Hair Guitar

April 30, 2010 -

John Heald

My Morning Shows are a very important part of what I do as a CD. On the Destiny-class ships the only live feed comes from the Circle C room which means I have to read out dozens of letters while seated on a couch designed for kids which in turn means its three inches off the ground and covered in boogers.
(more…)

The Root Of The Problem

April 29, 2010 -

John Heald

Bugger. I was having a really good morning until a few minutes ago. It was just me, my cup of early morning tea, a bagel smothered with cream cheese and my underpants when I sat down to read my 71 e-mails and noticed at the top of my list was my ticket to Mobile, Alabama …………… and the bugger was because I have to fly again………..in economy!
(more…)

Feeling Horny

April 28, 2010 -

John Heald

I am at the best of times a news junkie of massive proportion and after checking my e-mail the first post poo thing I do is check the news. I read both the BBC and CNN websites and have CNN International playing in the cabin 24 hours a day. It is especially important to me now as we are a few days away from a general election where hopefully the British people will see sense and tell our Susan Boyle lookalike of a Prime Minister to bugger off. However, it looks like there is no clear favorite at the moment and that’s not good. And so I crave news and I must admit ….. and I say this respectfully………..I miss the BBC and Sky news stations.
(more…)

BC4, Aliens And The Seascream Theatre

April 27, 2010 -

John Heald

I don’t believe it!

Guest: Mr. ———-Ref: 830301379A
Cabin: ____Booking#: ______Added-Changed: 04/26/10 – 04/26/10

DID NOT LIKE CRUISE DIRECTORS JOKES
Guest called the GSD from his cabin to say that he wanted to make a complaint about the Cruise Director. Guest said that at the presentation on the ports this morning he made lots of jokes and guest he wanted information not jokes. Guest then said that we should not be showing the ship movie Poseidon on the big screen as it is not appropriate.

Tasked to Cruise Director

(more…)

John, Stop Crying You Big Girl

April 26, 2010 -

John Heald

In just two days time it will be Heidi’s birthday and I still haven’t even begun to start thinking about what I’m going to buy her. I have been sitting here since debarkation finished yesterday surfing the internet online shopping thingies for something that I can get a bloke to deliver to our house on Wednesday morning.

I’m a wigwam and I am a teepee…….in other words…….I am too tents……get it…two tents….too tense?…bloody hell even my jokes have been affected by my inability to choose Heidi and gift.
(more…)

A Sign of the Times

April 23, 2010 -

John Heald

Yesterday, I spoke about the changes that I have seen over the years and another one is staring me right now in the face. It’s 12:35am and I sit here, in my underpants, unable to sleep with 88 emails sitting in my in box thingy. How can this be?

I used to think that computers and laptop thingies were labour-saving devices but that is bollocks ……………..because they have become work generating machines.
(more…)

Rules, Cowboys and Lists

April 22, 2010 -

John Heald

Today is Earth Day and all the cruise directors have been asked to say the following over the PA system.
(more…)

Rule Breton……..Breton Rules The Waves

April 21, 2010 -

John Heald

Yesterday we were at sea and according to the Capers there were a total ………oh bugger …………….. according to the Fun Times there was a total of 63 activities, 4 shows and a deck party to enjoy. So, lots do then right?

Nope.
(more…)

Insurance And Sharks

April 20, 2010 -

John Heald

Because of the farting Icelandic volcano Heidi has been trying to work with Easy Jet to see what she has to do to get her Mum back to Holland and of course it all has to do with those two dreaded words………………….”travel Insurance.”
(more…)

Boston Illegal

April 19, 2010 -

John Heald

For some reason I woke up at 5:10 am this morning and for the life of me I could not get back to sleep. And so, here I sit in my underpants and the clock on the computer is saying 5:38 am …………..bugger. I will try again in a moment but I had a quick thought that I wanted to share with you. On Friday I wrote about the perils of the “pirate excursion operators” that can be found all over Europe and as we are going back there next year………….volcanic ash permitting……….I suddenly had it in my mind to warn readers who will be joining me on the Carnival Magic about another scam that I used to warn guests about during our seasons there on Carnival Liberty, Carnival Freedom and Carnival Splendor………………the ATM scam.
(more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.