The “I Want To Be Italian” Blog

April 7, 2011 -

John Heald

I love Italian men because they just don’t care what others think. Take the Italian Fincantieri executive I saw yesterday. He was wearing tight, bright red trousers, the buttons of his double breasted yellow jacket taking the strain of a stomach that was bigger than mine. He looked absurd or at the very least, you or I would have looked absurd wearing the same outfit but somehow he looked ……. well, normal, here in Italy.

But that’s Italy, one of the last places on God’s green earth where a man can actually be…..a man. OK, he may love his mama but outside of that, Italy is a man’s country where bottom pinching and prime ministers that have rumpy pumpy parties with prostitutes is considered by most to be just part of living La Dolce Vita.

But Italy as I said is different and as I have said before here on the blog thingy, to be born an Italian man is like winning life’s lottery……..while being born a Frenchman……..not. I know it’s wrong to condone what Silvio Berlusconi did but let’s face it Italian men like rumpy pumpy. Italian men need rumpy pumpy just as you or I need food and water.

Italy’s top dog Silvio Berlusconi’s alleged “bunga-bunga” girls are said to have attended lavish parties, some enjoying gifts of loads of money, diamonds and cars. What did the girl of John Prescott, the UK’s former Deputy Prime Minister, get for her trouble? A few shags on an old sofa in an apartment above a fish and chip shop.

But this amazing country has given us so much hasn’t it? It’s almost impossible to eat anywhere in the western world and not eat Italian. Although Italians will tell you that all pasta cooked north of the Alps is a big insult to their mothers. Italy is a place we should all desire to live before we all bugger off to heaven or hell.

Oh to enjoy the four-hour lunches under an awning of olive and grape vines. Lady bloggers …… surely you want to live in a place where you will get constant wolf whistling from Vespas whether you look like Bo Derek or Bo Diddley. The long family dinners and the arguments that end in hugs and kisses and not divorce. And the fact that it is considered rude not to drink wine or grappa at lunchtime.

I have lived and worked with Italians since the very first day I walked on the Holiday in 1987 and I have learnt what they like and what they don’t. What they don’t like is our obsession with the mafia. We love the mafia. Italians hate us for it and I remember Captain Sartori getting very mad at me when he heard me mention the word while on the bridge of the Carnival Fantasy many years ago. And now as I have gotten to know Italians better I understand why they hate it.

Imagine loads of films, television programs and books written about America, but only about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky……I think they are just fed up with it. It’s interesting that I have yet to meet any Italian who has seen The Sopranos and the ones who have seen it …………. thought it was a comedy.

I love Italy. It’s beautiful, elegant, tasty, extravert, sexy, naughty, exciting and like no other country in the world. They build great cars and the best cruise ships in the world. They live their lives in a sunnier, happier, more fun place than I do. They are unique and I think that deep down …………….. every man wants to be……………….. Italian.

Time for today’s Q and A………….here we go.

Eric T. Asked:
John, Please Reply

I’ve sent you questions/comments at least 4 times since my cruise in September but never got a response. I will ask you my question from my last submission as we may want to explore this option this fall. We may want to go on a back to back 3/4 day cruise on the Imagination. The Carnival rep seemed uncertain when she gave me an answer. My question is, are we required to get off the ship and go into the terminal after the first cruise? If so, do we get to go right back on after clearance or do we have to wait until the ship is cleared for all new passengers to board?

Thanks, Eric

John Says:
Hello Eric T,

My apologies for the delay in responding to your concerns. On back to back cruises our guests do have to go to the terminal to pass through United States Immigration but do not have to go through the whole check in process again. Once the inspector has seen your passport you will be escorted back to the ship and after having your security photo taken again there is nothing else for you to do. I hope this helps you decide to join us again and my apologies once more for not getting back to you earlier.

Best wishes,


Janice Hock Asked:
Dear Mr John Heald – REPLY URGENTLY

My partner and I are a proud lesbian couple who have cruised with NCL on the Norwegian Dawn and were treated with respect by the staff and the passengers. Nobody seemed to care or look twice at Suzann and me as we strolled round the ship holding hands and kissing. I understand from the Cruise Critic gay connection web page that your are Carnival’s company ambassador and that’s why I am writing to you. We are considering a summer vacation on the Miracle ship and would like to know if you can guarantee that we will receive the same kind of treatment as we got on NCL cruise line. Is Carnival gay friendly? Thank you for your prompt reply which will help us decide to book with you.

John Says:
Hello Janice Hock,

I am very glad that you found me so that I am able to promise you that Carnival treats all guests to the same fun and brilliant service regardless of race, religion, creed, colour or sexual orientation. We will have Friends of Dorothy meetings where gay and lesbian guests meet and make new friends. So please book that cruise and I promise you that both of you will have the best of times. Please let me know if you have any questions.

Best wishes


Agent Dotski Asked:
John, can you please respond if you have a chance?

You mentioned Bon Voyage gifts which reminded me of something. There used to be a travel agent specific section on there where we could purchase gifts for our clients at a special rate. This was great considering it seems that we are constantly sending clients for anniversaries, birthdays, honeymoons etc and of course we want to send a little something special onboard. So with that kind of volume, it was nice to get a bit of a break so it didn’t break the bank. Would you be so kind as to pass along that message to the beard? I know I’m not the only travel agent that would appreciate it!

Enjoy the Splendor – I really wish that I could be there on the 19th! But…a booking season here on the opposite end of North America from where she will be is keeping me hopping. Oh well, “busy” keeps me travelling! Heading out to play with Ryan again on the Freedom at the start of May!

Thanks John!


John Says:
Hello Agent Dotski,

Always good to hear from you and the fact that you mentioned my return to the Carnival Splendor shows just how behind I am in my replies. Anyway, I remember that part of Bon Voyage and I am happy to tell you that the new Senior Vice President Gus has told me that he is building a new Bon Voyage page with loads of new products to purchase of yourself and others. Now, I will definitely bring this part up to Gus as I think we should honour our travel agent partners and give them a break on the prices. So thanks Dotski and I will let you know what happens. Best wishes and hope to see you soon.


Dave Vigue Asked:
Dear John, (Please Reply)

I owe you a review from our August Cruise on the Carnival Freedom. It was great, food, shows, games, service, shore excursions, all wonderful. You wanted to know about the bar service with the soda sticker. Without exception, each and every time I asked for my Diet Coke I got it with a smile. After I would say “thank you” the server would reply with a “thank you sir.” The trip you recommended to Mystic Mountain was outstanding. Great view of the water, ship, and country side. A Jamaican Women Dancer pulled me out of the crowed to do the “Bump & Grind,” and we did ride the Bob Sled coaster. Thank you for suggesting this one. Our cruise on the Carnival Freedom was nothing short of “Brilliant”. In fact, we had no complaints or problems the entire cruise. I do remember the assistant CD whose name is Sam, they called Harry Potter, was the youngest looking crew member I have ever seen, not counting Capt. Stubing’s daughter. I had asked him as we were leaving if his mother knew where he was. I hope I didn’t get him undue razzing for that. He and “Big Sexy” kept the ship fun indeed.

Now, you had asked us if we had the opportunity to cruise with another brand, not one of the Carnival brands, to give a report back. So, here it goes. Now do understand we do not go on vacation to complain. If we are going to invest in a cruise, come heck or high water we will have a good time. And we did on the RCI Enchantment of the Seas from Baltimore for 9 nights. There are some things that are worth pointing out having read comments from RCI loyal passengers. The first one that comes to mind is the blogger who said “bigger is better”, well if that is the case, after paying extra for a larger cabin, it was much smaller than the standard cabins on Pride, Freedom, Victory, etc. Next, let me say that “soda is not free”. I had a soda card, and on at least 4 nights in the theater, I ordered my diet coke, and it was not delivered.

This also was the case at the “Super Bowl Party” in the aft lounge. My wife drinks the Ice Tea, and I asked her if it was any better than the tea on the Carnival Freedom, and she said it was the same. It wasn’t available till after 11:00 am, so she made her own in the morning. They said we couldn’t bring any plastic bottles or cans on in Port Canaveral. Now as for the coffee on Lido, it was very good, during the day, or shall I say after 6:45 am. It seems that they do not make fresh hot coffee until 6:30, and there were several of us early risers who were looking for a hot cup of coffee. This leads me to another thing that I thought was rather dumb. We were cruising from Baltimore in January, and the open decks for the beginning and ending days of the cruise were of course COLD. So, why in the world would they shut down the Windjammer (Lido Café). Several times throughout the day, and early in the morning, as well as in the evening. Do they not understand that most of the guests are “Senior’s”, I do know for a fact, that Carnival has the lido café open all 24 hours. And it is a great place to unwind with friends if you don’t want the noise of the clubs, or, maybe play a card game.

The food was not any better than Carnival, it was good, but I wouldn’t call it better. Our Cabin Steward, waiter, and assistant waiter were wonderful. I never did here them sing in the dining room, and no mint on the pillow. I think people are confused as to who cut out the “Deal Breaking Mint”. No big deal to me, as they were nice to see on my Fun Ship cruise, they only collected on the desk. Oh and one more thing about the cabin, I never remember being a bath towel short because of the towel creations. To “Save A Wave” they are tight with bath towels.

They pointed out the live band on stage, and then did an entire production show, with the singers and dancers using recorded music. The band was nowhere to be found, and being a musician, I can tell the difference. The singers were good, the fly on was good, but the dance costumes were, well let’s just say, not up to Carnival, and the 2 production shows were not memorable.

The “Super Bowl Party” was in the main theater, a mid ship bar, and the Aft Lounge. We showed up to the aft lounge for the game expecting snacks and party food. They had nacho chips and salsa, sour cream. No wings, chili, cheese or any hot food at all. They said it was in front of the theater at the other end of the ship. “Poor Planning” if you ask me. But do remember, with all these differences, I would say we did have a great time. The weather was perfect, and the Captain was like having a second CD. His name is Capt. Rob, and he is from Rhode Island USA. What a delight his mid day announcements from the bridge were. He and the hotel manager on our first of 2 sea days back to Baltimore hosted a Q & A in the main theater that started at 2:45 pm and lasted till 4:30. The theater was full, and I learned so much from his answers. He had some quick one-liner’s. And nobody on the ship called Carnival “Wal-Mart” Not once, he did however call one of the ships the Carnival Irritation. Based on Carnival’s success, and the Carnival Legend and Enchantment in Cozumel, I can relate. (You were there)

Now, to wind things up, and I know I have been long, but I take your request seriously. If there is one thing that I can pass on to you and the beards in Miami, it is this. I don’t know how you can pull this off, but on “turn around day” in Baltimore, during the cold weather months, something needs to be done during check in not to send everyone to the lido deck for lunch. A cutoff would be good, and send the later people to the dining room for lunch. Enchantment is no different than the Carnival Pride this way, there are only so many seats and tables inside on lido, cabins are not ready until after 1:30, and it is too cold to sit outside with a hot lunch. Please John, if we take a cruise on the Carnival Pride next winter, I wouldn’t want to experience what I did on our first day on Enchantment. First impressions are lasting impressions. Just like your welcome aboard show, it can set the tone for the week. I know that being Carnival Platinum we will be among the first to board, but not everyone is given that opportunity.

Keep up the good work and calm seas to you on the new Carnival Magic. Reading your blog is one of the best parts of my day. I will be in touch before our July Fun Ship Cruise.

Dave Vigue

John Says:
Hello Dave Vigue,

I want to thank you for taking the time to write this review. Although I often have some good natured fun at other lines expense I think it would be inappropriate to comment on your brilliant review except to say that I am sure that everyone here found it fascinating reading.

You know, I once asked a Carnival senior beard if I could cruise on either NCL or RCI so I could see what their product was like and what maybe I could learn from. This was years ago — pre-blogging days — but I was told that I wouldn’t be able to do this. I found this to be a bit narrow-minded and I still want to cruise on one of the “mega ships” just for comparison’s sake. It would certainly make for some interesting blogs.

I have been getting some comments, both positive and negative, recently about Carnival’s live music and while we have made some changes we still have live orchestras in all our shows while many other lines do not. Anyway, I wish there was video of your bumping and grinding and most of all I simply happy to see that your Carnival cruise was so much fun. Thanks again and my best to you and the family.


Cruzn buckeye Asked:

Hi John. Please reply.. thanks!

Still following your blog… haven’t posted much because sadly to say I am still in a sad state over something that occurred in my life… you may recall…you and Mach helped me somewhat as far as a cruise I had booked… anyway…wanted to tell you I admire you and the crew of the Carnival Splendour… how you took such good care of your guests. Hope everything is well with you and Heidi.

As a platinum cruiser, maybe someday I will be able to get back in the cruise mode again. Do you know when you will be letting us know about the new loyalty program? I understand it is in the workings, but how about an idea of when it will be? I see other lines have redone theirs and look pretty good… just curious as I know Carnivals will be better.

Also, just read here about the new program for slots players providing free drinks for the rest of their cruise… the “on us” program…. what about the blackjack players? They often drop lots more cash in the casino than the slot players…. anything “on us” for them??

Thanks for all you do,

Cruzn Buckeye

John Says:
Hello Cruzn Buckeye,

It seems a long time since I have answered a question from you but I am so glad that you have written. I am sorry to hear about your sadness and I hope that there are happier days ahead. The new program is pretty much completed and it’s now down to the beards at IT to get the program on line but I know you will be happy with it. The “on us” slot program is very popular indeed and our brilliant SVP of Casinos Mr. Rodney is I know working on other programs for table players as well. I will keep you informed on that. I send you my very best wishes and hope to see you soon.


Linda Leach Asked:
John (Reply if you have time!)

I would like to do a review of our wonderful week on the Freedom (2/6-2/12) that ended today while everything is fresh in my mind. First off, thanks to you for the gifts and to you/Eric/Everett for the perfect table for two in Posh, our first table of our own. Jogi is the greatest maitre d’ and made our dining experience very special. Now to the beginning of our cruise: Platinum embarkation and self-assist debark were top notch. We went to the Steakhouse the first night, our first experience there. I would have a difficult time putting into words what the food was like. It was well worth the money (and more!).

I want to mention Jelena, who was one of our servers. Her boss needs to know that she is a gem. She is personable, efficient and professional. We saw her around the ship during the week and she always greeted us by name and stopped to talk. The chef came to our table during dinner to check on our meals and I thought that was a nice touch. Our room steward, Dennis (cabin 7240) kept our cabin perfect all week. He always called us by name and was just wonderful. Our head waiter, Julio, and his assistants, Roy and I Made, were the best we’ve had (table 430 Posh late). Julio is just the nicest person and I can’t wait to “friend” him on Facebook. The dancing and singing was the most fun and Jogi in his flashing light glasses was a hoot! I know I told you how much I enjoyed Dan this week. For a “newbie” he did an amazing job. He was waiting at debark at 6:20 this morning (we were second off the ship) to say goodbye to everyone. I was impressed. The rest of his gang, Calvin, Tyson and Ryan the Third, added so much fun to our week. The Liar’s Club was so much fun with them and then hubby and I participated in the Game of Love and…well, he’s not too happy with me, he says I embarrassed him! But, seriously, we had a really great week, one of the best ever. I enjoyed meeting you and talking with you for a bit. Enjoy the Splendor and BC4, and hopefully we’ll sail with you as CD one day! Oh, and I don’t want to forget to say how awesome the three shows were by the dancers and singers. Well done!!

Hi Stephanie #343!! It was so great to meet you!

John Says:

Hello Linda Leach,

Thanks so much for this wonderful review of what sounds like a brilliant cruise. I wish I could have seen your answers in the Game of Love. I will make sure that everyone sees this and that the people you mentioned get the appropriate thanks. It is reviews like these that show that Carnival continues to provide the fun we promise to give. Thanks again and please let me know if there is anything you need when you are ready to cruise again.

Best wishes,


Nurse A and Nurse H Asked:
Hello John Please Reply

I am a Cruise Critic member and was told as per this here to ask you to upgrade us and allow us VIP status for our cruise on the Legend on April 10. We are both nurses and work very hard and so would like you to help us get a suite and VIP perks please for cabin number 1106 as we are Cruise Critic.

Thanks from us both

John Says:

Hello Nurse A and Nurse H,

I had a quick look at the link and see that the chap who suggested you write to me actually added at the end “please don’t” because he was joking, of course. That’s because I cannot give upgrades. I see that you are both nurses and we all appreciate just how hard you work that I will be sending you a little something to wish you a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes to you both.


Pnjkeith Asked:
Hey John, Reply

Here is our short review on the 2/5/11 Carnival Dream sailing. Embarkation for Platinum was great, on ship in 15 minutes. Lunch at Mongolian grill was good, but lines on lido deck too long for us. Ate in dining room most days, noticed lines are smaller after 1 pm. BBQ on deck 5 was a great way to avoid lido lines on sea days. All shows we attended were great!! Punchliner had very funny comedians, they do love the “F” bomb though.

MDR dining food was good, we requested a table change. Eka at table # 229 was great, glad we changed. Thanks again for requesting table for 2. Chefs Table was great, decided to skip steakhouse this cruise as Eka provided great service! We tried a cove balcony this time, was fun but will go back up to lido and above in the future. Carnival has a great thing at Roatan, wife said it was her favorite port on this cruise. We stayed on ship at Belize stop. Disembarkation was great, no lines. Did not do self disembark, off ship by 7:15am. Butch has embark and self disembark running great. Enjoyed unexpected gifts from Butch, Thanks for your help with chefs table etc. See ya on the Magic in November. Now the Bad

Outside Cigar Bar sucks!!! Not a fan of NO indoor cigar bar. Carnival really screwed this up. Please get this fixed if you can.

Preston n Judy

John Says:
Hello Preston n Judy,

Another great review and I am glad I was able to help with your table request. I want to say once and for all that as a Carnival employee I respect the senior beards decision to put the cigar bar outside on the Dream class ships, however, as a cigar smoker I have to say I and will miss the big comfy leather chairs and the ambience of our cigar bars. See you soon and inside or out I hope we get to smoke a cigar together on your Carnival Magic. Best wishes to you both

Vicki Spearing Asked:
Please reply

I will be writing my review of our fantastic cruise tomorrow but I wanted to express the two negatives first from the Sensation. Your ice tea there is the worst I have ever tasted on our 12 Carnival cruises and then there is the use of cell phones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! John, while on a cruise I am enjoying the fun and relaxation that Carnival so wonderfully provides and then now you ruin it by letting this obnoxious cell phone user spoil it. The deck was full of people screaming down their phones and it ruined my worship of the sun. Please ban them.

The Sensation crew were excellent and our waiter Savio from India was the highlight. We had a great time but please replace the ice tea and please ban the phones. I will post my full review tomorrow. Thanks and love the blog still after all this time

John Says:
Hello Vicki Spearing,

I love your passion and you have a great point. I must admit that I hate the sound of a phone ringing will I am in a public place such as restaurants, bars and theatres. Even yesterday, I was peeing in the restaurant toilet and an Italian man next to me was holding his “cazonne” in one hand and his phone in the other.

We do in fact have the 24 hour cell phone service available on the ship but to be very honest I have never seen a complaint about phones ringing during meal times or shows. I think this is probably due to the fact that many guests don’t want to have calls during their vacation and that many also realize that the calls (received or made) are not exactly cheap.

I will say this: if it were to become a problem then we would do something about it and make areas of the ship cell phone free such as the Serenity decks and if needed make a “please turn your cell phone off” announcement before the shows. As for the ice tea, I will pass this comment up the line. Thanks for the kind words about the blog and I look forward to hearing more from you soon. I am so glad you had a wonderful cruise and my thanks to the crew of the Carnival Sensation for making it so.

Best wishes,


Well it’s getting busy and here are some of the things that are happening today on your Carnival Magic.

1. Preparations are being made to have the first group of crew move onto the ship tomorrow. This is not easy as we actually don’t own the ship yet. Remember, it still belongs to Fincantieri and they are just allowing us to stay there.

2. Each section of the ship, each locker, cabin, lounge and space has to be inspected by CCL and only when we are entirely happy with the work and the finish will we sign for this and accept it as delivered. Today I inspected the lounges and my office and there is still some work to be done before I get my pen out. The CD office is far from ready, I reckon at least another week which puts pressure on my department for sure as this is where they all work from. I will put my shoe on and promise to insert it into Luigi’s bottom if he doesn’t get a sodding move on.

3. The main theatre is a hive of activity and all of it is under the watchful eye of our Manager of Production Entertainment Mr Preston Bircher. Now I should explain that the dancers and cast do not arrive until the April 19 and are currently rehearsing three new shows in a studio in Miami. Meanwhile the scenery, the lights and other fittings are being hung and loaded. This is a huge job indeed and who better to tell you what’s happening than Preston himself…….here he is.

The last week has been really exciting as all of the finishing touches to the outfitting are being done and my lighting crew is feverishly hanging all the stage lights and “intelligent” moving lights. We had the shipyard install a giant shelf on the side of the ship where the guest embarkation gangway will be on deck-3 in the atrium so that come next Monday, we can load the 3 sea-containers full of scenery and magic illusions. The coordination with the yard and CCL personnel to get all the pieces into the theatre so that Scenery First can start assembling it all and “get it in the air.” Then costumes will do the same a week later — and all are eagerly awaiting the crowning jewel: the performers. That tells all that we’re about to take this ship and head to Venezia! (Venice for you English-speaking types!).

Here’ a photo of the special shelf attached to the ship expressly for loading the shows onboard:

4. Just a few hundred meters away sits another ship. Here is she is:

Finally today let’s talk about Cucina Del Capitano. This new feature will I have no doubt be a magnifico addition to our already expansive dining choices. Now as I mentioned in a previous blog, the quite ridiculous amount we are charging for this Italian festival of food is just $10 and $5 for bambinas.

Now…… I had leaked some of the menu items but now it’s time to unveil the full menu for the first ever time……………….here it is…………….and bon appetito.

Click here for the Cucina del Capitano Menu

Click here for the Cucina Del Capitano Dessert Menu

Some more information about this exciting restaurant:

Expected length of the meal is approx 1 hour although stay as long as you want. Reservations will be accepted through the following methods:

  • Hostess onboard in person.
  • Shipboard reservation telephone line.
  • Reservation confirmation cards will be delivered to guest staterooms on the evening prior to scheduled dinner reservation.
  • Unfortunately, I have decided not to accept reservations through the blog. The reason for this is that quite simply that with the blog, Facebook and The Chef’s Table reservations, I just don’t have the time and oh yes……..nearly forgot……..I have to bring out a new ship as well and be a cruise thingy …………… ummmm ………….. director ………….yep, that’s the word I am looking for. So, please forgive me but you will have to make reservations onboard.

The decor is amongst my favourite on the ship. I am not quite ready to show you yet as work is still being carried out. I can tell you that the design is so inviting and that most importantly the chairs………are comfortable. You know how I feel about some of the modern chairs we have on our ships. They look fantastic but are as comfortable as sitting on a cactus…….not so in the Captain’s Kitchen. And there are going to be lots of surprises on the wall……….that’s something I won’t spoil here just yet but will save for when I publish the photos. I can tell you that quite brilliantly we have decided to honour one of our first-ever captains, Carlo Chiarella, whose picture is featured on the menu……….I am sure looking down from the Captain’s Kitchen in the sky ……….. he will be so very proud.

So all of this along with a barrel of Chianti some entertainment surprises and the fun, family atmosphere ……………this really will the place to find your inner Italian. So if anyone is coming to the Carnival Magic hoping not to put on weight ………….well all I can say is “forgedabatit.”

The same can be said about living in Italy. Last night we all went for a meal in a local Monfalcone restaurant and the food just kept coming. And while us non-Italians could not believe the amounts of food served it was …….for the Italians amongst the group…….just a normal dinner that by law goes something like this.

  1. Anti Pasta Cold
  2. Drink Wine
  3. Argue
  4. Anti Pasta Hot
  5. Drink Wine
  6. Heated Argument
  7. Pasta Dish 1
  8. Drink Wine
  9. Stare at women’s bottoms
  10. Pasta Dish 2
  11. Drink Wine
  12. Argue who has the best bottom
  13. Fish
  14. Drink wine
  15. Stare at more bottoms – doesn’t matter by now if it is a man’s, woman’s or a dog’s.
  16. Meat course
  17. Drink Wine
  18. Dessert
  19. Drink Grappa
  20. Coffee
  21. Drink Grappa
  22. Kiss each other twice and bugger off to mama

Of course to an Italian, the most important element of communication are the gestures:

The way they move their hands, hold their heads, move their shoulders, their facial expressions, as well as the way they use their eyes and mouths to make themselves understood. They simply cannot talk without their hands. If they are busy doing something else, they start moving shoulders or other parts of the body for emphasis.

Italians speak very loudly in public whether on the bus, in the street or on the phone. I used to think that this was a country with the highest rate of deaf citizens in the world…..but they just like to be heard by the person they are arguing with and their friends in the next town. A lot of foreigners think they are fighting when they talk that way but it’s just the way they are and what sounds like a man telling a woman that she has the arse the size of Sicily and that his mama’s pasta tasted divine while hers tastes like a hamster’s scrotum, is in fact probably the man telling the woman that she is beautiful and that he would like to have rumpy pumpy with her in a gondola.

As today’s start of the blog mentioned I wish I had been born an Italian man and if my fellow male bloggers are honest they probably do, as well. So, let’s see if in fact your man has some “Italian” in him by taking John’s “Is He Italian?” Quiz.

How Italian is your man?

After lunch, does he drink?
a) A cappuccino
b) A Chamomile tea
c) An Espresso while gently patting the bottom of the waitress that brings it.

When driving on the autostrada, does he:
a) Drive along in the middle obeying the traffic laws to the letter.
b) Edge tentatively into the slow lane and remain there unless absolutely necessary.
c) Weave expertly through traffic, driving very close behind anyone doing less that 90 mph in the fast lane waving their hands around like Charlie Sheen on a bad day and flashing his lights until they pull over.

At what age did he leave home?
a) 18
b) 28
c) Never. He still lives with Mama and always will.

Does he regard a scooter as:
a) Fun on weekends
b) A cheap and efficient way to drive through Naples
c) An instrument of extreme manliness, especially when revved excessively at traffic lights and with its exhaust modified so as to make an ear-splitting noise and used to batter down fat British cruise directors.

How many man-bags does he own?
a) One (and it’s more of a briefcase, really)
b) None. No way.
c) 17 ……..all Dolce and Gabbana… which he keeps his man-scaper razor, a photo of mama and 127 condoms.

He is an Italian officer on the Carnival Magic. Does he wear his Paul Shark?
a) Over his shirt
b) Around his waist
c) Tied jauntily, at an angle, over his shoulders because it’s the law.

What kind of underpants does he wear?
a) Crumpled boxer shorts
b) Very tight, white Y-fronts, bought and lovingly ironed by his mother
c) His mother’s

On the beach, does he emerge from beneath his towel wearing?
a) Surfer-type shorts as made fashionable by Gerry Cahill two years ago when he rode the Flowrider in Grand Turk
b) A sensible pair of shorts
c) Tight black Speedos that look like they have a small bird in them.

Thanks for joining me on the blog today. There will be no blog tomorrow but will see you on FB.

Ciao Bella.

Your friend,


P.S Here is the link for the Carnival Splendor Fun Times.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.