Pole Position

October 28, 2010 -

John Heald

Just before we get into the meat and potatoes of today’s blog I need a favour. Does anyone know a good cure for snoring? It’s not me you understand because despite my fatness I don’t snore according to Heidi and Nora Titov my Latvian…….oh bugger……I mean according to Heidi.

No, it’s not me but my new next door neighbor. It’s 7 am and here I sit in my underpants having been woken not by the alarm clock which was set for 7:15am but by the new guest services manager who sounds like a whale with a foghorn shoved up its arse. Anyway, I will have to tell him because I can’t go on like this. The last GSM had more rumpy pumpy than a field full of rabbits but this is worse….much worse. I would rather listen to someone banging like a screen door in a hurricane than his sodding snoring.

Anyway, sorry I am a bit of a grumpy pants this morning and let’s change pace shall we ……….. actually we can’t because here’s something else to do with hearing.

Guest: Mrs ———-Ref: 842022731A
Cabin: ——————Added-Changed: 10/26/10 – 10/26/10

Guest called from their cabin and said that her husband had accidently dropped his hearing aid into the toilet and the toilet was blocked and making a continuous noise. Guest said that she needed help urgently. GSA called Chief Plumber and also chief security for incident report.

Now there are times when you must read some of the things I write in my thingy that surely somebody must believe I have made up…………I would. Nope………..this is true and when I read this I am sure I did what many of you did and had a good laugh. Although this incident has nothing to do with me it was one I had to investigate and henceforth I called the guest who by the time we spoke had the hearing aid returned. It seems her husband decided to take his hearing aid off while he was ummm…..well you know. I can understand this in a way because some of us like to read and obviously he likes to poo in silence. Anyway, when he stood up to flush his hearing aid dropped in the bowl at the same time as he flushed and both the aid and the battery thingy got flushed away.

Amazingly the guest told me the unit had managed to survive the journey from the basin to the pipe where it stuck fast without breaking and apart from having to change the water logged batteries and the unit being a bit yuckier than it was before it works perfectly. My fear was also that supposing the hearing aid had been sucked up into the guest toilet in the cabin next door. Can you imagine the horror you would feel if you deposited your dinner, stood up and found you had crapped out some wires, two batteries and something that looks like a small ear?

Time for today’s questions………here we go.

Janet Asked:
John: Please reply.

I would like to suggest, unless you have a reason unbeknownst to us why you post the insulting comments, that you just don’t bother putting them in your blog. (I don’t mean the complaints on service etc; I mean the personal attacks you receive.) It is obvious to see that your real, true followers love you and love your humor and especially your family spirit. People like to hear about men that love their wives and families and involve themselves with their children. You have a lot of great qualities that we all enjoy.

It is just downright rude and insulting some of things people write and since it is your personal blog, you don’t have to subject yourself and Heidi to it. We all have flaws of one kind or another, why these people feel they are above others, I don’t know.

You don’t owe these creeps anything…just because your blog is open to the public doesn’t mean it is open to any of the ridicules that are thrown at you. I think as long as you keep posting the rude comments, people will keep sending them to you. Just like rude/loud people that like to be heard, I guess those on the internet like to be seen!

Keep up the good work and we’ll be seeing you on the Splendor on the 17th of October! We can’t wait.

John Says:
Hello Janet

I have thought long and hard about this and I am going to be a little more selective in what I post. While I will always post the comments that contain a negative experience from a cruise or a suggestion based on something a guest may not be happy with, I may not post the ones that are a direct hit out at me. I always wanted this to be a blog that was unedited and where free speech was encouraged and I won’t let that change, but if the sole reason of a post is to tell me I am fat and an idiot then I see no reason to post that because I know I am already.

I want to thank you for taking the time to write and for your support. I hope you had fun here on the Carnival Splendor and that you continue to enjoy the blog thingy

Best wishes

Ann Mccleskey Asked:
Dear John (reply if possible)

Since this is not a real computer; I cannot open a virtual tour. Do you suppose we could have some still photos of the magic? Very excited about our TA trip next year. love to Heidi and baby Kye

Ann from Schulenburg

John Says:
Hello Ann Mccleskey

Yes of course Ann. Right now the ship is coming together nicely and in January I will be heading to the shipyard in Italy and by then there should be some great photo opportunities which I will share with you all. Thanks for the kind words for my family and I send my best wishes to you and yours


Jeremy T Asked:

I just read the article on Cruise Critic about smoking and the comments that mentioned your blog and having never cruised on a Carnival party boat I am now sure I won’t. Why do you pander to smokers who plague the world killing innocent people and they are murderers. Royal Caribbean has 100% no smoking inside policy and that one of the reasons they get my business. Get me a non smoking Carnival boat and maybe you will see me


John Says:
Hello Jeremy T

I had no idea that RCI ships were 100% non smoking inside, that was a big surprise to me. Are you sure about that? Anyway, as you will see in a moment the timing of your post is excellent because smoking policies were discussed at a meeting I was in yesterday and I will write more about that soon. Until then I hope you will consider sailing with us and enjoying the amazing value for money, brilliant food and service and most of all…….fun.

Best wishes


Victoria Barker Langford Asked:
Dear John,

My mom gave me your blog website and told me to check it out!! I had a couple of questions for ya!!

1) Me my husband and my parents were wondering where a couple of our past waiter staff were because they were truly wonderful and we would love to see them again!! It was when we were on the Carnival Conquest the week of 8-24-2008…their names were Romando (head waiter) Tatiana (assistant waiter) and Alex (bartender) I would travel to see these guys again they were truely wonderful!!

2) Me and my Husband and my parents leave going on the Carnival Triumph Oct 16, 2010 to celebrate mine and my husband’s 1 year wedding anniversary and I was wondering if there was a place to buy the 24k plastic piece of ship on a stick..I don’t know what’s so special about them but I think it would be awesome to have one!! And do you perhaps know who or CD will be.

Thank you so much hope to hear from ya soon!!

Tori Langford!!

John Says:
Hello Victoria Barker Langord

Can’t help after typing your very posh name to say, “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” I am very glad that your Mum put you in touch with the blog which I hope you enjoy. I tracked down Romando who is currently working on the Carnival Liberty but so far I have not been able to trace Alex or Tatiana because without last names it is very difficult indeed. I am so glad they made a difference. I want to apologise that I got this post after your sailing on the Carnival Triumph. I am 3 – 4 weeks behind and that means that I am really struggling to keep up and asking everyone to post any requests at least one month before they sail. I hope you had fun and I promise next time I will make sure you get your trophy.

Best wishes to you both

Michelle Fournier Asked:

Hello John! Please Reply

My dear husband and I are cruising on the Spirit November 4th out of San Diego (Stateroom 4105). This will be our third cruise, and I just realized I have never attended the safety drill. The first cruise we missed it due to flight delays and the second we were hanging out in my Mother-in-laws cabin (she of the 20+ cruises) and she told us we didn’t need to go (just follow everyone else if something happens, she said). So, I am looking forward to my first safety drill.

This cruise is celebrating many things for us including our five year wedding anniversary and both of our birthdays. It is also our much-delayed honeymoon, since we didn’t get one when we married (we bought a house instead).

You can skip the table for two, because really what’s the fun in that? However, a little gift would be appreciated. This will also be the first cruise we have ever been on just the two of us, we have always cruised with a large group of family so I really don’t know what we are going to do on our own. (Okay, I have some ideas but this is a family blog, right?)

Much love to you and the girls, and keep up the good work on the bloggy thing and otherwise!

John Says:
Hello Michelle Fournier

It is, of course, very important that everyone attends the safety briefing. If everyone followed everyone else then everyone would be at the wrong muster station and then…..well you get the picture. These days we have the stateroom stewards checking every cabin, under the beds, behind the shower curtain, in the safe and the drawers to make sure everyone is attending. So, look forward to your first safety briefing and of course a wonderful cruise. If you need help on how to keep your husband occupied at night please let me know but until then I will indeed send you a little something.

Have a great time and my best wishes to all

Andy Kiriacades Asked:
John – reply needed

When will you be announcing the 2012 cruises? I am trying to plan a 5oth wedding anniversary and want to book 20 cabins for September 2012. I need to know what ship you will be on as well.

Thanks for all you do

John Says:
Hello Andy

What a wonderful way for you and your family to celebrate that brilliant milestone. I will ask someone now about 2012’s itineraries etc and see if they can give me an idea as to when we will release the news on what ship is going where. As for my schedule….well I really have no idea and I guess I will also have to see what ship is doing what. I am honoured that you would think of both Carnival and I for this wonderful family gathering. I will get back to you as soon as I can with information on this

Best wishes to you all

Kevin and Heidi-Beth Asked:
Hey John,

Please reply, when it is convenient

Well, we finally did it. I just booked the Carnival Sensation for Dec 9, a week after our 20 anniversary. It has been three years, and we could not wait for Half Moon Cay, though we will try to go there next year.

My wife was looking over the CD schedule, and she was wondering what a Skippy is. She is worried about an over sized jar of peanut butter at the welcome aboard show.

Either way, it has been way too long, and we are so much looking forward to sailing again

Til next time

John Says:
Hello Kevin Haeidi and Beth

Congratulations on booking your Carnival Sensation cruise. I haven’t seen that ship since I delivered her from new back in 1993. I have such great memories of that vessel and I know since her upgrades she has become even more popular. Skippy the peanut butter jar has actually been replaced and your CD will now be Peter the Pop Tart and he and his assistants Mary the Muffin and Billy the Bagel will make sure you have a brilliant time. OK…….enough of this bollocks.

Skippy was a famous Kangaroo from a TV series. Here’s a link to some classic Skippy stuff

Yes. That was one clever Kangaroo who would bound up to its owner and say “tut tuit tut tut tuttttttt tut tuit tut tut tuttttttt” and his owner would say “What…little Ricky has fallen off a cliff at Bastard Canyon and his hanging by his shorts and unless I get there in the next 32 minutes he will fall to his death?” The real Skippy named himself after the Kangaroo because ummm……..he is Australian I guess although he does have as much energy as a Kangaroo. His real name is Mark Lyons and here he is.

OK, kidding
Here he is.

I hope all three of you have fun and please leave a note at the guest services desk with your cabin on as Skippy is expecting you and will have a little something for you. He is a great guy and a brilliant CD that I know you will enjoy.

Best wishes to the three of you


Wendy R Asked:
John – please reply

I had asked you to get me a table for two and send me something special for my 40th birthday but nothing was done because my request didn’t get to you in time. There must be a better way for you to do this because you left me broken hearted and it ruined my cruise. We ended up on a table with old people and I got no mention of my birthday. You do not offer good customer service.

I am very upset.


John Says:
Hello Wendy

I am so sorry I didn’t get to your comment in time to send you a birthday gift and arrange your table. I have been mentioning that I am 3 – 4 weeks behind and so I must have received yours after your sailing date. Anyway, please accept my apologies and know that I am one chap doing the best he can to manage a blog, a Facebook page and be a CD to 3,500 guests all at the same time. Occasionally things fall through the cracks as in this case. I hope you still had fun.

Best wishes

Cruise lover Asked:
Hi John, (please respond)

Thank you for taking your personal time to write this blog thingy. I enjoy reading your thoughts. I was also a big fan of Benny Hill. He cracked me up.

One thing I would like to know. I have no problem with children in the steakhouse as long as they are behaved. I have heard though that the parents are bringing them in and bringing food from other areas to eat. Is this correct? It seems to me that all should be charged if they are occupying a chair. It could possibly keep paying customers out if they are just taking up space.

I will be sailing with you soon but after you read this so here is hoping our time on the splendor will have been awesome.
Best wishes.

John Says:
Hello Cruise Lover

It’s interesting that Benny Hill was more popular in the States and Canada as he was in the UK. Yes he was famous but in the States he achieved somewhat a cult following. I agree with you that if a child has good parents who understand and enforce family values than children have every right to be in the steakhouse. They are indeed charged the same price and it is important to note that there is no children’s menu. I have only ever seen one comment about a badly behaved child there and in that case the child was an infant who was crying a lot. Apart from that it has not to my knowledge ever been a concern.

Have you sailed yet, are you sailing soon?

Regardless I hope you had/have a brilliant time and thanks for the kind words

Best wishes


Carin Asked:
Please Reply – Time Sensitive-ish – Saildate 10/30/10
Hello again John, you odd duck, you! It’s been ages! Ok, that’s stretching the truth a bit…

It’s been WEEKS since I last wrote you to expound upon the greatness of the Dream TA and her Dream Team, to tell you how much you are appreciated (bunches!), and to see if you can whisper in the ear of a certain Maître d’ on the Dream to send an early request for a table for 4 with a view for my gang. My husband and I will be sailing on the 10/30 Halloween Cruise with two good friends who I just know would be thrilled to dine overlooking the water – we’re in 1365 and they’re in 2469. I’m hoping to surprise them with this small luxury. I don’t expect miracles; just hope we’ll have a better shot at an even lovelier dining experience than on previous trips. (And yes, for those of you who are peeking, I will be standing in line to request this personally at embarkation — I just hope John can help grease the wheels a little…)

We four are really looking forward to this vacation! My husband Aaron is giving it to me for 10 years together and 7 years of wedded bliss-i-ness (so sweet!!) and the other couple (Trevor and Reka) will be celebrating a 3rd Date-a-versary – so it’s going to be a nice festive week for our gang! Despite practically all of the Dream Team having moved on to other ships, for my husband and me it will still be like going home. We can’t wait to meet the new Dreamy Crew! And for our friends, the Dream will be a big happy surprise – they don’t have any idea how fabulous the ship truly is! Shhh – don’t tell. I want it to be a secret until they board!

Anyway, that’s it. Thanks so much for all you do, John! You make us giggle and remind us every day how much we LOVE cruising with Carnival. Hope to sail with you again sometime soon. (I’d be happy to run interference for you with the complainers) Hugs to Heidi and Kye… I’m so glad you’ve been enjoying time with your ladies. Your happiness at having them near is showing these days. Hopefully the next Heald family gathering will be very lengthy and very SOON!

Wish I was there!!
(a proud odd duck!)

PS – I think the ‘Odd Duck’ costume idea is absobloodylutely brilliant! You should do it!

John Says:
Hello Carin

Me dressed as a duck…….I am not sure what shop sells XXXXXXXL duck costumes but if you find one please get it for me and send me the bill………get it?…….send me the bill…..as in bill. Never mind. I am so happy to hear that you are a Carnival Dream fan and what a wonderful thing that you are bringing your friends with you as well. I have asked the maitre d to do his best to help with your table request and I want to wish you a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes to you a

Susan Gilleland Asked:
Dear John, Please Reply,

First off, thanks, as always, for your blog, and your Facebook posts – you have no idea how many smiles and laughs you give us all on otherwise dreadful, non-cruise days!
I noticed a small change in the safety drill on the Triumph last week – Cruise Director Noonan reminded parents that their children are indeed still THEIR responsibility while on the ship. Kudos to Noonan, and to the entire fleet if this announcement is being made on all ships. That being said, some of the parents and grandparents were probably drunk, asleep, or chattering away during that brief segment of the drill.

We were on board with our 9 and 11 year old kids, and there was a larger number of kids in that age group than I might have expected, given that school has just started pretty much everywhere. Well, this was a great thing for the most part, as Camp Carnival had a nice group of kids. And then there were the kids that never went to Camp Carnival…

On the day we were docked in Cozumel, my kids were on their way to get ice cream on the Lido Deck (we had lido deck staterooms, and we will always try to book those in the future, it was so convenient!) when an 11 year old girl accosted my son. She pulled his hair, hit him, and told him he had no right to be alive (much less on the ship, I suppose) because he was a boy. My son is quite the pacifist, so he just let her abuse him, then went on his way. My 9 year old daughter was horrified, though, and confronted the girl to tell her not to be mean to her big brother. At that point, the other girl proceeded to beat my daughter up – punching, kicking, hair pulling, etc – until three other little girls pulled her off my child and held her back. She returned to our room in complete panic and hysteria, and while I calmed her down, my husband went in search of the grandparents – who, of course, had just returned from shopping and drinking in port while leaving their grandkids to roam the ship alone for hours. We did not get the ship’s staff involved, but my daughter felt very unsafe from that point on, which put a damper on the remainder of her cruise (and ours).

I know that kids will be kids (and morons will be morons) and obviously none of this is the fault of Carnival. I just encourage you to have the cruise directors and other staff really impress upon parents that they must supervise their children, and must ensure that their children are not misbehaving around the ship. Some kids are mature enough to walk around the ship without supervision, and clearly, some are not. The most we used to worry over was other people’s kids pushing all the elevator buttons, or stealing all the room service door hangers in the hallways at night – I never worried about my 9 year old daughter ending up bruised and with hair falling out, after being brutalized by a child who obviously should not have been left unsupervised. Lesson learned. Our kids have been on 16 Carnival cruises, and this surely won’t be our last – I just hope we are on board with better parents/grandparents next time around. My kids shouldn’t have to fear for their safety when walking to get ice cream, and we as parents should not feel we can’t give our well-behaved children that small measure of independence because of other young miscreants roaming the ship.

John Says:

Hello Susan Gillieland

I am glad you are enjoying the Facebook updates and I am just getting used to this new fan page thingy. Noonan was correct to add this to his announcement and I have been encouraging all the CD’s to do this. While our Camp Carnival, Club Circle C and Club O2 staff will make sure the kids have a great time it is indeed the responsibility of parents, guardians etc to make sure they behave properly. I think for the most part they do and we often forget that when we have an “incident” with a naughty kid or teen that all the other children have been well behaved.

I was so sorry to read about the incident with your daughter and I hope that she is OK. Please may I encourage you and all guests that anytime anything like this happens that you be sure to let the shipboard team know. We will not tolerate behavior like this and when we hear about incidents such as this we can take immediate action.

It is again the parent’s responsibility and we would definitely hold them responsible for the behavior of their children. Thanks for letting me know and please don’t worry as this is a very, very isolated incident and certainly I am positive that your daughter will enjoy her next cruise so much and once again please accept my apologies for what happened.

Best wishes to all

Nancy Mullins Asked:

I wrote to you about five weeks ago to ask a favor of you but so far haven’t received a reply. Maybe too early or maybe I didn’t send it correctly so here goes again.

My husband, sister and brother-in-law and of course me will be on the Dream December 4, (this is our fourth cruise, two on the Glory and the nine day cruise on the Dream last year.) We loved the Dream and of course loved getting to meet you. I wonder if you could help us out again We would like to have a table for four on the upper level – Mullins – room OS7234 and Howington – room OS7230. Last year we had a wonderful table in the Scarlet Restaurant #685 for the six o’clock dinning time (with your help) and was hoping you could help us again. I loved the recent picture of your beautiful daughter. Love your blog. Thanks for your help. Please reply on your blog.

Nancy Mullins

John Says:

Hello Nancy Mullins

Sorry I haven’t replied until now. I am way behind with my answers to questions and of course I would be glad to ask the maitre d to assist with your table request and I am sure he will do his best to assist you. Have a brilliant time and let me know how it all went when you get home.

Best wishes to all

Cindy Lecomte Asked:

Thank you for writing your blog & giving of your time for our enjoyment. I had the pleasure of sailing on Carnival Dream with my family in January, but it was the week before you took over, so we did not get to see you in action. I am sailing again on Carnival Destiny Nov. 15 with 7 other friends (all ladies) to celebrate my 50th birthday. I’m hoping you can assist with a table request. On the Dream for the MDR we were on the second floor in the corner, so we didn’t get to see all the main floor entertainment of the staff. (I do have to mention that our waiter Elbert & his assistant Normand were absolutely fantastic and my adult children went to dinner every night just to see them)>

My request – I’m hoping you can organize a round table for 8 in the middle of the dining room. My friends are all newbie cruisers and I would like for them to have the best time (and hopefully cruise again).  I realize with just over 3 weeks away this request might not get to you in time, but I appreciate any thing you can do.

Thank you John.

John Says:
Hello Cindy Lecomte

Thanks for the kind words and I would be happy to ask the maitre d on the Carnival Destiny to do his best to arrange a table for you. I hope you all have a brilliant cruise and that you have a very happy birthday.
Best wishes

Annette Love Asked:
Dear John,

I have been a huge fan ever since you started the blog and love your wit. Thank you so much for entertaining us every day. I wanted to let you know how wonderful many of the cruise chat sites are including my two favorites of CC and CLF. Yes, there are trolls, braggers, and just downright nasty people but that is true of all the world isn’t it? It is also a wonderful place for people to get together and share wonderful experiences and build lifetime friendships.

We will be cruising on the Freedom on 11/06/10 with friends we met on the chat sites that have now become lifelong friends and Cruisemates. Having been raised in the era before the internet exploded we all laugh with each other when people ask us how we all met and we tell them we met our BFF’s online It does seem kind of creepy. The three of us ladies are the biggest chatters of course but I am amazed at how close our husbands have become as well. They too have developed lifelong friendships so that just goes to prove that wonderful things happen in the chat sites as well.

It would be wonderful if you could treat our awesome husbands with some little token as they have been such wonderful supporters of the three of us for so many years and are taking us all on this cruise to celebrate our anniversaries. My husband and I will be celebrating our 25th on the Freedom and it feels like just yesterday we were married.

The Loves are in cabin 6223, the Broyles are in cabin 6225, and the Moss’s are in cabin 6453 and it would be such a hoot to be able to give back to them something special on this trip as much as they have been so special to us trying out one Carnival ship after another.

Keep up the all your wonderful stories John and know that some of us on the boards are nice people with sunny attitudes toward life like you. I certainly hope that we get to sail together sometime.

Till then, God Bless!

Annette Love
aka auctiontx

John Says:
Hello Annette Love

What’s CLF? Anyway, you are of course correct when you say that most of the people on the cruise sites are wonderful people who every now and then are invaded by what I have learned recently are people called Trolls. Anyway, it’s so great when people meet online and then decide to cement that relationship further by taking a cruise together with Carnival. I hope you all have a brilliant time and I will ask the CD on the Carnival Freedom to send you husbands a little something. Have a brilliant time

Best wishes to you all

That’s all for today except that I have the sad task of having to ban the second person from this blog thingy. I am not even to grace this page with his name. His personal attacks on me are like a broken pencil…….pointless…….and honestly they didn’t bother me. However, now he has started attacking other bloggers and that won’t be tolerated. He has never cruised with us and never has a question about the ships or anything positive to say and so while I wish him safe journeys as he drives his truck……..his comments will not be posted ever again here on the blog thingy.

Well, in the last few weeks the blog has gotten bigger and bigger with more and more readers and henceforth more and more questions and comments that require answers and as you can see I am somewhat behind in answering them. This batch was submitted on October 6.

Anyway, I have decided to do something different tomorrow and rather than write a normal blog with ship stories etc I am going to do a Q and A blog only. I will answer 30 questions and this will at least help in getting me caught up. So please tune in tomorrow for that as well as updates on what’s happening onboard on my new Facebook page thingy. Here once again is the link to the new “fan page“……as one of my Facebook friends reminded me yesterday “are fans allowed onboard?”

So here we are in Mazatlan and it’s a beautiful day. Yesterday the beards from Miami left and heading back to HQ taking with them lots of ideas and suggestions. I showed them all your comments about smoking and made sure that both sides were represented. What I can tell you is that as I have mentioned here before is certainly true and that is smoking is a massively contentious subject. This is why so far no cruise line has gone to a 100% non-smoking policy and it will take a very bold cruise line to do so. They asked me my opinion on smoking on the balconies and I repeated my view that while smoking in the cabins should be something we should at least consider not allowing anymore that smoking on a balcony should be something that continues to be part of what is permitted. I added that most guests (not all) would be understanding of this policy.

I also mentioned that cigar lovers are very respectful to smoking around non-smokers and we’re looking at some alternatives for cigar smokers as well. I put some ideas on the table for them to run up the flagpole. I think it’s a good piece of blue sky thinking and hopefully it will swankifie the ship……….oh bugger………I appear to have caught a serious case of marketingitus. Anyway, we tossed around a variety of ideas and some suggestions that other senior officers here seemed to agree with. Let’s see what happens next.

We also spoke about the piano bars. As you know for the most part our piano bars are smoking bars but here on the Carnival Splendor it is smoke free. Opinion is certainly divided here and I honestly have no idea where the senior beards will take us on this one. Indeed, I have no idea what will happen in the future because there is only one definite when it comes to smoking and that is when you carry thousands of guests every week on your cruise line you have to try and make sure that you are offering something to both non smokers and smokers alike. For now though I raised the points of the many who have written here and did my very best to represent both sides.

Well the beards have gone now and here I sit once again in my underpants writing to you. Back in PV we had a guest who had a domestic dispute with his partner and when security arrived the guest punched one of the guards. The guest and his partner were disembarked and received a letter telling them that they would be banned for life from cruising with Carnival and that any attempt to book a cruise with us could result in loss of deposit or monies paid. Good ………the bastard deserves nothing less and I only wish I could publish his name here.

Apart from him, the guests this week have been loads of fun and the atmosphere around the ship is excellent. My mood may have been excellent as well if I had agreed to go to a gentlemen’s club in PV. …………but I didn’t……..honestly Heidi………I didn’t.

I was invited by another senior officer who was celebrating a landmark birthday by taking a group of guys to a Mexican club called Las Bado Bingo…..OK it wasn’t called that…..but whatever it was called there was no way I was going…….why……well because I don’t drink and I am sorry…………but a strip club…….in Mexico…….. sober?

Having a few drinks takes the blame of lusting over some stranger’s breasts and bottom…..but doing it sober……well to me……that’s extra pervy. To me, five bottles of beer and a dollop of Jack Daniels is the only thing that makes it possible for me to sit there glimpsing one’s own ugly bent toothed face in the mirrored wall without shrieking “What the sodding hell am I doing here? Why am I watching young Mexican females gyrating their waxed lady gardens near tables – tables where they serve food?”

It’s not that I don’t approve of these clubs although I am sure there are some who do. I would object, for sure, if anyone suggested building a French Restaurant in my backyard, but a gentlemen’s club…….well that wouldn’t bother me. However, I don’t go to them not just because I don’t drink but because I don’t like the music or the volume it’s played at And if Heidi did find out I had had a Mexican senjorita gyrating on my lap I could hardly say “It was the Diet Cokes that made me do it darling.” The dancers probably prefer you drunk as well because you’re more likely to stuff $20 bills in various orfices.

Anyway, I am sure they had fun and meanwhile I hosted the Mexican Folkloric show and then went to my cabin alone and watched repeats of The West Wing again. As I did I thought of my friends at Las Starbutts with two bagfuls of silicone in their face ………the lucky sods.

Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.