Another John Is Fat and Ugly Blog

February 1, 2011 -

John Heald

We start today with a comment posted here on the blog thingy.

William Schenker Asked:

I have been looking at various photos of you on your blog here and on the Carnival Facebook page and have come to the conclusion that you need serious help with your dress sense. I am talking seriously here because having recently sailed on Norwegian and Celebrity, the entertainment directors were smart, good looking and looked fit and healthy. I suggest you have a good look at yourself in the mirror and buy some new clothes and losing 100 pounds might help as well. Your online programs are obviously well read and so as a representative of your company I would think they would like to look professional. I have a way I can help you through something that I have used to help many others. This online weight loss program was designed by the world-class fitness trainer from the popular TV shows Losing It with Jillian and The Biggest Loser. E-mail me and I will tell you how I can get the weight off you.

You don’t look good John, I can help you lose the weight and then you can look as good as your counterparts on other cruise companies.

William Schenker

John Says:
Hello William

Well I am not sure how to reply to this. I was at first offended and thought about saying May the curse of a thousand bed bugs infest your underpants………but that would not be professional would it?

I understand that I don’t look like the typical cruise director. I have met others from Cunard, Princess, Royal Caribbean and Holland America and you are correct, they all look like they have fallen off the front cover of GQ Magazine. Me, on the other hand……well I look like I have fallen of the front cover of I Love Pork Weekly. Costa Cruises’ cruise directors are all Italian and the men are ridiculously good looking. They have their hair styled and their nails done before they will even step foot on stage.

It is funny you should mention my clothes because someone on Facebook said they didn’t like the pinstripe suit I was wearing during last week’s visit to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital.

Listen, I know I have to lose weight and thank you for your offer to help. I am really trying and rather than resort to your wonder product I will try the old fashioned way and eat more green stuff.

As for the clothes……..well I have never been too bothered about how I dress and what people think of my lack of fashion sense. You see, as far as I’m concerned clothes only have two functions:

  1. To keep me warm, and
  2. to stop people seeing my genitals.

No, really. If my meat and two veg are warm and cozy and hidden from view, I consider myself to be well dressed. If, on the other hand, they’re out in the cold and all shriveled up, I consider myself to be badly dressed. It’s that simple. Besides, I genuinely worry about men who preen themselves for hours before going out. Indeed, we have a name for people like this. These days they are called metrosexual……….or French.

There are riots in Egypt. I have to answer 300 more questions on the blog before I am up to date. Terrorists are plotting to blow us all to kingdom come. I miss Heidi and Kye terribly. So respectfully William……..I don’t have the time to stand in front of a mirror thinking….. “I wonder if this shirt is a bit last year.”

Thanks though for your concern

Best wishes

Yesterday I was told I had a “large white arse” and today my inbox has William’s post in it. Oh joy. Just once I would like to open my comments and see one from a Latvian lap dancer who having seen my blog and Facebook photos wants to immediate rumpy pumpy with me on the hood of an Aston Martin DBS before walking out center court at a Miami Heat game and telling the huge crowd that “Zat John is ze best lover I have ever hadov, his thingy Lebron James’s thingy look like ze baby carrot.”

Time for today’s other questions to be answered…………….away we go.

Meghan Asked:
John please reply…

I’m sad that I won’t be sailing with you on the Freedom (though I knew I wouldn’t since I’m on the one the same time as the bloggers cruise) I was excited to see who I would be sailing with, but it looks as of now it is just ACD…will we get to find out who it is? Not really a huge thing to me, as I have enjoyed the 3 different cruise directors I have had in the past, and I’m sure I will enjoy this one as well….just hoping to know in advance…thanks! Hope you Heidi and Kye have a wonderful holiday

John Says:
Hello Meghan

I am sad also that I won’t be with you but you will love the staff here and the chap who is taking over as CD. His name is Dan, he is from Australia and he has been chosen to take over the ship until Ryan gets back. I am getting to know Dan at the moment and I can see that he is going to do a very good job indeed. I really wish you a wonderful cruise and hope to sail with you one day soon.

Best wishes

Elizabeth Asked:
John, Please Reply

Please think about doing a Bloggers Cruise from Galveston.
I can’t do the upcoming one and would so like to go!

John Says:
Hello Elizabeth

As you may know, I loved cruising out of Galveston when I was CD of the Carnival Conquest and so it would make sense to have BC5 from there. Let’s see what happens. Best wishes and I hope to see you soon


Thomas Rossini Asked:
Hi John … Please Reply…

I am travelling on Feb the 19th on the Carnival Dream. There are 15 of us going and I was wondering if you might be able to speak to the Maitre D’ and see if we could be placed in the Crimson Restaurant next to each other at a window. We are travelling with children between the ages of 12-3 who love to look out the windows. All of our reservations should be linked and my booking number is ______. Also if it’s not too much to ask… I know the children might think their special if we could do something for them… I am planning on decorating their rooms through bon voyage thanks again for your time support and commitment.

John Says:
Hello Thomas Rossini

It’s great to hear that you and 14 others will be enjoying the delights of your Carnival Dream. I will certainly ask the maitre d for their assistance. I wish you all a brilliant cruise

Best wishes

Amy Asked:

Once upon a time ago, we sent cash to Carnival to be put on our sign & sail account (including $750 for down payment on another cruise) so that we would not have a shocking bill at the end of our vacation.

Problem 1, we had to use our credit card for the future cruise, so our plan of using the sign & sail card (this is attached to a credit card) did not work for that portion of our cruise. Problem 2, on the last day of our cruise, Mayumi (the best stateroom attendant ever) gave us a check for $748 (we went over budget by $2). Which we took to our bank on Monday, to cover the charge to the credit card for our future cruise. Later that day, Carnival called & informed us that an error was made & that they stopped payment on the check that they issued & that we would be getting a check for $549 instead.

Problem 3, is the big problem, Carnival is now not communicating with us. There was no “sorry, that our mistake will obviously mess up your banking.” 3 days later we are still waiting for any response (not to mention the replacement check) regarding the error made by Carnival’s Purser.

We were on the November 28th sailing on the Carnival Pride in room 6202. (Booking number: ______)

Any assistance that you can provide in getting Carnival’s customer service representative to contact us is appreciated.

John Says:
Hello Amy

I apologise for the delay in me replying to this and hopefully someone from Carnival will have contacted you by now. In case this has not happened I will certainly now pass this onto someone who can help discuss this with you. I hope you had a great cruise and please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Best wishes

Lori Asked:
John – Please reply if you have time.

We are cruising on the Carnival Spirit in February. Can you tell me a little bit about our CD, Stuart Dunn? 63 days and counting!


John Says:
Hello Lori

Stuart is a fantastic guy and probably the CD with the most energy I have ever seen. He used to be a gold miner in his home country of Australia and then joined the ships as a fitness instructor ………just like me. You will really enjoy his fun and the energy I mentioned is contagious. You are in for loads of fun.

Here is a photo of Stu Down Under

Have a brilliant cruise

Best wishes

L.D.R. Asked:
Reply urgent

Read this!

Why is Carnival doing this? I am sure that you have read this link and seen the displeasure of the CC folks and that alone should make you shiver with worry. Paying for steak, lobster, no turn over by the cabin cleaners and cutting the crew so service levels drop what’s next.

John Says:
Hello L.D.R

I didn’t open the link because the text of your post already tells me that none of these rumors are correct.

Best wishes

Bob Colonna Asked:

Please reply John.

Happy to learn of the “new in-house music” systems on all the Carnival Ships. My wife & I plus friends will be sailing on the Carnival Pride out of Baltimore on 5/1/2011. I’ll provide you a status.

Now, as for my music choice it’s SINATRA and (really) only SINATRA, plus ALL his friends:

Dino, Sammy, Tony, Ella, Rosemary, etc, etc, etc.

We’ve sailed with you on Sensation (our first cruise in 1997) then Destiny and Triumph. The upcoming Pride cruise will be our 12th on Carnival. And still you are the “best of the best” CD’S out there. We’ve sailed on HAL, RCCL & NCL and all in all we’ve cruised on about 20 cruises and haven’t had a better CD than you.

All the best to you and yours,
Bob Colonna

John Says:
Hello Bob Colonna

Thanks for that very kind post. The new music system is doing very well and I have heard it firsthand here. This morning while at breakfast there was Michael Buble, Queen and Lady Ga Ga who was telling me to poke someone in the face. I will be interested to hear your thoughts about the selection of music we have. Hope to sail with you again soon and thanks so much for your loyalty.

Best wishes

Henry Victor Asked:
John Please reply

In March my wife and I are taking our 16 year old daughter and her 21 year old friend on the Liberty. What can I do, or whom can I contact so the girls can go to the O2 club together? They were allowed to do so on Royal so I need you to arrange this because if it doesn’t happen we will never cruise carnival again. This is not a threat it is a promise !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John Says:
Hello Henry Victor

I am sorry to bring bad news but we have very strict rules about this that I do not have the ability to break. Our Club O2 age is 15 – 17 and we simply cannot allow her 21 year old friend to be in there with her. I am sure they will have loads of fun and I am also sure that while they are doing so you and your wife will have a brilliant time as well. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes to all

Michael Davis Asked:
John, the favor of a reply, please?

We’d LOVE to see you on the Fantasy in May or whenever; she’s right in our backyard (Charleston) full time now. Having read the blog thingy religiously for a while and after seeing amazing video snippets of you, we think having the opportunity to sail with you would be, as you say, “brilliant.”

But the CD sked posted has you listed a lot of other places, especially the Magic in May, and Risa Barnes as CD aboard Fantasy. Which is correct?

John Says:
Hello Michael Davis

You will love the Carnival Fantasy and sailing out of Charleston. I know I did when I was there last year. I am sorry for the typo I made on the schedule and it will indeed be Risa who will be your CD and not me as I will be on your Carnival Magic. Have a brilliant time and please let me know if I can help you with anything.

Best wishes

Grace Underwood Asked:
John – please reply

Why doesn’t Carnival have its own private island? I know that Carnival owns Princess and Holland America and that some Carnival ships sometimes dock at Half Moon Cay (which I have read fantastic things about and hope to sail there soon), but why doesn’t Carnival have its own island. Many cruise lines (whether owned by Carnival or not) have their own island, and they always are among the most popular visits the ships make. It always makes for a very nice quiet, relaxing day… a perfect vacation day with a nice private beach, music and entertainment, and good food. Princess Cay is amazing and I wish Carnival had one of their own. Are there any plans for Carnival to get a private island?

John Says:
Hello Grace Underwood

You must visit Half Moon Cay….…it is quite simply……paradise. Holland America under the watchful eye of Vice President of Caribbean Relations Matt Sams have really made this island stand out from many of the others. When I visited on the Carnival Imagination I was stunned by just how gorgeous a place it was and we’re grateful to be able to call there on many of our ships.

I have never been to Princess Cay, I have heard that it is also stunning. Private islands are popular with many guests although I must admit some guests prefer larger ports that offer a larger variety of things to do such as shopping districts and sightseeing opportunities. However …….I love Half Moon Cay and I am sure Princess Cay is just as beautiful. There are no plans at the moment for Carnival Cruise Lines to add another private island though. Please note that you can now reserve cabanas at Half Moon Cay online.

Best wishes

That’s all for today and I will be back with more tomorrow. By the way, the total views on the blog so far are 8,918,981.

OK, just a quick note about The Chef’s Table. It turns out I may confused some of you regarding the gratuity. The $75 does in fact include a gratuity all be it a minimal one. Think of this as the same as the steakhouse, however it is always nice to give a few dollars if the service has been excellent. It will be shared between everyone who is involved with this great event. It’s not obligatory but if you wish to give something extra……… is truly appreciated.

It’s a beautiful day here in St. Thomas but because I could be a possible terrorist with some semtex in my underpants, U.S. Customs and Border Protection will not allow me ashore. We are sharing the port with the Carnival Dream, Norwegian Pearl, and one of the Monsters of the Seas. How many passengers is that…..ummm……ummmm…I make it….. ummmm……. thousands.

There is no doubt that St. Thomas has the infrastructure to handle so many cruise ship visitors and I guess it is testament to the popularity of cruising that each ship is here today sending their guests ashore to spend thousands in the jewelry shops and to enjoy places like Megan’s Bay, Paradise Point and the site of the BC4 shore excursion, Bluebeards Castle. I just can’t get away from the beards.

From what I have seen the guests here on the Carnival Freedom are having a great time. I did speak to one blogger last night who made a comment saying that the Punchliner comedy club was too small and there were no seats. Well, we do perform these shows in the International Lounge which seats 350 and we have 5 shows a night……that’s three PG 13 shows and two adult shows. This means there is plenty of opportunity for guests to see the comedians who perform there. The other point here is that if you place the comedy club in the main theatre you lose that comedy club feeling which I believe is really important to the success.

Last night I saw two comedians I have not seen before. One was very, very funny and one was as funny as waking up and finding a gangrenous boil on your arse. This apparently was not just my opinion but the opinion of the guests who showed how they felt my buggering off. Ryan the CD here and I agree that he should not be invited back. He won’t be.

With the Punchliner now a massive hit across the fleet it has become more of a challenge for the folks in Miami to book the comedians. We know that people like Happy Cole, Lewis Nixon, Percy Crews, Al Ernst, Mike Macy, Jim Brick, Kim Harrison and many other Carnival favourites are going to always fill the room with laughter. But we need new blood and most of the new comedians are extremely funny. But occasionally one of the booking agents will send us someone who may not reach that standard. Have you seen a comedian on a Carnival cruise that you thought was just the funniest you have seen? Please let me know who your favourite comedian is.

By the way, just a quick note. The comedians on the Bloggers Cruise 4 will include Al Ernst and Lewis Nixon……………..brilliant.

Let’s take a break and meet the Carnival Freedom cruise director. Here is Ryan Fitzgerald:

1. Please tell us about yourself and your journey to the Cruise Director chair. I’ve been a musician my entire life. My Dad, a retired Army Colonel and avid guitar player, got me started on the saxophone at the age of 10. I played all through school and into college. I started working at amusement parks over the summer months after my freshmen year at Ball State University (alma mater of David Letterman!). First stop was King’s Island in Cincinnati, Ohio as a member of the often laughed at, and not in a good way, “Way Too Much TV Band.” We played silly theme songs on black asphalt in 100-degree weather while people waited in line to get on really cool roller coasters that we just looked at…worst job ever. After that it was Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, which is where I got the job for Carnival.

I started with Carnival as a member of the orchestra on the Jubilee in September 2002. Matt Ross was the cruise director and I can remember vividly the first Welcome Aboard Show I ever saw. He did the classic ‘hat game’ to get the show started and I knew from that very moment that the job of cruise director was one I would have. After almost 2 years in the band I switched over to the entertainment staff and worked my way up from there.

2. What ship are you going to after vacation I will return to the Carnival Freedom

3. Before we talk about you let’s talk about the ship. What are you favorite areas of the vessel and what is it that makes your ship the best in the Carnival fleet. Personally, I like to be where all the action is. I like to see people walking by and maybe hanging for a drink or two so the Casino Bar is one of my favorite spots to be. I know it’s a little dorky of me too but I love the ceiling at that bar. I still have no idea how the heck it works! My other favorite is the Robusto Bar, Deck 4 Aft. The main reason for this one is the music. You can’t go wrong with the band we have in there. Music Motion play great music from classic rock to 60’s and country. It never takes too long to get a drink and the entertainment is great. I feel the Carnival Freedom is the best ship in the fleet because of the incredible selection of ‘stuff.’ The team on board is so motivated to not only keep the guests busy and entertained but also keeping themselves entertained with new stuff for the guests. I’ve never seen a ship with such a variety as well as busy schedule of events of all activity levels day in and day out. I confidently say during each Welcome Aboard Show: Even if you’ve cruised 30 times, I’ll bet you’ll see something by the end of the week that you’ve never seen on another ship anywhere in the world.

4. Can you tell us about your favourite places to go in St Thomas. I love the Skyride to Paradise Point combined with St John Trunk Bay Beach and Snorkel

5. If someone were to ask you “what does a Carnival cruise director do” how would you reply? I’ll start with the fact that a cruise director is in charge of all the entertainers on board. We’re a big part of the decision process as to the schedule of both major and minor events throughout the voyage. We’re also a senior officer with major safety responsibilities and a department head with major management responsibilities. We wake up early, we go to bed late, drink lots of coffee and always smile! We’re Jack Bauer when things go wrong (that’s the guy from 24 that saves the world in a day) and the president when things go right (he’s the guy who always acts like it was not big deal that Jack Bauer had to save the world in a day!). And, on top of all that, we are entertainers that make people laugh, keep the energy high, and make sure guests enjoy themselves every single day.

6. What is your most favorite part of the job. I love so many parts of the job so I’ll get specific with events that I get most excited for: The Live Morning Show, The Game of Love, our new Murder Mystery event and playing with the Orchestra whenever possible.

7. If we were to sail on a ship where you are the CD what would be the must not miss activity or show that you host. That one’s easy, all the ones I mentioned above!

8. What is the hardest and or most challenging part of the job of Carnival CD? I think a lot of us would probably answer similarly here. The hardest part is challenge created by being both manager and an entertainer. We have energy, keep smiling and offer ourselves to guests almost all hours of the day for just about any reason. If you read John’s blog you can see, there are some pretty wild concerns that guests have but we it’s only fair that we give these concerns just as much of our attention than any other concern. Any concern is a legitimate one and we have to listen. We also have to manage a department, that means disciplining a person that you expect to then go out and perform with smiles and passing this on to the guests. It can be tough but for a professional entertainer, it’s something we have to deal no matter part of the puzzle we fit into.

9. If you could sail on any other cruise ship (not Carnival) what ship would you like to sail on as a guest and why. I’m on the big ships enough. I think I’d have to pick a small, luxury line. Maybe Seabourn.

10. Finally – please fill in the blanks

YOUR FAVOURITE ACTRESS – Julia Roberts (Being metrosexual I’m a sucker for chick flicks!)

WHATS ON YOUR EYE POD – John, you’re officially and old man. It’s an iPod. Boy Bands, The Fray, U2, Coldplay, Gavin Degraw, Jason Mraz, Death Cab for Cutie, Michael Buble



WHAT PRODUCTS DO YOU PUT ON EACH DAY? I use Elemis face skin care anti-aging treatments that feels clean, refreshed and relaxed all throughout my busy day as a cruise director. I highly recommend Elemis Eye Cream for men. It reduces the appearance of dark under-eye circles, fine lines and puffiness that can give you a tired, burned-out appearance on like John, George, Steve and some of the other CD’s have. I should also say that here on the Carnival Freedom we have the best nail technician in the fleet. His name is Jamie and he does me every Thursday.

Thanks Ryan……congratulations on all your success and it is a pleasure to watch you work ………. nails my arse.

There is a very interesting point in his interview and that’s about the Robusto Bar. You see, since the start of the Punchliner Comedy Club we have struggled to find a place for the four piece bands to play. Not only has the Punchliner taken much of the aft lounge time on Destiny, Conquest, Splendor and Dream class vessels, but we also now have Superstar Live there as well.

So many of you will have seen that we have put these bands on Promenade Deck by the casino. This is not the best place in any way because not only is most of the traffic just passing by, but there are cabins directly beneath and this can cause some complaints from guests who can hear their music while resting.

So Ryan has placed the excellent band in the Robusto Bar called Music Motion. Now this means that a) with no cabins above or below there are no noise complaints and b) there is a purpose built dance floor as well. Now obviously there is the smoking issue but certainly from what I have seen here the lounge has been packed each night. More so than when we have had the jazz trios and classical trios and Latin bands there. It works, it’s great for the guests, great for the bar and I am wondering if this is not something we should look at doing on all the ships. Your thoughts?

Being a non-CD this week has its benefits. Yes I am bored and can’t wait to grab the microphone once again. But being mostly unknown I can sit, listen and watch to what people are saying and doing. Take this morning. I am sitting here at one of the breakfast tables on Lido Deck in the shade, blogging to all of you. The sun is shining and I am surprised that at 10:30am just how many people are still on the ship and not ashore. You would think that maybe it would be mostly the older guests who are still here but it’s not……there are young people as well…and they include a group of 5 ladies who have obviously enjoyed the help of some cosmetic surgery because between them the massive heat of the St. Thomas sunshine is completely being overshadowed by their ummmmmm…… breasts.

Sitting on Lido Deck you will see a whole variety of sizes — melons, bee stings, fried eggs, and spaniel’s ears. But the group I am looking at now…… purely for blog research purposes of course ………have breasts 10 years younger than their owners. And all of them were utterly fantastic. One of this group has well…….I don’t think I can describe them ……. ummm…….imagine Pamela Andersen sitting on an air hose. Honestly, between them this group has more sand in their bikinis…….than can be found on Megans Bay beach.

Finally I want to say a special hello to Richard and Sarah-Jane who are sailing here on the Carnival Freedom. They were also with me during the Carnival Splendor fire and we spent some time today reminiscing about what happened. Listening to their story of living in a dark inside cabin and their struggle as 70 year old guests to climb the stairs from their deck 2 cabin to the lido for food brought it all home to me. But it was the fact that they had nothing…….I mean absolutely nothing but amazing words of praise to say about the crew and the way Carnival looked after them once the ship returned to San Diego. They wanted me to mention their stateroom steward I Wan who each morning checked on them and brought sandwiches to their cabin so they didn’t have to climb the stairs. This along with the aftercare Carnival’s shore side team gave them was something very special indeed.

I sent them some chocolate covered strawberries and I saw them last night they thanked me ……. and laughed out loud because not only did I send those…..I also sent them a tray of sandwiches.


Your friend

Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

112 Responses to Another John Is Fat and Ugly Blog

  1. Host Mach from Cruise Critic says:

    John, I started reading the blog today and could go no further than William Schenker’s comment. It’s so terribly sad that in our world today people are more concerned about outward appearance the the person inside. I have known you for a number of years in I have never met a more genuine, generous person in my life. I could care less if you wear a stripped suit, an Italian silk suit or prance about with a pair of my boxers on your head. You are you and that’s exactly why people love you. Don’t let the cretins get you down, my friend…

    Love to the girls.


    Host Mach

    • Jodi says:

      Hear, hear! Very well said! I’m very happy to know that one who knows you personnally feels as a dear reader does. You are definately one of the ‘good folk’ so to speak.

  2. Host Mach from Cruise Critic says:

    Well, now I just read the rest of the blog and saw that Al and Lewis will be onboard for BC4. Please tell them both I said hi. They’re fantastic fun!!!


  3. Kate Charlesworth-Miller says:

    Thanks for the confirmation about the Chef’s Table gratuity, John – my family is booked for this on our December cruise on the Conquest, to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary, and I’m sure it will be a fantastic dinner, a stellar celebratin, and will certainly worthy of a generous additional expression of our gratitude (of a folding variety!) to the serving staff!



  4. kiciaski says:

    Hi John,

    I’m confused about the location in St. Thomas for the Bloggers’ excursion. Here you mentioned “the site of the BC4 shore excursion, Bluebeards Castle” and on Facebook you said it’s Blackbeard’s Castle. They are both on St. Thomas and there are tours to both of them. Bluebeard’s Castle is the one you can see from the ship when you look across the bay and up the hill to the white buildings with red roofs. Blackbeard’s Castle is more inland. I’m sure we’re going whichever one it is but I’m just trying to determine which it is.

    Are Heidi and Kye coming on BC4?


    Linda & George

  5. Robert Petrillo says:

    Hi John
    I find it utterly amazing that quite a number of people demand special requests from you without having any manners. I find it even more amazing the people that say “I want…… or I will never cruise Carnival again”.

    You are so courteous and have such restraint – I would be fired for saying “dont let the gang plank hit you on the ass on the way off the ship”/

    After all the thousands and thousands of cruisers that you have met, I know that you realize not all Americans are rude and obnoxious.

    I look forward to my Carnival Pride cruise to the Bahamas on Feb 20 where I will no doubt meet and interact with the wonderful members of her crew. (I also find it amazing how some passengers treat the crew with such little respect).

    ROB in New York City

  6. Heidi the Red says:

    My father is large with absolutely no fashion sense. Thankfully he dresses to cover his jiggly bits, as well. I wouldn’t want him, or you, any other way.

  7. Genevieve says:

    Before I even finish reading the Blog thingy, I MUST reply. That William is a pure ASSHAT! He fits his last name but it should be spelled SHANKER! I’m not normally a mean person infact, I’m very well liked. However, I too am a bit on the “fluffy” side. I dress to hide my weight but love the way I look as well. I can’t believe there are such people as William who are completely senseless. John, I think you look fabulous because of that smile that is on your face in nearly every single picture of you that I’ve seen. Please disregard that jackass. Know that you are well loved across this world by your fans and especially by Heidi and Kye and that, my new friend, is all that matters.

    Now, on to reading the rest of the blog thingy!


  8. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    How sad that the “William Schenker”s of the world fail to realize that beauty is only skin deep….his ugliness is to the bone. There isn’t a diet or closet full of Armani large enough to hide his hideous lack of common decency.

    John…you can always lose weight and buy more clothes, but sadly William Schenker is stuck with that pathetic lack of character forever.

    So ignore troglodykes like that and celebrate the fact that you are loved by 1,000’s just the way you are.

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  9. karen (krhpee) says:

    Got to port. We have VIP boarding so we were in our room in 20 minutes. Ft. L port did a good job for us.

    Carnival Freedom is a clean boat. Guess you can tell, clean is important to me. I hate to see old dust around. We went to lido and got a bite, then went to our room. 9229. Nice location. First time on lido. Think I will stay there more often. Very convenient to the pool, Serenity, shows, and exactually everything.

    Staff onboard– whst can I say– other than I have never met a more friendly helpful crew on any other cruise. From the top to the bottom, everyone was friendly and so nice. There was one housekeeper on Promenade that must of had a bad day everyday but she didnt really get in my way so no problem. She was only one on ship that I saw that seemed not friendly and not happy. oh well.

    The Captain was very approachable and friendly. He was out and about ship quite a few times. We had many nice conversations with him. And with his help, I found the Lucky coin. Thanks Captain.
    Cruise Director Ryan was OMG so so Great. He and his staff made our cruise the best ever. I had never thought of cruising a ship because of staff, but now I see how it can make a difference. Ryan, Dan, Third, Tyson, Chelsea and of course my personal favorite, Calvyn— Thank you all so very much for a great job done. All the trivia, bingo and games were so entertaining.

    Goran the Maitre D– again– thanks for a wonderful dining experience. You have the best staff ever. Suelel (spelling bad I know), Kenneth and I Gusti– you three were wonderful. Thanks for the special shrimp that one night. I don’t know how you did it but I thank you. Santa is still talking about it. Attention to detail was beyond my imagination. Natasa==thanks for being the best bar staff I have never used. We don’t use the bar staff in the dining area, but she was there if we needed her. She always found us when we were out and about. Always making sure we were enjoying ourselves. And of course, then there is Chef Sanjay Chowdury. We did the Chef’s table and were blown away. What a terrific experience. Carnival– you are to be commended on your chef and his staff. Thanks for the great food and service.

    Room stewards– Anajana, Siriluck, and Jiraya– You made our room so very delightful every time we came into it that it totally amazed me. I miss you cause now I am making the bed and can’t seem to get those towels looking like yours. You make a great team. Anajana, who is the sweetest person ever, you took such good care of us I don’t know how to thank you. I hope to see you some time soon,

    Music, Photo, Customer service, Fun Points– All of these departments were also the best I have experienced. I never had band members or dancers come to us and make sure we were having a good time but on the Carnival Freedom they did.The shows were very well done. You guys are so very talented. Kudos to all your hard work. We enjoy the fruits of all your efforts. Photo–especially Ralph– we got the good pics we wanted– so a big thanks to you. Customer service– quite the team you guys. Never have I had so much fun with customer service. Great attitudes. Fun points girls– we passed you guys on promenade and you always spoke to us and even in Key west. Thanks for being so nice, Keep up the good work.
    We did not use the spa but used the elevator on 11 to 12. Even the Spa people made sure we were having a good time. Serenity deck is awesome. I truly enjoyed that deck a lot this cruise. Just getting out and enjoying the sun and breeze was nice. Sea days were a little hassled to get a seat but then, I enjoy those days when everyone goes ashore. Got the place to myself with few other peeps. On the day of our b2b switch, it was the best. I got any seat I wanted.

    We didn’t use any of the places for the young ones so I can’t comment on those. I would have like to use the piano bar but it was too smokey for us which is the same on most ships.

    One of the only area we felt lacking were the comedy shows. Sorry guys, you just were not funny. PG or R rating really did not make a difference. Carl Strong was okay but the others– i really hate to say it but you just didn’t entertain. It was actually embarrassing to be there and watch you struggle so much. Hope you find your place but not on a Carnival ship.

    I will have to give this ship a 100 plus. Great jobs all.

  10. Judy S. says:

    JOHN!!! Tell the next person who mocks your outfits-complaining you don’t look like “other” CD’s on Other ships-that you look like your passengers! At home,comfy, pleasing! ANYONE can throw good clothes on-paint up their faces(or shave) and put on a false smile-you are what you are and no fake! KIDDOS to you!!!!

    You could answer more questions if you’d leave out the Interviews of crew! I never read them-many others probably don’t either-waste. ANswer more questions would be nicer!

    • The Cruzin2some says:

      Sorry but I disagree I like meeting the entertainers and crew so that when I board a ship it feels even more like I already know them.
      The Cruzin2some

    • Pacific says:

      I also disagree. Leave them in please John! It gives us some insight on the people we will be sailing with and makes it more personable for us. It also makes them seem more approachable as they are human too and have lots of the same likes that we do. I also take into account their recommendations for shows and excursions.

      Best wishes & Calm seas to you!

  11. Kathy B says:

    John – Some random thoughts on today’s blog:

    * Don’t let the “you need to lose weight” folks get you down. I’m married to a guy I could charitably describe as “fluffy.” He knows it. It runs in his family. He sees his doctor regularly and tries to watch what he eats. Takes walks at lunchtime when he can. And as much as he wouldn’t mind dropping some pounds, he’s not so worked up about it as to start some crazy Jillian Michaels routine that his doctor probably wouldn’t recommend. My own suggestion would be to tell these nosy folks “Thank you, I am under the care of a physician and following his/her recommendations.” And leave it at that.

    * @Henry Victor: A 21 year-old woman in Club O2? Really?? If I was the parent of a 15 YO in Club O2 (and I have a son who will be 15 next time he’s in Club O2) I wouldn’t be too thrilled about letting her in.

    * Bands in the cigar bar: On our earlier cruises, husband and I loved the jazz trios in the cigar bars – but the lounge certainly wasn’t very crowded. Just a handful of those of us who enjoy jazz and cigars (well, my husband for the latter). On our February 2009 cruise on Carnival Glory, there was no jazz trio in the cigar lounge – but there was a wonderful classic rock group called Souldrive. There was also no cigar smoking in the cigar bar, which didn’t thrill my husband – but we kept going back for the music. And there was a far larger audience for Souldrive than we ever saw for the jazz trios, as much as we enjoyed them. Good for the audience and good for the bar receipts!

  12. William Jordan says:

    The good news in the photo header of your blog thingy you look remarkably debonair……

  13. nanetteali says:

    John !!!!!!!I You are not the typical cruise director. There is only one you and you are THE cruise director . The one and only and the best one. I’m not saying this because as someone said in one commento to kiss your… or because im a loyal fan, no no I’m saying this because I have been on 30 cruises at different cruises lines and i have never seen someone better than you.

  14. Elliesue says:

    Perhaps your comment should have been “udderly” fantastic!

  15. Kenneth Fargnoli says:

    “You see, I spend my time here on the blog talking about smuggling and tenders and sneezing and flying and tables for 2 and my arse and……well…….sometimes I forget to write about the basic, simple fact that a Carnival cruise a brilliant vacation, affordable, incomparable value for money and loads of bloody marvelous fun……. the smiles and the laughter that I have seen here on the Carnival Freedom is absolute testament to that.”

    Amen – Amen – Amen – Carnival is the best and I tell all my friends. Keep up the great work.

  16. NIKI says:

    hi john what latin band is on the freedom

  17. Nettie says:

    Hi John Heald!

    New to your blog, new to Carnival, took first cruise (on Dream) Christmas/new years 2010.
    Love Carnival your blog, and your pinstripe suit. And a real man for CD, not an overly coiffed one is a plus too. Don’t worry about the naysayer, he’s just jealous! Listen to the women. Smooches, Netti

  18. Ali says:

    wow.. that guys is an a-hole and shouldn’t be reading this blog if he doesn’t like john so come on keep your rude opinions to yourself!

  19. John. was that a tray of sandwiches made with SPAM by any chance ?????? LOL

  20. Donna Honore says:

    Hi John! – we are sailing on the freedom on sunday 2/6 and we are excited to find out that you will be our cruise director!. We were lucky enough to be on the Liberty in 2006 in the Meditteranean and you made our cruise absolutely perfect! Do you know who is the “piano man” next week?
    Is there anyway we can be sure we are at a table and not a booth for dinner? Booths are too uncomfortable plus we like to meet new people and share stories! Only a few days to go – can’t wait!
    See you soon!

  21. Leah Robinson says:

    John-That weight loss program idiot is nothing more than a salesman trying to sell a product. He was obnoxious and rude. To be very frank, I LOVE the fact that you don’t look like some GQ cover boy. It makes those of us who could also stand to use a few (or in my case, many) pounds feel like it’s o.k. for us to be onboard as well. If Carnival had a problem with your looks or anything else, I am sure they would make an issue of it. Instead, you are the Senior Cruise Director and the brand ambassador. After many failed years of trying to lose weight for the wrong reasons (looks and vanity), I finally figured out that the ONLY good reason to lose weight was for my health, and while I still have a long way to go, I am making process and feeling great. On a side note, I am writing this from Kansas in the midst of a blizzard. I wish my exceptionally wide, pasty white arse was plopped on a chair on the deck of ANY Carnival ship right now!

  22. Pat farrell says:

    John, I can’t believe that someone (the first email) could possibly be so rude. I apologize on behalf of the humans out here…

  23. Ashley says:

    Lewis Nixon is my favorite comedian I’ve seen. We’ve seen him on both our cruises so far and he’s hilarious. Wish he would change up his act though. He seems to tell the same jokes.

  24. Brenda Crabtree says:

    Life is important – not what you look like or wear. I would rather sail with you than any of the other CDs on the other cruise lines we have sailed. I would rather see someone be theirself than be enhanced to the point of being ridiculed. I often worry that exterior takes precedence over what is in a person’s soul in today’s world. Personally, I have earned every wrinkle and pound. Just because I don’t do plastic surgery or boot camp or, heaven forbid, try out for a “reality” show, doesn’t mean that I am not happy or that I am not worth knowing.

  25. The Cruzin2some says:

    Dear John,
    THE NERVE of some people. Just because you paid to sail on a ship or in this case clicked a couple of buttons to get to the blog does not give them the rite to be rude ASSHOLES. Get a clue people!

    Four more days until I sail onboard the CCL Fascination and of coarce Mother Freakin Nature has to kick up her heels and have the biggest storm in recorded history make our travel a nightmare. Our boys are flying from Minneapolis to Cleveland then on to Jacksonville. We hope and pray they make it.

    The Cruzin2some

  26. Fred says:

    John, don’t you think twice about what William Schenker wrote. If you are happy then pay no mind. You should lose weight if you want to and if you feel it is needed for your health otherwise be happy with who you are and forget about him. His post sounded like a commercial anyway. You are truly a wonderful person who cares about people, has a great sense of humor and is one class act. I don’t think paying more attention to the prints on your shirt or if your nails are trimmed properly or if your hair is perfect is going to make you a better person. Stay who you are and be the person who you are unless you feel the need otherwise.

    And to William Schenker, mind your own darn business and who do you think you are to make comments like that to someone you don’t even know, what gives you the right? Maybe you should take a loon int he mirror yourself, I would much rather prefer someone who is not the best fashionista over someone like you who has the arrogance to make a comment like those you sent John. Uncalled for and utterly rude. So just go bugger off.

  27. Linda Herrnacki says:

    WILLIAM: Bugger off man, and get a life, and this blog is not made for advertising purposes, so stop pushing your “Lose weight plan.” If anything needs to be smaller it is your mouth, to match your arrogance. I think your new name should be STUPIDITY, plain and simple.

  28. Brittainy says:

    We loved Percy Crews on the Valor a couple weeks ago!

  29. Longin2cruise says:


    You look just fine the way you are. Who the heck cares what the other CDs look like. Obviously along with your thousands of fans, Carnival also thinks you look just fine & Carnival is the one who signs your paycheck. Your new “friend” is just another snake oil salesman.

    • ann mccleskey says:

      couldn’t agree more. you are you and that is who we all love. as long as heidi and kye are content you dont need to worry about anyone else. looking forward to oct and the magic.
      ann from texas

  30. Doug Hilton says:

    John, from one fat white arse to another, next time some Willy Spanker or anyone else talks to you like that, I give you permission to click the delete button or hang up immediately. There is no reason that people should talk to anyone like that – what gives them the right?
    Anyways, my standard answer to that kind of idiot is “I can lose weight and buy better clothes, but you sir will ALWAYS BE UGLY!”


    BTW – Can you get me a job on board?

  31. Nick and Mary Lou Peralta says:

    john one of the funniest comedians was Mrs. Hughes, wish Carnival would invite her back. just loved her.

  32. JC says:

    In my opinion Mr. William Schenker is rude. John, I love you just the way you are and it is none of Mr. Schenker’s business anything about you. You are great, John.

  33. Ronda Hensley says:

    John, Thank you for another entertaining blog! I hope you don’t take the weight/clothing comments seriously. We would all love to help you in your quest to become healthier, but you are who you are and we love you for it. You are down to earth and caring in surprising ways.Those of us who follow you regularly don’t care what you’re wearing (as long as Ketut keeps your underpants clean so your jiggly bits stay covered!).
    I would like to put in a bid for the next Blogger cruse to be on the west coast. It would make many (well, me anyway) very happy, and I think it would be a great opportunity for a potential reunion of all those who experienced your adventure on the Splendor. We could even have some special ‘reminiscent’ menu items- green bean sandwiches…I bet you could come up with some great suggestions. The chefs on Carnival are wonderful, I know they wouldn’t disappoint us! Please promise to at least consider it? Thanks!
    One of my favourite (spelt correctly) comedians is Merle Hobbs, who I got to enjoy on a recent cruise aboard the Carnival Paradise : D
    I look forward to meeting you this summer on MY Carnival Magic ; )
    Peace, Ronda

  34. Sharon says:

    We had the pleasure of seeing Thomas Brown on the Legend last year and he is FANTASTIC! The other guys were o.k. but Thomas was really good and should be put on a long term contract!

  35. Michael says:


    THANK YOU for not appeasing the moron that had the lack of tact to mention your ( or anyones ) weight/appearance. My thought has always been, and always will be… If you don’t like what you see… DON’T LOOK AT ME!! Problem solved.

    I have not written to you before, but that jerk got my blood boiling. Anyway, I sailed with you on the Triumph on 07/29/2000, and although I have been on many sailing since, none have been with you. I cannot wait to get on a ship that you are the CD on. I may just have to go on one of the blogger thingy cruises.

    Best Wishes,

  36. Rick says:

    Hi John,

    You don’t have to reply; we know you have plenty going on. We’ve never met you but we sailed on 2 very memorable cruises with you–the Victory in 2002 when the crew rescued 21 Dominicans in a rickety boat, and the Glory in 2004…Mary. That one probably still hurts, doesn’t it?

    Although our next Carnival cruise will be our 10th we’re not insiders that blog constantly and keep up with every single thing that goes on in Miami. We just love the ocean, love the ships, and love to have a great time! We do, however, read your blog on an almost daily basis. And I am struck by this observation: There sure are a lot of ill-tempered vacationers out there. Well, this post may be a waste of your time because I have nothing to complain about. My compliments on your ability to shoulder it all in addition to the full-time demands of a CD. Thanks for being so entertaining, informative, and a one-man guest services department. We hope to meet you one day.
    And if you know of a way a person could become permanently stranded on Half Moon Cay, I’m In!
    Rick and Tami

  37. Sandy Stalter says:

    John — just wondering if you can help us out. My daughter was the Showband Singer on the Splendor with you in November. We had booked a 7-day January cruise to spend a week with her — but we all know what happened! Anyway, she has been re-assigned to the Carnival Paradise, and we are again planning a visit. Since the Paradise doesn’t have a 7-day cruise, we booked back-to-back 3-day and 4-day cruises. Carnival has very kindly offered us a 25% discount in compensation for our cancelled cruise; but we have been told that discount only applies to one cruise, no matter how short it is. The 7-days on the Paradise are costing us quite a bit more than the 7-days on the Splendor. Is there any way we could get that discount applied to the whole 7-day period? We depart on Feb. 18th & 21st. Thanks!

  38. Dan Reemes says:

    You are right, you should not tell William that he should be cursed with a thousand bed bugs in his underpants. That would be so wrong. Instead, you should tell him he should be cursed with 10,000 bed bugs and 2 big black scorpions in his underpants. Or actually, you could tell him to tie some spam to his thingy and go stick it in a rats nest.

  39. Brent Barrilleaux says:

    My wife and I were are on the Destiny last week (Jan. 24) and there was a comedian his name was Hank. I don’t remember the last name but he was very good. I would definitely see him again.

    • Kim Harrison says:

      It is Hank McGauley (sp?) and he is one of the funniest men I know. I have the honour of calling him one of my comedy Daddies. I learned a lot from him and a bunch of the comedians we have on Carnival. the best thing for me about the Punchliner is the opportunity to hang out with some of my comedic heroes for the whole cruise.

  40. Beverly says:

    Oh John, people are so insensitive……when I read the beginning of your blog, I couldn’t believe someone would say those things. “Clothes don’t make the man” , William. You need to look at a person on the inside, not the outside.

    I have been reading this blog for a few years and just recently have read comments on Facebook, and I just love it. I have also had you as a CD twice and you were wonderful! You do so much for people and Carnival, why would this person say those hurtful things?

    Lastly, what a great “gift” to Richard and Sarah-Jane…the 2 that were on the Splendor with you….a tray of sandwiches! Ha-Ha!!!!! That is what I love about you! You make people smile! I need it with this awful weather we are having in the Northeast! Take care, John………..

  41. Ga cruiser says:

    Hello John!
    I love the blog and have followed it since the beginning. I always enjoy the bios on the cruise directors and was wondering why there couldn’t be a link on the cruise director schedule that would give this information. It would be great to be able to refresh our memory about the cd that is going to be on the ship we are sailing on.
    Thanks and keep up the good work!

  42. Jenn kennedy says:

    Hi John. On April 10 th we will be sailing on the Pride for the third year in a row. This will be my mom,s second cruise.Unfortunately last year we hit some rough weather and mom spent some time in the cabin and missing the formal nights and meeting the captain. What I am wondering is if it would be possible to arrange a table for five in the main dining room lower floor somewhere close to the middle so that mom will feel a little more comfortable in the dining room. We have the late seating. It has taken us several years to convince her to cruise with us and although she loves Kirk and Jaime she is still nervous. I booked our rooms on deck 8 midship and I think if we have seating in the middle of the dining room away from the engines she will do fine. Thanks John

  43. Jeanette says:

    John, I would find it offensive if someone told me about my fluffiness and dress. I am and and this is how and who I am….f-ck them…..They don’t know why you are the way you are–medical, genetic flaws, or just the love of food, so how can they begin to preach…..I hate people like that….wanna kick em in the ass…..

    I’ll be soooo tckled to finally meet you on the BC4 in 24 days…well 26, but I leave in 24..

  44. Rob Shay says:

    John, when I saw the post by William S. at the begining of this blog, all I could think of was “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” As a big ole boy myself you were kinder than I would of been. also saw your comments on Stu Dunn. By farr he’s the best CD I’ve had. i’m going on my 10th (yea Platinum Status) in March. Big Geroge would be the silver medilist(interestly both on the elation) Can’t wait to sail with you on the magic trans atlantic this coming Fall. have a safe voyage, and smooth Seas!

  45. Hello John,
    My husband and I have been a a few Carnival cruises when you were the CD. We have always told everyone we know that you were the best CD ever! And it still holds true today! We will be cruising on the Carnival Dream on Saturday Feb. 12. We will be traveling with friends of ours. Our friends, The Mc Coulloughs were on a Carnival cruise 2 years ago and on the very first day of the cruise Christopher had a grand mall siezure, not one but two! (he had not had a siezure in 40 years)He was taken to the medical facility and was monitored and taken care of very well till they docked at Grand Cayman and of course the land physicians took over from there. To make a long story short his cruise was very short due to this occurance and he had a bit of rehabing to do when he returned home. He is now stable and it has taken us 2 years to convince him to cruise again. I was wondering if you would be so kind as to send him a small “welcome” present to help him over the anxiety that I am sure he is feeling. Chris and his wife Peggy will be staying in cabin 7368. I would appreciate any help you can give us to make him feel “at home”.

    Thank you so much, (Love to Heidi and Kye!)
    Lois Ann Cianci

  46. LadyJag (Laura) says:

    Hi John!
    Just wanted to say great job on another brilliant blog!
    William should be ashamed of himself for his rudeness and arrogance! He is an uncouth parasite who tries to belittle people and prey on their insecurities in order to profit. Shame! Shame! Shame! It’s people like him who cause some people to have eating disorders just so he can make a buck.
    John, you know darned well this is William’s MO and should not be tolerated. I mean, I know you can handle yourself (and with grace and dignity I might add), but I wonder about the impressionable young teenagers who are already self-conscious about their bodies and to whom William tries to sell his trash. I’m sure that if, when my daughter gets older, someone like that ever tries such low-life tactics on her, HIS wardrobe would include my boot sticking out of his arse!

    Sorry to go off on a rant. As you can tell by now, this is a very hot button with me.

  47. John, While you were on vacation I sent an fb message regarding an incident that happened to me on the Carnival Freedom during my cruise in August 2010. Edward K allowed me to send it to his FB message so that it could be private and he said that he would forward it on to you and you would contact me. I haven’t heard anything from you and I know that you have been extremely busy but I was just wondering about your thoughts on what I had sent.

    Thank you for your time,
    Sharon Connolly

  48. MaryC says:

    Hi John,
    Great blog today. We all love you just the way you are.

  49. Kabir says:

    Hi John!
    My name is Kabir. I have done 17 cruises, 7 of which have been with Carnival.
    Carnival is definitely my FAVOURITE!
    I am very interesting in becoming a cruise director. I am aware that there must be a process (working in the “entertainment team”, assistant cruise director) before I can become a cruise director.
    Can you point me in the right direction for becoming a cruise director.
    Also, what other duties are there besides hosting shows, announcements, running activities and speaking to guests?

  50. Karen Baker says:

    Hi John,

    Keep your thingy warm in your clothes and your smile even warmer. People like William, whom tend to be callous in their remarks, never see the true meaning of joy in their lives. If people are large, small, short, or tall, none of us should have to suffer the verbal abuse from people who think their “CRAP” does not stink. And Williams letter was verbally abusive. So maybe he will get the bed bugs and a case of the crabs to go with them.


  51. Eugenia Rose says:

    John, regarding the beginning of you blog brings out one of my sayings ” mean people SUCK!!!!” you do what you want to do for you Heidi and Kye not what anyone else says. Thanks again for your time and insight. Still sorry you can’t go ashore 🙁

  52. as far as the comedians go, don’t forget allan ball, he’s great too john. we have seen him twice and loved him. others are great too but you didn’t mention him.

    see you on the 27th!

    smiles, bee

  53. John W says:


    I do enjoy the “comedy club feeling” but I enjoy being able to sit on my arse more lol. I would love if these could be held in the main show room!!!

  54. Kent says:

    John, don’t worry about what the naysayers say about your dress and appearance. Are you amongst the living? Are you enjoying life? Are your meat and vegetables warm, cozy and covered? Can’t ask for much more than that. Keep going with what you’re doing, you’re doing a wonderful job of keeping thousands of people entertained (both onboard and online), and balancing that with a family.

  55. Terry Kline says:

    Daer John~

    We are sailing on the Miracle 2/07/11. On the 13th we will be celebrating our 11th wedding anniversary. We had fun with you as our CD, some years ago. It was, we think, aboard the Miracle. It won’t be the same without you, however, a nice anniversary gift would ease our pain!

    The Kline’s
    Cabin – 4152

  56. Terry Kline says:

    PS- DEAR, I have trouble spelling, after midnight!

  57. CruznLexi says:

    John have you ever heard of Alfred and Seymor they are used on Princess and Disney and are are very funny they do both family and adult shows

  58. Heather T. says:


    Perhaps I just don’t understand, but what makes some Cruise Critic Members feel that they are the “Be All, End All” authorities on cruising?

    I have spent the last few minutes perusing the website, and I just don’t understand. It isn’t as though they are a member of some exclusive club that requires some kind of standard of its members. Anyone can join.

    Oh, and for the jackhole who decided to give you dieting and fashion tips:
    Where do you get off? As long as John and his loved-ones are happy, what business is it of yours? Didn’t your mother ever teach you any manners? Perhaps she is too busy posting rubbish on Cruise Critic.

    Whew. I will get off of my soap box now.

    Continue the great work, John.

    Thank you for all you do!

    • Well said. Anytime you need to get on that soap box I will be glad to help you up on it.

      BIG Ed

      • Hi Big Ed
        In my formative years, teens to early twenties, I attended & performed at traditional Scottish folk music clubs & concerts. As a bit of a rebel at heart I enjoyed so many of the ad lib, protest & send-up material that had the audience so hysterical they had to rush to the toilet at the interval. John’s Blogs have reminded me of an album (LP) I own entitled “Ballad of the Bog”. Bog is a Scottish term for Toilet.
        I have spent many hours since Christmas searching the Internet & visiting various reputable Music stores in Glasgow only to find that this album, containing 3 very funny Toilet songs is not available on CD. However, I have all the words & accompanying guitar chords which I have saved into a Word document & have printed & laminated on coloured paper to bring with me on BC4.
        I would prefer that John masters the tune & lyrics & sings it to the BC4 Evil team. However, I would be happy to deliver the first performance as long as JH promises to do so himself before the end of BC4.
        I am happy to send you the lyrics of the funniest song in advance if you let me know your e-mail address.
        If you don’t want to discuss via e-mail, I shall be happy to talk to you after we have boarded C Glory on 27 February.

  59. Diane Shepherd says:

    JOHN — next time someone comments on your size, just tell them you are Carnival`s Food Quality Control Expert — obviously the food is fantastic – look at you!! Honestly, William – RUDE MUCH??

  60. Larry Meador says:

    John, you should have really clinked on the link that the troll L.D.R. sent you. If you would have, one of the first things you would have seen was how some guy named “John Heald” had debunked the myth and rumors that were going around about services being cut.

    I love it when people show their “arse”…….

    Your friend in Texas,

    Larry Meador

  61. jgeraci says:

    Please quit posting letters from those people who continue to criticize your weight, clothes etc.!
    I used to worry about those kind of things. But now I consider every day that I wake up is a blessing. Who cares what I look like! Life is too short to worry about what others think of me.
    Go away Mr. Schenker! We don’t need you to criticize the kindest, most talented, cruise director in the business!
    You John ,continue to pick up my spirits every day. Life is tough right now, and I appreciate all you do to make it better.

  62. James Howell says:

    Hello John
    I thought it be appropriate that I comment on this Blog as you Highlighted Ryan F. this week as the CD for Carnival Freedom. We Have just sailed on her Jan 1st. I was part of the Large group of 20 celebrating my In-Laws 50th Anniversary. We had a fantastic time on the Ship and Ryan was Excellent as a CD.
    I want to thank Him and You for the Shout out on the Morning show and for the fact that Ryan was ale to pronounce the names of all the group, and for getting it on CD for us to take home. Also for the Bottle, and Signed Photo of the Ship, that was provided for Harry & Eiline and My Wife Liz and I.
    I also want to send a shout out to Sergio our Room stewart, He was fantastic, took care or My Boys very well, and kept them in line, lol. Our Room Stewart Lenoard was very good as well.
    I hope you enjoy your stay on the Freedom and that your journies are smooth.
    Untill next time have a great day.
    Your Blogger Friend
    James Howell. from Cold snowy Georgetown ON Canada.

  63. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    I forgot to add the name of a comedian that is fairly new to Carnival and that we loved on the Triumph in October.

    His name is Jason Blanchard. He is from Canada…and he is a HOOT!

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  64. Katherine says:


    I just have to say thank you – reading your blogs always puts a smile on my face and honestly, I can’t believe the “going above and beyond” that you do on a daily basis. I sincerely hope that your supervisors realize what a treasure you are. Keep up the great work and know that you have my prayers and thoughts for you and your family.

  65. gman0119 says:

    To John and William Schenker:

    William, you are an idiot. If success is judged by physical appearance, then who is the judge on who is successful???

    John, you have a fantastic job, and no other CD has a 9 million hit blog, but more importantly, you have a wife and a baby that look up to you as husband and daddy, love you for what you are and how you look, and love you more than any other people on the earth! That, is success!!!! Who cares about money, fame and fortune when you can get a kiss from your wife, and hear a child excitedly holler, “Daddy!”

    John, keep on posing for the Pork Monthly, and if another person tries to invade on your shape, make sure you laugh in their face at the shallow person they are!

  66. Beth F says:

    Dear John:
    I have been reading your blog for over a year and you are always good for a laugh – please never change a thing! We love your British Humour (spelled correctly) and your uncensored view of life.
    While Carnival is not my preferred cruise line (HAL is my favorite in Carnival Corp.) I would never have considered Carnival until I started reading your blog. If some day I needed a quick get-away, I would consider Carnival now.

    If I was a 19 year old Latvian Lap dancer, I would deliver your new Aston Martin DB5 to you personally for some rooftop rumpy pumpy… but alas, I’m not Latvian….

    Here’s to all of us being exactly who and what we are, and who cares what rude, insensitive Jerks have to say about how we look, how we dress, or what size we are!

  67. Deborah Rosato says:

    BC4 Question???

    John when you started planning the BC4 you advised that Kim Harrison would be on board with us….What happened? I think she is the best female comedian I have ever seen and she would fit right in with the Bloggers and all the fun we have planned.

    Isn’t there anything you can do to ensure she joins our party….I already purchased Magic Shell for her (inside joke from the Carnival Pride) –

    I truly hope you can re-arrange things and surprise us with Kim!!


  68. john&patty says:

    john we love you the way you are! please do not change anything about you.

  69. Tom & Jane says:

    this is for skinny arse


    you may keep your sorry self off our blog,,,,,,

    this is the FUN SHIP

    not the ole folks home !

    we dont need or want you on our Fun Ships,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

    tom & jane

  70. John R says:


    Please reply.

    I was so disturbed by William’s comments regarding amongst other things your weight. You should be offended – it is offensive to me even though it is directed at you.

    This seems to be a recurring thing – I guess some may have your interests at heart but most seem to have their own motive.

    My mother always said if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything.

  71. Zannett says:

    Wow, some people can say just about anything sitting at their keyboard. I really had to comment about Henry Victor’s post. That was just a bit agressive and RUDE. Honestly, why do people get so angry about things they should have checked on before booking a vacation. I know exactly what is available for each of my kids (and my granddaughter) before I pay a dime. I guess it’s easier to blame someone else than accept responsibility for lack of research. I can’t imagine a 21 year old wanting to hang out in Club 02 and I would not want them in there with my 15 year old, just sayin’…

  72. Debbie says:

    Really??? I didn’t know that a cruise director had to have a “special” look!!!! You fit the part PERFECTLY!!! Don’t let anyone else tell you differently!!! Seriously….don’t people have better things to do than to criticize :& sell their stupid diet products!!! Geez!! Hang in there John…we love you!

  73. Betty Miles says:

    Hi John, Just returned home from 14th. cruise.We wre on Glory.We thank-you very much for getting us a table for 2 in a great spot w/ a lot less traffic,thanks.
    A bit of disappointment in C.D. Jorge.We’re seen him 4 times as comedian & very funny.He didn’t come out before either Broadway show.His assistant did most of the talking for week.Which is fine but we looked forward to seeing & hearing Jorge as our C.D.,your the very Best C.D. & sailed w/ you 3 times.We love Carnival & are happy to be platinum members & enjoy all the nice perks.13 C.Cruises & will do many more.
    Had a plummer 4 times as we had no hot water,they never got it fixed so we had to run & waste water for 15 min. to get hot water.Never happened before.Our neighbors said they ran water everyday for 15 min.,Sorry but this shouldn’t happen & so much water wasted.Rm 9290.Hope it gets fixed soon for other cruisers.We still love Carnival.Really enjoy your blog.Hi to Heidi & kye. Thanks, Betty May

  74. MaryAnn R says:

    Hi John! We have sailed 25 cruises and have yet to meet a cd as funny and entertaining as you……

  75. Debbie says:

    My parents taught me “If you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing!” Apparently Williams parents missed that lesson….

  76. Jennifer says:

    I just have to say how very sad I am that you receive such hate filled garbage. I don’t know you at all… hope to meet you someday.. but I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. I know you are working hard for health reasons, but you are perfect just the way you are and I hope you can feel the virtual love.

  77. Cindy LaRue says:

    Oh my…another person leaving a nasty message….you realize he is in such need of attention don’t you? Well, you were kind enough to comply…bless you!

    I am on the Freedom right now and I realize (or realise) you wont’ get this in time, but tomorrow is my 50th birthday..yeah, I know it’s been all about me, me, me for this cruise but tell me where you are dining tomorrow so I can sneak in and say hi :)…the giddy blond who thinks she ran into Harrison Ford or someone the other night :))) when I met you…

    Anyway, thanks again for my gifts…and I just wanted to say this has been, by far, my best cruise to date. The Best of Antigua tour with Deb and Fudge was a highlight…and my cabin steward Angelito is awesome!!


  78. Roger Tollerud says:

    My wife and I are recently back from a wonderful nine day cruise on our favorite ship the Carnival Spirit. I saw comedian Russ Nagel at Punchliners and he was terrific–and the room was SRO.
    While not a Punchliners act, I did see a juggler/comedian in the big room who was just hysterical–unfortunately I cannot remember his name.
    Roger T

  79. Bob says:

    Hi John,

    I’m an avid reader of your blog and find your “Benny Hillish” humour (spelled correctly!) absolutely hilarious. My wife and I are discussing celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary on a Carnival Cruise this October and was wondering if Lenny Halliday (I hope thats spelled correctly) is still a Carnival Cruise Director. He was the CD on out first cruise aboard the Paradiseand my wife still talks about how he was her favorite.I don’t see him listed on the CD schedule through June 2011. If you have a chance could you let me know? Thanks and keep up the good work.


  80. Mary says:

    I just wanted to thank you so much with your help in getting my group of 10 reservations at the chefs table. We heard back in about 3 days and are so excited! I am loving reading your blog!

  81. The Cruzin2some says:

    Dear Blogger Family,
    I was just wondering if Willie S would have thought that Oliver Hardy would have been funnier if he was skinny and worn a tight fitting suit.

    What about Lou Costello?
    Would he have been better if the wore armani?

    John is a comedic genius and having loose fitting clothes that can with stand “The BAHAMA MAMA MARY” and others I do agree about the pinstripes but only because I hate the NY Yankees.

    Keep wearing the clothes you have but those of us who know you have seen the weight loss and know that some of the baggy clothes is due to the pounds you have already lost. I don’t mean the ones from your retirement fund either.

    The Cruzin(In 3 Days)2some

  82. Tara Shea says:

    Hi John! I am hoping you can help me! I am going on my very first cruise, for my 40th Birthday …yeah!! First time away from the kids in 7 years..cant wait! I really want to join the Chef’s Table. I am on the Inspiration from May 12-May 16…can you help me? 2 people. Cant wait to hear from you!!

  83. John don’t let the hater’s get you down. I have struggled with my weight my entire life! Even as I right this I’m on a diet and trying to resist the chocolate candy in a jar on my desk. As for how you dress, I think you dress quite appropriately and frankly I like the way you look ‘cuz you look like a real person, not a metro-sexual polished model like person that you “sometimes” see on the other cruise lines. If I ever win the lottery I will make sure a team of Latvian lap dancers deliver your new Aston Martin to you ; then they will hold a press conference declaring you the best “rumpy pumpy man” in the universe! I will then put on my travel agent hat and call all my friends and tell them that I have booked a 7 day Carnival Cruise for us to sail on (with you as the cruise director). What’s even better…I will be footing the bill! Keep up the fantastic work. Don’t let the rude people get you down! You ROCK!

  84. light says:

    Disparagement someone because in your eyes the person is not up to par is absurd. Who are you to judge? I could address the comments, however I will hope that you have a better day, and that populace stops calling you stout and unsightly. Go get a life William.

  85. Jim says:

    John, One of the funniest comedians who can easily play to a wide range of audiences (PG to Adult) is Bobby Collins. He is really a blast and has performed on the other guys quite a bit but I believe Carnival has a better audience for him,,,,We really have a sense of humour (spelt correctly)

  86. Donald Post says:


    I am trying to make reservations for the Chef’s Table and was told that you could help me with that? I know you need the booking info etc but was not going to list it here incase I am in the wrong place. Thanks for you help


  87. Susan Unkert says:

    2 words for William Schenker – Bugger Off
    You’re the best.

  88. Harold Openshaw says:

    The recent inappropriate comments have actually been quite educational for me. I googled “huge white ass” and clicked on Images– WOW! there are some interesting photos, and John was not the model for any of them. (“Huge black ass” is similarly instructive.)

  89. Harold Openshaw says:

    I also googled “jackass”. Whadda you know– up came photos of D. Washington and William Schenker!

  90. Lorri Young says:

    John you don’t need to change…you are awesome. I love your sense of humor and I think you look great. We had the best time on the Conquest when you were there as Cruise Director and you always looked professional enough for a “Fun” ship. I’m just sad your not going to be our Cruise Director on our Feb 6th cruise on the Conquest. Nobody can add more fun to a cruise then you!!!!

  91. Lainie says:

    To Mr Scheck..whatever you name is:

    Get a life you ignorant thing.

  92. Bonida says:

    William S. sounds like a waste of biological material. We, your fans, like you just the way you are. I have never sailed with you however, I have never seen a pic or video where you didn’t have on a suit and tie and you always look very nice. Also love the header blog picture.

  93. Jodi says:

    Dear, dear John: I simply have to add my 2 cents. Shenker is a Wanker! I do love the alternative spelling: Shanker, rhymes with Wanker better. This guy is so far off base he needs to dial home to get there, oh wait you’re a Brit-baseball is cricket to you. Any way, this dude has obviously not heard you’re diabetic, geez Billy get a clue, and losing 100 lbs isn’t just as easy as all that. Besides trying to keep up with Jillian could kill a super model. Those people on Biggest Loser have a Dr. supervising thier every move and BTW they’ve had a few close calls. Keep up the good work on your sugars, get out there and walk for St. Jude’s and follow YOUR doctor’s advise. Because your fans want you around for along time to come: your smile, your humour and your love are all infectious in spades.

  94. Kim Harrison says:

    John, I think you are hot. I like my boys with a little MEAT on their bones. MMMMMmeat!

  95. Amanda zybora says:

    In response to the William S comment …screw him!!! People like that were obviously Picked on as a you just keep on cruising and I’ll tell them all off for you! Thanks! Amanda Zybora.

  96. Mike Malone says:

    I suppose if the beards ever decide to hire Latvian stars as cruise directors then maybe I will understand William’s concern(s) which are brazen and seem overtly commercial. Until then, I do not look like what I see in cruise advertising campaigns. People, I, identify with you, John. Sure, we could all be more healthy, but seriously: I am not looking to fantasize about my cruise director. Best of luck with whatever effort you decide to make to be more healthy.

  97. Cris says:

    John. I am taking my husband on a back-to-back cruise for his 65th birthday & our 34th wedding anniversary [37 years together]. I would greatly appreciate it if you would forward our request for a table for two to the dinning room manager. We will be on the Splendor on 10/16/11 to 10/30/11. Our booking # for the first cruise [10/16] is 52TV50. For the second cruise [10/23] it is 48T4G3. We have requested second seating, but are flexible. Thank you for taking my request into consideration. My husband loves your blog almost as he loves cruising!

  98. Debra Taylor says:

    We were on the Freedom in 2011 when you were there for a couple of days. I’m from Indiana…not far from where Ryan grew up and thoroughly enjoyed getting to know him during our back-to-back cruises. I told him he was the only cruise director who came close to being “John Heald”! (You were the cruise director on our first Carnival cruise on the Sensation. Never have forgotten you…you were better than the entertainment!) I see Ryan’s not on the schedule for 2012…can you share what he’s doing these days? We are on the Miracle for back-to-back on Feb. 5th. Thanks…

  99. Farrah Dandridge says:

    Hello I was on the Carnival Freedom which sailed on 11/03/2012 it was great…I was wondering if you know the name of the current guitarist; he played jazz and the Motown and Funk, best live music, he was an older gentleman…hopefully he will be on our next cruis!

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