glad you have given me the chance to say hello. I did e mail the Maitre D so I hope that he took care of your request. I managed to see this on the day you sailed so I am a little concerned that it may have been too late. Please let me know.

Congratulations on your diet and my goodness you have both lost loads of weight which is extraordinary. My progress is a little slower but still going well and I am determined to keep the faith.

Thanks again for all the kind words and I hope you had a brilliant time
Best wishes to you both

Janice & Harvey Asked:
Please reply…..

John, so sorry to read that the only place you found to eat at in Tampa was Hooters. Now, I admit, we BOTH like it but there are so many more charming places. So…the next time you “land” & are hankering for a great place to eat, please give us a call! We will meet you at the Port (we live about 15 minutes away) and take you to a GREAT place to eat & drink & get you back to the ship on time. Plus it would be great if you could smuggle me on board and tell everyone that I was your sister. 🙂 I’ll be glad to email you our home & cell numbers…we’d LOVE to meet you and would be honored to take you out to eat…our treat!

One other thing…we sailed on the Legend in Sept, loved it, and have now converted back to CCL fans, instead of RCCL. (We are avid cruisers, take at least two a year (and no, we’re not retired) and can’t think of a better vacation.) We had such a great time & Jen was fabulous as the CD and the Legend was beautiful. We’re already trying to decide our next cruise…Dream or one with you as the CD.
Take care,
Harvey & Janice

John Says:
Hello Harvey and Janice

I am sure as you said that Tampa has many finer eating establishments than Hooters but it was quick and easy and there were many breasts to look at.

My time here in Tampa was too short and I know if I stayed here for a full contract I could have spent each Sunday meeting my blog friends for fine company and good food. But alas, it’s time for me to bugger off again but I truly hope to be back one day. I was so glad to read that the Carnival Legend won your hearts back to Carnival. I hope therefore to see you onboard one day soon……..I will be on your Carnival Dream in February and March. I hope you will be to.
Best wishes to you both

John Rhoades Asked:
John… Please reply on blog.

I will be sailing on the Carnival Dream on May 1st, and would like information on a VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC!! What are the hours for the mini-golf course??? Can someone send a copy of the scorecard so that we can see the course layout in detail? A bet of a Drink-Of-The Day rides on the outcome of 18 holes and I must win!!! Oh yeah… love the blog thingy andPopTarts RULE!!!

John Says:
Hello John

Wow, you guys are taking this golf thing very seriously. I will ask the ship to send me a copy of the scorecard and I will then post it here on the blog thingy for you. The hours are 8 am – 8 pm at the moment all though this may change to later hours once the ship is the Caribbean. Did you see the photo on yesterday’s blog? As you can see it’s very popular. So, may the best man or woman win and I hope that’s you!

I will be back later with the scorecard thingy.
Best wishes

LadyJag (Laura) Asked:
Dear John, (please reply, if you have time)

Thank you for another great blog! Can I get a note for work, too? I need someone to explain to the big cheeses at my job that an immediate long Carnival cruise vacation will prevent my sudden and painful blindness, as my current projects are causing me to poke my own eyes out. 😛

In answer to your question about what shows I would like to see more of, at the top of my list are the impromptu shows like the marriage game and the Welcome Aboard show. I also enjoy a good comedy, and my husband and I were both very impressed by the magic act, Justin Illusion, on board the Carnival Glory this past May. In fact, the next night we asked the producer (is that his correct job title?) in the sound booth where we could score a copy of the incredible soundtrack used in his performance, and were disappointed that the soundtrack was unavailable.

Anyway, I wanted to suggest a show that I saw 5 years ago on the Carnival Miracle. Todd was the cruise director for that cruise, and Big Tex was the ACD.

One particular night, the comedian who was supposed to board the ship to do the R-rated comedy show had a family emergency and missed the ship. Rather than cancel the show, though, Todd and Big Tex rounded up a 3-4 other crew members (including a dancer named Barbie), and they all performed an improv “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” audience participation type of show.

John, my face was soaking wet with tears from laughing so hard that night! It was so hilarious and so much fun, I have to say it was the best show I’ve seen on any of my 5 cruises. After all, how can you not laugh watching Big Tex and Todd performs a crazy skit in the style of Japanese anime?

So do you think such a show can be added to the current Carnival onboard entertainment schedule? That is, if Todd doesn’t mind other cruise directors “stealing” another one of his ideas. (Didn’t you mention once that he was the originator of the Carnival Colors Lounge Hop too?)
Thank you,

John Says:
Hello Laura

Anytime you need a sick note please let me know. I am a huge lover of improv and given the right circumstances and the right people to perform it with it can be very funny indeed. I remember once I did this with comedians Al Ernst and Lewis Nixon and we had so much fun. Improv though is not easy to do but when it’s done right it is definitely something our guests would certainly enjoy.

I have not done this for a long time but now we have the Comedy Club on your Carnival Dream it is certainly something I can do when I am there next year.

Cruise Directors “borrow” from each other all the time. I have been “borrowed” many times and as long as it benefits the guests I don’t really mind.

So, thanks for the reminder about this and I will pass your comments along to Todd and Big Tex.

Maybe you will indeed see some improv nights across the fleet one day soon.
Best wishes

Meowsmurphy Asked:
Hi John; (Please Reply)

We are finally back on an even keel and I am writing to tell you what an awesome time we had on the 10-4 Carnival LegEnd (Legend) sailing. This was our first experience with you as a CD and I’ll tell you…NO ONE can compare…your quick wit and humor are amazing.. I had taken the time to write you that we were taking our 2 granddaughters with us for their 16th birthday presents. I had asked if perhaps you could get the captain to send them a birthday wish to make their cruise extra special…NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think you would be so clever… When you (Pietro) called them on the phone and pretended to be from the purser’s desk and telling them that someone had seen a cat in their cabin…I thought I would die laughing…what was even more amazing is that they fell for it HOOK, LINE and SINKER…you could hear them on the phone telling the other one to go check the balcony and the corridor like you asked…We have never laughed so much …Their grandfather’s name is John and as you know they thought he was playing a trick on them…I had to explain that it wasn’t him, but you who played the prank..All of us were amazed to see it replayed on the “Morning Show” and I went so far as to video tape it off the TV so that their parents could laugh as much as we did…again…it was simply amazing..They are STILL talking about it…on another note…thank you for the bottle of champagne you sent for our anniversary…it was delicious and I meant to write down the name so that we could buy a bottle for New Year’s Eve…do you happen to know the name?
In closing…may I say we will be watching your CD schedule so that we can sail with you again…Oh and our new catch phrase is “with venom” 🙂
Our best to you, Heidi and Kye
John and Mary-Ellen Wiggins

John Says:
Hello John and Mary – Ellen

I have to admit that my Pietro the Italian Purser impression was pretty pathetic. I started out slightly Italian but a few minutes into the call Pietro had become Patel and had moved from Rome to Bombay.

Anyway, the girls did indeed fall for it and it made for great TV. Please thank them for me.

It was an honor to have you all onboard for what I hope was a brilliant cruise vacation.

Thank you so much for those kind words and I hope to see you and the family again very soon.
Best wishes to you all

Dorothy Asked:
John, Please reply.

I have a penthouse suite booked on the Carnival Imagination for February and was wondering why there were no modified penthouse suites? I have only stayed in a cat.11 suite on the Carnival Splendor last December, it was modified and talking about room, there was plenty, wish I could book one every cruise we take. Also about the comment on you being away from your family, you are not alone.

I have a son who is 24 and spends the week working out of town. He has to do this to make a living for his family. They do miss him, but when he comes home on Thursday evening, he spends the whole weekend with them. Also I wish the young couple the very best. I was married at 17, hubby was 20, we have been married for 33 years and they said it wouldn’t last, and I don’t plan on getting rid of him at any time, he is a keeper.

Thanks for this wonderful blog, I read it every day, you do a wonderful job.

John Says:
Hello Dorothy

Thank you for the kind words. Working away from home is so difficult as your son will know firsthand. Anyway, there are two styles of penthouses on the Carnival Imagination. Please can you send me your booking number so I can see which cabin you are in and therefore send you the correct description? Regardless of which one you are in I promise they will be very roomy indeed.

I am so glad you enjoy the blog and I hope that continues for a long time to come.
Best wishes

Denise Asked:
Dear John (Please Reply)

That is very happy news about a Carnival ship going to Aruba…but my question is WHICH SHIP ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? Did I miss it somewhere in the blog?
Thanks for all the laughs and information!

John Says:
Hello Denise

Sorry………..I realized after I had posted the news about Carnival returning to Aruba that I had forgotten to say which ship……..bugger. It is of course the Carnival Miracle and from what I hear bookings are very strong. It’s a great itinerary and I hope it is one you get to enjoy.
Best wishes

That’s all for today and there will of course be more tomorrow. So, as you know we had some issues issues with two deck 8 cabins which we had advertised as wrap balconies but had been built with partitions. Well, as I had mentioned yesterday, the work has now been completed and I thought you might like to see how these cabins look now… so ……. here they are.




So, here we are in Belize and another beautiful but windy day. The tenders are bobbing around waiting to take guests to ashore. It’s so windy in fact that we have had to close the water slide. But, the sun is shining and even with the wind it’s very humid. The guests are having a good time although this is one of those weeks where scheduling everything is rather difficult. You see, we have the new cast learning the shows and they need all the lounge time they can get plus we have the Aqua Fest group who has the Firebird Lounge for much of the cruise.

Then, I have an extra entertainer this week in the brilliant Marcus Anthony whose Motown show is remarkable. I also need to schedule the Carnival Legends show and of course on Saturday we need to have the 10:30 pm show time slot for our Halloween festivities of which I shall be writing about tomorrow. This means that unfortunately my talent show and bedtime story won’t be performed this week………….bugger.

I hope all of you New York and New Jersey bloggers saw yesterday’s blog in which I invited you all to breakfast at the Rocka thingy center. Please send your RSVP’s to one of the 343 Stephanies so we know how much breakfast to order.

I love breakfast. It is my favorite meal of the day and it seems it’s the one meal onboard where despite the dining rooms being open………..mostly all our guests prefer to eat on Lido Deck. Why is that? Can you tell me? Do you ever eat in the dining room for breakfast…..if not, why not?

In the UK, a full English breakfast is most common. That’s bacon, eggs, sausages and fried bread. That’s about it……….it’s that………or toast.

But I have learnt that in America, breakfast has more options than a bloody Eye Phone. I still am in awe at all the things we offer at breakfast on the Carnival ships……. waffles, omelet’s, pancakes, French toast, fruits, cereals, bagels, muffins, pastries, oatmeal, smoked salmon, cream cheese, breakfast potatoes, sausages, bacon, fried, scrambled and Benedicted eggs and of course everyone’s favorite……….grits. Not to mention the juices and variations on a theme of coffee and breads. Wow, sounds amazing, doesn’t it? ………… or ……………does it?

Guest: Mr. ———–Ref: 828010443A
Cabin: ____Booking#: ____Added-Changed: 10/28/09 – 10/28/09


Mr. ——– came to the GSD to say that he was not happy with the breakfast choices. Mr. ______said that compared to other cruise lines the choice was not good enough.
Tasked to F and B Manager

Now, I was going to call this chap to see what other breakfast choices we could offer. I checked to see if he was a United States citizen and indeed he is. I did this to just to make sure there were no “ethnic” choices that we may have forgotten. Before I call him though I thought I would ask you. What am I missing…..what are we missing? Can you help me? What do you think he is talking about and what by the way do you think of our breakfast choices? Please let me know.

I have a prediction. I will probably fart in the next 30 minutes……..OK…….that wasn’t it ………….here it is. Last night my Miami Heat beat the New York Knickers and therefore I predict that my Miami Heat will play the LA Shakers in the NBA finals and Miami will win. The end!

I was also approached yesterday by a guest who wanted to hold a seminar onboard. I get this a lot. Guests want to hold seminars on all kinds of subjects from weight loss to finance to photography. While many of these would be beneficial to the guests some are not because they result in the guest trying to sell a product afterwards. That’s why we always have these pre-approved by our friends in Miami. When they are good they are very, very good but when they are not……well they can be spectacularly bad and as CD you are responsible. You are the one in charge of entertainment and you are the one who have told the guests “this is good, come and see it.”

So yesterday, a guest wrote to me saying that she was Florida’s top Horoscope Star Sign Reader thingy and she wanted to set up in a lounge and tell everyone their horoscope …………………….. ummmm…………….no.

I am sure she was legitimate but I don’t want someone telling our guests that they will die in a freak accident involving a George Foreman grill. Plus as expected she had books she wanted to sell as well. I was very kind in saying thanks but no thanks but suggested she could write to Carnival asking that she have prior permission to do this ahead of time.

I hope I am not offending anyone here when I say that I personally believe it clearly bonkers to believe that the movements of giant lumps of rock spinning through space a couple of billion miles away will somehow dictate my personality, or what job you get, or whether you will get any rumpy pumpy. It is stark raving mad, the equivalent of believing that the Queen had Princess Di whacked or that it won’t take an horrendous amount of time to get guests on and off the Shopping Mall Of The Seas in every port. I am quite convinced of the inherent nuttiness of the horoscope pages.

Why, then, do so many people read them? Can someone explain this because maybe it’s me that’s bonkers. Maybe Saturn will get me upgraded to first class when I fly to Bermuda and perhaps Uranus will cure my Hemorrhoids.

Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.