Airport 2010

January 22, 2010 -

John Heald

So here I am, sitting on a British Airways plane heading back to work which my regular readers will know ………..means it is time for another flying story written on my raspberry However, this one isn’t so much about the experience in the air…………..but rather……….on the ground. I think I may have said this once or twice before………..but just in case I forgot………let me tell you that I hate flying.

Flying and I go together like Tiger Woods and erectile dysfunction. Actually though, its not the flight itself I want to talk about despite the fact that the lady next to me has been blessed with breasts the size of the Alps and is making sure me and the rest of the plane know that she has. Nope……….it’s the pre flight experience I want to talk about especially as I am on a spying mission in preparation for Heidi and Kye to join me next month. Of course security was tighter than a Scotsman’s arse before the exploding underpants bomber came onto the scene. Abdul The Bastard has insured we’re all going to spend longer at airports. I had two full pat down checks today and we were called to the gate 90 minutes before the departure time where upon everyone received a full pat down by my new friend whose name tag told me his name was “ Christian” had a good feel and a look down my trousers………which was very Christian of him wasn’t it? Still, mustn’t complain better to be safe than blown to bits by a pair of Fruit of the Looms. However, the ridiculous thing is that now of course we all have to spend more time at the airport because you have to allow so much extra time to get through security. This is brilliant news if you like looking round Sunglasses Hut …….for everyone else, especially those with children, it is a bugger of a place to be. Is it me or in days gone by didn’t airports had childrens facilities. They weren’t much………. a couple of play areas, a climbing frame, a spot where your offspring could run around a bit before boarding and for Heidi’s sake and the rest of the plane ……….falling asleep. I was tasked by Heidi to look for these today………somewhere where Heidi and Kye could relax before being stuck in the metal tube for 9 hours………at Gatwick Airport, London………….and I asked the staff………..there is bugger all. Carnival has areas at our new terminal in Miami that are as kid friendly as Barney the sodding Dinosaur ……….. Gatwick has sod all. I noticed this especially today because my flight was delayed for an hour and 45 minutes. I have no idea why………maybe one of the passengers had farted and was arrested for having underpants that could be associated with terrorism. Maybe a man with a beard had found a dead bird on the runway and it had to removed in a dignified which meant shutting the runway down, dressing the dead fowl in a high visibility jacket before removing it. But what do you do while you are waiting to go to the gate and why is the seating at airports is about as comfortable as sitting on a cheese grater. Gatwick Airport has 317,250 sq ft of retail space……………I know because I measured it while waiting for my flight. And I converted it into basketball courts, just for perspective. It’s almost 47! That’s 47 basketball courts full of shops that sell Prada and Versace and a mini Harrods where you can buy real English products …….. made in China. And there are three…….Starbucks. And by way of family facilities? Nothing, nada, zilch das bugger nichcts.

I think the owners of the airports should think more about families rather than concentrate on having a salesperson attack you clutching a bottle of Baileys the second you get through security. I know in America it’s a bit different. I remember in Boston, they have a whole “kidport,” with planes and luggage shoots to play on. This makes sense for everyone. If we could convert just one of those shop-based basketball courts into a cinema, a soft-play zone, a reading area, a families-only cafe and maybe a soundproof tantrum box, it would remove all the kids from the rest of the airport. All you lucky child-free travelers would be free to eat sushi and drink your crapafrapacinos in peace. And Heidi would arrive at the gate de-stressed and happy. It could mean an end to the in-flight toddler tantrum…………..or of course……..that could be total bollocks.

Saying goodbye to Heidi and Kye was an experience that words can never describe……….Kye is eight months old yet it was as though she knew………..she knew that her Daddy was leaving …….. and…………….and………..I can’t write anymore about this………….sorry.

One last thing……..why the hell do they have luggage shops at airports? Have you ever seen a man wandering round in an airport terminal with an armful of clothes shouting. “Hurray – a suitcase?”

Time to go as we are preparing for take off so quickly let me say thanks for all the wonderful birthday wishes and see you onboard your Carnival Dream.

Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.