Feeling The Strain

March 31, 2010 -

John Heald

Bugger! Thanks to the slack-jawed idiot of a British Prime Minister and those bastards at British Airways my best mate Alan and his family will not be joining me for their Easter holidays. And how I could have done with seeing them. They told me today that their flight is defiantly canceled and all the other airlines are booked……so that’s them camping ………and me being Billy No Mates again.
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Cowboys, Trucks and Texan Girls

March 30, 2010 -

John Heald

As well as the Swedish clog dancers and 600 people called Jose and Maria, we also have a group of 88 people who are obsessed and in love, not with Megan Fox’s bottom………….. but with pick-up trucks…………..and apparently the Megan Fox of the pick-up truck world is something called the Ford F150. I know this because these men (haven’t seen any women) are all wearing T-shirts proudly proclaiming that this truck “kicks arse”….sorry………”kicks ass,” etc.
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The other day I wrote a piece in my blog thingy about how Jamaica is one of my favourite islands in the Caribbean. Well, while many of you agreed some didn’t , which is fine. But then I received this posting:
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www.savehaitisaturday.com

March 26, 2010 -

John Heald

As I write this blog in my underpants from the conference room which is devoid of cabbage players, beautiful rays of sunshine are streaming through the cotton ball clouds, and an eerie softness has descended on the Carnival Conquest. It is beautiful and peaceful at this time of the day……….it’s 7:40am………….and I feel like I am the only bugger on the ship.
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Hey Jude

March 25, 2010 -

John Heald

As many of you know I am a huge fan of Jamaica. I love the people and the beauty of the island and unlike some other islands in the region, they still treat the cruise ship guest as someone special. Some islands have money oozing from their every pore whereas Jamaica realises how important the tourist dollars are. Yes, I know Jamaica gets some bad press but it is one of the most spectacularly beautiful nations in the world and in reality is its issues are very similar to other vacation destinations.  Obviously taking a shore excursion from the ship is the best way you see the right places with the right people and I promise you won’t find more passionate people than the tour guides we use in Jamaica.
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Testing, Testing.

March 24, 2010 -

John Heald

So last night there was a bit of a domestic issue here on the Carnival Conquest. According to Marvin the hotel director a couple in their thirties had a huge argument which resulted in a 2 am bust up and her throwing all of his belongings out into the corridor and slamming the door in his face. The husband then decided to run up and down the hallway shouting “The woman in cabin **** is a bi***” and suggesting to other males in the area that if they fancied a bit of rumpy pumpy they should knock on his wife’s cabin because apparently she would oblige…….or words to that effect.
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Healthy Blog

March 23, 2010 -

John Heald

I finally met some guests who recognized me here on the Carnival Conquest. They are Platinum guests who sailed with me on the Carnival Splendor in the Baltic. They also returned to that ship some months ago and were on the cruise when the governments of the world sounded the alarm about pigs with flu and their three-stop Mexican Riviera cruise was totally buggered.
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Tales Of Conquest

March 22, 2010 -

John Heald

He didn’t just smell. Oh no……….he smelt so badly that even a French person would have gone “sacra bleu, kiss co say la pong du skunk.” You see, while my flight from Orlando to Miami was uneventful save the fact that the pilot thought he was a cruise director using the PA to point out each state we flew over as well as introducing us to each of the crew by name and where they were from………..nope the adventure began when Craig and I landed.
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Out Of Office

March 18, 2010 -

John Heald

Life onboard cruise ships are vastly different to work on land……..or is it. I was thinking this today as I realised that I had just 20 minutes for some lunch between some paper work and hosting my marriage show. And so that was me, shoving a piece of ham and a lump of cheese between two slices of wheat bread all washed down with half a cup of tea. I was thinking of how nice it would be to have a job where regardless you had an hour for lunch…..or more. When I worked in London many years ago lunch was never hurried and often included a beer or three.
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Harry Potter And The Curse Of The Virgin Ribs

March 17, 2010 -

John Heald

Having 1,000 kids onboard I felt it necessary to add some child friendly activities involving myself. So, after a lot of thinking I decided to borrow an idea from TV. In America I think you call it “Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader.” In the UK it’s called “Are You Smarter than a Nine Year Old.”
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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.