Testing, Testing.

March 24, 2010 -

John Heald

So last night there was a bit of a domestic issue here on the Carnival Conquest. According to Marvin the hotel director a couple in their thirties had a huge argument which resulted in a 2 am bust up and her throwing all of his belongings out into the corridor and slamming the door in his face. The husband then decided to run up and down the hallway shouting “The woman in cabin **** is a bi***” and suggesting to other males in the area that if they fancied a bit of rumpy pumpy they should knock on his wife’s cabin because apparently she would oblige…….or words to that effect.

Usually alcohol is the cause and effect in such cases but in this case it seemed they were quite sober and after interviewing both guests and with no spare cabins it was decided for their own safety and the peace of mind of the other guests that they should leave the ship today in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

This kind of situation happens now and then on cruise ships around the world. You may remember the incident last year on the Carnival Freedom when a wife fed up with her husband working all the time, even on her cruise vacation, threw his precious laptop overboard. I wonder therefore if these sorts of arguments are relevant at home as well as when they come on vacation or do these arguments intensify due to the confines of what can be a small stateroom? Certainly from my experience it is the couples who have just got together or are in the early years of their relationship who seem to have these intense arguments.

I don’t know the answer to that but I have been thinking that there I need to try and help here and stop these arguments from happening. And so with that in mind here is my pre-cruise test to make sure the partner you are taking your Carnival cruise with is the right person for you. Let’s crack on and start with a test for the ladies to see if he is the perfect cruising partner for you.

1. It’s elegant night and your wife has been getting ready for 3 hours. She finally emerges from the bathroom and asks “Does my arse look big in this dress?”

Do you answer?

a) Yes, it looks like someone has parked their Hummer in your knickers so for the love of god can we go get some lobster.

b) No, I have never seen such a small and cuter bottom as that. I thought Megan Fox was in my cabin

c) If I say “no” you will think I am saying it just so we can get out of this cabin and if I say “yes” you will be grumpy all night long and there will be bugger all chance of any rumpy pumpy. Please may I have a different question?

2. You have been wandering the Carnival Conquest for 15 minutes trying to find the Internet Cafe and realize you are never going to find it without asking for help. Does he say?

a) I am a man. I am not programmed to ask for help. Let’s keep wandering the ship for another 15 minutes because maybe we will find it

b) I am not wrong. I know exactly where I am going. I know this ship like the back of my hand. Oh……..hold on……….why are we in the galley?

c) Darling you look gorgeous in that dress and your arse seems to be getting smaller as we walk. Tell you what, you go buy yourself a ring from the gift shops while I ask that fat English cruise director for directions to the Internet cafe ………..mmmm….I love you to darling.

3. You come back from a wonderful night onboard of great shows, food and fun. You get into bed and realise you have a headache. Does he:

a) Says he feels sorry for you and feeds you little bits of the chocolate mint that Putu the stateroom steward left on your pillow

b) Get his laptop out and Google “rumpy pumpy is a cure for headaches”

c) Tweak your nipples and lick the back of your neck like a rabid Cocker Spaniel until you scream “get off ” which results in the people in the cabin next door calling security.

4. You arrive at the ship and go straight to your stateroom. Does he:

a) Unpack the suitcases for you telling you to go up to the spa and have a massage while he sorts everything out here

b) Says “See you later and buggers off to the sports bar to drink beer and watch the game”

c) Unpacks for you while you have a massage and when you come back you find rose petals on your pillow, champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries, a free gift from John the cruise director and dinner reservations at the Steakhouse. You then realise…….he’s been doing a Tiger Woods and you kick him in the bollocks, throw all his clothes in the corridor and his laptop overboard.

Ok, let’s take a break and come back later with some questions designed to see if she is the right cruising partner for you.

Until then……………time for some questions…………off we go.

Kathy M. Asked:
Hi John, Please Reply.

John, you really did not mean that if a person complains about any little thing, Carnival rewards them for this. It would seem that Carnival should be rewarding the passengers who leave compliments instead of rewarding the complainers. I bet that if you stopped rewarding the complainer’s (unless they have a legitimate complaint) you would see many of these stupid ones coming to a stop. Do you realize that Carnival has to add on to our fares to give these baskets or whatever other rewards they give them, onto our fares? I realize that the fruit basket does not cost that much per basket, but when you add them up fleet wide, it is a huge expense that has to come from somewhere and that is from the rest of the passengers’ fares. I say stop rewarding them unless it is a legitimate complaint. Just my opinion.

Give my love to Heidi and Kye
From your #1 Bloggy Thingy fan,
Kathy M.

John Says:
Hello Kathy M

We in the cruise industry have in the past been rather casual with what we do when people complain. This heralded the rise of various postings on lots of cruise based websites about how to complain and what you can expect to get when you do. This is in the past though and certainly here at Carnival we have become more strict in what we provide. Now obviously we still make mistakes and situations do arise where we need to make sure that the guest who has legitimate reasons to complain is looked after accordingly. I am also careful in whom I give what so please don’t worry. I can assure you that any compensation we give in whatever form does not affect the cost of your cruise. I appreciate your opinion as always and still hope that one day soon we be able to cruise together.

Best wishes

John B Asked:
Please respond.

I have a real problem with what is happening. Can you spell corporate GREED. I can.

Whether the suits at the home office realize it or not, we are still in some pretty rugged economic times. Are they losing money as a corporation? I don’t think so. They simply want to increase the corporate coffers. No real problem with this other than their inability to say that is what they are doing.

I dare say the majority of Carnival’s demographic base are hard scrabble blue collar workers. If they are employed they can afford to cruise on occasion. They choose Carnival form many positive reasons, amongst which is the money saving aspect of the product. Yet Carnival pokes them in the eye and says “bugger off,” give us more.

Can you legitimately defend this corporate greed? I don’t think so. Look, John, I truly appreciate your blog and all the good you do for the corporation and understand that you must “toe” the company line. I seriously do. It just would be good to know why you legitimately think this is a good thing.
Thank you.

John Says:
Hello John B

Thanks for your sharing your passion mate which as you know I encourage here on the blog thingy at all times. I am not sure in this case as to what it is that has you so fired up. I can only think it is in reference to the price increase we launched on March 22. If that is the case let me give you my honest thoughts on that.

First of all this is my blog and I hope you have seen that I write about everything, warts and all. I certainly have never been asked by anyone in a suit of with a beard to “toe the company line.” However, I can see how that might be an assumption that readers may make.

Secondly and with regard to the price increase I want to say this: There were indeed tough economic times in our past and who knows what the future will bring. But, during those times I was onboard the ships and saw the ships sailing full and the guests having fun and doing so for unbelievable prices. Now, I know nothing about how Carnival structures their cruise ticket cost for all the many different cruises we offer. But I do know that we are the affordable cruise line and even with these price increases it seems that compared to others we most definitely still are.

Now do I agree with everything? No. For example I think we should have found a way to offer the pins to every guest not just our Platinum ones. But that was a decision Carnival made but there were very few others.

I also want to say that I think it was good of the bearded ones to give plenty of public notice that we were doing this to allow everyone to book at the previous prices. By the way, I was speaking to someone last night who just booked an 8-day cruise on the Carnival Freedom for $459……….. not bad, eh?

So, that’s my opinion on the whole thing and if you cut out all my waffle, the bottom line is that the Carnival product is still, even with the price increases, the best value for money vacation in the world.

John, if you have a follow up to this or if I read your comments incorrectly please let me know.

Best wishes

Susan Myers Asked:
Hello John: (please reply)

I have been enjoying your blog for the last year but this is the first time I’ve written. I love your stories about the guest’s you encounter and their “issues”. Having worked myself in the hospitality industry for twenty years, nothing surprises me anymore, but I do get a chuckle out of it. I also love hearing about Heidi & Kye. I wish I was sailing with you this year, but alas, it is not so.

I do have some questions that I hope you can help me with. My husband, son (10) and I will be aboard the Carnival Glory’s April 4, 2010 sailing and it will also be my husband’s birthday on April 10th. I would like to book the steakhouse for dinner one night, but would prefer not to do that on the elegant nights. Do you have a suggestion as to which night would be best? Also, are (well-behaved) children allowed in the Steakhouse?

I would also like to order a cake to be delivered to dinner on his birthday. We are scheduled for Your Time dining. Before I do, I would just like to make sure that is possible because we will not be seated at the same table each day?

I am trying to make this a special vacation for both my husband and son because it has been a rough couple of weeks with my husband’s mother passing away two weeks ago. Any other suggestions that you have to make this an even more wonderful, very-needed vacation would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you in advance for your response and I hope to be able to cruise with you one day soon. Thanks also for keeping me laughing!

Sue Myers

John Says:
Hello Sue Myers

Thanks so much for taking the time to post your first comment and I am happy to read that you have been enjoying the blog thingy so much. I know you will be very excited about your Carnival Glory cruise and I would suggest that you enjoy the Steakhouse on the third or fourth evening of the cruise. This will avoid you clashing with elegant night and allow you to have something truly special in the middle of the cruise. Of course your children can eat there as well.

I will though mention that there is no childrens menu there so please keep that in mind. The cake for the birthday surprise should be ordered through the Celebrations shop on Promenade Deck 5 forward. Just tell the young lady there roughly what time you will be eating and what night you want it delivered and it will be done. The waiters will also sing their special version of Happy Birthday. I know you will have fun all together and make sure you see all the shows …. especially the magic show and your husband can expect a birthday gift from me as well.

Have a wonderful time and my sympathies at the loss of your husband’s dear mother.

Best wishes to all

Jo ann Asked:

Hi, John — we were lucky enuf to meet you on the Carnival Dream a couple of weeks ago and it was suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch fun. Anyhow, asking for help right now. We are sailing on Carnival Freedom in October 2010, going to Panama Canal. I remember a few months ago, you wrote a blog telling about an excursion Carnival has for the Panama Canal. I do not know how to search for this blog and am now quite interested in your recommendation. I’m thinking Carnival offered one during which you could actually board a craft and go through the canal. Am I correct or am I hallucinating??? Could you or one of your million Stephanies please help me out? We want to make a reservation for an excursion ASAP so as not to be disappointed and have it sold out. Thanks in advance!!! Love to Kye and Heidi!

John Says:
Hello Jo Ann

It was great to meet you to and I am glad you have found this blog. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to reply to this but let me tell you that yes, we do have such an excursion. Here are the details.

Take this incredible excursion and witness the wonders of the Panama Canal.

On this excursion you will:
• Arrive at the Colon 2000 terminal and board a bus to the Transismic Highway through the city colon to the Balboa Pier at the Pacific Coast.
• Board a large ferry that will transport you through part of the Panama Canal.
• View this great accomplishment from open areas on board the ferry.
• Go through the Miraflores Locks and Lake.
• Pass through the Pedro Miguel locks and onto Gaillard Cut.
• Cross the Continental Divide.
• Enjoy the ecological wonders of the area.
• Travel to the city of Gamboa and the dredging division of the Canal.
• See the largest floating crane.

You can book this online or when you get onboard the Carnival Freedom. Here is the link thingy


Best wishes

Tracy Van Der Voort Asked:
Hi John

I have a couple questions. First we are taking our daughter on the Carnival Spirit April 23-May 5, 2010 (Hawaii to Vancouver) to celebrate her graduation. Just wondering why Carnival does not sell graduation decorations or cakes and stuff through the bon Voyage department? I would have loved to order some stuff for her to make it special, but looks like I will have to pack stuff in my suitcase and fly it to the ship with me.

My second question is: A group of my friends and I will be on the Carnival Splendor for the Oct. 31- Nov. 7, 2010 sailing. When will Carnival announce if they are doing anything for Halloween? I was wondering if there will be a costume party and if so what night? Will it be one of our elegant nights? Would like to know this so we know what to pack? This cruise should turn out to be a great cruise as there are a few of us celebrating our birthdays on the cruise.

Thanks for any info you can give me.

John Says:
Hello Tracy Van De Voort – good Dutch name by the way

You ask a very good question by the way and having seen so many graduates on spring break over the years it would seem that we have missed out here. I will suggest this to Carol who is in charge of our Bon Voyage department; it’s a great idea. How wonderful that you are spending this quality time with your daughter and I will see if we can send her a little graduation gift.

I can promise you that we will have a huge Halloween celebration as always. This will feature the Haunted House, a big Halloween party and of course a trick or treat session for the younger kids. Tim Cabral is the brilliant chap in charge of this and he will make sure that he sends me all the details nearer the time. It will be fun I promise.

Thanks again for the great idea and best wishes to you and the family.

Mark from Alberta Asked:
John Please Reply

Carnival Freedom – B2B January 31st (8 Day Eastern) and February 7th. (6 Day Western)

John please forgive my earlier two emails. The first sent itself minus my review of the Carnival Freedom. The second I sent quickly without realizing the first was sent minus the review…sheesh.

Carnival Freedom is a beautiful Conquest class ship. I have heard comment that her interior is a bit dark. I found her to be “Vegas Classy”. The Millennium atrium, Victoriana Main lounge, International lounge, and the Babylon Casino have great design features and I actually said “wow” when I saw these rooms.

Felipé Couto (a Portuguese speaking Ricky Ricardo) did an admirable job as CD! “Woo Hoo!” That was his iconic call to fun to which the crowd would respond with woo hoo! There are some that did not appreciate his woo hoos and felt to tell us so on our roll call and stated that they remarked such on the comment card. I think they forgot that we were on vacation! WOO HOO! Keep up the good work Felipé! Don’t change!

Jamie Frasier was our ACD and did a great job. He performed one night a collection of big band songs. He is a good looking young man that makes women swoon and young girls giggle. Jamie and Felipé look like they just stepped off a Hollywood set. John are these the Carnival metrosexuals? Encourage Jamie to experiment with 70s music. Demographics are starting to move away from the big band and swing era to my music. Sorry not to offend anyone older than 60 but we seem to be always falling towards marketing to your age group.

Best Show: Don’t miss “A Ticket to Ride” a tribute to the Beatles. Amazing considering the size of the stage. Great choreography, music and production values. Excellent music by the Carnival Freedom Orchestra. John tell Roger Blum that the decision to keep the orchestras on Carnival ships is the correct one. It keeps the shows real and they have soul which the audience feeds off of.

Highlights: Meeting Captain D’Aita on the Behind the Fun tour. I highly recommend this tour. Lots of goodies and lots of information. Carnival provides you with a picture of yourself with the Captain and group pictures on the bridge and at the ship’s bell.

Captain D’Aita is a smaller man but he carries himself that demands respect. He is the Master of the ship. The ten or so minutes we spent with him has made me a fan of him. He knows the sea, and loves his ship. I was overwhelmed with the technical knowledge that he and his crew have for navigation! Watching his crew interact with him you can see the respect and admiration they have him. I think he is amused by Felipé and I am sure the Captain certainly is even a good mentor for a CD too!

The Captain’s Mess you would think would be an ornate affair for the Executive officers of the ship but no. It is a no nonsense smallish room. The captain has his TV opposite of him at the head of the table. His olive oil sits in front of his plate. The Chief Engineer sits opposite at the other head of the table and he too has his own TV and remote!

Fernando our Maiter D’ was great! He was able to provide us a window table for our second cruise on the B2B in the same section as our Head Waiter, Herman. Fernando made every effort to meet all the diners in the Chic (pronounced Sheik) dining room.

Herman was our dashing Head Waiter. His pacing of our courses was impeccable. We were never rushed and each course came at an appropriate time. He never interrupted conversation. At dinner one night, my sister-in law requested her steak rare. Later Herman came back chuckling because he said he had to explain in his Indonesian accented English to the Chinese cooks that rare meant RAW. He said that they didn’t quite understand him when he said medium rare and rare. We were all having steak at our table! The steaks came out perfect as was all food whether it came from the dining room or the buffet line. We didn’t get a chance to go to the Steakhouse which was unfortunate as we did last year on the Liberty.

Things that can be improved: Avoid using the 70’s Disco for the Shopping talk and for the Art Auction. The room has too many pillars and the lounging chairs don’t lend themselves to a comfortable experience.

If there was ever a chance for a small do-over in terms of design, I would suggest Joe Farcus look at replacing the Statue of Liberty sconces on the wall in the Freedom Restaurant. I think it was a good idea but they just look a bit cheesy and eerie.

Nice touch: Hotel Director, Jose Pisa, gave my wife and I as well as the couple we were travelling with a bottles of Champagne and Fruit baskets. Thanks Jose!

There is sooo much more that I could write about. I would highly recommend the Carnival Freedom and would be more than happy to sail with Felipé or Jamie Frasier as CD’s.

Thanks John for the opportunity to share this review. Our next cruise we are contemplating the Carnival Miracle and an itinerary to two ports we are really wanting to see, Aruba and Curaçao!

Mark from Alberta

John Says:
Hello Mark from Alberta

This is a superb review and before I forget, yes Jamie and Felipe are indeed part of the new metrosexual brigade and need to be smacked around with a frying pan. You review summed up what is so brilliant about our product and what a wonderful crew, led by Captain D’Aita, the ship has been blessed with. I have sent your comments to the ship and the shoreside management and I wanted to congratulate Felipe especially who is definitely one of our rising stars. So, thanks again for this great review and I hope it won’t be too long before we see you onboard a fun for all ship again.

Best wishes

Clair Asked:
Hi John, (please reply)

To answer your question, yes people complaining in the hopes of getting free stuff happens frequently in the hotel industry. In past careers, I was a Rooms Manager for a major hotel chain as well as “for the mouse” and at both companies we had guests who would complain about anything (not liking the carpet, etc.) all in the hopes of either getting something for free.

My husband and I will be on our Carnival Dream on April 10th (cabin# 8340). I was wondering if you would be able to help us in getting a table for 2 for at dinner. Any assistance is much appreciated!

You tease us about news coming tomorrow morning. Looking forward to whatever it might be.

John Says:
Hello Clair

Thanks for the words of support and I have asked the Maitre D Pablo on the Carnival Freedom (which strangely has been heavily featured in today’s blog thingy) to help with your dining request. Have a fun cruise.

Best wishes to all

Debbie Boudreaux Asked:
Hi John! Please reply

I have been reading your blog thingy off & on for over a year now. Last year my sister & I gave our parents a cruise for their 50th anniversary. We sailed on the Conquest & fell in love with her…that is except for daddy. He had a sinus infection & was kinda a stick in the mud. So we were SHOCKED when he suggested we cruise again.(Woo Hoo!!) So we booked the Conquest again, even the same cabins we had last year. In choosing our cruise dates, we had to make sure it was before Mahaw season, as Daddy has 300 trees to tend to. So, long story (isn’t it) short, we chose March 28, and if I read the cruise director list correctly, you will be our cruise director? (I am so excited!!)If so, I think I can twist Mamas arm into furnishing you with a half pint of (award winning) Mayhaw jelly, that is if you are interested.

See ya soon
Debbie Boudreaux

John Says:
Hello Debbie Bourdeaux

I am so happy to read that you will be joining me for my first ever time as CD here on the Carnival Conquest. I am already chomping at the bit to get going and I promise you lots of fun. Please drop me a note at the Guest Services Desk when you arrive with your parents stateroom number would you and maybe a few words of love for them so I can read it at my Morning Show. You might also want to explain what the heck “Mahaw Season” is? Anyway, I would like to send them something so please leave me a “Dear John” letter.

See you soon and best wishes to all.

Jeanette Asked:
Please Reply

Canada and Hockey

Hockey is a Canadian sport and we love it as much as love our maple syrup. Our Stanley Cup finals can be much, much, much more intense than any Super bowl game. I remember when my home city’s team was in the playoffs practically everyone (in a city of around a million) was watching the game, me included.

Fighting in hockey has been there forever and ever and will never go away. It is a very fast, energetic game and sometimes some players just **** well deserve to be beaten to a pulp……Usually it is the team enforcers job, or was his job.

I recall one NHL game where there was a bench clearing brawl and the whole arena (15000+) were cheering. I also remember a junior game Canada vs. Russia where a total bench (coach included) brawl broke out (the coaches were trying to pull the players off others to help the referees….50+ players and only three officials, they needed help…I was a teenager and had a full size newspaper spread of that photo on my wall cuz it was one hell of a bench clearing brawl..

Football is much more violent as the whole idea of the game is to prevent the other player of scoring by viciously taking out the player in a hard, high-speed tackle. It also happens the whole length of the game. One or two fist fights in a hockey game arte nothing…most of the times they didn’t even land many good punches….

PS John–booked the Liberty for September with hopes my hot Lithuanian will be on the ship as maitre’d–you know which one…tall bald, and oh my….

John Says:
Hello Jeanette

Great description of hockey and I can understand why it is so popular but fail to understand why such a calm, peaceful country like Canada loves the blood and guts of a hockey game. Your wish for your dream boat maitre d has been noted. I hope your wishes come true.

Best wishes to all

That’s all for today and thanks for the large number of comments that are being sent each and every day. They make enjoyable reading and are so very important. Please use this blog to express your opinions and if you need help please let me know.

I know many of you love to keep up with the building of new ships and of course Holland America always allows us such great access behind the scenes in the ship yard. Please have a look at this link thingy which includes 3 great videos of the float out ceremony, the breaking of the champagne and how a New York taxi found its way onboard. Here is the link:


Well, here we are in Montego Bay, Jamaica and the weather is a beautiful and sunny 84 degrees. Later this morning I will take a walk down the pier and back. I have no logical reason to do this except my wife says it is not healthy to stay onboard and not get off in the ports of call as I have a tendency to do of course. I am also not in the mood either having just listened on line to our Chancellor (Finance Minister) Alistair Darling deliver his budget……..which basically says that the British economy is buggered for another year. Anyway, let’s move away from what that and onto something much, much more blog worthy.

We start with a photo of the stunning lobby here on the Carnival Conquest which I must say along with that on your Carnival Dream is my new favourite. Here it is.

Beautiful isn’t it?

Now, I mentioned that not to many people new mere here as I have never actually sailed out of Galveston and unlike Florida-based ships that I have been able to walk around without too many people recognizing me………which I have to admit has been quite nice. However, that stopped yesterday when I met Ken Madden who is about a nice a guy as you could meet and is the co- owner of the Cruise Planners travel agency based in Searcy, Arkansas.

This week he has 800 families and high school graduation groups sailing across the Carnival fleet including a large group on the Carnival Conquest. Ken and his family are big readers of the blog and told me whenever they have clients come into the office to enquire about a Carnival cruise they play my bedtime story video from 2002 on the Carnival Triumph. Ken made me feel so proud when he told me that I was “their biggest advertising tool for the fun a Carnival cruise can bring.”………..I said, “Bollocks to the fun, where’s my commission?”

Seriously though it is great to know that they are doing this and Ken is one of those guys who truly loves his job, truly loves providing them with the best cruise vacation and that’s why his agency won Carnival’s converted silver award for agency of the year. I was honoured (spelt correctly) to meet them and here I am with some of his group in a photo taken last night in the deck 3 atrium lobby.

Well, it was bound to happen and as always on these handover thingies I officially became bored yesterday. I knew it was time to get on with being a CD when I found myself at the past guest reception yesterday watching myself on that video we play. Four more days to go and that’s it ………….I am never doing a handover ever again. I sign on the ship and start work…….the end!

I know that smoking has been a subject that we have been talking about here on the blog thingy for the last few days and I am going to add my opinion here………..just mine……….not Carnival’s maybe. Having just returned from my Carnival Dream I must admit that I can see why the mostly non-smoking casino has been so popular. It’s not a non-smoking casino here and there is a big difference to the ummmm…..aroma here on the Carnival Conquest’s casino compared to that of your Carnival Dream. And while I think the piano bar has to be one area of entertainment which smokers can enjoy there is no doubt that the outside area of The Lanai is priceless for both non smokers and smokers alike.

OK, let’s get back to our test to see if your partner is the right one to take on a cruise. This time we ask the question “Is your lady the perfect cruise partner? “

1. You are shopping in downtown St. Thomas. She has traipsed you around three jewelry stores. It’s 88 degrees and you are sweating like Tiger Woods after playing 18 holes. Does he see this and say:

a) One more store darling and that’s it I promise. And when you get back to the ship we can have rumpy pumpy and you can spend as much much money as you want in the casino and when you get back to the cabin I will be wearing stockings and suspenders and we can have rumpy pumpy again and………..you can even call me Megan.

b) Oh look. Diamonds International. We have to go there and then oh my goodness they have a Chanel store. I must have a new Chanel dress and you can tell me if my arse looks big in it.

c) Oh darling, you are sweating so much. Well, go and stand with the other men outside the store, hold hands and sing cumbaya. Just give me your credit card first you bastard.

2. You have hired a jeep in Cozumel and are lost. Does she say.

a) Right, I am going to let you drive around aimlessly for another 10 minutes just to satisfy your ego and then we will stop and ask that nice Mexican man where the hell we are shall we?

b) I told you we should have listened to that chubby cruise director with the funny accent and just taken a ship excursion you ignoramus. That’s no rumpy pumpy for you for a month.

c) It’s my fault darling. I should have done better in school in Spanish and map reading. Tell you what, pull over onto that deserted beach and let’s frolic naked in the sand.

3. It’s your birthday. You have said that you don’t want any fuss. Does she:

a) Buy you the penthouse suite on your Carnival Dream.

b) Arrange a Dear John letter of birthday wishes to be read out live on the big screen and then sing Happy Birthday to you naked while handing you a birthday gift….. which is a solid gold plastic trophy from the cruise director.

c) Buy you a book called Why All Men Are Bastards and a DIY DVD collection called “How to Put Shelves Up.”

4. You take your lady to the Steakhouse, buy her flowers from the Celebrations shop and walk around the ship’s open decks under the stars. Does she say:

a) That was a wonderful evening honey. Now as a reward would you like to go to the casino, have rumpy pumpy or both

b) As the dessert arrives she tells you that she has eaten so much that she has a headache and needs to go back to the cabin to lay down and watch America’s Next Top Model.

c) Trust you to take me for a 5 course meal this good that only costs $30 you cheap bastard. And by the way, you ate that entire porterhouse and all the wasabi mashed potato and you say MY arse looks big in this dress you fat sod.

5. You have returned to your cabin after a wonderful night of shows, great food and Carnival style fun. You are in your Carnival Comfort Bed and you start playing with her hair and kissing the back of her neck. Does she

a) Oh you stud muffin………..put the “Snoozing” sign out so Putu doesn’t disturb us. This is going to be the night of your life. Let’s go out on the balcony and have rumpy pumpy ……….but let’s not fall over board like we did on that other cruise line.

b) OK, but hurry up and don’t mess my hair up I just had it done at the Cloud Nine Spa

c) She shouts “Get off me I have a headache” puts on her eye mask and her ear plugs and wraps her cotton burka style pajamas in barbed wire……. turns over and starts snoring.

Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.