Well here we go again, another week on your Carnival Magic and we have three days left of this 12-day cruise. I haven’t been sleeping well, don’t know why but it doesn’t matter because I am alive and well and so are you.  I say this because this time last week we were all supposed to be dead and Henry O and his mates would be standing at the Pearly Gates being welcomed into heaven while me and a few of you would be in hell surrounded by fire and brimstone and nonstop Celine Dion music for eternity. (more…)

A Brilliant Reason to Sing

May 27, 2011 -

John Heald

I have a brilliant team of entertainment staff here on your Carnival Magic and overall they are by far the best I have ever delivered a new ship with. There is James who will take over as CD here and Christian, Ryan, John, Katie, Leonnie, Melissa, Eli and my PA Mel. Together they are a magical team. However…….they all make me feel so, so old with the talk of Justin Beaver, Eye Pods and staying out until 3 am.

(more…)

Loads of Rumpy Pumpy Talk Blog

May 26, 2011 -

John Heald

Naples is the Charlie Sheen of Italy. Reasonably good looking but absolutely stark raving bonkers. And that’s where I write to you from this morning and once I have finished today’s blog I shall take my life into my own hands by crossing a road and ruining a very good pair of underpants in the process. That’s because whether you are in a car, on a moped or God help you, a pedestrian, venturing out onto the roads of Naples guarantees you a white knuckle journey of fear.

(more…)

If they could see her now…

May 26, 2011 -

John Heald

Recently Kathie Lee was on the monster of the seas but as you can see from this clip, her heart still belongs to Carnival.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 

It’s great to hear her say the word “ Carnival” after all these years isn’t it and Kathie, if we could see you now …………..we would say thank you for all you did for us here at Carnival. You were part of a winning formula. Kathie Lee + Fun = Carnival. We miss you.

I shouldn’t mention that there are one or two naughty married men who work on the ships who now and then will have a bit of rumpy pumpy while away from their marital home. It’s easy to spot which men are doing this because they will have Paul Shark blue sweaters on and their cabin doors will be latched shut. There is one chap who lives in the same corridor as me that is a bloody rabbit. Honestly, we might as well put a revolving door on his cabin……and a cat flap for the tiny bar waitress from Thailand who I saw going in there the other night.

(more…)

Behind Enemy Lines

May 23, 2011 -

John Heald

We have a stag party onboard the Carnival Magic this week………..but it’s not like you would imagine a normal stag party to be. There are 14 men all here to celebrate the forthcoming marriage of Simon Garthwaite who on June 11 will be marrying Gillian in Sioux City, Iowa.

(more…)

Taking The Liberty

May 19, 2011 -

John Heald

This morning I received two phone calls and this e mail all on the same subject.

From: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2011 11:11 AM
To: MAGIC ASSISTANT CRUISE DIRECTOR; MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc: MAGIC ENTERTAINMENT TECHNICAL MANAGER; MAGIC ENTERTAINMENT TECH; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR

Subject: 8367 – NOT HAPPY WITH SHOW BEING PLAYED AT THIS TIME ON SEASIDE THEATRE

(more…)

New Kids On The Beach

May 18, 2011 -

John Heald

Here is an interesting comment from the incident report…

From: MAGIC MAITRE D

Sent: Wednesday, May 18, 2011 10:35 AM

To: MAGIC HOTEL DIRECTOR:MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR

Cc: MAGIC HOUSEKEEPING MANAGER: MAGIC CHEF: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES

Subject: Incident at breakfast

Please not that approx 30 Asian guests form the ________ group were seen this morning at breakfast making sandwiches and putting food in plastic containers. I tried to explain that they should not be doing this but they continued to do it saying “no English” and they all left with extra food. They took Danish, bread, cheese, ham and lots of boiled eggs. I will monitor tomorrow. Thank you and kind regards.

(more…)

Doctor Judith, Jeans, and Laundry

May 17, 2011 -

John Heald

Last week I mentioned on my Facebook thingy that we were now allowing guests to wear jeans (with the exception of elegant nights) in our steakhouses. I received loads of comments about this directly on the Facebook page and most seemed OK with it. But as always when you publicly proclaim something you are going to get mixed reaction and the following two comments posted to this blog thingy will prove.

(more…)

Brand Bollocks

May 16, 2011 -

John Heald

I mentioned in a blog a few days ago that Europe, especially Italy and Spain, are full of fake goods. There are signs above market stalls that brilliantly advertise “original fakes” and sell Rolex watches that look like the real thing. There are Chanel purses and Dolce and Gabbana underpants and there are also bootleg copies of movies on DVD. These are made by some Nigerian man who sits in the movie theatre pointing a camera at the screen making a movie of the movie. How these people don’t get caught is amazing and surely the answer is that Mr. Ubagooba has slipped Manuel the Barcelona movie theatre manager a few Euros. Anyway, I am dead against these things and advise guests from purchasing these items. For one thing, it’s illegal and supports more serious organised crime and I have seen those warnings at the start of movies that threaten that an FBI SWAT team will burst through your window if you dare watch one. I also don’t buy these movies because the quality is crap and just as you get to a good bit some guy stands up to go pee and walks in front of Mr Ubagooba’s camera.

(more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.