Taking The Liberty

May 19, 2011 -

John Heald

This morning I received two phone calls and this e mail all on the same subject.

From: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Thursday, May 19, 2011 11:11 AM
To: MAGIC ASSISTANT CRUISE DIRECTOR; MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc: MAGIC ENTERTAINMENT TECHNICAL MANAGER; MAGIC ENTERTAINMENT TECH; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR

Subject: 8367 – NOT HAPPY WITH SHOW BEING PLAYED AT THIS TIME ON SEASIDE THEATRE

Good morning,

Sorry to bother you, but we got a few phone calls about the content on the big screen which is showing lions killing other animals having sex. One call was from a guest who was very upset and said she was very angry. Please can you remove or reschedule this as she said children were on the deck as well.

Kind regards,

Ruzica

And we did remove it, immediately because for the most part the guests are correct, this is something we should not have been showing. You see, we have live music playing but what we call “filler” or background shots on the Seaside Theatre Big Screen and while much of it is beautiful, some is not and it is far too graphic for a morning in the Mediterranean sun on Lido Deck and as I sit here now in my underpants at 1:05pm…….we have had 4 complaints including the lady from today who has asked for a meeting with me………….oh joy.

This could have been avoidable. We should have checked the footage before it was played but like with so many other things, time just didn’t allow.

What is interesting is that I am told by the audio visual team that we played the same footage last week and received no complaints at all. It is also interesting that we play the news on the Seaside Theatre big screen but have received no complaints about the war in Libya or any of the other human disaster stories that CNN shows while guests are munching on their breakfast burritos.

Look, we shouldn’t have shown it, that much is obvious but I wonder why a few people get upset when they see a lion having a nibble at a gazelle’s bottom. I know some folks think that nature is a fluffy place full of big-eyed meer cats and baby birds and that nothing nasty ever happens there. But it does: Most of God’s creatures go to animal heaven via the intestines and stomach of another creature.

Now as to the complaint about having a film showing animal rumpy pumpy…..again, this is something we shouldn’t have had playing and I will be apologising to the guests who commented but all that birds and animals do is eat, sleep and mate. If you take rumpy pumpy and killing out of the equation, what’s left……a two hour National Geographic on animals that sit ….. or add an “h.”

So we can’t show animals having lunch these days because a bird wrenching a worm from the ground would have vegetablists wanting to have me whacked. Anyway, the buffalo porn, the rampant meat eating and the zebra orgies have all been removed and replaced with the movies Saw 1, 2 and 3, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and back to back episodes of The Sopranos.”

Now usually at this point I would slip quietly into some Q and A but time doesn’t allow today because it’s a glorious sea day and I have shows, events and of course tonight we open the first ever performance of our 70’s based show……The Groove Line. I will tell you all about this on the next blog. So instead of the Q and A let’s meet another of your Carnival Magic officers and our Chief of Security.

Here he is:

NAME: Ramachandra Kurup O

TITLE: Chief Security Officer

PLEASE TELL US WHERE YOU ARE FROM AND YOUR JOURNEY WITH CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES SO FAR:

I was born in the State of Kerala in India and studied and graduated from Indian Navy and University of Kerala. At age 19, I joined in Indian Navy as Naval Police and worked in the regulating & intelligence department. I was assigned to carry out all kind of investigations and become qualified in use and maintenance of small arms (firing weapons). I completed special training at National Academy of Customs Narcotics & Forensic (a government of India organization) in Mumbai and am qualified in self defense (judo). In 1994, I took a voluntary retirement from Navy after rendering my final assignment as residential area Naval Police station in Mumbai where nearly 10,000 uniformed personnel, defense civilian personnel and their families reside. I joined in Carnival security services department in 1994.

WHAT IS THE MOST CHALLENGING PART OF YOUR JOB?

Handling rude and aggressive guests

AND WHAT IS THE MOST REWARDING?

The appreciation of my hard work and dedication from guest and crew.

IF YOU COULD DO ANY OTHER JOB WORKING ONBOARD WHAT WOULD IT BE?

I would say an HR director

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE PORT?

Venice, Italy

HOW DO YOU RELAX WHEN YOU ARE ONBOARD AND OFF WORK?

I really like to work out in the gym and watch TV

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE AND WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?

Man of Honor is my favorite movie and I like listening to love songs

WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST ABOUT HOME?

I really miss spending time with my kids

Obviously security is as important today as it’s ever been and on our ships we have a dedicated team who you see at the gangway and around the ship. But their job is far, far more than checking ID at the gangway or telling you that they know that’s not mouthwash but vodka! Nope, they do far more and it’s a job that is so very important.

OK, let’s talk about me. No, not my underpants, or my hemorrhoids but my schedule. Before I do let me first say how honoured I am that so many people ask what ship I will be on next so they can consider cruising with me. This always rejuvenates me and between being called fat man and being asked if I am covered in lamb’s blood it makes me realise how lucky I am to have so many people who appreciate ………..well you know.

Anyway, the problem with this is of course as much as I want to and as hard as I try to, I know it’s impossible to please everyone and I know that I am about to let a large group of people down and I will apologise for this and beg for your forgiveness in a moment.

But first……for those who care……….here is my schedule. For those who don’t care, please turn to Animal Planet where you will find a documentary about a blind porcupine having rumpy pumpy with a hair brush.

JULY 3 CRUISE – This will be my one and only break from your Carnival Magic. Heidi and Kye will be sailing with me a few times before then but I need seven days at home to do bugger all rest a bit. During this time James Charlton will take over and more on him in a moment

And now the major change. July 10 will be my only break during my time here on the Carnival Magic and then………and now it’s time to disappoint some of you. As you know I have two jobs, cruise director and brand ambassador and my schedule is set by the beards. And the beards have decided that I am not going to be the CD for the trans-Atlantic voyage of my Carnival Magic and so this is what is happening.

OCTOBER 7 – I will say goodbye for now to my Carnival Magic and head home to the UK for 10 days. Then on or around the October 17 I will put on my brand ambassador hat and fly to Miami. After sitting in the suspected terrorist/illegal immigrant/cruise ship employee welcome to Miami Customs and Immigration room I shall head to a hotel and write a blog about how I hate flying. Then on October 20 I join Carnival Liberty for one week, her first out of dry dock. Why Carnival Liberty?…….Well I can’t tell you much but I can tell you that during the dry dock period she will have some brilliant and so very new and exciting features added and the beards are so exuberant about what’s going to be taking place that they want me to tell you all about in both on the blog thingy and on video. I wish I could tell you more but the beards have threatened to tell Customs and Immigration that I have three pounds of an illegal substance in my bottom if I do. So as I don’t want a date with Inspector Longfinger…..all I will say is that if you are looking for a ship to book a Caribbean cruise in 2012….Carnival Liberty should be a major consideration.

Now I have to tell you I was not happy when I was told I would not be here for the trans-Atlantic because I was truly looking forward to doing it and I know that some were looking forward to me being here and I sincerely, truly sincerely apologise for letting you down but……..like most of you, I have a boss and I am told where to go and what to do.

So as I won’t be here James Charlton will be your CD. James is a fantastic guy, full of energy, funny and determined to be the best cruise director in the fleet and I think he can be just that. I will make sure he has all the support he needs and the team of Christian, Katie, Lionnie, Calvin, John, Mel, Mellissa, Ryan and Kevin will all give you some wonderfully fun days at sea. There will be dance instructors, bridge instructors, arts and crafts instructors and some surprises as well as the very best in entertainment. I will also make sure that there is a bloggers party for which we will do a roll call and that even though I am not there, I will buy you a drink or two to say thank you and to say sorry.

So after Carnival Liberty what’s next for me? Well, I get off the Carnival Liberty on October 29 and then have a week before my next brand ambassador role. So, what to do? Well I am thinking of joining the Carnival Ecstasy for a few days. That’s because on or around the November 8 I need to be in Galveston because there will be…… ssssshhhhhhhh….. something special happening when your Carnival Magic arrives in Texas and I will be very much a part of that. Now I would love to tell you more but if I would be as popular as The Dixie Chicks at a Republican rally …….. so I will just promise to tell you all about it soon so that as many of you who want to come and say hi y’all…………can.

Then after the big event I will hop back onboard my Carnival Magic and take off my brand ambassador hat and put my CD hat back on again and resume my role as cruise director until December 4 when I return home for a proper vacation. During my absence the ship will once again be covered by James who will remain until January 29. On that day a fat bloke from the UK will return and I will remain as CD until the end of March pausing only for the Bloggers Cruise 5.

So that’s about it then…….I am sad about the TA, excited about what’s happening in Galveston, amazed by the plans for the Carnival Liberty and thrilled that next year I get to be CD back here on my Carnival Magic and out of Galveston…….now that’s a brilliant combination.

As for the rest of 2012………..well that’s easy…………my life will be a Breeze.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.