Jim'll Fix It

July 29, 2010 -

John Heald

I met a few famous people on the Queen Victoria. Their names won’t mean much to you but they are all household names here in the UK and of course Duchess Camilla is a name known around the world………..and they are all constantly in the spotlight. Just imagine for a moment that you are Samuel L Jackson. (more…)

A Quickie

July 28, 2010 -

John Heald

In much the same way there is no point in me telling you I would look pretty damn hideous in fish net stockings and nipple tassels, there is no point in mentioning that my Easy Jet flight is delayed.

My taxi ride from the Queen Victoria to Glasgow airport was interesting not just because of the stunning scenery that is Scotland but also because my driver was obviously a massive (more…)

By Royal Appointment

July 27, 2010 -

John Heald

I know a chap that works for Carnival who smokes Camel cigarettes and won’t ever smoke anything else. He does this because back in the day when companies were allowed to advertise their products on television, the man in the Camel ad was a pilot and back then pilots were very cool.  I will only wear Marks and Spencer’s underpants. I have no idea why, but having got through half a million of the things, I’m not about to change any time soon. There may be underpants on the market that are cheaper or made to a higher standard or more suited to my small at the front big at the back requirements but I am not interested in finding out. There is only one alternative to wearing Marks and Spencer underpants and that not wearing any at all.
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In Training

July 26, 2010 -

John Heald

I’m writing this on a train. Yep……….I am on a train….and they’ve just announced that we’ve had to stop near some cows because the train in front of us has broken down. I should have known ….it’s a train operated by Virgin………which means of course it was never going to go all the way.

So, good morning everyone and I hope you missed me as much as I missed you and before I forget  …….thanks for allowing me that week off….it was simply marvelous. So why am I on a train? Well, that’s because I am heading to Liverpool, home of the Beatles and tomorrow it will be home to the Queen Victoria, more of which I will write about later. I was going to drive to Liverpool from my home in Essex, but it’s a 4 hour drive.
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Short and Sweet

July 24, 2010 -

John Heald

It’s Saturday morning and I have just returned from 25 minutes of peace and quiet in the bathroom. Unfortunately as I sat down to release my body of the 2 pounds of suckling pig I had eaten the night before I realised that I had no reading material……………….bugger. To my horror the only thing available to me was one of Heidi’s girly magazine’s called something like Hair and Beauty or Slim Hair or Beautiful Vogue or Slim Voguemopolitan or something like this. It was either read this or sit there doing bugger all while I waited for Percy the Pig to make an appearance.

And so I read her magazine.
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Before I Forget…Again

July 19, 2010 -

John Heald

I woke up this morning abruptly, sitting bolt upright in bed. I looked at the bedside clock and it shone 5:05am.

Cold sweat was running down the back of my neck and my hands were trembling. Fragments of my dream that weirdly seemed to be about George Hamilton walking down the beach with Judge Judy started to come back to me. Both were naked and one of them had recently had a Brazilian.

Was that causing my panic……………or had I forgotten to log off of www.latvianwomeninsuspenders.com?
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Carnival Punches Up The Fun

July 18, 2010 -

John Heald

Straight from PA007’s cubicle, here’s an advance copy of the release on our new fleetwide Punchliner Comedy Clubs.
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I Am Too Embarrassed To Ask Blog

July 16, 2010 -

John Heald

Growing up, my Dad was never one to spend long evenings in front of the TV. It was the Seventies and he was a Dad. So he was always busy doing Seventies Dad stuff. Woodworking in the shed and painting things around the house and of course tending to his beloved garden.

He never missed one show though. It starred an Irish comedian called Dave Allen. I am not sure if he ever made it big across your side of the pond though but to my Dad and millions of other British dads…..he was the king of comedy. Religion was his thing….. or making fun of it. Drunken priests, nymphomaniac Nuns and comical bishops all played a big part in his show……a throw back to his strict Irish Catholic upbringing. Here he is.
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Anger Management

July 15, 2010 -

John Heald

Oh no………………….oh please God no.

My cry for heavenly help is not because I have discovered a wart on my thingy or that my first cruise on the Carnival Splendor will be a charter of French nudists. Nope………….my agony is because my daughter Kye has recently discovered ……………I can’t even bring myself to type this word…………….I feel sick……………come on John …………..try………………….OK here goes …………… she has recently discovered………………….Barney.
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Simulating Fun

July 14, 2010 -

John Heald

One minute life is all rosy and happiness and contentment fills the air and then BAM……without warning………that’s me in the dog house. And it’s Heinz’s fault.

That’s because I did something shockingly terrible last night. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.