I Swear!

May 5, 2010 -

John Heald

Just one more day and the UK has a new government…..or not as the case maybe. Sorry bloggers to keep writing about this as I know most of you couldn’t care less who the next British Prime Minister is despite the special relationship that the States and Canada have always had. A relationship which of course is based on the solid foundation and strong belief that the French are all cheese-eating surrendering bastards.

However, it seems that the current French President Mr. Sarkozy doesn’t think we have that special relationship anymore because the little sod described the UK as an “American Aircraft Carrier moored off the coast of Europe.” Obviously, having said that and being French he quickly went back to eating a nice frogs leg with a large white bed sheet ready to wave in the air should US Brits or Rhode Island decide to invade.

However, as much as I detest the jumped up little sod if you look at Gordon Brown’s recent trip to Washington, the poisoned dwarf would appear to be somewhat right. Gordon (aka Susan Boyle) gave Mr. President Obama a penholder carved from the timbers of an antislavery ship. The sister ship, in fact, of the one that was broken up and turned into the desk in the Oval Office that I wish President Bartlett was still sitting behind. Mr. POTUS, meanwhile, gave Prime Minister Brown The Graduate on DVD.

The Graduate………on DVD. Did he forget that he was coming and suddenly wake up and say “Damn and blast, that Scottish jerk is coming over and I haven’t gotten him a darn gift. What shall we get him?” He then probably called the secret service to pop over to the local Citgo station and grab a DVD and some 4 day old Lilacs for Mrs Brown.

And as a Brit I find no evidence of a special relationship every time I come to a ship in Miami or pretty much anywhere. There is no fast-track lane through immigration for visiting Brits just as there isn’t one for people with long flowing beards and ticking underpants. The United States Customs and Border Patrol officer always looks at me as if I’ve just chucked his tea into Boston harbour. And we have to answer questions about whether we have attended a terrorist training camp, just like everyone else.

Still, maybe now things will be different and our new Prime Minister will embrace Mr. Obama and that special relationship will be more ummm………..special then it is now. Actually, maybe us Brits need to be more friendly with the French. It doesn’t happen very often but the last time the Brits and French were all cuddly……………………the world got Concord.

So, good morning from the Carnival Fantasy and here I am, back in this lonely old conference room writing to all of you…….the people I certainly do have a special relationship with. It’s 8:50am and the ship is docked in Cozumel next door to our sister ship the Carnival Imagination as well as the Carnival Legend. Last night I watched the Nightclub Express show and had a walk around the ship listening to the live music. The band in the Cats lounge is sensational. They are called Music Makers ……………. OK…….not the most original name in the world but these four young Filipinos are the best band from this great country of musicians that I have seen in a long time. I watched them do a brilliant cover of Sweet Child of Mine by Guns and Roses before suddenly switching into a Neil Diamond medley that was superb. The place was packed as was the dance floor. We have a country guitar player called Wild Bill who looks like he will pull out a six shooter and pump you full of lead if you don’t tell him you like his music. Luckily he is very good and hasn’t had reason to draw yet.

Karaoke was also very busy and despite the fact that I would rather have a good session of water boarding than a good session of karaoke I forced myself to go look at the host and see what was happening. Again, it was packed. There was a great atmosphere and the audience cheered, screamed and applauded for every singer. I made it through Stand by Your Man and Beautiful Day by U2 and half way through How Can I Live Without You my ears, my teeth and my hemorrhoids started to bleed.  However, this was just the appetizer for the next guest who started singing a Bob Dylan song. Mr. Dylan is my 1,707th favourite recording artist, just after the famous Chinese rapper Fu King.

I hate his music and I’d never tire of flushing everything he’s written or recorded down the toilet. Even when old Bob is singing a happy song, he always manages to sound so bloody miserable. And when he’s being a miserable sod, which is usually, I can’t understand why he would want to inflict his bad mood on everyone else. If I want to feel miserable, I’ll look at myself naked in the mirror thank you very much.

The casino was also very busy and speaking to the Casino Manager it seems that it is the slots that are the most popular attraction with the Alabama Crowd. However, he also told me that because of the restrictions in casinos in the Alabama area that gaming such as roulette and blackjack are also favourite amongst the guests. One lucky chap two weeks previous to this had won a BMW in the casino. Obviously we didn’t have the car onboard but a BMW 3 series would soon be on his driveway.

Yep, there was a great atmosphere all along the Promenade Deck last night and the flow of the guests reminded me just why this class of ships is the most successful in the cruise industry. Obviously with the new upgrades they are even more so.

Now, here’s a problem. I need a Tom Tit (http://www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/slang/tom_tit). Should I pack up the computer, the leads and stuff and take it all with me to the cabin or leave it all here in the conference room hoping nobody steals it. Or…………..on a table sits an empty wine bucket which is looking pretty good right now. So, while I decide here are some Carnival Fantasy photos.

Made it to the cabin and the computer is still here. Actually I was hoping someone would steal the bugger because the cursor is still on crack and jumping around the screen causing me to swear every ten minutes. Anyway, time for today’s questions……………….off we go.

cruisin’lovebirds Asked:

Good morning John, I am writing to say that if you cannot clone yourself you should accept that fact and move along to your CD role that everyone enjoys so much: in one location per week! In good humour, the west coast residents wanted to cruise with you, the Alaskan cruisers did, the Galveston/New Orleans folks did, and so do we on the east coast. Everyone has to be somewhere, yourself included.

Gary and I are on the Carnival Inspiration May 27. We need nothing from you. Haha! We have been in George’s dining room in the past (OPA!) and we have always been placed with lively couples around our age at a table for 8 or 10. Hoping that Carnival takes good care of us again as we become Platinum!

We are celebrating after a graduation in December, a wedding in March, and another graduation in mid-May. A blessed year, followed by a casual cruise in May and our anniversary cruise on the Carnival Legend in September! Love the blig thingy. Chin up, pip pip.

John Says:
Hello Cruisin Lovebirds

That’s a great start to today’s blog thingy Q and A. Thanks for the kind words of support. It is not easy to please everyone all the time but hopefully the West Coast are happy that I am off out there this year. I hope you have a great time on the Carnival Inspiration and despite you not asking for anything I have asked the Maitre D to keep a special eye on you. It seems like you have a very special year full of celebration and we are as always thankful that as loyal Carnival guests you will be celebrating with us on our fun for all ships.

Have a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes

JIMC Asked:
John Please Reply

Don’t feel bad because of the comments on never having been a west coast cruise director. While I am sure you do have some influence on your assignments, they are just that….assignments! You go where the bearded ones think you will do the best for Carnival.

But having said that…. we happened to pick the Carnival Splendor for our 20th wedding anniversary cruise which will be the first cruise in August for the Splendor. If you do happen to get assigned to Splendor maybe we will actually get to cruise with you. It seems like we always miss you by a week or two. We have cruised with Todd at least 3 times (and believe me… it’s getting old 🙂  … just joking, Todd is a great CD.

We are keeping our fingers crossed!

John Says:
Hello JIMC

These days I have much more say in where I go and what ship I go to but this is only in the recent past. As you correctly said, I went where the bearded ones told me and they never told me to go to the west coast.

As you may have read I will be onboard during your cruise but unfortunately will not be the CD. Maybe…..maybe Goose will allow me to do a show but regardless I hope we meet and please leave me a note at the Guest Services Desk so that I know what stateroom you are in.

Have a great cruise and please let me know if you need anything at all.

Best wishes to all

Gary and Charlene Scheel Asked:
Dear John: (please reply)

We just returned home from our cruise on the Conquest. We had a marvelous time despite the fog.

Thanks so much for doing the “Bedtime Story”. We can’t wait to show our friends that were with us when we saw it the 1st time in 1993. It was funny then but even more hilarious this time around.

Also thank you for the surprise in our cabin. That was very thoughtful of you. This was our 7th cruise and we still say that you are the best of the best.

Thanks for everything especially the memories.

Gary and Charlene

John Says:
Hello Gary and Charlene

It was great seeing you and I am so sorry for the fog delay. Not to repeat myself but it was so frustrating as the port was closed and we could not move the ship despite the Captain feeling that he could safely do so. I hope the bedtime story DVD gives you lots more laughs in the future and thanks again for taking the time to write.

Hope to see you again soon

Best wishes to you both

Elizabeth Asked:
Hi John (please reply),

For every one bad comment you get, there are thousands of good ones you don’t get. Continue doing what you love and don’t let the bad one spoil the bunch!! I look forward to reading your blog every night when I get in bed on my raspberry, or crackberry as I like to call it. They are addicting!

My husband and I, along with our two kids (Mallory, age 5 and Michael, age 9) and in-laws are sailing on the Carnival Sensation on May 23. This will be my 4th Carnival cruise. Two years ago my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary on the Carnival Inspiration. After the cruise for two months I suffered from Mal de Debarquement syndrome, also know as disembarkment syndrome. I felt like I was rocking on a boat 24 hrs a day. It was a miserable feeling. Thankfully I had a doctor that was familiar with it, as many are not. Knowing that this upcoming cruise could very well be my last, as I don’t know if it will happen again, I wanted to bring the kids along with us. They both are very excited about getting to go on a cruise. They are wonderful children who deserve it. I was wondering if you could send them a personalized note to our cabin. That would tickle them to death.

May 23, Carnival Sensation

Thanks so much!

John Says:
Hello Elizabeth

Thank you for the support which is greatly appreciated and I am slowly learning not to take negative comments here on the blog to heart. My goodness………….I have never heard of such a thing and can only imagine how miserable this affliction must have been for you. I hope you are back to normal now and of course I would love to send the kids a little something. I hope you all have smooth sailing and I am sure many of the bloggers here will be asking Uncle Google for more information on this subject.

Have a great cruise and best wishes to you all.


Juan & Maria Santana Asked:
John, please reply

Hi, John! Just a brief note to let you know that tomorrow, April 11 we are leaving for Europe for a month and that on April 30 we’ll be boarding the Costa Concordia in Barcelona for a one-wk. cruise. The Concordia will take us to Marseille, France; Savona, Naples/Capri & Palermo in Italy; and Palma de Mallorca, Spain. We are also going to be doing a lot of traveling by train. We have to confess something to you: We are sailing out of Port Everglades to Europe tomorrow on one of the competition’s cruise ships… The main reason is that we are trying to avoid flying as much as possible. It has become a nightmare! Then, we’ll fly back to Miami on May 11 and we’ll let you know how everything went.

We’ll take our laptop & visit internet cafes along the way, so we’ll check on your blogs and e-mails. In the meantime, take care of yourself.

Kisses to Kye and regards to you and Heidi.
The Santanas of Miami Beach

John Says:
Hello Juan and Maria Santana

Just a quick note to say that I am hoping that you are having fun wherever in Europe you may be. I hope you both had a wonderful time and I also hope that you will tell us all about it.

Best Wishes to you both and thanks for the kind words for the girls.

terry rummler Asked:
Dear John, please reply

We are enjoying your blog. We were on the Dream in February and I sent you a letter about our 34th wedding anniversary and Knoxville. Thank you on reading it. We will be taking another Carnival cruise on the Freedom next February for our 35th. The main reason for taking this cruise is the excursion through the Panama Canal. We went there a few years ago and the excursion we cancelled on us, I hope this doesn’t happen again. Is there a way we can find out if this excursion is still going to be offered? We also had you as a cd on the Liberty in 2006. You are great! The one in February 2011 will be our 5th Carnival Cruise. We love them!

Also we noticed a blog about the photos on the Dream that they were doing something different with them. What is that since we didn’t notice a difference when we were on it? I know I don’t purchase a lot of photos as I don’t want the size they come in. Thank you so much.

John Says:
Hello Terry Rummler

I am happy to hear you are enjoying the blog and that you had such a wonderful time on your Carnival Dream. You will love the Panama Canal excursion and please make sure you book that as soon as you can as it does always sell out. It is planned to run as advertised and barring any unforeseen circumstances it should provide you with an unforgettable experience.

We are indeed making some changes to the way we sell photos and your Carnival Dream is the ship that some of these trials are being carried out on. As soon as we know what works and what doesn’t.  I will let everyone know here on the blog thingy.

I hope you had a wonderful anniversary cruise

Best Wishes

Katiel53 Asked:

I feel sorry for those who feel it is necessary to make you feel less worthwhile. Some people are just so negative and nothing really makes them happy, so they try to make others as unhappy as they are. Don’t let them get your down! I wish you were going to have your BC on Dream in April, but I know that isn’t going to happen. We are already booked for the back to back and won’t be able to go in February, but had we not already booked, we certainly would have gone with you. Oh well, perhaps the next year.

Back to the present we left for Kye. It was a red gift bag that was stapled closed by the Korean customer relations gentleman that handled Platinum cruisers. He, by the way, is a real sweetheart and helped my husband nightly by allowing his rental scooter to be parked in the guest relations “back room.” Anyway, I did write a note that was inside the bag and it contained two dresses for Kye. One is pink and one is white. As I mentioned previously, we left it on January 9 when we dropped the scooter off at Guest Relations and were told it would be given to you when you arrived the following week. I also wrote your name on the outside of the bag, if you didn’t get it, I am wondering if it is still inside the room. Please let me know if you did receive it or can track it down. Thanks so much.

John Says:
Hello Frank and Gerri

Oh bollocks! I never saw this gift bag and that makes me sad and somewhat angry. I will now carry out a full investigation as I really want Kye to have your kind gesture. I know the GSA from Korea to whom you refer and I know he is an excellent member of staff. I will check right now and hopefully find that it has just been misplaced. Thank you so much and I will be in touch soon.

Best wishes and thanks one more time

AllieGator Asked:
Dear John, Please Reply

My mother & I will be on the Sensation Oct 3rd. This will be my 3rd Carnival cruise, but Mom has never cruised before. She wanted Royal Caribbean, but I talked her out of it!! She asked me to book the cheapest inside cabin possible. I told her that I did, but actually booked a nice Ocean view. It will be a nice surprise for her in what I’m sure will be her first of many cruises to come. She deserves it!

Sorry, I am babbling…on to my question…

I have chosen the Our Time Dining. Are there tables for 2 in that area? I have read peoples reviews and have heard yes & no. I know she would prefer just us 2.

Thank you for your time, I am still finding my way around your blog thingy!!!

John Says:
Hello AllieGator

Thank you for the faith to tell Mum “no” to the “something of the seas” and “yes” to a fun for all Carnival cruise. There are indeed tables for two for our Your Time Dining Program and I am sure that the Maitre D will assist in making this happen for you. Maybe you could send me a reminder one month before you sail so I can send Mum a little gift.

Best wishes to you both

Elaine Asked:
Dear John, please reply only if you have time…

I have to tell you that this world is a far better place because of people like you… Not only do I read your blog each and every day and sit in awe of the things that you do for people, but just the way you handle yourself whether it’s a thankful passenger, a passenger who needs your help, a nasty passenger, a demanding passenger or a child in need.. You are an exceptional man and should always hold your head up high and be proud of what you do… And based on your latest pictures, you are looking real good too!!!

We just got off the Freedom March 27th sailing and my entire family including my parents, Naomi & Marty want to thank you for the gifts sent to our room… They were not asked for, but truly enjoyed… What I did ask you for, and got, was a table for the 6 of us Chic Dining Room smack in the center of everything. Jean-Pierre was amazing, as well as friendly and made sure we were ok the entire week. My Mom clapped and sang from her chair and you could just look at her face and tell that she was enjoying every single minute of being in the dining room. By the way, I have never cruised with Ken Byrne but I thought it very interesting that Jean-Pierre also sings and is very good at it….So, Carnival has more than one singing Maitre’d!!! Please make sure he knows how thankful we are for helping us with our seating.

I also want to send out a HUGE thank you to a couple of others….Let me 1st explain that I was the first passenger to board the Carnival Freedom right after the Travel Agents and immediately signed up 5 of us for the Behind the Scene Tour. It was something that we were all really looking forward to. Well, on April 1st (Yup, April Fool’s Day) we got a call telling us the tour was cancelled. After making absolutely certain that it was not an April Fools joke, my husband very nicely and calmly put in a complaint. To make a long story short, between Anna Marie and Sabriana Brizzolari, Guest Services Supervisor and Manager, and with the approval of Captain Claudio Cupisti we got a private tour/viewing of the bridge!!! It was the absolute positive highlight of any of our cruises… It was truly amazing and not only did we get to talk and take pictures with the 1st and 2nd Mates, but the Captain himself talked with us for about 20 minutes and also took pictures with us…. We spent about an hour on the bridge just talking with the Staff, taking pictures and learning all about the controls etc…. So, I don’t know how to tell the Captain Thank You but I know you will find a way!!!

One more person who I must give a Shout Out to, and one who is probably overlooked most of the time, is Jean who was at the Casino Cashier Window the entire week… Each and every time I went to the window, whether it be to take money off of my Sign n Sail card after playing the slots, picking up my Complimentary Entry into the Slot Tournament, or picking up $$$$ that was left for me courtesy of the Casino Players Club, Jean always had a smile, a hello Elaine, how are you doing, are you having fun etc… She even saw me after we left the ship and were waiting for the car and came over to me with that huge smile of hers, a hug, remembered my name and told me she hoped that I had a good time….

So, please John, let everyone above know that it’s because of people like you and them that we keep coming back to Carnival. As a matter of fact, my parents, Naomi & Marty booked their 24th & 25th cruise (Miracle October 18 and Glory March 13) while on board and the rest of us booked for the Glory March 13th as well…

Luv Elaine & her Cruising Family!!!

P.S. Since you are usually a couple of weeks behind, I want to be one of the first to say HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY TO KYE…. (remember, Kye & I share the same birthday and I told you she would be born on May 15th!!!)

John Says:
Hello Elaine & her Cruising Family!!!

What a fantastic review and a great way to end today’s Q and A session. I will be sure to send your words of praise to the ship for all to read. I had no idea we had another singing Maitre D and I will have to keep an ear open for him. Thank you also for being so supportive and kind and I am glad that I was able to return that kindness by helping with your dining request.

Please let me know if there is anything else I can do for you

Best wishes to all

That’s all for today.

There is lots of news to get through today so let’s start with a mighty congratulations to Princess Cruise Lines……………..here’s why:


MIAMI (May 4, 2010) – Princess Cruises, a unit of Carnival Corporation & plc (NYSE/LSE: CCL; NYSE: CUK), today announced that contracts to build two 3,600-passenger ships have been finalized with Italy’s Fincantieri shipyard.

The new ships – which each will have an all-in cost of approximately €155,000 per lower berth – are scheduled to enter service in spring 2013 and spring 2014.  At an estimated 141,000 tons, the as-yet-unnamed ships will be the largest in the Princess Cruises fleet.

The ships’ design will be evolutionary, in keeping with the themes of the line’s newest vessels, but with some new features and innovations.  For example, all outside cabins will feature balconies, bringing the percentage of balconies on the ships to 80 percent of all staterooms.

The company’s signature Piazza – the ship’s central atrium featuring dining, entertainment and retail – will be expanded, as will the popular Sanctuary, spa, and restaurants.

“We’re pleased that in this challenging economic environment, the order for these new ships is a testament to the confidence in the growth potential of the Princess brand,” said Alan Buckelew, president and CEO of Princess Cruises.  “These new ships will include the features from our newest ships that have been so well received, and take them to the next level,” he added.

Giuseppe Bono, chief executive officer of Fincantieri, said, “We are grateful to the Carnival Group for this further vote of confidence in Fincantieri. We are proud to have met the requirements of Princess Cruises, one of Carnival’s most prestigious brands, with an innovative design both from a technical and architectural point of view.”

Bono continued, “This is a highly important order for us, especially as it comes in a period of economic crisis. We succeeded in securing these orders with assistance and support of the Italian export credit companies, in particular SACE S.p.A.”

Specific amenities and design elements for the new ships will be revealed over the coming months.

One of the best-known names in cruising, Princess Cruises is a global cruise and tour company operating a fleet of 17 modern ships renowned for their innovative design and wide array of choices in dining, entertainment and amenities, all provided in an environment of exceptional customer service.  A recognized leader in worldwide cruising, Princess offers its passengers the opportunity to escape completely to the top destinations around the globe, with sailings to all seven continents.

Carnival Corporation & plc is the largest cruise vacation group in the world, with a portfolio of cruise brands in North America, Europe and Australia, comprised of Carnival Cruise Lines, Holland America Line, Princess Cruises, The Yachts of Seabourn, AIDA Cruises, Costa Cruises, Cunard Line, Ibero Cruises, Ocean Village, P&O Cruises and P&O Cruises Australia.

Together, these brands operate 95 ships totaling more than 186,000 lower berths with 12 new ships scheduled to be delivered between May 2010 and spring 2014. Carnival Corporation & plc also operates Holland America Princess Alaska Tours, the leading tour company in Alaska and the Canadian Yukon. Traded on both the New York and London Stock Exchanges, Carnival Corporation & plc is the only group in the world to be included in both the S&P 500 and the FTSE 100 indices.

As you may know. I am a huge fan of Princess Cruise Lines as are many of you I know. Some of the happiest times Heidi and I had together were onboard the Emerald Princess. This also shows that Carnival Corporation & plc continues to lead the way in new ship building and that’s because of our strength and belief that cruising continues to provide the best vacation experience ……in the world.

As you will know I have been promoting the extraordinary work of the doctors and nurses who are just a few hundred miles away from where the Carnival Fantasy is sailing right now. They are on the Caribbean Island of Haiti and their work is ongoing because it is desperately needed. While my Miami Heat are out of the NBA playoffs their star player has not gotten into his Bentley, drove to his private jet and flown to paradise while eating caviar from a Latvian’s belly button. Nope, he is supporting these magnificent people and so it is that I ask you for a personal favour.

Help Dwyane Wade win $10,000 for Project Medishare as part of the NBA Cares Charity Challenge presented by State Farm!  The NBA Cares Charity Challenge will run from May 3 through May 9.  This online competition encourages NBA fans to vote for one of four NBA player / charity teams.  From your home, please go to the NBA’s Facebook page to view the video that highlights Dwyane’s work with Project Medishare and vote. Following the earthquake that devastated Haiti in January, Dwyane Wade helped launch “Athletes Relief Fund for Haiti” to support several relief organizations.  The funds support Project Medishare, which has been dedicated to improving the health and overall well being of the Haitian people for 20 years.  The winning team will receive a donation of $10,000 and additional teams will receive $5,000 to be given to the charity.   The winning team will be announced on May 10.

Carnival Corporation & plc and its brands have given $5 million already to Haiti relief and that extra $10,000 could save so many lives. So, even if you are a Celtics fan or love the Pistons or think the Lakers rule the world…….I hope that you will remember that island that all of us have sailed by so many times ……..an island that needs help now……………and will need help for many, many days to come.

Here is the link thingy…..please vote for my mate Dwayne which is a vote……….for the desperate people of Haiti.


Loyalty is a wonderful thing and I wonder if you added up all the cruises that the thousands of blog readers have taken on Carnival what the total would be. One family that is brilliantly loyal to Carnival is also a loyal blog reader. I invite you to read a great article by Paul Motter from cruisemates.com about Linda…….Mom of DJ and her husband Dave. Here is the link thingy.


What a fabulous story and I will be seeing Linda and family soon here on the Carnival Fantasy.

So back here on the Carnival Fantasy and we are getting ready for the next cruise but mostly for the time in Charleston of which I will be writing about tomorrow.

One strange thing from last night. I sat and ate dinner at alternative dining on Lido Deck and at 8:15pm the place was very busy indeed. I sat at a table next to a young couple who started talking to me. They had no idea who I was, they just started talking to me because they are from the south and it’s the law that they have to be friendly………which is fantastic of course.

They were from another part of Alabama, can’t remember the town but they were charming. They had been married a year and this was the honeymoon that they had never taken as Chad, the husband had lost his job. So, here they were eating pizza on Lido and I asked why they were not having lobster in the dining room. They told me that they had not known that there was an elegant night and that they had only casual clothes and that they would feel out of place.

Now, both were dressed in nice blue jeans and well……….clothes. Now, two things struck me here. 1) Why did they not know about elegant night? I asked them who they booked their cruise through and they told me it had been a gift from her parents. 2) Would anyone care if this lovely couple would sit in a dining room wearing blue jeans a shirt and a blouse and celebrate the honeymoon they never had? Really………..would it bother anyone?

Well, I then asked them to hold on and I called Suresh the Maitre D and explained. It was now 8:30pm and after I explained the situation and gave him their cabin number he said he would have a table for two ready and waiting at Your Time Dining. I told Chad and Stacey that they were expected and that I worked for Carnival, etc. etc. What about our clothes they asked. I told them not to worry and to go and enjoy the dinner. They were so thankful and off they went to the dinner they thought they were not allowed to enjoy. I hope they enjoyed the champagne as well.

Bent tooth? Breath like a camels scrotum after a travel talk or bedtime story? Hemorrhoids that make me scratch my arse in public? Nope… I’d have to say my least attractive trait is that, when I am really tired, I tend to fill up with rage, paranoia, envy and hate. I also start to swear …. a lot.

Extreme fatigue, brought on by a bad day at the diabetic office is liable to let the foul mouthed demons loose. Last night for example I woke up at 3:40 am. I’ll lay there, under slept, stewing about stuff that happened three blogs ago and wondering if Kye knows who I am. That’s stupid of me I know. But far worse is the lying in bed at 4 am effing and blinding at myself because I realize that the thoughts I am having are just plain bonkers.

I am tired though. I’ve been traveling a lot, several flights from ship to ship………. in economy.

“We’d like to invite all passengers traveling in first class to board now through gate 45.” Yes, I always add, and I’d like to invite them all to f*** off.

See what I mean………..what’s wrong with me?

Maybe it’s the packing and unpacking and moving from cabin to cabin but honestly I think it’s the flying.

Arse big, seat small, reclining bastard in front, neighbor incontinent, whatever, upshot is I can’t relax and I arrive at my destination moody and pissed off at the world.

Under-watered, overheated, exhausted and then its baggage claim. I hate sodding baggage reclaim. It’s too slow and too many trolleys catch you in the back of the ankle. And then it’s other people carrying an absurd amount, reeling under the weight and I bet they never used half of it. My bag isn’t coming. It’s lost. Oh bollocks, that means I will have to go commando for a week as the shops onboard don’t have underwear with enough X’s on the label. Oh crap, s**t , bugger and….oh here it is…….last bag out as usual. Then it’s customs. OK, you got my cigar cutter but please Lord don’t let them get my Cuban cigars. Stress, worry and …… phew… made it through without hearing the sound of Latex being snapped onto my new boyfriend’s hand.

Textbook conditions for the sweary paranoia and persecution monsters to start stomping around my head about my wife leaving me for the gardener and dreams in which Carnival fires me for being too fat.

Thank goodness that six nights out of seven I get a good 7 hours sleep………..otherwise the Welcome Aboard Show may need to be R Rated.

Swearing is bad and any children or Baptists reading this please do not listen to Uncle John’s ranting and use of colourful (spelt correctly) metaphors. It isn’t easy to swear well though. Take that young t shirtless twenty something I mentioned in yesterdays blog……….his timing ……… the look over his shoulder and the uninterrupted walk while telling me and the Hotel Director to copulate with ourselves was priceless. We should celebrate those who swear well. Genius swearers, in my book, include John Cleese, Chris Rock, Ricky Gervais, Richard Pryor, Ray Winstone a brilliant British actor and the undisputed king……….Robert De Niro.

If I don’t get that microphone soon……….there will be more bad language. Why do I do these bloody handover weeks?

Well today we are in Cozumel and it is a beautiful day and before you ask……nope……I am not getting off the ship. I did though have a walk on deck and wow, what a fabulous job they have done here with Serenity which I will feature tomorrow. It was also great to see the Carnival Legend and the Carnival Imagination here as well and more on those ships, or more the people on them tomorrow.

It is of course Cinco de Mayo and there will be a big celebration and Carnival here. Of course the Mexicans are celebrating a great victory over the French army who famously surrendered when threatened by a Mariachi Band.

Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.