That’s Not Funny…..Is It?

February 22, 2011 -

John Heald

OK, it’s time for me to come clean about something…………I’ve wanted to tell someone for the last month or so……… but I have been too embarrassed…..too ashamed to tell you ………. but I cannot take it anymore. And so today, Tuesday February 22, 2011 I openly confess to you all……………that for the past 4 weeks…………I have been …………..Oh God the shame …………….. I have been……………using……………an Eyephone.

There, I said it and I feel free at last of the burden which has been crushing me as though my head was trapped between Rosanne Barr’s thighs.

For those of you new to our blog thingy you may not know that my hatred for anything with an Eye in it is equaled only by my hatred of anything French, bleeding hemorrhoids, nose hair, flying and high visibility jackets. I hate the way Eyephone users see that you have one and flock to you to talk about apps and if you have the VPN on or off and data roaming and WEP, WPA or WPA2. I wish there was an App you could buy that anytime an Eyephone disciple talks starts boring you to death with Eyespeak that you could press which would make their pants and underwear drop suddenly to the ground leaving their lady gardens and gentlemen’s sausage exposed to all.

Anyway, I have been teasing Eyephone owners for some time and last month to try and prove that I was talking total bollocks Eric the Beard, Everett the Beard and one of the 344 Stephanies presented me with an Eyephone while I was in the Miami office. Carnival supports Eyephones as well as Raspberries so I was given a new Eyephone which I was tasked to use for e-mails and Facebook updates. The beards thinking that after using it for a month I too would be converted and become a disciple of the Eye.

But the beards will I am afraid be disappointed and when I meet with them later this morning I will return my Eyephone and reclaim my Raspberry with a huge sigh of relief. I’m tired of the crappy camera which I have to say is not as good as the one my Motorola phone had 35 years ago. Then there is the battery. As you can imagine I am always e-mailing and updating Facebook and need a long lasting battery for this. The problem though is that the Eyephone has the life expectancy of a veal calf in Italy or a frog with four nice legs in France. I have had to keep it plugged in most of the time, which defeats the object of a “mobile” sodding phone. Also the alarm doesn’t go off when it’s meant to. My calls drop more than Paris Hilton’s knickers and last week the bastard Eyephone nearly got me fired during the Carnival Splendor press and travel agent function.

Honestly, it was awful. It was an e-mail exchange between me and Carnival President and CEO Gerry Cahill in which I asked where he was on the ship so we could meet up and discuss what was going to happen. It went like this:






But the bastard Eyephone auto-corrected to “OK, I WILL COME OVER FOR A SEX.” I went to Gerry’s cabin. His door was locked. He wouldn’t let me in. I want my Raspberry back.

Time for today’s Q and A……….off we go.

Janice Longthorn Asked:
John – Please reply.

My husband Tom and our three children just returned from a wonderful time on the Imagination and the table you arranged for us was just perfect and the champagne and the trophy you sent each of the children was a nice touch although it would have been nice to have gotten one of the famous fruit baskets I have read about on your blog. Why did we not get one of those, just curious as well feel a bit slighted. The waiters singing and dancing was an intrusion to our dinner as well. Most passengers I spoke to said they HATED this.

Janice Longthorn

John Says:
Hello Janice Longthorn,

I am so glad that you had fun on the Carnival Imagination and that the table you asked for was made available to you by the maitre d. Maybe next time I will see if I can send you one of the famous fruit baskets. I have rarely heard anything but positive comments about the parades and dancing in the dining room Janice so I was surprised to read your comments.

Best wishes to all

Robert (Bob) Dennard Asked:
Dear John,

Sorry if that sounds like an impending break-up between lovers. Let me assure you that it is not… my love affair with Carnival continues. But I do have a “bone to pick”… actually a couple of them but I’ll only address this one for now.

I’m writing this from an Internet Cafe ashore in Tortola… and you’ll see why in a second.

I am currently on an 8 day cruise on the Carnival Freedom. I am having a very, very great time. I have been posting a running commentary on the cruise on “Cruise Critic”. You can see my comments at:

Well, I finally got fed up with the ship’s internet and I wrote a “rant.” Here’s what I posted:

A Rant

It’s time for a bit of a rant. I know Carnival reads these boards and it’s time to speak up and let you know that in one area the “King wears no clothes.”

I’m a pretty reasonable person. I don’t expect miracles from the cruise lines. But there is no excuse for the miserable excuse for an internet service they provide. I tried to post my report on Day 3 this morning. The first attempt it took me 5 minutes for nothing to happen and then for the network to completely crash out… and I didn’t get to log out so the clock was still ticking.

I recycled my wireless connection off then back on and after another couple of minutes got connected again. After a couple more drop offs I got my stuff posted. The bottom line is that it took 17 minutes for me to log in, copy and paste the text into Cruise Critic and then to log off.

The rate plan I’m on is $89 for 240 minutes… that’s 37 cents per minute. That in and of itself is outrageous. Add to that the exceptionally slow and grossly unreliable function; this internet service is an unacceptable way for Carnival to rip off their customers. It cost $6.29 for less than one minute of actual access to put up my post this morning.

I understand that a moving ship at sea may having problems getting high speed internet… so I accept that it might be slower. But all of my problems I’ve described here have been while we’re stationary… docked in St. Thomas. It is now 2011. The technology has gone way beyond what is Carnival is providing and there is simply no excuse for it.

I’m going to post this on the John Heald blog too. I know the Carnival “beards” see and respond to that.

Sorry for the rant… Now if it doesn’t take too much time and aggravation to post this, it’s time to go ashore and get my smile back.

Memories of Naked Fanny

I’m sending this to you because I know you want to do whatever you can to improve Carnival. I also know the “beard” will read this. (I’m sorry I’m probably posting this in the wrong place, but I couldn’t figure out where else to post… (I know Eric “the Beard” will probably move it to an appropriate place.)

Before I go, I want to make it clear that I’m not asking for anything for myself… I’m not asking for a refund… I’m not akin for free lifetime cruises to anywhere in the world… I’m not asking for anything like that. What I am asking is for Carnival to fix this. I am an engineer and I have designed satellite communications systems, so I know it can be better than this.

If nothing else, I can recommend a reasonable “flat fee” for unlimited internet use while on the ship. (The key here is reasonable).

Thank you for listening. Now back to some serious cruisin’ stuff.

See you on “The Bloggers Cruise”

Memories of Naked Fanny

John Says:
Hello Robert (Bob) Dennard,

First of all let me apologise for the delay in me replying to this post. As you may know I am a long way behind in answering my blog questions but I am glad I saw yours today. You know, I saw a similar complaint from a guest who wrote to me here a few days ago. He had been on the Oosterdam with Holland America and also had comments about the internet service onboard.

Indeed, I have shared your pain when writing blogs last year whilst on the Queen Victoria and the Nieuw Amsterdam and the sending of photos and text took forever. The entire industry you see is reliant on one satellite which is called MTN and the bandwidth it provides for multiple numbers of guests to use at one time means that it is slow. I can tell you that it’s not a Carnival issue as there as the shipboard internet prices are pretty standard throughout the industry. The problem is of course that unless technology leaps forward very quickly, there is unlikely to be a change anytime soon.

Regardless I will make sure someone important with a beard sees your posting and I thank you for taking the time to write it.

I hope you had a fun cruise

Best wishes

Chantelle K Asked:

I just read on cruise critic that the Inspiration is a training ship. Why was I not told about this when I booked the cruise. I called to cancel but they won’t let me. How can carnival get away with this? Please help.

John Says:
Hello Chantelle,

Judging by the fact that I am 6 weeks behind now in answering these questions I am thinking that you may have already cruised on the Carnival Inspiration and if you did or your about to I promise you will have a brilliant time. What you have read on Cruise Critic is not correct. Like many other Carnival ships, the Carnival Inspiration hosts two “colleges,” one for entertainment staff and one for floor supervisors. A cruise ship is certainly a unique job and we take these opportunities to train our personnel in the shipboard environment (FYI – other “colleges” are on other Carnival ships, i.e. the pursers college on Fascination, the housekeeping college on another ship). As in the case with all of our colleges, there no trainees are ever placed directly into guest areas. The same brilliant service levels that you will find on all our Carnival ships can and will be found on the Carnival Inspiration and the other ships that have colleges. I hope you have or had……………fun.

Best wishes

SIMON + 3 Asked:

Well I did it. I booked 2 cabins on the Magic in Europe in August and if we don’t have a good time I will blame you. My family (Molly age 8 and Marcus age 11) wanted to go on Disney but me and my wife have told them that we will have more fun with Carnival. No pressure John but this is because of your blog which I have started reading during the Splendor fire. You are an amazing writer and you should seriously write a book. I was hooked and couldn’t wait for the next part. Since then I have not missed any of your blogs and so we have decided that our second ever cruise (first was on Princess) should be with you. So no pressure John. Thanks for the great blogs and we will see you in Barcelona.

John Says:
Hello Simon + 3,

No pressure………my arse. Seriously I am both thrilled and humbled by your kind words and I will do all I can to make sure that we exceed your expectations and that by the end of your cruise Molly and Marcus say “Micky who?”

They will love the water park, the rope swing course, the huge Camp Carnival play area while Mum and Dad enjoy a meal at The Cucina del Capitano and a drink at the RedFrog Pub. And of course there are the ports, the brilliant ports. So I will look forward to seeing you soon and if there is anything I can do please let me know.

Best wishes to all,

The Norlands Asked:


I need to organise all the mini bar items to be emptied from our cabin #6256 on the Valor March 5th. Also a table for 4 in the center of the lower level is my other request

John Says:
Hello The Norlands,

While I will be happy to ask the maitre d to assist with your table request I cannot do anything about the mini bar. This is a door here on the blog that I don’t want to open as once I do it for one I will have multiple requests which I won’t be able to manage. Please ask your stateroom steward and he or she will see if this is possible. Have a great cruise.

Best wishes

CruisinSue Asked:
Hi John and Heidi, Reply if you feel need

Thank you Heidi for the update. Was so nice of you to keep us posted.

I hope you are feeling better soon. I just got over that kind of crud myself. Just take care of yourself and get well soon.

I am a bit late in acknowledging your kindness from late October. Mom and I were cruising on the Carnival Miracle along with my friends Don and Carolyn. A bit of a review, we thought Malcolm was hilarious. I had cruised with him as CD a couple of times and he is still as funny now as was then. Overall the cruise was really good. It was nice to be a part of the celebrations of CCL’s return to Aruba and Curacao. I spoke with some of the Island officials in the terminal and I could see the excitement on their faces. The welcome celebration and gifts from there were a nice touch. There were a couple of sea days than seemed a bit boring, but for someone like myself with 48 CCL cruises, I have done most of the activities. There were plenty of activities available, but it seemed I had done or seen them all. We still enjoyed all the shows and Malcolm’s silent comedy routing was hilarious as usual.

I want to thank you also for the nice gifts you sent and the photo. Mom was surprised and it made her feel really special to get a gift from the “man” himself. She was on the Freedom Grand Med cruise with us in 2007 and she and my step-dad thought you were terrific.

One more comment….I have read the comments about Jen as CD. I have never cruised with her, so as of now I have no opinion. I am booked on the Carnival Spirit on March 27 and noticed that she is the CD. I will let you know at the end of that one what I think of her…LOL I have only had one cruise that I thought the CD was not good. It was on the Fantasy several years ago and her name was Val. I don’t think she is CD with CCL any longer though. I hope you don’t mind, but I will have a dining seating request later. There is only 4 of us cruising but I don’t have final cabin numbers and such yet.

Please take care of yourself and enjoy your time home with the girls. I am going to miss the BC4 on the Glory, but I do hope to cruise with you again soon. Give hugs to the girls.

Gloria aka Sue

John Says:
Hello CrusinSue,

Thanks for that great review. I was very pleased to hear that you received a little something from me and that you had fun. I was very pleased to read that you enjoyed Malcolm as your CD and I will make sure he sees your words of praise. Carnival is so pleased to be going back to Aruba and Curacao and one day I hope to be back with you soon. Please let me know about Jen and your cruise in March and I am sure you will have a brilliant time. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Best wishes,

Violet Roussel Asked:
Dear John,

My husband and I are booked on our 3rd Carnival cruise on the Glory leaving Miami for the Western Caribbean on March 20, 2011

Recent past cruiser reviews have left me with serious concerns and doubts about the Glory. I have noted that you will be cruising on the Glory in February 2011. Please help put my concerns to rest. The reports of sagging lumpy beds and bad shows have me wanting to run to RCCL!! Thank you……..

John Says:
Hello Violet Roussel,

May I kindly ask where did you read these reports? Wherever you did I promise you that they are incorrect. I am sure there are many here who have cruised on the ship and can tell you the brilliant time they had. However, one thing is certain. Opinions are based on individual thoughts and should not be the basis of you worrying if or not you will have a great time. Just go on there with an open mind and I promise you will have a great time. Please let me know what you think when you get home.

Best wishes

Amy O Asked:
John reply please before my cruise starts!!! Urgent !!

I want to reserve a table for 2 for me and my boy friend. We are in the cabin 1427 on the Dream on 26 Feb.!!

Amy O

John Says:
Hello Amy O,

I was very pleased to get this from you before you sail. Yep, it pleased me a lot and I asked the Maitre D saying please, please, please can you organise a table for Amy O please. Have a wonderful cruise and please please please tell me all about it when you get home if you please.

Best wishes

Joe Kyle & the Polecat Asked:
Please Reply

Joe & Brenda Kyle and Pat & Bill Fairbanks just returned on the Carnival Conquest going to the Eastern Caribbean. As always, we just love the ship and crew on the Conquest.

We missed the new number one desert Crème Brulee that is served ONLY on the first night sailing. This is the night everyone goes after the “warm melting chocolate cake” but our Matrade, Hatem, came to our rescue and asked the chef to prepare each of us one on our last evening and it was great!

I was surprised when I went to the internet café and typed in which has free access; BUT, when I tried to click on the link to your blog I was informed that since that it is a “personal blog” and I would have to log in and pay to read it. Shame on you Carnival! I decided to save my money for the casino and read the blogs when I returned home. Sorry to hear you have not been well while we were out having fun at sea.

What happened to the comment cards at the end of the cruise? We did not get the chance to brag about JJ our room steward, Hatem, Watson, Virgil and June in our dining room and Bojana who kept our drinks form the bar coming, along with Andrew and Tere the ship shoppers, and Audrey, Valantini and Santosh in the gift shop. There were several others but forgot to write down their names. Each of these folks went out of their way to make us feel like we were the only ones on the ship!

See you on the Magic Nov. 14th. Will there be any fanfare in Galveston on the 12th or 13th that we four (4) can join in? PLEASE REPLY

John Says:
Hello Joe Kyle and the Polecat:

If you could see me now you would see a huge smile on my face as the memories of our time on stage together return. I am so glad you had fun and that the Crème Brulee was a feature thanks to Hatem. I will make sure that he and the others you mentioned receive your words of praise. The comment cards or review cards are now sent on line and if you checked the box about receiving e mail on your booking form you may have gotten one. If not please let me know. I will see you soon and be prepared for a repeat performance.

Best wishes to all

That’s all for today.

So here I am in a hotel room that looks exactly like the other dozen or so hotel rooms I have stayed in these past few months. Honestly, I love my Brand Ambassador role but I really, really need to be a cruise director again……….. and soon………… roll on your Carnival Magic.

I am in Miami now until Thursday when I shall fly to Grand Cayman to join the Carnival Glory for the bloggers cruise number 4. Later today I shall drive down I-95 and if I make it off there alive I will head to NW 87th Avenue and Carnival’s HQ to finalise everything with Eric and Everett the Beards and the 344 Stephanies.

The problem is that after being on the Carnival Splendor where I was surrounded by shipmates and 1,200 travel agents, some of whom were sponsored by Budweiser….….here in Miami …… I am pretty much alone. Take last night for example. I left the Carnival office and drove the 15 miles back to my hotel. Three hours later I arrived having realised again that Miami drivers have yet to discover the things on their cars called indicators.

So after eating a room service burger that with fries and tax cost the same as dinner at our steakhouse I decided to watch a pay per view movie. No……I did not……how dare you suggest I watched Hot Latvian Rumpy Pumpy 4……..because I didn’t………I’ve see it.

No, instead I thought I would watch something called Knight and Day……a good action movie with fighting, explosions and death and destruction……and maybe a glimpse of Cameron Diaz’s knockers. But it was a load of utter bollocks and proof positive that we are living in a woman’s world and there is no greater example of this than Hollywood’s continuing down wood spiral as they make films about kissing, love and other vomit inducing subjects.

In days gone by, we had Steve McQueen, Charles Bronson, John Wayne……real men who didn’t cry ……they shot you in the head before climbing into their Mustang or climbing on their Mustang and drove, or rode off, into the sunset to have rumpy pumpy with anyone they wanted.

Who’s their modern-day equivalent? There’s nobody. Segal has smoked his own underpants and is now making a reality show about being a sherriff………which if you haven’t seen you must ……….it is surely the funniest show on TV. Schwarzenegger is a retired Govenator. Gibson (the idiot) is too busy pissing off everyone and Stallone who is now aged 103 is about a believable an action figure as Judge sodding Judy. And in this Knight and Day movie I watched, I’m expected to believe that a dwarf like Tom Cruise could knock someone out with a single blow from his hair product.

Well, one of the things I have had to do is to talk to the senior beards in entertainment about a joke a comedian told while I was on the Carnival Freedom two weeks or so ago. The person who wrote a letter to someone very senior was complaining about a joke which was said at the Punchliner comedy club during the Uncensored/Adults Only show at midnight. Now I am sharing this with you because I was asked my opinion as to whether I thought this to be offensive or not and honestly…………I don’t know.

You see, comedy is a very difficult subject to write about and performing it is truly very difficult. I mean, you know you are going to offend someone…..fat, thin, black, white, Catholic, Jewish, Muslim…….it’s virtually impossible not to offend especially when you have the security blanket that a Uncensored show rating brings.

Now I am going to share the joke with you and just in case there are some people who think that I shouldn’t ……well my apologies in advance but this is a subject so worthy of discussion. Anyway, here is the joke as said by one of the Punchliner comedians during the Uncensored comedy show on the Carnival Freedom.

A Muslim man was arrested today by the NYPD for walking with a sheep through Times Square. When questioned he said it was Islam and he could do what he wanted.

OK, I softened the language up because in the joke the man was not walking with the sheep. But regardless it was a play on words……Hislamb…………..Islam.

So one man out of the 400 present complained. And I can sort of understand why. But should we tell this comedian he can never tell this joke ever again and if so if I make a fat joke about myself and someone gets upset should I not tell that joke anymore. And when eventually……….and it will happen……the French Tourist Board find my blogs and threaten me with guillotine unless I stop……….should I comply? What are your thoughts on this?

By the way, if you want true comedy you should come to my hotel room which has a toilet so low down I might as well be crapping on the floor. And I need a block and tackle to heave my large white arse up again. My thanks to the designers who have not only built a toilet inches off the ground but have placed a full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door so you can watch yourself doing so.


Your friend,

Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

122 Responses to That’s Not Funny…..Is It?

  1. Phil&Liz says:

    To Robert (Bob) Dennard :

    Did you try to locate “free” wifi signals from the businesses at the port–from the ship–I do not mean go ashore?

    Also, try reading up on tethering your computer to your cellphone and suing the cell signal as a modem.

  2. Eileen McCall says:

    Regarding the joke, it is a joke. The gentleman that complained should get a life. The thing about Comedy Clubs, as well as movies and TV shows is that if you don’t like the material, turn it off or leave. No one is making you stay and listen.

    No, the comedian in question should not be told he has to change the joke. Does he also do Catholic, Jewish or Protestant jokes? How about Buddhist, or Hindi jokes? Again, if you don’t like the material, leave. I think it is fine.

  3. Frank and Bridie says:

    John, That joke is hillarious!!!!! I would be very upset and complaning if they were to tone the comedy club! Oh come on give us the full uncensored version 🙂 What part of Adults only uncensored did he not get???? Some people need to relax!

    Big Fans As Allways,
    Frank and Bridie

  4. Phil&Liz says:

    Careful John…Sign of the fish is going to say you are fornicating with sheep now !!!

  5. Bill Heck says:

    Hello John:

    Thanks for buying the soldier his supper, big heart.

    As far as the humor, just don’t pick on Arkansas. Everything else is fair game.

    Your Friend

    Bill Heck

  6. Dave Myerly says:

    John, About te joke
    First it was at the midnight show and was advertised as such and the person should not have attended if they were so thin skinned.
    Second I think those who complain about Islamic Jokes have no right to do so and are only proiferating the view that they really want Shiria Law and that is another way to get to it.
    I live in New Jersey and know that all the jokes about New Jersey and the Italians, Blacks, etc etc are one way real Americans deal with the daily stress of life. Most mean no harm but sometimes offends others.
    However for those who go out of their way and really try and offend others with words or actions then it becomes very obvious they are the true racists and bigots and we must watch for that and remove them from societies. Some of those folks go on to become terrorists and many end up doing physical harm to others and some spend time in our jails.

    However, in this case it was done in a comedy club and advertised as the midnight show. The person should not have attended but had the right to do so, but I think by attending he or she does not hve any right to complain about this.

  7. loves sailing says:

    I don’t think the joke is offensive nor do I think it is funny. Maybe you had to be there. But please don’t sensor the comedians in the adult show. If you do why have one at all?

  8. Karen says:

    Lol @ the Iphone auto correct. You can turn that off. I am surprised you did not like the camera though. The iphone 4 has a great camera . I had a crackberry before the iphone and had some time adjusting with the auto correct. But to each is own. I personally have had no issues but I like I stuff. Also I hope you had a case for it. There is a great case that adds almost no bulk and it helps with the signal and adds extra battery

  9. DannyK says:

    Regarding the anti-Muslim joke: If the comedian was Don Rickles, OK. Maybe if the comedian was a Muslim, OK, although I’m not sure if I’ve heard of any. If the comedian made fun of all or many religions as part of his act, OK. Being a member of a religion that not many years ago faced discrimination in the form of my mother being denied the choice of where to live, I don’t think it’s funny to pick on a particular religion just because most people don’t understand it. I’ve seen many very funny comedians on Carnival ships who don’t rely on religious or ethnic stereotypes for their humor. I didn’t see the show, but, I don’t consider simply telling a joke to be comedy. I’m not going to pay to go to a comedy show to see someone just tell jokes and shaggy dog stories. (Or shagging dog stories.) Almost anyone can tell a joke. Otherwise you could list a passenger dirty ‘Joke Off” event in the Fun Times and get equally big laughs and use the money you save on hiring a comedian for more ships on a stick. And Carnival isn’t going to be responsible for jokes told by passengers.

  10. shari seibert says:

    I have to say the mirror on the bathroom door gave me a good laugh. By the way I love my “eyephone”!

  11. Bob says:


    I collect logo golf balls and try to get one from each ship. However, I failed to buy one on the Liberty and the Dream did not have any. Is there a way I can purchase golf balls with Carnival Liberty and Dream on them without going aboard each ship?

  12. karen says:

    Hi John,
    Tell the sensative gentleman to grow a pair or not go to the club. Nothing should be off limits at a midnight show. If you don’t like it LEAVE! Now as far as Arkansas…….

  13. Ron says:

    The comedian should be told not to tell that joke again. Not because it offensive, but because it’s bad….horribly bad. So bad, it’s a crime against comedic humanity.

  14. DannyK says:

    Maybe Carnival can take a cue from Starbucks and do something like giving free WiFi minutes with coffee’s or DOD. They could also have a high speed connection available to them when in port and switch over to that when docked. It’s not rocket science these days. Every greasy spoon diner seems to be adding free high speed wifi. Maybe think about a discount for those passengers that bring their own laptop since Carnival doesn’t have to do maintenance on my laptop.

  15. Todd says:

    Hi John,
    The joke isn’t offensive but, it isn’t funny either. I find THAT offensive.

    And thank you for letting us know the status of the Belize “situation on the Legend next week (Feb. 27th sailing). We will be celebrating my 45th birthday that day (March 3rd) and I’m really looking forward snorkeling in Belize.
    Best regards,
    Todd A. Breitenstein

  16. Carrie Weaver says:

    A couple of things John. If you send Janice a fruit basket I will be very disappointed in you. I think that you need to reconsider being so kind to the ungrateful people on here. Some bloggers have only come here to request something, while most of us are here to be entertained by you. Second, I am not Muslim, but I thought the joke was kind of cute…Hislamb-Islam. People need to lighten up and enjoy life. They need to quit looking for things to criticize and complain about!! JMHO

    • Rita says:

      John – I can’t believe all that you do for the guest and then they ask for more. I was so thankful for the dining room experience we had on our B2B cruise on the Carnival Freedom and all that you did to make this possible. I can’t imagine asking more after all you do for the guest. Just getting to meet you and you were so kind to my parents – you are the greatest and thank you for all that you do for Carnival!

  17. Becky Watkins says:


    I am also battling the decision of transitioning from my Blackberry of 3 years to an “Eyephone.” I use an “Eyepad” for work and love it, but I do not rely on it for calls. I hear both good and bad about the phone service, but the bad sure seems to outweigh the good. Being a loyal person, I refuse to give up my ALLTEL plan of 19 years. In the past, I have never been able to text or call from any ship. I may just have to convert to something new before I sail again. I just cannot get my husband to go with me when he loses connection with home due to no phone service.

    My husband and I are sailing on the Conquest on 3/20/11. I am a diehard Carnival cruiser. In March, we will be celebrating our 29th anniversary and going on our first real honeymoon. When we married many moons ago, all we could afford was a night out at the “drive-in” theater. We have decided to officially take a honeymoon. Something special for our celebration would be wonderful. We are in cabin 7428.

    A dedicated follower,
    Becky Watkins

  18. Cheryl K says:

    The text to Gerry was laugh out loud funny! And of course your ending with classic bathroom design is priceless. Thanks for that as I needed a good laugh.

  19. Cheryl K says:

    Oops, sorry I forgot about the joke..I thought it was funny.

  20. Roger evans says:

    violet, I was on the Glory in November and could not have had a better time. The ship and staff were simply FANTASTIC.

    • Janey - OKGIRL says:

      I couldn’t agree more………I’ll be boarding the Glory for the 4th time on Sunday and can’t wait……I’ve always found the beds to be super comfortable…….I’m not a great sleeper under the best of circumstances, but count my restful sleep in a Comfort bed with that fabulous comforter to be some of the best and longest hours of sleep that I ever get….

      I think that’s one of the things I like best about booking an inside cabin, it’s dark and cool and pair the comfortable bed with the gentle rocking of the ship and I can snooze for hours………

    • Spanky77 says:

      Sailed on the Glory in January 2010 and again in January 2011. Both cruises were fantastic and the ship was beautiful. You will not be disappointed

  21. Brice jury says:

    Let the comedians tell their jokes, no censorship. Muslims, pedophile priests and the French are all great subjects, as well as Michael Jackson and mother Teresa – ok maybe not mother Teresa.

    • Me says:

      Really? All those groups? How about this one?
      When Jesus stays at a hotel he gives the clerk 3 nails and says “can you put me up for the night?”

      Or this one?

      Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s? They fall through the holes in his hands.

      What kind of letters do you think Carnival would get if he told those jokes?

      • Suzanne says:

        Oooooooooooh, I should grab the popcorn for this one! However, I thought they were absolutely funny 🙂 And, you’re right, if you’re going to offend, be equal opportunistic about it.

      • Linda (Mom of DJ) says:

        I wouldn’t complain….

        But then you are not comparing apples to apples.

        The joke made fun of a RELIGION (Islam) NOT their prophet.

        The Islam joke he told is just like all the 9 million Baptist, Catholic jokes that are told every day.


        • Me says:

          Without knowing the content of the act beyond that one joke, there’s no way to know if it was comedy or an attempt to deliberately single out one religious minority. If the routine was making fun of religion and other religions, fine. But to simply tell an anti-Muslim joke in the middle of an act, I don’t find funny at all. Even though I’m not Muslim, I would find it offensive in that case just as I would if he singled out any other minority group to the exclusion of all others. Unfortunately, we only have the single joke to go on from the complaint, and not the context of the act, so all the comments pro and con about that particular situation are kind of useless since none of us were there.

  22. John Vallow says:

    I never understand people who go to an UNRATED comedy show and then complain about the material they hear. They are told MANY times before the show that there may be some material considered offensive but yet the first thing they do is complain. They have a choice to avoid the unrated show and attend the moire conservative one.

    Please don’t start censoring the comics. Not everyone lives in a bubble.

    • Me says:

      When I see “R-Rated Adult Only Comedy” I don’t assume I will hear religious bigotry disguised as humor. I assume I will be hearing funny sexual humor, scatological references and four letter words.

  23. Stay yourself John, there will always be a few who complain and thats not going to change…You are wonderful being yourself!

  24. Starr Willaman says:

    Great blog today. Sorry about the toilet, I have encountered a few of those in my travels and I am short!
    If you have not read the blog on CC by Robert (Bob) Dennard please do. It is funny and enlightening. His rant about he computer aside it is a very good piece on the cruise. I would not be concerned about the joke, funny and you will always have someone who hates something about a joke. Looking forward to my cruise in one month on the Freedom.
    Your friend,

  25. Henry Nyhuis says:

    John, I think I was standing beside you when he told that joke. 399 people laughed BECAUSE IT WAS A JOKE! It is a “comedy club” right?

  26. Jeanette says:

    JOHN, I love you man!!! EYE PHONES SUCK!!!!!!!!!

    Joke–I think people are too sensitive now and will get offended at just about anything. I might not like a joke, but I get over it and brush it off….the only thing that pisses me off is rude/ignorant people who make rude/nasty comments! A crude joke is nothing…..

  27. Pilot says:

    The funniest part is not the joke, but that you have to look at yourself while on the crapper.

    You can take a picture of yourself!

  28. Glen says:

    It was the midnight show with full disclosure. Once you start censoring, it will never end. You don’t like whats on HBO, you change the channel. You thinking smoking opened a bag of worms – look out.

  29. Jeff Taylor says:

    Hi John,

    I would say to the thin-skinned person that complained about the joke that he might not want to attend an uncensored adult only comedy show. Geees, what were they expecting, rated G. You can’t please everyone and sometimes you just have to shrug off complaints and continue business as usual.

    BTW – that is a funny joke.

    Take care,

  30. Donna says:

    LOL regarding the Eye Phone auto “correct”. That seems to be a huge problem with the I-Phone 4 and one of the reasons my husband and I went with a windows phone.

    Don’t censor the comedy club! Uncensored Adult show means exactly that. Nothing is off limits.

    Really? Someone was upset because, even though you arranged the table they wanted and sent gifts their way, they didn’t get a fruit basket? Shame on them!

    Keep up the good work. Hopefully some day in the future, we will get the opportunity to cruise on a ship with you as CD.

    Camby, IN

  31. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    No one put a gun to Mr Offended Muslim and made him attend the show.
    Personally, we never go to the Adult Comedy segment because it just isn’t our thing. That certainly doesn’t mean it can’t be someone else’s thing. My opinion is that Mr Offended Muslim is being ridiculous.

    Btw, thanks for “trying” to set an example to Amy O about the polite way to make a request. (saying PLEASE and THANK YOU) But if “me and my boyfriend” is any indication of the education level you are dealing with, I fear it is a lost cause.

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  32. As far as the joke, this one man should not have gone into the comedy show. People walk into the room to laugh at whatever the topic is. You have to realize that in some form you might be laughed at and you should also be laughing at the joke. If we’re not careful we may lose comedy shows what so ever. If you don’t want to laugh or be laughed at stay out of a comedy show. I’m Italian and at any time my nationality could have a joke and I’ll be the one laughing the most at it. The world must learn how to laugh at itself. Hey John, when you make a joke of yourself I’m the one laughing the loudest and I really love you.

    Paul F. Pietrangelo

  33. Linda S says:

    Dear John (Thank you for everything you do)
    Just got back from the Carnival Spirit; nine wonderful days of warm weather but cold water. I will be missing this wonderful ship when she goes down under. I gave Stu his survival kit and the survival kit for St. Jude children. I would like to start this review by telling you that Stu wished he was a fly on the wall when you handle the incident on the Carnival Splendor in November. He said he would have learned so much from you. Not only do your blog friends respect your talent but your co-workers also. What a big compliment. Entertainment on the cruise was great, so many things to do. By the way, I won my ship on the stick.
    First I would like to give big kudos to my invisible room stewardess, Ayu. She tidied the room (5236), left us a different towel animal every night, and chocolates when she turned down the bed. I do believe that Carnival provides the cloak of invisibility to the room steward/stewardess. Dining room: What a wonderful table #224. The dining staff was very attentive and the singing and dancing was great. My favorite bar waiter (out of 20 cruises) was on this cruise his name is Putu Suarthana. My dinner drink was always ready for me with the most beautiful smile. Lastly, the maitre d was very attentive and concerned about his dining room and guest. Short story: I was eating the stuff mushrooms and bite into a hard object, I thought it was my tooth, but no a huge piece of china. After swallowing half of it and I took the other piece to him, just for the protection of others. I told him I was OK and really wanted to good back to the table, but no he walked me to the infirmary. The nurse (can’t think of her name) was great. Since I’m in the medical field we did the assessment together, and I ensured her that I will bring the china in a cup when I see it again, she said no thank you. Engineering Department was right on top of things. Our toilet was leaking, I reported it and within 5 minutes they came up to fix it. I wish we had this kind of service at home.
    Overall ….. A GREAT Time and Cruise

  34. Leah says:

    Let’s see, John, if I count correctly, I get an even 10 “pleases” in your response to the “please-less” request of Amy O. Sadly, a lot of us will get it, but I am guessing you were still far too subtle for the Amy O’s of the world. So, Amy O, if you bother to read replies, let me just say what John is far too polite to say. Please, develop some manners. And please try to use words like “please” and “thank you” – it’s not hard to do, and if you ever DO learn some manners, those words can even come from you without a conscious effort. Frankly I am glad for those sailing on your cruise. I think, the two of you should be seated alone-you would clearly be too rude to be good company. I do feel sorry for your dining room staff, though. Not gonna be a fun dinner seating for them, I’ll bet.

  35. Jean Paul says:

    The joke was funny. And it was adult night. I see no harm. Cant please everyone. Keep up the wonderful things you do for us.

  36. Mike Davis says:

    Hi John,
    That joke is funny ! Do not make the Adults Comedy show censored. Anyone going to this type of show should understand they might be offended and it is ok to get up and leave ( although most comics will usually make you pay for that too, I would ! ).
    Thanks for getting us set up for the Chefs Table and, hoping I don’t sound demanding could I ask you for a little help on setting up something for the wife. This cruise is for our 25th Anniversary.
    Also asking you who I would contact to set up something for our Cruise Critic roll call meet and greet. Thanks John,, Love the blog thingy !!!!

  37. Sage56 says:

    Okay John, thanks! I needed a good laugh! I have a personal cell phone (A Blackberry) which I love and seems to work no matter where I am. I have a work cell phone (yep the dreaded iphone) … That phone works but because of the carrier I drop calls a lot so most that want to talk to me especially when I travel call my personal phone… Can’t type on the iphone either, I have finger nails… something iphone hates.

    As far as the joke…. what the heck is the point of having an adult uncensored comedy act if you have to censor it? If you only got one complaint… consider yourself lucky, or consider the source… that person would probably have found something to complain about! Have a good night and a better tomorrow!

  38. SuzieQ says:

    I’m sitting here wondering if “AMY O” got the please hint ?????? John you crack me up !!!!!1
    Hey Amy did you get the hint ????? I sure hope so…
    A Please or Thank You, it’s really easy to say !!!!!!!

  39. Kathy M. says:

    Hi John,

    I think that Mr.Cahill knows you well enough that it was a typo and not what you meant, and I bet he will tease you about it for a long time to come.

    To Janice Longthorn, you sure have a lot of nerve, John fulfilled your requests but you still not satisfied, so in the future if you want a Carnival Fruit Basket ORDER YOUR OWN AND DON’T ASK JOHN FOR IT, because you probably would not be satisfied and want something different.

  40. Chris Yust says:

    Uncensored is uncensored. If the man was offended that’s his problem. Next time he needs to go to sleep or go get pizza or…..lots of other things to do at midnight on a Carnival Cruise.

  41. John. Regarding the shipboard Internet connections, one option when in port could be to switch the connections to utilize land based bandwidth where available. Even when anchored off shore, there are several line-of-sight technologies that might be an improvement to using the bird. If all ships had land based options when in port, maybe that would help ships still at sea. Of course you choices of bandwidth will vary based on the island.

    I only have one “favor” to ask from you in exchange for the suggestion, please do NOT provide My Cabin, The Piano Bar, or The Cigar Bar (sorry) with lightening fast speeds. Being in the Data Telecom Industry, I do not want to be connected when enjoying my favorite cruise activities (which are everything). The first thing we lock up in the safe are the Eyephones, Rasberries, and the rest of them.

    Well ….. Cruise Well my friend. Cheers. Bill and Bunny

  42. Chuck says:

    John, as for the eye phone, I hate the auto correct too but I unfortunately spell so bad that you would be reading gibberish without it right now. Turning it off for a second, huked on fonics worked great! As for the joke, you should tell him not to use it again, not because it’s offensive because offensive is funny, but because it wasn’t funny. Have fun with my parents bee and Charlie on the blogged cruise!

  43. Mike says:

    The text to Cahill had me falling out of my chair laughing! I have read everyday (except the 7 days I was on a cruise) since the Splendor…you are very entertaining.

  44. kristine slough says:

    John, my hi-tech husband just a belly laugh about your Eyephone!

  45. Del Robinson says:

    Good day sir. I have recently started reading your thingy for our upcoming cruise and can’t believe the numbers of nitwits that want things for free. Do you have to spend your time answering these morons? My wife and I are cruising on the Legend on 4/3 and I have bleeding hemmoroids, could you arrange a special pillow by a window. And my wife has a glass eye, could the captain lean the ship to the left so everything stays level. Good God I couldn’t do your job. Well maybe for a day and then I’d get canned for duct taping someone rotten kid. If you are on board, stop by cause I’d love to buy you a cocktail.

    Is “bullocks” acceptable in all social settings?

    Safe sailing.

  46. Lizz Mehegan says:

    Hysterical. I just emailed it to at least 110 people.

  47. Tracy Gorman says:

    Your story about Mr. Cahill was awesome. That’s all I have to say tonight.
    Sleep well.

  48. Greg w. says:

    The P. C. police need to stay off the ships. If a comedy club has to be p.c. then everybody will be siyying around lokking at each other.

    You are something else and keep it up.
    Greg w.

  49. Jennifer Weston says:

    John, stick with the Iphone; you will get used to it. The Blackberry will be going out before too long. I just changed over to an Iphone from a Blackberry. I’m still getting used to it, but I like it. It’s just so much more advanced from the Blackberry. The text you sent to your boss….hilarious! I’m sure he knows you well enough, and he shook it off. On the internet issue, I have to agree. It’s really aggravating to pay for internet, but then for it to be so slow. I do hope that they find a solution for it soon. I LOVE reading your blog, and look forward to it daily. You make my day! I do hate seeing some on here that only post wanting something from you. Your blog isn’t the “Price is Right”! You aren’t awarded a prize just because you come on here. Gosh people, John does this blog for information and a favor to us…….not to give away prizes!

  50. Danyel says:

    Funny stuff!

  51. Sarah Oxfurth says:

    Upset about that joke is plain and simply absurd. It’s ap lay on words-and a rather amusing one at that. I don’t know that I’d “ROFL” at it, but I sure as hell would not be “offended.”

    Bottom line folks….OFFENSE IS TAKEN, NOT GIVEN. The end.

  52. mehyder says:

    Here’s somthing that is funny and on topic (blackberry, etc.):


  53. Linda Youse says:

    Some people never cease to amaze me! They ask for things, you give them things, and they are still not happy. Good God, go to the buffet, pick out the fruit you want, take it back to your cabin and enjoy your “fruit basket”!
    The eye phone message had me cracking up. I too have an eye phone and totally understand how the auto correct function can get you in big trouble.
    Please don’t censor the comedians! If you don’t like it walk out.
    John, you had me laughing at how many times you could use PLEASE in one reply. I’m willing to bet she just didn’t get it. If nothing else it was good for a chuckle.
    When I need a good laugh I read your blog thingy. It doesn’t even have to be a current one. I go back and read old ones just for the laughs. You are just too funny and I agree with whoever said you should write a book. It would be a best seller in no time.
    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, keep us laughing for a long time….PLEASE! LOL

  54. Hi John… I’m a huge fan of “Eyephones” and I found this “blog thingy” very amusing today. Thank you for giving me a good laugh to start the day off.

    About the comedy act… There will also be people complaining and it would not surprise me if that old fart complained about everything onboard. Now he knows not to watch the comedian’s acts again. Why should the rest of us suffer because of one old fart who thought the joke was not funny?

    Love your blog and I read it as soon as it pops up on my Google Reader thingy.

    Bon Voyage
    Christo Gaybba

  55. Yet another brilliant blog entry. As much as I’d love to work for the cruise industry and garner the popularity you have – I truly believe there is only one John Heald!

    Keep up the fantastic (and endless) job you do… we appreciate it!

  56. BabsieR says:

    It’s a comedy show, adult and uncensored. What do people think that means? Some people should just stay in their stateroom.

  57. Jodi says:

    Eyephone-omg! John I thought you and I were the last 2 sane people on earth. Get your Raspberry back, NOW! Oh and how about a sense of humour test before one walks through the door to an “uncensored, adult” show. Good grief!

  58. Rob Shay says:

    John, The guy who complained needs to grow up, and stop thinking the world revoles around him. I’m a big ole boy like yourself, and fat jokes come hot & HEAVEY round here. Feel your pain bout the low toliet, take it from another big boy Tall also 6’4″ get the handicap room>

  59. Jacqueline says:

    That joke is hilarious, even I got the clue :))
    Dont ever censore the jokes.
    To the complaining peeps, religions, nationalities, animals, whatever, will always be subject to jokes. If you cant have that, you need to relax and remember: don’t take life too seriously, it is not permanent 🙂

    The txt to mr. Cahill is a hoot 😀
    I am happy with my samsung ….

    Keep the jokes coming.


  60. I thought the joke was hilarious come on people get a life. It’s a joke I’ve heard worse on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Loved your response to Amy O. It’s amazin’ how people these days forget the words please and thankyou. I gotta say though that text to Cahill had me laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair!!!! THANKS another great blog! PLEASE take care of yourself. See ya’ in Nov. when the Magic comes to Galveston.

  61. Brent Grinnell says:

    John I have the same confession. My girlfriend got me one for Christmas. I never though I would need or want one. I love it. I can check out your Facebook rants now anytime and I can always play Angry Birds…


  62. Travis Cameron says:

    Seriously, the guy goes to an uncensored comedy show then feigns offense?
    The joke is funny.
    Censorship, on the other hand, is terrifying!

  63. Michelle says:

    dear john:

    another wonderfully written blog thingy. i laughed out loud about the sext and the toilet height problems. i’m tall and everything seems too low lately…especially if i’m wearing heals. i’ve been debating between the eyephone and raspberry for my next phone. i would certainly hate to accidently send a “sext” message. as for the joke, it took me a minute to figure it out. i changed walking his sheep to something less clean and understood it. i think you have to let the comedians continue to use their uncensored material at an advertised uncensored adults only show.

    now as for amy o = wow the audacity (amy that means boldness) how dare you be so rude and mannerless when asking for a favor. i hope john’s reply to you has taught you these three words that seem to be missing from your vocabulary…please and thank you.

    now janice lanthorn = how ungateful you are. a gift is a gift. john didn’t have to send you anything. he sent you a little something to your room. you have slighted john with your attitude. you need to apologize and maybe send him a fruitbasket.

    have a brilliant day


  64. V Star says:

    The Uncensored/Adults Only show is clearly marked and advertised on the Carnival ships. The person should have know from the name that there would be profanity and offensive material used. I do not believe he/she has cause to complain.

    Get a life, people!

  65. Jeff says:

    That’s a funny joke! And it was adult, uncensored comedy night, right? So the comedians should have free feign to say whatever they want. Those easily offended can go to bed. But then again, I wish you dared to be more offensive! For what it’s worth, Ralphie May is by far my favorite comedian, and he targets everyone.

  66. Jessica H. says:

    I have been on 3 Carnival sailings to date with a 4th one planned in March (that I will be sharing with my husband who just returned from Afghanistan, my infant daughter, and my parents). I am shocked that I have not discovered your blog previously but am so pleased to have found it now. Thank you for kick starting my morning with audible laughter and daydreams of our upcoming cruise on the Freedom. And thank you to your many followers who are providing such valuable sailing tips!

    Best regards,
    Jessica H.

  67. Sarah says:


    I happen to love the waiters singing and dancing and I can’t believe you complained about not getting a fruit basket! By the way, there is an unlimited fruit basket on board. It’s called the lido deck buffet.

    The Norlands,

    It’s really not a big deal to just ask your room steward. We asked ours and he just told us where we could safely put the items so that we wouldn’t get charged for them. Also, keep in mind that the cost for a soda is the same as from a bar only without the tip. A please and thank you wouldn’t kill you either.

    John, I loved your response to Amy O! Is getting a certain table really life or death?

    Personally, I didn’t think the joke was offensive and laughed. It was an uncensored comedy show. If you’re easily offended, it’s probably best if you don’t attend. I attended several of the adult comedy shows on my last cruise and appreciated that they didn’t hold back so as not to offend those of a sensitive nature.

    • Sarah says:

      Also, we only left one of the adult comedy shows. It wasn’t because we were offended. It was because it was the same act and jokes we’d seen before and it wasn’t very funny. No big deal. We just went and did something else.

  68. Kim says:

    If you don’t like a joke then leave and don’t go back. On our recent Ecstasy cruise one of the comedians was so brash. Did not care for his type of humour (sp) therefore we didn’t go back to any of his other shows. In my opinion and only my opinion you have to be a little careful about religious jokes and some are just not funny. This comedian had a joke about a Muslim and an airplane and honestly it was just bad. I couldn’t believe he told it, just because it was a Texas cruise doesn’t mean we didn’t have Muslim’s sailing. We had a very nice Muslim family beside us at dinner and behind us I can’t imagine how they must have felt if they were in the theater at the time. And then he started on the mentally challenged and we had a whole group of these wonderful adults on their annual cruise so in my opinion very disrespectful. I am sure others thought he was too funny but I didn’t care for him, I didn’t complain about him the ACD was sitting right there I am sure if he felt he crossed the line then he would have given his opinion if warranted. I don’t remember his name, I didn’t like him and I felt the hour I sat listening to him was a waste of my time but it surely didn’t ruin my cruise or even my night!

  69. gman0119 says:

    Janice Longthorn in my honest opinion is an ungrateful person!!! I have been on 4 cruises, with the 5th on just a couple days away, and have NEVER asked for freebies from John or anyone else. John is not under contract to give anyone anything!!! If you aren’t satisfied with what he did, and want more, please spare us your complaints and sorrows. The correct title for this person would be censored, so I won’t use the word that fits…

  70. gman0119 says:

    As far as the joke, I just can’t support censorship. Comedians have always offended. If people can’t take it, they shouldn’t be there. I have NEVER seen censorship work for the good of the majority. The censored item will still exist, and will start attracting people just because it is censored… Also, if you stop jokes about Islam, then you better stop them about all religions, races, sexes, and anything else that could be considered offensive. I’ve heard a million “bald” jokes, and been pointed at by the comedian telling them, but I laugh as hard as the rest. I’ve seen my religion joked about by almost every comedian, but I know they mean it as a joke. If they don’t, it’s just there opinion…

    People need to relax, roll with the punches, and realize that there is no such thing as going through life without being picked on, joked about, or something else that will offend you. That’s just life.

  71. Jeri R Green says:

    “Me and my boyfriend” Good grief! She has no manners and very little,if any, education. Hopefully she reads all the comments and will at least learn to say “please” and “thank you.”
    Regarding the joke: An uncensored comedy show means it is to be uncensored.

  72. Julie Anne Husbands says:

    In an uncensored/adult show, I think the joke should be allowed (I didn’t find it at all funny, but that’s just me).
    When I was on the Legend last year there was an extremely unfunny comedian who went on and on about his alcohol problems, and that was the family show! Now HE needs to have his act censored!

  73. George(notmedad)P. says:


    In the immortal words of Larry the Cable Guy, “That thar’s funny that is, I don’t care who you are.”


  74. Jana Ragogna says:

    Hi John,

    My husband and I (32 years married) are taking our first cruise on the Carnival Dream (April 2, 2011). We are very excited! I would like to do something special for him as he is retiring after 35 Years with Toronto Police. Would it be possible to get a dinner at the Captains’ table one evening? Anything would be appreciated. As I said, we are excited but I’m also anxious as I have a disability that affects my balance. I know my limits but I’m willing to try. What excursions do you recommend with someone with mobility problems? ( walking long distances, uneven pavement etc. – walk with a cane). This is an odd question but I have to cover the bases – does the Dream have wheelchairs available? Thanks for your help.

  75. Liznphil says:

    Which part of JOKE is not understood by the general population? I beleive in laughing at myself, it is way less stressful to do that then go through life with such a serious look at things…may that is why time flies so fast for me…as in “Time flys when your having fun”. Lighten up people, If you can’t take a joke, don’t go to the comedy club…sheezzz

  76. Debra says:

    I love comedians who can make me laugh. Not many do…(besides John) but I think if a comedian tells a joke, his answer will be with the response of the audience if it is a joke worth telling a second time around. On the Dream last April (cant remember the comedian’s name) tried to joke about a priest as a pedofile or something to that affect, and the crowd snarled and boohed him. Whether the joke was meant to go over this way, or he didnt realize the majority of audience might have been offended, or people felt he crossed over the line, I do know he was no longer funny and people didnt laugh much after. He also was quiet on stage for a few seconds after the audience’s response. Hence, why I probaby did not remember his name. Being a comedian you take risks. Not everyone will always like you but you can always change your material.

  77. Suzanne says:

    As to the joke, I think if you’re an adult choosing to go to an adults-only, uncensored show, you should put your big boy pants on and deal with whatever is said. Or don’t go. Or if you’re that offended, leave. But you don’t go complaining about it. You chose to go, you can choose to stay or leave but other than that, grow up and behave like an adult.

  78. 4shee says:

    John: Just wanted to say Hi and find out when are we going to find out the schuelde of events for the bloggers cruise this Sunday. Can’t what for the trip to starte and see everbody. Will be glad to get out of this weather for awhile and enjoy the sun. Let us all know.

  79. KathyG says:

    The joke was a play on words. It was funny once I got it. 😉 What is offensive is rude, ungrateful people.
    I won’t own anything that starts with an “eye” either, just because everybody has to have it. Plus I’m not tempted to buy any accessories that they seem to offer “eye” users.

  80. MrPete says:

    Re: the JOKE

    I imagine the guy that complained didn’t get it.

  81. Melissa Perry says:

    Please don’t censor the comedians! It will only lead to more censorship. I think the old saying is “If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.” We sailed on the Carnival Triumph in December with our 3 children. We had a rare opportunity to see one of the late night comedy shows ( a little adult time for us!) and we loved it! If you tell this comedian they can’t thell “this” joke and that comedian they can’t tell “that” joke, pretty soon you have no need for a comedy club.

  82. Jennifer says:

    While on the Splendor last fall, one of the comedians made a few jokes about illegal immigrants. My husband and I were offended, but then the comedian told a number of jokes that were just plain funny, and the prior joke was not representative of his political views. A number of people walked out of both performances (all ages and adult) that we saw, but many really enjoyed him.

    I think that half the fun of going to a comedy show is seeing if something can surprise or offend you. My guess is that if you start censoring your comedians, you will lose entertainment value. And, Carnival might decide to start censoring our beloved friend John.

  83. Rita Presnell says:

    To Janice Longthorn….what a selfish, self-centered “biddy” you are. You got champagne, trophies for the rugrats…and you wanted more????? You are a real piece of work!

    Amy O…..were you raised in a barn with the cattle? Do you not know how to ask graciously?

    That’s why it’s called a Comedy Club!!!! You poke fun at everything and everybody!!!!!! “If you can’t take the heat get out of the kitchen”

  84. Mike from VA says:


    In response to Janice Iwantmore Longthorny, I appreciate what you did but why did you not do more my arse ! ! ! Why is it when you receive a gift can people be so ungrateful and want MORE. I love the dancing and singing in the dining room…. don’t like to dress up but I do for the GREAT FOOD, SERVICE & ENTERTAINMENT ! ! ! ! !

    Do I get a 100% GOLD PLATED PLASTIC SHIP ON A STICK plz plz plz…… what about a bronze & chrome one too……..

    Mike from VA

  85. William Jordan says:

    At least Gerry had a nice cabin!

  86. doc says:

    yo John
    been reading your blog for a couple of weeks….great stuff.

    couple thoughts: GO ANDROID….have avoided the “magic-eye” phone myself…loved my crackberry Storm……but ANDROIDS do it all and can still stay away from “it”.

    no charge internet access for personal computers would be reasonable, but will overload the carrier as it is at the moment, I guess.

    Jokes are jokes….but you shouldn’t have made that guy stay there and listen. He told you he didn’t like “adult” stuff and you FORCED him to listen….!

    Hope the Splendor is still truckin’ along…have a group going out on her in two weeks……
    fun time here on the blog!

  87. Helene Barnes says:

    Again brilliant writing! First about the comedian, SERIOUSLY?? It was the Adult Show that means exactly what it says. If you think you might be offended by something – DON’T GO! I really get annoyed with folks who believe things should be changed because they are offended by speech. If you are warned and chose to stay – you are fair game! As to the eyephone comments – 1 word – DROID. I have the motorolla DROID X that Verizon has and it is a fantastic phone. Large screen – easy keyboard to text on – (not saying I’m old but my 50 yr old eyes can’t see those small keys any longer) Love this phone, and I was an avid crackberriest (yes I have invented that noun to describe the crackberry users – see the urban dictionary 😉 I also found that if you call your subscriber and switch to the international plan just for the month you are going to be on your cruise then you will have email and pretty good coverage and it should cost you about $35 for the month. Most smart phone plans have unlimited browsing and email, so maybe try that. As usual always a pleasure to read your stuff – and THANK YOU for all that you do!

    • Helene Barnes says:

      Oh sorry and I forgot to say to Janice and her “slighted feelings” – GET OVER YOURSELF! Sheeeez like one blogger said, the lido deck has an unending fruit basket. I myself think just maybe you have had to many “fruit baskets” in your lifetime and are starting to emulate the contents! As for the waiters I think it is awesome that they take the time to learn something to entertain us diners. I love cruising and I love CARNIVAL!

  88. Mike from VA says:

    I don’t like the CARNIVAL GLORY so much that my 1st 3 CCL cruises were on her or is it that I LOVE HER. Can’t remember which due to old age and being laughed at for which you JOHN caused ! ! ! ! THanks for that too by the way. Just remeber you are not the only BIG white boy by your own admission i am BIG AS A HOUSE ! ! ! ! !. CARNIVAL GLORY is awesome in fact …… I haven’t found a bad CARNIVAL ship yet….. I am still trying to find one with my never give up on CARNIVAL attitude. Hurry up 3/5/11 I can’t wait until I can be living my GLORY (3) & FASCINATION by celebrating my LIBERTY, VALOR, & TRIUMPH in my FREEDOM (2) on “MY CARNIVAL DREAM in 9 more days ! ! ! ! !

    Maybe some MAGIC will get me on all the CARNIVAL ships

    Yabba dabba do

  89. Kathy Preis says:

    John, I agree with what appears to be a concensus: If you don’t like the act, leave the room. I admit that I’ve walked out on acts because I wasn’t enjoying the moment…my own personal opinion/tastes dictate what I believe is enjoyable but I don’t want to dictate what might be enjoyable to someone else. As has already been noted, the shows are rated (PG, R, X) to “warn” people and I’ve even seen “Some jokes may be offensive” printed in the Capers/Fun Times announcements. I don’t read remarks made by professional or non-professional critics, because I prefer to experience life and make up my own mind. I do NOT want anyone to censor what I choose to hear, read or view. I believe what my daddy used to say is true, “If God didn’t want us to laugh at each other, why did he make us look so damn funny!”

  90. aly says:

    John if you are still in Miami tomorrow or whenever you are here, email me and I will take you to a good cuban restaurant. You helped me out with a table for 2 last year so I would love to return the favour.

  91. Catherine Thomas says:

    I just wanted to say that I did a B2B cruise on Jan 23 and 30th on the Glory. The ship was beautiful, the staff was always cleaning something. Our room stewards were friendly and very professional. Our room was always kept so clean. The dining room…well…I have a few dietary problems and knew that things would be okay…I didn’t know that they would be out of this world. From the top to the bottom everyone in the dining room made my dining experience just that and experience. I had the most delightful meals as well as desserts which I didn’t think I would have the chance to have. I felt so pampered and cared for. We had a wrap balcony and had 2 problems. One on each sailing. Both were taken care of right away. Faster than I thought. Would I sail the Glory a minute.

  92. Jason says:

    We need to ask ourselves “How politically correct is too politically correct?”

    Just returned from a cruise. I wasn’t offended by the Adult Comedy Club jokes at all. I do not appreciate adult jokes, so I picked one of the other hundreds of fun things to do on a cruise and skipped the Adult Comedy Club entirely.

    It is easy to get an (embarrassed) laugh using naughty “shock” humor. A real comedian is the one who can get a laugh without it.

  93. Jacquie G says:

    Hi John,

    Am I to understand that if I offer up platitudes, speak sweetly & reverently, politely flatter and maybe tell a joke while standing upon my head that you might be able to reach the Maitre D’ on the Sensation prior to my March 20th sailing to request a table for 2 (early seating) for my husband and I? (Cabin M70)

    Why you are the kindest, sweetest, most honourable, funniest, best, darned tootinest, super duperest Senior Cruise Director I ever did come across! (Table for 2 or not!)

    Thanks Buddy!
    Jacquie G

  94. Mary says:

    Hi John,
    We just got off the Carnival Freedom 2/12 thru 2/20 and had a great time. The Team on that ship were the best we have ever had and we have sailed 5 times with Carnival. We missed you as our cruise director. I have always enjoyed your humor and you always keep us up to date with the ports, weather, etc. Your morning show is always filled with dedications and information. That is something that should be worked on with other cruise directors.
    One thing that I hope Carnival looks into is one of the shore excursions that we went on. In Panama we went to the Embera Indian Experience—-it is all fake! The way it was described to us was that it was a true living village….This particular one is NOT! We expressed our concerns to the Shore excursion desk and we were not the only ones to feel that way. We did get a partial refund. I think it is a worthwhile excursion but it needs to be describe differently—-perhaps as a cultural center or a replica of a Embera Indian Village. But all in all this was one of our best cruises and it was the break we needed form this never ending winter!!!

  95. Ashley says:

    I was about to call you a traitor and yelling NNNNOOOOOOOO in my head when I got to the part finally that said you were giving it back and going back to the raspberry – thank you! 🙂

    Sleep soundly knowing you made the right choice! 🙂

  96. Amanda says:

    you, my friend are one the funniest people on the face of this earth. In fact you are the reason I decided to go on a Carnival cruise- well that and the fact that basically the only other cruise line (HAL) that leaves the west coast! I am very excited for my first carnival cruise! It leaves the 28th of March!!! woohoo!!!!

  97. Wyldjim says:

    Hahaha, well speaking of iPhone it is my main form of computing. I was lol over the sex comment. I just booked a quick 3 day cruise on the Paradise march 4 th U209.

    We are doing the 9 day on spirit April 1 but just couldn’t wait. I was playing phone tag with Cynthia P our CCL cruise councilor. I finally got ahold of her at work and booked a quikie cruise to tide us over. We were sending email (on the iPhone) while trying to call. Made the reservation and she sent confirmation email. “Hell Jim, welcome aboard!”

    I responded, “Well, Hell to you too!;)”

    To say she was apologetic in her response is an understatement.

    I responded, “Not to worry, I assumed you spoke with John Heald and he informed you I was we on my way!” computers can not be trusted, but they are good for a great laugh!;)

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