1983

September 30, 2010 -

John Heald

This will not be my greatest blog ever because it is being written at break neckspeed because the ship’s computers were all down this morning for two hours. Don’t ask me why because I tried asking one of the IT guys here and he basically told me to bugger off…….or whatever the Filipino equivalent is……magan buggeri offio fat ti …….because he was stressed trying to do what IT guys do when things stop working.
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President Thomas

September 29, 2010 -

John Heald

I met two guests this morning as I got my coffee. They were very sad because they were having to leave the ship today in Puerto Vallarta because there had been a death in the family……………….. (more…)

Symptoms May Include

September 28, 2010 -

John Heald

I have now committed to being the cruise director on your Carnival Magic. It makes sense for me to do this as I have to host the first arrival events in Galveston and I have let people down the last two times on the Carnival Freedom and Carnival Splendor because my schedule changed. However, as I have been and always will be with you here on this blog thingy, I have to be honest and tell you I am somewhat apprehensive about serving as CD to this wonderful ship.
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Minus Three

September 27, 2010 -

John Heald

As some of you may know I have been sending regular updates and encouraging hearty and fun banter on my Facebook thingy. Well on Thursday Facebook’s main computer woke up thinking it was a cauliflower and that meant I couldn’t post much at all. At first I thought it was my computer that was at fault and so I shouted at it and gave it a beating with the toilet brush. I then heard that it was the Facebook computer that was causing the problem so I apologized and sent it a fruit basket.
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Scary Movie

September 24, 2010 -

John Heald

One of our Seaside Theatre big screen movies on the Carnival Splendor is a movie called Twilight. There’s a number after it…….Twilight 2 or 3 or 197……but that doesn’t matter. You see, until last night the one thing I knew about the film was that it had vampires in it, which was enough to put me off. Last night around 7:30 pm with Kye fast asleep in her stroller dreaming of something far more horrific than vampires……..the sodding Tellytubbies…….we took a stroll around the open decks and there playing on the big screen was this movie Twilight.
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Sally……Your Fired

September 23, 2010 -

John Heald

For you North American and Canadian bloggers there are a few names that are known as British quality products. Rolls-Royce. Cunard. Lynn. Harrods. Aston Martin and of course…….Amstrad. OK……well maybe not Amstrad because there is probably not one of you outside the UK who has ever heard of Amstrad. Well, let me tell you about them. They made computers…….. cheap, ready to use totally 100% sh*t computers.

Own one and within weeks you were deciding which window to throw it out of.
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Herbal Strife

September 22, 2010 -

John Heald

Want to share two stories with you which show the drastic differences between some of the people you meet on a cruise ship. Let’s start with the good. The captain and I met a brilliant couple at the captain’s celebration on elegant night. We were standing outside of the Red Carpet Dance Club when a man in his late seventies possibly early eighties shook our hands and then introduced us to a beautiful young who looked like she was in her late twenties.

She was stunning in a supermodel kind of way. “This is Chantelle,” he said and honestly I was milliseconds away from saying “Is she your granddaughter?” when thank the Lord he continued “We are on our honeymoon.” Now the obvious reaction to this is to say “Are you kidding me?” and while neither the captain or I said this I know…….I absolutely know……..both our faces painted an obvious picture of “You lucky sod, you must be worth a fortune.”
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Excuses…..a good one is brilliant and there should be an equivalent of an Oscar ceremony for the best ones. They represent the human imagination at its most brilliant. However, a good excuse is rare while bad ones are as common as climbing walls…….. and as far as ship excuses ……. well having been at sea for 24 years……..well I have heard them all before.

Yesterday one of the staff was late for debarkation…..35 minutes late to be precise. His excuse was (more…)

Dear Gerry – I Think I Need A Raise

September 20, 2010 -

John Heald

This morning my journey by elevator from deck 3 to deck 9 (yes I am lazy sod for not taking the stairs) was memorable for two reasons. First of all because it is the first ever time I have been asked to have my photo taken in an elevator and second of all because the man who put his arm round me and told me he loved the shows was I think French.

I deduced this not because he said (more…)

For Your Eyes Only

September 16, 2010 -

John Heald

For the last few weeks my eyes have been hurting me and I being a man have been completely ignoring it. It comes and it goes, that feeling like I have been punched in the eyes by a very angry Mike Tyson coupled with the fact that they itch and are as dry as a Saudi Arabian happy hour.
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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.