Same Cruise — Two Vastly Different Opinions

August 31, 2011 -

John Heald

I have, these past few weeks started a new ritual involving my morning coffee. You see, for the first few months here on the Carnival Magic, my lovely assistant Mel (who I’ll speak more about later) would at 9 am sharp bring my skim milk cappuccino, extra hot with two Splendas to my cabin. I would drink it, go through the mail and the business of the day and then sit down to continue my blog or, if I had been a lazy sod and slept in until 8 am, actually start my blog. (more…)

Desk Job

August 30, 2011 -

John Heald

“So, how is this cruise going?” I hear you cry. It’s going very well and thanks for asking. I won’t say that there aren’t challenges and I will be discussing one or two of those over the next few blogs starting today with an old chestnut. But overall the guests love the ship and her crew. There are 4,400 guests here which means there are going to be as there always is, one or two ummmmm……….interesting stories. (more…)

Today’s blog is a little different and will concentrate mostly on how the storm affected some of the ships. So then, without further ado, let’s crack on with some Q and A. (more…)


August 26, 2011 -

John Heald

Amongst those crew members who have been with Carnival for a good number of years there are a group of guests who make us sweat every time they walk on board the ship. They live to moan and find fault wherever their shark eyes fall. It is their mission to be a pain in the arse and it’s your mission to need an urgent toilet break whenever they come anywhere near you. This is an exclusive group and most guest services managers and hotel directors and some of my fellow cruise directors are aware of them. There is one famous guest we refer to as “Queenie” because she honestly believes she is royalty and she is famous for walking around the ship with a note pad and pen asking other guests if they have any complaints and then taking those comments each and every day of the cruise to the hotel director.


So as you know by now, we have lots of British on board and they have had a jolly time and have been brilliant at the shows and have lent themselves to the atmosphere around the ship and have truly enjoyed the RedFrog Pub. Going down to the pub is as British as it gets along with drinking tea in the morning and having a huge portion of spotted dick for dinner. The other thing that is a British tradition as seen here on the Carnival Magic in abundance this cruise is wearing your favourite football (sacccceer) team’s colors. Yep, whether it’s Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea, Celtic, Newcastle, Glasgow Rangers, Arsenal or Southend United, you will see grown men wearing their team’s shirts, morning, noon and night. Why do they do this? That is the question. It’s obviously not to attract women, because when they pull a garment designed for a super fit 20-something athlete over huge beer bellies they look about as attractive and sexy as a baboon’s bottom.


The Red Light District

August 23, 2011 -

John Heald

Ref: 872294249A Cabin: **** Booking#:******Added-Changed: 08/21/11 – 08/21/1


Guest called the GSD at 6:15am and asked that someone come immediately to their cabin as the red stand by light on the television was stopping them from sleeping. Guest also asked that the stateroom steward remove the Bible from the cabin but he had not done so. Joiner on duty went to cabin and placed a piece of black tape over the red light on the television and the guest handed the Bible to him which was delivered to the GSD.

Added-Changed: 8/22/11 – 8/22/11 – Mrs. _______ removed all gratuities from cabin ______. GSA asked if she would like to discuss why this was done but she refused.

Red lights, Bibles and canceling gratuities. Let’s discuss this and try and work out what’s going on here. Ummmmm……….ummmmmmmmmmmm……..well honestly I haven’t a sodding clue. Do you?



August 22, 2011 -

John Heald

I saw on our esteemed Chairman Micky Arison’s twit thingy that Justin Bieber had encouraged people on his twit to follow Mr. Arison. Now he has millions of young twits who follow him and have posters of him all over their bedroom walls……Justin, I mean not Mr. Arison…I guess it’s only me that has a poster of our chairman on my bedroom wall then? I am sure Mr. Arison will use his twit thingy to encourage the parents of Justin’s fans to take a cruise. Do I see a cruise with Justin Bieber in the future?



August 19, 2011 -

John Heald

My beach ball stomach seems to have attracted a lot of attention these past few months here on the blog and here in my inbox from the beards was another one….well….kind of.

Have a read of this…


Carnival Century

August 17, 2011 -

John Heald

I would like you to see this e mail that I received from Tex, the brilliant CD on the Carnival Triumph. Here it is:


Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 1:05 PM
Subject: Talent Show

Hey Gang-

Tomorrow night, Old Man Wiggle will be celebrating his 100th birthday. He’ll sign up for the Talent Show (he always does) and we need to put him last. When he’s finished with the act we’re going to sing Happy Birthday and present him with a cake. I would like to fire the green, gold and purple confetti when we finish the song. Same as we do for Big Easy.  If anyone has any questions, let me know.

Cruise Director, Carnival Triumph


The first 15 minutes of my Welcome Aboard show were spent battling two things. First, considering we have so many international guests on this cruise, possibly half the audience did not understand what I was saying and were puzzled why there was a fat bloke on stage rather than dancing girls in heels and feathers. And then there was the baby in the second row who cried and screamed all the way through my poor attempt at humour. So half the audience didn’t understand a sodding word I was saying and the half who did speak English couldn’t hear because of the crying baby.


Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.