Well here we go again, another week on your Carnival Magic and we have three days left of this 12-day cruise. I haven’t been sleeping well, don’t know why but it doesn’t matter because I am alive and well and so are you.  I say this because this time last week we were all supposed to be dead and Henry O and his mates would be standing at the Pearly Gates being welcomed into heaven while me and a few of you would be in hell surrounded by fire and brimstone and nonstop Celine Dion music for eternity.

You have to feel a bit sorry for poor old Harold Cramping or whatever his name is the simple sod predicted that the world would end on May 21 and obviously as I sit here writing to you in my underpants it didn’t. And that’s why I feel sorry for him as it can’t be nice having the entire world’s population pointing at you going can’t “na nah na nah nah.”

But bugger me if the silly sod hasn’t gone back to his calculations and realised that oops, he meant to say that the world will actually come to an end on October 21, which does put a damper on the launch of the Carnival Liberty fresh from dry dock and bristling with new features. Even worse for poor old Harold is that whenever anyone sees him looking sad or depressed they will no doubt give him a hug and say “Cheer up, Harold. It’s not the end of the world.”

Time for today’s Q and A…………..let’s get on with it shall we?

Carmen Cartagena Asked:
Can you tell if Carnival is planning to have a ship in Europe for 2013? Planning a group and the most important issue it’s that has to be CARNIVAL!!!


John Says:
Hello Carmen Cartagena

Thanks for asking and so far we have no released any news on this but we’re in the midst of a successful season on the Carnival Magic and Carnival Breeze will sail in Europe in 2012 so never say never I always say. I will obviously let you know as soon as I can. Best wishes


Lenny R Asked:

I see that on the blog you are begging people to go with you on the bloggers cruise and that your sidekick and obvious Carnival employee Mach is doing the same on Cruise Critic by trying to put together a group. Why would anyone want to cruise with a bunch of no life zeros who have some strange fetish about you? I have cruised with you on the liberty and found you to be nothing special at all… I cruise where and when I want to and don’t need the company of others do so. In that regard I am on the dream on June 4 and hope that the smell I have been reading about has gone and that the service issues that have been reported have been taken care of. This will be my platinum cruise. I need the maitre d to have me at a table with single ladies. I wrote this on a post here on April 7 but you have not replied so I ask again. Cabin number is 8256.

John Says:
Hello Lenny R

Goodness me Lenny, I have to say you have thingies the size of a Budweiser horse to write that and then ask me for something. I have asked the maitre d to sit you with a group of single guests as you asked although I may have accidentally asked for him to seat you with a group of single men by accident. Host Mach is a fantastic person who we should hire as he knows more about the product than I do but for now he works as a moderator for Cruise Critic and remains a friend to me. I wish you a great cruise and as for the bloggers cruise reference I think its best I leave any comments on that to others.

Best wishes

Larry Mann Asked:
Hi John (or whoever is reading this),

Two questions…Is the Chef’s Table available on the Imagination? If so how can I make reservations before the cruise? Thanks

Larry Mann

John Says:
Hello Larry Mann

Yes indeed it is and I would be happy to make a reservation for you. All I need is for you to post again with the following details:







I will then send it to the ship and you will receive email confirmation from them. It is a great event that I hope you get chance to experience. Best wishes


Ron Valquez Asked:

Today I read here a comment from a Carnival passenger who said that she was on a Carnival boat from Miami and none of the staff spoke any Spanish and that her parents could not understand nothing. This happened to me as well on the Freedom cruise in November. The ship was at Thanksgiving and most passengers were from South Florida but the ship had only English announcements and jokes were not in Spanish. The Latin band was Mexican and did not play any proper Latin music. Carnival should know that its passengers are from Miami and the area and should provide more Spanish as the language is on the rise in USA and in the case of Miami will soon be officially the language of Miami. Carnival has lots of ships in South Florida and should then have Spanish spoken on them.

John Says:
Hello Ron Valquez

Thank you for your comments and I understand how frustrating it must be for some when they don’t understand the announcements and entertainment. I am going through the same thing here with our large count of international guests. However, we are a product aimed at North Americans in the first place and while we realise that many South Floridians speak Spanish we really aren’t in a position to alter our product. We try hard to accommodate as many people as we can and I am very sorry that you did not enjoy the Latin trio who normally get excellent comments. So please accept my apologies and I hope that despite the communication concerns that you had a great time. By the way, your post was in English and it was written very well indeed. I am sure your comment about Miami and its official language is one I can’t comment on as I don’t live there but I can say that people from all over the USA, Canada and beyond fly to Miami to take a cruise and we can’t therefore make it a Spanish speaking one. I promise to pass your comments to the beards though and thank you for making them.

Best wishes

The Granthems Asked:
Hello John.

I just discovered this blog and it makes my morning coffee even better. Can I ask you about the Steakhouse because I am taking my DW on the Splendor and have reserved a table for Wednesday night? My concern is that she is a vegetarian and I have read conflicting reports that there are and are not vegetarian dishes available so I thought I would ask you.

Keep up the great work
Dave and Katie

John Says:
Hello The Granthams

Thanks so much for those very kind words and I am sure you are getting excited about your Carnival Splendor cruise, in fact I hope I haven’t missed your sailing date. So yes, there are fantastic vegetarian options in the steakhouse and along with the vegetables on the menu, when you order, tell the server and he or she will tell the chef who will make something special. One of the signature vegetarian dishes is the mushroom strudel that I have been told by other vegetablists is fantastic. So welcome to the blog and if I am not too late may I wish you both a wonderful cruise? Best wishes


Rack2 Asked:

I want to know why carnival has a stupid law that stops crew people coming out with passengers. My Mother and me were on the Inspiration and our waiter Jimi was so cute and nice and I wanted him to come to the disco with me but when I asked him he said it was not allowed. I asked the dining manager and he said no to as well. Why does carnival do this it makes me very angry John because I wanted to dance with Jimi.

John Says:
Hello Rack2

Well, that’s a great question and there are two main answers. The first is the most important and that is simply that we do not allow the crew to fraternize with the guests. This is for their safety and yours as I am sure you can imagine. Yes, we want them to be fun and charming and provide brilliant service but that’s it, it has to be strictly professional. I should point out also that with 800 crew members onboard if we were to give them all guest area privileges there would be no space for the guests. So I apologise you felt angry and I hope now that you have seen this explanation you will understand why we have this rule. Best wishes and I hope you had a great cruise


Penny McNulty Asked:

The cabin stewards need to be given instructions that they should introduce themselves to their patrons, we didn’t even know his or her name!!! I took my gratuity away as if they can’t call me by my name or introduce themselves then they get nothing from me. The cabin service was nowhere near as good as our RCL cruise last month. The good news for Carnival is that the food was as good and the steak house pay extra restaurant was the best we have ever had.

John Says:
Hello Penny McNulty

Well there was good news and not very good news in that review. I asked my friend in the office to see what ship you had been on and I see it was the Carnival Paradise on a 4 day cruise if that’s the Penny you are. Anyway, I wanted to know because I needed the ship management to know so they can improve the training of the stateroom steward and I have sent your comments in accordingly. I was though glad to read that you found the food excellent and the steakhouse the same and because of that I hope we will see you again very soon.

Best wishes

Maureen Searle Asked:
Hi John (please reply if you can)

We’ll be on the Magic on June 3rd. Can’t wait!  Can you tell me what would be the best currency to use for extra onboard gratuities?

John Says:
Hello Maureen Searle

I am glad I saw this before you sailed and it’s strange to have two very different comments back to back about gratuities. I would actually suggest dollars as well as Euros; both are fine and thank you for taking care of the crew. We are here ready to give you an amazing cruise and loads of brilliant fun. See you soon.

Best wishes

Tif Asked:
Hello John,

I am planning my first cruise in August, and I was wondering if I need a passport to cruise to the Bahamas?
John Says:
Hello Tif

While having a passport is always recommended, if you are a US citizen if you are traveling to the Bahamas on a closed-loop cruise (meaning a cruise that begins and ends at the same US port), you can use your driver’s license and birth certificate instead of a passport. Hope this helps and let me know if you have any other questions.

Best wishes

Ron Arant Asked:
I have been traveling with Carnival for about 8 years now and one thing I see missing is a Soup Bar.  I know it is usually hot in the islands but soups are great!  They would go well with your Deli Bar and for those who want a light lunch so they can indulge at dinner time.  Also Chicken Soup does really well for those who do not have their Sea Legs and are nauseated.  I feel this would add a great plus to the ship and I am sure Carnival would be the first cruise line to offer a Soup Bar along with their Salad Bar and Deli Bar.

Ron Arant
South Carolina

John Says:
Hello Ron Arant

Now that’s something I have never heard of before and I wonder if it would work? I know our soups are very popular at dinner time and I wonder if anyone else agrees with Ron’s suggestion. Chicken soup is certainly massively popular as is our French onion as well. Thanks for the idea and I will pass it on to the beards. Does anyone else have a comment about this? Best wishes and thank you for cruising with us these past 8 years.



That’s all for today and I will be back with more tomorrow.

Time for my lunch and a bit of Bond. I now watch 30 minutes of a movie during my lunch break, if I don’t do this I find myself blogging or Facebooking and getting bits of tuna in the keyboard so I watch a movie on my little DVD player. I am going through my Bond box set and am currently watching Live and Let Die, starring Roger Moore.

For those of us in the throes of middle age, it is brilliant to watch the elderly Roger Moore as he creaks around the set while younger, fitter women fling themselves at his gentlemen’s sausage. And as I watched I realized that compared to today’s films the violence is about as offensive as a Barney episode… there was no swearing; the violence was as soft as my inner thigh. As for rumpy pumpy, the only racy scene involved Bond and the girl taking off their bathrobes, so that you saw their undraped knees — in the case of Roger Moore, a very wrinkly knee. But it’s a proper Bond movie unlike the bollocks that was Quantom Sodof and Casino Royalmyarse.

Roger and Sean and Pierce and the other chap were proper Bonds. The movie starts of with some random killing before we find Bond in bed with a girl who he had met a few minutes earlier. Hearing his Omega watch go beep which meant his Queen and country needed him he would haul himself from under the sheets, look at the long-legged beauty with no name and say, “My darling. You were brilliant last night. But I am a James Bond and I must go now because I have to blow up the head quarters of the evil Richard Feinfeld before returning to have more rumpy pumpy on the hood of my Aston Martin DBS.”

OK, back to the current world and while I eat a bit of lunch I want you to see what the guests are eating for dinner tonight here on your Carnival Magic.

Chilled supreme of fresh fruit, finished with peach schnapps

New England crab cake, served with apple relish, roasted bell pepper and rosemary remoulade

Grilled Portobello mushroom and handpicked mesclun lettuce, marinated with balsamic, fresh basil and virgin olive oil

Fatuous salad, garnished with arugula, mint, feta cheese and flat bread

American navy bean soup, simmered with root vegetables

Lobster bisque, hearty lobster soup with cream and oak wood aged brandy

Mango cream, iced mango cream soup, spiced with fresh ginger

Grilled chicken breast, served over fettuccine, tossed in mushroom cream (also available as a starter)

Norwegian salmon with dill mousseline, grilled salmon fillet with a dill butter sauce, creamed garlic spinach, gratin potatoes

Panko-crusted jumbo shrimp, artichokes, sun ripened tomatoes and kernel corn medley

Barbecued, whole Cornish game hen, marinated with southern herbs and spices

Tender roasted prime rib of American beef au jus, baked potato with traditional toppings

Zucchini and eggplant parmigiana, vegetarian entrée; served on a lake of pomodoro sauce

Variations of strawberries upside down strawberry cake, strawberry sorbet, strawberry and mascarpone cream

Chocolate mousse crepe, served in banana bisque with candied fruit

Tropical fruit lasagna, marinated berries, mangoes and papayas on phyllo with guava sauce

Dessert is prepared with a sugar substitute

Warm chocolate melting cake, served with vanilla ice cream

Fresh tropical fruit plate

Vanilla • chocolate • strawberry • butter pecan ice cream

Sugar-free ice cream is available upon request

Orange • pineapple • lime sherbet

Port Salut • brie • Gouda • imported Swiss • Danish bleu cheese


What would you have?

It’s been a difficult few days as I have spent much of my time dealing with a few really disgruntled guests. One or two have valid points. One has a noise complaint. Her cabin is right above Ocean Plaza and she goes to bed at 9 pm every night and she is disturbed by the music. This has resulted in me having to change the style of music I have there, as well as the hours. I have moved the Blood Power band to the Lido and the back lounge and placed one of our duos there instead and I have them finishing at 11 pm as appose to 12:30 am as normal. I understand this lady’s concerns and we are sold out of cabins so we have nowhere to move her to. Hopefully this change will allow her a better night’s sleep.

The other comments are most from guests who are……well quite honestly a bit ummmmm …… strange. Ken, the maitre d had one table all demand a different table or the removal of one couple because they were so mean and nasty to the waiter. Apparently they were clicking their fingers and unbelievably calling him “boy.” Anyway, Ken has delicately given them a table for two so all is well. This is the same couple by the way who made this comment.

Sent: Saturday, May 31, 2011 8:33 AM
Subject: ———-

Good afternoon

Please could you read the below CRS and update us accordingly. Sorry the guest was upset about everything yesterday.


Guest continued to advise that she thinks it’s disgraceful that you get no free drinks during the casino. Guest also wants meeting with John about the shows. Guest has also stated that she wants another state room steward as her current one________________ has according to guest been looking through her clothes (guest specified her underwear and night clothes) John, please call the guest and I have also spoken to the HKM as well.

Guest Services Associate | Carnival Magic | Carnival Cruise Lines |

Well the show, Groove Line received two huge standing ovations and if you take her comments about this and her table mates wanting her off and the fact that she thinks the stateroom steward is looking through her drawers…….literally. Anyway, I shall be meeting with her today and will listen calmly to what she has to say and do my very best to sooth her troubled brow but there are times when you know that even before I go and see her that there will be little I can do to change not just her opinions but her outlook on life. I will listen though and do my best for her. So off I go to meet her and I will be back soon.

Here I am and I was right, my 30 minutes with her made absolutely bugger all difference. I am sure the skeptics amongst you are thinking that it can’t have been that bad and you would be wrong. I wish I could secretly film these conversations but, obviously, I can’t. I especially would have like to have done that this morning just so you can enjoy the sight of me bobbing around like a boxer moving my head from side to side, something I had to do in order not to be covered in her spittle, which was flying out of her mouth like a venomous cobra. I couldn’t help but think of the late great and much missed Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin who if he had been faced with this venomous creature would have grabbed her by the end of her legs and swung her around the Carnival Magic lobby shouting “Blimey, she’s a little grumpy.”

Mrs. Cobra hates the shows, the service and her stateroom steward which we have changed to a female steward already. I apologized as did the guest services manager who was with me but our apologies meant very little to her and she left saying of course that she should be compensated her stateroom steward was allegedly wearing her underpants……..which of course he wasn’t. She won’t be getting any compensation just our apologies and in fact it’s me that should get some compensation from her because my blue blazer looks like it has been given the good news by a flock of birds with explosive diarrhea.

It’s easy to concentrate on people like Mrs. Cobra and forget to mention that 99% of the people who cruise Carnival week in and week out have the best of times, but it’s always that 1% that are the most vocal. This cruise I have had many great comments, like this.



And that’s why I keep going because I know that for most of our guests the Carnival product and the crew that provide it remains the absolute best in the industry. But it is as I said the very few that take up most of your time. Do you remember the comment I posted here, or was it on Facebook; I can’t remember which but it was about the costumes in the show which the gentlemen in question described as “deeply offensive.” Well, he won’t let it go and has written to me three times and when the captain met him on elegant night he gave him both barrels as well. I personally don’t find them offensive and based on my experience most of our guests agree. There are no G-string numbers as of old just flashes or leg and thigh and a bit of bottom as the dancers jump, twirl and do what dancers do. The guest is middle aged and married but it seems that he thinks that a woman’s legs grow directly from her midriff with no bits in between, like a Mrs. Potatohead.

Of course there’s another explanation — that this man is one of the seemingly growing band of habitual complainers who spend their lives seeking reasons to be offended, who’d see sinful messages in Barney and probably cover up the table legs at home lest he is tempted to dry hump them. I mentioned some weeks ago that when I started as a CD I simply don’t remember people complaining. It seems thought that the more we add to the ships and the more we offer our guests on a Carnival cruise vacation the more some guests demand that his or her voice be heard.

But my growing concern is that complainers enjoy a ridiculous amount of power. It requires just one person to say something and once it’s recorded onboard it has to be investigated and reported back on to the beards. Now don’t get me wrong, we make mistakes and is our product perfect? ……. No, absolutely not and constructive criticism is of massive importance and we (I) must listen. But the industry as a whole seems to have opened two massive barn-size doors and put a huge welcome mat down that says “complainers welcome.” And now after many hundreds of thousands of dollars in refunds and lashings of fruit baskets later… it’s now bloody impossible to close them.

Just once I wish I could be like Basil.


Your friend


P.S. Here are today’s Fun Times, from the Carnival Valor!

Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

162 Responses to Just Once………. I Want To Be Like Basil

  1. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:

    Lenny R:

    If you notice a smell of sewage on the Dream…it will only be the result of you having your head up your arse.


    • Ron Valquez,

      The language of the USA is still ENGLISH. So if you live here speak it. If your address on your booking is USA how is Carnival to know you don’t conform to the norm. When a ship has a high number of passengers booked from Mexico or Spain they try to have some Spanish speaking staff on hand if needed because they come from a Spanish speaking country.

      BIG Ed

      BIG Ed

      • John R says:

        The USA has no official language. The most prevalent language is English, followed by Spanish.

        • John R,

          To become a citizen of this United States of America you must “Be able to speak, read and write conversational English”.

          BIG Ed

      • Den from Canada says:

        Some people just don’t realize they are the only person who can make themselves happy, no matter what others around them do for them. This makes them obviously chronic complainers. As for the language debate… : “While English doesn’t have the most speakers, it is the official language of more countries than any other language”-Taken from website: http://listverse.com/2008/06/26/top-10-most-spoken-languages-in-the-world/.
        So since this is the language most countries seem to adopt, this should be the top consideration for what language communications should be delivered in. Makes sense.

    • Kathy G. says:

      LOL! Great response! I sure am glad I am not a single lady on that sailing – and I NEVER thought I would ever say that!

  2. Dear Lenny R U NUTS,

    I don’t think you ever been on a Bloggers cruise. If you had you wouldn’t be making a arse out of yourself here. I’ve been on all 4 of the past BC and already booked for BC5. In fact it was my idea to have the very first BC.

    The bloggers that have joined my Evil Crew have become a family. So I would suggest you don’t book BC5 because we don’t want you in our family of real friends.

    I hope you get put at a table for one stuck away in the darkest corner so no one has to put up with your BS.

    BIG Ed
    Founder of the Evil Crew

    • D iceman says:

      You are a Tool Lenny R.
      Get a Life.


    • Valerie says:

      To remove a tip from a cabin steward for not introducing himself and calling you by name?? Shame on you. I bet your room was cleaned, you bed was made and turned down and your ice bucket full. Again… SHAME ON YOU.

    • Ralph says:

      I hope the table you booked for Lenny R …is occupied by the same types of inbred gentlemen…who had their way with Ned Beatty in the movie “Deliverance”. Now that’s what I would call “Rumpy Pumpy”!!

      • Liz says:

        Even worse, fill it with people most like himself.

      • Keighty says:

        I am quite sure that this guy is one of those perpetually single guys because he creeps out the single women he meets. DON’T SIT HIM WITH SINGLE LADIES! He’ll ruin their dining experience!

    • Steve O says:

      Well said Big Ed. We certainly don’t want him on any Blogger’s Cruises….they are special and he is NOT.

      Steve O
      Proud member of your Evil Crew

    • Kathy M says:

      Hey Ed, if and when John ever has a Bloggers Cruise on the West Coast, will you be booking it. I would love to see how you and John interact.

  3. Ashley says:

    I applaud Carnival for only being an english spoken ship. I’m glad that I don’t have to hear every announcement made on board the ship in both English and Spanish, since I am sailing from America, where the national language is English.

  4. Dutchman says:

    Soup Bar along with their Salad Bar and Deli Bar (YES) its time has come. I always look for soup at lunch, but what I find is not that great. In the MDR the soup is great, why not the same on the lido deck ? We have soup and a salad or sandwitch for lunch and sometimes for dinner. Must not be an across the pond thing.

    • i agree, the soup bar sounds wonderful! and if it’s really hot out the chilled soups are diving!

    • Don in Kentucky says:

      It would be wonderful to have soup on the salad bar maybe with some bread sticks as well. John, we love your blog and hope someday to catch backup with you.

    • Kathy N says:

      I, too, would be delighted to see a couple of soup selections added to the Lido buffet. I enjoy it anytime I can find it in any season or climate.

    • Amber D says:

      Yes to the soup bar! Fabulous idea!!

    • DINKS says:

      i’d laddel down some of last nights MDR beef barley for lunch, or haw about serving it up for the late night, the fish dont need it.. ‘_’

  5. LaSaintly says:

    Lenny R… You must have a pair of large ones. How are you going to throw jabs and then in turn ask for something? Really Lenny?

    I do hope the seating arrangement request gets lost in translation. As to the smell, you’ll probably carry it on to the Dream with you.

    What is wrong with some of these people? They have this air of entitlement. Absolutely no home training, manners whatsoever. Whatever happened to “please”, “if you can”,
    “if it is not much to ask”, and finally, “thank you”? Sheesh!

  6. Susie Trimble says:

    Hi John,

    I just thought you should know I cruised on the Carnival Paradise in April and had Oakley as my cabin Steward. He introduced himself to me the 1st day. Several times during the cruise he would open my cabin door for me, he was very attentive and charming. I will also being cruising on the Paradise in three days Jun 3rd and again July 8th. It is one of my favorite ships. My mom (prior to her passing) and I never had a bad Steward, waiter or staff in general.

    • DINKS says:

      agreed! 3 times in Paradise, 4th coming up in two weeks.
      Susie, u kno we’re getting a new short week ship in a couple months? Paradise is going to Florida in this fall.

  7. Lizz Mehegan says:

    John ~ Could Carnival please compensate me for a new computer monitor as I have just once again spewed liquid all over mine reading your blog. The visual of someone dry humping a table leg was too damn funny!

    Thanks for all you do and the humor you bring to my day.



  8. Leon Biesiadecki says:

    Guests should be shown that video when they book a cruise and asked who they agree with. If they agree with the woman, cancel their reservation!

  9. Diane Shepherd says:

    Lenny R – I am SO glad this single lady isn`t sailing on June 4th on the Dream. PS: Do keep us abreast of your next cruise choice so that we single ladies can be sure to avoid it!

  10. Joe H says:

    But the problem with being Basil is that you are excellent at guest relations and Basil . . . isn’t.


    My partner and I had a spectacular time on the Magic Inaugural trip, and every Carnival crew member did an outstanding job. We are planning on being on the Breeze as well, next year.

    I just cannot fathom the clueless and boorish attitudes of some of the complainers, like the imbecilic woman who wanted you to wash her clothes because it rained in Croatia. Have they never traveled before? The reason one goes abroad is to have experiences that one cannot have at home, and if a little rain enters the equation, then one has a fun story to tell.

  11. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    Just once I would love to hear Carnival tell Mrs. “the cabin steward is wearing my underwear” that they are insane.

    That their complaint is ridiculous and not waste your time.

    And people like Penny McNulty should be banned from cruising period. Any moron that would STEAL a cabin steward’s wages just because they did one thing wrong does not deserve to sail on a cruise ship. They are a CHEAT and a THIEF!! And calling them a bus rider is just to good for them.

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  12. John I dont know this Lenny Character, and have cruised 10 times so far, on Carnival. We have booked for the Bloggers next March! We are quite excited to meet all this friendly people including you and Mach (who has been a great help for us) Lenny needs to take a swirly (which is when one gets his head into the toilet} and flush! Speak for yourself Lenny and dont speak for those of us you do NOT know!We are booked and have our tickets for our flights as well as 2 days in Texas before the cruise! See you in about9 months, but who is counting??!!!!

  13. debbie marino says:

    Last I heard English was still the “official” language of North America!
    John, I think a soup bar would be an awesome addition! Excellent Blog tonite! Thanks for everything!

  14. Kim Walker says:

    Regarding the soup… Excellent idea! I’m one of those cruisers the complainers hate. I’m not sophisticated, refined, worldly knowledgeable, and love t shirts and jeans. While on Carnival I’ve been able to try things I wouldn’t normally even know available. One of those things are the chilled soups. Goodness had I been missing out! The strawberry soup is nothing short of amazing! I think if soups, both hot and cold were available, loads of people would partake. Tomato Soup and grilled cheese brings back memories of childhood, while a BLT and strawberry soup would be a wonderful lite lunch before a grand dinner.

    Concerning the complainers, I feel really bad for them. Can you imagine a life where all you see is the bad? Where not even a vacation can make you happy? There are plenty of us who love what is offered on Carnival that if I were you I would only acknowledge these complainers to see if they were valid points, then suggest they go to the boring cruise lines for their next getaway. Which brings me to my on going question in my head, WHY would some of these people even book on Carnival? I mean I do because I like relaxed, non stuffy, non pretentious, party atmosphere, high energy, down to earth things. I wouldn’t book on the cruiseline that is formal every night, stuffy, in bed by 9, high class lines because it doesn’t suit ME. I would think that everyone when booking a vacation would take their likes/dislikes into consideration when choosing where to go and what to do! To me, they are being stupid in their planning, almost like if I were to plan a ski vacation- hate isn’t a strong enough word for how I feel about cold and snow- I simply would hate everything no matter how good the food was, how excellent I was treated, or how much their was to do… I would not be happy. I think this is what’s wrong with these people. They should book on a line that suits them

  15. Leasa says:

    Hi John! I just love the blog! Thanks for the daily laughs I’m so glad I’ve gotten back to it! Now, let me say, Lenny R! You are a complete ass! I work in the resort industry and there seem to be more of your kind popping up out there. You think for some reason, that you can insult the very person you want to help you and that he will just do as you demand. We have a saying here in the south for people like you. Bless your heart. I have never been on a bloggers cruise and I have never met John, but I have been reading his blogs from the beginning. He is one of the funniest people in the world and also one of the kindest as well. I know this simply from following his writing. I hope to be able to go on a cruise with him someday and I will say that would be an honor for me. As for your comment about him not answering your table request, I believe he did answer you. I can’t imagine sitting at a table with someone as rude and unkind as you. If you see nothing special about John, why are you reading his blog? I think perhaps you should get a life and realize it’s not all about you! Big Ed and Linda, I really hope to meet you someday too! Love ya John!

    • Rita Presnell says:

      You just said what I was planning to say. Thanks. These people are stupid crazy!!!!!

  16. Catrin says:

    That clip totally made me smile! I am sure Basil is your hero! Don’t you WISH???

    Why can’t people just RELAX and enjoy the fact they are on vacation! And Bravo to that family who wrote to you that they are having a wonderful time!


  17. Dave Myerly says:


    RE: Announcements in various languages…

    I still support ALL announcemnets be made throughout the ship inclduing the cabins as a safety measure however, I think Carnival (being and International Cruise Comapny) should always make announcements in several languages. Each cruise would be different depending on the percent of passengers from each different country. For instance recently you had 450 Russians aboard which was about 30% of the passenger count. That should have gaurunteed Russian announcements as well as English and probably one or two others (Korean or Japenese or Chinese and French or Spanish or Mexican or Serbic languages.

    • Kathy M says:

      Dave, you have to be kidding. English is our official language, but now we have Spanish being pushed down our throats at every turn. When I cruised to Mexico, out of all the people I met down there, only one person spoke English, but I didn’t expect any of them to speak English because I was in THEIR COUNTRY.

      • Victoria Ryder says:

        Kathy you are so right–We live in Central Fl and I am so sick of hearing on the phone “press 1 for English, dos for Spanish”

        I have nothing against the Hispanic, Cuban population, but if you live in THIS country learn to speak English !

      • Terri says:

        I soooo agree with you guys. I hate the fact that we now see Spanish Billboards EVERYWHERE and a million other things in Spanish! If you want to come here and live to have the freedoms we have here then learn to speak our language and STOP complaining about how we discriminate against you! You are no better than anyone else and shoudlnt get special priviledges just because you are hispanic! I guarantee you if I went to live in Mexico they wouldnt change their language or anything else for that matter just for me!

    • Linda (Mom of DJ) says:

      Dave: The safety announcement is the only one that is required to be made in a foreign language IF there is a certain percentage of any nationality onboard.

      Otherwise, it is a ridiculous waste of time to make every announcement in multiple languages.

      When I spent 2 weeks in Italy (20 years ago), I learned enough Italian to get by.

      AT that time, only 13% of the Italian population spoke English. I realized I was in THEIR country and they had no obligation to speak another language just because I as there.


      • Linda (Mom of DJ) says:

        Btw, Carnival does provide the Fun Times in their language and the menus if they need it.


  18. Sharon says:

    Just want to say chin up, my friend. I agree that some people just want to complain about anything and everything. Personally, if I’m on a cruise I’m happy!

  19. Steve O says:

    Dear John (Basil),

    YES, I wish you could be like Basil ALL THE TIME. Yee Gods, you have had some extra “special” guests and postings recently.

    Your response to “Lenny R” was TERRIFIC. Here’s hoping his single tablemates find him as ridiculous as his posting to you. What a load of stuff that was. I liked the way you slipped in some “Basil” with your reply. Hopefully we won’t have to have him on ANY Blogger’s Cruise in the future.

    “Mrs. Cobra” seems like a truly delightful guest. The ONLY way to tame that cobra is to have her new female steward put several pair of YOUR underpants in that drawer with hers…..perhaps with a “ship-on-a-stick” tucked between them OR have the Captain put her off at the next port. She deserves nothing less.

    It’s rather sad that you and the staff have to put up with these people….and, as I’ve said numerous times….NO FRUIT BASKETS FOR THEM!!! Please slip a little more “Basil” into your replies when you are able, it’s what some of them need.

    Your OLD mate,
    Steve O

  20. Martha says:

    I like the idea of a couple different soups available at the deli. Maybe change them each day. Even though it is hot here at home in the summer – I still eat soup.

  21. Doug says:

    Lenny R:
    I am on the June 4th Dream cruise and if you decide to play your little game, you might be swimming! Play nice and be quiet!!

  22. Host Mach from Cruise Critic says:

    Aloha, Lenny R!

    Wow… are you missing the boat! I certainly don’t work for Carnival and, for that matter, I don’t even work for Cruise Critic. ‘Host’ positions are manned by volunteers and aren’t employed.

    Begging? I don’t see John begging nor am I. I’ve gotten a fairly stunning 160 requests for information about the Blogger’s Cruise and, I believe this is correct, we currently have about 150 folks booked… Trying to put together a group? I didn’t have to try at all.

    Sad folks like you will never understand why people like John. John has a sense of humour (I spelled it that way for you, John, just to piss of Lenny…) and you certainly don’t. John is generous and you’re a selfish bastard as evidenced by your request.

    John, I’m hoping that you asked the Maitre d’ to seat Lenny with all single women… all 90 years old or older.

    Lenny, get off my ships. You don’t belong on Carnival ships. Remember, they’re the Fun Ships and you don’t have a single clue about fun.

    All the best. Have a great life… elsewhere…


    Host Mach

    • Rita Presnell says:


    • parmagal says:

      Please NO, Mach! Even a table of 90 year-old women deserve better than to be burdened with the likes of Lenny!

      • Host Mach from Cruise Critic says:

        You’re right, of course. I should have said 90 year old men… with bladder control problems. That’s likely too good for him, also…

    • Jacqueline says:

      Mach, brilliant answer. Thanks for that!

    • Marsha Breen says:

      Perfect response!

    • GeorgeR780 says:




    • Bill and Bunny says:

      Cheers to a well written response! I can not think of any group that I would put someone like Lenny with other than a table on another cruise line … No, not even that. A table for one on a rubber boat in shark infested waters maybe.


    • Terri says:

      WOO HOOO Host Mach, That is what I call a good response to stupidity. Lenny R. STAY HOME i sure hope I never cruise with you!

  23. MaureenR says:

    omg.. fawlty towers is tooo funny ! Pooooor John.. I would not want to spend a day in your shoes.. nope.. not even for a minute.. well.. maybe for 1 minute..during the marriage game.. lol. For the person who thinks a ship should have spanish announcements, I don’t recall USA having two official languages? nope.. In North America only Canada does for now.. English/French… and for the sod who puts down the blogger cruise.. seems he finds you interesting enough to come to your blog for a good read, doesn’t he? The hypocrite ! lol.

  24. helen says:

    this is directed at Lenny, there is no way i would welcome you at a table to sit with us single women. You are not a gentleman. You stated this comment” I cruise where and when I want to and don’t need the company of others do so” You don’t need the company of single women, you need to go sit in a corner all by yourself, i would not want to be in your company with any of that attitude.. I would not want my daughter to bring you home… manners are important and apparently you don’t have that gene in your gene pool.

  25. Helene Barnes says:

    I love love love Fawlty Towers – has always been one of my favorite sitcoms of all times!

    I think you are absolutely right that it seems that folks in general just like to complain. I often have this discussion with my DH and it seems to be in every aspect of society. I sincerely believe it is because each generation seems to want to give the next generation just a little more. Unfortunately it means that eventually you have a society of people who believe the world owes them everything and who don’t like to take responsibility for their own actions. It is very sad and the only way I know of reeling things back is to well do exactly as you are doing – listen, and say sorry you feel that way, but have a nice day. No one deserves compensation for being negative about everything!

    On a side note – Lenny R – we have a saying in law enforcement that someone can be DWHUA that means driving while head up ass – in your case you were WWHUA – writing while head up ass! Try taking your head out a bit and smell the sweet air – it might clear your nasty little mind up and stop you from becoming more of an ass than you already are! Realize that someone as negative as yourself more than likely will die a young age. Stress kills dude – While I have never been on a BC I personally can’t wait to meet all the positive wonderful folks that I have found here on the blog. Honestly I doubt very seriously that anyone on the BC would miss you!

    Love ya John – sorry for the rudeness of folks but thank you for handling things with such decency. You and people like you all over Carnival’s fleet is why my hubby and I ONLY choose your ships! Have a great day!

  26. Deborah Rosato says:

    To the person from South Florida – You live in America – learn the English language

    • Mark Thomas says:

      Just to add to the conversation, Miami/Dade County has informally voted, as a county, not just elected officials, to make English the language of choice. I lived in Miami in the 50’s-60’s when the Cubans left at the end of Batista’s reign. They learned English! They wanted to know! I was in school with them. The later immigrants, both legal and illegal have not chosen to learn English, or like my Puerto Rican neighbors, revert to “No habla Englis” when it suits their purpose.

      You are in the US….learn English as your primary language. Learn Spanish or ebonics as your second language if you wish. I know my Spanish helps when we travel to countries where they speak Spanish as their “official” language.

    • John R says:

      Although the USA does not have an official language, the state of Florida does and it is indeed English.

      • John R,

        But to become a citizen of this United States of America you must “Be able to speak, read and write conversational English”.

        BIG Ed

    • Linda (Mom of DJ) says:

      AMEN !!!!!!!!!!1

  27. Sharon says:

    Dear John,
    My son and his soon to be wife will be on Carnival Imagination sailing May 27th 2012 out of Tampa,Fl.They will be getting married on this cruise,which is so fitting because they met and got engaged on the Carnival Fun Ships.We would love it if you could manage to be on this ship-we have sailed with you before and just love you!Hope to see you soon!
    We always sail Carnival and thanks to me he is a platinum member.
    Please respond to my e-mail,thank you.

  28. Nancy Letchford says:

    I am one of those 99% who love our cruises. I am a nurse and work with the public and there is always someone you can not please. Luckily we have drugs and laxatives at our disposal…..we get them in the end! Love your blogs…..keep smiling for all of us who know how you feel!

    • Sue Ascencio says:

      People like Penny just look for an excuse to not have to tip. CHEAP is CHEAP !!! She would not leave a tip if her Stewards stood on their heads and kissed her feet ( or arse ).
      These type of people do everything they can to try and get something for free. And sadly…they know how to do it. Yell loud enough and have the customer is always right attitude. My ARSE !!

    • Tim Limbach says:

      The problem with the Lenny Arse of this world is they take up all of John’s blog space, which then denies the rest of us more of John’s interesting stuff.

    • Kerri B says:

      OMG Lenny you arogant ignorarmus!!!! Of course you don’t need anyone to cruise with you…..no one bloody will!!!! with an attitude like you’ve got.

      With a bit of luck you will be put on a table with 7 99 year old beautiful ladies and they can tell you what they think of you!


    • Cindy G says:


      I found your blog a couple a months ago after I booked my first cruise and I must say it is the highlight of my day to read. Don’t let the ignorant people get you down.

      I will say this, when you do have to meet with people like Mrs. Cobra, it would be better if you did video tape it. You should advise them that you are video taping the meeting and have them sign off that they understand it was being taped. You could tell them it is used to provide training material for your employees or that you are providing the beards with information they can use to implement better policies fleet wide. The main thing would be to protect your bum should anyone state that something “hinky” went on during the meeting. Although you have these meetings with another crew member present still won’t prevent someone claiming something untrue happened. Not all but some people would handle themselves quite differently if they knew they were being videoed.

      Last thing, Lenny, I feel sorry for any single women that gets seated at a table with you regardlesss of their age. You are the type of person that must think the sun shines out your arse for the rest of the world to enjoy. Thankfully the sun shines without any influence from you.

      Cindy G

      • DINKS says:

        Cindy G
        no No NO !
        If the guest knew they were being filmed, then John wouldn’t have a story to tell and no blog to write, and no job and he would be able to stay home with wife and child. . . wait, did i just write that?
        John! hide the camera. ‘_’

    • Dutchman says:

      I do not want to hear announcements in several languages for 1/2 hr every time there is a announcement.

    • MarkinFL says:

      Re: Spanish language/ Miami
      I would bet that it is a very small minority of passengers out of Miami that do not speak English. I lived in South Florida for 20 years and while Spanish is widely spoken, only a relatively few immigrants do not speak English at all.
      I do agree that any emergency messages should be translated into as many languages as is feasible.

  29. annette says:

    Oh John, how right you are about the complainers. Give them the John Cleese “treatment” and carry on. You know the complainers get off on it…its a total power trip. They brag to others afterwards that they complained and got their way…they perceive themselves as powerful. Just patronize them to their face and ignore them. Let them write to Cahill, then Carnival can give them a 10% discount on their next cruise to appease them and they can turn around and spend more money on Carnival…think of it as the new loyalty program.

  30. M says:

    As for your last comment about people complaining…the more these complaints are rewarded, the more people think “well he gave so and so something for complaining…so let’s see what we can get”. Case in point would be you guys doing Rain Mamm’s laundry. That act alone will open up the door to people asking for more ridiculous stuff!

    • richstowe says:

      Had to read though over 140 responses to see if just one person would state the obvious. Thank you although you are more subtle then I would have been.

  31. Helene Apper says:

    Unfortunately John, the world has become a world of people with self-entitlement issues. I booked a young couple in an inside cabin at the lowest possible rate on a ship. They couldn’t understand why they didn’t have a window. They couldn’t understand why there was nothing to do on their level. They felt they were entitled to some sort of refund. Uh..NO. (Keep in mind I specifically told them the pros and cons of this particular cabin).

    However, on a good note, the idea of the soup bar is BRILLANT. One of my favorite things is the chilled soups. Why couldn’t they be on the Lido deck buffet? It wouldn’t have the same presentation, but they are yum yum yummy.

    And as to the person on the Paradise, it is a problem on that ship. 3 and 4 day cruises make it difficult for the room stewards to breathe, let alone get to know their passengers. However, I have been on the Paradise many times and my room steward has always been present and accounted for with a smile on his face. Maybe the guests just weren’t available when the room steward was. The best room steward is the one you never have to see (but want to like my Gabriel on the Splendor who I still have a crush on).

    And I realy think you should sit Len R at a table of 12 singles – 11 gay men and him (he will at least learn to laugh and have fun).

  32. Tracey Roth says:

    I think soup would be good on the buffet. Or even better, on the room service menu! As mentioned chicken soup would be good for those that may be feeling the boat move. I know that other lines offer it on their room service menu and I ordered it a few times.

  33. Sharon says:

    I really love the idea about the soup bar! That would be a great addition to lunch! Please, John, ask the beards about it!

  34. Sherry says:

    Oh JOHN JOHN JOHN!!! LOL…..I so understand where you are coming from wanting to be Basil. I have the very same issues with the guests that just insist on having SOMETHING to complain about. I would just ONCE love to tell them that if they find that much to be wrong with Carnival then maybe they should travel on the mall of the seas. Where I am sure…they will not try as hard as Carnival does to make each guest happy. (Even as impossible as it is)

  35. CruisinSue says:

    To Lenny R

    I think you are just about as disgusting as I have seen.
    For your information, there are die hard followers of John and there are die hard fans of CCL.
    It takes a big set of ’em to be so downright rude and then ask for a favor. With your nasty attitude, I can see why you need help with the single ladies. I hope you get a table with ladies that smell like an ox’s behind.
    As for Mach, I am not a member of cruise critic, but have met and cruised with him a couple of times. He is a great person and we enjoyed meeting him.
    You need to go back to the farm and stick your head in the dung where you came from. I sure hope to never see you on a cruise…of course I will know it is you by the smell.

    John, thanks for all you do. Keep up the good work and give my best to the girls!!

    (Departing on cruise #50 in September)

    Gloria aka Sue

  36. Megan Samarel says:

    I love the idea of a soup bar. Two or 3 hot soups and a cold soup would be a great addition to the lido offerings.

  37. My goodness John. I said it once and I’ll say it again you Cruise Directors are far to sweet with people like Mrs’ Cobra and her husband. Anyone that snals their fingers and calls the waiter boy ought to be thrown out of the dining room not given their own table. They are the rudeness human beings, disresptable people and they are less then 1% of the negative people that cruise. Throw them off on the nearest city and give them back their sticking money. Their money isn’t worth all the problems and venom that you have to put up with. You should be like Basil.

    Paul F. Pietrangelo

  38. GeckoGal says:

    Love the idea of the soup bar. Could even feature a cold soup now and then!

  39. “Cheer up, Harold. It’s not the end of the world.” john that was one of the funniest things i ever read! thanks for the laugh tonight my friend! and don’t let the complainers get you down.

    smiles, bee

  40. bazarr2 says:

    Lenny, your personality sucks I have no doubt is the reason behind you being single. Why don’t you move onto other cruiselines that appreciate your rudeness, not sure why you are even cruising with Carnival if you find it so distainful. 🙁

  41. Dan Kriwitsky says:

    A soup bar? Just what I want to see on a rough sea day. Some 90 year old walking by my head with a scalding bowl of melted chicken fat and little bits of hot pasta.

  42. ingrid joyal says:

    Nancy: “We have laxatives….we get them in the end” LOL! was that intentional? Funny!

  43. Paul Salata says:

    Lenny R has the worst case of Rectal
    Astigmatism I have ever seen.

  44. len susman says:

    I think your response to TIF is wrong and the US now requires passports period.. the birth certificate drivers license used to work but was changed. Think you need to check with Miami on this and perhaps correct

    • Host Mach from Cruise Critic says:

      Len, unless I missed something last night that is incorrect and John is right. Under the Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative the document requirements for a closed loop cruise, one departing from and returning to the same port in the US, is a valid state issued birth certificate and a state issued picture ID like a driver’s license. This law went into effect on June 1 of 2009. Here’s a link to the information: http://www.getyouhome.gov/html/lang_eng/eng_sa.html

    • Simon says:

      Actually you are the one that is wrong, the advise that John gave regarding US citizens and round trip cruises is correct

    • Jes says:

      We just book for Oct, and as long as it’s a closed loop cruise, driving into Canada or Mexico you’re still okay to get by w/a birth cert. & drivers lic. But for some reason, ie emergency, you have to fly home you’d need a passport, the Passport card doesn’t work for airlines either.

  45. ann mccleskey says:

    hello john, thanks for the blog thingy. first of all soup at the deli is a great idea.
    now! i once had to have my cabin steward paged to give him his extra tip. never saw him the whole cruise but everything was always perfect. everything always is on a Carnival cruisw
    ann from schulenburg

  46. Chris Yust says:

    But John, you do get to be like Basil…on your blog thingy and FB! And we laugh with you just like we laughed with Basil. You are brilliant!!

    • MarkinFL says:

      I actually find John to be quite restrained in his response to many outrageous posts. He gives far more respect than is earned. Basil on the other hand….

  47. len susman says:

    From your Carnival Web site

    You can closed loop still use it *thought it was changed ?


    It is recommended that all guests travel with a valid passport during their cruise. This will enable guests to fly from the U.S. to meet their ship at the first port should they miss their scheduled embarkation and allow guests that must disembark the ship before their cruise ends due to an emergency to fly back to the U.S without significant delays and complications. It is also recommended that all guests travel with a passport valid for at least 6 months beyond completion of travel.

    This may be outdated

  48. Laurie says:

    Wishing you a fabulous cruise and a table full of single women…. half under 15 and the other half over 80… enjoy your tablemates!

    You are a fortunate individual to be able to speak two languages but sadly, not many folks do. Carnival should look into this – but should also consider all the languages spoken in Europe for the Med cruises as well….

    And to John…..
    I just had to set up Fawlty Towers on my Netflix instant que – so I can laugh myself silly tonight. Thanks for the suggestion…

  49. jb says:

    With the loonies, you may want to put a suggestion that Carnival Breeze should be equipped with a padded cell.

  50. Kathy M says:

    Hi John,

    Please reply,

    John, I have been wondering something, do you feel that many of the people who send in negative and rude comments are only doing it to get the bloggers upset. I have heard of people like that, who will write negative and rude comments just to get a group of people going and for some reason they get a kick out of it. I honestly feel that some of your patrons that claim to be Platinum Card Holders are this way, because if they did not like Carnival, then why do they keep booking cruises with them. These are just my thoughts and I wondered if you have ever felt this way to.

    Ron Valquez, Spanish in Miami can never be the official language because the US Government has said that English is our official language. After reading your post, I wondered why you would need an interpreter and why didn’t you interpret for people who could not speak English.

    • MarkinFL says:

      Though I agree that Spanish will certainly never be the “official” language in south Florida, neither is English the official language of the United States. We do not have an official language.

      • Markin,

        English my not be the “official” language but to become a citizen of this United States of America you must “Be able to speak, read and write conversational English”. So that sounds as close to official as you can get.

        BIG Ed

        BIG Ed

    • MarkinFL says:

      Oh yeah, and trolls are very real and it is likely that some, if not many, of the more outrageous posts are from such people.

  51. Jeanette says:

    John, some people deliberately find problems and then want to complain about. These people are attention seekers and just want someone to listen to their venom and in reality it is a waste of your time. They know that in some cases you can’t do anything, so they will do anything they can to get something out of you–free laundry service, free meal at steakhouse, fruitbasket, etc.

    If I encounter a problem on a cruise and it is serious enough I would report it, but to date that has not happened in 11 cruises.

  52. Cheryl K says:

    I think its a certain personality type that has the need to complain about anything and everything. They definitely know they have an audience with Carnival. People that are that miserable need to stay home.

  53. Allie says:

    Great idea on the soups! It’s true! Carnival serves some of the best soups I’ve ever had in my life. I especially remember an amazing pumpkin one and the chilled soups were always good too! Some nights I’d even get two different ones because mire than one soup would sound good. Anyways I think a soup would be a great idea. Well now, I gotta get off to bed!


  54. Kyle says:

    Lenny R,

    Just how stupid are you? First you accuse John of begging, then you tell him he is nothing special, THEN YOU ASK FOR A FAVOR? Really?

    As for calling the readers of this blog and those that want to cruise with John a bunch of zeroes, well I will let the comments already posted speak to that, YOU RUDE, ARROGANT, SELF-SERVING ASS.

    BTW, Why do you think that anyone, male or female, young or old, would want to sit with/near you?

    And for Ron Valquez, if you want a spanish speaking cruise, then I suggest you either book the whole ship or book with a cruise line that caters to the spanish speaking population, much like Aida does for the German speaking population in Europe.

  55. SouthwestFreak says:

    ooooh! a soup bar!! add one!!! : D! with…minestrone soup (sp?)

  56. Mikey Brown says:

    OK John – That video clip was way too funny. Brought back memories of watching Hyancinth on Keeping Up Appearances.

    • Steve S. Chicago says:

      OK, now I’m confused…some people complain the “employees” mingle with passengers getting on and off the ship, some people want to carry on with the “employees” and some need a special greeting from any and all “employees”.
      I would like to be on the Lenny R. cruise with a nice bowl of soup and suddenly lose my footing causing me to accidently spill scalding hot soup on a certain little Lenny R.

  57. john rispoli says:


    Iam cruising July 25th out of Miami on the Destiny. Does this ship have the Steakhouse ?
    I could not find any info online

  58. Teresa Wachs says:

    I look forward to your blogs and this is one of the best! It is amazing to me that with little sleep and short breaks you remain so delightful.I found you blog during the Spendor difficulties and I am so entertained by you, my daughter and I are getting ready to book the bloggers cruise in March- Our first with Carnival.I know you come across many difficult situations, but the way you share them makes me laugh out loud.
    Best wishes.
    ps. Please- in your spare time could you write a REALLY long book!! Blog is like an appitizer

  59. Toland5 says:

    We are going on the ecstasy sept22 and my kids will only go on this boat because of Neil Florentino ..so if there is any way he can be our server it will save my 3 children from starving , because they will mostly likely refuse to eat if their best friend can’t wait on them 🙂

  60. John (Please Reply)
    My husband and I will be going on our 10th!!! cruise on Sept 24,2011. We only discovered cruising in Jan, 2005, So to be making out 10 cruise in 6 years is quite exciting for us, All on Carnival. I discovered your blog and have spent many hours reading and learning all I could. I have never had a bad day on a Carnival cruise ship. Just don;t understand all the complainers!!!
    Just one small favor Would like a table for 2 on our Dream Cruise,Sept 24th,2011 We are in cabin #11260 We have late dining and would relly like to have the alone time for dinner, So please help us out. Thank you.
    Cheryl & Richard Scarbo

  61. Chris (CP) Powell says:

    I would LOVE to have soups available on the Lido deck for a light lunch. I’m watching what I eat, and find soups to be filling for a light lunch before the epic Carnival dinner!

  62. Marilole says:

    Lenny R:
    If ever King Kong loses his testicles a.k.a. BALLS, he can surely borrow yours! You really have a nerve! First by trashing John Heald, then trashing Host Mach and then calling US,his fans, “no life zeros” and last but not least asking him for a table. If I were John, I would put you in a table with a bunch of roudy, unruly kids! OH! an I hope your room has an exhaust connection directly from John Heald’s bathroom. (after eating tandoor chicken, that is). Have a great day, you witch (with a B)

  63. popcorngal says:

    Hi John! All I can suggest is that Mrs. Cobra’s cabin steward put on her underwear and wear them as a party hat! If you’ve got the name, you might as well have the game…

    I love the idea of a soup bar on the Lido. I thoroughly enjoy Carnival’s soups and they would be a welcomed addition for lunch or dinner.

    For Lenny and Ron, your cajones are muy grande! How’s that for multi-lingual??? Get over yourself!

  64. jax says:

    I would be disappointed to be at a table at which the only single man was Mr. Lenny R. lol. He sounds like boat-loads of fun 😉

    Also to Mr. Ron Valquez’s comment, while Spanish is a widely used language in the U.S.A., the primary language of our country is English. With so many different nationalities sailing Carnival, they would have to be doing announcements all day to accomodate all of the different languages spoken on board. This is why all crew members must know English.

  65. kiciaski says:

    Hi John,

    What a bunch of whiners. I hope we never see Lenny because he is a PITA. Why is he Platinum and still sailing Carnival if he doesn’t like anything? No one is begging anyone to go on a Bloggers cruise. People go because they want to and we had a great time on the Glory with you.

    Carnival had a Spanish themed ship with everything in Spanish and that didn’t make it. It was Fiesta something. Carnival is still an American based company that caters to Americans. We shouldn’t have to “press one for English”. It should be implicit.

    We think cruisesi have gotten too inexpensive and are drawing people that should not take cruises.

    Everything here on the Carnival Magic is superb. We really like the ship and the crew is fantastic. Our cabin steward Jose and his helper Jaypee are absolutely great and take very good care of us. We now have 19 towels in our room. I think we need a bigger couch. The dining room with Ken, Alina, our head waiter Desi and her assistant Aloysious is a wonderful experience. We also get to see some crew from previous cruises, Oviedu, Oksana, Wayan Suyasa and there are a lot more fantastic people. Eva from the other (Northern Lights) dining room; Firman makes great omelettes on the Lido. There are too many people to mention because everyone we talk to is just so sweet and nice and would do anything for us. We love talking with them. We hate to leave but we know we have to just keep cruising so we can see everyone again. Captain Cutugno does a fine job keeping us safe and he was a gracious host at dinner. Last, but certainly not least, there is this cruise director who is very funny, puts up with a lot of “garbage” and takes time to fix everyone’s problems. I think his name is John something or other. Thank you John for making this cruise another special one for us. Can’t wait to sail with you again.

    Thanks again – George and Linda
    PS – Spain is still here but France and Italy are still missing.

  66. Marsha Breen says:

    Ron Valquez – this is America buddy – if you don’t like speaking and hearing English then go home! I’m sick and tired of people like you who want Americans to change their ways to accommodate the likes of you.

    Lenny R – the people who go on the Blogger’s Cruises are kind, caring and compassionate people – something you obviously are not. Go ahead and hide behind your keyboard little man and say nasty things. It just shows how much of a jerk you really are.

    Penny McNulty – it’s obvious you would have found any excuse to pull your tips from your cabin steward. You are a cheap ass to do something like that. I’ve never had our cabin stewards not tell us their names. You probably weren’t listening to them because you are one of those people who think people in the service industry are beneath you. Yet, I’m sure that your cabin steward gave you the same great service he gave every other passenger that cruise! People like you make me sick!

    John – I honestly think that if companies like Carnival would stop trying to please these naysayers, they wouldn’t feel so empowered to demand things. To me, it’s like having a toddler who screams because they want something. If we hand them what they want every time they exhibit that behavior, they just learn to continue to scream to get their way. These rude, demanding people need to be told “no” once in a while. You have 100 times more patience than I could ever have!!!

  67. Jes says:

    My family wasn’t from an Eng. speaking country but they moved to the US & adapted. Why is it that ppl feel so entitled in this country, it’s not just w/language, which is so evident by the post we see here on Johns Blog Thingy. I’ve been on 2 other cruise lines, but never on a Carnival, my 1st one’s this fall on the Liberty’s 1st of off dry dock (if the world doesn’t end)& I’m sure there will be a few things that will not be what I like, but since I’m on my honeymoon/vacation I’ll adapt & not go running to guest services to complain or steal the tip from a deserving wait person or cabin steward. The highlight of this cruise for me will be renewing our vows among our family & friends. John you’re invited if you’re not busy. If I was single & at Lenny’s table, I might bother the MDR staff to move me to another table

  68. BarB says:

    For the Granthams:

    My daughter and I cruised on Pride in January. She is also a vegetarian. We also ate in the Steakhouse.

    At the time we made reservation at Davids, we noted that she was a vegetarian. As soon as we boarded, we went right to Davids and met with the head waiter. It took about 5 minutes to confirm…. On the evening we dined there…her dinner was absolutely fantastic…and HUGE..it was the most delicious risotto I have ever tasted redolent with the aroma of parmesan,loaded with an assortment of wild mushrooms and seasoned to perfection with garlic, fresh basil and other delights. She declared it the best she ever had…and she was totallyunable to finish it. The side dishes and little tastes were perfection.

    As for the main dining room…they always offer at least one vegetarian dish and one night made her the most special Indian dinner.

    Don’t worry……your veggie wife will love it.

  69. Terry Alsop says:

    Love the clip at the end – bet you wish you could talk like that to so many of your complainers!!

  70. As for Lenny R. I think he should be put at a table with some of the oldest Red Hat Ladies who love to cruise. There are some real cougars in that group who would put him in his place and flush!!!

  71. kricket says:

    Dont listen to the nasty Cobra lady or the ASS also known as Lenny R. Lenny is just looking for attention and the Cobra was probably expecting “compensation”…. love your blog and hope someday to take a bloggers cruise. It would be a blast!

  72. notsodeepDenise says:

    LOL! Your writing is cracking me up! I’m planning a 50th birthday cruise on Magic next spring and I’ll be linking u on FB for my friends. I want them all to go w/me…..

    FYI – Habitual Complainers are everywhere! I try ha

  73. Sue in Dallas says:

    Thanks for asking for feedback, John, because we know you’re not blowing smoke–you really do want to know what we think!

    LOVE the idea of a soup bar. More and more of us are being intentional about eating healthy even on vacation, and a soup bar would truly help. (Thank you to Carnival for the healthy choices on your menus! They balance out the yummy but not-so-healthy choices available, like for my young friend who literally gained 10 pounds on his first cruise!)

    Also, like so many others, I’m glad you told Lenny what we were thinking: what gigantic cajones it takes to unleash such vitriol and then make ANY sort of request! (Sounded more like a demand, anyway, which is entirely inappropriate regardless of who is asking.)

    Appreciate you, John!

  74. Jane Saunders says:

    I love the idea of a soup bar! With fresh bread and a selection of cheeses, it would be a perfect light lunch.

  75. Brent Grinnell says:

    Soup is good food and totally agree during lunch it would be perfect (especially some Conch Chowder)….
    I see no matter where a ship is in the world you still receive the same badgering and complaints. It is really unfortunate that these people cant sit back and enjoy the ride of a lifetime.
    Although I never have been on a Bloggers Cruise I have done several single cruises with various groups and they are a blast. I can only imagine how much fun it would be to sail with this Krewe.


  76. janet middleton says:

    unfortunately for John, there are obviously too many unmedicated folks cruising these days. the rest are just too self centered.

  77. Merrill Okarma says:

    John I am going on the Liberty on September 17, 2011. I am a Platinum member and I love Carnival. I never been disappointed with any ship. I see by your remarks that the Liberty is going in for some work a week after my cruise. I was wondering everything in the way of the fun things will be in operation. I am sure it is but I look very forward to my cruises and if needed I can change ships. Thanks John Loved seeing you on the Splendor last September. I had fun . It was funny when that gal rode you like a horse. Again John your great Thanks


  78. Kevin Toth says:

    Re: Complainers
    Management should realize that the more time spent on unfounded, unreasonable and un-whatever complaints result in less time taking care of good customers. There is a point when you loose more customers who never complain because they are being neglected than you keep by giving them special treatment because they bitch about every little thing. Some people just need to be told to bugger off. It’s a fine line to be sure but something that should be considered.

  79. Stephanie Kimberly says:

    I would LOVE a soup bar! Can you imagine getting the Strawberry Bisque after a hot day in port?!?!

  80. Elizabeth says:


    I’m so sorry that you have to put up with tools like Lenny. Why does he even bother to go on vacation? Sounds like he’s bound to have a miserable time no matter what he does or where he goes.

    I’m trying to wrap my brain around your comment that complaints have increased quite a bit since you started working in the cruise industry. Why is that? Cruises are becoming more affordable so the customer base has increased? Or are people’s manners just going down the toilet? Either way, if someone at my table were treating a waiter the way those people were, I would definitely say something, even though confrontation is not in my nature. Those people work so hard and deserve a lot of respect.

    I love your blog, John, but the more I read it, the sadder and more angry I become knowing that I am sharing this planet with morons like the ones you write about here and on Facebook.

    All the best,


  81. Irene says:

    Although I think Lenny R is the most disgusting person to be featured on John’s blog, I bet he’s loving the attention he got from everyone. It will be a feather in his cap for getting everyone so wound up.

  82. Carrie Weaver says:

    John, as we always say,”it is the squeaky wheel that gets the grease”. Isn’t that sad. Recently at work one of the most negative nurses that is rude with patients, doctors, and coworkers,and who thinks the F-Bomb is a perfectly normal verb received the “Nursing in Excellence Award”….what???? So sad that these are the people who are controlling our lives! Just my simple observation. Cheers my friend.
    Carrie from ER

  83. C & J says:


    My boss and her husband were on the Legend last week and had a most lovely time. She doesn’t follow your blog, but because of their unusual situation and wonderful trip they had, I felt compelled to write. First, she broke her foot in several places about 2 or 3 weeks prior to the cruise and had to have extensive surgery to repair it. She has had to utilize a “knee scooter” since the surgery. Also, her husband is legally blind. Before they left I continued to encourage her about the cruise (the Legend is one of mine and my husband’s favorite ships). I told her that she would have a great time and would be wonderfully taken care of (I also teased her that the two of them were going to make an interesting couple). She returned to work this past Tuesday and was grinning from ear to ear stating that they could hardly wait to take another cruise (without her foot in a surgical boot and without the “knee scooter”). She said that they had not idea that they would be treated so very well by everyone from their room steward to their dining room staff and so many in between. She said that when they would go up to the Lido for breakfast or lunch that there would be two crew members (apparently the same two almost every day) seemingly waiting to take their trays, lead them to a table and go get their drinks for them. She said that they felt very spoiled and that it could hardly have been better. It makes me a little nervous when I speak so highly of cruising to someone who is about to cruise – I’m a bit afraid that they won’t enjoy it as much as we do – but this was not the case! I wish that I could give you crew member names – but I do hope that you can pass this on to the Legend and the Beards so that they will know what a wonderful group of folks they have on the Legend.

  84. DaveT says:

    The soup bar would be a great addition. Soup and salad or soup and sandwich. French Onion, Potato, Broccoli and Cheese. The possibilities are endless.

  85. steve says:

    dear john,
    tracy and i were on the 10th may cruise with you.the couple who got engaged in dubrovnik.just read this blog and had to tell you not to let the 1% get you down.there not worth it.we had the best cruise ever,and you were a great part of that
    tracy loved the basil video.also said that the stewart could not have been wearing that ladys underwear because only the english do that kind of thing.not sure what she means by that so lets move along.hope your wife and daughter get with you soon sure that will make you feel better take care and thanks again for all the laughs, steve tracy racy..

  86. beeg says:

    I know that Carnival takes care of the crew in the form of “socials/parties”.
    May I suggest the entertainment?
    Pass around the guest comment cards from pax like Mrs. Cobra. I would be LMAO at her paranoia. Too funny!

  87. Maurie Morgan says:

    A bad day on a Carnival Cruise is still better than a good day at work. Stop complaining and start enjoying.

  88. Lee Toleman says:

    Great post John….love John Cleese….

    Sorry you have to deal with so many people that have their heads so far up their arse that they think the world revolves around them……like the guy from Miami who wants Spanish spoken…and that it is going to be the official language of Miami……..that alone annoys me so much……loved your response……how do you keep your composure……we love cruising and feel like royalty…we are waited on hand and foot and while we enjoy it we don’t expect it and really appreciate all that the hard working crew do for us………maybe you should start keeping a tab on these complainers names and black list them onboard for the sake for the crew and fellow passengers….

  89. Bev Curtiss says:

    I will be taking my 18th cruise on Carnival in February aboard the Carnival Magic! I will not cruise anything by Carnival- They are great! Have been on the Dream Twice, and loved it!

  90. bondgirl007 says:

    Hi John,
    I find you amusing and informative. However, you should pick up a copy of Ian Fleming’s Casino Royale. Then watch the movie. I am not saying it is the best Bond movie but it is the most true to the storyline. Gritty and tough. On to cruising, Carnival Spirit did not win me over but Splendor sure has. Give Simon a promotion! I hope to get to cruise again real soon. I feel the service was better on RCI but I have only sailed them once. We went on Spirit in March, service was not very good. We went on Splendor in May and had much better service. The food is better on Carnival. Loved the Chef’s Table. We are having a hard time choosing the next cruise. Any suggestions?
    Thanks Tawnya aka bondgirl007

  91. Michael Davoren says:

    Oh John, you really must come to “Faulty Towers – The Dining Experience” … it would be cathartic!!!

  92. DINKS says:

    “… hotel in the ocean…” is about all you can use.
    how about on the day of embark, hide the crew, and tell the cruiser because of all the suggestions and complaints, it’s going to be a DIY/selfService trial cruise….

  93. Bettie C says:

    I love the idea of a soup bar. Carnival soups are so good, especially the cold soups.

  94. Jim A says:

    Let me get this straight people get mad when they are racially profiled by the police but it is okay for Carnival to profile hispanic guests so they may be accomadated….cant have it both ways people,and as John pointed out you could translate.

    • MarkinFL says:

      While I do agree that Carnival does not need to provide Spanish language translations for Ships that originate in Miami. I really have to disagree with comparing a language accommodation to Police racial profiling. One accommodates someone who does not speak a certain language, the other assumes probable criminal activity based upon a person’s race. I do not see any similarity.

  95. Suzyzee says:

    I think the suggestionsoup idea is brilliant! I often opt for say a grilled cheese and cup of soup for lunch. It matters not if it is warm outside- that actually cools you off so they say. I know my son now 20 has sailed Carnival ten years and loves the strawberry bisque- he’d eat it at lido everyday.
    I could see a hot and cold soup offering each day. Assuming the hot soup is hot and cold soup is cold.Unlike some establishments 🙂

  96. Chris Benson says:

    Do not use any other language than English on your ships. Please go on a MSC cruise where they repeat ALL information in Italian, English, German, French and Spanish. Imagine how irritating that is when 70% of the people are English speaking or who can understand English. The percentages change but the problem remains. With say 700 people together in a cinema or a safety briefing those people who have heard their message in their language rudely then continue to ignore the remainder of the message by talking over the information. Strangely all the movies were in English. The “foreign” movies were atended by 30 to 50 people. I have done three long MSC cruises (over 21 days) enduring these multi-lingual announcements and it is one of the primary reasons we will not go back. The voyages and ships were great however the language announcements drove us crazy.

  97. Ellen Oltman Kellner says:

    Brilliant! I will be reading your blog again – I stumbled upon it today, and laughed my way through. I haven’t sailed on Carnival yet, but your blog might just convince me to give it a try. Thanks!

  98. Debbie Haws says:

    Hi John, My husband and I cruised on the Magic on the May 22nd sailing. My husband’s brother and his wife were along as well and we all had the best time. We loved all of the shows, ( we didn’t notice anyone that wasn’t properly dressed) the wonderful food and service and think you are the BEST cruise director on Carnival or anywhere else.
    You may recall, Dick Little was on our cruise and that was the funniest bit ever – all cruise long!! Thanks for the fun – see you again soon

  99. Scott says:

    Would absolutely love to see a soup bar John. I am a soup fiend! Love all of the variety of soups in the dining room.

Copyright 2017 John Heald. All Rights Reserved