Guest: Mrs.     Ref: 842027114A
Cabin: ————- Added-Changed: 08/30/10 – 08/30/10

Gst with symptoms of potentially infectious illness has been isolated. All necessary requirements as per policy carried out to make the guests feel comfortable. Note: Guest was very abusive to staff as she feels that she should not have to remain in cabin as directed. Security called


Hounour Offer…Honour Offer…Honour Offer

August 30, 2010 -

John Heald

You see a lot when you go backstage during one of our production shows. The dancers run around changing out of one costume into another and there are times when they do this right in front of you as you stand there waiting to announce the bows and finale of the show. Now some of you with Adams Apples may think that this sounds exciting……and maybe 20 years ago ….. well …….it might have been.

A Magic Coin!

August 28, 2010 -

John Heald

Dear Bloggers,

Let me start off by saying that as someone who sits behind a desk all day eating tofu and searching for pictures of mini dachshunds (this is according to John, of course), I have not experienced many adventures and don’t have nearly as funny or interesting stories as John does; so what I’ve experienced in the last 24 hours has been truly amazing! I don’t really know where to start, so will just get to the heart of the story – the Carnival Magic’s coin ceremony.

So I came back stage ready for the Marriage Show and was horrified to discover that one of the entertainment staff was playing some hip hop rap crap drum and arse bollocks as pre-show music. I rapidly inserted my foot in his bottom and then asked why he was playing Pee Diddly and Snoop the sodding Dog before a show about love and honeymoon and romance. The excuse of “it’s all we have got backstage” resulted in my other foot finding a resting place in his chocolate starfish.

So, after the show I called the DJ and asked him for some more appropriate music. He then told me that this would take a day or two as he needed to “burn some CDs.” Now, I know that “burn some CD’s ” doesn’t involve pouring gasoline over Todd Wittmer (more…)

Look Out Mac Is Back

August 26, 2010 -

John Heald

Apart from the little gang on Cruise Critic who have a coronary every time I try and help people, top of my current “You’re getting on my sodding nerves” list…… Apple………….not the fruit …….not Gwyneth Paltrow’s unfortunately named sprog………….but Apple……….the computer stuff. I know I am going to get a bollocking from many of you but I can’t help myself …………….. don’t like Apple products. And the better designed they become, the more I want to shove them up someone’s bottom.

All my staff have them and at a meeting the other day there were more Eye Pads and Eye Phones then there were people round the table.

The most astonishing thing happened to me last night………….I was blamed for the BP oil spill.

Obviously I have a British accent both on and off stage. This might have something to do with the fact that well…………….. I’m British………… British as The Queen, Fawlty Towers, warm beer, spotted dick, cricket and curry.

There are times on stage when I enhance this accent and also adopt certain words to guests when I meet them on the Promenade Deck and I often finish my morning shows and announcements with the word “Cheers.”

The Magic Frog

August 24, 2010 -

John Heald

I went to the Red Carpet Dance Club last night. Not the sort of sentence I get to write very often, because I enjoy nightclubs less than I enjoy having a colonoscopy. But because one of my staff had her 21st birthday and the entire department was going and because they expected me to pay for the drinks………..I promised to come for a few minutes

Obviously, at 45, I was more than a decade older than almost everyone else, and subsequently may as well have been smeared head to toe with my in yak poo. (more…)

Magic Moments

August 23, 2010 -

John Heald


August 23, 2010 -

News From Steph

A piece of tofu seems to have gotten stuck in the computer thingies which is why the videos are not working. They will be soon I promise. So please keep checking back as the men and women with beards are going to fix it very soon.


The Pits

August 23, 2010 -

John Heald

Guest: Mrs.  ————Ref: 843070992A
Cabin: _____Booking#: _____Added-Changed: 08/19/10 – 08/19/10


Guest reported that her son had been injured ashore in Mazatlan while riding moped by falling off. Mr ______ age 17 has broken wrist and seen by Mexico hospital. Note: Guest was injured on private tour not on CCL recommended one.

Good morning everyone. As I mentioned during recent blogs, last cruise was somewhat difficult and while most had the best of times (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.