The Three Amigos

July 9, 2010 -

John Heald

A colleague of mine who will remain nameless has lost many pounds by doing something called the cookie diet. This was I thought the diet for me as it involved eating loads of cookies every day. Unfortunately these apparently are not Cadbury’s chocolate digestives but special diet cookies that are drier than a Saudi Arabian pub and taste like the inside of Ghandi’s flip flop ….. and along with the fact that they have sugar in them means I wont be doing this diet then. But it has worked for my mate who was never a fat chap but wanted to lose some extra pounds so he could enjoy riding his bike and playing football with his son……the extra lean and fit bastard that he is.

But this got me thinking that maybe there was a fad diet out there that could help me shed the 40 pounds Doctor Ramitin demanded. And so I asked my Uncle Google for help and after deleting any reference to herbal teas that make you lose weight because you spend hours on the toilet I discovered what seems to be a miracle herbal diet pill. It’s called Zottrim.

It is apparently made three South American plants and supposedly cuts your appetite by nearly a fifth, delaying the rate at which your stomach empties.  It all sounded brilliant………..but then I started thinking………… that’s nothing. I can suggest plenty of other methods that will kill your hunger and won’t cost $77 for a pot of pills.

For instance, whenever I see myself naked in the mirror I’m so appalled, horrified and repelled that not only can I not eat — I want to vomit up my own sternum. I feel the same when I think of Judge Judy having rumpy pumpy or when I look at photos of the Norwegian Epic. All of these are helpful as part of a calorie-controlled diet and will save some rare Amazonian plants from being picked, crushed and sold at Walgreens.

The best appetite suppressant, of course, is getting dumped. I remember when my first love “T” dumped me for a good looking musician……I lost multiple pounds. Yep………. show me a person with a broken heart, and I’ll show you someone about to lose tons of weight on a diet of Jack Daniels………… and their own snot.

And so I have realized that I am to happy in my own working and family life and need to do something drastic that will affect me so much that I lose that 40 pounds. Right then. I could really f***-up at work that might get fired. I could walk up to Gerry Cahill wearing a I Love Climbing Walls T-Shirt…..nope……not drastic enough…….mmm….oh yes, I know ….I will make an announcement through the PA system when I am on the Carnival Splendor next month. “For crew only…….abandon ship….abandon ship.” Yep that should result in my termination.

The nightly terrors I would have about me and my girls living in a cardboard box under a bridge would create such a sting in the solar plexus that eating seems as ridiculous an idea as Stevie Wonder becoming the new coach of the Miami Heat!

There are less drastic options. Such as me using the changing rooms in a Victoria’s Secret.

Imagining that I am having rumpy pumpy with Judge Judy or thinking back to the sights and smells of when Kye vomited all over Brian and his taxi. Changing. And getting a close up view on Lido Deck of a particularly hairy 70-year-old man wearing Speedos.

If you can finish your meal in those circumstances well, you might as well say, sod it ……………… and have another chocolate melting cake.

Here comes today’s Q and A.

Dorothy Asked:
John Please reply

I’m taking a cruise with my step granddaughter who will be 19 when we cruise. I was told by my sister that we had to send in a form from her parents giving their permission for her to go with us. If I do where do I find the form and how early does it have to be sent. We are sailing on the Carnival Dream for Halloween. Thanks.

John Says:
Hello Dorothy

I am not aware of any such form that is needed for her to board the ship. She is 19 and a consenting adult so there are no concerns there. You will have a great time together and it will be a brilliant cruise and a great way to spend Halloween.

If you have any other questions please let me know.

Best wishes
John

AshleyPatricia Asked:
JOHN PLEASE REPLY

Hi John!!

Couple Questions: How do you become a premier member? Why are the pools so small? And has the Cruise line ever cancelled a cruise due to weather? If so do they get reimbursed?

I am 25 years old and I just went on my FIRST Carnival Cruise with some friends (ish) of mine. (I say “ish” because one of them was my friend the other two were her cousins who I’d never met before…) We cruised on the LEGEND with CD Wee Jimmy and I cannot even express how much fun we had!! I know you guys are the “fun” ship but I just want to take some time and let you know what an amazing staff you have on the Legend.

First of all our waiters Indra and Santos (Early Seating Table 388 June 6th-14th) were AMAZING. Indra knew my name, my room number, my folio number, my salad preference and my bread preference by the second night. Santos was just as much on top of things as Indra was. As a group of single girls we were there to have fun and part of that without a doubt is flirting. We had SO much fun with them!! They made all of us feel like we were the most important people on the ship!!

My Bar waitress, Gergana was wonderful too. She knew my name, folio number, and drink preference and was at my table each night like clockwork. I never even had to lift my eyes to search for her. She was always just there. And when I saw her another time in Follies, she made sure she greeted me and asked me how my day was at the Port of Call I loved her! 🙂

The assistant Maitre D’ (I forget his name but he was tall dark and handsome!! 😉 was so helpful to us. My friend who has battled sciatica for a while now was unable to sit comfortably in her chair. The chairs gave her leg spasms and caused them to lock up completely and for the first few nights really ruined the rest of her evening each night. Finally I asked the Maitre D’ to do something about her chair he switched out her chair and bought her in one that was padded and comfortable from the Lounge just outside Truffles. He also arranged for a wheelchair for her and she was wheeled to her room one night when the pain was really extreme. He was a super great guy and I think it is a shame that he wasn’t included in the gratuity fees. I think each guest should have to pay $80.00 in gratuity (opposed to $70.00) just so he can have a RIGHTFUL tip!

In the Lido buffet Ignatious (Iggy) From India, and another guy who we called Dennis (because we couldn’t pronounce his name) were wonderful. They would sing to us and dance for us and one time we were sitting at our “regular” table where we always made sure to sit and my friend said “I could go for some frozen yogurt right about now” I said “mmm strawberry vanilla swirl!” by the time we had all decided to actually get up and get some ice-cream Ignatius was on his way with four cones in hand. He even had the flavors that we wanted. Crazy good service. One day we even asked them to visit us at our table at dinner that night and they CAME!! We couldn’t believe it!! So fun! 🙂 🙂

Vladimir and Eduardo the photographers were always making us laugh. My friends had a “crush” on Vladimir and sought his attention every time they went through the Photo gallery. He was always willing to give it and made them feel special. As photographers it is their job to make you feel beautiful and glamorous and they succeeded! 🙂

My room steward was D’Cruz (Joe). on the 4th Deck. We had some special requests and weren’t able to get quite what we needed but he worked around what we finally decided to do. We had 4 people in our room and of the 4, 3 couldn’t go onto the uppers due to disabilities (CP and Siatica) and weight limits. We resolved to pull the mattress off the upper and put it on the floor between the two beds on the floor. It was difficult to deal with, he had to move the mattress every day, he never complained once. The one time I tried to get another mattress to stack (because it was very uncomfortable on the floor) He redirected me to his supervisor. She was rude. I don’t remember her name but I was very appalled by her lack of willingness to help accommodate. She even told me that we weren’t allowed to put a mattress on the floor and we’d have to put it back. I asked her what her solution to the problem was because no one was going to sleep standing up. She just repeated her self over and over again. Finally I just smiled, said thank you, and closed the door. We left the mattress on the floor and D’cruz was so kind about it. As was his assistants (I forget their names). DIfficult guests make your job harder and I really appreciated him going out of his way to take care of us despite that added difficulty.

And Finally the Program Staff. Words cannot describe how wonderfully kind these people are. Sexy Craig, Dick Lopez, and Brianca were great. (Albiet, Brianca was a little unorganized…she finally started to get it together by the end of the week. ha!) My friend has Cerebral Palsy and is limited with her walking, she uses crutches to help her get around. She was treated like a QUEEN every time she walked into the Follies Lounge. Dick especially made her feel special and so did Sexy. I also want to add that as a young person who is overweight, sometimes men (yes, even adult men) are afraid to be polite, friendly, kind etc to me because they are afraid I will begin to “like” them or be interested. It was so nice for people to be Normal towards me.

We sat in the front row of Follies EVERY NIGHT and LOVED the shows. The dancers were great and when they helped with some of the other program things it was fun to talk to them and hear their story. My favorite Dancer was Brett. He was really nice and didn’t act like talking to me was his “Job” even though it was. He acted like he genuinely cared if I was having fun and wanted to hear how my vacation was going.

Wee Jimmy was mean but he was HILARIOUS. There were times when I was borderline offended then he would say something to make me laugh uncontrollably. I loved how Sexy Craig would smooth over Jimmy’s meanness somehow. He did it all the time. It was great. Sexy was definitely MY personal favorite on the ship and I hope that someday he is promoted from assistant director to actual director. When he is I will be on His Ship because he is SO funny and just seems like a really great guy! 🙂

My friends were not the “Beach Going, Dancing type” so they spent a lot of their time in the Lobby Playing Cards while I went to the parties and lounges alone. One thing I will say is that it was very hard initially to go to the parties alone (The team challenge, farewell party, etc) but once I was there, the program staff made sure that I didn’t feel like a total idiot. They danced with me they got me involved and they made me feel like I didn’t need my friends (Even though I wished they were there). It was the amazing Program staff.

You have a wonderful staff! I enjoyed my cruise so much that I have convinced my entire family to go on The Dream in spring 2011, my BEST FRIENDS and I are going on the Valor in October of 2011 and my co-workers are going in February. I will always ALWAYS recommend a Carnival Cruise. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!

Ashley

John Says:
Hello Ashley

That is one of the best reviews I have read in a long time and written with so much passion and honesty. I want you to know that I will be passing your thoughts and words of praise to everyone mentioned and their supervisors. The pools are as big as we can make them with the deck space we have on the ship. We need to allow as much space as possible for the sun beds and for music and activities etc. I know that at times they can feel a little crowded though. Then you asked about the weather. This is obviously something that no cruise line can control and if we do miss a port because of high winds or seas we usually will not reimburse guests outside of a refund of the port fees.

I see you met Ugly Craig and Wee Jimmy who sound like they make quiet a team. I would also like you to ask your friend with cerebral palsy if there are any areas in which we could have made the cruise more comfortable for her and if she can think of any to please let me know so we can continue to improve.

I was disappointed to read that a staff member was rude to you and I will make sure that this incident is looked into.

Most importantly though is that you all had fun and that clearly shines through that whole review of your cruise.

I hope you all get to sail with us again very soon.

Best wishes to you all
John

K.R.T. Asked:
Please reply.

I just got back from the Dream and have to say that while we mostly had an OK time the standard of the other passengers was not as I would have found if I had been on other cruise ships of Royal or NCL. It was our first Carnival cruise and the restaurant was so noisy it was unbearable. The people we shared our dinner with also had body smells and we demanded to be moved. There were children everywhere underfoot and no Carnival staff seemed to care. My question is this. Are the people we found on the Dream the normal Carnival passenger or were we just unlucky?

John Says:
Hello K.R.T.

I am often asked if there is such a thing as a typical Carnival guest and the answer is absolutely no!

Each and every cruise on each and every ship you will find a truly mixed demographic and that is one of the reasons we are the world’s most popular cruise line. I am sorry to hear about your concerns in the dining room the dining rooms were noisy because I am sure it was the sound of people engaged in conversation discussing their day and what fun awaits them tomorrow. So in answer to your question I have to be honest and say yes……you probably did encounter a typical Carnival cruise. I am not going to apologize for that or suggest that the next time you will encounter anything different except that obviously during school time the number of children onboard decreases a lot. I hope that you will look back on your cruise and realize the great time you had. One last thing……….I have never cruised with the two other lines you have mentioned but I am pretty sure I can safely say that while our guests are certainly into having more fun there is little or no difference between the guests on our ships and the passengers on those other lines.

Best wishes to you both
John

Jarrett Asked:
Dear John, (Please Reply)

I am 18 and read your blog often after I cruised with you on the Carnival Freedom last summer. Those activities for 18-20 year old that you have listed look to be superb. I am currently booked on the Carnival Destiny for July, and I have been looking forward to my cruise. However, I have been a little worried about what kind of activities my age group will have. I hope these will be on the Carnival Destiny by then. You did mention that a lot of these events were poorly attended. Could it be that the events just were not announced and pushed enough? As you have posted, the 18-20 year old age range is just as big as the other age groups (i.e.: Circle C and Club 02). This is a great start for Carnival! However, hearing that some events are poorly attended is somewhat depressing to me. I think if you are able to get a few to come early then maybe more and more would come and stay because no one is going to stay if there’s no crowd. This is by far a great start for Carnival, and a whole lot more than what was previously offered. I hope that as more and more of the summer crowds come in the program will continue to grow. I hope a few of the activities will be available to my age group on my Carnival Destiny cruise in July.

Sincerely,
Jarrett

John Says:
Hello Jarrett

Please can you send me a report when you get back from your cruise on the Carnival Destiny? I am not sure when you are sailing but it will be great to know what you thought of our program for 18 to 20 year olds. We have learned that despite big promotions of the events and activities what this age group seem to want more than anything else is a room to meet and someone to help make the introductions. That first night event is the best attended and once new friendships have been made then most seem to be happy with this and go off together to do their own thing in their own time.

Anyway, it will be great to have a firsthand report so please let me know what happens.

Best wishes and have a fun time
John

Ducky Asked:
Dear John (please reply),

Well my experiment with driving to the Port of NY for a Miracle cruise (8 hours) was a huge success; I hate to fly. Everything was A++ and the Officers, management and crew should be commended.

On the other hand – Boy do you need an editor (A little constructive criticism).

First, I think you need to take greater care to ensure that peoples booking number don’t show up in their questions; after all this is the internet.

Secondly, stop posting the tattle-tale letters I don’t think it’s very professional.

Otherwise keep up the great work.

John Says:
Hello Ducky

I am sorry if we posted your booking number. The 344 Stephanies and I always try to keep personal information off the blog but sometimes we mess up………….sorry again.

Carnival continues to put ships in as many home ports as possible making it easier for you to get to the ships. I realize 8 hours is a long time to drive but considering your hatred of flying it sounds like it worked out well. Thanks for your commendation of the ship and her crew which I will pass along.

Best wishes and thanks for supporting the blog
John

Danny Paris Asked:
Please reply

Mr. Heald,

I am French, so maybe my English will not be so good…

We are booked on the Fantasy July 7 sailing out of Charleston.

It’s our 4th cruise and my son always ask for a “ship on a stick” but I can’t find them anywhere… since it will be his 8th anniversary the day prior of the cruise, I wish to give him one.

I tried to get in touch with Risa Barnes through carnival.com but the “guest solution specialist” said cant reach her…

Could you help me find a **** ship on a stick for my son, I will pay for it!

Thank you.
Danny Paris
Québec, Canada

John Says:
Hello Danny

Your English was perfect. I read the first words where you said you were “French” and thinking you were from Paris I was about to press the “delete” button but then saw that its your name that is Paris and that you are from the beautiful country of Canada and the charming city of Quebec. I have sent this to Risa today and she will send your son a trophy.

Best wishes and mon derriere scherder du fromage……….for you non-French speaking bloggers that is French for “my bottom smells of cheese.”

John

Harleyman Asked:
please reply

I am reading the Cruise Critic messaging boards and see that you are able to take requests. I want to give my wife a ring during the cruise in front of the passengers on stage to celebrate 1o years together. Can you do this and if so what should I do. I will also need a private table for 2. We are on the Triumph in September.

John Says:
Hello Harleyman.

I will certainly ask the cruise director if he is prepared to help you arrange this. I am sure he will find sometime during the cruise for this to happen. Please send me your name, sailing date and cabin and I will send both requests to the ship.

Best wishes to you both
John

Maribeth Kring asked:
Dear John, Please Reply,

Loved the highlights of the Carnival Legend, it really brought me back to last summer when I was there with Jen Baxter!

My question is do you know yet who the piano entertainer will be for the Christmas/New years cruise? A friend of mine will be on that cruise and she’d really like to know. I checked Ms. Laura’s Piano site but that listing is missing.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Big Ed’s Little Cousin
Maribeth Kring

John Says:
Hello Maribeth – Big Ed’s Little Cousin

I just read an e mail from our President of Piano Bar Entertainers, Laura reminding me that I had promised to post the new piano bar schedule. I apologize to her and to everyone else who is waiting for this and will send a reminder to the office today. I am not sure if it will include contracts up to Christmas but we shall see. If not I will let you know as soon as I can.

Best wishes to you and your daughter
John

David & Lucy Asked:
John, I have a favor to ask (Please Reply)

My wife and I will be taking our Milestone cruise on the Spirit, sailing on July 13, 2010. My sister and her husband will be flying in from England to join us. Could you please contact the Maître d’ and pave the way for a table request.

We would like to be in the main dining (Empire?) for early seating; preferably a table for 4, not a booth. Somewhere at the lower level of the dining room in the middle area so my wife can easily get up and have plenty of room to dance with the crew. She loves it!

Thanks, David and Lucy Wyatt (also Peter & Deborah Leckie)

John Says:
Hello David and Lucy

Many, many congratulations on achieving Milestone status this coming weekend. I have sent your table request today myself and I am sure they will be able to accommodate you.

Have a great time all together and tell me all about it when you get home.

Best wishes to you all.
John

Katiel53 Asked:
John, Please Reply,

Heidi, it was great hearing from you. I think men put diapers on backward so they don’t have to change them again. It will be up to you to do it until Kye is potty-trained. Men are quite clever in figuring how to get out of doing things they don’t want to.

John,

I wish there were an adults only pool on every ship. I like going into the water, but when I have spent time doing my hair, I don’t like having it get wet from some children splashing. I know that is selfish, so I don’t use the pools now. I also know we can’t make kids stop splashing as “it’s their vacation too.”

As far as the debarkation talks go, we don’t attend the talks, don’t watch them on TV, just go by the letter we get for Platinum cruisers or when travelling with others who aren’t, look at the Capers (uh-oh, wrong name) to see the approximate times for each color. I don’t see where it’s necessary to have a talk in a theatre.

I kind of agree with Big Ed regarding people and Cruise Critic. There are a few people who tell everyone/anyone to ask John for whatever you want. Oh, I mean tell John what you want him to do. I think the annoying thing is that they don’t ask politely, they demand (.I didn’t see where TalkTalk Bonnie asked, she demanded.) I know you want to help, but if no courtesy is used, then, if it were me, I’d ignore them. I know you aren’t like that, but it is very rude of them.

You do a great job on here and when people don’t appreciate your work or show respect, it ticks me off. OK, off my soapbox for today.

John Says:
Hello Katiel53

This blog is certainly a soapbox for views and comments and opinions. We may not all agree with what someone else says or thinks but that’s what makes the world such an interesting place to live. I also wish we had space onboard for adult only pools but as we are limited and having so many families sail as we do it just isn’t possible. What we can do is enforce the no jumping in the pool rule we have and I will make sure that I send your thoughts on this to the right people.

Most ships are managing well without a debarkation talk although it is necessary on some ships if the process is more complicated. However, not having them on most of the fleet has not slowed down the debarkation process at all. While I will always try and help everyone who asks for it I must admit it is always nice if a request is accompanied by a please and or a thank you …………as you will have seen today …………it doesn’t always happen.

Thanks then for the kind words and for reading this little blog thingy of ours.

Best wishes to you and the family
John

That’s your lot for today and I will be back with more on Monday. Since I posted yesterday that I will be taking reservations for Chef’s Table I have had 45 requests already which will be sent to the ship. I am glad I am able to do this for you all.

Right, as promised let’s talk about the Carnival Inspiration. I can’t really tell you much about her because along with Carnival Miracle, Carnival Paradise, Carnival Pride, Carnival Spirit and Carnival Elation she is a ship that I have never visited or served upon. I do know though that she has a beautiful interior and is a firm favourite (spelt correctly) with many. So, let’s have a look at where she goes.

5 Day Western Caribbean Itinerary

TAMPA, FL 4:00pm

FUN DAY AT SEA

GRAND CAYMAN, CAYMAN ISLANDS 8:00am 3:00pm

COZUMEL, MEXICO 11:00am 8:00pm

FUN DAY AT SEA

TAMPA, FL 8:00am

4 Day Western Caribbean Itinerary

TAMPA, FL 4:00pm

FUN DAY AT SEA

COZUMEL, MEXICO 8:00am 7:00pm

FUN DAY AT SEA

TAMPA, FL 8:00am

Let’s have a look at some photos and feature those who you will meet onboard including Hotel Director Damir, Maitre D Ramesh, Cruise Director Paul Santley and of course Captain Roberto Tine.

Now you may be thinking that those photos were really vibrant and clear and that is of course because they were taken by Carnival’s Senior Photographer and great mate of the blog…… Radu. Thanks as always Radu for those great shots which I am sure those who will be cruising on the Carnival Inspiration will truly appreciate. I know the people of Tampa and the surrounding area love the Carnival Inspiration, it is like their second home and I hope to sail on her myself one day.

I understand from Host Mach my great friend from Cruise Critic that there are some who are very disappointed about the cancellation of a couple of Carnival Pride cruises because of the ship is entering dry dock. I have sent these comments up the line and while that happens let me apologize to all those that this has affected.

Let’s move from photos to some videos. I mentioned the other day that during the pre-inaugural festivities of your Carnival Dream, Carnival held a contest to find a junior reporter who would cover the event. The contest was won by 13-year-old Deidra Shores of Memphis, Tennessee and this past week she was on her Carnival Dream and here are her superb interviews for you to enjoy.

http://www.carnival.com/Funville/Watch/default.aspx

And still on the subject of videos we now get an exclusive look at what is happening in Italy …… and your Carnival Magic.

http://www.carnival.com/Funville/media/p/620274.aspx

Great stuff and voiced by the one and only Peter the hair of course. I hope to visit the ship yard in the winter and take lots of video to show you here on the blog thingy. I can’t wait!

There have been many famous trios in years past. The Three Tenors, The Good the Bad and The Ugly, The Three Wise Men……..ummmm……..oh yes……Snap, Crackle and Pop. There was the Nina, The Pinta and The Santa Maria, Charlie’s Angels and of course…….Tom, Dick and Harry.

But surely the most famous trio in the world are now the Miami Heat’s Dwayne Wade, LeBron James and Chris Bosh.

I have a feeling that over the coming months it could make the Miami Heat the most compelling show in world sports……..unless me and Megan Fox decide to play some naked beach volleyball.

And in celebration of basketball here are 3 towel animal videos. Enjoy.

http://www.carnival.com/Funville/media/p/472600.aspx

http://www.carnival.com/Funville/media/p/472032.aspx

http://www.carnival.com/Funville/media/p/472579.aspx

You would probably agree with me that some of our best stateroom stewards are male. This means that some of the finest cleaners in the cruise industry have names like Arthur, Raul and Ravidaswaniketutbadabingbollocovski.

I say this because I am fed up with being told about the “useless male.” Yesterday I had to write my blog to you in my office while downstairs Heidi and the friends she met during her birthing classes sat around talking about how crap they were around the house.

Evidently it makes women feel better to paint men as idiot mess creators around the house because it makes them feel better by thinking the family would implode without them.

I have this to say on the subject…………………… bollocks.

But it’s not really Heidi or the other women’s fault…….. it is television. There is a TV commercial on British TV that sums this up……………have a look at this.

So, let’s analyze this shall we. His girlfriend pours beer around their flat causing him to crawl about slurping it like a dog, implying that men are lazy, beer crazy slobs and this is the only way they’ll clean up. Well, that was made by an ad agency, places which employ both genders, not just ball-busting bearded females.

TV for some reason has created a world in which wives are smugly competent and husband’s naughty little boys wearing expressions like they’ve just farted.

Kye’s favourite program is no better. It’s called Peppa Pig and it’s about a family of….. ummmm ………. pigs. There is a happy kid pig called Pepper and a wise and loving Mummy pig. Then there is the lazy, fat, thick as a brick father who is always making a tit of himself as he gets sucked into the vacuum cleaner bag or falls off a ladder. The end of each show always finishes the same way when the rest of the pig family all says in unison …..“Silly Daddy Pig!”

So, here is a message to TV people and to my wife and the women of the world.

Let’s just agree that unless you are a stateroom steward on a Carnival ship there are some household jobs which are invisible to men such as the need to replenish toilet paper rolls or know the bed sheets need changing even if they are hosting a nest of baby rats.

After Heidi and her friends had finished with the subject of how crap we are around the house they moved on to how tired they all were running a house and looking after a 1 year old. Men ……take my word for this……..you will never ever win this argument. Even if a woman gets 35 hours of sleep a day she will still tell you how tired she is when she wakes up.

Women also have the monopoly on the right to feel the most tired. Even if you have cleaned every cabin on your Carnival Dream, licked the Lido Deck clean with your tongue and painted the entire outside of the ship using a toothbrush………she will still say she is more tired than you.

OK, time to go because we are off shopping and that means it’s also time for an argument. I have seen this so many times during my time as a CD as you shop to you drop in places like St. Thomas and Cozumel. You see, it is absolutely bloody impossible for men and women to spend the day shopping without a huge argument breaking out…………unless:

1. He is metrosexual or Elton John

2. He has been castrated

3. He is dead

4. There is the absolute certainty that there will be rumpy pumpy at the end of the shopping trip.

We will be shopping for clothes for Heidi because she has no summer dresses apart from the 2 billion hanging in her closet. I know exactly what will occur.

She will try something on while I stand with Kye and the stroller waiting…………..slowly losing the will to live. Heidi will then come out of the changing room and ask my opinion.

I will say “I love it.”

Heidi will say “really?”

I will say “Yes, it’s gorgeous, buy it now. Please save my soul so I can get out of this non air-conditioned overlit hell hole. Yes I really like it. No I am not just saying that. It’s the best sodding dress I have ever seen in my life. If you don’t want it I will have it and wear it on the Queen Victoria. Please just BUY THE F**KING DRESS.

Of course she won’t.

Kye and I will be forced to visit another 177 shops……then go back to the first one…….and buy it.

Goodnight
Your friend
John.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.