Rule Breton……..Breton Rules The Waves

April 21, 2010 -

John Heald

Yesterday we were at sea and according to the Capers there were a total ………oh bugger …………….. according to the Fun Times there was a total of 63 activities, 4 shows and a deck party to enjoy. So, lots do then right?

Nope.

Guest: Mrs. ——–Ref: ______
Cabin: _____ Booking#: ______Added-Changed: 04/20/10 – 04/20/10

C – – GUEST STATES THERE IS NOTHING TO DO
Mrs._____– came to the GSD and said that she was bored and that there were no activities for her to do. GSA showed her the Fun Times and guest said that there had been more to do on her Royal Caribbean cruise. GSA called Assistant Cruise Director Bonnie for assistance.

I spoke with Mrs.________ and she did not want to attend any of the shows or planned activities, trivia’s or fun stuff. I asked her what she wanted and after telling me how she enjoyed other cruise lines more than Carnival she asked me for a jigsaw puzzle and I gave her a 1,000 piece jigsaw of Mount Rushmore. I will check with her again every day.

Thanks
Bonnie

So, she didn’t want to see my Marriage Show or pool games or super trivia or afternoon karaoke or the wine tasting or art auction seminars. She didn’t want to go to bingo, the game show, laser tag, name that tune or learn how to take great photos at our digital photo workshop. She poo pooed the idea of taking part in the Scavenger Hunt of laughing at the Men’s Knobby Knees contest and there was no way she was going to the deck party or the Carnival Legends auditions ……all she wanted………all that we had to do to make her happy…..was give her a sodding jigsaw.

I didn’t know people did jigsaws anymore. I remember I bought my nephew one a few Christmas ago of Spiderman and I thought my the 7 year old nephew would enjoy it as he was really into Spiderman………..ummmm……..wrong.

“A jigsaw, what’s that?” said my nephew.

“Oh, you spend a couple of weeks putting all the pieces together so you end up with a picture.” I replied

“Then what happens?” he asked.

“Well, you break it up again and put it back in the box.”

“Why didn’t you buy me Zombie Death Monsters 3?”

If he had known or understood the words “bugger off” I am sure that’s what he would have said.

I understand why some find jigsaws boring as it’s much the same story with crosswords. If people with beards could harness the brainpower spent every day on trying to find the answer to 18 across “ugly Norwegian will not float your boat ” (4 letters) then maybe mankind might have invented a jet engine that can fly through volcanic ash or a pair of self cleaning underpants.

Jigsaws and crosswords are from a bygone era. It is nice to think that we all have time to do a jigsaw or a crossword but the reality is that we have a heart attack if the stop lights stay red for too long or the elevator doors fail to close the instant we’re ready to go.

Answering-machine messages are the thing that gets my blood pressure up. We now have answering messages on the cabin phones in all the crew cabins and this drives me crazy. I want a name and a number, and that’s it. I don’t have time to sit and listen to where you’ll be at 5 pm tonight and who you’ll be seeing and why you need to talk before then. And even if I do pick up the phone personally, I don’t want a chat. I’m a man. I don’t do chatting. Say what you have to say and bugger off.

And this is why Heidi and I will never ever agree on movies either. She likes those where the characters spend hours developing the plot where as I would rather watch everyone get hosed down by a helicopter gunship and where the action stops only while our hero has a bit of rumpy pumpy…………….. with a Latvian.

Anyway, we will keep an eye on this guest and do all we can to make sure she is not bored. I should have spoken to her myself but I still have this sodding cold and used that as an excuse not to. My head is a little better today but my nose is blocked up so I sound wonderful and have bugger all sense of smell. If Heidi were here she would tell you that my sense of smell is always questionable and that I can never smell my own bodily odors, an overflowing garbage bin or a blocked sink yet I become a sniffer dog when there she is cooking dinner. By the way, do you know I have never seen the house fairies, you know, the one that does all the washing up and laundry and that takes the garbage out and replenishes stocks. …………strange that.

Time for today’s questions………..let’s crack on.

Tim Robinson Asked:
PleaseReply

Hi John, I met you on the Conquest this last week in a doorway by Henri’s Disco. We talked a few minutes about the M&M we had the day before. Just wanted to let you know I did notice there was not much happened on Saturday. I understand you are busy but do want to thank you for at least talking with me. It was a pleasure. I would also like to say that Nate is Carnival. He is the one person who made our cruise so much fun! Please tell Nate again we do appreciate all his hospitality and the fun times we had with him….I will always consider Nate a friend! I also enjoyed the Carnival Legends Show…Nate will explain.

John Says:
Hello Tim Robinson

I am very impressed with Nate. He is exactly what we look for in our entertainment staff. I am glad we got to meet and that you had fun and thanks for taking the time to write about Nate, I will make sure he gets to see your words of praise. I understand you will be back with a big Cruise Critic group soon so please let me know if you would like me to organize a meet and greet.

Best wishes
John

Jeff D. Asked:
Please reply

Hi John, we are Platinum cruisers who seem to miss you each time we book. We just missed you on the Liberty, Freedom and Dream in their inaugural seasons. However, we have booked the Magic for August 2011 and hope that you will be joining us then. If not, we may start to believe it is something personal!

Anyway, I am an everyday reader of the blog but thought our recent experiences in Jamaica might be interesting to some readers.

Prior to our March cruise on the Liberty this year, we had only visited Jamaica once – on our first cruise to Montego Bay four year ago. We were a little put off by the experience of pushy taxi drivers and vendors and, like many, ascribed to the theory that Jamaica was an unsavoury (spelt correctly) destination.

However, during our port stop in Ocho Rios this year we got a true flavour (spelt correctly) of the country and its people. Yes, people did ask us repeatedly if we needed a ride. I stopped and talked to one driver and in a lengthy conversation he admitted that the US dollar was the driving force behind the theatrics and salesmanship but that he and many others really had a passion to make sure that tourists got a true feel for their beautiful island. I developed a new respect for these locals and appreciated their candor. Even in rejection they were cordial and wished us a pleasant stay in their homeland. One guy went as far to say in his signature Jamaican accent that the cruise lines wanted an “arm and a leg” for their tours. He simply wanted a fingernail and he would give me a Band-Aid.

We finally decided on our course of action for the day and went to Dunn’s River Falls, shopping and back to Margaritaville. It was the best port of our cruise and one of the most naturally beautiful places we have been. I would have to agree with you that people are missing out on a spectacular, authentic experience if they choose to sit out these Jamaican ports.

Hope to see you on the Magic!
Jeff D.

John Says:
Hello Jeff D

I think this might be fourth time lucky and I will have the honour (spelt correctly) of seeing you on the Carnival Magic. I want to thank you for taking the time to write about Jamaica. I know that it can be a little disconcerting at times having people try and sell you everything from a taxi ride to a wooden carving of a penis……….but it is as you said, a wonderfully colourful and stunningly beautiful place.

Thanks you for spelling flavour correctly and for being such an avid blog reader. I am very grateful.

Best wishes to you and the family
John

John R Asked:
Hi John, (Please reply)

I have to say that your Kye is just such a beautiful little girl. Are you sure you’re her father?

I was wondering if you actually manage to have the time to read all of the posts on the blog or do you just read the “please reply” posts?

Glad to hear that Carnival is making some positive changes with the comment cards as well as the photos.

Keep up the great blog and cannot wait to find out when BC4 will be – so hoping I can squeeze it in!

Regards,
John R

John Says:
Hello John R

I often look at Kye and wonder if indeed I am her Dad……..but then I look in her diaper and realize that she is her father’s Daughter.

I read every single comment………what I tend to is look at a blog I have written 2 days after the fact because by then the 343 Stephanies have posted the relevant comments to the blog thingy. It’s 8:15am and I have just read the comments for the blog called Boston Illegal. It is very important that I read the comments. They are the lifeline of the blog and it is important to read what people are saying and for me to forward relevant suggestions and concerns to those with beards in the Miami office.

Keep reading the blog and there will be news on BC4 soon.

Best wishes to all
John

Mike & Denise Dick Asked:
Hi John,

I can’t believe I just found your blog about a month ago. I love it! We are celebrating our 25th anniversary on May 11 by sailing on the Carnival Dream on the 8th. We’ve been saving for this a long time and have reserved a balcony cabin (7C)! We can’t wait. We love Carnival. We tried the “royal” one three years ago and there is absolutely no comparison. Carnival beats them all the way from the food to Bingo. lol

I feel bad for the squabbling couple but more for the other guests! Mike and I may argue some, but never to that extent. I guess after 25 years, you realize what is important and what mostly isn’t.

Please keep up the good work and I can’t wait to read more. This is my first reply but expect more. I hope to meet you in person someday!

Please reply.
Denise

John Says:
Hello Mike & Denise Dick

I am very glad you found the blog thingy and congratulations on sailing on your Carnival Dream for your special anniversary marking 25 years of togetherness. Everyone argues, that’s life. But it’s how you resolve the argument and how quickly into the argument that you realize that the person you are screaming at and that the person who is screaming at you is the person who you love. It is amazing though how quite a few couples on our ships make their arguments extremely public. I will be sending you a little anniversary gift.

Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes
John

Wendy Jackson Asked:

Hi to all! I have been on a couple cruises myself and have finally convinced my husband and two teenage children to go at Christmas time. It will be their first time. They really wanted to go to Belize, so we are looking at two different ships. The Legend out of Tampa and the Valor out of Miami. We live in Texas but the Conquest doesn’t go to Belize. My daughter is 15 and my son is 14. Which ship would everyone recommend? And since my two kids are close in age, would they be allowed to be in the same kids club?

John Says:
Hello Wendy Jackson

Belize is a great place and may I suggest you take the family cave tubing; it will be something they will never forget. It’s a tough choice but I am going to go with the Carnival Valor. I love the kids’ facilities there and the big screen on lido will also be a great addition during the Christmas holidays. We have to be very strict about what age we allow kids to attend the 3 different age groups but please can you remind me nearer the time of sailing and as they are brother and sister I will certainly ask the youth director about this.

Have a look at www.carnival.com/valor and if you have any further questions please let me know here on the blog thingy.

Best wishes to you all
John

Zabnee Asked:
Please reply

Dear John, I’ve just recently found out about your blog thingy, and find myself checking for new posts often! Keep up the wonderful updates on your thoughts and the happenings going on around in our great ol’ world of Carnival! My husband and I will be sailing on our Dream in June to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary, and we are both looking forward to it greatly!

Last we sailed was on the Triumph in January of 2006, and I do believe that you were our CD then. I’m sure that Todd will come close to your antics, and we look forward to enjoying our time on our Dream!

John Says:
Hello Zabnee

Welcome to the blog thingy. It is always great to say hello to new readers and thanks so much for taking the time to write. You will love your Carnival Dream. From the Ocean Plaza to the Pasta Bar and from Dancin in the Street to the Comedy Club the ship and her crew will provide you with the very best vacation. I was indeed the CD on the Carnival Triumph in 2006 and maybe one day we can sail together again soon. Why not come and see me in Europe on the Carnival Magic in 2011?

Until then, have a brilliant time on your Carnival Dream.

Best wishes to all
John

Gonzo Asked:
John Reply please

How do you skip the dreaded emergency drill? I’m sick of going to those life boat drills every time I cruise. Has anyone here ever skip it? How did you do it? (I get claustrophobic with so many people in such a small area).

Thanks

John Says:
Hello Gonzo

I am going to hope that this is a joke and that you are not serious? If you are, I apologize but I am just shocked that anyone would ask me this and expect me to tell you. I guess the only way for you to skip the safety drill is for you to not take a cruise. I realize that it can get a little claustrophobic at the muster station but surely knowing how to save your life in a real emergency is worth that 15 minutes of feeling a little uncomfortable……………..isn’t it?

Each and every state room is checked by the stateroom stewards and anyone found not attending will be asked to do so after we sail. Remember, the drill is held within the requirements of international maritime law and under United States Coast Guard regulations. So, unless you can fit in the safe………..we are going to find you.

Best wishes
John

Brett Romano Asked:
***John Please Reply***

First I would like to say I really enjoy your blog thingy! I am also in the hospitality industry and we have morning meetings with all of the staff …. We have incorporated your blog into our meetings as we feel we can relate! You are a funny chap!

I will be sailing on the Dream on 4/17/10 with my partner for his 30th birthday. I have called several times to inquire about getting an upgrade. I know at the hotel that I work at they will upgrade based on availability … or offer a small upgrade fee. I have not had any luck with calling carnival. It’s been a nightmare!!!

Is there anything you can do to help me? I’m really stressed about this. Thank you

John Says:
Hello Brett Romano

Good morning to you and your staff. It is a true honour (spelt correctly) that so many of you are looking at my thingy first thing in the morning. Please don’t be stressed as upgrades are unfortunately a rare commodity at Carnival. My Cruise Critic mates call the person that calls “the upgrade fairy” and he or she occasionally calls our past guests and Platinum card holders who are people who have been on 10 cruises or more. Anyway, I know you are already on the ship and I have no idea if you got upgraded but I do know you are having fun and enjoying your Carnival Dream.

Please write back when you get home and let us all know about your cruise.

My best wishes to you and your partner and your work colleagues
John

Jackie Grayson Asked:

John, please inform me of what the problem seems to be on the Triumph. I am sailing on her for the first time Aug 21st and am very concerned about all the negative posts that have been on the Funville pages lately, Picked the Triumph because I have decided it is easier to drive to the ports (Not to mention less expensive since I have to pay for all those bags) and have done the Ecstasy twice and the Conquest once mainly because I live in Houston and it is so easy. So picked the Triumph for a change and also a chance to spend some time in New Orleans before the cruise. Have also sailed on the Sensation and many years ago the Jubilee. You remember the Jubilee don’t you? Also on a couple of sailings on other cruise lines, I won’t mention the names because I came back to Carnival because they were not as much FUN!!! Now don’t get me wrong I am going on this cruise and no matter what I am going to have Fun and nothing will stop me from that, just wondering if the beards at Carnival have been seeing these same posts as I and is it being addressed? I am going aft for the first time on this cruise and it will be Fun! Enjoy your time of the Conquest I will be back on this ship soon.

Sincerely Jackie Grayson

John Says:
Hello Jackie Grayson

Please don’t worry. I have not read the comments on Funville but I would like to remind you that for everyone negative there are many, many positives. The Carnival Triumph has always been a great ship and that the people who sail on her out of the Big Easy are a lot of fun. The new CD of the ship is “Big Sexy” who is a fantastic Cruise Director although he is about as sexy as toilet brush. Please remember that cruise reviews are opinions and that everyone has one. Some will be positive and one or two will not be. What you need to do is go onboard with an open mind ready to have the best cruise vacation of your life. You know Cruise Critic always has a fair balance of reviews and I thought you should have a look at what people are saying over there. Here is a link thingy and have a read of this still remembering that a cruise is what you make of it. So, please get ready for a brilliant time and that is exactly what you will have.

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/getreviews.cfm?action=ship&ShipID=148

If you have any more questions or concerns please let me know.

Best wishes
John

JIMC Asked:
John Please Reply-

Hey John, question for you. Has Carnival ever considered going to a paperless photo system? Instead of printing out a million dead trees worth of photos, invest in a card reader/marker system where the guests could have their sign and sail card swiped at the time the photo is taken. Then you could just have a couple of computers to display the images when a guest swipes their card. Guests could then order prints of whatever pictures they wanted. You could even tie it into the cabin menu/info system and let people see/order the photos on their cabin television.

Every cruise I go on I see piles of un-purchased photos stacked up. It seems a terrible waste. Going to a tagged photo system would save both the environment AND lots of money as well as free up space on the ship that is now used to put up pictures.

I have to believe it would be much less expensive for Carnival to only print out pictures that are wanted. You COULD pass on the savings to the guests (my wife would buy a lot more photos if the price was less than it is now) but even if you didn’t you could claim to be more environmentally friendly (at least until Greenpeace discovers the pile of dirty underwear you have in your cabin…).

John Says:
Hello JIMC

We do throw away the unwanted photos yet it seems that the current way guests have of finding and choosing the photos they want is still popular. However, you are also correct that times are changing and that is why we are currently looking at some other alternatives. I will make sure I keep you informed about this and if Greenpeace ever came to my cabin I am sure they would not be happy with the bio hazard that my underwear most certainly is.

My best wishes to you and your wife
John

JoAnn Paules Asked:
John – Please reply

My husband and I have been home for a couple of hours from our first cruise. We were on the Pride and we truly enjoyed ourselves.

I’d read several reviews beforehand, good and bad. Now that we’ve “been there, done that”, I’d like to say PBBBBBBBBBBBBT! To the naysayers.

No, the cruise wasn’t perfect. We had bad weather on our first and last sea days. Not Carnival’s fault. It rained a bit in Freeport. Not Carnival’s fault. We had good food (could have been a little hotter but feeding 2000+ guests is a challenge). We had absolutely delicious desserts – I blame that on Wellington Dias!

I took the “Behind the Fun” tour yesterday. What an eye-opening experience. Hats off to the crew for their hard work. They perform a job that I couldn’t and they do it 7 days a week. I enjoy my job (most of the time) but if I had to deal with my coworkers every single day for months at a time, I’d find myself a guest of the state. If I was lucky, I’d get to choose the color of my straightjacket.

We had a great time and are already talking about our next cruise. 🙂

John Says:
Hello JoAnn Paules

This is brilliant and the perfect antidote for Jackie’s post above who seems worried about a few negative comments about the Carnival Triumph. Thanks then for this honest and passionate review and I am so glad you took the Behind the Fun tour and that it gave you a wonderful insight as to what happens behind the crew only door.

I hope this will be the first of many Carnival cruises and I hope that maybe one day we will get to cruise together. Please let me know if you have questions when you come to plan cruise number 2.

Best wishes to all
John

DaveG Asked:
John –

I can’t figure out how to send you a message to ask you a question on this new-fangled contraption of yours, so I’ll try leaving it here.

Here’s the deal: the wife and I are scheduled for our first cruise EVAH, departing May 23rd on the Carnival Legend. As neither of us has cruised before, we’re in a conflict as to how to best maximize our time onboard the ship. As the 23rd is our 18th (hold on, gotta take off my shoes to make sure I counted that correctly… yup, 18) anniversary, I thought it would be nice to dine in the Steakhouse that evening. As it turns out, my cruise naivety was on exhibit; embarkation day is apparently quite hectic for you hard-working folks and the earliest reservation I could get was the 24th.

That’s not a problem in and of itself, but the back & forth communication with the very helpful cruise folks went to my home email and ruined the surprise. Since the cat was out of the bag, I suggested that we also make a reservation for our last night on the cruise since their will surely be something else on the menu that I wasn’t able to try the first time. She’s reluctant to do that, though, because she’s afraid that we might miss out on some fancy dinner in the main dining room. Her fear comes from a trip to the Grand Lido in Jamaica many years ago when we accidentally missed out on Lobster night. So, here’s the first of two questions regarding the main dining room:

– Do they have extra-special nights that we would be at risk of missing, or is every night pretty much the same?

My other question about main dining is one of seating arrangements. This being our anniversary cruise and myself already being somewhat in the dog house for somewhat carelessly laughing off her idea that we might renew our vows again (myself thinking something along the lines of a three strike rule), I was wondering if there is a way for us to be assigned to a smaller table where we can be a little more alone with each other rather than at a bigger, more crowded table.

Ok, fine. You got it out of me. I’m a reclusive hermit in training. Either way…

Thanks for your consideration, and if this is not the way to get a message to you, well, it was still fun trying to work with this blog thing.

John Says:
Hello DaveG

Just before I answer your questions I have to ask you one……….what’s EVAH?

You have chosen a great ship for your first cruise. I had the honour (spelt correctly) of bringing out the Carnival Legend from new in 2002 and she has always been one of my most favourite vessels. Let’s look at the itinerary.

As you can see I have added the elegant nights so you can see when they are. Every night in the dining room is special although the ever popular lobster is served on the first of the elegant nights. I have added my two favorite nights to dine in the Steakhouse as well so maybe you might want to change your reservation which you can do online or once you are onboard. Please send me your full name and your state room number in the same way as you sent this posting and I will ask the Maitre D to help you with your table request.

Have a fantastic cruise.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today, there will be more Q and A tomorrow.

When you walk around the ship you see happy go lucky guests enjoying the fun for all atmosphere of a Carnival cruise. Yet, if you take the time to look behind the smiles there are stories, happy ones……………and some of very sad ones indeed…

So, Volcano Bastard’s farting saved someone from going to Paris…..they have no idea how lucky they are. And then there was the poor lady whose sad tale of the house fire really moved me.

I met Sandy after my marriage show and I have to admit that it was hard not to react when I saw the severe burns that had left a permanent memory of that terrible day on her face and arms. She told me how she had raced into the fire which had started in the kitchen yet………she could not save her. She cried as she told me……………… and I did my best to console her.

Yep, there is always a story and the morning show dedication seems to have become an outlet for those stories to be shared and a chance therefore for me……..to do all I can to make their cruise vacation extra special.

As I mentioned, I still have a cold and the last time I had a cold this bad I ended up with that sodding Bells Palsy thing and I would rather put my thingy in a blender and turn it on full power than have that again.  Anyway, I have been taking Nyquil which has given me recurring nightmares. The first is that I am having rumpy pumpy with a Latvian model when suddenly the curtain goes up and the showroom is full of people laughing hysterically………….and then I look down at my Latvian model to find that she has morphed into Judge Judy who winks at me, slowly and seductively licks her lips and then suddenly a knife appears and just as she is going to stab me I wake up………………..screaming.

The second is that I’m on a plane in a storm and both pilots have a heart attack (what are the chances?). A gorgeous stewardess (what are the chances?) rushes through the cabin asking if anyone knows how to fly a plane and, before I can stop myself, my hand shoots up.

Why I do this is unclear……….. Perhaps it’s because she’s Latvian…………….but the next thing that happens is that I’m sitting in the cockpit. At the exact moment the Latvian hostess (now naked and sitting on my lap for encouragement) realizes I have grossly exaggerated my flying abilities, we crash into the side of a mountain. I wake up………………screaming.

As you know, I hate flying and it used to bother me when I would board a plane and hear “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Patricia and I’ll be your captain today.”  Kidding, of course.  Flying a plane must involve fiendish multitasking and for that……..female pilots are clearly preferable.

It is now common place to have complete role reversals on planes. A lady captain and a male chief flight attendant…….notice I am ignoring the obvious jokes there. But in the world of cruising (as I think I wrote about a few months ago) change is some areas can be slower than a tortoise who has just smoked a palm tree.

But there is one cruise line in the corporation who is boldly going where no woman has gone before………….and I don’t mean Elton John’s bedroom.

Meet…………….  Sarah Breton, Captain of P &O’s beautiful Artemis.

And here is her story.

1,200 passenger ship Artemis is on a ‘maiden’ voyage of a different kind, as she set sail yesterday with P&O Cruises first female Captain, Sarah Breton, at the helm.

Captain Breton, from Essex, was officially welcomed as Master of the ship by P&O Cruises first female managing director, Carol Marlow. Marlow commented:

“We are delighted that Sarah Breton has been promoted to the role of Captain on board Artemis. Sarah has worked on board P&O Cruises ships for many years and truly deserves to be Master of Artemis. We wish her every success in her new role.”

Captain Sarah Breton said: “Growing up near the water I always loved boats and the ocean, so it really does fulfill a lifelong ambition of mine to be a Captain with P&O Cruises. It is made even more special to be Captain of the first cruise ship I ever served on, after joining P&O Cruises as third officer back in 1989.”

Sarah, now 45, has served on board Royal Princess (now Artemis), Sky Princess, Canberra, Pacific Princess (the original Love Boat), Grand Princess and Star Princess as third officer, second officer, navigator, first officer and safety officer. She was first promoted to staff captain in 2001 on the original Pacific Princess and then went on to serve onboard Coral Princess, Tahitian Princess, the new Pacific Princess, Artemis and most recently Ocean Village.

Captain Breton lives on the Essex Coast and when on leave spends her time in the garden, sailing – whenever the weather permits, and watching Six Nations rugby and Formula One motor racing.

One of the photos showed her with P&O President Carol Marlow who must be very proud of Captain Breton’s achievements as am I because she comes from my home county of Essex and lives about 20 minutes from where Heidi and I live. Maybe this will open the door for other female cruise ship captains and please join me would you in wishing Captain Breton calm seas and proud times at the helm of the good ship Artemis. I hope to meet my fellow Essex ship mate one day and wish her continuing success.

So, snotty nose and chesty cough aside all is going well and despite my frequent nose blowing the audiences at my shows this week have been brilliant…….just like last week. The weather has been superb and it looks like another beautiful day here in Montego Bay, Jamaica.

The worst part of this life on a cruise ship thing though is coming back to an empty cabin. I had a super show last night and the audience laughed their everything’s off…..but words cannot explain how awful it is coming back to an empty cabin……….I know I am probably boring many of you with this as I have said it time and time before…….but …….well……sometimes it’s hard you know.

It doesn’t make it any easier when nba.com tells you that not only did my precious Miami Heat lose to the Boston Bastards tonight……….they got their arses well and truly beaten. Sometimes it’s hard being a fan of a sports team isn’t it? I mean, look at what happened tonight. We lost 106 – 77. Why do we watch a bunch of overpaid nancy boys some with idiotic tattoos run around a court attempting to throw an inflated sheep’s pancreas into some netting?

They lost. They go home to their Lamborghinis and Latvians and I come home to an empty cabin unable to rejoice in a win for my team and instead suffer………alone.

Yet, we love our teams and in the morning we truly believe that they will be back and that they will win.

I’m a fan of the Miami Heat and we will win this series. The AmericanAirlines Arena is my church. The men who play there are my Gods and victory will be ours……..if they don’t win I am going to cry……….like a big girl. By the way…….a message to Jermaine O’Neal……..you played like total bollocks and if I was the coach I would trade you for Stevie Wonder!

Talking of girls…………..how about this comment

Guest: Miss ——–Ref: _______
Cabin: —- Booking#: _____ Added-Changed: 04/20/10 – 04/20/10

C – – PRICE OF TAMPONS TO HIGH

Guest came to the GSD and said that she had been charged $15 for a box of 20 Tampons which Miss___- said was too much. Guest said that 2 bottles of Bacardi was only $21. Guest said that the ship should have free tampons.

Tasked to Gift Shop Manager

Comparing Bacardi to tampons……………brilliant!

It has been a strange sort of blog. We have covered basketball, jigsaws, a female cruise ship captain, comedy, tragedy, emotion, and tampons…………how the heck do I finish a blog like this? Well, in an unusual way……………with a joke…………..you will see why.

So, there are three young boys aged around 9 years old. They are walking down the road when one sees a $5 bill lying there. He picks it up and gets very excited.

“Look” he says “I have found $5, let’s take the money and go see the Miami Heat play. We can watch the game and have hot dogs, it will be great.”

“Don’t be stupid” says the second little boy……..”You can’t get the three of us to go and see the Miami Heat for $5, that’s not enough money.”

So he takes the money and says “Let’s take the $5 and go to the movies. We can see the new Transformers vs. Hemorrhoids and have popcorn, it will be great.”

“Don’t be stupid,” says the third little boy……..”You can’t get the three of us in the movies for $5, that’s not enough money.”

So he takes the money and says “I know, we will take the $5 and we will buy a box of Tampax.”

The other 2 boys look at him and say “What?”

“Yes,” says the lad……..”I saw it on television. You buy a box of Tampax, you can go swimming, horse riding, skating, mountain climbing………….it’s a vacation……….in a box.”

Goodnight
Your friend
John

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.