One Year Ago

May 14, 2010 -

John Heald

While buying a gift for Heidi’s birthday was difficult……..buying one for my one year old daughter impossible. And if I can’t figure out what to get her when she is 1 year old……how the heck will I manage when she is 5………………..or 15?

Children these days have massive grand designs. They want a life-size robot dinosaur that has an Eye Pod connection in it’s arse. They want a Heckler and Koch 9mm with a built in camera because that makes it easier to put their shootings straight onto MyYouFaceTube.

A friend of mine has a daughter who is hooked on something called “American Girl” dolls and the amount of money her Dad has spent on this stuff is ridiculous……..he could have spent less and got himself a real life Latvian Doll………..and her sister.

During my last flight from Houston to Mobile I stole the in-flight magazine…you know….the one that offers Sky Mall shopping. This is from where I ordered Heidi’s Levana BABYVIEW20 Interference Free Digital Wireless Video Monitor with Night Light Lullaby Camera by Levana that never arrived and that eventually after days of telephone calls and a lot of bollocks I was told that it had never been delivered because it was “out of stock.”

I am now waiting for the money to be refunded. The Sky Mall catalogue is fascinating and I thought I might be able to find something “unique” for Kye in there. Open one at random and you’ll find an eye bursting display of helicopters that can fly indoors and bedside alarm clock cubes that change colour and make cappuccino. Turn over the page and there’s a credit card flashlight that’s as thin as Victoria Beckham.

As Heidi and Kye’s big day approached, I found myself wanting to buy solar powered garden lights disguised as a rock. For some reason, I suddenly need a sonic nose hair remover and a foldaway ramp that will help my dog get into the back of a car…………….and we don’t even have a dog.

It seems though that I am not the only one that has concerns about children. Have a read of this.

Guest: Mrs ——-Ref:
Cabin: ——- Booking#: Added-Changed: 05/13/10 – 05/13/10


Guest came to GSD and said that she had taken the Shore Snorkel excursion in Cozumel. Guest said that her 12 year old son had seen a large fish and had been scared and gotten out of the sea. Guest said that she should get a refund for her and her son as she got out of the sea with him and did not complete the excursion.

Tasked to SX Mngr.

A large fish……… the sea? And while I feel sorry for the kid, I feel amazed that his mother would have the nerve to ask for a refund because they saw a fish……….on a snorkel tour. It wasn’t a shark………..nothing tried to eat him…….it was just a fish.

It’s like saying “I want a refund……….I went on the Mayan Ruins of Tulum tour and you will never guess what………..the place was ruined!”

Time for today’s questions……….off we go.

Mr Derek Asked:
Dear John, **Please Reply**

A while back you said that the CD on the Carnival Glory in June would be Jorge but then in a different column you said something about him leaving for personal or medical reasons. Has he returned?? Is he okay?? Has he been replaced on the June 19th cruise? Any updates?

Thank you for providing us with humor (spelled correctly) and laughter, tears and as always, an inside glimpse into the daily world of Cruise Ship operations. I hope one day I can sail with you. Until then, I will live vicariously through the daily musings.

All the best to You, Heidi, Kye and do try to stay well.


John Says:
Hello Derek

George Solano did indeed have to leave for personal reasons, he needed to steal more of my jokes. Seriously, you will be happy to know George is back on board the Carnival Glory as Cruise Director and will be there when you sail in June. You can expect to hear more of my jokes said in a Spanish accent when you cruise.

Thanks for your kind words and have a brilliant time.

Best wishes,

Clair Asked:
Hi John, (please reply when you can)

My husband and I were on the Carnival Dream’s 4/10 sailing. Just wanted to send you a post that we had a fabulous time! Some of the highlights included:

**The ship itself – The Carnival Dream is a wonderful ship. I wish I could have spent another week on board. 🙂

**Our wait staff in the dining room – We had early seating, table #531, (thank you again for helping to arrange for our table). Lin was our head waiter and Luis was his assistant. Both were wonderful. After the first night they called us by name.

**Our room steward was fabulous at his job & funny! I’m sorry, but I never did remember how to say his name, but we were in cabin #8340.

**Dancin in the Streets – This was our favorite show of the entire cruise. Not only were the singers and dancers 4 stars, but Fun Force was superb.

**Last but not least, Todd – I thought Todd did a great job as CD. On the first sea day, a passenger was missing (she was found). At about 7am, Todd came through the cabin loud speakers stating this person was being looked for and for her to call Guest Services. His tone was calm, apologizing for the early morning wake up, yet straight forward in letting us know that if she didn’t call what the next step would be (cabin search). In my opinion, he handled the situation wonderfully.

Thank you for all of the information you provided to us here on the blog thingy on our Carnival Dream. We are now looking forward to our August cruise on the Carnival Spirit.


John Says:
Hello Clair

Thank you so much for the great review of your Carnival Dream voyage. I truly appreciate the fact that you took the time to write this and that you wrote those great words of praise. I have passed this on to all concerned on board and I know they will be thrilled.

I was especially pleased that you appreciated Todd’s work. Making an important announcement so early in the morning is more difficult than it sounds and I am glad that particular story had a happy ending.

I hope it will not be too long before we see you again on board one of our fun for all ships.

Best wishes to all,

cruisingeagle Asked:
Please Reply John 4/19/2010

Hi John,

Thank you again so much for doing the blog. It definitely keeps me going until my next cruise. My next cruise is on the Carnival Triumph on June 5, 2010. I am so ready for this cruise. This will be cruise number 9 with Carnival and overall. I am also looking forward to my Platinum cruise on the Carnival Elation on July 17, 2010.

In reading the blog today, I noticed where you said Josh Waitzman is now the CD on the Carnival Triumph and will be for the next 3 months. Does this mean he will still be the CD for the June 5 cruise?

I do have a favor to ask. On the June 5 Carnival Triumph cruise, my husband and I will be sailing with our son and daughter-in-law. We are both confirmed for late dining and we would love a table for 4. They do not live in the same city we do, so we are looking forward to spending some quality time with them. They will be celebrating their 2 wedding anniversary on June 7 and I will be celebrating a birthday on June 7. Yes, they got married on my birthday. I also celebrated my birthday 5 years ago on the Carnival Holiday. May I have a solid gold ship on a stick for my birthday? I am sure they would like one also. I will include the information you need at the bottom for requesting the table for 4. Thank you for all you do.


John Says:
Hello Cruisingeagle

You are getting closer and closer to that shiny Platinum card and I am sure you are very excited about that and your upcoming cruise on the Carnival Triumph. Yes, indeed, Josh aka Big Sexy (rather like myself) will be the Cruise Director when you sail. He is fantastic and I know you will enjoy him very much.

I have sent your information to the Maitre D on the Carnival Triumph and I know he will do his best to assist you with your table request. I will send you both a trophy and my best wishes to you for a very Happy Birthday and a brilliant cruise for you all.


Jeanette Asked:
Please reply, I have an Interesting question to ask

First of all, you CAN have that Aston Martin DBS and it can be really cheap too. You may have to look carefully for it, but I am sure you could get a Hot Wheels version of the DBS….*BG*….

OK, to my question…..I watched you tube video of pier runners and naturally, they didn’t make it to the ship on time as the ship was already late and left the three people behind in Progresso (Why is it always Mexican ports in the Caribbean that have passengers left behind most often? Anyhow, what happens to them after they get the wonder shot of the ship sailing without them? Does the port agent help them get to the homeport or the next port? If it is the homeport, how do they get their belongings when they finally meet back up with the ship as it debarks?

Only 150 days until I sail back on the Liberty and hopefully get to see that hot stud muffin maitre’d! You know who *BG*…..I’m sure he does well in tips….

John Says:
Hello Jeanette

I have a hot wheels of the DBS which a blogger got for me and sits on my desk at home. Funny you should write this, though, as earlier this morning I was dribbling over a website

This is a company that hires Aston Martins and I wanted to see if I could afford one for a week while I was home so Kye , Heidi and I can have some fun. Kye would really like it for her birthday I think.

Unfortunately…….I can’t afford it and I have more chance of wearing Megan Fox’s bottom as a hat than having this dream car.

Anyway, back to your question. I have not seen these videos on Mytube but of course people do miss the ship. That’s one of the reasons we have an agency in every port (their telephone numbers are always written on the front page of the Capers ..bugger…..Funtimes) and in a case of a guest missing the ship they will contact us, and arrange accommodation and transportation to the next port of call. Obviously, for the most part, this is at the guest’s expense and although we will do our best to get the best possible prices on airline tickets and hotels, it can be an expensive extra 30 minutes at Senor Frogs!

In the case of a guest missing the last port and not returning to the home port but straight home, their luggage and belongings will be collected and packed under the watch of our security team and then sent off the ship. I would presume, although I am not 100% sure, that they would be responsible for the costs of shipping their luggage home.

The advice is, therefore,……don’t miss the ship. If you do, please take a photo as you stand on the pier and we sail into the sunset ………and post a copy here on the blog thingy please.

Best wishes,

Jinna White Asked:

I am very disappointed that you will not be our C.D. on our Carnival Dream cruise July 17th to Virgin Islands but I do understand that you do need a break!! I know that this has absolutely nothing to do with you and I am truly venting and hoping that you will pass this along to the appropriate person because I do think there should be exceptions to the policies regarding travel agents! I have had nothing but problems but nothing can be done about it according to Carnival reps because of their “policies.” I just think it’s sad that Carnival depends on these agents to book their cruises and when you get an agent who may not be honest with the customer, then Carnival stands behind the agent instead of the customer if the customer booked through the agent! This is our 2nd Carnival cruise and I have had so many problems with this agent and there’s nothing I can do about it! I just hope when I actually get on the cruise, that I will actually have the balcony cabin I reserved! My 2nd question that I am relying on your expertise and experience to help me with is regarding the day we spend in Bahamas on our cruise. We are planning to go to Atlantis and wanted to know whether we can do it on our own at our own pace or is it better to do the excursion? Let me know what you think and if there is anything else on our itinerary that we should not miss! My family and my mom will be travelling with us and we are celebrating my daughter Lindsay’s graduation from college this May which I will remind you of closer to sailing date so that we can make it special! As I have said before, you are Carnival’s BEST cruise director and we will miss you in July!!! Thanks for all you do!!!

John Says:
Hello Jinna White

I am so sorry I cannot be with you in July on your Carnival Dream voyage but I will indeed be at home with the girls. I am not sure exactly what your concerns are with your Travel Agent but they sound like they are troubling you and, therefore, I have asked a member of our Care Team to contact you to confirm your cabin number, etc. and make sure you are happy.

Atlantis is a must see in my opinion and it is important to remember that the only place you will be allowed to see free of charge is………shockingly…….the casino. The aqua park, aquarium and beach are only for those who are guests of the hotel or booked on a cruise ship excursion. Now, there are times when these counts are low and they will let extra guests in but as I say live on stage when I am talking about this, I will say here on the blog. If you absolutely want to see Atlantis…….book an excursion. The aquarium is extraordinary.

Please post a comment after the Care Team have called with your confirmed state room number and I will be honoured (spelt correctly) to send your daughter a graduation gift.

Best wishes to all,

Jason Asked:
(reply if you can)

We just returned from our Honeymoon/Wedding cruise on the Carnival Legend April 11-18. You were kind enough to ask the Maitre’D to seat us at a table for two, which he did. It was on the second deck of the MDR, right by the railing. Thank you so much for that. It was also very close to Learoy’s (our waiter) station, so he was always ready to attend to whatever we needed. A few of the waiters even sang “Happy Honeymoon To You” on the 1st elegant night and gave us a dessert which was extra special.

A quick review:

We took the “Behind the Fun” tour, it was amazing…worth the price, and definitely not to be missed. It was so informative…and getting to tour the bridge, what a treat!

We ate at the steakhouse, which was more than delicious food. The service was outstanding. This was more than just a special dinner, it was an experience. The only drawback was the rough seas that night towards the end of our meal, it made it difficult to enjoy the dinner, but, the waitress had our dessert delivered to our cabin which was very nice.

We saw the stingrays in Grand Cayman and did the Cave Tubing in Belize. Both came highly recommended, and rightfully so.

Finally, I’m convinced that Carnival has the friendliest and most attentive staff of any company on Earth. I wish I could line up everyone we came in contact this past week and personally tell them “Thank You.” From the Captain and his officers to the crew on decks A,B and C…everyone greeted us with a smile and friendly hello (even when we were obviously interrupting their busy day during our tour). We considered many other destinations when planning this vacation, and after choosing Carnival, we came home with so many happy memories…and no regrets.

John Says:
Hello Jason

I was so happy to read that your table request was taken care of and thank you for telling me. I organize many tables for readers and I don’t always get to know if things worked out so I am glad to hear that it did.

Sorry to hear about the rough seas. It’s still the one thing that you can’t control and as a CD it is always frustrating to know that your best laid plans of entertainment and fun can be thwarted by the wind and the sea. I am, though, most happy to read your thoughts on the service our staff and crew provide. I shall make sure that everyone with a beard and those on board get to read them. Thank you again and I hope we see you soon aboard another fun for all cruise.

I wish you a wonderful life together.

stefani Asked:
Please Reply….

I think this is your best blog yet… I love your description of Iceland… made me laugh all the way through.

I am getting into planning mode… only 5 more months until I finally get to see the new Carnival Dream. We are sailing on the September 18th sailing… not sure if you have mentioned it somewhere, but is Ken (the singing Maitre D) still on it then? I got to be in his section on the Carnival Splendor and just loved him.

Keep blogging… I read it every day.
Stefani (spelled correctly LOL)

John Says:
Hello Stefani

Ahhhh……the Iceland blog, it seems like ages ago that I wrote that and I am glad you enjoyed it so much. Ken is now on the Carnival Legend and your Maitre D will be Klaudio or Mr. Ante. Both are fabulous and please let me know if you need any assistance with a table request.

Best wishes to all,

Jeremy Snawder Asked:
John please reply,

My wife and I are going to be on the Freedom 5/30/10 celebrating our one year anniversary (6/1/10)! We are very excited–  it’s her first cruise so I decided to spoil her with a suite.  I’ve got a couple’s massage and dinner at the Steakhouse planned for our anniversary day.

I loved reading about your time on the Freedom on the blog thing, she sounds like a great ship and I’m sure you have fond memories of her. I’ve been on the Glory before her renovations and I can’t wait to see how the Freedom is different.

I do have a request and a comment.

Can you pass a note to the Freedom Maître d’ for a table for two? (Late Dining) I think it will be a bit more romantic with it just being two of us.

In picking out our room, I found it very frustrating trying to find room photos and room layout details on Carnival’s website. I know with today’s technology it cannot be hard to take multiple medium/high resolutions photos for the all of the cabin types. Not every room, just a representative for each cabin class. I think you are missing a great opportunity to connect with the customer.

All the best to you, Heidi, and Kye!,

John Says:
Hello Jeremy

I will be happy to help with your dining request and how super that you have booked a massage and an evening at the Steakhouse. It sounds like you will have a very special anniversary cruise.

I have sent a note to the Maitre D and he will do his best to assist with your table request. I will pass on your thoughts about the rooms to the beards in marketing that run our website. I thought we had photos of the state rooms but maybe we need to do a better job with that. Can you help me a bit with this? What do you think was wrong?  Was it the navigation or the content? Please let me know.

I wish you both a very happy anniversary cruise and thanks so much for the kind words for my family.

Best wishes,

Norman Langton Asked:
John to reply.

Listen, I know I will not win the popular vote here but I don’t care. I agree 100% with other Cruise Critic readers who have posted their comments on this blog. The people who write dozens of words that kiss your butt only to then ask for something for free or a table for 2 etc are pathetic. That’s my opinion.


John Says:
Hello Norman

Oh bugger. And I was having such a nice time this morning, sitting here in my underpants answering today’s questions. Thanks for sharing your opinion with me which is what you are entitled to do. It is an opinion though to which I disagree because I am always trying to………………you know what………….bugger this…………I am tired of answering questions like this…………you know what Norman…………thanks for your posting and instead of me answering it ………I just want to say this:

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…

And always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…

If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle – that’s the thing

And always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin – give the audience a grin
Enjoy it – it’s your last chance anyhow

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life’s a piece of sh*t
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ’em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you

And always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the right side of life…
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the bright side of life…
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life…
(I mean – what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing – you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life…

Best wishes,

That’s all for today. Now, in past weeks the 344 Stephanies have not been posting comments over the weekend because they………well……..have families and husbands and beards, etc. but they have help now with 21 ladies called Melissa and some of the Melissa’s will be helping to post comments so if you want to stop by over the weekend you may find that they have been updated. My thanks to them and to you for everything you write.

Time for a break.

On Wednesday there were 3 Carnival ships anchored off Grand (hurry up and build that pier ) Cayman. There was the Carnival Liberty, the Carnival Elation and, of course, the Carnival Fantasy. That means that Carnival sent approx 7,500 guests to the shops, on excursions and supported the already rather well off economy of Cayman. They should have had a huge ” Thank you Carnival, we love you very much” banner hung across the tender pier………..but, of course, they didn’t.

Anyway, it must have been quite a sight to see the three famous Carnival smokestacks and, in fact, it is a sight that you can enjoy now thanks once again to the absolutely brilliant photo magic of Mr. Radu Ursu.

So, it is a very busy sea day and here I sit at 8:45am in my underpants writing this bit of the blog thingy. It’s been a beautiful cruise, weather wise, although it has been a bit choppy these last 24 hours.

Unfortunately, there were quite a few folks who were sea sick last night and stayed in their state rooms. I know this because the Ticket to Ride Beatles show was poorly attended and the dining rooms 50% full at best. By 10:00pm the rocking had subsided but the ship remained quiet for the rest of the evening.

I had a walk around, saw Linda, Mom of DJ, sing a karaoke song and not just sing but energize the rest of the guests to get up and have a go as well………not me of course……….I would rather tap dance naked on Gerry Cahill’s desk than sing karaoke. But people like Linda love it and I am sure she and many of you are going to truly enjoy the Rock Star live activity.

It was great to have all my blogger friends with me and I want to say hello to a new friend of mine…..Michael…….I promised him I would put his photo on the blog so here it is.

And so to the subject of prohibited items and I can now present the final list. We have listened to what you have had to say and made a few changes here and there …….anyway, here is the final list.

I have received some very passionate comments about the power strip issue including one that I won’t be posting. It says that RCI allows power strips and that the poster will be cruising only with them from now on. I won’t be publishing that because not only was it rude, I truly believe it was written by an RCI chumpion. And if someone is going to ignore the value for money fun experience that we offer…………over a power strip…………well, that to me is just ridiculous. If you have any genuine concerns, though, please contact me and I will address them on your behalf.

I really enjoyed my first and only week as Cruise Director on a ship out of Alabama. The people were great and very similar to the people from Texas in their passion and enjoyment of life and obviously Alabama is a very important market for us and I know they will love the Carnival Elation who will be making Mobile her home from tomorrow.

Talking of tomorrow, we will arrive earlier than usual at around 6:30am. As soon as we have disembarked our guests we will move away and allow the Carnival Elation to come in and disembark the guests from their Panama Canal cruise. It will certainly be a very busy day at the port tomorrow.

Then the Carnival Fantasy will head to Charleston. This will be 3-day voyage without guests and a chance for the crew to relax a little.

I, though, will be as bored as Tiger Woods in a monastery.

So, that’s all about the cruise news I have for you today. But there is one more thing I want to say………..and let’s start by going back one year ago tomorrow………this is what I wrote trying to describe the most wonderful yet terrifying nights of my life.

In the UK the whole birthing process is handled by a midwife and her assistant. There is no doctor unless you have complications. The midwives are mostly middle aged or older ladies and are a cross between Mrs. Doubtfire and Mary Poppins. I was a bit taken aback by this. I wanted machines that go ping and doctors cloaked and masked and ready to get my baby here now……what I got was a lady called Christine who wore a uniform from the 50’s. She was around 55 years old and bloody marvelous.

So in we went and by the time we were led into one of the delivery suites Heidi was having pains every two minutes.

Her pain was so great that she made loud grunting noises like Serena Williams does when she hits a tennis ball. Then as the contractions grew, her moans became howls. Was my wife turning into a werewolf? Christine then did one of those ummmm…….inspections of Heidi’s lady garden and said that she had found Jimmy Hoffa, and that Heidi was already 6 cm dilated. It was a good thing she said that we had come in even though her water still had not broken.

The time was now 11:15 pm and the start of one of the worst and best nights of my life.

Every time a contraction would hit Heidi, I rubbed her lower back because she said the pain there was excruciating. She was given “gas and air” which helped a little but did nothing to stop her feeling pain like she had never felt before……….and there was worse to come. I had a little gulp of the gas and air myself and boy that stuff’s good…….at one point I saw God……….and “she” told me not to have any more.

At 3 am Heidi was 8cm dilated and the contractions were coming every minute or so.

At 4 am she was 9cm dilated and the pain was so bad that I begged Heidi to have an epidoodle but she refused.

At 5 am she went into labour and I stood by her side and watch my brave Heidi push with all her might and scream in total agony. I held her hand, I tried to make a joke, I told her I loved her and never………..never………I have I felt such a useless bastard in my life as I did then. For three hours plus she tried with all her might and all the time the midwife Christine told her how brave she was and talked her through everything that was happening ……….I know I am repeating myself but she was amazing.

Kye was in a strange position. Her head was facing up instead of down or down instead of up……I can’t remember which. I had my back firmly to the show and as much as I wanted to help Heidi through the pain, I was going to be no bloody good having a quick look downstairs and immediately fainting.

Heidi screamed and she shook and I mopped her sweaty brow with a washcloth. At 8:05 am she said “I can’t do this.” I said, “Yes you can, it’s your Dad’s birthday and this is his gift.” So my brave lady continued pushing through the pain.

The midwife told her to “push down like you are having a good poo.” Now, I could have made a joke or two there but as any attempts at humor by me had so far been met with angry looks or me being told to have rumpy pumpy with myself in both Dutch and English………… I decided not say nothing.

I really was trying to help. I said “Breathe ………. in ……… out ……….in………out.” And my normally non-swearing placid partner replied……..”I know how to fu**ing breathe.”

And she screamed some more and then………suddenly Christine simply said ……… “Three more pushes”………and three pushes later at 8:50am Kye entered the world weighing a touch under 7 pounds. Heidi cried, Christine our midwife asked me if I wanted to cut the cord. I told her to bugger off and a few moments later wrapped in a towel and sitting on my wife’s chest was our daughter…….something we thought we would never have ………….and she is the most beautiful, gorgeous, little thingy …………… in the world.

Then as they weighed her and did what they do to newborn babies, I thought it was all over, so for the first time in hours I turned around ……….just in time to see Heidi deliver a placenta…………and although some of you may think I am adding this for entertainment values, I promise I am not. Because at the sight of this blob of blood and ooze being plopped out into what looked like a dish we use for the side orders in our supper clubs…….I knew I was going to be sick………and I just made it to the toilet in time to prove myself right. I don’t think it was just the placenta though…….I am sure it was being on my feet for eight hours and a low sugar level and the whole emotion of the night.

After cluster-bombing the toilet, I returned to see Heidi who was having ladies things done to her that I won’t mention here. Then, just as my Mum told me she was when she had me, we were both offered a cup of tea and some toast and jam………I asked for a Spotted Dick and when the midwife said that there was probably one in the male surgical wards.

Heidi laughed a little for the first time that night. Again, the National Health System has it’s faults but for a free service I can’t fault it……..and I thank Christine and all the staff so very much and when I went to collect my family today I brought huge boxes of chocolates for them all.

Heidi and Kye spent last night in the hospital and they conducted hearing and mobility and joint tests which she passed with flying colors and they arrived home yesterday. I did the journey to the hospital in 12 minutes. Strange then that with Kye in her car seat the journey back took 30 minutes as the Range Rover never went over 30 mph……the polar bears should be happy, as well.

So, here she is. And for all the people who said my life would change……… were totally right. I never put the TV on…….I looked at my raspberry less……….I didn’t care what was happening in the world……all I did was stare at something that this ugly grey haired overweight sod had helped create……and the whole experience has so far been jaw droppingly astonishing.

She slept three hours then woke for a feeding…..then slept two more hours and was hungry again…………then she got another two hours sleep before wanting to suck on Heidi’s breasts. This means I got some sleep as well although at 4 am I woke up also wanting to suck on one of Heidi’s breasts…….she’s gone from Kate Moss to Pamela Andersen in just a few weeks and I can’t enjoy them…….double D bugger.

I have, though, a new found understanding of what women have to go through giving birth. I don’t think anyone can understand what it is like to see the one you love in so much pain and be able to absolutely nothing about it.

Ladies…….you are amazing and none more so than Heidi……..whom I love with all my heart.

This is her then

And here she is now

I love my job. I relish every moment I have been given to entertain the guests and I know how lucky I am that a fat, ugly sod like me is to have been given the chance to be in the position I am in. But today, I would give anything……….anything at all to be with Kye so I could wish her a very Happy Birthday, hug her and tell her how much ” DaDa” loves her and to sing her special bouncy bouncy song at bedtime.

Time to go………I appear to have something in my eyes that is causing water to come out of them.

Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.