Scary Movie

September 24, 2010 -

John Heald

One of our Seaside Theatre big screen movies on the Carnival Splendor is a movie called Twilight. There’s a number after it…….Twilight 2 or 3 or 197……but that doesn’t matter. You see, until last night the one thing I knew about the film was that it had vampires in it, which was enough to put me off. Last night around 7:30 pm with Kye fast asleep in her stroller dreaming of something far more horrific than vampires……..the sodding Tellytubbies…….we took a stroll around the open decks and there playing on the big screen was this movie Twilight.

Well as luck would have it Kye woke up and decided she wanted her bottle of milk so we sat on deck 10 and while Heidi fed Kye and in between talking to guests I watched a bit of the film.
I honestly didn’t have a bloody clue that it was a romantic fantasy aimed at teenage girls. That’s two reasons not to see it and two reasons to feel nauseous.

From the 20 minutes of the film I saw it appears that the heroine, Bellend or something like that, is contemplating whether she wants to have rumpy pumpy with a vampire or a werewolf.

I have a few questions and comments then. Why not try them both out, or get to second base with one and third with the other as modern teen girls do these days. And she’s certainly not allowed to date them both on at once, although that would clearly make for a far better film but not one that we could probably show on Lido Deck.

Whichever one she picks is the one she’s stuck with forever. So how come this movie is so popular then because as far as I could see Bellend is essentially deciding whether she’d rather have rumpy pumpy…… a forest………with a bat or a wolf. She’s got bugger all interest then in old fashioned human on human action……..if it doesn’t have fur or flies……..she isn’t interested. Don’t let this girl lose in a zoo for God’ sake.

I asked one of the dancers and I don’t want to spoil the ending if you haven’t seen it but apparently she chooses the bat in the end, which is the worst possible choice, because being a vampire, he’s not just any old bat, but one that’s hundreds of years old and isn’t even properly alive. If the final film doesn’t culminate in her having rumpy pumpy with the bat and then gives birth to twin baby bats……..then the whole film is pointless bollocks.

Horror movies have never been my thing especially these slasher movies where a man in a hockey mask saws the limbs of some Z list actress. But I also never saw the fascination in these old horror movies either that had the least scary monsters ever created.

Take The Mummy for example. Mummies are just zombies in medical gift wrap are as threatening as Richard Simmons. Since their teeth are covered up, they’re reduced to stumbling around with outstretched arms trying to hug you to death. Then there are movies about ghosts at its most ambitious a ghost might pop up in your bedroom in the guise of a glowing hologram figure, moaning about the circumstances of its death

But that’s the worst a ghost will do: whine about its own misfortune, like someone writing to tell me that the ice tea on Lido sucks. And they usually don’t even manage that. Instead, they make intermittent knocking sounds or slam the odd door in a huff. I’ve had neighbors worse than that. In fact there’s an Italian officer who lives down the hall from me whose girlfriend makes more noise than that most nights………maybe the officer  is a bat……Rocco Batto……….anyway………I would gladly swap them for a ghost.

But vampires……..well they are the worst because they are the only monster that’s actually grown less frightening since I was a kid. Early vampires were the Peter Cushings and Christopher Lees. They were truly creepy bastards who would have rumpy pumpy with a beautiful virgin and then bite a chunk out of her neck and throw her off a castle tower. These days vampires have got bloody feelings. Two people who should never have feelings are vampires and James Bond …… now both are as touchy feely as fussy aunt. They’re lonely and tortured and all messed up inside and are probably getting vampire therapy at some clinic in Arizona…….. They spend more time crying than killing people. These days it seems vampires come in two sorts. Totally big girly wimps (Twilight) or swingers (True Blood).

Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing used to make hide behind the sofa………..but after seeing Twilight ………………my underpants remained totally clean.

Now it’s time for today’s Q and A…….off we go.

Maria & Juan Santana Asked:

Yesterday, we submitted the comments appearing below and apparently, by accident, they were not directed to you for reply (as we clearly indicated on top of them). Instead, they were included with the responses at the end of the blog (which you don’t need to reply). Accordingly, we are once again submitting them with the hope that this time they show up in the correct section & you can read them before we depart on the Sept. cruises that we mentioned and that, if possible, we would like to get your reply. Here we go again! Thanks.

Maria & Juan Santana

John, please reply…

Hi, John! We just got off the Emerald Princess in Ft. Lauderdale this past Sun., 8/22 & wanted to report that to our surprise, there were lots of children/teenagers/younger adults onboard and, as far as we know, everybody behaved well. Up to now we thought that Princess only attracted adults & seniors, but by what we just experienced, Princess has won over the much younger crowd & now it seems just as any of Carnival Fun Ships. Maybe it was because of the Caribbean itinerary of this cruise & this was the last or next to the last cruise before schools started & parents wanted to take advantage of the great special deals being offered. Without a doubt, value for the money is once again the answer.

As we previously told you weeks ago, on Sept. 11 we’ll be boarding the Caribbean Princess in Brooklyn, N.Y. & on Sept. 18 (the same day we return); we’ll be boarding the Carnival Glory in Manhattan. We’ll keep you posted if there is anything interesting you should know. By the way, we will be celebrating our tenth Carnival cruise once we board the Glory…. Aleluya!

Regards to you and Heidi and lots of kisses to Kye.
The Santanas of Miami Beach

John Says:
Hello Maria and Juan Santana

Thanks so much for your Princess cruise report. I loved the Emerald Princess as you know and Heidi and I have promised ourselves that we will go back there one day soon. More and more families are realizing that a cruise is both an affordable and safe vacation choice that offers something for Mum, Dad and the kids and just like Carnival, all of these can be found on a Princess ship. By the time you read this you will be off the Carnival Glory and as always we will be looking forward to hearing about your adventures. You will have had them as a Platinum card holder and please allow me to congratulate on reaching this status and for your loyalty to Carnival and the Carnival family of cruise lines. I hope it is not too long before we get to sail together again soon.

Best wishes to you both

Benny K Asked:
John reply table request

I am sailing on the Dream on November 20 and will need you to save a table for 2. My partner and me are not sociable so rather than embarrass us and the people we are forced to sit with we must have a table for 2. Our cabin is a 7227.


John Says:
Hello Benny K

I respect your desire for a private table and I am sure other guests would prefer not to have some awkward silences during what should be fun dinner times. Anyway, I will certainly ask the maitre d who will do his best to assist you with your request.

Best wishes to you both

Susan Stewart Asked:
Please Reply,

Thanks for making so many cruises special for so many people, me included. You do a great job!

I have a dear friend and co-worker celebrating her honeymoon on the Carnival Victory on Sept. 26th. I really want this to be special for her. This will be her first time on Carnival, but I have already built up her excitement since I took this same cruise in June. She is a wonderful young lady and any special surprises will be appreciated. I don’t know her cabin number, I don’t even think it has been assigned yet. Her name is Chloe Johnson and her soon to be husband is Jeffrey Pope, getting married Sept 25th.

Thanks again for any help.

John Says:

Thanks for saying thank you. Not everyone uses that word…..most do…..some do not…….hint hint to the above. We are honoured (spelt correctly) that your friends are spending their honeymoon on the Carnival Victory and I will ask the CD, my mate Brent, to send them a little something to help celebrate this special week.

Thanks for thinking of them.

Best wishes

Susan Alaimo Asked:
John, Please Reply,


I have been reading your blog for a couple years, but this is the first time I’ve actually written. I really enjoy it. You seem to really enjoy people and are a giver…that’s what makes you you.

I’ve never felt the need to ask for any favors from you (since we are always pleased with the accommodations, tables assignments & services which we get from Carnival), but if it relieves someone’s anxiety (and thus makes their trip more pleasurable) to ask you for help and if you don’t mind, then I certainly don’t mind.

My husband & I have been long time Carnival cruisers with my first on the Mardi Gras (Boston to Bermuda) in 1983, then the following year I convinced my hubby (then boyfriend) to go on the Tropical out of LA. Since then, we’ve been hooked. Needless to say, we’re Platinum cruisers and we’ve introduced many friends to Carnival. For the last several years, I’ve gotten 25-40 friends together for a yearly cruise.

A group of us did the Freedom’s TA several years ago and where looking forward to the Magic TA until it was announced that it was going by FL to Galveston (nothing against Galveston, but it was more inconvenient). We were checking out the TA of an alternative cruise line and weighing the pros & cons, when I heard that you MIGHT be the CD on Magic’s TA and that tipped the scales. We now have 20 friends joining us on that adventure (all who have been introduced to Carnival by us. We even have a few virgin cruisers in our group who missed out on the fun time on the Freedom TA and didn’t want to miss out again).

Thanks for making our decision easier. We’ve never had you as our CD and are looking forward to meeting you.

Just a sidebar, based on your review of the Emerald Princess, I’ve decided to go outside our comfort zone. I’ve been working extra hard in order to book a cruise on the Emerald Princess in January to celebrate my husband’s 60th B-Day (shhhh….it’s a surprise….he doesn’t know yet). I wanted to do something a little different for his special day.

And on final note…Congrats to “Big Sexy”, we’ve cruised with him and thought he deserved it several years ago. Another CD that we thought did an excellent job was Todd on Freedom’s TA. Actually, every CD we have had has been very good, but those 2 people made an impression on us.

Keep up the great work.

John Says:
Hello Sue

Please let me start by saying that it is great that after 2 years of reading my daily musings that you have decided to write your first post. This gives me a chance to say thank you for spending your time with us each day. It is especially good because it gives me the chance to help some loyal Platinum customers who have been cruising since the days of the Mardi Gras. I am so very honoured that 20 of you have booked the trans-Atlantic voyage of your Carnival Magic and that in particular the fact that I would be the CD was one of the reasons you did so.

I am very humbled by this. Isn’t that strange, I was talking about Emerald Princess a moment a go and here we are talking about this ship again. I often wonder if my somewhat humourous (attempted) reviews of other ships have ever helped others decide to book them and today there have been two such happenings for the Emerald Princess. Once again I am honoured. So, before you sail on the Emerald Princess could you please drop me another posting (about a month before the cruise) as I really would like to send your husband a birthday wish while onboard. By the way…….you must spend at least one day on their Sanctuary deck and have one meal at Sabatini’s ………….both are extraordinary experiences. So thanks so much again for booking your Carnival Magic and I will see you soon.

Best wishes to you both

txblondy Asked:

I have been reading your blog for over a year now and love it! My DH and I went on our first cruise last year on the Ecstasy. I booked our cruise on November 7th on the Conquest the week we came back…I guess you can say we got bitten by the cruise bug!! I am wondering if you can help me do something special for my loving husband.

He came in our lives when my world was being turned upside down. My Dad has Altzheimer’s and was being put in the nursing home and my husband at the time up and left me with 2 beautiful little girls (2 and 1 at the time). He moved in across the street from my mom and became friends with her. He would sit with her on her porch for hours talking to her trying to help her through her problems with my dad. He then came into me and my girls lives and comforted me through the hard times as well. Needless to say he is the man of my dreams. We married a year later and now have 3 beautiful little princesses! He has helped me raise my children and has always been there for all of us. My girls now only know him as Daddy and he is all of our worlds. I want to do something special for him on this cruise as there is not many men like him in this world and I want him to know how truly much I appreciate him every day of my life!!

Thank you for anything you can do to help. We will be on the Conquest Nov. 7th. If you (or any of the 344 Stephanie’s) e-mail me I will give you the cabin number or booking number.

Thank you for all you do!

John Says:
Hello txblondy

While we often pay tribute to those who cruise multiple times (and rightly so) we also realise that first impressions are so important. It seems like we made a great first time impression on you because as you said you “Got bitten by the cruising bug.” I am going to definitely send your Superman something as it sounds like when you needed a real hero……he came along. I hope you have a brilliant time and enjoy the fun for all ship, the Carnival Conquest.

My best wishes to all the family

Andy Poulsen JAsked:
ohn please reply for my school project.

I am 12. I was trying to find a bio about you because me and my family were on the freedom boat for a cruise and you were the cruise director. I am writing about you for a school project and want you to please answer the questions I am going to write now.

How long have you been a cruise director?

What is the biggest wave you have ever seen?

How many hours do you work?

Did you go to a special school to do your work?

What is your favorite movie?

What is your favourite passenger you have ever met?

My Mom died of cancer last year and my Dad just lost his job as well so I am helping my two sisters who are 9 and 5. I don’t think we will cruise again and that makes me cry sometimes as I love the shows and the free ice cream

Thank you for being my friend

John Says:
Hello Andy Poulsen

Oh Andy, you are so very brave for looking after your sisters and I know your Dad is very proud of you and so is your Mum who will also be watching over you forever. You are very kind to feature me in your school work and let me answer those fabulous questions and see if that will help your project.

How long have you been a cruise director? I have been a cruise director for Carnival since 1990 although I first started to work for the company as a bar waiter in 1987. I was 7 years old……….that’s a joke of course Andy. Since I started as cruise director I have been on 18 different ships in that role.

What is the biggest wave you have ever seen? Oh that’s easy. Shaquille O’Neal once waved at me……….it was a very big wave………..oh sorry you meant wave………not wave. Well Andy, we have very special equipment that makes sure we can see where all the bad weather is and where the rough seas are so we can stay away from them. But sometimes the weather is still bad and the biggest wave I have seen was on the Carnival Triumph. We were sailing from New York to Halifax in Canada. A hurricane called Mitch had been there a day or so before and although it had gone it had made the sea very rough. I was standing on the bridge with Captain Rasello when we saw the wind reach 90 knots a big wave came up as high as the bridge which is on deck 8! But everyone was safe and well and this is a very rare thing indeed. I was very scared and jumped into the captain’s arms but I was too heavy so he dropped me  🙂

How many hours do you work? Each day is very different and sometimes I work 10 hours a day bit when we are at sea I work 15 or 16 hours because I have to write my blog and my Facebook things as well. But I do not work as hard as the crew like the waiter you had when you cruised or the person who cleaned your cabin and made those funny towel animals. They work very hard indeed.

Did you go to a special school to do your work? No Andy. There is no cruise director school. I was very bad in school, always joking and laughing and messing about which is wrong of course. To be a cruise director you have to really like people and like them all the time even when they are angry. I am very lucky to have found this job and if I did not do this I would probably be a gym instructor.

What is your favorite movie? mmmmmmmm……Well, I have three:

The Godfather – you probably have never seen this but when you are older you will love it I promise.

The Hunt For Red October – This is a movie about submarines and is very exciting

Escape To Witch Mountain – when I was your age this was my favourite movie and I often dreamed of having special powers.

What is your favourite passenger you have ever met? That one is simple ………… Andy and your Mum and your Dad and your sisters.

I hope this helped you with your project and if you need anything else please, please let me know. Tell you what. Can you ask your Dad for permission to have you write to me with your phone number? I won’t put it here for everyone to read, it will be just between me and you. I would like to call you and say hello………please ask your Dad if I can do this. Thank you for writing to me and be very proud of the wonderful young man you are.

Your friend always

Jeff Bihn Asked:
please reply

Well I was “cruising”: through the Carnival website and saw your picture with it talking about your blog, and figured “Who is this guy?”. So I clicked on it and it brought me to your blog. I figured I would read a little bit, and found it a humorous, since it seems like I have found myself in many similar life experiences.

I have sailed Carnival from the beginning of my cruising experiences and this coming Saturday the 25th of September 2010 will be my 3rd (and I am already planning my 4th cruise when we can do it). My soon to be wife has NEVER cruised before and she is so excited based off everything I have told her.

This particular cruise coming up is special though, I am setting sail on my honeymoon with my soon to be wife (as of the 24th of September 2010). I have read that sometimes you do a little something special for guests due to special events, and was wondering if you might be able to do something for us. We would greatly appreciate it, even more so since just three days ago I was downsized from my position at the hospital I was working at. Of course this taking me by surprise, we are now trying to get through this wedding and our trip with minimal spending, but considering it is our honeymoon…… To make things even worse, we haven’t even been able to get wedding rings because, well, finances. I had to tell my soon to be wife, that with this economy there is telling who knows when work will come, and since she is still finishing her teaching degree (which she told me today she would put on hold to help out the family……) making things work will be tough since there is me, my wife and my daughter (from a previous marriage 10 years ago).

Anyways, I really didn’t mean to make this a sob story. Just wondering if there is anything you might be able to do to help make this cruise even more special (especially so for my bride).

If not, I understand but do appreciate your attentive ear
Happy cruising!!!

John Says:
Hello Jeff Bihn

I am very happy that you have found the blog in time for me to be able to help you celebrate this special occasion. I really need your immediate reply please because I need the ship you are sailing on and the cabin number. I have asked one of the 343 Stephanies to e-mail this to you and hopefully you will be able to reply. I wish you both a wonderful honeymoon cruise and please try and get back to me tonight.

Best wishes

Katiel53 Asked:
John, (Please reply)

I, too, am told all the time how bad windows is and how messed up my computer is and that I would be so much better off with a Mac. Perhaps, some day, but for now I am doing well with my Windows Vista PC.

I also think the dress code for elegant night needs to be enforced on all ships. I think, at times, the Maitre d’ is afraid to say anything to a passenger about how inappropriate his/her clothes are for elegant night. We have seen shorts and tee shirts as well as ball caps in the MDR on elegant night and jeans shorts on other nights along with the tee shirts. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen people post on various message boards to “Wear what you want, after all, it’s your vacation.” Also have seen, “If it bothers you what others are wearing, you have more problems than that etc.”

I know what the website states and many people believe it is “only a suggestion.” I think if all the ships followed what Carnival posts as the dress code, perhaps people would realize they have to be dressed appropriately. This includes waiters who tell passengers they don’t need to dress up on elegant night.

Personally, I like the relaxed dress code Carnival has and that is one of the reasons we like sailing Carnival, I don’t think it’s difficult to dress up for two nights and if we don’t want to, to go to the buffet.

It doesn’t matter to me what the dress code is, but whatever it is, I think it should be enforced or if it’s not going to be, don’t have one.

John Says:
Hello katiel53

The elegant night dress code is a conversation piece that has opinion firmly divided. But what’s more interesting is the generation gap and the way things are changing. As you know I am on the Carnival Splendor where the Californians are very relaxed with their dress codes and I would say at least 30% of the ship does not dress in suits and elegant dresses but rather slacks and polo shirts and nice summer dresses. This is the way the world is going and the younger people seem to be much more casual in many ways than maybe we were when we were their age. I think the best option is choice…….and while we will enforce the clothes that cannot be worn in the dining room such as ripped jeans etc, it is never going to be possible to enforce that every guest wears elegant clothes. This has changed so much over the years and if I had been writing this blog 15 years ago we would never have been having this conversation because back then…….everyone wanted to dress up. So for now, choice is king and we shall see where the future takes us.

I hope whether it’s on a Mac or on a PC that you continue to join me each day here on the blog thingy.

Best wishes

Splendor Entertainment Technical Manager Asked:

Thanks for the panic you gave to my mom. 🙂

I would like to make it known to everyone on the blog thingy that I definitely did not pierce my nipples. I’m too adorable for that 😀 . Love you mom!

John Says:
Hello Nick and Nick’s Mum

I am sorry to say that Nick is right, he didn’t have his nipples pierced but his new Mohawk and the tattoo that reads I Love John on his forehead does indeed make him very adorable. We will miss him here as he is transferring to the Carnival Paradise this weekend and you should know he has done a brilliant job.

Best wishes

karen Asked:
Hi John,

Thanks to your blog thingy and seeing you on youtube (!)

I decided to book our first ever cruise, on Carnival Dream.

We leave home here in England in 3 weeks to cruise the Western route on the 16th October. We are all so excited!

I read your blog thingy every day and yep your humour is so British and makes my day. I’m sad you will not be CD on our cruise but maybe we will get hooked and book another?

Any chance you could send a message to us on the Dream? We are in 9474 and 9470 and it would be great fun to find a message from you after travelling so far! If it’s not possible no problem, we will let you know if you have got us hooked on cruising when we get back!

Keep up the good work and thank for making us all smile with your blog thingy

From a fellow Brit

John Says:
Hello Karen

I am truly honoured (spelt correctly) that you have decided to book a cruise on your Carnival Dream based on my silly antics on YouTube and on the blog thingy. I will certainly make sure I send you a little something and I know you will have the most wonderful time. Please put the kettle on for me and have a cup of tea……..proper tea…….and think of me.

Best wishes

That’s all for today. Some great questions this week and some humbling ones where people have written that they have booked cruises to sail with me. But that one from Andy today has me feeling so sad and wondering just what I can do to make this chap happy again…….I think I know how though…..and I think you know exactly what I am thinking don’t you? Anyway, thanks to you all for a great week of comments and I will be back on Monday with more.

Good morning from Cabo San Lucas where we are sharing the port with the Marinated of the Seas as they are on that reverse itinerary. That means we are having to share the tender service provided by the locals. It’s now 7:35am and so far we are doing OK but as in any tender port …… a dollop of patience is required. But the sun is shining and the weather this week has been just wonderful since that miserable first day as we passed by the last remains of tropical storm Georginabastrad.

Well next week I am going to accomplish two things that I have been putting off. Sorting out my early 2011 schedule and getting on with organizing BC4. The first thing we will need to do is hold a roll call so I can see how many of you are joining me on the Carnival Glory in February. I know we tried to have you book with the fare code but many of you used your Early Saver, military and other discounts so right now the 344 Stephanies have bugger all idea how many of you are joining me.

Then I have to decide if we are going to hold an event the night before……..I am leaning heavily towards making this a yes. And then I will start to talk with the office next week about events, activities and gifts etc. Definitely a keeper will be the tea times and the welcome and farewell parties. We also need to do a private excursion and of course a late night bloggers show of some sort. However, the rest of the time I will be CD so this will enable me to do the welcome aboard show, marriage show, morning shows, talent show and of course the bedtime story. So, here are my questions to you and my apologies to those who are not joining us for this intrusion into today’s blog:

Should we do an event the night before on land?

Is there any other activity you would like me to do as a private bloggers performance?

Bearing in mind my limited budget, what gift would you like to receive?

Please let me know the answers to these and any other insights to what I think will be the best bloggers cruise yet. I hope some of you reading this who are not booked yet……..will join us.

As you may know one of the shows I perform here on the ship is my live morning show and on Thursdays it’s a live afternoon show. These are very different to live shows on stage in the main lounge because if you mess up you can quickly correct yourself and gauge the audiences response if they forgive you or not.

When I do the live TV shows, it is just me, a camera and a camera operator who has one facial expression…….and trust me… ain’t a smile. So you have no idea whether the people on the Lido deck who are watching you on the Seaside Theatre Big Screen or the cabin TV are laughing or looking for the remote control. But there is another hazard to live TV and that’s making sure the sodding mic is turned off………because as you will see…… the last show……….it wasn’t.

Guest: Ms———–Ref: 842022183A
Cabin: ——– Added-Changed: 09/23/10 – 09/23/10


Guest called the GSD to complain that the CD John had used bad language during his tv show. Guest said she was offended by this and wants an apology.

I realized that something was wrong when the expressionless cameraman had a look of horror on his face when after the end credits had rolled and I looked at my watch and said “Sh*t, that was a sh*t show” because yep…..he had forgotten to turn my mic off and I was still live. Oh bugger.. … that’s me in trouble then. I will be calling her today to apologize and I truly am sorry as that was massively unprofessional of me.

In fact the lady who complained was the only one who did. Now this means that either she was the only one who it bothered or more worryingly she was the only one who was watching the show. It’s nobody’s fault but mine…….. but mistakes happen and of course live TV can always bring some pretty embarrassing moments.

Our Director of Public Relations Jennifer has often had me do live TV spots, mostly when we bring out a new ship or during special occasions and even though they are usually at 6 am on local morning shows where the only people watching are people who haven’t been to bed yet ………….I can tell you live TV is extremely nerve racking.

And even though you realize nobody is watching you cannot help but think bugger me, John, you are on LIVE TELEVISION.

And this does very strange things to your brain. Having lived through the experience, I can now only assume that every single one of the nation’s favourite live TV faces has the ice blooded, psychotic personality of a sniper. Those nice women on The View could emotionlessly blast a hole through your forehead while interviewing Tom Cruise.

I will never forget the first one I did for Jennifer. It was as we brought out the Carnival Destiny and it was during our stop in Norfolk, Virginia. She had me standing on the bow, at 6am, in December, in a blazer and tie………it was so cold my nipples looked like a good place to hang a hat. I was to do a show for Good Morning Virginia and I was so tired from the new delivery and so cold from Jennifer’s insistence I should not wear my big luxurious warm comforting leather jacket that I honestly was numb to the whole thing. Therefore I was too knackered to really think about the LIVE aspect of the LIVE show that I was taking part in.

It was only during a cautionary pre-broadcast talk with Jennifer that it began to sink in. Jennifer’s job is to remind me not to say anything libelous or illegal while the camera’s pointing at me, because, of course……’s live.

As she ran through an exhaustive list of things that could potentially go wrong and lose me my job I felt that feeling that extreme nerves bring on and once again it wasn’t a good day to be my underpants. Five minutes before the broadcast, I suddenly realized I couldn’t see properly. Or rather, I could see perfectly well…….objects and surfaces and Jennifer in her warm thick overcoat and scarf and gloves but nothing I looked at made sense.

The camera man and sound man and director and interviewer…..all in warm coats seemed as relaxed as sloths on vacation…….but not me……… the countdown began, a list of fears went through my head. My fears were . . .

I might vomit with sheer terror over the camera just as the show goes live and the first shot the viewers will see would be my dinner dripping down the lens.

I was so cold that I might snap and start swearing and making violent threats against the interviewer and Jennifer has to physically wrestle me to the deck.

In the end none of the above happened but what did I have never told anyone else…….not even Heidi and I promise and swear that this is absolutely true…………….I did a piss.

Only a little one………a mere teaspoon at most ………… but nevertheless……. I did a piss…….. right there on the bow of the Carnival Destiny, nanoseconds before I was due to start my interview… I was wearing grey pants and as my mind filled with horror and my underpants with urine I clasped my hands in front of my crotch and prayed that a huge slick of pee wasn’t obvious to the viewer of Good Morning Virginia. Nobody said anything and when I got back to the cabin I looked at my pants to see a very small spot to the left of my…..ummmm…….well you get the picture.

I am embarrassed by this and it feels so good to get it off my chest and I am sure after Jennifer reads this……………. I will be subjected to mountains of scorn and ridicule.

Well, it’s been a good week and there is some unexpected news on which to finish today’s blog. Carnival has decided just now that my services are no longer required and I have been replaced. It’s been fun but all good things must come to an end and as I always new, Carnival has replaced me with a younger cruise director and she will be taking over the job and the blog.

Here she is:

Night night
Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.