Yesterday on departure from Naples found me on the bridge escorting a family of eight people who the captain had invited to join him. The family consisted of mum, dad, grandparents and three children, two of whom were about to enter United States Coast Guard training like their father who was a high-ranking USCG officer. Anyway, I went to meet them and on the bridge I listened to the radio chat on the VHF between the captain and the port authority, which interestingly, like all bridge commands on Carnival ships, must be carried out in English, not Italian.

“This is Carnival Magic Whisky Tango Alpha 3 8, lines are up and clear and Carnival Magic is clearing pier 2. Heading is 110 degrees on a vector of south/south east using aft thrusters at 40 percent power.”

I am sure that to the outsider this must seem mighty impressive but really does the captain need to say all those things or could he not just say, “Hello, we are going now, see you next week.”

I know I ramble here on the blog and probably do on stage sometimes but in real life when I am just…..well me……the fat pot of lard ……..I like to say exactly what I mean to say…… unlike some of the beards in the office who take so long to say simple things and use words that are pointless.

On a conference call the other day I had a beard talking to all the cruise directors about on board revenue but he didn’t call it on board revenue or money he referred to it as “quantum revenue” not once but a dozen or so times. All the CD’s were on the call and not one said anything even though I knew that Wee Tex, Todd the Goose, Jen the Butch had bugger all idea what the heck he was talking about. And so I said, “Sorry to interrupt you but what the heck is quantum revenue?” He replied, “Ummmmmm……revenue, money.”

So why couldn’t he have said this? I will tell you why — because young executives with marketing and business degrees from Harvduke and Yalebridge have to talk in a language that only others who went to a posh boarding school and Ivy Thingy University will understand. Yep, people like me who went to Shoeburyness Comprehensive where Shane Ibrahim spray painted a giant gentlemen’s sausage on the side of the gym wall, have bugger all understanding of what they are talking about.

Why use another word for money? Why? Thank goodness cruise directors don’t talk like this when they really need to get people’s attention. “Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your administrator of activities (cruise director) designed to bring out the spirited person within you speaking to you from the navigational command structure (bridge.) I apologise that I have woken you from your rest period designed to allow your body to relax and dream of the blue sky day ahead (sleep) but we ask that some of the people who have given us their quantum revenue (passengers) to rouse themselves from their rest period (wake the $%^@# up), gather up their personal belongings and proceed to the cantilevered egress access device (gangway).”

Yep, our young marketing and revenue enhancing beards never use one word when four million words will do. Lawyers are also like this. I saw a letter from a lawyer the other day who was suggesting something that…..well I guess I had better not say, but it was copied to me because I was involved a bit. Anyway, it could have just said, “My client is pissed at you and you had better say sorry you bastard or we will sue you.” But it didn’t. It spouted off word after word and I tried to read it but I completely lost the point and quite honestly…….the will to live.

Over the past few weeks I have been collecting the annoying expressions which the beards use. Now don’t get me wrong, these are the same brilliant beards who have given us the RedFrog Pub, SkyCourse, Cucina de Capitano and are the brains behind getting an extraordinary one million fans on Facebook and who allow me to write this blog so freely. But……..I just wish I could get them to speak English.

To prove my point let me paste here part of an email I got from a vice president at Carnival whose name is ……..well, I had better not say, but this is, I promise a true copy and paste from his/her email.

From: ———–
Sent: Friday, August 05, 2011 04:14 PM
To: Heald, John (CCL)
Cc: ———
Subject: ————

John, glad to see the project is going well. I have been trying to reach out to you but you have been hiding in the long grass and that I am a little concerned about your understanding of our core thinking. Please role up your sleeves and step up to the plate as best as your time allows and if you have concerns, raise the flag up the pole and I will be here to offer my immediate assistance. I just want to make sure that we’re singing from the same hymn sheet.

Yep, that is a true extract from an email sent to me by a Miami beard. Here is my reply:

From: Heald, John (CCL)
Sent: Monday, August 08, 2011 7:42 PM
To: ——–
CC:
Subject: Re:………..

Hello______

Thank you for your email and I am so sorry I have been hiding in the long grass but I am out now. I am glad that you reached out to me as it gives me a chance to say that I have given myself some chance of some blue sky thinking and have therefore hit the ground running and the result is that I haven’t got a sodding clue what you’re talking about. I could sing from the same hymn sheet if I knew what language you were singing in.

Cheers,

John

He/she hasn’t written back since I sent the email probably because he/she is coming up with the correct executive speak for “You’re fired, you fat bastard.”

Time for some Q and A……………ladder up everyone

John Abrol asked:
John,

Let me start by saying that I really love the Carnival brand. But I also must tell you that as a Carnival fan and with seven cruises with you in five years I was very unhappy with my Carnival Ecstasy cruise which myself and my wife and 17-year-old daughter have just returned from. It is not the crew or the service that I had a problem with but with the standards set by the Texan passengers and their rude arrogant attitude. We sat with four Texans at dinner. We are from California and when they found this out they treated us with distain and contempt and did not talk to my wife and daughter and me at all. They ate with their mouths wide open and drank beer from the bottle at DINNER! I think then that I won’t ever cruise on a ship from Texas again which means I won’t get to see the Carnival Magic.

John says:
Hello John Abrol,

I am very sorry to read that your experience on the Carnival Ecstasy was not what you had hoped. I say this but at the same time I am hoping that although you concentrated on the people you ate with at dinner that despite you not getting along with them that you had fun elsewhere on the ship. I have read comments similar to this on the blog about some people’s perception of guests on the ships that sail from Texas and again I must respectfully state that like you there were many guests on board who were not from there. However, Texan or not, if the people you shared a dinner table with treated you rudely then regardless of where they were from it is plain rude to be that way and I am sorry that they were. Please do not let a few other gusts stop you from seeing this amazing ship the Carnival Magic. And may I also mention that if at any time you are unhappy with your table please do speak to the maitre d who will do his best to help you. I hope we see you here soon. Best wishes to all.

John

Pat Bearden asked:
John,

Our second cruise was on the Carnival Inspiration out of Tampa in Oct. 2003. Is there any way I can find out who our CD was? It has been 8 years and I just remember he was wonderful ……..would love to sail with him as our CD again… By the way, since then I have been on 15 cruises and all with Carnival…looking forward to having 25 cruises…LOVE CARNIVAL!!!!

John says:
Hello Pat Bearden (do you have a beard, Pat?)

Thanks so much for saying how much you love Carnival and I hope that continues for some time to come. The CD on your cruise was a chap called Larry Garlutzo who was such a brilliant CD and has now retired and moved to Las Vegas where he lives now. I hope we get to sail together soon and thanks again for your loyalty.

Best wishes.

John

Kevin asked:
Hi John,

I was wondering if you could please update the Fun Times for the Carnival Dream, the one you have is from March and we are going on the Aug 6 sailing and would love an updated Fun Times, that’s assuming things have changed.

Thank you very much.

John says:
Hello Kevin,

I will ask Butch to send me them and they will be posted in the next couple of days here on the blog thingy. Please check back with the blog later this week and you will find the Fun Times there.

Best wishes.

John

Bearded Note: You can now find the Carnival Dream Fun Times here. – Eric the Beard)

Jennifer asked:
Hi John,

First of I just want to tell you that you are doing a wonderful job with your blog and I read it daily. My husband and I went on our first cruise October 2009 for our honeymoon and had a blast. We were on the Carnival Pride with Kirk as our cruise director and Jaime as his assistant. I just want to commend them for the wonderful job they did, they are fantabulous! We are booking our next cruise on the Pride for June 2012 and were wondering if they will be there once again? If not, what has become of them? And most importantly are they still together? LOL. They truly made our cruise the best.

Well wishes to you.

John says:
Hello Jennifer,

Unfortunately I have bad news and that is Kirk and Jaime are no longer together. Kirk decided that there was someone else he would rather be with and that the true love he felt in his heart was in fact for Calvyn. They are now together and have just bought a little cottage in the wilds of Canada. Kirk has become a lumberjack and returns home each night after cutting down trees to find Calvyn waiting for him by the door wearing fluffy pink slippers………nothing else…….just fluffy pink slippers. They have a dog called Cher and spend their nights sitting by the fire pressing wild flowers. Jaime of course is heartbroken and has become a nun. She became a nun because she said the last few years Kirk has been giving her none……..so she might as well be one.

Best wishes.

John

PS – I am kidding, of course. Kirk and Jaime are together and very much in love and continue to be a brilliant asset to each other and to Carnival and are working on the Carnival Liberty. They will be thrilled when they see this. Thanks for taking the time to write and I hope we see you both on another cruise very soon.
Sammi asked:
John,

Our fantasy cruise was ruined as we had to stop at the port near Orlando to get a sick crew person of the ship and we then did not get to go to Nassau and were at sea again. My parents complained but got no money back and have written letters to carnival but still are not getting money returned to them. We were in cabin U107. We should get money back as we missed Nassau and had nothing to do all day. I am 18 and was bored!!!! Why doesn’t Carnival help us as we had our cruise changed because of this? My parents say that they will not cruise again with you guys.

John says:
Hello Sammi,

I am so sorry that your cruise was changed and that Nassau was canceled. This was because a crew member was taken very seriously ill and had to be rushed to the hospital. Sometimes we do this through the help of United States Coast Guard which sends a helicopter but in this case the doctors thought that he was too sick to fly and so the ship had to change course and go to Port Canaveral. This meant two things. 1) The port of Nassau was too far away and 2) stopping at Port Canaveral saved this man’s life…….it really did exactly that….it saved his life. He was in ICU for a long time and only now is he able to return to work and is very thankful to you and all the guests. Now I could go on about the fact that we can and do change ports from time to time, etc. etc., however, I think the most important fact is that while your parents may be upset about missing a port, cancelling Nassau was a small price to pay to save a man’s life. I am sorry you were bored, Sammi, and I will let the cruise director know that you would like to see more activities during situations like this. I do hope we see you all again soon.

Best wishes to all.

John

Paul asked:
John,

Have been cruising with Carnival on and off for 10 years now and have noticed so many cutbacks to the product and now I hear the jungle drums on Cruise Critic sounding that the evening cabin service is stopping so they can use the staff elsewhere in the ship and they were going to charge if your bags was over 50 pounds like the airlines do! If this is true goodbye CCL!

John says:
Hello Paul,

I think there must be a few people who sit in an attic, naked, eating a huge party bucket of KFC, thinking of what they can write next that will cause us grief. I am sure they are not just doing this to Carnival but to other companies, as well, and not just those in the cruise business. I know the good people on Cruise Critic call these people “trolls” while I like to refer to them simply as “lonely people who have the social life of the lesser spotted dung beetle.”

Best wishes.

John

PS – bugger – I forget to say none of what you have read is true.

Brett J asked:
John,

We will be sailing on the Carnival Sensation in October. When I say we I mean myself and 45 other Harley fans. We want to know if there are any problems with us wearing our leathers to dinner one night as we want to take a group shot before dinner. We are all responsible people and understand the dress codes and it will not be on the formal evening. Thanks so much John, love the blog by the way. I am a pilot for Delta and can understand some of what you go through.

John says:
Hello Brett J,

Thanks for taking the time to write and I am sure you are all excited about your cruise on the Carnival Sensation. I hope that I haven’t missed your sailing date as I see you didn’t post that but hopefully I have answered this in time. I checked with some people because I wasn’t sure but as long as you are not doing this on elegant night then of course you may proudly wear your “leathers.” I hope you all have a brilliant time and thanks also for the kind words. Fly safe and have a great cruise.

Best wishes.

John


Tammy H asked:

Hi John,

I enjoy your blog and posts very much. I think you are hilarious! My question is this: I saw on a post where you may be able to tell us how big a group the Club O2 will be on our sailing (Aug 15, 2011 for Carnival Triumph out of New Orleans). My son is 15, I just thought since we are going at the end of summer vacation some schools may have already started so I wasn’t sure if there would be a lot of teens his age. No problem if you can’t get back to me.

John says:

Hello Tammy H,

I see I have managed to get this answered a few days before your cruise and I am glad I did. There will be 188 guests in the Club O2 age bracket and so I am sure your son is going to have the best of times making new friends and enjoying the fun. Looks like school is still out for many. Have a brilliant time.

Best wishes.

John

Nick Brooke asked:
Dear Mr. Heald:

My wife and I just returned home from our second Carnival Cruise. We departed on 26 June aboard the Carnival Conquest for a seven-day Western Caribbean cruise. We had a fantastic time aboard celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary. Our Team Head Waitress Bernadette was gracious and charming (and French).
We were beyond thrilled by our dinner at Biju Jacob’s Chef’s Table, which honestly would have been a bargain at twice the price. Paul Stantley did a great job as cruise director as well, along with the rest of his entertainment staff.

All of this is very nice, but what I was expecting from Carnival anyway after the great time we had on our first cruise on the Carnival Ecstasy. The reason for this letter is the absolutely above-and-beyond service provided by Sandra McIllwain, our Carnival vacation planner. See, our cruise was almost the cruise that never was. We were trying to make up our minds, and Sandra called us with a quote on a nice interior room with a king bed. She spoke to my wife briefly, and we liked the price, but were in the middle of a shakedown at a local car dealership at the time, so my wife told her that we would call her back. She did, a few hours later, credit card in hand, but our room had been sold. In fact, all the interior rooms had been sold out. The next room available was in the ocean view class, and was many hundreds of dollars out of our budget. My wife was crestfallen.

So I put on game face and picked up the phone myself. I spoke to Sandy, told her how crazy it was that they had sold that room out from under us (of course it wasn’t really crazy), how could they ask so much more for a slightly different room, that it’s our anniversary cruise (like the other guests aren’t celebrating, as well) and just generally acted like a real jerk. Sandy, somehow, for some reason, managed to knock some heads together at her office and sell us an exterior room for the price that she had quoted before on the interior one! So I sealed the deal and got to be the hero for my wife, having finagled my way into cabin 1208 at the 1258 price. Cabin 1208 on the Conquest is an odd one, though. It’s sort of cut off on the end, and only holds a twin bed and a sofa, no king bed.

Looking at the deck plan, it sort of looks like the room may have a pole in the middle, who knows? Now I’m a creative guy, but this being our anniversary cruise after all, the twin bed/sleeper sofa thing wasn’t working out, and I could tell that my wife was disappointed about the room. So I gave Sandy a call and asked her to be on the lookout for an upgrade, and told her that any changes were to be kept quiet from my wife. Sandy said she would try, and not to get my hopes up, and that she would keep my wife in the dark either way. I just kept assuring my wife that we would have a great cruise even if they stored us below deck.

Two days before our sailing, I got a call from James Black, a stateroom specialist in Sandy’s office. He got us into a cancellation room upgrade at an unreasonably low price. He also was a great help in keeping the changes secret from my wife — changing the email address on the booking, charging to a different card, and helping me print some fake luggage tags and the like. My wife even called Sandy later that day to check one last time for a room upgrade, and Sandy lied like a pro. My wife didn’t find out until our Sail & Sign card failed to open 1208, and I took her a roundabout way to find the purser to complain.

You’d better believe that I was crowned Husband of the Year for managing to get us moved into a room with a king bed AND A FLIPPIN’ BALCONY. But it was Sandy’s diligence that made this trip so special for my wife and me. But wait, that’s not all: Sandy also let slip to the maître d’ that we would be celebrating our anniversary, so our servers sang to us on our penultimate night; you’d better believe that I took the credit for arranging that, as well.

So Sandy, for making me look like a badass in front of my wife, not once, not twice, but three times, I salute you for a job very well done. I look forward to doing business together in the future. John, would you kindly see that Sandy’s superiors hear of her most excellent service?

Cheers.

John says:

Hello Nick Brooke,

I think I mentioned a few days ago that it is rare that the people shoreside who do so much to get the cruise ready for so many people never ever get to be in the spotlight. Until now of course and that’s why I was thrilled to read about Sandy. I will be honoured to pass this on to her and copy her managers as well who I am sure will be thrilled as well. Thanks so very much for taking the time to write that review and I hope that because of the great people Carnival has on both land and at sea that we will see you again very soon.

Best wishes to you both.

John

And that’s all for today BUT NOW I HAVE TO SPEAK MY MIND.

I have to comment on what’s going on in my home country and every now and then I get to use my blog to voice my own opinion…….it may not be everyone’s opinion and that’s fine but if people get to call me what they want here then at least once or twice I can say what I feel, even though it has bugger all to do with cruising.

I have been watching Sky and BBC news here on the Carnival Magic TV and both stations have had people on, with beards, who have spoken absolute bollocks. Honestly if I have to listen to one more see one more “expert” on TV, I may throw the thing overboard……. just kidding environmental officer!

But they do drive me totally bonkers. These are the very people who in their sandals and between tofu lunches over the last decade or more have removed the right to expect kids to learn respect, self respect, discipline and responsibility. We now have a whole bunch of kids who don’t understand simple core values.

Parents who discipline their children are threatened with legal action and discipline in schools is over because the teachers are too scared to lose their jobs and be sued by the parents. People who issued warnings that this was the wrong way to go were accused of “Victorian values” or were screamed at as potential “child abusers.” Children growing up need guidance and respect for their parents. And no bloody “do gooder” is going to tell me otherwise.

Even the police have to be careful in case they go too far and actually touch a looter. This is the nanny state my beautiful country has become. We need to have a police FORCE …..not a social interaction service. The looters should be thrown to the ground, handcuffed, kicked in the bollocks a few times and sent straight to prison. The end.

Sorry for the rant. I need to calm down and so let’s use Mr. Radu and his incredible camera for that shall we? You know, it’s amazing how tall the Carnival Magic is as you will see now as all these photos were taken from the very top deck of this ship. Have a look.

Yesterday on Facebook I was asked for a recipe of something called Cappuccino Shot which we serve on Lido Deck at lunch times across the fleet and as requested, here it is.

Well I have to say this is probably the most difficult cruise I have experienced so far here on the Carnival Magic. I don’t know if it’s the large international count or just that we have more vocal people on board or if we really do need to look at what we are doing here and improve. I have had comments about the youth program, food service, our use of ethnic music in the show which was described as “racist” and disrespectful to African Americans, which it absolutely is not. I had a difficult time with some guests from Israel and Russia who are upset that we don’t have shows in Hebrew and Russian and yet travelers from other countries all over the world have not said this. This isn’t meant to mean anything, it’s just a fact. And last night the British guests complained that the food is too American. Then I have guests complaining that there is not enough time in the ports even though they booked the cruise knowing the itinerary.

Don’t get me wrong, 99 percent of the guests have had a brilliant time but there are definitely more complaints than before. It’s the same product, the same crew, the same crew providing the brilliant service that has kept the Carnival Magic at number one in the fleet according to the review cards some of the guests get to complete. On the last 12-day cruise our incident report was 89 pages long. This week – six days into our nine-day cruise — and it’s 147 pages (and counting).

As I said, sometimes you get a cruise like this and you just do your best to continue and keep up the best levels of service. You know it may be wrong of me to say this but you know, guests are quick to tell us when a crew member is rude or does not give the service they expect and demand. If they do we are quick to act but it never really works the other way round and of course it can’t. They are the paying customer. The end. But I have to say that when I talk to Ken the maitre d and Justine the gift shop manager both who have a really good handle on how the cruise is going and both say, “Many of the guests are really rude and complaining about the strangest things” …….well then you know all is not as it usually is. Maybe things will settle down as the cruise continues but with comments like this………….I doubt it.

From: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Tuesday, August 09, 2011 11:33 PM
To: MAGIC CRUISE DIRECTOR; MAGIC ASSISTANT CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc: MAGIC GUEST SERVICES; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR; MAGIC GUEST SERVICES MANAGER
Subject: ——— UNHAPPY WITH THE CARNIVAL LEGENDS

Mr_____ stated that had been taking part in Karaoke Legends on Lido deck and had tried to get the part of Bruce Springsteen which had been given to the worst singer who was not American and should not be allowed to sing the song as he was from India. Guest was shouting and using bad language. Guest called CD who was at the show and guest will meet with CD.

I actually wrote about this briefly on Facebook two days ago. I was on Lido and heard this man sing and indeed he was ummm…….interesting. But his passion, his dedication and his determination won him the spot…….he became an instant hero and the crowds chose him without question. He is from the USA (he may not have been born in the USA but he is a citizen now) he had a great time, he had fun and he got the part. I will meet the upset Bruce later today. Oh joy.

But as I said, it’s a small minority that have some of us feeling like we can do no right this cruise but we will win them round, I am confident about that. But yesterday afternoon things took a turn for the worse for me personally. I went to the RedFrog Pub with Heidi and Kye to sit outside and have lunch in the sun and there sitting on the tables was a new addition to the menu and something that made me step back in horror. We now offer a selection of Caribbean hot sauces and amongst them was the red bottle bearing the name that my arse puckers up like I had just landed in France. If you don’t know what I am talking about we have to go back to when I joined the Carnival Dream in Bermuda toward the end of her transatlantic crossing. I was on my own, eating in a hotel and the food was quite honestly bloody awful.

I was waiting for the ship to arrive the next day and had ordered Caribbean spring rolls which had about much spring in them as a dead hamster. Now, I like Tabasco and jerk sauce and so I thought a little spice might cheer my sad meal up. One of the bottles caught my eye. It was called “357 MAD DOG” hot sauce. And so I poured a little 357, I asked the spring rolls “Do you feel lucky?” in my best Clint Eastwood impression. Eating alone does things to you like this. Now had this been an American product it would have been a bottle filled with warnings. “Use this product one drop at a time,” “Keep away from eyes, hamsters and children,” “Not for people with heart or respiratory problems,” “Use extreme caution.” But this was Bermuda ….. there was no warning.

Now as I said I like a hot sauce at my favourite Indian restaurant at home in Essex which is called “The Burning Passage.” I will often order a vindaloo, even though I know me and my bottom will regret it later but I can handle the spice. So I didn’t expect anything too different here and took a bite of my spring roll and 357 Mad Dog hot sauce and that’s when the trouble began.

The pain started out mildly, but having eaten spicy sauces before I also knew that this would build to a delightfully fiery sensation. I was even looking forward to it. But the moment soon passed. In a matter of seconds I was in agony. After maybe a minute I was frightened that I might die…..…after five seconds I wanted to die. The searing fire had surged throughout my head. My eyes were streaming. Molten lava was flooding out of my nose and if I could have moved my head I am sure the lava would have been flowing out of my ears and my arse. My mouth felt like someone was welding in it. Even my hair hurt.

And all the time, I was thinking: “If it’s doing this to my head, what bloody hell is it doing to my insides?” I felt certain that at any moment my stomach would open and everything, my intestines, my liver, my heart would simply splash onto the floor. This is not an exaggeration. I really did think I was dissolving from the inside out.

Trying to keep calm, I drank my entire glass of Diet Coke and then shoveled in the crushed ice that lay at the bottom of the glass. This made everything worse. So, dimly remembering that Mr. Guna, my Indian hotel director friend, told me that he uses bread when they eat spicy food, I grabbed a bread roll and ate it like a rabid dog. The table next to me started to stare and honestly I didn’t care because I was exploding from the inside. My skin was pouring sweat as my body tried to eject the poison quicker than Dwyane Wade would be if he had twisted the referee’s nipple for not calling a foul.

Nothing was working. And such was my desperation I waved the waiter over and managed to say …….”help”……while pointing to the bastard hot sauce. Now, this is Bermuda, which like Jamaica and other Caribbean islands, service can be as slow as a hamster wearing concrete Reeboks. He smiled turned and went behind the bar stopping along the way to see if another table needed some more French Fries. He returned three months later with a big glass of milk. I drank it as quickly as I could. I felt sick but didn’t dare regurgitate the poison for fear of the damage it would cause on the way out. If I vomited this stuff over other hotel guests I would have taken their skin off, much like a spitting cobra. Well, I didn’t vomit and I didn’t die but the next morning, I felt like death warmed up a bit and I cannot explain how sore my bottom was the next day. All I’d eaten was a sprinkle of the damn stuff.

I asked Mr. Google and this is what I discovered about 357 Mad Dog: “This killer sauce is packing 357,000 scoville units of heat. One hit will blow you away! We blend chili extract, fresh habanero peppers, 160,000 scoville super cayenne peppers, garlic and onion to make a sauce that can truly take your breath away. Mad Dog 357 is one the hottest hot sauce ever made. Use with extreme caution.”

Bollocks it’s made from peppers. I think it’s made from uranium, plutonium, liquid kryptonite, sulfuric acid, mace or a pair of my old underpants. I do not believe it’s a hot sauce. It’s a weapon of mass destruction.

And so the bottle of one of the world’s hottest sauces is now sitting amongst the others on the tables of the RedFrog Pub and I think we should warn our guests. If you are on the Carnival Magic and eat at the RedFrog Pub, please watch out for this hot sauce. Granted there are folks who really enjoy these sorts of spicy eating experiences but just want to forewarn you that this is hot sauce taken to another level.

Maybe I should give a few bottles to the British Police to let them use instead of pepper spray. Squirt some 357 Mad Dog in the rioters’ faces and the feral bastards will surrender in seconds.

Goodnight

Your friend,

John

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

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