High Heel Bollocks

October 7, 2010 -

John Heald

I must really love you. Yes, it must me unconditional, unbridled love that I am feeling because it’s six sodding fifteen in the morning and here I sit, in my underpants, having had 5 hours sleep and bugger all breakfast or coffee……writing to you……yes you. Today I enter Dante’s Inferno for two days of mandatory health and safety training and while I understand and commit to Carnival’s commitment to safety I would rather skip naked down a beach naked with Mr Cloonpitt than sit in the boardroom for two days…… “bored” room would be a better term for it.

While most of what we will be taught will make sense some of it will be (in my humble opinion and not anyone else’s) be total bollocks. One example is that I understand the high visibility jacket wearers want to ban high heels on board for working crew. For example, a dancer selling bingo cards or a gift shop employee on elegant night selling a diamond or an entertainment staff member hosting the Captain’s Celebration should not they suggest wear high heel shoes in case they tip and fall?  Oh FFS……….these are ladies — not baby giraffes!

Fine. Go ahead. Fill your safety shoes. Give every Italian officer and other red blooded males an anxiety attack. However, if they are going to do this it is my intention to stand up today, put down my raspberry (making sure I save the bitching e-mail I am sending to PA 007) and say “Hold on, that’s not fair.”

Because if they are going to put this law into effect then they should also pass a motion outlawing some other features of ship life. Such as a certain senior officer I can’t mention who always has one leg on his desk, thus splaying his pants across his crotch? And the Italian officers should not be allowed to wear those Paul Shark sweaters over their shoulders because this is dangerous. I am sure the high visibility jacket wearing instructor will ask how wearing a Paul Shark sweater over their shoulders is dangerous. The answer is simple……it makes me angry and I may have to punch one in the nose the next time I see them wearing it that way. PUT THE SODDING SWEATER ON!

Other things must be banned to stop me turning a pepper mill on my fellow crew members and beating them over the head with it. Crew who reheats stinky food in the officers mess microwave, who slurps their coffee and makes “Aaah!” sounds, who send you e-mails when you live in the cabin next door and who keep asking when my baby is due while rubbing my stomach.

Anyway, I wonder what health and safety code I am breaking right now. Well, I only had 5 hours sleep which is three less than the beards recommend. My eyes hurt from using the computer and my underpants are without doubt breaking all kinds of environmental rules and regulations ……… honestly I really don’t want to go to this meeting and I need to get myself dismissed somehow. I know………..I will go dressed only in my underpants……….oh and of course wearing high heels.

Before we go to today’s questions, I want to answer one that I’ve already had many emails about – and that is about the test we are doing in a few of our main dining rooms offering some of our guests’ favorite entrees from our highly acclaimed steakhouses for an additional fee.

Rather than me repeat this a billion times over the next few weeks, I want to kindly clarify something to everyone. While the delectable rib chop, main lobster tail and other popular items from the steakhouse are now available in the main dining room on three ships as part of a test, the wonderful lobster that we serve on elegant night and the flat iron steak available every night remain on the dining room menu at no charge.  Remember the beef in our steakhouses is USDA prime and of all the beef produced in the US, less than 2% is certified as USDA Prime.

During the testing period, I am sure many will enjoy it and for those who would rather not pay extra……the superb food Carnival serves each and every night remains ready for your dining pleasure.

If you want to read a little more on this test, here’s a link thingy to a story from Carnival’s news blog http://carnival-news.com/2010/09/30/carnival-testing-new-steakhouse-entrees-on-three-ships/.

On with today’s questions.

Mitch Fischer Asked:
Hi,

My wife and I have been on 2 Carnival Cruises since Jan. 2010 and have booked a third on the Fascination in Jan. We plan on going on one cruise every 6 months. The best vacations we have ever had. I have two requests:

1. we have been fortunate enough to get a table for two for dinner in each of our previous sailing. I would love that again. (Jan 13-17).

2. Why not have adults only cruise? We and I am sure others would love it.
Thanks,

John Says:
Hello Mitch Fisher

Thanks so much for your posting and congratulations on your latest cruise bookings. I don’t think that there is a sustainable market for a year round adults only cruise which is why none of the any major cruise lines have ever done it. It would be a very bold line that would say “We don’t want kids” as family vacations are very much a major part to the success of the industry and Carnival in particular. Now as for the table I would be honoured (spelt correctly) to help you. As we are a few months from your sailing please can I ask you to re post your request at the start of December. Once again thanks for your loyalty and I remain here at your service.

Best wishes
John

Doodles and Girls! Asked:
Dear John,

A group of girls from my nonprofit organization (Florida English Bulldog Rescue) are taking a “Girls Cruise” on 11/11/10 on the Inspiration out of Tampa. There are about 20 of us so far and we are all excited. We will have 1st time cruisers, and 2 birthday celebrations while cruising. Can we make a request? Or a few? First..A table for 20 in the dining room? And can the Captain come say hello to us and sing Happy Birthday? Second…can you reserve us a spot by the pool, and make sure to send all the hot male staff our way? Third….tell all your readers to send us the booze? HAHAHA! Love your blog…and yes. we have a farter in the group….ugh! Oh, one more thing..Jennifer Martins is our cruise planner with Carnival..SHE IS THE BEST!

John Says:
Hello Doodles and the Girls

Do a lot of bulldogs need rescuing? It is one of my favourite dog breeds as they have so much character and expression. Anyway, while I can’t reserve a table for 20, a spot by the pool and promise the captain will sing Happy Birthday or move the ship a little to the left for you I can, if you send me your cabin number, send the girls a little something.

I am so glad you love the blog thingy and hope to hear from you before you sail. Have a brilliant cruise and thanks for looking after the dogs.

Best wishes to all
John

Ronda Long Asked:
****John, please reply*****

John, we are booked on the Carnival Victory sailing out of San Juan on 1/23/2011. As of 11/21/10, the Carnival Victory will no longer be sailing to Dominica, and no substitute port was added. Why was the port of Dominica removed please? Thank you for the answer.

John Says:
Hello Ronda Long

Carnival Victory did indeed call at Dominica and it was part of a very intensive itinerary. We have as you mentioned canceled this port of call and this decision was taken based on guest feedback as well as fuel saving considerations. I hope you are not too disappointed about this and hopefully you will enjoy the sea day which with four other fun days in port I think you may need to recharge and relax. Have a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes
John

Jeff Sommerville Asked:
John-

Just a quick question for you or perhaps Heidi…My wife and I will be cruising with our son on Oct 16, he will be 8 1/2 months old at the time of sailing. If I remember right I believe your daughter was about that age when you first had her onboard. Our son is very easy going and laid back so we do not expect any problems at all, my question to you is do you have any special tips of things to bring with us that we might not otherwise think of for him? We are experienced cruisers with 3 and 4 cruises under our belts so we know what to expect, just curious if there is anything I might otherwise overlook travelling with an infant. Thanks for the blog, love reading it every day and looking forward to being on the Dream!

John Says:
Hello Jeff Sommerville – it’s Heidi here.

How exciting that you are bringing your little boy on board! Kye had a great time then and this time around. With regards to food, I would recommend to bring a bottle warmer to use in the cabin so you can warm milk, water and pots of food. Even with all the restrictions you are allowed to have a bottle warmer in the cabin. All cabins have a fridge so if you don’t need to use the mini bar contents, just ask the cabin steward to remove everything and use it for your baby’s essentials.

Camp Carnival caters mainly for 2 and up but has a few times a week that you can either play with your son or leave him there to play with the staff. On sea days you can either drop him off or stay between 8am and 10am and on port days from arrival until 12pm is drop off time only. Kye has thoroughly enjoyed Camp Carnival and will surely miss it next week. Bring some toys for the cabin to keep baby occupied and books to read and pacifiers as they seem to go missing here all the time. Oh and factor 50+ sun screen lotion and a hat or umbrella for the stroller and a blanket for the evenings as the air-conditioning might be a bit chilly.  Have a great cruise~!

Best wishes
Heidi

themnms Asked:
Hi John (please reply)

As usual I love the blog, keeps me entertained everyday!!

I am pleased to announce we just booked the Carnival Freedom Oct 31st sailing. We originally were hoping to find any ship Ken Byrnes was on, but unluckily for us he is on vacation! (This may prompt us to try and book the Magic next year if funds allow but you had us run off to book the Panama Canal transit!!)

Anyways…this Oct cruise is booked as Granddad came too from heart surgery and his first question was when are we going on another cruise. His first cruise was this last May when we took them on the Miracle…a new addict is in our midst..My only little problem with this booking was that they have us waitlisted for early seating and I was hoping and praying to the John Gods who know all the MaitreD’s that you could whisper in an ear and get this for us. The Grandparents like to eat earlier to avoid Granddad from sleeping in his soup!!

Oh one other question, any ideas on what to do with Grandparents in Jamaica? All granddad wants is to see the steel drums as Dunn’s River Falls are out…

Thanks again John, your the best
Mel

John Says:
Hello themns,

I am glad to hear Granddad is doing better and able to cruise again. Ken is on the Carnival Legend and it would be great if you could all join he and I on your Carnival Magic. I will speak to my friends, the maitre ‘d ‘s on the Carnival Freedom and ask them to do their best to avoid Granddad and the mushroom soup coming together. For Jamaica I would suggest the Plantation Tour which will include a stop at the downtown market and shopping area and craft market. Most of the tours go to Dunn’s River Falls but you don’t need to climb them. You can take a few photos and there is another craft market at the bottom. I am so happy that you are all able to sail together again and I wish you a brilliant cruise.

Best wishes
John

Al Asked:
Dear John:

Hello stranger, been since May of 1995 since I last spoke to you in person. Been many many cruises since then. Next one is the Dream, 9/18/10. Then we have our annual anniversary cruise Nov 4th on the Sensation. Friends that we have cruised with for many years now, whom have seen my collections of Carnival, several of which are not used today for safety reasons, have asked me why I don`t have a Sensation ship on a stick in my collection. Everything else you have. My question is, on our Sensation cruise this Nov., where can I get a Ship on a stick for our anniversary? May 5, 2011 will mark 30 years cruising since the Carnivale. Hopefully many more to come. Not a youngster any longer. Give my best to the family, in “95″ you were still single.

John Says:
Hello Al,

It’s been a long time since we have been together and thank you for your incredible loyalty to Carnival Cruise Lines. You have quite an amazing collection of solid gold plastic trophies and I am happy to help you to complete the collection when you sail on the Carnival Sensation. You have a lot to celebrate and I wish I could be there with you. Thank you for the kind words and I hope one day we can cruise together again…..you will need a Carnival Magic trophy. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes to all
John

Shari seibert
Hi John * please reply*

I was told you might be able to help with us getting a table for two on our Elation cruise in November. Took my first cruise in 2004 and fell in love with it. We have now been on 4 cruises this being the 5th. The first cruise alone for me and my husband always have the entire crew with us. So we are hoping for some alone time. I love reading your blogs and your Facebook status. We are looking to book the Magic for spring break March 2012 any hopes of you being the cd?

Regards,
Shari

John Says:
Hello Shari Seibert

It’s always great to hear when people say how much they love the Carnival cruise experience. Can you please send me your exact sail date and the cabin numbers of those you wish to try and have seated together and I will do my best to arrange something for you. I am glad you are enjoying the blog thingy and my Facebook stuff and hope that we do get to meet one day on your Carnival Magic.

Please don’t forget to write

Best wishes
John

David B Asked:
John

Considering the fact that many of the cruise critic members like me voted not to have dancing and those prostitute like performances on the podiums is it not time to have one dining room where peace and quiet and good conversation is the only thing you will hear. Then there is another question. I have a cruise coming up on the Liberty in December and need to ask if there will be a Christmas Eve Mass held.

David

John Says:
Hello David

I checked with Mary the lady in Miami who is now taking care of our priest program which as I have mentioned before has room for improvement. Anyway, Mary is going to do her best to try and have a priest on as many ships as she can although I cannot confirm at this time whether the Carnival Liberty will have one or not. Please check back with me in late November and I will let you know.

Best wishes
John

Bari Goldberg Asked:
John, (reply)

Wow what can I say but thank you from the bottom of our hearts! Rather than decorate our room, we received a decent bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries, my very personal favorite! Thank you so much! We had a wonderful time on our Carnival Freedom cruise on August 28 – September 5, my husband’s first ever, my fifth but first Carnival. We are already looking to book another cruise for next October. Thank you for being a man of your word and doing something very special for us. You are GREATLY appreciated. Love your blog, especially when you get into bowels and logs, keep your great sense of humor! Again thanks for everything!

Bari & Randy Goldberg

John Says:
Hello Bari and Randi Goldberg

Just a quick reply to say thanks for saying thank you. I hope we see you onboard a fun for all Carnival cruise again soon.

Best wishes to you both
John

GHarkness Asked:
John, (please reply if you wish)

I just returned from my Carnival Ecstasy cruise and I would like to mention just a couple of things.

First, thank you so much for whatever you did to not make us fill out those inane surveys at the end of the cruise that suggest that if we don’t answer everything as superlative, the staff will have to walk the plank! Instead, I just now received a great questionnaire to be answered online, and not only were the questions thoughtful, but it was clearly okay to give our true, real impressions – bad or good.

In general, my experience was quite good and I stated so in the survey. In the two very small opportunities for improvement that I noted, there was a place to express myself clearly. No need to go into that here; there will always be an opportunity for improvement, and these were indeed small.

What I DID forget to mention in the survey – and was reminded of here – is that my husband is a fairly new piano student, and he really didn’t want to miss out on his practice while we were at sea, so he made a request at Guest Services to be allowed to use one of the pianos very early in the morning (5:30 am) in an area that was away from guest rooms, so he could practice without scaring people to death . The staff was so gracious to allow this, and he didn’t miss one single day of practice! I am not sure whether you are really aware of how important this type of thoughtfulness is to passengers like my husband, who wouldn’t have complained if he had been turned down….but it IS important, and I just have a feeling that your attitude that is so obvious here trickles down to the staff of all the ships at all levels.

So, (in a slight change of subject) do I care if you talk about farts and poo? No (it’s not like we don’t all do that too, anyway). Do I care if my requests are met with courtesy and consideration? YES! And that is where you and your staff shine, John.

Kudos to the whole staff of the Carnival Ecstasy and (I am sure) the rest of the fleet as well.

GHarkness

P.S. Immediately after disembarkation, I ran over a nail and got a flat within two minutes of leaving. Totally Carnival’s fault, I’m sure. (Just KIDDING!)

John, I am so sorry – I forgot to mention something in my earlier post. The Cold Avocado Soup I had for lunch the first day in the MDR was absolutely the best I have ever eaten. Not only that, a friend of mine who lives in California was on a different Carnival cruise at the same time as me, and she commented (entirely on her own) to me about that delicious Cold Avocado Soup! It is truly superb!

We have been discussing how to recreate this soup at home, when it dawned on me that you – and the Carnival chefs – have been exceedingly kind to share some of Carnival’s best recipes. This soup can only come in second to the Warm Chocolate Melting Cake – and so now, my big request: Please, pretty please, could we have the recipe? No need to break it down into a smaller quantity. I can do that – I just need as much of the original recipe as the chefs are willing to share, and my friend and I (and my husband and daughter) will be VERY grateful!

John Says:
Hello GHarkness

I think you are the first blogger to write about the new review card and I am very happy to hear that you appreciate them more than the old style card. There were some concerns I think that maybe guests wouldn’t complete them as often we all reach for the delete button when we get online surveys. However that has not been the case and the return has been extremely good and we are getting a much clearer picture of what guests think we do well and what we need to improve on. I was so glad to read that the crew allowed your husband to use the piano and that you had a great time. I have asked the chef for the recipe which I hope to have for Monday’s blog. I also want to thank you so much for the kind words and for putting up with me……… and my bowel movements. Please let me know if you need anything else.

Best wishes to you both
John

This just in – Avocado Soup recipe. Enjoy

Matthew Hollingsworth Asked:
Dear John, (please reply)

Long time follower of the blog, first time poster. I hope this reaches you somehow.

I wanted to thank you for all you do for all of us Carnival loyalists. I find it amazing how in the span of a day, that you manage to do all of the things that are required of you, all the while you still have time for us, the quests and a bit of humor.

I have had the pleasure of sailing with you several times. (As well as seeing you briefly in Dallas for the world’s largest beach ball thingy). However, I will mention that I have sailed with an almost equally equivalent CD. His name is Greg Kneale and I miss him terribly. Wish he was still sailing…anything you can do about that?

I have been sailing with Carnival since 1992 and have amassed more than 20 cruises with Carnival alone and I’m just in my 30’s. I now look forward to my first Milestone cruise.

Over all those cruises, I have managed to forge many fond acquaintances. I was also fortunate to form some personal friendships with others that I cherish to this day. A few I’d like to mention, SR Maitre’d Ante Kulusic, Maitre’d Leslie Salmeron, and former Carnival Captain Pier Paolo Scala(5 cruises). Some others as well, Ken Byrne, Food and Bev’g manager Victoriano Bernardez, CD’s Greg Kneale and Wee Jimmy and finally some rather cheeky fellow named John Heald. As well as countless crew members, some of who I still email to this day.
I’d like to say, that this is one of the main reasons I only choose to sail with Carnival. Each one these individuals went out of their way, UNSOLICITED, to make each one of my cruises even better. Even though I was technically Platinum(prior to it being acknowledged) I still received a very high level of courtesy and hospitality regardless.

Now that Platinum is recognized, it’s even more so. I am the type of person who rarely uses that status to be recognized. I rarely ask for or expect any special treatment, though I have on every occasion received it. It just makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m just humbled that I have the opportunity to spend my vacation aboard Carnival ships. That says a lot about the company and all of its hard working employees. It’s a great feeling and how you all deal with some of the people you have to, never ceases to amaze me. Some people have such nerve and blatantly go out of their way with their impossible expectations. I find them as useful as a handle on a snowball. How do you all keep on doing it? Give them to Norwegian or RCL.
While I mentioned earlier that I rarely, if ever ask for any special treatment, I need to cash in on your generous offer from our last encounter in Dallas. I’m sure you vividly recall…yeah right Matt.

I have the fortune of sailing on the Miracle November 11, 2010 and I have a couple of small and humble questions/request(s) if you don’t mind. And if you do mind, then please accept my apologies in advance for adding to your endless lists of requirements and requests.

Here goes, may I ask you to request a table for 2 (4 top) for my better half and myself in the upper Bacchus overlooking the lower dining room? A booth or a table is fine. We rather enjoy sitting next to the glass and looking over on the dining room below.

Also, is there any way you could find out if Chocolate Tres Leches is on the dessert menu for this 8 night cruise? I so love it and usually Ante or Leslie make arrangements for me to receive it even if I’m not cruising with them. Please know that I AM NOT asking for it on this cruise. Simply hoping it is offered. If not then, I can rely on the chocolate covered strawberries to satisfy my sweet tooth. They are the best and my absolute favorite as long as they have enough for me. I could dine on them alone for the entire cruise. Forget everybody else…just kidding.

Could you also check and see if we might have the sheer pleasure of seeing Happy Cole perform again on this cruise? Hands down, he is the funniest and best comedian at sea. I do so look forward to seeing him again and always hope he is on each one of our cruises.

Last question, I promise, what night would you suggest Nick and Nora’s supper club? Often, I have a menu before I sail so I can select my choices and then lick my chops with anticipation. But I do not know what the 8 night menu features and I don’t want to miss anything from the dining room. Usually, I go over the menu and select a night that the offerings are my least favorite, if that’s possible.

I want to thank you again, in advance, for all you do for all of us Carnival peeps. I have so enjoyed all of my Carnival cruises. Each one has been special or meaningful (see below) in so many ways. And it is without doubt, due to the tireless efforts of so many hard working staff and their pursuit to provide the very best cruise experience. I humbly salute them all. They are wonderful people full of smiles and an endless supply generous kindness. I count the days until I cross that gangway to board.

As I previously mentioned, each cruise has been special or meaningful in some way. However, this cruise will be bittersweet. For the first time, I will be sailing with the loss of my father earlier this year on my mind. I mention this as he is the reason for my love of the sea and ships that sail on it. He proudly served years in the United States Navy and traveled the world by ship. He served his country with that pride while fulfilling his dream of being at sea. I miss him terribly, however I know that early in the mornings and the late evening when the deck is all quiet, that he will be right there with me. And we can enjoy a moment together in spirit as the ships gracefully slices through the water and the warm breeze sweeps across the deck.

I offer my sincere appreciation to you for taking the time to read this. And if your able, to answer any of my questions. If not, then please don’t concern yourself. I am just grateful that you make it possible for me to have the opportunity to ask. I regret that I missed you when I sailed the Splendor last year but I look forward to hopefully seeing you again on the Magic from my home state of Texas. Best wishes to you and yours, always.

Kindest & warmest regards,
Matthew Hollingsworth

John Says:
Hello Matthew

It’s funny you should mention Greg Kneale because he now lives in PV and next week I have arranged to see him. He was indeed a great CD and unfortunately for him we often had guests think he was me and I was him as we sort of looked like each other……the poor sod. Please never feel bad about asking me for anything as that is one of the reasons I sit here, in my underpants, writing to you all. I will indeed ask the maitre d to help you with your table request and you will be happy to hear that the Tres Leches dessert is indeed on the menu during the second elegant night. Here is your itinerary:

Thursday, Nov 11 Ft Lauderdale, FL 4:00pm

Friday, Nov 12 Fun Day at Sea – ELEGANT

Saturday, Nov 13 Fun Day at Sea Sunday,

Nov 14 St. Maarten, NA 8:00am 5:00pm  – STEAKHOUSE

Monday, Nov 15 St. Lucia, WI 9:00am 5:00pm

Tuesday, Nov 16 St Kitts, WI 9:00am 4:00pm

Wednesday, Nov 17 Fun Day at Sea – ELEGANT

Thursday, Nov 18 Fun Day at Sea

Friday, Nov 19 Ft Lauderdale, FL 8:00am

Looking at your schedule I would suggest that you eat in the steakhouse after departure from St. Martin and with that great port behind you and the St. Lucia the next day I think this would be a great night to enjoy this great experience. The entertainment schedule is not yet complete for November but I do hope you enjoy the Punchliner Comedy Club and that Happy Cole is there to make you laugh out loud.

Please except my sympathies for the loss of your father and I am sure that this coming cruise will be one that will evoke much mixed emotion. However, I hope that you have a brilliant time and of course that you tell us all about it when you come home. Thank you also for all the kind words.

Best wishes
John

That’s all for today and many thanks for all the great comments.

Let’s take a break shall we? Having just spoken about one of our former Cruise Directors Greg Kneale I thought I would show you what another all time favourite Corey Schmidt is doing. You may remember that he visited me on the Carnival Splendor a few weeks ago and that he is now involved in the movie business as a location manager and is currently working on a new Adam Sandler movie. He sent me a report that I thought I would share with you.

Hello John

Behind the scenes movie magic. Today we are shooting our first location which is a restaurant that was taken care of 3 weeks ago with tech scouts, permits the works. Adam   wanted more of a chain style restaurant i.e. Chile’s, TGIF or Applebee’s which goes with the scene better. I wrangled a closed Applebee’s in my home town and took care of all of   the logistics i.e. crew parking for 300, base camp, spot for catering, VIP trailers and everything that goes into a location. In the eleventh hour it was decided that since Adam   Sandler is playing the role of Jill which takes 2 1/2 hours and since the closed Applebee’s is 2 hours from the studios we got the news at noon on Monday we needed to get a new restaurant location by Sony Studios and the hunt was on. In 1 1/2 days we secured “everything” needed to film at a local chain restaurant that I can’t say as we are there now and we paid to close the entire restaurant last night while our rigging team prepared everything with a crew call at 7 am. Our first shot went off flawlessly at 10:52am. That’s just some of the life of working in locations.

I forgot to mention that all of this was done during LA’s first big rain storm of the season which still has the skies opening up while I type this in a dry trailer on set. Please say hello to all the people who still have happy memories of me as their Cruise Director and   I will send you another update very soon.

Ber Wee!
Corey

Thanks mate and I won’t bother explaining the “Ber Wee” ending but I will hope that you can send us another update from the set soon.

It’s time for some good news. Last week you may remember that we had to air lift one of our crew members from the ship for urgent medical attention in a San Diego hospital. Ever since then he has remained in a serious condition. However, yesterday we heard that he had managed to speak his first few words since the incident and that is a very positive sign indeed. Carnival continues to look after him and his family and the crew raised $2,500 for him which is just brilliant. I will keep you informed as to his progress.

Obviously we couldn’t have saved his life without the magnificent help of United States Coast Guard and I thought you might like to read another story involving them and our friends from Holland America.  Here is the link thingy:

http://www.komonews.com/news/local/104239684.html

My thanks to the office of the President of Holland America Stein Kruse for sending me this and again………a huge thank you to the men and women of the Coast Guard for the lives they have saved and the lives we will ask them to save in the future.

I read with interest that passengers were stuffing valuables into their socks……….I would use a pair of my underpants. One pair would hold my laptop, my raspberry, the photos of Kye and Heidi, some sandwiches, a case of diet coke and my assistant Stephanie.

OK, I have to pop to the you know where now so while I do that…..you have a look at a video from this week’s marriage show and listen to some brilliant words of advice from a lady married for 59 years.

Well unfortunately it’s time for me to go and do this sodding all day health and high visibility meeting. I won’t be able to send a blog tomorrow as we have part 2 and with the bedtime story and talent show etc tonight I won’t have time to write. I will though send secret clandestine reports from my raspberry to my Facebook thingy page so if you’re not my mate on there now please come and join me. Tomorrow’s health and high visibility meeting starts at 8 am and if that’s not bad enough I really wanted to spend the day with the girls as they will be leaving on Sunday. And so that’s a warning to all those who hate it when I talk about my family that on Monday’s blog……..you may find me to be a totally miserable bastard.

One thing we won’t be talking about at the health and high visibility meeting is the rise of a new horror which seems to sweeping the office in Miami. It’s a new way of talking that’s creeping into the entertainment department and operations and even the normally plain spoken people in public relations……….and it’s something that must be addressed.

And the people responsible are the young office marketing types. Let me explain.

Yesterday I was asked to forward an e-mail to someone in operations.  All I had to do was click the mouse, type in a name and press send. It took maybe 15 seconds. I then got an e-mail back that said “Thanks,” they’ll reply. “You’re a star.”

Nothing makes one feel quite so patronized as receiving excessive praise for a minor accomplishment from someone who eats lunch at Chuck E. Cheese and has zits. This is how we talk to toddlers when they’re being potty trained, not adults with hemorrhoids and grey hair.

Another example was during a conference call last week when someone told someone else on the call that they were “a legend.” All this person had done was say that they would send a memo out. Honestly, it makes me want to flick the back of their legs with a wet towel

But the reason I am writing about this today was because the horror has spread to onboard the ships as well as in the office. Last night a twenty something guest called me a star because I pointed to where the bathrooms were.  I’m 45 for God’s sake…..I can manage to point you to a sodding bathroom and that makes me a star.

Anyway, on that note it’s time for me to bugger off and go to this meeting where we will discuss how not to fall over and how not to shove an electric drill through our eye sockets. I hope you are ok with me not writing a blog tomorrow……..is that OK? ………Yes?…………oh brilliant, thanks for that……….you are all stars………………except Mr. Cloonpitt.

Goodnight
Your friend
John

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.