Oh joy. It’s Wednesday which means at 2 pm I, as a crew member over 40 have to go to see the ship’s doctor for something called a wellness check. This is a mandatory Carnival procedure and despite the fact that just last month and I had a complete medical at home with Doctor Ramitin, I have to have another one here on board. Yep, I am old and so the doctor has to see me and take my blood pressure and check for diabetes (bit late for that) and check my heart and other stuff to make sure that I am well. I know it will be a simple procedure compared to my medical at home but I am a man …………………..and that means I hate going to see a doctor.

My hatred has grown over the last two years because I honestly believe no doctor’s day is complete without finding excuses to slip a gloved finger up my bottom. Now some of my blogging faithful may say that this may be the very least favourite part of a doctor or nurse’s job but I am convinced it’s the sodding highlight of their day. “Doctor, it’s about my big toe, it hurts.” “Well Mr. Heald, that’ll be rectum related, sir. Get your underpants off and bend over.”

Men are brilliant though and ignoring medical conditions and I know I love seeing stories in newspapers about wine making you live longer and or how Winston Churchill smoked 5 cigars a day everyday and lived into his nineties. I mentioned this to Heidi and some weeks later she pointed an article in one of her lady magazines Hello, Goodbye, Slim Hair, Fitness & Garden, Health & Enquirer or something like that that said smoking cigars doubles your chances of cancer. I told her that “all these studies are bollocks” and she then accused me of having something called “selective deafness.”

As a fat, unhealthy, smoking lazy bastard I am constantly seeing stories about fitness fanatics, marathon runners, people in business who get up at 5 am to go to the gym before work and eat nothing but tofu and soya who drop dead suddenly. This confirms my theory that you shouldn’t put too much pressure on the body and that going to the Miami Heat game or a Latvian lap dancing club with your mates is healthy because it’s de-stressing.

I am not alone and my friend Mr. Bentley and I are exactly the same when it comes to doctors. Even if half his colon had dropped on the RedFrog Pub carpet, he would simply order another Scotch and say “I’ll take a Tylenol before bed and see how it is in the morning.”

So It’s off to the doctor’s I go and as I said on Facebook the other day, considering the laundry hasn’t been in operation for the last two weeks I might as well just give them a pair of my underpants as they contain everything the doctor needs.

Time for some Q and A……………..away we go

Jgeraci Asked:
John, please reply

I’ve heard over on Spirit message boards that the Spirit repositioning cruise to Australia is to be announced March 28. The info was posted on Facebook, they say. Please, please post that announcement here on your blog. I do not do Facebook, but have been a faithful blog reader from the beginning. I don’t know about other blog readers, but I’m beginning to feel like an unimportant stepchild! My children & grandchildren advise me that I should steer clear of Facebook!

JoyceG

John Says:
Hello Joyce G,

I wanted to make sure that I answered this mostly due to the last statement because I sometimes take it for granted that everyone who reads the blog thingy also does Facebooking and that is obviously not the case. We haven’t announced Australian itineraries just yet but I am told today that it will very soon by the one of our senior vice presidents and yes of course I will announce it here. Most major news stories will get coverage here Joyce and if I forget please kick my bottom and remind me that not everyone reads Facebook. The blog is where it started and is still the most important to me. Thanks for taking the time to write.

Best wishes,

John

Psalm 23 Asked:

My husband and me are going on the Inspiration and would like to have a bible study class which we will be hosting for the other passengers. I suggest we do this each day at 9:00am and 5:00pm and all we will need is a big room and a microphone and I would think about 200 bibles. We did this with much success on a recent Princess cruise and are now going to be on Carnival spreading the gospel and helping your passengers enjoy their vacations even more. Our Travel agent told us to contact you so please make sure all is arranged for us when we board as we would like to start the first class after your life boat drills have finished. Here are our cruise details and please can you put “Blood of the Lamb Bible Study Group” hosted by Pam and Steven Lorimar. Thank you for doing this John and God Bless You!

John Says:
Hello Psalm 23,

I wanted to start by mentioning that I deleted the cruise details as you had your booking number and your telephone numbers and address there which obviously I didn’t want to publish. Now I see that you are sailing next week and I have contacted the cruise director on the Carnival Inspiration who will certainly do her best to accommodate you. I can tell you that unfortunately we do not have 200 bibles onboard the ships’ libraries but we do have them in the cabins so guests I am sure who want to go will know that we have a Gideon Bible there and they can bring that. I know that the cruise director will be in touch when you board and I wish you a great cruise. Thanks so much for the kind words which I return to you both.

Best wishes,

John

Brett R Asked:
John, Please Reply!

I am planning a cruise for my 30th birthday, and hope for you to be our CD. We are looking for late March/earlyApril of 2012. Any ideas when the cd schedule will be posted so we can make reservations? Thanks John, You’re the best!

John Says:
Hello Brett,

I wish I was 30 again. I am honoured by your request and will have the new CD schedule for the remainder of the 2011 posted here in early May. I am not sure yet about my schedule in 2012 but there is a good chance it will involve the ship I am on now the beautiful Carnival Magic. I hope to see you there to wish you a happy birthday in person and I will post my schedule for next year as soon as I can.

Best wishes,

John

San Fairy Anne Asked:
John Please Reply,

The Cruise Director position is very important to the enjoyment of my cruise experience and I have completed 34 cruises and around the world voyage. I thought then that you should know about one of your other directors. Paul was cruise director on the February 29th cruise. All he did was lot of dancing at the departure deck parties from ports but my partner and I saw little of him until the night we saw far too much of him! You see he did a partial strip tease at the Chip-n-males show with the some of his male cruise staff. This was disgusting and my partner and I left as did many passengers. Is this something you condone?

John Says:

Hello San Fairy Anne,

Thanks for writing and I am a little puzzled here because the only CD we have called Paul is Paul Santley who was not on any of our ships in February as he was at home due to the sad passing of a family member. I have no way of looking up what ship you were on either but nevertheless I am so very sorry that you are upset you and I will pass on your comments to the right people. I do hope you and your partner enjoyed your cruise and my apologies once again.

Best wishes to you both.

John

Wendy E Asked:
John – Reply if you want

As someone who is terribly obese I thought you should see how others who are on cruises are losing the weight thanks to a special diet THAT WORKS! We are all talking about this on Cruise Critic and are getting help. As someone whose life expectancy at your weight is minimal and as a 3 times carnival cruiser I feel you MUST read this.

John this will save your LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wendy

John Says:
Hello Wendy E,

I will reply to your very kind posting shortly but first I have to pause to eat a huge plate of chicken wings from the RedFrog Pub and wash that down with a massive bowl of pasta with clams from Cucina de Capitano. OK, I am back after a delicious snack and I have just a few moments before lunch to wish you and everyone else on this diet much success, health and happiness and thanks for your concern, you are most kind.

Best wishes

John


Mr.Fancypants Asked:

Hi John, (Please Reply)

Just off the Elation’s March 3rd, 4 day from Mobile to Cozumel. On Saturday the 5th, about 3 hours after leaving Cozumel to head home, a PA was made and we were advised the ship had turned around and we’re going back to Cozumel for a guest with a medical emergency. I had the “Behind the Fun” tour the next morning, and while on the bridge with the captain, another tour member asked about this situation. Apparently, the water was too rough to tender at Cancun which was much closer and the Mexican navy would not send a helicopter, so our only option was to head back to Cozumel.

Just curious about this kind of thing. How common is it to divert a ship?

Also, wanted to say that this was #10, and enjoyed my new VIP perks! One suggestion (wish) — how about free sodas for Platinum guests? I’d much rather have that than a free gift and canapés one night.

Thanks, and keep up the good work!

Mr. Fancypants

John Says:
Hello Mr Fancypants,

It’s not all that uncommon to divert a ship because ships are like small towns and that means like small towns each and every week someone needs medical help and often urgent and immediate care. I doubt that there is ever a week that goes by when someone on cruise ship doesn’t require assistance and that’s when we call on the help of our maritime partners such as the U.S Coast Guard. When we call for that help we have to adhere to their requests and while oftentimes (especially when dealing with USCG) they are able to send a helicopter or a cutter to evacuate the guest. However, there are occasions where these modes of transport are not available and the ship has to divert to a port. More often than not the Coast Guard will come to the ship but as you experienced, that is not always possible. I am very glad you enjoyed the Behind the Fun tour and eventually we will announce our new Platinum program and I will certainly pass on your thoughts about the free sodas to the beards. I hope you had a wonderful cruise and congratulations on your Platinum status.

Best wishes,

John

DocF Asked:
Hello John, (Please Reply)

There seems to be some confusion amongst the PVPs regarding the number of Cruise Elegant nights for the transatlantic voyage of the Carnival Magic. When you get a chance, if you could advise me of this detail, I will be eternally in your debt. We are excited to have booked this wonderful adventure as Dear Wife and I love the relaxed atmosphere of sea days.

Thank you,

Doc

John Says:

Hello Doc F.
Well I have no idea how the PVP’s would know the answer because I haven’t even had the time to look at the transatlantic cruise yet. However, I think there will be two and no more although we will have a Halloween Party as well of course. I will promise to confirm this as soon as I get your Carnival Magic delivered and I am looking forward to sharing those wonderful sea days with you both.

Best wishes

John

Peg 541 Asked:
John, Please REPLY

There will be five of us on the Valor on 24th of April and we need a private table and not with other passengers sitting with us. Also we need a special request taken care of please. My wife has a horseshoe that she needs to hang on the inside of her cabin door and unless this can be done she will not sleep at all. This sounds strange too many but not to me or my wife. A horseshoe hung in the bedroom will keep nightmares away and since something terrible happened to her she had constant nightmares until we hung this horseshoe on her bedroom door and the nightmares stopped.

Thank you John.

John Says:

Hello Peg 541,

I have asked the maitre d to help you with the table assignment and I am glad I saw this email in time because you are sailing on Sunday. I have also spoken to the ship and I ask that you give the lucky horseshoe to your stateroom steward when you board the ship and are in your cabin and when you return from dinner it will be fixed to the inside of your cabin door…..the horseshoe that is ………..not the stateroom steward. I wish you a wonderful cruise and care fee nights

Best wishes,

John


Meghan Jones Asked:

Hello John, (please reply if possible)

I just want to send you a quick review of the carnival freedom trip I was on (2/26-3/6) and start off by saying this has become my number 1 cruise ( I have only taken 4 so I guess it’s not that hard to do).

I also want to take this time to thank you for sending champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to our room…I believe we got it because of the Facebook comment I posted while we were in St. Thomas. My husband and I were surprised and most appreciative that you took the time to send something to us.

Now onto the review, and my only negative comment- San Juan at night, just not for me. I feel that there is not many tours that take place that interest a wide range of people, and while you can get off and go to senor frogs (and I think the entire boat did!) I would have preferred something different….but that’s the only “negative” so to say.

As I said, the Freedom became my favorite cruise. I spent many nights in the piano bar with Dave, who managed to write out the keys/lyrics to a song I had requested night one and finished by Monday (which happened to be my birthday so that was awesome of him). He really took time and effort to make sure the guests were happy and enjoying their time on the boat.

The food was good as always, and the staff was great, we did anytime dining, and while I liked always getting a table for two- I did miss having the same team every night getting to know us.

The punchliner comedy club I think was a great addition! I love comedy shows, so having one almost nightly was an added bonus.

The weather was okay, but for the first two days it was so windy the upper decks were closed! – so if you could please tell the captain to slow down next time, that would be great. (kidding…I think!)

In order to give me quiet time to get ready, my husband spent many nights starting at the sports bar where “Z” took good care of him, and myself when I finally showed up.

Lastly, is my favorite person on the boat Amy R. the shopping specialist. She started by answering my quick question during a night in the piano bar, and turned into a friend I plan to keep in touch with! She was so genuine and just an all around great person. I know other guests that met her also felt the same way.

I guess I just wanted to send this to you so that I know for sure someone at Carnival hears it. I have only cruised carnival and find no need to go elsewhere (what’s the saying, if it isn’t broke don’t try to fix it?)

Anyways, thanks again!

John Says:
Hello Meghan Jones,

Thanks so much for the great review of one of my favourite ships. I will make sure that everyone onboard sees this and you are the second person this week to mention Amy the shopping specialist to me and how wonderful she is, I will make sure she sees what a great impact she had on your cruise. I understand that San Juan isn’t for everyone and it’s a shame we don’t spend the daytime hours there as it really is a beautiful place. Thanks so much for writing and thank you for all the kind words and I hope that we will see you onboard again soon.

Best wishes,

John

Dennis Moore Asked:
Hi John, (reply if you wish)

The wife and I just returned from our 4 day Carnival Inspiration cruise to Cozumel. What follows may seem like a commercial for Carnival. However, I can assure you that it is simply a review of our vacation aboard our Carnival Inspiration.

First of all, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I wrote to you before our cruise and asked for your help in obtaining a table for two for my wife and I. This cruise was a chance for us to put all of our cares behind us for a few days and just spend time together. The first night we were shown to our table and sure enough it was a table for two in a perfect location in the dining room. Within 5 minutes our Maitre’d Roland was at our table greeting us. He said a very good friend had emailed him and arranged for our table. He was more than happy to oblige and sends along his best wishes to you John. Roland greeted us every evening as we entered the dining room by name. We also ran into him several times around the ship and he always took a minute to ask us how we were doing. A true credit to Carnival!

Our head waiter was Damir. I can’t describe to you in words how wonderful he was. We just loved him! He was beyond fantastic in the way he took care of us each evening. But more than that we were able to get to know him on a more personal level by speaking with him outside the dining room. What a kind, caring and passionate person he is. By the end of our 4 days he seemed like family to us. And just a little plug for him…he is hoping to be able to work aboard our Carnival Magic. He is from Croatia and would love to be able to be closer to home and his beautiful wife. Wherever he is assigned next the guests aboard that ship will love him!

Our assistant waiter was Steven. He was attentive and anticipated our every need. Damir was quick to point out that Steven deserved much of the credit for our dining room experience. Kudos to you Steven!… We had the same bar waiter each evening in the dining room. He was a kind young man named Marco. After ordering a Sprite and Ginger Ale the 1st night we never had to ask again. Each evening when we arrived in the dining room Marco was there within minutes with our drinks. And 3 or 4 times each evening he would make sure we had a refill. He was fantastic. Overall, our dining room experience was the best we have ever had!

Our cruise director was Stephanie Meads. We had Stephanie on our last Carnival Inspiration cruise as well. She did not disappoint! When we arrived in our cabin on embarkation day we got a knock on the door. To our surprise there was a crew member there delivering a bottle of champagne, a coveted 24kt plastic ship on a stick and a personal note from Stephanie. The note was to welcome us back to the ship and to let us know she would be there for anything we should need. Such a nice surprise. We saw Stephanie several times over the 4 days and she always said hello and asked how we were. I was also very impressed with her as she had to handle some unruly passengers during the cruise. This included one who walked onstage during the Welcome Aboard show and tried to grab her and the microphone. Assistant Cruise Director Nick quickly came out and escorted the man from the stage. A situation that could have been uglier was handled as tactfully as possible and Stephanie never lost her composure. I believe Stephanie has grown greatly as a cruise director since our last trip in September 2010. She is becoming quite a star and we love her!

We had a lovely time on this cruise John. Again, thank you so much for you kind help in getting the table for two for us. It was more appreciated than I can tell you. Every time I go on a Carnival cruise I leave thinking that the experience cannot be beaten. Then I go back and I am proven wrong. I have been on the Carnival Inspiration 3 times in 10 months and it just keeps getting better. I can tell you that I am sad to see that she will move to the West Coast in December. We are hoping for one more cruise aboard her before the move. If not I am sure that the Carnival Paradise will be lovely as well. In the meantime, we have already booked a September cruise on my Carnival Legend. And as of this date we have 10 family members joining us. Only 185 days until we sail again!

Thanks again John for all that you do. I hope you realize how much you are appreciated by those who read this blog. And it isn’t just because you have helped so many of us with requests. It is because you bring us into your world and share so much of yourself with us. Your musings and stories are required reading for so many of us. I look forward to one day sailing with you and getting the opportunity to thank you in person for all of the kindness you have shown me and for all of the laughter your blog provides. Thanks again John!

Please pass along my best wishes to your lovely girls!

Dennis Moore (no….not THAT Dennis Moore)

John Says:
Hello Dennis Moore…………no I won’t sing the song this time.

I loved your Carnival commercial because it was written by someone who obviously had a brilliant time on board. I will make sure that as always all the people you mentioned get to see this and my thanks to Damir for all his help. He and all the people you mentioned are indeed a true credit to Carnival. Poor Stephanie, I am glad it all worked out and of course it is part of her learning curve. She is doing a great job and I am very proud of her. Please let me know if there is anything you need before you cruise again and thanks for always reminding me about that brilliant Monty Python song.

My best wishes to you both.

John

And that most eclectic group of questions is over for today. I had better press on with this blog as my life expectancy is minimal and I could die any moment so let’s crack on.

And now one day later than expected……..here is Vance with the official word on BC5.

The new 3,690-passenger Carnival Magic has been selected as the venue for the fifth annual “John Heald Bloggers Cruise,” which brings together fans of the senior cruise director’s blog (www.johnhealdsblog.com) for a week full of fun activities, exclusive giveaways and unforgettable memories.

The seven-day western Caribbean voyage will sail round-trip from Galveston, Texas, March 4-11, 2012, visiting Montego Bay, Jamaica; George Town, Grand Cayman; and Cozumel, Mexico.

The Bloggers Cruise brings together hundreds of readers of the popular on-line site — which has attracted nearly 10 million page views since its launch in 2007 – providing an opportunity to make new friends and reacquaint with others in the blogging community.

Carnival Magic is the ideal venue for this cruise, offering an atmosphere of spirited fun that has made the Bloggers Cruises a must-attend event. With an engaging interior design and a host of unique and exciting spaces that foster social interaction and create a sense of community among guests, Carnival Magic will provide a truly memorable setting for such signature Bloggers Cruise activities as “Tea Time with John,” lively Q&A sessions, unforgettable game shows, welcoming and closing receptions, and other fun events.

An exclusive bloggers-only shore excursion will be offered and a number of keepsake items will also be provided to all participants. Of course, Heald will be blogging throughout the weeklong cruise.

“Five……five Bloggers Cruises! That’s absolutely brilliant and a testament to the people that read my blog. I am excited that Bloggers Cruise 5 is going to be held on Carnival’s newest flagship and I am delighted that I will be able to share all her wonderful and innovative features with my readers. See y’all in Texas!” Heald said.

Heald’s blog has attracted a loyal following for his willingness to provide readers with a unique perspective on the cruise industry, a veritable peek behind the “crew only” door, with humorous and often poignant tales of the people and places he comes in contact with on a daily basis. Heald also answers reader questions and profiles his cruise industry colleagues both at Carnival and the company’s other brands.

In addition to the exclusive activities and giveaways, Bloggers Cruise participants can experience all that the Carnival Magic has to offer, from island-inspired drinks and snacks at the RedFrog Pub, which will also feature its own private label draught beer called ThirstyFrog Red, or a delicious meal of Italian favorites at Cucina del Capitano, which brings the heritage of Carnival’s captains to the table. There’s also action-packed SportSquare, an expansive open-air recreation complex featuring the first ropes course at sea, along with cruising’s first outdoor fitness area

Other features include Ocean Plaza, a stunning indoor/outdoor café and live music venue; The Lanai, an outdoor wrap-around promenade with whirlpools that extend over the ship’s sides and an open-air barbeque area; and WaterWorks, an expansive aqua park with a 312-foot-long spiral waterslide, the longest in the Carnival fleet. A variety of accommodation categories, including five-berth, two-bath staterooms that should be popular with families and cove balconies located closer to the water line, are available, as well.

Carnival Magic is set to debut May 1, 2011, in Europe and will launch year-round seven-day Caribbean service from Galveston November 14, 2011.

Reservations are currently being accepted for the fifth annual John Heald Bloggers Cruise. Fare code PBL must be referenced during the reservations process.

For additional information and reservations for the Bloggers Cruise or any other Carnival voyage, contact any travel agent, call 1-800-CARNIVAL or visit carnival.com.

Vance truly has summed up just why this could be……the best Bloggers Cruise ever. I hope you will join me and let me show you this gorgeous ship that oozes fun. Here she is..…your Carnival Magic as seen through the lens of the one and only Radu, our senior fleet photographer.

 

Naming ceremonies for cruise ships come and go but some raise the bar so very high. Have a look at the night of the proms that AIDA Cruises hosted for the launch of the beautiful AIDAsol. The stars were out and so were 50,000..yep..…50,000 people to enjoy the music of the stars and to welcome their new ship.










The German people love AIDA Cruises and this video shows just how much they do. I know none of you will probably ever get to see their ships but I wish you could. They are truly wunderbar.

Yesterday I spoke about excursions and today the beards have informed me of a new review thingy that they have set up on the website…………..here is the Bearded Everett to tell you all about it.

Hi everyone, we’re really excited to let you know about this really cool thing that some of the beards on our team have been working on for the last few months.

Think about the most fun shore excursion you’ve ever been on. Remember how you got back to the ship and couldn’t stop talking about what an amazing time you had. Then, when you got home, you told everyone you talked to about, oh, how amazing it was riding ATVs in Cabo san Lucas. Or ziplining in Ocho Rios. Or… whatever it was.

There’s a new feature on Carnival.com that lets you do just that, and share your opinions with everyone who cruises Carnival. Be among the first Carnival cruisers EVER to rate and review your favorite shore excursion — and read what others have to say about theirs — right now at carnival.com/Activities… just find your shore excursion to get started. You can even share your fun photos and videos, check prices, schedules and more! Head over there now and choose a shore excursion to get started.

– Bearded Everett

I have to admit that I am not a huge fan of magic shows. I know that it is impossible to make the Statue of Liberty disappear or turn a white tiger into a hamster as it is impossible that Megan Fox will wake up one morning and realise she wants me to cover herself in sugar free chocolate, call me and say bon appetit. But there is no doubting that our guests love it and over the years we have had some brilliant magicians who perform on our ships. Rand Woodbury, Justin Illusion, Bret “The Straightjacket” Alans, Booby Borgia, Jaime Allen, Tim Starr and of course the creators and producers of our new magic show on the appropriately named Carnival Magic ……. Kevin and Caruso. You may have seen their elaborate shows on the Carnival Triumph but as the old saying goes…………..you ain’t seen a sodding thing yet.

Magic it seems is more popular than ever and of course we have to thank the world’s most famous magician for that. Yep, Harry Potter has had an impact and kids want to see real magicians at their parties not some guy in a clown suit pulling a stuffed rabbit out of his arse ………sorry…………I mean hat.

But apart from the bespectacled spotty Harry who else is there? Well, I remember at home in the UK and in the States that magic used to be on the TV all the time. Prime time Saturday night acts like David Copperfield seem to have disappeared from our TV’s. But thanks to people like David Blaine……..like him or love him………magic is making a massive comeback. And that comeback is going to be completed by Kevin and Caruso’s new show……Destination Unknown.

As our Entertainment Production Manager Preston Bircher said recently “This is the most complicated and largest show we have ever put on any of our ships” and that’s saying something when you think of some of the shows we already have. Magic has I think to stay surprising to survive and here on the Carnival Magic those surprises are going to be….absolutely astonishing.

As I mentioned the other day here in the blog thingy I am in the process of writing the new script for the life boat………bugger……..the safety briefing for the Carnival Magic. I mentioned that I intend to make it as fun as possible without diluting the obvious importance of safety onboard. But these days it’s not just about lifeboats which by the way on your Carnival Magic are huge and can accommodate up to 185 guests! Anyway, the life boat drill used to be just about just that, the life boats, which one is yours and which one you are assigned to, etc.

These days however it’s also about smoking and the areas you must and must not do this ………. washing your hands to prevent gastro illness……the environmental rules and regulations and even tips on saving water when you brush your teeth by turning the tap off and talking of turning things off I will be explaining about the new key system which controls the cabin lights now.

The latter part about the key card was, respectfully, explained pretty badly in the briefing I received and I am in the process of re-writing it because even when I explained it on Facebook the other day, I had loads of people either not fully understand or think that this was the work of the devil and started crossing themselves. So, I will be explaining that it doesn’t affect the air conditioning, the 110 power and that if you left the light switch in the on position when you left the cabin, the lights will automatically turn on. This is an energy saving device that keeps the fuel usage down which is of course very important. But, the safety briefing is now a list of things guests must do and I am a little concerned that on vacation it’s not what they want to hear. Sea is no different I guess to land. It’s only when you add up the number of new laws that have come along that you realise just how many laws there are these days.

I was speaking to the staff captain here on the Carnival Magic who told me that in Italy you may not legally fix a broken window pane in your own home unless you are a qualified broken window pane mender and that when the work is done you must get it inspected by a broken window inspector from the local mafia……I mean council.. Furthermore, I learned from Heidi that in Holland it is against the law to change the electrical sockets in your own kitchen.

There’s so much more to come as well. Horse racing will be banned, you will not be allowed to tread on a cockroach, you will not be able to have rumpy pumpy except on Fridays. Red meat will have to be marked with a government health warning and you will be prevented from telling jokes about yourself, men, women, Muslims, Catholics, the Irish, RCI, Polar Bears, fat men with bent teeth, the French, The Norwegian Epic and Wendy E.

Naturally you will also be banned from smoking cigars anywhere except Uranus, owning a copy of Latvian Bottoms Weekly and sending Christmas cards that feature the nativity. Happily, you will be allowed to cruise but only on a ship that uses camel piss for fuel and serves a tofu melting cake at dinner. I’ve had enough.

I’ll carry on telling jokes about myself and when the ship is in Marseille next month I shall stand on the gangway and hand out surgical masks to the 4,000 guests. And then, when I go to bed tonight, after I’ve altered all the wiring in my kitchen and eaten a whole cow and smoked a cigar in the middle of the RedFrog Pub………….naked.

Well now it’s the moment you have all been waiting for. I know many of you have been anxious for information on the Carnival Breeze’s homeport and I am not going to have you wait any longer because I am proud to tell you the Carnival Breeze’s homeport is………ugghh……..it’s …..,,,,,aagghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……………………she will ……………. ughhhhhhhhh …………… aggghhhh………….sail……. aggghhhhhhhh …….. from ………. agghhhhhh……….. aggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh ……………….Wendy E was right ………….. agghhhhh ……………….. goodbye

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

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