Loads of Rumpy Pumpy Talk Blog

May 26, 2011 -

John Heald

Naples is the Charlie Sheen of Italy. Reasonably good looking but absolutely stark raving bonkers. And that’s where I write to you from this morning and once I have finished today’s blog I shall take my life into my own hands by crossing a road and ruining a very good pair of underpants in the process. That’s because whether you are in a car, on a moped or God help you, a pedestrian, venturing out onto the roads of Naples guarantees you a white knuckle journey of fear.

Forget Rome, Paris and even driving with the Hernandez family on I-95 in Miami, there is nothing like the roads of Naples. Road signs are mere suggestions and then there is the car horn. Where you and I live this is used mostly to attract the attention of friends on the pavement. In Naples it’s used for all sorts of reasons: because it’s there and it works, because Naples football (sacccccccerrr) team has scored a goal and beaten Milan, or because the car in front of you has dared to stop at a red traffic light, or because they have seen a bella arse.

I imagine that in Naples the driving test includes what not to do at a red traffic light, how to blow your horn continuously for two minutes and how to drive while using both hands to tell another driver to go and have sexual relationships with himself.

Driving in Naples is one of the most least relaxing ways to spend a day. It can be frantic, unkempt in some spots and a little unruly but all of that and it still sits in one of the most beautiful areas of Italy. Many of the guests today have gone to Pompeii and others have chosen to do the top three, Pompeii, Sorrento and Capri. If Naples is the real deal then Capri is Fantasy Island and today with the Climbing Wall of the Seas docked with us there will be something like 5,000 visitors there. It is simply a must see.

So I encourage our guests to see Capri and enjoy a peaceful day watching the rich and tanned hide behind their Versace sunglasses at the island’s top restaurant, Villa Verdi, or just pretending you can afford to buy something from one of the beautiful designer stores. Yep, a day in Capri is relaxing and massively satisfying while a day crossing or driving on the roads of Naples will have you fainting in a puddle of your own bodily fluids.

Time for today’s Q and A………….here we go.

Andrea Haskins (Duck Duck Girl) asked:
Mr Heald,

It has been 1 week since I sent my complaint to you and you have not replied and I haven’t heard from anyone at Carnival so more bad customer service I guess. My complaint was from the Glory. The ship was heading for Nassau when a someone was taken seriously ill and the ship had to turn around, rendezvous with United States Coast Guard who collected the patient. The ship was unable to make port the following day due to this and, passengers were given just $25 shipboard credit. Later that day we were told that the patient was CREWMEMBER a fact that had been hidden by the captain during his announcements. To receive just $25 for a missed port and the one that my boyfriend and I had been excited about the most is not acceptable. Why couldn’t we have taken him off by helicopter? My sister says that usually they take them off by helicopter which if had happened here would have allowed us to go to Nassau. I have written to Carnival but have not heard any reply. We are going to post our complaints online so millions will see that customer service at Carnival sucks. What are you going to do to make your customer happy? I guess the answer to this is nothing so I have put my comment on Cruise Critic and written to the Star-Ledger newspaper as well.

I expect a reply.

Andrea Haskins

John says:
Hello Andrea Haskins,

I did indeed reply to you and I have a feeling that because I was behind in my replies that our postings may have crossed over. I answer 40 questions a week here on the blog thingy and 30 a day also or more on Facebook and it’s hard to remember them all. However, I remember yours very well because I remember how angry your comment made me feel. The fact that you highlighted in capital letters that the fact that the life saved was a crewmember and this should entitle you to more compensation, well as I said it angers me and surprises me just how little compassion some people have. While we are truly sorry that you missed a port we can offer you no further compensation, this has been confirmed by the vice president of our guest services team in Miami. Missing a port………is that really more important than saving a life? I don’t think so and hopefully once you sit and think about this…….neither will you.

Best wishes,

John


Danny Paris asked:

Mr. Heald (Please reply),

We are loyal Carnival guest (5 cruises in 2 years) and our next cruise is July 3 on the Valor.

My son’s birthday is on the 6 of July… he will be 9. I wonder if it could be possible for Fun ship Freddy too come at dinner for his birthday and give him a little something (ship on a stick?)… We will buy the cake from Bon Voyage.

Thank you very much for the attention to my message.

Dany Paris

John says:

Hello Dany Paris,

Of course I can do something for your son. I can’t promise that Fun Ship Freddy will be there to do it as he has problems holding a trophy with those huge hands. However, a trophy and a birthday wish will be sent and I wish you both a wonderful cruise despite your last name.

Best wishes to you all.

John

Beth Russell asked:

Just off the Valor Sun. April 10. What a fun cruise. Josh is a Fantastic cruise director. Out and about and so personable. Also getting off the ship to tender in Grand Cayman and Belize was the best ever. So organized and no one allowed to cut or get in line out of turn. Also debarking was the most organized. We have been on 28 cruises and this was the most organized in tender ports and debarking.
YEA JOSH!!!! Whole cruise was fun.

John says:
Hello Beth Russell,

This is great to read and I will make sure Josh sees your fantastic words of praise. The fact that you have cruised so many times and that the embarkation and debarkation process was the best yet means that we are moving in the right direction which is great news indeed. Thanks so much for taking the time to write and I thank you so very much for your loyalty.

Best wishes,

John

Dessire asked:
John,

I have never read your blog until today when another cruise critic reader told me I should post my opinion on your web site. I am a vegetarian and I want you to see how we were treated by the rudest crew we have ever sailed with. Here is our post.

http://www.cruisecritic.com/memberreviews/memberreview.cfm?EntryID=82295

As I said at the end I would recommend Carnival only to the right crowd – carefree party people who don’t care about service. I look forward to see what you have to say. Many applaud you on Cruise Critic and many think you are full of hot air. Let’s see which group is correct.

John says:
Hello Dessire,

I thank you for finding this blog thingy and for taking the time to post your review. It seems that you ordered a custom meal as you said and somewhere there was a breakdown in communication and it didn’t get taken care of. This is not good enough and you deserve an apology which I am sending you most sincerely now. I see that your children enjoyed Camp Carnival and that’s great news. So let me say sorry once again and that we will strive to do better I promise. Meanwhile we will continue to provide the brilliant service that thousands enjoy on our ships each and every week.

Best wishes and hope we see you all again soon.

John

Kathy asked:

I’m sailing on the Dream in a couple of weeks and I’ve heard that there is a sewer type smell on the Main Deck–how true is this? I’d like to know because I’m thinking of switching my cabin to the last Cove Balcony available. Need to know ASAP. Thanks and happy sailing.

John says:
Hello Kathy,

It is true that for the first few months of the ship’s life we did have a problem in this area but that is no longer the case and I promise that your cove balcony cabin choice is a great one and if you can, book it. It will provide you with an incomparable close to the water view like never before. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes.

John

Eric T. asked:
John,

You probably don’t remember me but perhaps you may remember my past queries. I haven’t heard anything, so I’m assuming nothing came out of the “American Choppers” idea about Carnival having a theme bike made? Also, I asked if Carnival had any type of “Carnival museum.” You’d said you’d get back to me the very next week but I never saw anything.

Eric

John says:
Hello Eric T,

Of course I remember you mate because I thought your idea was a great one but unfortunately the beards didn’t. Now as for the museum, well they liked that idea a lot more and there was some talk of putting some memories on this ship but then others said that we were only 35 years old and were too young to have a museum. So, maybe one day there will be and pride of place will go to a pair of senior cruise director John Heald’s underpants which will sit in a glass case in the lobby of Carnival HQ.

Best wishes mate and thanks again for what I thought were 2 great ideas.

John

A.J.C. asked:

I need an answer to my question. Are you paid to write this blog by Carnival? If so how can there be a disclaimer that it’s your blog and not Carnival’s blog!!!!!!!!!! Me and the wife are going on the sailing on Victory on May 29 and last time we got the worst table in the dining room so this time tell the maitre d that we are coming and that we would want a 2-top table for cabin 6308. Who are the comedians at the comedy club? On the Fascination we had a really bad one he was so bad I could have gone up there and done funnier stuff. Hope the ones on Victory will be better.

John says:
Hello A, J.C.,

So, let’s start with your table request which I have sent to the maitre d who will do his best to help you get a table for two. The entertainment schedule for your cruise lots like this:

Sun, May, 29: San Juan – Sail Away Party
Mon, May, 30: St Thomas – Welcome Aboard Show (Chas Elstner / Michael Macy)
Tue, May, 31: at sea – City Lights (Chas Elstner / Michael Macy)
Wed, Jun, 01: Barbados – Deck Party (Manuel Zuniga Jr.)
Thu, Jun, 02: St. Lucia – Vrooom
Fri, Jun, 03: St Kitts – Rand Woodbury (Al Romero / Hank McGauley)
Sat, Jun, 04: St Maarten – Carnival Legends (Al Romero / Hank McGauley)

Now while I don’t know Hank McGauley I do know the others and they are all very funny and will give you many laugh out loud moments.

As for your question if Carnival pays me for my blog………well obviously that’s between me and the beards but I will say that it is still my blog and the disclaimer is obviously there for a reason. For example, if I was to say that your post came across as rude and I really would rather have Rosanne Barr give me a lap dance while giant leaches attached themselves to my bollocks than help you get a table for 2……..well they could say sorry AJC, that’s John saying that and his blog is bugger all to do with us. But luckily I never say those things and so we work together in almost perfect harmony.

I wish you both a wonderful cruise.

John

Debbie asked:
John,

I notice this year they have started thimbles for collectors, I was wondering how I can get one for the Carnival Dream which we sailed on last year. I would like to collect one for each of ship I have been on. The Dream was our first cruise and we just sailed on the Conquest this past Feb. Already planning our next one. Looks like it may be on the Miracle for an 8 day Southern. Love both of the ships and look forward to many more cruises.

John says:
Hello Debbie,

I didn’t know we did these nor did I know they were collectors of them. I think its best you contact the customer service department of our partners who run the onboard gift shops and ask them if you can buy one and it be sent to you. Here is there information:

Starboard Cruise Services, Inc.
Attn: Customer Service Dept.
8034 N. W. 14 Street
Miami, Fl. 33126
Toll Free Phone: 1-800-540-4785 or Outside U.S. Non-Toll Free: 1-305-728-4520
Fax: 786-845-1112

Please let me know if you need further assistance.

Best wishes,

John

Linda Fodrey Barnes asked:
Hi John,

Myself my husband and 2 friends will be traveling on the Magic in October with you I am so excited this will be the cruise that I become a platinum guest and I can’t wait to meet you I follow your blogs all the time. We are in cabin 6435 right now be we have upgraded twice already so we will see…lol. My question is I am taking my 9th cruise with Carnival in May and I want to be sure that my information will be right for me to go platinum is there anything I need to do to be sure it is all ok? I can’t wait for October 16th to come.

Thank you for your help,

Linda

John says:
Hello Linda Fodrey Barnes,

I can feel your excitement and I can tell you that having checked with someone I can confirm that when you sail in October you will be the proud owner of a shiny new Platinum card. So, have a safe journey here and get ready to see some amazing places and to enjoy the most beautiful ship in the fleet.

Best wishes

John

Ian H asked:
Hello John,

Just needed to tell you a huge thank you for the gifts you sent my parents for their 55th wedding anniversary on the Destiny. Mum showed me a photo of the strawberries and the gold ship on a stick and said you made them feel like VIPs. Thanks John and me and the wife and kids will see you in Galveston for the Thanksgiving cruise. Thanks again for being so wonderful to my folks.

John says:
Hello Ian H,

You are welcome mate and please send them my kind regards and I will see you and your family here soon.

Best wishes.

John

That’s all for today.

So get ready because starting today and over the next few days and weeks there will be some exciting news. I know from my Facebook page that many of you have had many questions about itineraries and other subjects and don’t quite understand why we are releasing this information so late. Well, there are many people involved in making these decisions and the process of actually putting these ideas in place takes some time. Anyway, I just wanted to apologise for the delay but I truly believe that most of you will love what we have done and that there will be much rejoicing.

That being said, here is our mate Vance to tell you the news of the day.

For the first time, Carnival Cruise Lines will operate an extended schedule of voyages from Boston with a series of round-trip four- and five-day eastern Canada cruises aboard the 2,974-passenger Carnival Glory beginning in June 2012.  Carnival will be the only cruise line offering short cruises from Boston to the Canadian Maritimes.

On the new program, Carnival Glory will sail from the recently refurbished Black Falcon Cruise Terminal on four-day “long weekend” cruises departing Thursdays to Saint John, New Brunswick, and five-day voyages departing Mondays and Saturdays to Halifax, Nova Scotia; and Saint John.  The program will operate June 10 to July 26, 2012.  A special seven-day cruise will be offered June 3-10, 2012, with visits to Portland, Maine; and Saint John, Halifax and Sydney, Nova Scotia.

“We are thrilled to offer these four- and five-day cruises from Boston which is not only a world-class destination but also provides a convenient and affordable drive-to homeport for millions of Northeastern U.S. residents,” said Gerry Cahill, Carnival’s president and CEO.   “Carnival Glory is a fantastic ‘Fun Ship’ with so much to offer and on these cruises guests can visit charming and historic cities in eastern Canadian Maritimes while enjoying all the fun and excitement that Carnival is known for.”

“Massport’s facilities are economic engines for the New England region and we expected our $11 million in capital improvements to the Black Falcon Cruise Terminal would not only be appreciated by the more than 300,000 passengers who use the facility each year, but it would generate renewed interest from cruise lines in the Port of Boston,” said Thomas J. Kinton Jr., Massport’s CEO & Executive Director. “Bringing Carnival Cruise Lines to Boston for regularly scheduled service is not only good economic news, it will provide New England residents more choices in cruising vacations.”

“We are pleased to welcome Carnival Cruise Lines to Boston, and will work to make their Boston-Canada sailings a success,” said Mike Leone, Massport’s Director of the Port. “Carnival Glory provides a great opportunity for New Englanders and others to enjoy Eastern Canada during the summer months, and the shorter itineraries will be a huge draw for those with limited vacation time or who are looking to getaway for an extended weekend.”

Saint John is a nature lover’s paradise, highlighted by such landmarks as Reversing Falls, where the highest tides in the world intersect with the St. John River and force it to flow backwards twice daily, and the Bay of Fundy, with its gorgeous backdrop of rugged rock formations. Also popular is Saint John’s Historic District, lined with stately Victorian homes, elegant churches and quaint boutiques and eateries.

Founded in 1749 and known as the “Gateway to the Canadian Atlantic,” Halifax is a charming yet cosmopolitan city with outstanding restaurants, shops, and museums and unique cultural experiences. Here, guests can visit Peggy’s Cove, a fishing village famous for its granite coastline, tour the city’s many lighthouses, or observe the changing of the guard at The Citadel, a centuries-old fortress.  Other on-shore activities such as kayaking and hiking are also available.

Guests can also experience the many on-board facilities and features of the Carnival Glory – a 270-square-foot Seaside Theatre poolside LED screen displaying movies, concerts and other programming, a 13,300-square foot spa, four swimming pools – one with the line’s signature Twister Waterslide – along with spacious and modern play areas for children, ’tweens and teens, and Serenity, an exclusive adults-only retreat.  A wide range of dining venues – from twin full-service dining rooms and a two-level casual poolside eatery featuring a 24-hour pizzeria to a sushi bar and a classic American steakhouse – are available, as well.

New York Cruises

Following its cruises from Boston, Carnival Glory will reposition to New York for a series of four-day voyages to Saint John and five-day voyages to Saint John and Halifax from August 1 through September 3, 2012.  Carnival Glory will also offer five week-long fall foliage cruises round-trip from New York to Halifax, Saint John, Boston and Portland, Maine.   Departure dates include September 8, 15, 22, and 29 and October 6, 2012.

Norfolk Cruises

The ship will also operate a series of cruises round-trip from Norfolk, Va., in the spring and fall.  Spring six-day Bahamas departures will be available on May 15, 21 and 27.  In the fall, there will be a six-day Bahamas cruise on October 14 and 22; a five-day Bahamas cruise on October 28, and a special two-day cruise on October 20, 2012.

Congratulations to Boston and having cruised there with the Carnival Destiny in 1997 I know just how much fun the city is and how thrilled they will be to have a Carnival ship there. We will talk more about this soon.

I posted the menu on the last blog and you seemed to like it so let’s see what’s for dinner tonight:

  • Chilled langoustino cocktail served with sauce Louise
  • Smoked salmon cheesecake, layers of smoked salmon, blanched leeks and cream cheese served with caviar vinaigrette
  • Steamed duck pot stickers accompanied by soy mustard dip
  • Bouillabaisse, a French style fish and seafood soup
  • Vietnamese pumpkin and chicken broth spiced with scallions and fried garlic chips
  • Chilled cream of peaches soup
  • Pita crisps and beef kebabs with Greek farmer salad tomatoes, cucumber, bell peppers, onions, olives, romaine lettuce and feta cheese marinated with black olive vinaigrette
  • Penne with artichoke hearts and stewed eggplant in oven charred tomato and basil essence (also available as a starter.
  • Grilled sword fish medallion, new potatoes in aromatic spices, sautéed wild mushroom, tamari mustard sauce
  • Zuppa di pesce cioppino, sautéed shrimps, calamari, octopus, mussels, scallops, fresh fish and vegetables in a light tomato sauce, served with garlic bread
  • Roast rack of New Zealand spring lamb, new potatoes in aromatic spices, apricot and rosemary streusel, grilled zucchini and almonds
  • Grilled New York sirloin steak, served with sautéed wild mushroom, grilled zucchini
  • Baked phyllo pouches, vegetarian entrée; filled with kernel corn and lentils, roasted garlic and pineapple butter
  • Bitter and blanc, warm, dark and white chocolate bread pudding with vanilla sauce
  • Tiramisu, a delicious creamy combination of contrasting flavors, mascarpone cheese with coffee and sweet chocolate
  • Coconut cake, diet coconut sponge cake with a low calorie cream (Dessert is prepared with a sugar substitute)
  • Warm chocolate melting cake served with vanilla ice cream
  • Fresh tropical fruit plate
  • Vanilla • chocolate • strawberry • butter pecan ice cream (Sugar-free ice cream is available upon request)
  • Orange • pineapple • lime sherbet
  • Port salut • brie • gouda • imported Swiss • Danish bleu cheese

What would you have?

Before I sat down here in my underpants to write today’s blog live from Naples I had to go to the lobby to meet a guest. Here is why:

From: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Wednesday, May 25, 2011 6:28 AM
To: MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR
Subject: MEETING WITH CD

Good morning,

Mr___ is wanting meeting with you John. He has been waiting in lobby since 6:15am. Please when you see this can you call me?

Thank you and regards,

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Magic
Carnival Cruise Lines

I saw this at 7:20 am and sure enough when I called the guest services purser front desk thingy associate……..Mr. Wideawake was still there…….waiting for me. Now, whenever a guest wants to talk to me, I always ask the guest services purser person to try and find out why the guest wants to meet and in this case why he had been waiting in the lobby for over an hour and at the ungodly hour of sodding o’clock. But in this case Mr. Wideawake had revealed bugger all which meant that I was facing this guest not having a clue what was going to happen.

I arrived at the desk and the lobby was already busy with people entering the main lounge to be stickered and escort on their Naples excursions. The guest services purser person pointed to Mr. Wideawake who seeing me, rose from the couch and walked toward me. I extended my hand as I always do when meeting someone and I received a firm handshake back from a slight almost frail looking man in his late 60’s. I motioned for him to sit down again and so the discussion began. This was his 28th cruise he told me but his first ever with Carnival and in a very polite, non-aggressive kind of way he spent the next 20 minutes telling me everything he hated about my Carnival Magic which apart from his cabin steward and Ken the maitre d was……well……….. everything. I won’t bother boring you or wasting the end of my typing finger telling you about what was wrong because quite literally it was ……..well……….everything…

Now once I had listened to him berate my ship I asked him who all his other cruises had been on and was expecting to hear the words “of the seas” or his mention of a large X. But I was wrong. This chap had cruised on Renaissance, the Island Princess and recently Seabourn and Silversea. This was the largest ship he had ever been on and his first mega-liner. So obviously hearing this I had to ask why he choose Carnival and I will tell you why this single traveler from a place called “The Villages” in Florida had decided to go from the small ultra luxury ships and sail on (in his mind at least) the not so Carnival Magic.

Until I asked “why” and having heard his list of previous cruises, I had already made my mind up that Carnival wasn’t for him. Sometimes certain people feel comfortable doing, driving, sailing on and wearing different things. I mean, would The Pope ever be found playing Zombie House of Evil Bastards on his Playstationxbox? Would Megan Fox turn up for the Oscars wearing clothes from JC Penney? Can you imagine me as a cruise director on Cunard doing the bedtime story? People tend to know what suits them…..and what doesn’t.

So, there I was thinking all of the above and listening to Mr. Wideawake’s tales from his Seabourn and Silversea and Princess cruises and how he did not like the food here, the entertainment, the decor and the guests and so it was time to ask the obvious question……..why Carnival? Simple he said, “My travel agent had sent me details of the European cruise and the price was excellent so I thought why not?”

Now as much as I was glad that he was there I couldn’t understand why his travel agent knowing his past history would have sent him from the country inn-style, few hundred passenger Seabourn ships to the Carnival Magic. But then I thought maybe there is another side to this because suddenly the words he had used came back to me. “The price was excellent.” This is when I began to realise that I had been too quick to sum this chap up and that even though he wore expensive clothes and was dripping in Rolex, he had looked to Carnival’s price and found something very appealing.

However, I felt sorry for him because he was definitely a fish out of water and there was something else. Now I have never sailed on Seabourn or Silversea but I have been on the Island Princess all be it just for a day. But during that day I discovered a ship that is like a five-star country inn. It’s small and quaint and naturally the few hundred passengers all talk to each other. There are only maybe 2 or 3 lounges and it’s where the entire ship congregates for drinks, dancing and conversation. So you see while we may not have been Mr. Wideawake’s cup of tea I think there may have been something else…………maybe………he was just lonely……..either that or he was simply one miserable moaning old sod.

Well you may remember that toward the end of last cruise the staff played a National Animal Planetographic-type documentary which apart from other things included a lion ripping the head off a gazelle and two zebras having some rumpy pumpy. Well, while I agreed that we shouldn’t have been playing it I didn’t think it was that a big deal. However, one man did because the moment he landed back in the good old USA he sat down and wrote directly to our President and CEO Gerry Cahill suggesting the lions leave Gary the Gazelle and feed on my fat arse instead.

Honestly, I had to talk to a senior beard today who told me that this guest wants me fired because of this. Fired! Yes it was wrong and as a comment said in the blog that I wrote about this mistake “Would you like Kye to see this kind of thing?”…….well no, probably not now, she’s too young but the man who wanted my job had sons of 8 and 11.

I mean, its nature…..where is he telling his kids baby animals come from, Wal-Mart? Sorry but this has really gotten me all pissed off. The fact that I should have to explain this to a senior beard is ridiculous. I didn’t schedule it and I didn’t see the footage because…….oh I don’t know ……….I have been bringing out a brand new cruise ship. I am sorry that he was upset to want my job because of a two humping zebras………..honestly………what a load of bollocks.

Even now I am probably upsetting some folks with my talk of rumpy pumpy…….any rumpy pumpy not just animal rumpy pumpy, of course. Obviously I have to make light of this because I can’t write about rumpy pumpy. Because I am a man. Heidi is home so I have no recent reference point and if to be honest, I am not exactly gifted in that department. For years I thought the Kama Sutra was an Indian restaurant. Heidi knows am I not romantic and her biggest fantasy in the bedroom involves discovering that I have picked my underpants up off the floor. Me writing about rumpy pumpy on this blog would be like asking a vegan to review Carnival Magic’s steakhouse.

While men are ready, willing and able, a woman’s biggest fantasy in the bedroom involves discovering that her husband has picked his underpants up off the floor. Now, when I was a lad I remember that me and my mate ugly Alan as spotty 15 year olds, head to the local library back home and visit the erotic book section. Now back then there were no guidelines, no parental guidance and we were able to read somewhat naughty books. If you don’t know what erotic fiction is I guess its best described as a book you can read with just one…….never mind. But this was though back in the early eighties and erotic fiction was different back then. It didn’t involve being spanked with a table tennis bat by a 6 foot Latvian in thigh high leather boots.

Nope……..this was a little more subtle. These days it would be as arousing as the Norwegian
Epic but back then it was all me and Alan had. And so we would sit in the corner of Southend on Sea Public library reading passages from Lady Chatterly’s Lover and other historical erotic fiction of that era. “His mighty sword pierced her secret chamber.” As Alan and I began to mature we began our search for our own secret chamber in which to put our mighty sword ……… or in Alan’s case his Swiss army knife.

We had loads of code words for this and one of them was of course rumpy pumpy which so often graces the pages of this blog thingy. We also used; hanky panky, slap and tickle, nookie, bonking, and the girls we liked were muffin and crumpet. Calling the girls these names along with the fact that we were both ugly, spotty and had no money meant that it was many, many years before we got to put our swords anywhere near a secret chamber.

And to be honest when we were 15 I doubt had we been presented with the opportunity we would have known what to do with it anyway. I know in North America kids are taught about rumpy pumpy at an early age but it was a little bit different when I was at school. I remember when I was 14 or 15 we were shown something called Where Babies Come From. It featured a laughing couple chasing each other around a bed with a peacock feather before doing the deed. Seriously……… when were you last chased around a bed with a peacock feather? This is the sodding problem with us British. We turn anything involving sex into an episode of Benny Hill.

We can’t expect kids to be mature about this stuff if we behave like tittering schoolboys. I hope these days British schools have caught up with their American cousins and have stopped making rumpy pumpy fun and stick to the ugly, biological facts. With any luck it’ll put my daughter off ever doing “it” until she is 42…………….. And I am dead.

Goodnight.

Your friend,

John

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

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