What Would You Do?

July 29, 2011 -

John Heald

The audiences in Europe are rather different than, say, a seven-day Caribbean cruise. One of those differences is that here on Carnival Magic I rarely have to deal with hecklers whereas in the Caribbean they are quite commonplace. However, last night at the show I faced one of the most challenging situations since we brought the ship out and more about this later.

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Off the Ship

July 27, 2011 -

John Heald

I have had a lot of comments on Facebook and here on the blog as well as from my wife that I never ever get off the ship in the ports of call. And you are all right. I don’t. Most of the time it’s because I am too busy answering those same comments on Facebook and the blog and on the phone to Heidi……..oh, plus I have a ship to run, as well. However, last night I did. For some reason I was in the middle of Facebooking about trolls and trying to referee a match between a few Facebookers who just don’t like each other when for some weird reason I stood up……..and without thinking much, I grabbed my ship’s ID, a cigar and some money……walked down to the gangway in Civitavecchia and buggered off. The look on the security team’s face at the gangway was priceless.

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Spam and Small People

July 26, 2011 -

John Heald

Spam! Yep………..Spam. Strange that this simple word has become part of my life in recent times. First of all it is mentioned to me each and every time anyone mentions the Carnival Splendor fire. It’s never “I hear the crew was amazing” or “The guests must have been scared,” it’s always “Hey John, did you have Spam for dinner?”

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Family Business

July 25, 2011 -

John Heald

It’s 6:35am and I can’t be arsed writing a blog today. So if it’s OK with you, I’ll just sit here in my underpants, picking my nose and eating a bag of pistachio nuts for breakfast. And I am not going to brush my teeth today, not even the bent one. Well, it’s not like there is a long line of Latvian strippers in suspenders standing outside my cabin, are they? Why? Because according to my online newspaper this morning, a professor from Oxford University with a beard was talking about how at the age of 45 we become completely invisible to the opposite sex. Yep, that’s me finished then so why carry on? Women disappear like a fart in a hurricane at the first sign of a love handle and oversized non-Calvin Klein underpants. I guess only George Clooney and George Hamilton are the exceptions to the rule. Professor Beard is blaming marriage and that when we get married we both stop making the effort.

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The Island of Cappee

July 22, 2011 -

John Heald

 

Mr________ Ref: 848003163A Cabin: 9*** Changed: 07/20/11 – 07/20/11

C – 9*** – GST FINED IN CAPRI
Mr______ came to the desk and was very upset. He was on the Pompeii and Capri excursion and during the free time part of the tour he needed to use the bathroom. Guest could not find a public toilet and went into some trees. Guest was then later stopped by police and given a ticket and fine of 300 Euros. Guest states that there were no public places and that he has a bladder condition. Guest feels that as he was on a Carnival tour that he should have the fine paid by Carnival.

Wow. That’s one expensive pee. I feel sorry for him in a way but also it is laughable that it’s our fault and that during the two hours of free time of the tour for shopping etc and after the included lunch at a beautiful hotel where there are indeed toilets for guests, that Carnival should pay his fine. (more…)

Carnival Pride Fun Times

July 21, 2011 -

Everett

Hi friends of John! While he’s away from blogging today, I’m here with a batch of Fun Times from the Carnival Pride. John wanted you to have these.

Enjoy!

Carnival Pride Fun Times

Update: Here are the Fun Times PDFs for the Grand Turk/Half Moon Cay Carnival Pride itinerary.

HERE COME THE SMOKING COMMENTS

July 20, 2011 -

John Heald

With everything that has been going on since I have returned from my week at home, I haven’t had time to tell you about the cats. Now for new readers, who may not know what I am talking about, may I suggest you read this to find out more.

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Taking Down The Enemy

July 19, 2011 -

John Heald

Guest—————Ref: 848002951A
Cabin: 6*** Booking #————– Added-Changed: 07/17/11
COMMENT ON GUESTS

Mrs._____ came to the desk to say that there were a group of men wearing inappropriate T-shirts on Lido Deck and it had disturbed her and her children. Guest advised that we would look into the situation and security called to assist.

I was fascinated when I read this report and called the chief security officer to find out what it was all about . It seems we have a group of college graduates from Boston who decided that they would wear T-shirts with colourful slogans on them. Apparently they were standing next to this family wearing T-shirts that read “Remember My Name. You’ll be Screaming it Later” and “Does this shirt make my d ***k look big?”

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FULL ENGLISH/FRENCH BREAKFAST

July 18, 2011 -

John Heald

The readers of my Facebook page will have seen early this morning the Carnival Magic rescued France. OK, maybe not the whole country but certainly two of their citizens who today must be thankful to the Carnival Magic for getting them out of “Merde La Rue “…………. that’s “Sh*t Street” to me and you.

I had just completed the Welcome Aboard show and was sitting at the computer in my underpants updating my Facebook thingy when the captain called me and asked me to come to the bridge and at 12:10am that’s never a good sign and I knew it wasn’t to have a game of naked Twister.

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FROGS HAVING TO GO AND THE HISTORY CHANNEL

July 15, 2011 -

John Heald

I have mentioned before that my only concern since the Carnival Magic started sailing was that the voyages are all port intensive and that the seven- and nine-day cruises only have one sea day. One of the problems this causes is that I only have one travel talk which is held on embarkation day at 3:30pm. I then have 45 minutes to cover Monaco, Rome, Livorno, Naples and Messina. This means that after my welcome, a few audience interviews and the general how and where to get off the ship stuff and other orientation matters have been covered, I have very little time to actually talk about the ports themselves. I think I do an OK job in getting the main points across which is to let everyone know about the top three tours in each port and to help guests not on an excursion discover how to get around. But for some guests I obviously don’t do a good enough job as you will see here.

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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.