I Spy

July 1, 2010 -

John Heald

I have always loved a good spy story. From John le Carre to Jack Bauer, whether it be in a book or on film. In recent years though spy films and books have been centred around stopping bad guys from exploding bombs in their underpants in New York and London. But as you will have seen from the news yesterday and today…….the Russians are back! Ten deep cover spies leading lives of dead drops, data bursts and proper spy stuff have been arrested by the FBI. What a brilliant story.

And did you see the spy who was using the name Anna Chapman came? If not……….here she is.

Bloody hell! She’s from Russia not with love……but with some serious “wow” factor.

Women spies have never really been taken seriously unless you include Pussy Galore, Kissy Suzuki, Tiffany Case, Plenty O’Toole, Mary Goodnight. Holly Goodhead and of course my personal favourite……Xenia Onatopp who was a Russian spy armed with two thighs that would crush heads……but what a way to go…….so much more pleasant than having your neck ripped open by Jaws.

I have no idea how this Anna Chapman spy girl managed to stay in deep cover for so long ……… after all…….most women I know are totally crap at keeping a secret. “Ooooh, you’ll never guess what, Vicky from accounts told me in confidence that she is having rumpy pumpy with Bob from sales.”

But obviously Anna Chapmanov had everyone fooled, using her beauty and her breasts to get her spy work done.  We had lots of Russians onboard the ships in Europe, especially the season Carnival Freedom sailed in Europe. I remember the Russians guests very well. They’re either far too ugly or far too beautiful. There’s no middle ground. And no part of the body is immune from manmade enhancement. The male guests walked the promenade covered in frightening Special Forces tattoos and carrying plastic bags of cash to put on their Sail and Sign cards. And I saw one Russian woman on Lido Deck who had the body of a walnut and a chest that put the entire port side in the shade. Lido attire for the Russian guests was brilliant though. For the men it’s the traditional Speedo, while the women seem to get their fashion pointers from internet porn sites ………bikinis with nipple tassels were a common sight.

I didn’t get to see one lining up for some Mongolian Wok in stockings and suspenders….. but I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw this in Europe next year on your Carnival Magic. This whole spy thing has got me wondering, be it in a somewhat diluted form. Do cruise lines spy on each other?

I have no idea but does RCI send people on a Carnival ship to see what we are doing? One would think they probably do and in that case I have to ask……..does Carnival do the same?  It would be easy to write here that we don’t need to because we do everything better than everyone else but of course while we think we have the best product in the cruise industry it would be ridiculous not to think that we don’t need to see what’s happening with the competition. And if we don’t do this ……..we should do and therefore I am looking for candidates for my spy ring.

I need to send a blog reader on the Something of the Seas………someone who looks like a typical RCI guest……an ordinary person who doesn’t mind not having fun and who is able to blend in with the rest of the guests on the Something of the Seas. He or she would have to do certain things to stay in deep cover. Things like stand at the bottom of the climbing wall saying things like “I am 53 years old, it’s 98 degrees, I am on vacation so why the hell would I want to climb a sodding wall. “………….OK, maybe drop the word sodding………….but you get my drift.

You will need to have constraint so that when the cruise director says “on the port side is the Carnival Wal-Mart ship” you don’t leap out of your chair and try and crush his head with your thighs. You will have to be able to sit at dinner and listen and agree with people who have never been on a Carnival ship but think the food is crap and that the only people who cruise on a Carnival ship are Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton types. You will need to stay calm and stay in your cover story so that when an RCI guest says these things you don’t beat them to a pulp with the pepper mill.

You will then report back to me and I will send your report to Gerry “M” Cahill. So, if you like shopping malls, food courts and think your personality is boring enough to fit in as an RCI guest please post your qualifications here on the blog thingy. Your code name will be “Shined Dry Puff”………………..it’s an anagram.

Time for today’s questions…………………let’s crack on.

Nicola McCormick Asked:
Hi John, Please Reply if you can.

My husband, 6 year old daughter and I are heading off across the pond on our summer holidays, a week this Saturday (26th June). We are spending 3 weeks in Orlando before hitting the Carnival Dream on July 17th.

The holiday is a welcome distraction from a pretty horrific couple of years and will hopefully make us all relax (in Disney!!!) and unwind.

I have read your blog with interest since booking the cruise last year and I am constantly amused and sometimes bewildered (the extension leads) by the chat.

I tried to book the steakhouse (for the Wednesday night of our cruise 21st July at 7.30pm) through your link but I have not had any confirmation. I was hoping you could check the reservation exists as it is our 10th anniversary and we would love to celebrate with a great meal.

I hope you enjoy your time at home with your family and remember the taxi story will stay with you and make you laugh forever. Kye might not appreciate it when you relay the story at her 21st birthday party.

Thank you in advance

John Says:
Hello Nicola

Well by now you and the family are in Orlando enjoying the theme parks, Micky Mouse and the somewhat bizarre ritual of eating a turkey leg while waiting to ride Space Mountain. I hope you will be checking your e-mails now and then and therefore you will read this note from me confirming your steakhouse reservation has been confirmed. We don’t send confirmation notes from the ships but if you do reserve on line your reservation is for the most part guaranteed. I know you will have a brilliant time on your Carnival Dream.

Best wishes to you all

Geri & Jack Asked:
Hello John, please reply about C Magic

Love your humour (spelt correctly). Good post – looks like you are getting a good rest and getting your funny humour back after a few rough posts about bans and PB (won’t say it.)

Multiply Kye’s experience in the cab by 5 and that’s what we went through with our kids from time to time.

One time my hubby had to drive 200 miles to Florida in his underpants ha ha because of one of these episodes and also all over his face and clothing. during our trip.

Enjoy fatherhood…one day you will look back and laugh at it all.

Cheers and hi to your beautiful family.
Geri & Jacik

p.s. any word on whether the C Magic will do a B2B in the U.S. and when? Not anxious or anything…….

John Says:
Hello Geri and Jack

Thanks for saying you have been enjoying the blog and I certainly am enjoying my vacation a lot. The experience of Kye being sick in the taxi will be one that will be ingrained on my mind forever as will the smell of diced carrot and broccoli in poor Brian’s taxi. I often drive around in my underpants…….some people find that strange. Hopefully by now you will have seen the news on your Carnival Magic and her home port being Galveston and the fact that you can do a back to back eastern and western Caribbean cruise. I hope you get to do this and I hope I am there with you.

Best wishes to all

Ricky (TABASCO) Asked:
John (Please reply)

We just returned from our Triumph cruise and wanted to let you know we had a great time. Pretty wild crowd, but that is not unusual. After all, we do sail from New Orleans. I’ll post a thorough review later, but was curious about Lenny Halliday. He left mid-cruise and initially we were told that he had a family emergency and then that he was retiring. I hope he and his family are alright. We really enjoyed those first couple of days with him.

John Says:
Hello Ricky (Tabasco)

Thanks for taking the time to write and I am glad you had a fun time on the Carnival Triumph. It’s very strange that your comment should appear on my Q and A list today because it had been my intention tomorrow to write a little note about Lenny Halliday. Lenny was due to retire after 20 years of fabulous service both as an entertainer and as a wonderful CD. Unfortunately in the middle of your cruise his father passed away and he had to return to the UK. And that means that we won’t be seeing Lenny again so please allow me to thank him on behalf of everyone who has sailed with him over the years and for the joy he brought to so many. Thanks Lenny and our sympathies at your loss and our best wishes for a fun and relaxing retirement.

Thanks again to you Ricky and I shall put some Tabasco on my fresh cod fillet that Heidi is cooking for my dinner tonight.

Best wishes

Diane Asked:
Dear John, (Please Reply)

We have cruised with Carnival for 8 years now and love everything about it! Sure we have had some problems over the years but we always have a wonderful time! We are cruising again on October 30th aboard the Dream and we were wondering if there will be a Halloween Party, maybe instead of 2 formal nights? Is there any way you can find out for us? I know that is quite a ways away but we are planners! We want to go to the Steak House one night but don’t want to miss formal night either!

Thank you for you help, we love reading your post. Keep up the good work!!

John Says:
Hello Diane

Thanks so much for your loyalty to Carnival over the years and despite the problems you have had you continue to enjoy the fun for all Carnival experience. We will indeed have a Halloween party on all our ships and as yours falls on the first elegant night you will have the elegant captain’s party and dinner followed by the shows and then the big Halloween party. You will probably find that some guests will swap their elegant night wear to horrific costumes like witches, mummies, Frankensteins and Judge Judies. It will be certainly be a brilliant evening.

The second elegant night will be on the Thursday. I hope this helps and if you have any more questions please let me know

Best wishes

Justin Asked:
John – Please reply

This is Justin, I commented on your blog telling you how I wanted to become a cruise director after my cruise on the Carnival Freedom. Well I just wanted to say I posted three times because I didn’t know how the blog worked, sorry about that but I as just wondering since I enter my email on the blog thingy if you could email me, I read your blog every day that you post and it would be awesome if you could.

John Says:
Hello Justin

I am so sorry; I hadn’t seen this yet mate. I am glad you are interested in being a cruise director. A lot of people ask me how we hire our CD’s and despite all of us having very diverse backgrounds we all stated as entertainment staff. There are certain attributes we look for here and may I suggest you read about those on our entertainment specific web site at www.carnivalentertainment.com

There you will find everything you need to know and what the job is all about. If you love people and have a good sense of humour then you are half way there. If you have any further questions please let me know. Thanks for reading the blog and I wish you all the best


Jessica Knight Asked:
Hello John,

I do hope you are enjoying your vacation; your daughter is absolutely adorable. They are so much fun at that age. I have three little charmers myself. My husband and I are sailing out on the Splendor on September 19; for my husbands birthday with another couple are joining us for there very first cruise. I was so thrilled to see that you will be our CD as I have heard many wonderful things about you. I am curious and maybe you can help me, on the website I wasn’t given the option to celebrate my husband’s birthday on the 19th which is the actual day. Is there any specific reason why that is? How do I go about having the cabin decorated for his birthday? I have seen pictures where this is possible but do not know where I can arrange it. We are really looking forward to this cruise. I do hope to get the opportunity to meet you.

Just out of curiosity is there any way to find out the name of a ventriloquist that performed on the Jubilee back in Dec of 1997? I was only a young girl when we saw him and I would love to know what ever became of him… Thank you in advance if you are able to help me out with my questions.

John Says:
Hello Jessica Knight

Thanks for the kind words. I will post a photo of Kye tomorrow. I am thrilled also that we will be together on the Carnival Splendor. I think the concern with the decorating of your stateroom is because we can’t get it done before you board as your husband’s birthday is the Sunday which is embarkation day. However, what we can do is have the stateroom decorated while you are at dinner that night so when you return it will be done. You can organize this as soon as you board at the Celebrations shop on Promenade Deck forward and if you want to pay to have this done I can let the ship know ahead of time. Please can you also leave me a note when you board at the Guest Services Desk so I can send him a birthday gift and a wish live on my Morning Show?

The only ventriloquists I can remember back then were Bob Hamill, Colonel Bill Boley and Greg Pakarkalis. However my bet is that you saw Carnival’s best ever cruise director Mr. Gary Hunter who performed with two puppets called Mr and Mrs Twee…….sound familiar? I will see you in September then and let me know if you need any further help

Best wishes to all

Katiel53 Asked:
Hi John, (Please reply)

I think you and my husband are two of a kind when it comes to new things in the kitchen as well as the TV/phone/do everything devices. He still messes up the remote on an almost daily basis and now is embarrassed to say anything, so he just moves to a TV without the fancy box/remote.

I would love to have something like the beef Wellington, as long as it isn’t the real thing with the liver pate. Yuck!!!!!

I feel the same way about Speedos as I do about women who are on the large(r) size (I am one of those) who wear two piece bathing suits. My motto is “Just because they make them in your size, it doesn’t mean you need to buy/wear them.” My last item is I was wondering if you ever were able to locate the two outfits we left on the Dream for Kye. I know that a while ago you told me that you would be checking for them and that I would hear from you. I could have missed your reply, and if I did, sorry, but I didn’t see anything more. I really hope you were able to get them. Thanks.

Frank & Gerri

John Says:
Hello Frank & Gerri

Yes, yes yes……….bugger bugger bugger. We did get the beautiful dresses. They arrived last week and had been sent from the ship to the entertainment office in Miami who sent them here to us along with all my other mail. Heidi and I cannot thank you enough. They are simply gorgeous and I will e-mail you a photo of her wearing them. I am so sorry that I haven’t said thank you until now…..no excuses…..just an apology and a massive thanks for your kindness. Kye loves them.

I am glad you have joined me in my desire to ban Speedos. And I remember when we had Beef Wellington on the menu it did have the liver stuff on the pastry and it wasn’t too popular which is why I guess it was removed. I hope we get to see each other soon so I can thank you personally for thinking of my daughter.

Best wishes to you both

Cruisingeagle Asked:
Please reply

Hi John,

I am glad you are home and spending time with your family. The timing was perfect. While you were taking a much needed break from blogging to spend time with your wife and child, I was cruising on the Carnival Triumph. I only had one blog to read when I returned home. If there had been more blogs, I would have read them to get caught up.

First, let me say thank you for requesting a table for 4 for myself, husband, son and daughter-in-law. We enjoyed our dining experience in the Paris dining room each night, late seating. Our wait staff was wonderful. In fact, the assistant waitress had been our assistant last July on the Holiday. Thank you again for assisting with the table request.

Since you have asked about if the rules are followed in the dining room I will let you know that on many nights, I would see people in the dining room wearing baseball caps. Now, does this bother me or take away from the experience I have in the dining room? No. I just shows that other people don’t no to not wear caps inside or how to read the instructions that are clearly printed in the Fun Times. I also noticed some in the dining room on the second Cruise Elegant evening in shorts.

We are a great cruise on the Carnival Triumph. The room was always cleaned; towel animals greeted us each evening when we returned to our room. The staff was very friendly. The food was great. Some of the best we have had on any of our cruises. The shore excursions where great. We did the Sargent Cay’s Snorkeling in Belize and it was wonderful. In Cozumel, we did the Dolphin Swim and Ride with lunch and had a wonderful time. Both were well organized and the tour guides were great.

We also did the Behind the Fun Tour. It was awesome. We learned a lot and had a great time. One of the things we learned was that the first production show done for the June 5 cruise, Wonderful World, was the first time that the current dancers had performed the show together. They were wonderful. You would never have known it was their first performance of this show together. The dance captain told us that that previous cast had just rotated off for vacation and this cast had just come on. The views from the bridge are amazing. Loved the tour. In fact, we are looking forward to doing it again on the Carnival Elation.

I was disappointed in the Gift Shop. This was my ninth Carnival cruise and I would say this gift shop was poorly stocked. There were only 3 choices for a Carnival Triumph t-shirt and usually there are more choices. I felt like the Holiday and a better selection of everything last July even though she would be leaving the fleet.

I had requested a ship on a stick for my birthday and for my son and daughter-in-law’s anniversary and we did not receive them. It may have been due to the fact that the cruise director, Lenny Halliday, had to leave in Belize to return home due to a medical emergency. We understand and are not upset in the least. Hope everything is ok for Lenny. He was wonderful. He has a wonderful voice. Enjoyed his singing. We also understand this was his last cruise. He was planning on retiring at the end of the cruise. Chicken took over as cruise director. What is Chicken’s given name? I do have a question: according to the cruise director schedule, Kevin Noonan should have been on board as he will now be the cruise director on the Carnival Triumph, why didn’t he take over as cruise director when Lenny had to leave?

My husband and I will do our Platinum cruise on July 17, 2010 on the Carnival Elation. We will be cruising with our youngest daughter who has just graduated college and will be moving when we return. She is joining the working world. She graduated from the University of Southern Mississippi with highest honours with a degree in accounting. We are confirmed late seating and would love a table for just the 3 of us if possible. Also, if possible, could you send her a ship on a stick (I’ll take one too as a delayed birthday gift)?

I will let you know when we return how our cruise on the Carnival Elation was. We are looking forward to it very much.

Enjoy your vacation.

Thank you for all you do to help make our cruising experience wonderful. Thank you also for the blog. It is what keeps me going between cruises.


Booking #53R9T2, Cabin M134, Carnival Elation, July 17, 2010

John Says:
Hello Cruisneagle

Thanks so much for that great review of your cruise and for highlighting the great service, food and fun. The best thing about these reviews is we can learn where we need to improve and that I can pass your comments on to the crew. They love to see their names mentioned on the blog and a copy goes on their file as well. These are the reasons I encourage everyone to try and find the time to write a review.

I was so disappointed in the gift shops and very surprised. Just having three different selections of T-Shirts is not good enough and I will send this on to our VP of the Destiny class ships, who is responsible for everything that happens on this class. We must do better in this area.

I am sorry you did not get your trophy. I had asked Lenny and I am sure he was going to send it to you as I had asked but as you may have read his father passed away mid-cruise and he had to leave. This was very sad and even more so because as you said he was due to retire at the end of that cruise and the ship had planned a big leaving party etc.

Chicken……..well his name is George something. I don’t know his last name but for whatever reason he is known as Chicken. He took over because he had been exposed to the guests already and was known around the ship. It would have been difficult for Noonan to walk out and say “Hello, you have never met me before but I am the cruise director now.” I hope you enjoyed Chicken thingy though.

I may have missed the chance to get you a trophy last time but when you cruise on the Carnival Elation later this month that I will ask Steve the CD to make sure you receive it this time.

Thank you for your loyalty to Carnival and your support for the blog thingy.

Best wishes to you and the family.

Pat G Asked:
Hello John, (Reply if you can)

Just returned home from the June 5th sailing on the Carnival Liberty. Our 27th Carnival cruise. I have to tell you from embarkation to debarkation our expectations were truly exceeded! Our stateroom stewards Kanokkorn and Irwanto cabin 7230 were the absolute best ever. Konie always had a hug for us and told us to be careful in port and make sure her kids were all back on time. Whenever Irwanto saw us coming down the hallway he would run to open our door for us. We appreciated all they did for the three of us.

Anthony and Arturo our wait team in the dining room table 426 were also the best. They could not do enough to ensure we enjoyed our dining experience. Elvis stopped by our table every night at least one time to check on us and our meal. Our friends sailing with us were truly impressed with the service on this ship.

Butch was truly a lot of fun as a CD. We really enjoyed his humor and look forward to seeing him on the Carnival Dream in September. He was very visible during our week with him. One afternoon we were out on our balcony and looked up to the Bridge and there was Butch waving at us. He is really a great guy.

The “Captain” was super. He really showed a sense of humor and was very accessible also. We also received a wave from the Bridge from him. As you probably know there was a medical emergency onboard involving a crew member on Friday? The entire situation was handled professionally. The guests were informed early on and given updated and instructions for when the Coast Guard helicopter arrived. It was amazing to see the chopper hover above the deck and pull the team member up and head away to medical help. The silence of the crew and passengers was amazing, knowing all were in one thought, praying for the life of the crew member and safety of the rescuers. We still hold the Carnival team member in our prayers and wish him/her a speedy recovery.

As a milestone cruiser we expect carnival to meet our expectations, we truly thank the Carnival Liberty team members for exceeded our expectations in every way possible, we can’t wait to board the Carnival Dream September 18th.

John Says:
Hello Pat G

And here is another brilliant review and I know that your words of praise will be most welcome by those you have taken time to write about. I will try and find out about the crew member in question and I hope that he has made a full recovery. It was wonderful to read that after the troubles I wrote about the other day where the guests refused to stop taking flash photos of the helicopter rescue were not repeated on the Carnival Liberty.

As a milestone guest you are so very special to us and it’s marvellous to read that after all your cruises you can write to say that the service you received onboard was still so fantastic. Thanks again for writing and I hope that we get to cruise together one day soon so I can shake your hand and thank you personally for your loyalty.

Best wishes to all

Monica B. Asked:
*** Please reply ***

Hi John!

Glad you’re home with your girls! Enjoy your vacation!! I come to you today with a bit of a blast from the past. When I first began to sail on CCL they had a chocolate dessert they would serve on the first night in the dining room and then again at the midnight buffet…it was called “Decadence of Chocolate”… this is now a thing of the past and I’ve been left craving it.

Is there anyway you would be able to get me the recipe for my most favorite dessert?

Thank you much!!!

John Says:
Hello Monica B

Decadence of Chocolate…..sounds like heaven. I will send your request to our Executive Chef Sanjay Dhall and see if he still has the recipe for this. If you want my recipe for Spotted Dick please let me know. I will write more about this as soon as I have any information.

Best wishes

That’s all for today

OK, a time for a bit of this and that.

I can’t write without two things…….my underpants and music. And this morning as I write to you in my underpants I am listening to band called Rush who are from Canada and as I was listening to them I remembered that it was Canada Day. So to my many Canadian friends I say “Happy Canada Day, eh”………………hope you have fun.

The new Piano Bar roster will be ready this weekend and so I will be posting it here on the blog thingy at the start of next week.

Now it’s time to make the people on the West Coast very happy……..here’s Vance to tell you all about it.

Carnival Spirit to Operate Five- and Nine-Day Cruises From Los Angeles Beginning in Fall 2011

I can hear the normally reserved people of Los Angles and the rest of California cheering now. I highlighted the Carnival Spirit last week and what a beautiful ship she is and coupled with the new exciting itineraries the dudes of California have a double win thingy going on…….. congratulations.

It’s time to highlight another one of our ships……..the Carnival Victory. I only spent one contract on this fantastic ship. This was back in 2001 a year after she was launched. The ship was homeported in Miami and used to depart on a Sunday and would alternate seven-day eastern and western Caribbean cruises. Carnival Victory was in direct competition with Carnival Triumph which also sailed on an eastern and western Caribbean itinerary from Miami on Saturdays.

Now when I say that we were in competition I should specify that I meant the two cruise directors were. You see, for three years I was on the Carnival Triumph as cruise director while for three straight years the cruise director of the Carnival Victory was the one and only Corey Schmidt. Corey and I were great friends and we loved to take the you know what out of each other and we would always battle to get the highest ratings from the comment cards and the most onboard revenue. Corey had all the tools needed to be the best. He was funny, personable and good looking………the bastard. He had a fantastic bird show where parrots called Daisy, Rio and Angel would fly around the theatre……..Corey would always warn guests not to look up with their mouths open!

He was brilliant and his show was brilliant. Corey is now working in the film and TV industry and from what I understand he is very successful. We talk on email now and then and I miss him a lot. Now, for those who sailed with Corey and or would like to find out more about his career with Carnival, here is a link thingy to a great interview he did with my friends from Cruisemates.


Anyway, back to the Carnival Victory and let’s see where she is sailing to.


  • ST. THOMAS, USVI  – 7 am to 5 pm
  • DOMINICA –  10 am to 6 pm
  • BARBADOS  – 8 am to 5 pm
  • ST. LUCIA, WI –  8 am to 5 pm
  • ST KITTS, WI – 8 pm to 6 pm
  • ST. MAARTEN, NA 7 am to 5 pm

Now for those who love port-intensive cruising this is the ultimate of course and with ports like Dominica, St. Lucia and Barbados it is no wonder that this is one of our most popular itineraries. I have never been a CD on a ship with no sea days and can’t imagine not having them but as I said………….this itinerary is a huge hit with Carnival guests.

If you want to do this run and have a sea day to do bugger all on then remember the Carnival Victory has a one-time eight-day cruise Dec. 18-26 calling at the same ports as above and with that well deserved sea day at the end of the voyage. There is also a 6-day Southern Caribbean cruise as well on December 26th. Here it is:

  • Monday, Dec 26 SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO 10 pm
  • Tuesday, Dec 27 FUN DAY AT SEA
  • Wednesday, Dec 28 BARBADOS 8 am to 5 pm
  • Thursday, Dec 29 ST. LUCIA, WI 8 am to 5 pm
  • Friday, Dec 30 ST. MAARTEN, NA 8 am to 6 pm
  • Saturday, Dec 31 ST. THOMAS, USVI 7 am to 6 pm
  • Sunday, Jan 01 SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO 7 am

That’s a great way to welcome in the New Year.

I wonder what 2011 will have in store the Carnival Victory. Anyway, let’s have a look at her and those who work onboard. They are Captain Salvatore Messina, Hotel Director Sam Ackrill, Senior Maitre D Joseph Anthony, Maitre D Ryan Pretorious, Chef De Cuisine Frank Fernandes, Cruise Director Karl with a K and the fantastic crew………..here they are.

Another great slide show and there will be other ships featured next week.

Our new Carnival commercials have been met with much cheer and everyone tells me they really like them and that they get the fun for all point across clearly. There was some talk about us getting a famous person to be our spokesperson. Now obviously the people that decided this didn’t ask for my opinion, why would they? But if they had done I would have shouted a loud “no” because personally I have never bought anything because someone famous tells me to do so.

Right now here on British TV a famous soccer player called Jamie and his pop star wife Louise are advertising for a British travel and cruise company.  In it she is seen riding a horse in slow motion through the surf of some deserted beach, her skimpy white flowing dress blowing in the gentle breeze as her white stallion glides her through the tanzanite blue water.

Meanwhile her husband is playing barefoot keepie-uppie with a soccer ball on a beach while wearing a black suit and tie, all to a breathless porn film voiceover that basically says: “Look how beautiful we are and we’re rich and we have rumpy pumpy every night.”

What a load of bollocks! Come on, these two would never ever take a package holiday. They are a hugely successful company and do what they do very well but their average customers are hard working people not pop stars and mega rich sports stars. I wonder if the average person has decided to book a vacation with them because of this commercial.

I don’t see how these adverts work, anyway. We currently have some singer called Ribina, Rehanna, something like that…..according to Heidi she apparently had a song about an umbrella ……..anyway she is promoting vacations to Universal Studios Florida. She does a series of commercials showing off all they have to offer including her on a rollercoaster that flies passengers vertically through thin air only stopping just before your spine comes off decapitating the person behind you. Why not just show the rollercoaster…….why pay the umbrella lady millions of dollars to talk about the damn thing.

I just saw this commercial and as much as I hate rollercoasters, you can’t help but look at the thing and go “bloody hell.” This means nobody is looking at Reanha or whatever her name is and unless she is going to suddenly whip off all her clothes during the commercial and do naughty things with an umbrella, I doubt anyone gives a crap if it’s her telling us about it or some chap called Ed from Michigan.

The one I disliked the most though was Tiger’s Nike commercial. Did you see it before Nike removed it after finding out their spokesperson was a raging nymphomaniac? It was a shameless pile of bollocks in which the voice of Woods’ dead father was used to ask his son “Did you learn anything?” If dead parents aren’t even sacred, then what is? Did that ad sell a single extra pair of shoes? And anyway shouldn’t Tiger now be a spokesperson for Trojan or Durex?

Talking of famous people many of you wrote in yesterday telling me that Megan Fox is now married. And just as Marcia Brady did when she got a boyfriend on the Brady Bunch and just as Angelina Jolie did when she went totally bonkers and just as Jessica Simpson did when she had a relationship with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken…….she and her bottom have broken my heart.


Your friend,

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.