Message from John

November 30, 2010 -

John Heald

Flying these days is about as much fun as spending a week in a Turkish prison. I already had a crap morning driving on snowy motorways to Heathrow. Once there I parked my car at the £200,009,876 a day parking facility and walked to check in where a 17 year old Virgin asked me if I had packed my suitcase myself. Oh by the way when I say the 17 year old was a Virgin I mean she works for Virgin Atlantic not that she was a virgin because she is 17 year old Londoner which means she obviously isn’t.


Frank's House

November 26, 2010 -

John Heald

I don’t know much about my neighbour. I know his name is Frank and that he owns a chain of dry cleaning stores. I say hello to him when he is washing his Porsche which he does every Saturday morning at 9 am come rain or shine and he replies with a curt nod. I know his wife is even quieter than he is and Heidi says she hasn’t seen her for weeks.


A Kiss and a Hug

November 24, 2010 -

John Heald

Good morning everyone. This is going to be a quick blog today because the 344 Stephanies and the 44 people whose name start with an E and the one and only Vance will be travelling to meet their families for Thanksgiving. I also have been instructed to hurry up and write because I have been told I am taking Kye to a place called Marsh Farm today which is a place where Kye can feed baby animals and tread in cow poo. (more…)

And there I am once again right in the sodding doghouse and all because of best mate Alan….the total and utter bastard.

Yesterday Heidi, Kye and I popped over to their house for a cuppa (spelt correctly) tea during which his beautiful wife Alison decided to proclaim just how wonderful he was around the house and that he was able to multitask. Heidi looked on with cow eyes and I could see that Alan’s greatness would only highlight the fact that I was a useless sod whose multitasking skills only involved being able to pee in the shower. (more…)

Behind the Scenes: Sr. Cruise Director (Part 1)

November 23, 2010 -

Eric the Beard

We recently had a chance to sit down with the mostly incomparable John Heald and give him a chance to take us through — in his own words — what he actually does on a typical day, why he does it, and even a little bit of how he got started being the cruise director that thousands know and at least claim to love today. 🙂

Please enjoy part one of Behind the Scenes: Sr. Cruise Director.

A Message From My Mentor

November 22, 2010 -

John Heald

The other day there was a comment on the blog from a chap who was a little miffed that our crew would possibly be saying “Merry Christmas” and not “Happy Holidays.” I wrote then that I had no idea if we were saying “Merry or Happy Christmas” for fear of upsetting those of non-Christian beliefs. So I asked someone with a beard in Miami and she told me that there were no specific guidelines on this. I am glad about this. My opinion here is that we should say both “Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays” therefore respecting everyone’s beliefs.


Mark….. My Words

November 19, 2010 -

John Heald

Things in the Heald household are slowly getting back to normal. Kye loves me and I love her and last night I realised I loved my wife Heidi and wanted to express that love by offering her the chance to see me naked as I offered her some luxurious rumpy pumpy. Her reply was somewhat shocking as she looked at me and said “tell you what, you empty the dishwasher and I will think about it.”


Almost Back To Normal

November 18, 2010 -

John Heald

It’s hard to remember anything about my last cruise on the Carnival Splendor outside of  what happened early Monday morning. I remember the poor guests whose luggage fell in the water thanks to some not so skillful forklift driving skills of a Long Beach stevedore. But apart from that most of Sunday is a bit of a blur. However, I do remember a beautiful 11-year-old girl who was part of my Sunday show and the reason I remember her is because of her name. (more…)

The Pictures Tell The Story

November 17, 2010 -

John Heald

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.