February 3, 2011 -

John Heald

Ssssssshhhhhhhhhhh………don’t tell anyone but I think two of the ship’s senior officers are ……….. well………… know………at it. It’s not like they need to tell anyone they are having an affair because it’s as obvious as posting five photos of naked bottoms on this blog …….four being Megan Fox’s and one being Judge Judy’s.

The pair in question probably thinks they were being subtle when by ignoring each other at yesterday’s department head dinner. But they might as well be running down Promenade Deck. They’ll think no one notices that in a darkened corner of the cigar bar after work they accidentally always manage to sit next to each other, legs touching under the table. But behind their backs other crew members are pretending to vomit, grinning at each other because ………… they know.

It’s an office romance and they are the same whether it’s on land or at sea. When a lady starts wearing short skirts with one of those push up bra thingies to work when before she wore long black pants and a blouse buttoned all the way to the top…….she’s definitely getting some post-work rumpy pumpy. A man will wear new cologne and if he is like the chap here on the ship he will walk down promenade like a peacock thinking to himself……………I am the man.

She’ll toss her hair a lot like that woman from Sex and The City does in that shampoo commercial…… know……..the one that looks like a horse. The man will stare at her bottom all day long without interruption. They’ll jump like someone has poured hot water down their underwear if anyone goes near their computers because they’re full of soppy “I am hot 4u! xox” e-mails.

Yep, they think nobody knows………but we all do and now so do you. The interesting thing is I know one of the people I am writing about reads this blog.

So have a look at your place of work. See if you can spot the obvious signs. Jen from accounting may be a hard worker but if her dress style has changed and she is smiling a lot…..she is probably having rumpy pumpy with Tim from purchasing.

Time for today’s Q and A………….so off we go.

Steve B Asked:
John Reply Please

I was alarmed to read on Cruise Critic this morning that Carnival has a big problem with bed bugs on their ships. What is being done about this and are passengers getting refunds if their cabin has bed bugs in them. We are sailing on the Elation in 5 weeks and need to know.

John Says:
Hello Safwatt,

I see your comment was posted on December 29 and I saw a similar comment to this on my Facebook page last night so I guess this rumor is still out there. And that is exactly what it is a rumor. Here are some facts. I checked with our Vice President of Operations just a few minutes ago and he confirmed that no ships in our fleet have reported an outbreak, infestation or whatever else you may want to call it and that’s because of the brilliant work carried out by our housekeeping teams on the ships. They follow the very strict protocol that we have set out for them to make sure the little bastards don’t ruin your cruise. So please ignore this rumor and I hope you had a wonderful itch-free cruise.

Best wishes

Optiron Asked:
Can you tell me (PLEASE) when the Chef’s Table will be on the BC4 as I am confirmed.

But don’t want to miss formal (LOBSTER) Night or an opportunity to go to the Steakhouse- Why not do it all??iron

John Says:
Hello Optiron,

The Chef’s Table will be on the 29th. It won’t clash with any of the private blog activities so please enjoy this brilliant experience. Best wishes and see you soon


Barb Shugart Asked:
John (Please reply),

Let me preface this with saying that I love Carnival and am platinum status. I also admire the way you and the entire CCL handled the Splendor situation.

That being said, you mentioned the old style captains parties here and I would like to bring up something about the past-guest party I attended on the Legend last week. It was less than pleasant for us and I will explain why.

We arrived at a time that they were directing people into the nose-bleed section. We were handed a plate of 3 sub-standard (based on past experiences with Carnival) hors d’oeuvres for one hand and a glass of beverage for the other hand. We then arrive at a theater-style chair that has to be lowered but both hands are full. Not what I would call good planning for the guests’ comfort.

I then got to sit and watch the people below get offered additional and a better variety of hors d’oeuvres. Up top, the waiter came around once to offer us a second drink but that was it. Another came around part of the area to pick up dirty plates and glasses but never got to us, so we ended up having to

May I suggest that as a platinum, I would much rather be considered for a reserved section on the mail level than to have a Freddy frame that will end up in the next garage sale. Might you suggest this no-cost (and potentially cost-saving if it replaces the frame) consideration to the beards?

John Says:
Hello Barb Shugart,

First of all I want to thank you for your loyalty to Carnival and also for taking the time to write. I know that immediate changes will be made by the hotel director on the ship as soon as he reads this. The bigger picture is that I want a separate Platinum and Milestone party. I have suggested this many months ago and everyone said yes but the beards are dragging their heels on this which is frustrating. So please can you accept my apologies and I will continue to pursue this avenue and meanwhile let the ship know what happened.

Best wishes

Brandon Aldridge Asked:
My girlfriend and I will be sailing on the Valor on the 12th March. I am planning on asking her to marry me on the cruise. Where and when would be the best and most romantic place, on the boat or otherwise, to ask her. I read that you give free champagne as well so how do I get you to arrange the proposal and make sure I get the free champagne. I want the band to play our song which is I belong to you by Muse. How do I make sure this is done as well?

John Says:
Hello Brandon,

I am sure we will be able to help you although I don’t think any of our bands will know your song ……..maybe I am wrong……but it might be a case of us playing it in the dance club for you. What I need you to do is to leave a note at the guest services desk as soon as you get on the ship with your cabin number and a note about the proposal. I have already sent this to Goose the CD. I will arrange a time and a place for the proposal to happen with him and yes you can have some free champagne. Are you bringing the ring or am I providing that as well? Wishing you both many happy years together.

Best wishes

Sarah Asked:
Dear John, Eric, and Everett (a plea — please reply),

This will be one of the more odd requests you have to field. Here’s the story: on the Carnival Dream’s voyage to the Western Caribbean this March, my son Joe (then 5 years old, now 6) bought a blue cylinder-shaped neck pillow (not the crescent-shaped kind) with the Carnival logo. He proceeded to fall in love with it, and for nine months he treated the pillow as a security blanket and a toy. The thing went with him everywhere.

Sadly, on Saturday night, the neck pillow met a tragic and unlikely end in our fireplace while being used as a football. Joe was brave but devastated. I would like to replace it but can’t find one online. Can you help?

Many thanks!

John Says:
Hello Sarah,

Poor Peter the Pillow……cremated. We still have these in the gift shops onboard and I have sent an e-mail to the company that runs them for you. They have asked me for you to contact them using the following e-mail address to see what can be done:

My apologies for the late response to your request and I hope Joe gets a new security blanket soon and also works on his football skills.

Best wishes to you all

Kim Leisinger Asked:
Hi John, (please respond).

My husband and I will be on the Victory 02-20-11 (room 9231) and are taking my brother and sister-in-law. They are first time cruisers and I can’t wait to show them how awesome Carnival cruises are! It is also my birthday. Is it possible to get a seat by the window in the dining room? I appreciate anything you can do. I enjoy your blog thingy so much. The “beards” did great – I actually enjoyed them in your absence. : )

John Says:
Hello Kim Leisinger,

I have asked the maitre d to do his best to help you with the table request. I wish you all a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes

Virginia Benard Asked:
John and the helpful beards,

I just started reading your blog after the carnival Splendor incident. I love it and find it very entertaining. I have a special request.
We were schedule to sail on the Splendor on Jan. 16th and have now rescheduled for the Feb. 20th sailing. (fingers crossed) I am traveling with my family and we are also taking my sister and her oldest grandchild who is 8. They are first timers to cruising. We would love to have the early dining with a table for 6, but due to us having to change sail dates we lost our early seating confirmation. I would love for my Great Niece to experience the early dining with a fabulous wait staff. Do you think you could help us out with that request? Our stateroom numbers are 2469 and 2467. Thanks in advance.

John Says:

Hello Virginia Benard,

I am sure you are very excited that your Carnival Splendor cruise is just around the corner. I am sending your request to the maitre d and he will do all he can to assist you. I hope you all have a brilliant time.

Best wishes

Kenneth Fargnol Asked:
John – (Please reply when you get a chance)

We are platinum cruisers and we just completed a cruise on the Miracle which embarked on the 28th September. I just wanted to drop a line to tell you that, as always, we had a great time. All the staff was outstanding, but I want to let you know that a bartender was incredible friendly and fun. She made the trip special and I do hope to run into her again. She worked in the Gotham Lounge and her name was Monica Tanase. In addition I wanted to make mention of our PVP Dave Robinson who is awesome.

We will be cruising on the Spirit on February 25th and I am taking a group of 8. These people rarely take Carnival and prefer your sister line of Holland America so I really am showing off Carnival on this trip so if there is anything you could say to the Maitre-de to get us a great table of eight I would appreciate it.

By the way, we met you and your lovely wife on the Freedom in the Mediterranean. You were so funny and entertaining that I have been following your blog since then.

Best Regards
Kenneth Fargnoli

John Says:
Hello Kenneth Fargnoli,

Thanks for that wonderful review that highlighted both shoreside and onboard staff who together helped make your cruise vacation so memorable. I will make sure they all see your words of praise. I have sent your request to the maitre d on the Carnival Spirit and he will do all he can to help you. I hope you all have a brilliant time and thanks for all your kind words.

Best wishes

REINA W Asked:
Please reply,

Is there a chocolate buffet on the fascination boat when we go in on in March and does we have to pay.

John Says:
Hello Reina W,

Yes indeed, there will be a chocolate buffet served on the last sea day on Lido Deck 9 and there is no charge. I know you will enjoy it. Have a great time.

Best wishes

Sign Of the Fish Cruiser Asked:
Please reply

Your comments on religion were disgusting John. You need to repent and find forgiveness at the mercy seat.

John Says:
Hello Sign Of the Fish Cruiser,

Ummmm…………I apologise if I upset you but honestly I haven’t a clue what you are talking about. Please can you send another post with the comments I made that have made you so upset.

Best wishes,

Alyssa Asked:
Dear John, (Please Reply)

First off, I hope you had a great vacation!

The hubby and I are cruising the Destiny on May 2, 2011 and are so excited! I have cruised many times but this is the first one without my mother, and first REAL vacation as an adult. I think I’ve earned it 🙂 ! This is hubby’s first cruise ever and first time even leaving New England, U.S! I keep trying to explain it all to him and I still don’t think he realizes how great it is going to be.

We will also be celebrating our Anniversary on May 6th. Figured this would be the perfect occasion for our first family cruise together! I was hoping you could think of something extra special for him to celebrate these occasions. Our cabin is 8335 and booking number is ______.
I can’t wait to show him what a blast Carnival really is!

Thanks so much,

John Says:
Hello Alyssa

It looks like you have a lot of things to celebrate when you cruise in May. How wonderful that the first time your husband will leave his home state will be on the ship. Now I will be honoured (spelt correctly) to send you something for your anniversary but as the cruise is sometime away please can I ask you to post this again on March 10th here on the blog thingy or a week before you cruise on my Facebook wall. This way I will be sure to get it done. Thanks for all the kind words and have a great cruise

Best wishes

That’s all for today. I continue to answer as many questions as I can here and on Facebook and if yours has not been answered yet I promise to do my best to get to it soon.

I spoke to the beards and they have agreed I won’t be Twittering. By the way, Eric the Beard who is truly a brilliant chap will be joining us on the Bloggers Cruise as will Jordan who is the chap with overall responsibility for They will host a bearded Q & A

Here then is the latest piano bar roster featuring the brilliant men and women who provide so much fun on our ships.

LI Brad Alexander 02/19/11
SE Barry Miller 02/24/11
FS Jordan Heppner 02/24/11
EC Lorraine Ingle 02/24/11
DR Tom Riccio 02/26/11
VI Wally Boik 03/06/11
SP Jafar Curry 03/06/11
DE Linda Wiggins 04/09/11
FA Robert Crucilla 04/13/11
MI Greg Gallello 05/14/11
TI Ben Prince 05/14/11
LE Angela Johnson 05/15/11
IS Richard Atha 05/16/11
EL Bruce McGhie 05/26/11
PA Todd Troutman 06/03/11
PR Roger Concepcion 06/05/11
CQ James Morris 06/12/11
IM Mikael Smith 06/13/11
FD David Filsinger 07/16/11
GL Dana Honey 07/23/11
SL N/A Drydock
VA N/A Drydock

Just one correction- Ron Pass will be on Carnival Glory for 2 cruises-02/20 and Blogger’s Cruise on 02/27

We are in Tortola today an island that unlike St. Thomas, St. Martin and others never really gets the recognition it deserves. Heidi and I first came here on the Carnival Triumph during her special 10-day Millennium cruise back in 2000 and we really loved it and still do. There are no high rise hotels, no casinos, and very few loud touristy bars. Today the Carnival Freedom is sending 200 guests to the neighboring island of Virgin Gouda. Here is what they will be doing.


Virgin Gorda is the third largest and second most populated of the British Virgin Islands.

On this excursion you will:

  • Begin with a 40-minute cruise across the Sir Francis Drake Channel; to Spanish Town, Virgin Gorda.
  • Board open-air safari busses for a short 5-minute ride to the famous baths.
  • Swim or bask in the sun amid mammoth boulders in this unique atmosphere of palms, sand and sea caves.
  • Take a stroll through the intricate network of trails discovering hidden caves and sea pools.
  • Enjoy a complimentary beverage before boarding the boat back to Road Town and your ship.
  • This is a brilliant excursion and Tortola should be a place everyone visits and on this superb 5 port 8 day cruise………….you can.

OK, time to go and see Ketut and ask him for one of his magic potions to get rid of chewing gum. He is actually my friend again after I gave him a $3 raise. Heidi loves chewing gum…….as do many others. Me………I sodding hate it. Heidi says it’s comforting…….. how is chewing gum “comforting?” It’s a tiny thingy that lasts five seconds before you’re left chewing a flavorless knot of horse scrotum…….my underpants have more flavor…… and will last longer.

Honestly, the taste of mint or spearmint or tofu lasts but a few minutes. Unless you sit on a discarded lump of it like I did this morning on Lido deck thanks to some little bastard who left it on the chair………then the stain on your best JC Penney pants lasts a bloody lifetime. People often ask me why we don’t sell chewing gum in the gift shops………..well now you know why.

Well, it’s nearly time to go but first we need to talk about the Carnival Splendor. She is expected to leave her dry dock position in San Francisco on February 11th and will sail to Pier 35. I know many of you have been asking about this because you want to go and see her. On the 12th and 13th of February the ship’s crew will join and then sometime on the 14th (not sure exactly when) she will leave for sea trials before heading to Long Beach with 1,500 crew and contractors onboard arriving in Long Beach sometime on the 19th before returning to service on the 20th.

It has been a long time coming and it will be wonderful to welcome her back to the fleet. There is though one problem. You see, I am in a bit of a pickle. Carnival beards have suggested that I should be there for these sea trials and to help Felipe get the ship ready. I’ll be blogging, of course, and there may be some press stuff to do as well once we arrive.

Carnival is being truly great about this and is leaving this up to me because they know I have been traveling a lot already to New York, Memphis twice and 5 trans-Atlantic flights in a seven week period. But it’s not the 6 hour flight to San Francisco in coach that bothers me…………it’s the fact that I really wanted to be just a simple, badly dressed, overweight cruise director with a large white arse again and being here on the Carnival Freedom allows me to be just that. And I know if I were to go then I would be letting a lot of people down who are sailing here between now and the 26th. But my heart is telling me that before the Bloggers Cruise that I should go home ………to the Carnival Splendor and be part of her return. So I have a lot to think about. It’s not just me I have to think of though because if I do go I will have to leave the ship to Dan who is the current ACD here as he will become cruise director until Ryan returns. So there is lots to think about and I shall talk to Heidi now as she always helps me see things sensibly. I will let you know my decision later tonight on Facebook as I won’t be writing a blog tomorrow as I have busy day regardless of what I decide to do. Any advice you have would be most welcome.

I watched one of the ships movies last night. It was some romantic movie starring Drew Barrymore and some actor and basically it involved lots of romance and rumpy pumpy followed by loads of cuddling. This of course is a work of fiction because as any male blogger reading this will know……..what happens after rumpy pumpy in the real world has bugger all to do with what Hollywood portrays. We fall asleep after rumpy pumpy. It’s the law because rumpy pumpy is usually last thing at night. Also, as men, we’re already thinking about the next thing……..job done ….. let’s move on to the next one, which, after a good fart…… is going to sleep……. Cuddle? ……………….cuddle my arse.

See you on Facebook tomorrow………what am I going to do? Honestly at this moment ………….. I don’t have a sodding clue. I really am


Your friend

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.