Short and Sweet

July 24, 2010 -

John Heald

It’s Saturday morning and I have just returned from 25 minutes of peace and quiet in the bathroom. Unfortunately as I sat down to release my body of the 2 pounds of suckling pig I had eaten the night before I realised that I had no reading material……………….bugger. To my horror the only thing available to me was one of Heidi’s girly magazine’s called something like Hair and Beauty or Slim Hair or Beautiful Vogue or Slim Voguemopolitan or something like this. It was either read this or sit there doing bugger all while I waited for Percy the Pig to make an appearance.

And so I read her magazine.

Apparently it is really easy to get the perfect body ready for your vacation to the beach or your time on Lido Deck. According to what I just read all you have to do is cut out saturated fats, dairy, carbs, alcohol, sugar, fruit, laughter and the will to live and you’re on your way to what Heidi’s magazine called “sizzling summer look”………………….oh what a load of bollocks.

We all know the “bikini diet” is entirely unnecessary because the brain undergoes a denial process the moment we walk onto Lido Deck. It tells women that a sarong is a miracle garment that can instantly slim thighs the size of a Lifeboat, and that standing in the Mongolian Wok line, aged 70, naked save for a thong and two triangles on your breasts, is normal.

Take my advice………….forget what these magazines say and listen to Doctor John……………you can look thinner on Lido Deck in seconds and still enjoy a huge lunch and an extra chocolate melting cake. Simply lay down your towel next to the fattest person you can find………………and that’s probably me.

See you on Monday.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.